Chapter 1
Harry ran from the laughing and taunting of Dudley and his cronies.
"We're gonna get you, poof!" puffed Dudley. Harry ignored the hurt he felt as he passed by other students enjoying their break, looking away or through him as he ran. It wasn't their fault. If he could avoid being a target of his cousin, he would too. As he turned around a corner near the library he dove behind a bench into one of his hiding spots, only noticing the startled and puzzled girl looking straight at him after he had hid away.
He was doomed. Since when did anyone sit back here? Where were her friends? Who even was this girl? Harry didn't recognize her, but he envied her long blonde hair. He also noticed she had green eyes like his own before she turned to Dudley's voice calling out to her.
"You seen my delinquent, freak cousin around?"
The girl's eyes lingered for a moment over where Harry was hidden before she turned back to Dudley with a shrug.
"Sorry, haven't seen anyone like that."
Dudley got up in her face, looming over the girl. "You sure about that?" Dudley stared her down, his fist slightly raised in threat.
"Yep, perfectly sure," she replied, staring defiantly back. Dudley lowered his fist and huffed.
Dudley started walking off before pausing to remark. "You know, bad things happen to people who're close to that Freak, and it's not always me."
Harry continued to hide even after Dudley had gone, too afraid he'd be waiting, just out of sight to ambush him when he showed himself. The girl had returned to look straight at him.
"Was that meat-head talking about you?" she asked suddenly. Harry jumped and nearly banged his head into the bench as the silence broke.
Harry paused for a moment before nodding.
"Are you nodding down there?" the girl asked. "I can't really see you from here."
Harry, after a moment of thought, cautiously crawled out from under the bench and stood. "Yeah, Dudley's my cousin, but he doesn't like me 'cause I'm a freak."
The girl gave Harry a concerned look before giggling. "I think he's the freak: The mysterious land-whale!"
Harry couldn't help but smile and chuckle at the comparison he himself had made many times, at least within his own head. "I'm Harry Potter," he said, a little uncertain as he walked over and proffered his hand.
"Sue Tyler. Nice to meet you, Harry!" She got up and grabbed Harry's hand, shaking it exuberantly. Harry smiled awkwardly, a little flushed as he took in her long blonde hair, smattering of freckles seemingly isolated to her little nose, and her dark blue eyes.
"So, did you bring a lunch or do you have to buy one?" Sue asked. "We can eat together if you want. Your dumb cousin probably won't think to look in the same place twice."
Harry shuffled his feet and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "I, er… don't have a lunch."
Sue frowned in thought for a moment, but ultimately shrugged before sitting down and offering up half of her sandwich. "We can share, then."
Harry had heard of and even seen the ease with which other children made friends, but had always been an outsider to such things, until lunch that day with Sue. That moment Harry made his first friend would forever remain a fond memory.
As the school year went on the two remained thick as thieves. Harry and Sue running from Dudley and his gang together, making jokes about them together and at times even standing up for one another. Sue took on Harry's passing interest in books and quickly converted them both into complete bookworms, while Harry absorbed Sue's love of animals and, as an inevitable consequence, her vegetarianism as well. After seeing some of the pictures Sue showed him, Harry just couldn't help but empathize with the sad, caged-up animals.
Upon return from Winter Holidays, Harry was met by the sight of his friend unlike he had ever seen her before. She wore a brightly-colored dress with long sleeves and a huge ruffled skirt. She also wore a sour expression as she sat with a huff.
"Stop staring," Sue snapped. "I know I look ridiculous, but I have to wear this, it's a present from my gran!"
Harry frowned. "I don't think you look ridiculous. Your dress is really pretty, even if it's not what you normally wear." Sue rolled her eyes.
"Why don't you wear it then?" Sue snapped.
Harry wanted to reply, but wasn't sure how best to do so. He trusted Sue, but she was liable to tease him relentlessly. Aunt Petunia's voice rang out in his head from the last time Harry had asked to wear a dress. Don't ever even think of that again, dresses are for girls and new clothes aren't for freaks and freeloaders. Harry blushed and looked at the ground, rather than replying to Sue's comment.
Harry could see Sue frowning in confusion out of the corner of his eye and sighed, resigned he would have to tell her the truth.
"I… Er..." Harry began awkwardly. "I wouldn't mind..."
Sue's eyebrows shot up in surprise and then furrowed in thought.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it, I know I'm a freak. Forget I said anything!" Harry covered his face and curled up as small as he could manage. He couldn't help but expect Sue to yell at him, call him a freak, storm off, certainly nothing good. Instead he felt her arms encircle him and embrace him. He froze, unsure how to react, but the unexpected warmth and comfort eventually eased Harry's fears.
