(2.3.5: MESSAGING DRESSCODE PROGRAM)
Yes, 'MessaGing Dresscode Program'.
That's definitely what 'MGDP' stands for, not 'Misato's Genius Dancing Plan'. And the other thing is certainly not something she made up last minute so that it would look less ridiculous on the reports...
If I had any life left in my body, I would roll my eyes; If I had any tears left, I would be crying.
To think that there was a time when all five of us and Misato were united by a common goal…
I mean, we still ought to be, but everything got so complicated…
I expected the war to be brutal, and my expectations were surpassed a thousand-fold, but never in a million years would I have thought that we would ever end up crossing blades with each other.
December 4th 2014
T minus 404 days
(Day 7)
So, before I digressed, I probably left you wondering: What on Earth (or any other planet) is MGDP?
Well. It was explained to us like this:
"I've got it now! I've cracked it! The secret between our lackluster performance! I should have realized all along that the problem is the costumes!"
...could it be?
Had Misato-san and the others finally realized that we might all do much better if we weren't stuck wearing these embarrassing clothes? I mean, if this was a video game, these outfits would probably give us some sort of negative stat-modifier…
"The costumes are clearly not immersive ENOUGH!"
No please – Please, Misato-san. The last thing we need is more 'immersion'.
Please feel free to think of that famous gif of Darth Vader yelling 'NOOO!', if that is still a thing that exists in the godforsaken wasteland that we now live in.
There was no use fighting it, but that memo never got sent to Asuka:
"What is that even supposed to mean?!"
"Isn't it obvious? The matched leotards might be great at creating 'team spirit', but I've realized now is that what we really need is that extra push of adrenaline that makes everyone want to do their best… like on a stage!"
A stage?!
What sort of plan was this supposed to be?
"...has mom even okayed this?"
"Oh yes!" confirmed Misato, possessed by the sort of overclocked manic enthusiasm that is only born from a deep well of desperation, plugged by an even thicker lid of denial. "She was actually very pleased with the idea!"
...she was?
Then again, seeing how random these activities had been, it's wholly possible that Misato was beginning to catch onto their specific brand of anti-logic. Mom did praise our 'results' during the part where we played music…
"Are we going to wear suits and dresses again?"
"Precisely! That way you'll feel like you are dancing at a real, proper ball! And when you feel that in your bones… BAM! It just has to work!"
"This is patently ridiculous!" protested Asuka – but when she looked to us for solidarity, she found that the rest of us had already resigned ourselves to our fate.
To be fair, in hindsight I'm no longer certain how much Misato herself really believed in this idea – after all, it was her job to sell us on this.
So, fancy dress it was. Kaworu picked out another suit, not bothering to get his own this time… I think even he must have been getting tired of this, at least mentally. One wonders why he was even participating anymore after clearing the routine with both Mari and Rei. I didn't see much hope that either of us was going to need But hey, at least, he really rocked that frilly shirt. What I picked out was maybe less suited to an opera house and more for going to a business meeting, but so long as Misato didn't object, I wasn't going to look more attention-grabbing than necessary. Asuka, of course, went for the fanciest, runway-type thing she could find, a strapless dress of heavy salmon-colored fabric with a layer of lace sewn on top of it for decoration and a dark red bow going around the waist. Rei had gone with a simpler, modest design with similar patterns on the black, top part, and a shiny grey skirt.
Mari went straight for the sleek pink evening gloves and a dramatic ballroom dress with many ruffled layers – a decision I can only interpret as a wish to play the 'next level' of this challenge in 'hard mode'.
For silly as the leotards might have looked, they were at lest functional, elastic, made for moving around with. The fancy clothes were not so flexible, and I was worried that I was gonna rip them, even if GEHIRN was sure to pay for everything. Mari's outfit was an outright tripping hazard.
Why exactly did Misato think that this would help?
On first impression, I would argue that all this did was to amp up the difficulty level…
"Are we really supposed to do the whole dance in these clothes?" I asked doubtfully.
"Well, that's up to you guys~"
...I was beginning to develop an urge to flinch whenever I saw Misato grinning like that.
Thankfully, Mr. Kaji came to our rescue with an explanation:
"We've figured that as long as we keep directing your every move, you're not really learning to coordinate with each other – it's too forced. That's why you'll be training on your own today. We can count on you acting responsible, right?"
...would he still say that if he had seen just how ugly our 'little scuffle' had gotten yesterday?
I bet he'd be disappointing.
Then again, this was the first time we'd be alone in the training room, though, so it's not like Asuka had any time to seek and destroy the cameras, so if we started fighting again, they'd probably just send in the security goons to break us up…
But we did not end up fighting.
I thought we might when Asuka turned around toward the rest of us no sooner than the grownups had disappeared out of the door, and I feared, for an instant, that she was meaning to take advantage of the slim window of opportunity between their departure and their arrival wherever it is that they might or might not have their screens –
I couldn't be certain how permanent yesterday's night-time peace talk would be, especially considering what had taken place right before.
Surely enough, Asuka starting pointing around the place with her fingers, talking in her big, loud voice: "Listen up everyone! I'm just about sick and tired of this entire circus, and I refuse to believe that you aren't, no matter what you're trying to tell me.
I intend to get this entire nonsense over with right today! All of it."
"Whoa, the princess has gotten all ambitious~" quipped Mari.
"Shut up, four-eyes, I'm talking. Anyways, you get yourself into position with the first. Next, Nagisa! Since you've got a lot of free time, you're going to turn on the music when I say so. And once you do, I want you to clap your hands, like a metronome, can you do that?"
"I'm not certain what you mean to do, but I will attempt it…?"
"I don't wanna hear of any 'attempts'! Do or do not, there is no 'try'!"
I'd like to add here that that adage is terrible advice, especially with anything you struggle with. If you expect to be good right away, you'll just quickly lose your confidence, and in real life outside of manufactured competition, half-ass is a lot better than no-ass.
Asuka might have lived a much happier life if she had known that back then, but, I guess the same could be said about myself, in a different way. She tended to think that total victory was the only acceptable result. I, meanwhile, struggled to feel motivated when I knew there wasn't much of a chance to succeed.
Today was no different, but, I ended up taking the path of least resistance. Following what Asuka said was simply easier than trying to protest against it.
"Ok then – Four Eyes and Honor Student? You get on your positions. Baka Shinji? With me.
And when I say go, all of you go – including Nagisa with the clapping."
"Whoa, someone seems to have put themselves in charge~" joked Mari – but she was not really protesting so that Asuka felt free to ignore her. Mari might not have been very much of a follower, but neither did she have any interest in being a leader or challenging Asuka for dominance.
"I'm gonna tell you what we're going to do: We're going to do it just like Mama said yesterday. We're gonna do the group simulation all at once, and we're going to beat it this time."
"We were instructed to train in pairs, though," remarked Rei.
I thought Asuka might get mad, but this time, she very much had an answer prepared, and her confident smirk only grew when she finally got to say it: "Precisely! That's why we all have to do the dance flawlessly, so they can't complain once we win. Not just me and Shinji or you and Four-Eyes, but every possible pair."
Lofty ambitions, considering that she and I had not managed to crack the routine even once so far – though it was of course perfectly likely that we were uniquely mismatched, and judging by the others, it did seem to get easier after the first time, since the dance itself remains the same…
"I've got a plan – so all you guys have to do is listen to me. You owe me, since it's my birthday, and I don't even get to celebrate because of this stupid, moronic exercise. If we can be done with this stupid dancing today, it will be the best gift of all time!
