* ANA POV *

You know that feeling, the one that makes the hairs on the back of your hair stand on edge? Its that same feeling of burning electricity that leaves licks of sensation in its wake. Its the type of feeling that you cant quite touch, but you can feel it. I have been having that feeling now for weeks. At first I thought nothing of it and passed it off as us getting used to each other and I didn't want to push him. I was after all, the one moving in with him. He had never lived with anyone and even though there were times in the 6months that I have been here that he couldn't look at me, it was worth it. He was worth all of it.

After I ran out on him after he took things to far in the red room, he came to my place after a week and begged for forgiveness. A stronger, more wiser Ana would have closed that door and not even gave him a glance, let alone another chance. But there was something in the way that he begged to be with me and the little whimpers at the end of every gasp made me rethink wether it even really hurt that much. He had red rimmed eyes and look sleep wasn't coming easy. If I was being truthful to myself I was glad that he had come and that he had missed me enough to come to me. The big Christian mountain moved and that was all I needed to come back to him. I was so happy to see him that I forgot about just how much it hurt, not only physically but also emotionally, to have him hurt me the way he did. It was like I saw the darkness in him and even though I shied away from it, I knew that there was other parts of him that wanted me just as I am; however small that part of him was. But now sitting here at the dinner table alone, again, made me really question if I had made the right choice at all. It was like living with a ghost. I could feel his presence everywhere, but I could never fully see him. At first I made excuses that he was just as busy as I was with work, if not more. And at the start he did try. He would at least grace with me with a warm smile when he left or a cute not saying he would be late. But now its blunt emails and more then not Taylor telling me he wouldn't be home before I fell asleep. Now it was harder to make up reasons why we could be the way we were.

I was working out more and eating right. I had even stopped complaining about the security that he said I didn't have a choice about. I felt as if a little bit by little bit, I was becoming something I didn't even recognise. At this point I just wanted whatever bombshell to explode because all the waiting was killing me. There is nothing worse than sensing something coming and not knowing what and when it would get here. Most of all, I could see that there were people around me who knew. Gail was too careful about what she said. It was like she had to make sure she didn't slip up and say something she wasn't supposed to. Our relationship before was so simple and easy and carefree. It was like having a older sibling or even a mother figure to point me in the right direction and talk about things that really weren't that important at all. But now, like everything else, it had become strained and too forced. And I didn't like it. A noise brings my attention from the chicken risotto that is now cold and sticky. Bells. Its my phone. I didn't want to look at it. It would be another email speaking of late nights and long meetings and unknown times of arrival. And the mood I was in was already low enough and it didn't need help from Christian and his excuses to make things worse. But like the fool I have become, it doesn't take me long to give in, to come running.

5 minutes. Holt café. x

I knew the place. I had even been there enough to know some of the staff. But what I didn't get was the cryptic message. Christian usually wasn't this cold. Cold he was sometimes, most times, but this was different. He didn't sound like the person I knew, not even the person I had seen recently but the more I read and re-read the message, I convinced myself of the light tone. It maybe different and odd and confusing but it was alluring as hell. Maybe this would be the beginning, the start of the turn around. Maybe this was his way of spicing up the luke warm waters we were treading together. He was known for surprises, and making big gestures. And even if he hadn't said he loved me yet, he had shown at times he did. With a jolt, I got up and raced for the elevator. Luckily I hadn't changed out of the work attire I had worn that day; simple knee high pencil skirt, white blouse and long off cream coat. I looked good. I had time to spend on looking after myself, taking time in the morning to get ready and apply products at night in Christians absence had done wonders.

"I'm just heading out for a little bit Sawyer. I know what the answer, but I'm going to ask anyways. Can I please drive and you can ride with me?"

"Miss Steele, I don't know. I don't want to get you in trouble with the boss."

"Look, I wont. Come on. That car sits there all day and night and we never get to use it. Or are you scared you wouldn't be able to handle it? I'll even let you drive it back here. Promise. And for crap sake would you call me Ana."

That was all it took. If it wasn't for Sawyer, I would have lost my mind. He has been here filling in the spot where Christian should be. We had been to dinners and movies and theme parks and once even for drinks. Of course it was only because Christian would bail last second but nonetheless I had fun. More fun than I was having with someone who was supposed to be here with me. It took us less that 15 minutes to get there. There was hardly anyone in the place because it was close to 9 at night. But I didn't care, I was happy and more excited than I could contain. The place was always so beautiful. There was little wooden tables and fairy lights that gave off a warm glow. Small melodic music played in the background and for some reason it always smelt like warm honey. There was a small dog, axe, that lounged where he usually was just under the bar and the sound of clinking glasses of the few couples left gave me hope. This was perfect. I stopped to look in the mirror and straightened out my clothes. Hopefully the new perfume I was wearing wouldn't put him off and for the strangest reason I was nervous. I hoped that I would still see that lust in his eyes and the want in his gestures. There was sex, every couple days but not enough to make me satisfied or to keep the longing away.

I could hear laughing. It was the type of laugh I had once and looking back, that should have warned me. It was carefree, worriless, content. I knew that laugh. I had grown to revel in that laugh and lately missed that laugh. I rounded the corner with my smile seeming to drift. The whole room was charged with electricity; it was like it had its own pulse and was moving to the beat of my own. What I noticed first was his hand. That hand was stroking her face. And it was if everything around me stopped moving; stopped living. His eyes where with wonder, staring unashamingly at only her. She however I couldn't see because her back was to me, but there was no doubt she was beautiful. Her thing legs crossed under her seat had dark brown heels that lead to her painted on jeans. I could see he was her type; long brown hair, tall, slender. Somewhere in the back of my mind strong Ana took over and moved my body behind the wall I just passed. I could hear him whispering sweet nothings about his day, what he had done and where he would be the rest of the week. She, with a voice of bells, replied in short sentences of approval. It was only when she said my name that I actually began really listening.

"What about Ana, Christian? I'm not going to be your secret much longer. I cant bear it."

I almost ran, and didn't stay to hear his reply. I wanted so much for my legs to move and take me somewhere, anywhere. But I couldn't move. I was frozen and confusingly transfixed on this small brown dog with black spots in front of me. It was staring at me, like it usually did. I wanted to scream and cry and run and hide but my brain wasn't fast enough.

"Look Sienna, I'm not about to walk away from her. I cant. Not yet. I don't know what to do. Its like I'm being torn into two pieces. You know your more than a sub to me and I know Ana deserves more, but I cant choose. Please don't make me choose."

This wasn't the man I knew. He wasn't even in the same field as the man I knew. He was pleading, the way he plead to me. She wasn't a sub, but neither was I or had ever been. But I could tell he had already made his choice. While I was at home waiting for him, he was dreading it. This was the reason. I wasn't enough. She was getting the best of him and I was getting the indifferent, cold version of him. Even though he was saying he wasn't ready to make a choice, I was.