"You're not a freak, Harry," Sue said. "You're my best friend. Wanting to dress in girls' clothes isn't really that big a deal." Tearfully, Harry explained to her about his previous "dress-up" and his aunt's reaction while Sue comforted him and told him Petunia was wrong and terrible.
Over the next couple of weeks Harry and Sue would meet in out of the way places, she would give him little things like hair clips and makeup, and teach him how to wear them. Harry slowly became a little obsessed, noticing the differences in how girls did their hair and walked and with Sue's help attempted to clumsily imitate them. Sue would always smile and encourage Harry with compliments, though things changed the first time she let him wear her hated girly dress.
Sue was frozen in shock staring at Harry. For his part, the longer she went without talking and just staring at him, looking him up and down with a critical eye, the more he blushed and fidgeted under the attention.
"Does it look… bad?" Harry asked.
"No, no!" Sue quickly replied. "It's not that… I was just surprised." She paused for another uncomfortable moment before finishing her thought.
"I'm just surprised how much like a girl you look." Her frown was finally replaced by a smile after she shook her head, clearing away some thought or other. "Honestly Harry, it's unfair how cute a girl you make."
Both Harry and Sue giggled then as the tension released. Harry couldn't wipe the grin and the blush from his face though. I look like a girl? I'm cute?
"Sue..." Harry began after the awkward moment. "I don't really understand any of this, but when you say things like that it makes me really happy. I think..." Harry trailed off. "I think there's been some kind of mistake. I don't want to just dress-up, I wish I could dress like this all the time."
"I don't want to get taller or get muscles or a beard or whatever. Sue..." Harry's eyes filled with tears. "I think I'm a girl, Sue. Deep down, it doesn't feel right to be called 'he' and 'boy,' but how? How could I be like this? I really must be a freak." Harry was openly weeping now, and Sue came to give him a hug and a pained smile.
"I don't know either, Harry," she said. "I wish you were a girl too." And more than anything before what Sue said hurt. He knew she didn't mean it, but it still hurt. "I wish you were a girl..." because I'm not one. She doesn't believe me…
"You can keep that," Sue said, smiling. "I hate it and it looks way better on you."
Harry beamed back. "Th-thank you."
Despite the awkwardness and the inner pain Harry still felt at Sue's comment their friendship only grew stronger and closer. And Harry grew even more open and determined. Toward the end of the school year Harry just couldn't take it anymore.
"Sue..." Harry began. "I want to dress how I want."
Sue looked over puzzled. "You already do? Do you mean you want to go dress up now?"
"No, I mean," Harry took a fortifying breath. "I want to all the time, and I want to start next week, the last week of school. Will you help me?"
Sue had a conflicted look but as their eyes met, she could only nod and smile.
"Sure Harry, let's do it."
When the day came, Sue was unexpectedly out of school. She had warned Harry it might happen as her parents often took her out early for holiday trips. So while he was more scared without her, the determination and strength she had given him were enough to carry him.
He took the female clothes from his hiding place in the cupboard and stuffed them into his backpack before making his way to school. He arrived early as usual, fear and anticipation building in equal measure. He snuck into the girls' toilets and got to work.
He employed everything Sue had taught him and carefully made himself up the best he could. In the end he looked in the mirror and a surge of indescribable warmth surged from his stomach through his whole body. He looked in the mirror and saw a girl. Light make-up covered her scar, she had familiar messy hair, but otherwise, Harry felt transformed. He was happy and comfortable in a way he never even knew he was lacking. He started to grin and couldn't wipe the look off his face as he breathed and drummed up the courage to leave the bathroom and finally start his life for real.
It all went well at first. Other children noticed Harry for the first time, asking who she was. Was she new? Isn't the last week of school an odd time to transfer in? Harry thought it might actually go over well. Until Dudley came along scrutinizing his face. Harry's heart was pounding and he tried to avoid Dudley's scrutinizing gaze. The bottom fell out of the pit of his stomach when the boy's eye's alighted on the scar on his face and his cousin's face became a feral grin.
"Hey! you're not a girl, you're my freak cousin." Dudley exclaimed. His face burning hair bolted, trying to escape.
Dudley had spoken loud enough that virtually all of their classmates arrayed about the schoolyard had heard and were all pointing and laughing as Harry ran past.
There were whispers of: "is he some kind of poof?" and "Is this a prank," as well as the most hurtful, "knew it was him all along, just thought it was funny to play along."