So do your best, and don't you dare slack off!"
Smiling mildly, Kaworu chose to punctuate this with slight applause. "Thanks for your hard work."
"Flattery will get you nowhere! Now man your post!"
Perhaps because she was frustrated with the endless frustrating repetitions, the illustrious Captain Soryu decreed that we should switch groups after every round of music, just to 'keep things fresh' and 'get us unstuck'. Not that she was a Captain yet. Or anymore. Actually, I have absolutely no idea what her current rank is, but I'd be surprised if she wasn't promoted in all those years.
At least, we finally got to the part where she isn't twelve anymore.
It was just as I thought: Asuka and I were exceptionally incompatible. Kaworu and I had essentially cleared the routine once already, so that was over quick. We did another two tries, but only to refine our technique.
"See? Good things come to be when we work together."
Thanks, Kaworu.
Synchronizing with Mari was not quite so easy – possibly the hardest, out of anyone who wasn't Asuka. She tends to be very much a 'go with the flow' type of person, which I'm… really not.
Half of her feedback was asking me to do vague, instinctual-related things that I didn't know how to do. For a bit, I found myself getting quite a bit frustrated, as I had been hoping to finally have an easier time with the other team members… but oddly enough, getting more frustrated – which is, perhaps, to get more emotional and act more on sudden instincts – actually helped my performance quite a bit. "Yes, yes puppy boy, just like that! Don't lose the scent!"
Our final performance was, according to Kaworu, actually quite impressive.
"I knew you had it in you! There's a good puppy!"
Asuka seemed to be getting quite annoyed with this and ordered us to proceed with our next partners.
Which meant that I had to dance with Rei.
Not that this was a bad thing… not at all! But I couldn't help feeling a bit awkward.
I didn't want to embarrass myself.
I couldn't really tell what she was thinking as she silently took her place and readied her stance.
I needn't have worried – we succeeded at once. It was not that she followed my movements with the faithfulness of a shadow or a mirror image, no, that would have been an understatement.
Rather, it was as if we were two halves of a symmetrical whole, like the two wings of a single bird – except that would have been too presumptuous, as I could not lay any claim to the sort of angelic grace that Rei would possess… though I admit that I might be a biased source here.
I do think there was a bit of a… moment, but, there wasn't really any time to dwell on it.
I was swiftly shooed off the motion gaming rig by an oddly peeved Asuka so that I might make room for Mari.
That said, I do not wish to create the impression that the problem was all on Asuka's side – not in the least. She, too, immediately did leagues better as soon as she was no longer paired with me. While I had struggled a little with Mari, Asuka did particularly well with her, even if there was still quite a bit of shouting going on: "Darn-it four-eyes, take this seriously! Don't just charge ahead without thinking! Don't be sloppy, we are doing serious work here! Ugh, you're so annoying to deal with, do you know that?"
"I try my best~"
Though Mari may tease Asuka, she had no desire to call the shots herself, therefore playing right along without stressing too much about the orders of our makeshift drill sergeant.
When it was time for Asuka to be paired with Rei, I felt a certain sense of anxiety welling up within… right now, Asuka seemed first and foremost focused on getting this exercise over with once and for all, but I couldn't forget their earlier confrontations, some of which had come near to blows…
I don't think Rei had realized that it was supposed to be her turn yet.
She was sitting there patiently along with everyone else on the bench, remaining unmoved as Mari had casually set herself down.
Like in many of their previous confrontation, Asuka sought first to claim her attention, placing herself so as to tower over her, but Rei just remained looking forward, a wall of mist to all of her provocations.
"Hey! Hey you! Do you ever pay attention when people talk to you?!"
This did not look particularly encouraging…
"Let's get this straight right away: I don't like or trust you."
"Neither of these things is required. All we need to do is complete our task."
"ARGH! I can't stand how you keep yourself apart from us, do you know that? You won't even sit next to us, no, you're always just a bit off to the side, like you're afraid you'll catch the plague from us! How am I expected to work with somebody like that?!"
This was beginning to look more like a smackdown than a 'teamwork discussion' – Kaworu must have thought so too, for he raised up his hands in a placating gesture, "Now come on, Ayanami can sit wherever she wants, she's not hurting anyone."
For this, I was immensely grateful, since all that was now left for me to say was: "Yeah, exactly!"
I felt a little bad when Mari also agreed, I didn't want it to feel like we were dogpiling on Asuka – though Mari kept it to a lighthearted quip: "Yeah princess, I doubt she's thinking specifically about annoying you when she picks where to sit."
Yet it would be Rei herself who interjected:
"It's fine, I wish to hear what she has to say. If there is anything I can do to improve my performance, I wish to know it."
I think that may have annoyed Asuka even more than our jumping to Rei's defense – I think she would have rather preferred a fight.
But one she had said her piece, the other girl just quietly followed after her, carrying out her instructions without protest, and in time, they did complete their routine.
At the time, it was hard for me to understand why Asuka had seemed so reluctant to pair up with Kaworu, more so than even with Rei, whom she fiercely disliked – after all he was, by all accounts, just about the easiest of us to work with, the heart of our group, as it were. But of course, I would have been looking at this through my perspective, fearing rejection, not competition.
With myself, Mari and Rei, there was always something or another she could point to as evidence of our apparent inferiority, but Kaworu… well, for one thing, there was nothing about "poor teamwork skills" marked down in his file. She couldn't go and claim that it was silly to expect her to "adjust down" in this particular case.
At last, though, he got to be the only person left, so she pushed herself past that defensive reluctance to bite the bullet at last.
The results were… well. You would see neither Kaworu nor Asuka moving like that then they had to keep pace with the likes of us.
I think in the end, Asuka didn't find it as bitter as she had feared.
"You know what, Nagisa? This wasn't so bad. It was really nice to go all out for once. I've been wanting to do this all along!"
"Then I'm glad I could be of help."
Fortunately, Kaworu is a really patient, humble sort of guy who didn't think twice of subordinating himself, if that's what it took to keep the peace. He didn't have a shred of ego for provocations to pull on and responded calmly and reasonably to any request while still gracefully declining anything too unreasonable. I guess even Asuka couldn't find too much reason to dislike him.
Then it was our turn. You know at first, when I first pulled it off with Kaworu, I was dreading the moment when I'd have to pair up with her again, fearful of dispelling this illusion of progress when we inevitably failed once again. But over the course of this exercise, I think we'd both gotten into a sort of rhythm, and seen an interruption to the constant string of failures.
Different as our surface demeanor might have been, I think we were both feeling much more reassured when we got back to it – the routine still required my utmost concentration, but somehow, we managed to get to the end of it without any beeps from our equipment.
Across the room, Rei and Mari had managed the same, facing us like mirror images
I was kind of reluctant to believe it, lest I feel the cold hard slap of reality push me off the podium of premature celebration, but we repeated it a few times, and it wasn't a fluke.
Asuka's relief was little less palpable than mine… more, actually, since she was more energetic in her expressiveness. I think all of us were just about sick ad tired of it, with the possible exception of Mari – but she later professed that she'd been getting bored of this and couldn't wait to do something else.
