Disclaimer: I don't own Miraculous Ladybug.

I don't even own most of the dialogue or plot in this chapter because this takes place in the episode Glaciator. There are some spoilers, but as this diverges from cannon quite early on in the episode, the spoilers are only mild.

"I am sick and tired of hearing you complaining when you won't do anything to help yourself!"

"Alyaa, I just can't help it. You know getting tongue tied around him isn't something I can control!"

"But he totally bailed on the sweetheart ice-cream and you didn't even chase him about it or ask why he couldn't come. Actions speak louder than words Mari and you don't seem to be using much of either."

"I keep trying. I've tried to ask him out multiple times!"

"Those convoluted plans never work and you know it."

"You help me come up with them," whined Marinette, "Well what do you think I should do to get his attention then?"

"Actually talk to him?"

"You're right. I can't talk to him. He'd never have wanted to share Andre's sweetheart ice-cream with me anyway. He'd have realised I had a crush on him and called me out in front of the entire class and then moved schools so he didn't have to deal with me and then he'd go out with Chloe because they'd both hate me and I'd never talk to him again!"

"That's a bit of an overreaction. If you're so sure he's not interested then try making him jealous. That's one way to get his attention. And I'm pretty sure Nathaniel's still interested in you, if you want to give it a go."

"That's a terrible idea!" Marinette spluttered.

"That's what you think. When you're ready to actually pursue Adrien let me know."

With that, Alya hung up. Marinette sighed and flopped onto her bed to stare at the ceiling. She didn't know what Alya was thinking. If Marinette couldn't say more than three words in a row to her crush, how was she meant to conduct an actual relationship with someone – let alone parade it in front of them! Not to mention that it was mean to lead someone else on when her heart belonged to Adrien alone. Marinette heaved another dramatic sigh. It was hopeless. She inched her way off the bed and clambered out onto the roof, barely avoiding hitting herself in the head with the trap door as she did so. As she stared out into the flickering, twinkling lights of Paris, she could only wish that Adrien would eventually return her feelings.

Chat Noir walked along the romantic candle-lit rooftop, blowing out each candle he came across.

"She loves me." A bright light winked out.

"She loves me not." As did the next.

"She loves me." Yet another.

Chat stared at the last candle, but could not bring himself to blow it out, choosing to cradle it instead. His lady was not coming; all his effort was wasted, but he would still not admit that she didn't love him. He told himself that it was only a childish superstition anyway, but that last glimmer of his defiance – his hope - stayed nested in the palms of his hands. He leant against the railing. As he stared out into the peace and quiet of the sleeping city, he could only wish that one day his bugaboo would see that his love was true.

"Hello." came a melancholy voice from behind Marinette.

"Chat Noir, what are you doing here? Don't you have superhero-y things to be doing?" replied Marinette, startled.

"No. Not tonight." His expression was so disheartened that Marinette wanted to reach out and hug him.

"I don't feel like being a superhero tonight. And I also don't feel like being alone tonight. Do you mind if I hung out here for a little while?" Marinette nodded, a blush working its way onto her cheeks despite herself.

"We've met before, haven't we?"

"Yeah, a bunch of times – I mean yes we have! One time a supervillain fell in love with me! Talk about bad luck." Marinette fumbled and stuttered over her words. Trust her to nearly reveal herself to Chat Noir in the first proper conversation she had with him as a civilian.

"Seriously, I seem to have been having some bad luck in the love department lately myself."

"What kind?"

"I had a special surprise all planned out for Ladybug, but she never showed."

Marinette winced.

"Sounds like you and I both need a bit of cheering up tonight."

"You? You've gotten your heart broken too?"

"Yep," sighed Marinette. She felt like that was why pain kept shooting through her chest when she thought about eating sweetheart's ice cream with Adrien. Was this what a broken heart felt like? Was this how she had made Chat feel?

"Sometimes I wonder if Ladybug even values me at all." Marinette gaped.

"Of course she does Chat! You're her partner! She couldn't save Paris without your help!"

"Do you ever feel like the person you love doesn't need you?" Only too often, Marinette thought, Adrien was so amazing and she would never be able to help him – he was too far out of her league.

"That… That's different. You're Ladybug and Chat Noir the crime fighting duo. It isn't a duo if you're not part of it."

"I guess." Chat heaved a sigh.

"Look, you're doing better than me at least. I can't even talk to the guy I like without tripping over or messing up all my words and sounding like an idiot and he's out of my league. Like way out."

"I guess," Chat repeated. He struggled to imagine anyone that would be out of Marinette's league – she was cute and smart and had amazing artistic talent – this guy must be something special.

"At least you don't have to get awful dating advice from your friends, because your love for Ladybug is a secret." Marinette rolled her eyes in an attempt to lighten the mood. It failed spectacularly.

"As you said, my friends can't give me any love advice. Share yours with me!"