All the while Dudley and his gang were taunting and laughing uproariously as they chased him. "You're gonna be in sooooo much trouble," Dudley cackled."It's just like when you stole from Mum! She's gonna kill you!"
Harry's eyes filled with tears as he turned a corner and spotted his only saving grace. Sue was in her usual spot, the same spot where he had met her at the beginning of the year. As he came into her view she looked startled and couldn't respond before Harry dove to hide beneath the bench.
Dudley turned the corner and halted, looking all over.
"You again!" Dudley cried. "Gonna hide that little poof boyfriend of yours again?"
Harry could see Sue shaking and then she shattered his world apart.
"He's under the bench!" she screamed tearfully as she got up and ran herself. Harry felt utterly betrayed and couldn't muster the effort to resist or wiggle free as Dudley's two loyal cronies pulled Harry out from his hiding place, hoisting him up and holding him against the side of the building.
"Dad says I'm built for boxing and that I should try out for the Smeltings team once I get in," Dudley said mock-casually before punching his cousin hard in the gut. "Tell me, what do you think?"
What followed were several punches each punctuated with "freak!" or "poof!" or some other verbal abuse as Harry tried to take the punches stoically but could help but sob.
After a while he was dropped in a heap while the three bigger boys loomed over him and laughed and promised even more pain and humiliation.
But Harry knew Dudley's M.O. by now, knew this moment was coming and scrambled through a gap between Dudley and Piers and clambored to his feet at a sprint.
"Hey!" Dudley shouted. "We're not done with you yet!"
Harry knew he was slower after that beating, knew he couldn't outrun them again. At that moment, as he turned another corner, there was nothing in the world he wished for more than to escape them, to be safe.
He tripped and fell over, but suddenly found he wasn't on the ground any longer, but on the roof of the building he had been running around mere moments before. Peeking over the side, he could see Dudley and his gang round the corner and look left and right, unable to find him.
Harry flopped back onto the roof and sighed in relief. Then the adrenaline ebbed away and the pain in his stomach as well as his heart from Sue's betrayal bore down on him like a weight, so he curled up into a ball and cried. He cried for hours until he succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep.
He was awoken by the brisk evening chill and loud shrieks of admonishment. He picked out a few words, such as something about a roof and a mark on his permanent record, but he just went where he was led, silently.
The Dursley's were upset that they were called in the middle of the day, to deal with more delinquent behavior from Harry and when he was sent home early, they threw him roughly into his cupboard, promising no meals for a week and a summer of hard labor, as if that was somehow different from typical summers.
Harry closed his eyes and tried to focus on the feeling of having a friend, someone who complimented and supported him. He had felt almost comfortable in his own skin. He smiled bitterly. He knew he was broken, he had been told many times by the Dursleys that God hated freaks like him. He thought he understood why that might be now, he was a mistake. God had been drunk like his parents or something when he made Harry and put a girl's soul, his soul into a boy's body. People hated admitting to their mistakes, after all.
He snuffed out his secret wishes for someone to save him from the Dursleys or that he would wake up in the girl body he belonged in. There was no God, at least not one who was going to fix him, that would be admitting to His mistake, after all, there was no Father Christmas, and there was no such thing as magic, as the Dursleys were very clear on that last one whenever the topic came up.
If Harry wanted to make his life better, no one and nothing would help him but himself, he realized that now.
True to their word, the Dursleys increased Harry's workload significantly and for two weeks Harry was worked to the bone on barely enough food to keep him alive. He weeded, scrubbed, mowed, pruned, painted, organized, swept and dusted all day and collapsed onto his tiny cot each night, thoroughly exhausted. After three weeks though, the Dursleys began to feed him his usual portions again and were hard-pressed to find much more work that needed doing. So Harry's workload also lessened to only daily chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry and occasionally sewing up torn clothes.
After another couple weeks he was allowed time to himself again. In that time, he had thought on a great many things. Realizing that if it weren't for the Dursley's making him, he really wouldn't mind cooking or gardening. And despite their best efforts to mock him or make it unpleasant, Harry found he truly enjoyed sewing.
In all that time thinking, Harry had realized something else in the calm and quiet of his own mind. He was not a he. The pronoun, the trappings of masculinity and boyhood, none of it was right. Harry was a girl, a she. And she would do whatever it took to make her body right, so everyone else could see and understand what she had always felt about herself. She finally knew who she was, and no one, not even the Dursleys could ever make her feel bad about it again.