Now I don't know what Misato thought when we all came marching into the simulation control room, led by Asuka, whose demeanor was greatly changed compared to this morning – she was now brimming with confidence, smirking wide in anticipation, like a girl whose time was come.
She walked up straight to Misato in a series of long, certain strides, knowing exactly what she was going to say: "I want to try the joint simulation again, just like Mama said yesterday."
If the grownups were astounded at this sudden confidence, then at least some of them – especially Misato and Kaji – must have been intrigued to find out what's behind it.
I don't think this was their plan, but they shared this one look and then nodded to us, letting us proceed as we wished – Dr. Akagi was regarding us with a raise of her skeptical eyebrow, but she didn't say anything either. The junior technicians seemed to find this change encouraging.
With the GEHIRN staff wrangled, Asuka turned to us.
"Okay everyone – Do it just like we talked about."
Most of us nodded resolutely. Mari, who was always a little bit more extra, resorted to a full-on salute: "As you wish, Your Highness!"- make sure to imagine a British-style salute here, not the American kind. Her palm would have been pointing forward, and she was most certainly grinning in a way not exactly befitting the soldier she was attempting to mime…
Then we each went to our plugs.
I followed Asuka's instructions without thinking much – she was yelling, firstly, and the unthinking action kept my mind of the stressing.
My attention was chiefly on my own part of the task, which was strange, really, cause it actually felt easier than doing this on my own. At first, what I thought I'd have to do, was to worry about the whole battlefield, and then on top of that, also worry about the others.
Instead, now, I found my worries lessened, trusting that Asuka more or less knew what she was doing.
If I missed a shot, Rei would jump right in the way with a shield to keep the return fire off my back; If I found myself surrounded, Mari didn't fail to extract me from the pickle. If I doubted my next step, Kaworu was right there to encourage me.
At one point, Asuka and I drop-kicked two of our simulated foes in perfect unison.
It was not like we finally, barely, took down the enemy just nick of time, moments before collapsing into an inelegant heap.
No – the task that overwhelmed us when we were each trying to master it on our own had now become downright easy. I suppose this is what actual teamwork is supposed to be like.
Soon we were back in the control room, all looking varying degrees of relieved. Asuka was grinning like she'd won an Olympic medal. Even Rei was smiling a little. Kaworu seemed mostly relieved. Mari was, obviously, pumped: "About time!"
Nor had the grownups failed to notice just who had cooked up the plan.
"Nice, Asuka!" cheered Misato.
But she would have been positive about this one way or another. What counted more was Dr. Akagi scratching her chin ponderously, wondering aloud if Ms. Soryu had not spoken from pure overconfidence in suggesting that her daughter might make a good field commander.
That's when Misato turned serious, her whole demeanor changing back into command more with jarring suddenness so that even Asuka was a little stumped by it.
"Asuka."
"...yes?"
"Out of everyone here, you're the boldest and the most decisive. That's always been one of your greatest strengths. But there's one thing that you'll need to understand: The power of a leader is not to act, but to get others to act on their behalf. That means that you need to be able to understand the strengths and weaknesses of everyone around you, and know when to delegate tasks to them. The leader is important, yes, but that doesn't mean that everyone else isn't. In my job, I need to know what I can do, and what everyone else can do. I know military stuff. Ritsuko knows tech stuff. I need to be able to tell which task calls for what. If I insisted on solving all the tech problems myself because I wanted to hog the spotlight, we would not get very far here, do you understand?
If you can keep that in mind, I think you could go on to be one of the greatest assets to our war effort."
"We're proud of you, Asuka." added Kaji, who perhaps had the freedom to be a little softer here as we weren't his direct subordinates. "You've done something really extraordinary today."
That left even her at a loss for words.
Before this week, I would have thought her physically incapable of acting this bashful, her face nearly as red as her plugsuit: "-But it took me a week! And I looked really uncool at first…"
"...and still, you've worked hard to improve upon a skill that you struggled with, even if it doesn't come to you naturally. Everyone loves to work at things that they're actually good at, but overcoming your greatest challenges is something that requires real determination. You've been acting very mature today."
She got so flustered that she abruptly turned away, hiding her face in her hands.
Never would I have thought that I would see such an expression on the Asuka I had known so far… but perhaps this meant that we had all become better friends.
Maybe she had thought that we were going to laugh if we had seen her thus, but Kaworu, Mari and I just regarded her with relieved fondness, and Misato, snapping back to fun mode without delay, promptly made a great announcement: "Now, let's get you all to the cafeteria! I'm sure that Soryu-san must have finished decorating the cake by now."
"...Cake?"
"Oh, right? Did we forget something? SURPRIIIIIISE~"
On command, most of the technicians burst into song.
"Happy birthday, dear Asuka! Happy birthday to you!"
"but- But I thought you said-"
"That your duties must take precedence, yes," recalled Misato, "But that doesn't mean that we can't squeeze in a wee bit of celebration nonetheless. It goes without saying that we would've let you have your cake whether you cleared the simulation or not. But now that you've done it, we can take our sweet time with the celebration, since there's no need to rush you kids to your next activity."
...in the end, Ms. Soryu was not actually able to obtain a whole cake from the cafeteria, so she'd bought a hodgepodge collection of different slices which she decked out with decorative candles.
It probably wasn't the kind of celebration that Asuka would have planned for, especially since our friends were not here, but Misato and Kaji promised to make up for that with those joint parties and shopping trips they've been mentioning earlier.
By this point, Asuka had gathered herself sufficiently to insist that she would definitely hold them to it – her haughty grin had returned, but just for today, there was less of an edge to it, and a backdrop of genuine, childlike joy.
It helps that Ms. Soryu was proud beyond all bounds, especially once she heard that our eventual victory was largely thanks to Asuka's leadership.
Asuka made some token efforts towards insisting that she was way too old for head pats, but I doubt she really meant it.
Despite all, this was a happy day for Asuka.
When we'd gone to get changed, she'd been gushing to myself and Mari about how "Kaji-san finally noticed me!" I think his intentions with his praise were a little bit different than what she might have been imagining, but I do think she deserved the praise.
Before this, I guess I hadn't really thought of her as someone who even needs such a thing, or faces struggles at all, but I realize now that that is, of course, pretty silly.
Everyone needs at least a little bit of love and appreciation. I'd just been mired in my one-dimensional conception of her as this very strong person – which she is, but, not everyone is strong all the time.
I was about to understand this even better when I was just about done packing my things. Asuka had brought lots of stuff and Asuka had her big piles of books, so it took us longer to gather our belongings than it did for Kaworu and Rei.
I had bidden them goodbye as they left, and I expected to follow soon after, but just I was pulling up the zipper on the last of my suitcases, there was a knock on the door, and in came Mari.
"Hey Puppy boy! My friend has something important to tell you!"
Now, I could easily see Mari bravely taking the initiative for a friend, but I did not expect that the friend whom she convinced to come through the door with a little more gentle prodding would turn out to be Asuka, who awkwardly stepped forward to face it.
"Now go on! Say it! I'll promise you'll feel better."
Asuka sighed, deliberately gathering her breath.
"As of late, my mom didn't really have much time for me, so I was lonely. Crashing at your place made that better, and when you made those Bentos for me, it made me feel taken care of, which I'm not supposed to need, or like, except that it was still kinda nice. You're a boy, and you were paying attention to me, so, for a bit, I thought that I liked you."