"I don't think that's a good idea, Chat." Marinette felt she'd just made the understatement of the year.

"C'mon."

"My best friend, Alya, comes up with the most ridiculous suggestions. She gets them all from the trashy magazines she reads 'to sample different types of journalism'. That's my best source of love advice." Marinette was highly sceptical of anything that came from those magazines.

"But…Princess…I don't have any advice to follow at all! Surely, you can share her wisdom with me."

"Wisdom?" Marinette was incredulous," You can't call her advice that. I'm telling you, no advice is better advice than 'to just forget about them and start a different relationship'. Well, that's not quite what Alya said. She said to make them jealous, but it pretty much equates to the same thing."

Chat's face lit up.

"No! That's not the same thing at all! In fact, it's the purrfect idea!"

"Puns? Really? I think I preferred you when you were feeling blue."

"But how could I be miserable when my purrincess just gave me the best idea in the world! Fake-dating to make someone jealous is the oldest trick in the book. Fur instance," Chat began to grin syly, "you and I would make a furmidable fake couple."

"No, no ,no, no, no. I am not fake-dating anyone. Absolutely not. I don't even know how to fake date. Not happening. Nope. I am definitely not fake-dating you."

Chat pouted. Marinette could see the hurt welling up in his eyes.

"No. I didn't mean it like that, Chat, it's just, it's lying! For your own gain."

"I don't like your cattitude, princess. I think it would work purrfectly."

"Re-using puns, Chat Noir? Are you fur real?"

Chat could have powered the entire city of Paris with that smile. Marinette wondered why she barely ever saw it as Ladybug.

"Who knew you had a soft spot for my hissterical puns?"

"I just thought I'd point out how they should be done. With flair. And sparingly."

"Awwww, you know you love my cat-tastic puns, but where were we? Ah yes, you were telling me how you couldn't possibly fake-date me, because you'd end up falling for my incredible charm."

Marinette felt Chat looked far too smug for someone that had been so miserable only minutes before-hand.

"I think you'll find you're mistaken!" she spluttered.

Chat winked, "Am I?"

Marinette couldn't help but roll her eyes. All this flirting and he wondered why Ladybug kept rejecting him? Silly kitten.

"However," Chat interjected, before she could huff dramatically, "regardless of your obvious attraction to my clawsome self, I think we should fake date." He became more serious, "You have your boy, who you want to notice you, and I want to woo Ladybug…It's a mutually beneficial arrangement."

"Oh Chat, I don't think this is a good idea."

Chat gave Marinette the kitten eyes, "Unless you don't want to of course…"

Marinette knew she was making a catastrophic mistake, but she couldn't stand seeing her partner so upset and distraught because of her. And…he wouldn't be able to flirt with Ladybug if they were in a fake relationship! She might get some peace and quiet for once! Mind firmly made up (and it had nothing to do with the fact that she couldn't resist Chat's kitten eyes thank you very much), she spoke:

"I don't think you could even make it work. After all, you're always so flirtatious with Ladybug and you're going to need to appear to be a faithful boyfriend."

"I can manage."

"Suure."

"I will have you know that M'Lady will be begging me to furlirt with her by the time we're done."

"Uhuh."

"Wait and see. Watch a master at work. I can even give you dating advice."

"I get enough 'helpful' dating advice from my other friends."

"You consider me a friend?" Chat looked at her in surprise.

"Umm, sure. I mean I don't normally discuss fake-dating with people who aren't my friends."

"I'll be back tomorrow to discuss this. I have a slot between 4 and 5pm. After that I have an appointment I have to go to."

"I'll make extra macarons."

"We will be the purrettiest couple ever seen. Apart from me and M'Lady of course."

"Only so long as you stop it with the clawful puns."

Chat's gleeful laughter as he took off into the night assured her that he knew she hadn't meant it. She would never admit it, but she actually enjoyed some of her chaton's better puns – if she was in a good mood. Marinette fell down the trapdoor onto her bed. Tikki buzzed up to meet her, with a disapproving look that left Marinette with absolutely no doubt as to how much she had heard. Tikki stared at her judgementally and then sighed as dramatically as Marinette often did (maybe it was a Ladybug thing) and drifted off. As if she couldn't help herself, she turned back to look at Marinette.

"This is unfair. How did Chat Noir describe it? A mutually beneficial arrangement? Well it won't be and that's unfair."

"But Tikki, this way he won't be constantly flirting with me. Do you know how much easier it'll be to defeat akumas when he isn't distracting me?"

Marinette heard a few crashes from outside.

"Marinetteee…Marinetteeee" was sung from the street. A giant ice-cream-snowman was freezing people as he strolled along the pavement.

"This isn't over Marinette," Tikki warned her, before being sucked into the miraculous. Marinette's love life would have to wait till after the akuma attack.

A/N:

And so it begins…