...huh?
"That's why that whole… kiss thing happened. But now, I just wanna pretend like that whole thing never happened."
I'm really glad that she's telling me this now that we all have calmed down, and not just yesterday when we were getting all emotional.
I'm really glad that she said this now, and not sometime later, when we'd both be trapped in maelstroms of wanting, need, and despair.
I'm not sure that I would have been strong enough to be fair to her, otherwise.
"I – I… Uh…"
If I don't speak now, if I keep quiet to protect myself, she's gonna make her own assumptions, so…
"First of all, thank you for telling me this. It's the first time that a girl has said something like that to me – It's really, really flattering, especially since you're really pretty and really, really cool...- "
My voice faltered here, a bit.
"I mean, I like you too. But if anything's become clear to me in these past few days, it's that we're really, really different. We've got nothing in common – I mean, we don't even get along with each other's friends.
I guess you were right: I really was a clueless little boy who doesn't realize he's lucky. I truly had no idea! Not about your feelings, or how much this whole pilot thing has been really been weighing on you, and all this even though I've spent all this time with you!
I guess we're very different in the ways that we express ourselves… and we're both not very good at it. I don't think that I'm the person that could always make you smile. So this wouldn't work, and I'm sorry about that."
Asuka exhaled.
"Ah, I see. At least you were a man about it and told me straight to my face. That's more than I expected."
Mari brazenly put an arm around her: "Well done, princess, excellent! And you do, Shinji-kun. You did great. You see? Now, do you feel better, just like I told you? Eh? Eh?"
Lest Asuka keep poking her cheek with her finger, she grudgingly admitted to this.
"Fine! Now get off me."
Then she turned to me one last time:
"Friends?"
"Friends."
And that was that.
Mari bestowed Asuka with an approving clap on the back and the two left to get their luggage.
Now please don't get the wrong impression:
Everything I said on this day was true, but, if I had been even a slightly weaker person, if these words had found me at a slightly weaker moment, the outcome would have been different.
Of course I admire Asuka's drive and determination, and as her friend and comrade, I really ought to treat her fair and be mindful of her feelings. I know I shouldn't lead her on or be vague when I couldn't really commit. You've also seen that even though we are friends – family almost, with the way we've grown up together – we can be like cats and dogs sometimes.
But it's still true that she is very, very good-looking, and for a boy like me who is not overly confident nor very high in the schoolyard pecking order, the prospect of having a girlfriend at all is very tempting, much less a very popular, good-looking girlfriend whom half the school is after.
The attention and the status, the sheer ego boost of being able to say that the Asuka Langley is your girlfriend were very, very tempting, as was her fragrant, shapely body.
If I was always able to be strong-willed in such situations, I wouldn't have been roped into being a pilot in the first place.
Having a hot, brag-worthy girlfriend might have got me the respect I had often found so hard to find, and that sounded rather appealing, and this appeal was paradoxically increased by the knowledge that Asuka had sometimes been one of the very people making fun of me – there was almost an aspect of revenge to it, the temptation of getting the praise from the very mouth that denied it to me, one of the very pretty, out-of-my-league girls who wouldn't bat an eyelash at me.
If you've always been a confident or independent person you might be wondering how anyone could possibly feel attracted to somebody who puts you down, but when you're already insecure, someone who tells you nice things about yourself feels foreign.
You might think that they are bullshitting you, or grow anxious that their favor might wane at any moment. Someone who puts you down is safe and convenient because they confirm your already existing worldview. You don't have to be on your toes waiting for the moment that your fear might come true. It can feel right, intimate even – because we all know that sometimes, the truth hurts, so we feel the person who confirms our fears is being true.
But that is of course one of the fallacies that people are so vulnerable to, since our minds and bodies are made of such weak, fragile materials: The truth may hurt, but not everything that hurts is true. If I had been weak in that moment, we might have go on to lead each other on a merry, masochistic dance, driving out all happiness – I'm afraid of rejection, she can be a bit harsh, and that can set me off; She, I think, is probably afraid of being ignored, and I'm well aware that I'm not the world's boldest, most demonstrative person so that in turn can set her off - and that doesn't mean that either of us has evil intentions, or that our way of being is wrong… after all, Mari doesn't mind Asuka being harsh (within reason) since she's got more a thick skin, and Kaworu doesn't need me to be confident all of the time, since he's good at reading people either way. Certainly, it would not be good if Asuka was cursing out Mari all day or if I relied on Kaworu to an unreasonable extent, as I might sometimes have been guilty of, but it's a much more manageable challenge where we don't have to step on eggshells.
As for me and Asuka, over the years we had worked out a balance of closeness and distance that let us keep each other company without driving each other up the walls, and I'd really rather leave it at that. I'd rather have her as my comrade and friend than as a hated ex-girlfriend I can't bear to look at because there's just too much bad blood between us.
If I disregarded that better judgment because I'm just too desperate to have a girlfriend (and tell everyone about it, too), I would have been using her for my comfort, as surely as she was using me to get attention when she proposed that 'no string kiss' of hers, as was a fancy car that would make me fancier by extension, and whatever friendship or comradery we had built would surely not survive it.
That's a whole temptation of its own: It is often said that "opposites attract", and there is a fallacy as old as time which causes men to assume that the grass on the other side of the fence is always greener, the foreign girls on the other side of the sea much more exciting and desirable.
But if you look at some studies about which couples stay together, you find that married couples are, in fact, much more likely to have commonalities than differences and that the relationships that last are not those with the most excitement, but the pairs that feel the calmest and the most relaxed around each other - Those who free to express their thoughts without worrying about judgment, or about impressing the other person.
Sometimes people think that others can "complement" them: That 'possessing' a person with the desired traits will fix you or iron out your weaknesses. So people get drawn to people who have the traits that they feel are lacking in themselves, hoping that they could meld into a more complete whole.
But of course, that never happens, since you always remain individuals.
The classic example is that of a husband who is not very organized and a wife who is not very decisive, so they get attracted to this quality in one another, hoping to gain what they lack. But of course, that never happens; if anything, the effect is the opposite: The messy husband relies on his wife to clean all the mess and becomes, if anything, more messy, and the wife makes even less decisions, because she leaves them all to her husband. Instead of actually enjoying each other's presence, their spouse becomes a means to an end, an object that you use for its function, whose necessity you resent. The wife becomes not a wife but a glorified house-servant. She hates him for sucking her dry and he resents the nagging ball and chain, and yet they never part, cause they both feel that they can't function on her own.
I'd like to tell you that my respect for her as a friend won out over my desire to have my ego validated, but in truth, I think the main reason that I was able to be straight with her is the example of my parents. They have been called 'opposites', but largely by people to hung up on shallow external details to notice all their similarities.
In spite of that, they markedly differ in one thing: My father is not good at people. My mother is. She handles all the talking and smoothing and negotiating, and yet in all those years, not an inkling of her charm ever rubbed off on him. He just came to rely on her presence.
Now I love my parents – that is, back then I could still unambiguously say that I loved them without doubt or reservation – but after a lifetime of being borderline neglected in favor of their work, the last thing I needed in my life is a girlfriend who is obsessed with her ambitions and constipated at showing her affection.
Even the best, happiest version of Asuka I could picture – One who could openly state her needs and keep a healthy work/life balance – would probably still be a somewhat forceful, ambitious person, and even my best, most unrealistic hopes for my future self would probably still be quiet and introverted, even if I were to get Mr. Kaji's level of confidence. I can't see myself developing a sudden taste for the spotlight; I'd be glad to run a small family restaurant or work at an ordinary office job while Asuka is out there being a General or an Astronaut or whatever.
And I hope that whenever that happens, we will still be good friends.
(...I hoped, past tense now.
No more hope of that ever happening.)
(2.3.5: 𝕶𝖎𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗 𝖒𝖎𝖙 𝕹𝖚𝖒𝖒𝖊𝖗𝖓)
Now that my suitcase was packed and the girls had gone, all that's left for me to do was to go home – or that's what it should have been.
But once I actually gained the freedom that I'd been craving for most of this long, long week, I found that I didn't feel especially motivated to leave.
Stressful as it all might have been, at least it had served as a distraction from that which I had waiting for me at home – if my parents had been meaning to go home with me today, they surely would have let me know, and I don't doubt that they would be overjoyed to hear that their precious EVA pilot had now gained the precious superpower of 'not fighting like unruly toddlers' once they got the next report, but they probably hadn't read it yet – they hadn't even sent a text yet, not that this would have done much to remedy this sudden dip in my mood.
All that was waiting for me at home was a roomy, empty place, now perchance subtly stippled with just a smidgen of dust.
I could at least hope for the prospect that Asuka might start visiting again now that we had sort of buried the hatchet, but today she was gone home with her mother since it was her birthday and all.
I didn't hate the idea of going home, but I was probably avoiding it a bit, like an unpleasant task or a large, bitter pill.
I somehow ended up sitting somewhere by the Terminals, listening to my music in no particular hurry to get to the surface. I was just going to wait for the end of the song, but the one became three, and then I was reminded of how much I liked the third one so that I ended up replaying it multiple times.
In short, I was stalling for time, in that way that you do when you're only half aware that you're doing it.
I only noticed that I wasn't alone here when the gray view before me went dark.
I looked up from the bench on which I had been sitting only to find Kaworu standing over me, bending forward ever so slightly, smiling mildly down upon me.
I was so distracted, I didn't even hear him come through the gates, though they must have opened and closed to admit him. Now that I had seen him though, I wasted no time in plucking out my headphones. The simple fact that he had chased away the uncertainty of solitude brought a light feeling to my heart.
"Were you waiting for me here?"
"Not in particular…" but I had no doubt that he must have sought me out. "I was just, waiting to go home I guess… except lately, I haven't really felt much like going home…"
"Is that so? But having a home, a place to which you can always return should make you happy."
I guess it does, more so than having no home I guess.
That would be the silver lining to it. I didn't want to seem ungrateful…
"I should probably be going-" I surmised, struck by a sudden bout of responsibility – not that it lasted long. I just wanted to stay in the light rather than go back to being forgotten in the dark of our empty apartment.
"...unless you want to go to the bathhouse first or something?"
"Let's go then. To the bathhouse. Unless you'd rather I didn't come?"
I am once again reminded how much I like him. He has no reluctance to speak what I'm already thinking or to make his intentions clear, yet at the same time, he never pushes, he always leaves you an out, always making sure you're comfortable, always leaving me the room to express my feelings in my own time.
I followed him gladly.
The place where we were going wasn't really a bathhouse in the sense of a house as a freestanding building, but it was, indeed, a public bath much like the ones you could have found about the city, except that it was down in the geofront and hence, intended only for GEHIRN staff. I suppose now that Kaworu must be doing all his bathing here, or in the showers near our locker rooms, since he actually lives down here.
Now I'd always solidly been in the camp of preferring showers, but Kaworu said something about how the warm water might prevent us from feeling sore after the day's exertion… or really just me, since, knowing what I know now, I doubt that Kaworu has to bother with sore muscles.
He might still find it relaxing or pleasant, though – I'm certain that he seemed to be enjoying the hot water, relishing every moment of both the sensations of life and even my measly presence, even though… or maybe exactly because he knew that our days would be numbered.
In that way, we were very different. If I'd known everything that was going to happen, I don't think that I could have faced him – I would probably have avoided him from the start, and our whole friendship would never have happened in the first place.
Maybe it would have hurt less that way.
I don't know.
I envied him back then, the seeming effortlessness in everything he did, the joy he took in living, even his good looks. He was a little bit older than me, at a stage where one might transform from a child into a man if their parents blink, so he was significantly more mature-looking than me, while I seemed like a little boy beside him.
Somehow, I managed to feel a little timid and embarrassed even in a presence as reassuring as Kaworu's.
"You always compare yourself to others. Why is that?" he stated, like the narration of a story or the very voice of the Metatron that could not be contradicted.
I felt like he had read my mind – most likely, he'd just taken note of where my eyes were going. He's attentive like that, unlike me. He looked serious, pensive, purposeful, even naked in a large public bathtub.
There was no use denying it – I might not have been fully conscious of it before he said it out loud, but once he did, it was clear to me also: I did compare myself to others.
So why is it indeed?
"I just… don't know how else I can tell how I'm doing – like, is this alright? Am I doing something wrong? Is it enough…? That sort of thing. If that makes sense. I'm probably rambling..."
"It's fine. Your feelings came through."
It was just always so comforting, like something out of a dream, when he would understand just like that with no great effort. And though it wouldn't have occurred to me to phrase it as he did, Kaworu's words made immediate sense to me:
"You can only build your image of yourself by looking at the differences and similarities you notice between yourself and others, but there are also the images of you in the minds of others. They are inaccessible to you, and yet they very much determine the responses that you are going to receive. You don't know how those images of others might be different from your own image. You don't know how certain you may be of your own assessment if they might not match up with the perceptions of others. There remains always an insurmountable gap, because people are separate from one another, and because even when they seem to show what they feel, people's expressions may be colored by, or filtered through their own goals and biases. Does that uncertainty make you anxious?"
Yes. By god yes. Yes very much.
The tension behind many of my recent actions sprang into full consciousness.
I could feel the tightness throughout my body which I'd been writing off as simple exhaustion.
"I just don't want people to be mad at me. I can't stand it if they're mad at me, especially for confusing reasons… if they said that I'm doing good, then I'd at least know that they aren't mad-"
It that moment it felt right to say that like I was sitting on a stage in some metaphysical place of interrogation. But by the sounds of my unsteady voice and the blood rushing through my body, I was forcibly reminded that this was reality and that others could see and hear this.
"I'm sorry I- I was just getting a bit worked up there-"
But Kaworu ignored my feeble excuses, almost as if my words, no matter hum jumbled or needy, were actually worth hearing.
"You're uncertain about your role, aren't you? You're afraid of being hurt."
Yes. I presume I am. When you put it like that it sounds rather selfish and cowardly.
Or you'd think it would, but Kaworu didn't think so.
Before I knew it, he's taken hold of my hand.
"Your heart is fragile like glass… That's probably why it has won my sympathy."
I could feel my cheeks coloring.
He looked at me like I was the most fascinating thing in the universe – like mother and father peering through a microscope at the latest cell sample from EVA 01.
But just as I was thinking that this was getting a bit too intense, he broke that direct look into my eyes, let go of my hand and went back to just his usual, relaxed smile.
Then, he said:
"Do you want to sleep with me?"
I should clarify now that this was all a misunderstanding. A big, huge, giant misunderstanding, enough for me to get all flustered and get us both all wet while I splashed about in the water trying to regain my balance again.
Kaworu looked nonplussed: "...Excuse me, did I say something wrong? Asuka told me that friends often invite each other to stay over at each other's place and sleep there together. Is that incorrect?"
No, no, Kaworu-kun, don't you worry.
Sleepovers are definitely a thing that exists.
A boy who doesn't know that at 14 years of age though?
That's mystifying.
I didn't bring it up at once, mostly because I kept thinking of how utterly mortified I would be if I were to find myself at the opposite end of this conversation.
But while we were drying ourselves off, I couldn't silence the nagging thought that I should probably give him a pointer, lest any of our classmates get the wrong impression – particularly the female students that kept vying for his attention. Kaworu would probably know to diffuse the situation much more skillfully than I could have, but I still didn't want people to spread rumors about him or anything…
Once we got our clothes back on, the conversations continued all the way until we reached the corner with the vending machines, where our advance was briefly stalled by our efforts to procure ourselves some cans of soda.
Kaworu had already paid for both of us before I could dig up the money from my pockets, and of course, he knew exactly which brand and flavor I would have chosen.
I feel less bad about it now, knowing that it's Chairman Keel's money – not that any amount of carbonated sugar water could've made enough of a dent in his finances to hinder his nefarious plots.
But as we both sat there on those thin red benches, each sipping once in a while from our respective cans, I decided that I probably wasn't going to get a better chance to bring it up…
"Uh, Kaworu-kun… You do know people usually mean a little something different when they say 'sleep together', though?"
"Ah -oh. So that's what you- My bad, I was careless, I didn't realize how it might be taken. I didn't mean to fluster or offend you in any way."
"It's fine, it's fine!" I hurriedly assured him, "I know you'd never do anything to upset me on purpose-"
I did note the somber look that briefly crossed his face, but with the knowledge I had at the time, I must have given it a different meaning while fitting it into the framework of my thinking.
"I'm just… surprised that any kid our age wouldn't think of that. Except maybe Rei, I guess, but with her personality, it's less unexpected. Maybe it's because you both spent at lot of time at GEHIRN, but, it's like… you know a lot of stuff that most people our age wouldn't know, but there's also lots of stuff that almost everyone knows, and you don't…- Like, it's nice to have a sleepover with a friend once in a while, but you don't have to." I was thinking out loud by this point and caught myself in the act.
"– Ah, I don't mean to say you're weird or anything! And I think Asuka should stop saying that-"
"But I am different from the Lillim- I mean, from most other people. It's simply a fact. I'm not going to be offended just because that's pointed out. It comes as no surprise to me… Asuka is just stating the obvious truth. She's very direct and to the point – I appreciate that about her."
With anyone else you'd expect that they were just being polite, but as for Kaworu, he truly didn't seem surprised or offended, he didn't say it with a self-ironic tone, nor a passive-aggressive one… although his eyes did trail off at the end, in a way that might suggest loneliness – or even guilt.
Before I knew what I was doing, my arm had moved on its own.
"Hey, it's okay – I'm glad to be spending time with you."
It could not be long, however, before I did notice what I was doing, what with Kaworu's silky silver hair right under my fingers and my own hand plain in the center of my own field of vision – until I hastily pulled it back.
"Ah- Sorry, I- I wasn't thinking-"
I can only conclude that it took me an unreasonable amount of time to produce an answer.
"It's just that my mother used to pat my head like that, whenever I was upset as a kid…"
I trailed off there, half-heartedly concealing the feelings that bubbled up in my chest as I considered it.
But I fear Kaworu read me all too easily: "Do you want to talk about it?"
I caved rather easily.
"So much has happened since I agreed to become a pilot… In a way, it's kind of like when I started playing the Cello – thought I might be able to change myself, that I'd stop just kind of blending into the background and have something to be proud of for once. I didn't think I'd have to go through all these embarrassing experiences, or that I'd be yelled at. I thought...-
You know what I said earlier, about my mother? It's been a pretty long time since she's done that. It's like I haven't seen her outside of work for months on end! And father, too… I thought that would change if I became a pilot, but now it's like they're my bosses instead of my parents! I almost wish that things could go back to the way before… At least no one was having crazy expectations of me based on something I can't even control!"
Kaworu questioned me somberly: "Do you resent them?"
That gave me pause and made me aware of the stream of emotions that I'd let myself get swept away by.
"I- Of course not. I love them. Besides, I know they're doing important work to save the world from aliens and everything… I know that I'm not more important than the entire world, but still…"
"Sometimes, the ones we love are precisely the ones that we're the most likely to resent, because we are willing to endure deprivation for their sake and because we forgive them slights that we would never tolerate in others."
How very wise…
I am such a little boy compared to him…
I must have pouted just like one, too
"Are you lonely?"
Kaworu was very much asking this in an empathetic manner, but the truth that this confronted me with was very much the straw that broke the camel's back.
"Well, of course!" I shouted then. Moments later, my cheeks were coloring fiercely from my embarrassment over this outburst. "...I must be sounding like a spoiled brat…"
This was not what Kaworu had aimed for: "No, not at all- I didn't wish to make you feel judged or inadequate. I was just… curious, I think. Maybe it was inappropriate of me to keep prodding you."
"...what do you mean 'curious'?"
He paused gravely, as if considering his next words, wrestling with some other thought or obligation in his heart until one side of that conflict won, at last, pressing some drawn words past his lips: "...You know. About families, and what they might be like."
"You're an orphan?!"
I mean. I should have figured if he was living with the chairman and had no grownup guardian to accompany him to Japan… I'd just assumed that Chairman Keel was a relative of his, perhaps a maternal uncle or grandfather to account for their different surnames…
I thought I'd done a tactless thing, blurting this out as I did, but Kaworu just kept his usual, relaxed smile, acting perfectly casual: "Nah, nothing of the sort. I never had parents to begin with."
I'd heard something like this once before – from Rei. But if he was saying that he's not an orphan, then….
"...what do you mean?"
"Exactly what I said. They didn't die, they never existed, to begin with."
...Never existed? But how could that be? I highly doubt the stork brought him, or that he grew in a cabbage patch.
I felt like he was hinting at something that I was very much not getting, obvious as though it might be to him
"I didn't get the opportunity to ask many others about it either, since I didn't get very many chances to meet other youths our age until I joined your class this fall."
"What about your previous school?"
"There's no such thing. I was given the necessary education for people my age, but this is the first time I've ever attended school. And of course, the same goes for Ayanami as well – maybe this is why we both seem 'inexperienced' to you."
...remember when I mentioned that it sometimes feels like Rei just appeared out of nowhere the moment she transferred to our school? It was just a nonsensical thought then, chiefly a description of an emotional reality. It wasn't literally possible, right?
"Why wouldn't they make you go to school?" I questioned, "Was it because of health reasons? Or for your protection, since you were the first pilot candidates?"
Kaworu shook his head – I think he was still acting like I was the one who needed to be comforted or reassured here: "Nothing like that, don't worry. They just didn't think it was necessary. At first, we were always kept 'inside', so that our existence would not be known to many outside the organization."
"Because you were pilot candidates? Then, Mari and Asuka, too?"
"To an extent, yes, but their cases are a little different – they were selected later, by different processes. Their parents are people from the organization, and they were able to attend school in their home countries. But I'm sure Asuka would already have told you that she spent much time at the GEHIRN base in Germany?"
Indeed she had. That whole thing about spending much of her childhood in gyms and simulators.
"But then what about you and Rei? Why wouldn't they let you go to school?"
"Again, it wasn't considered necessary."
That sounds a lot like what Rei tends to say all the time – about how 'there is no need' for this or that as if normal things that kids in this country typically have been obscene luxuries.
But if Rei doesn't care to have any wallpaper or trusts security to guard her house, that's one thing – we're talking about school here.
In my life thus far, just about every adult I had known (with the possible exception of my father) had done their darndest to assure me that there was nothing more 'necessary' than school.
Clearly, Rei and Kaworu weren't falling behind on their academic performance, but what about trying to impress your classmates? Experimenting with your clothes? Making friends? Having crushes? All the fun parts of childhood and youth that our elders wistfully looked back on?
"Isn't school kind of important?"
I probably could have articulated this better – this was a best just a tentative, thoughtless regurgitation of the cultural messages I'd absorbed over the years.
Yet Kaworu did not begrudge me. His thoughts were elsewhere, calculating, considering.
Finally, he said: "Usually, this would be the case, but with myself and Ayanami, the priorities would have been somewhat different, considering that we were created for the sole purpose of facilitating the project."
Aaand… penny drops.
I think I almost fell off the bench. I distinctly recall scrambling to support my weight with my arms. "What do you mean created?!"
Kaworu was acting way too casual about this. Like it wasn't even a big deal. I suppose to him, it wasn't. He would have known about this his whole life.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have been so surprised. Everyone knew about Dolly the Sheep, and as the child of two eminent biologists, I had even heard about that time they'd made a fully viable mouse embryo by squirting stem cells into a scaffold laced with signal molecules, without even the union of egg and sperm. They had even assembled virus DNA from basic chemicals and had that act like a normal virus. Besides the RNA, other parts of cell-like membranes had also been recreated in a lab, from dead matter no less. If my mother could grow a 'person' so gigantic that it would have collapsed under its own weight if it weren't infused with the genes of an alien god, I really shouldn't be surprised that they were capable of making two regular-sized people.
"Pardon me, I didn't wish to alarm you – I thought you'd figured it out already. I'm fairly certain that at least Asuka has her suspicions already. No one outside a select few is supposed to know, but I imagine it's something of an open secret – We have no parents, our personnel files are blank, we don't act or appear exactly as typical adolescents…"
I mean, I had seen that. Maybe I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to be judgmental, I mean what did I know? It could have been any number of infinitely more likely, ordinary things.
I certainly didn't agree with Asuka's harshness towards them, no matter the reason…
Kaworu, however, didn't berate me for missing the obvious:
"I suppose this only shows my thinking as an 'insider'. I should have considered that this conclusion wouldn't necessarily occur to someone who isn't as familiar with GEHIRN."
Well of course not!
This sounds like something a crazy science fiction doctor would do!
"It's a fairly common procedure that has been refined for many years to the point where it's relatively safe and reliable.. You take one or more genes from an organism of interest, which confer some useful traits and transfer it into another. This is how you can get a cat that glows like a jellyfish or a goat that produces spider silk in its milk.
In our case, what they wanted was a person who could operate an Evangelion. You know that the EVAs are built to resemble humans in part so that human beings can control them. But they're not exactly like humans – the whole point in building them is that they have abilities and characteristics which humans don't have. In the early stages of the project, it was believed that it would be absolutely impossible for a normal person to operate an Evangelion. For most people, it is. But still, they needed pilots – it was a matter of life and death.
So, if they themselves couldn't control EVA, they set out to create something that could. If they hadn't, all the world may be destroyed, with all their work and all their offspring – so can you blame them? I do not.
Like the EVAs themselves, Ayanami and I were both artificially created and designed to combine the traits of both angels and Lillim, that is, ordinary people like your parents and your classmates – You might say that we are homunculi or biological androids. The cells that make up our bodies were created in a laboratory – consequently, we are without parents.
That is why I wanted to meet her so badly when I first came to this town – she is the same as me."
I just sat there, stunned into silence.
I didn't know what to do with this information – part of me was still expecting to wake up from a dream, pulling together possible reasons why this couldn't actually be true, while another was afflicted by a horrifying curiosity, longing to have it explained in even more terrible detail…. But I couldn't ask him that. Would Kaworu even know? It's not like I know every last technical detail about how my parents made me.
The best I could do was to nod in acknowledgment…
Of course, I was very young. I didn't necessarily grasp the implications.
If you'd told all this to, say, Misato, the questions pouring through the wrinkles of her brain would have been very different, like – did this mean that GEHIRN owned those two? Did they ever have the chance to refuse, and if they had, what would have happened to them?
And, if they could just make pilots, why bother to recruit a bunch of ordinary middle schoolers?
That, at least, was promptly answered, since Kaworu felt the need to explain how he and Rei had come to be the only ones.
"You see, despite the hopes kindled by those early successes, the project soon stalled out. When a human brain is formed – or something close enough to it – it receives its soul from the primeval chamber of Gaf according to a mechanism set in stone by our creators since time immemorial, and so it is with the angels. But beings between human and angel? What you might consider 'nephelim'? Such a thing was never part of the divine plan."
Wait, what? You've lost me there with all the mystical talk, Kaworu-kun. Please do remember that I am much, much dumber than you. Or at least I'm not what you would call an 'insider'.
Actually, I don't want him to be reminded of my dumbness, so I did not ask follow-up questions.
I was waiting for his explanation to meander back into the realm of the comprehensible.
"After the creation of the Magi, the researchers had been hopeful that they would soon attain the Holy Grain of creating true artificial souls, but that didn't work out, so they were forced to resort to other means. Ayanami and I were given life by use of a rare and limited resource, which couldn't be repeated. Thus, we remain the only ones in all the world.
But to rest something of such importance on the backs of only two individuals hardly seemed acceptable – Thus, the researchers concluded that they would need to find a way to make use of ordinary human children, or something much more like it. It was Ms. Soryu who led this effort – resulting in both the original recruitment drive that led to Asuka's selection – The so-called Shikinami project – and the second program, the Pilot Raising project, which you and your classmates are now part of."
"...then what about Mari?"
Officially, she had only joined us now, but if everyone else I'd met at my parent's workplace had been a candidate…
"She's a bit of an anomaly. The process by which she was originally selected as a candidate probably most resembled Asuka's, but it was still rather different – The scientists all had their own ideas about how to find viable pilots. Your father was the mastermind behind Ayanami's creation, I myself was brought into the world by a group working directly under the Chairman's control – You might already have wondered why Makinami the elder is not working here along with the rest of your parents. That is because she had her eventual differences with Professor Fuyutsuki's group, and eventually broke away from them. As you remember, Mari showed up on the organization's doorstep all on her own accord. But despite all, she was still a candidate, and a promising one at that, so they had no choice but to accept her into the project."
I could hardly forget how she had just brazenly strutted up to Ritsuko-san and demanded to be tested…
In my mind, I went over all the aspects and behaviors that had confounded me about my comrades and found that they all made a whole lot more sense when matched with Kaworu's story. Just as I'd never understood why Asuka seemed so obsessed with piloting until she told me just how much time she'd spent preparing for this chance, I found now that a lot of Rei's more puzzling statements were starting to make perfect sense right now.
All that stuff about how she was 'born to do it', or how she could 'only live in here'.
I had no idea, not really… but for all that Rei had stoically carried her burdens without complaints, they had still been many times more apparent than the same weight had been on a joyous person such as Kaworu. In a sense, he kind of has the opposite problem as me: He's one of those people who, when they feel hopeless, will tend to concentrate all their energy on making others happy before they would ever consider asking for help…
And who would he even ask? Certainly not Chairman Keel. Me? Haha. Hilarious. I can't even help myself.
Throughout some of the worst of what followed, I at least had Kaworu.
I cannot claim, in good conscience, that Kaworu had me.
Indeed, in the end, I think it might have been better for him if he had never met me.
Of course, he wouldn't agree to this; That just makes it all worse…
Here I was giving him an earful about whether To Pilot Or Not To Pilot like some washed-up second-rate Hamlet, ignorant of how he had never been given this choice.
Kaworu-kun was an amazingly patient person.
"So, does that mean that you and Rei can't ever quit?"
"...well, we are beings with free will. There are always other options, so long as you are willing to accept the consequences. But sometimes, any option you have comes with a steep price tag. As it stands, we wouldn't have much to gain, if we did leave."
...what was it Rei said? 'To stop piloting would be the same as dying'?
And here I was, going on about how much I'd love to pack up and leave and dump it all on them, mindless of the consequences that this would have.
You know that thing Nietzsche said, about how he'd laugh about people who think themselves good because they do not have claws? How the lack of the power or opportunity to do evil does not goodness make?
I was rapidly finding that out.
I guess my 'power to do evil' skyrocketed the moment I got the highest score ever on the pilot test. I could still choose to leave, dumping it all in the laps of Kaworu and Rei.
That was a responsibility I did not want, so I dumped it fast at the nearest convenient recipient like it was a hot potato. I think for the instant that I realized it, it was too heavy to even contemplate. I was lucky enough, privileged enough, that I could afford to seal my eyes and ears.
I'm sure you could fit this into many popular memes, if you still have those in the future.
"...How can the people at GEHIRN do this? Father, Mother, Chairman Keel and the others…
I can't believe that they would put all of this on you two. It's just not fair! What about your lives, or what you want?"
I should have stuck to speaking for myself.
"I just don't get how you and Rei can be so calm about this! Aren't you scared?! Aren't you afraid that you'll get hurt fighting the monsters?"
I didn't realize then, how callous of me that was, so say 'monsters'.
"I never thought of it like that."
"How not?! How could you not be afraid when you can't run away?! Don't try and tell me that it's not necessary?!"
He couldn't face me head-on, for some sort of reason, but in profile, he seemed to wear a bittersweet smile.
I doubt that I'd said anything especially moving… I was just… being emotional at him, when he was the one with the problem. "How can you not be afraid?!"
"Maybe that is… because I've chosen this myself."
"But you just said that you had no choice!"
"Yes. My options are few, and few of them are good. All carry a price. But I still have free will. I can still choose which price to pay. I can still choose how to approach this hardship, the meaning that I give it – that is the one freedom that nobody can take from you, not even in the direst of straits.
The people who sent me here have their own reasons, as do the ones at GEHIRN who chose to receive me, but I too have chosen to play along with their games for goals and reasons of their own. Right now, I am staying in this city out of my own free will. I'm exactly where I want to be, and I would be nowhere else instead.
And of course, you have the same freedom, even if it may not feel it right now. What you must be feeling right now is uncertainty. You're in a new situation that you've never known before, so you're unsure of yourself. But your self isn't 'fixed'. It always changes with the floor of time, whether you direct that flow or not, even if you do nothing. In time, you can find yourself doing things that you'd never thought possible before, and it will feel natural. Your idea of what you are, your purpose and your mission, can change at any time. And even if you cannot shape your circumstances, you have at least the power to be one of the many things that shape you. You can become, at least a little bit, that which you will yourself to become. It is in fact the very act of choosing that may define your essence.
So please, don't get too fixed in your ideas of what you can or what you can't imagine yourself doing."
Hearing this from one whose lot was clearly heavier than my own, I felt a surge of validation, and at the same time, great burning shape for how much less I had accomplished with my cushier and easier life.
"I still mean what I told you before you joined us – I'd want this chalice to pass you by if it is at all possible. It's just that you might find it difficult to escape this fate once you have become tangled up in it. If your free will leads you away from us, if you feel that leaving is what you must do, that's your prerogative, and I will not prevent you. You must do what you must do, just as I must do what's in my nature.
That said, I would be very glad if you chose to fight alongside us."
He delivered his whole speech all put-together and mature, but for that last line? His wine-red eyes glittered with untold sincerity.
He brought me to his room, in the end.
It was an efficient square block of space, with as much room to move beside the bed as the bed itself was wide. The walls were taken up by all the other things one could need, like bookshelves and cupboards and a tiny desk next to the bed with a sleek LCD screen. I presume that keyboard, tower, and mouse must be tucked into the table somehow. On the wall was a calendar for next year, with an internal diagram of a piano up top, and many dates circled up in red in advance.
December Thirtieth must have been among them.
One presumes that he used the facilities throughout headquarters if he ever wished to eat or bathe or use the bathroom. There was quite a bunch of books on a grand variety of topics.
He soon arranged one of his spare sheets on the floor.
His spare pajamas pathetically hung off my stubby little boy limbs. I could have hidden all of my hands within the sleeves.
He didn't have all that much, but he did have a futon tucked into his cupboards as if he had prepared for this occasion. He seemed surprised when I sat down to arrange myself between the sheets and pillow that he had put down.
"I should sleep on the floor-" but fortunately he didn't insist.
It was right like this. This is where I should be. I was already far beneath him in every conceivable way.
I lay there, awkwardly existing, while he calmly rested his head on his folded arms, his legs crossed, the very picture of effortlessness.
Not only was he so much better than I at everything, he did it through his life must have been so much harder, making the best of everything, while I could hardly handle my boring ordinary problems.
It almost made me want to hide my face from him, but I didn't want to leave this place of warmth, a stray dog looking to lap up the table-scraps from the peace and joy of his existence.
How does that famous poem go?
Who, if I screamed, would take pity on me among the orders of the angels?
And even assuming that one of them suddenly had mercy upon me, I would fade away from his stronger existence. For beauty is only the beginning of terror, which we can just barely stand, and so we admire it because it calmly refuses to destroy us. Every single angel is terrible.
Every single angel is terrible.
For though he had opened his heart to me today, as he very much wanted, he omitted some things – things that he could not get away with disclosing. Things that would have changed everything.
He smiled down upon me like the picture of bliss and benevolence.
"Shinji-kun. What is it that you want to ask me?"
Did I want to ask him something?
Oh yes, I did, so very, very much. So much I hadn't known it.
I was reluctant in my shame, but he encouraged me to go on.
"It's okay. You can tell me. I'm curious to hear your question."
"...alright then… Kaworu-kun. Why did you become an EVA pilot? I mean, I know why, you told me that you were born for it and everything, but, why don't you just run away? You said that you came here for your own reason, so, I was wondering why that is… Why do you put up with all these embarrassing, difficult things? Why do you stay even though you put yourself in danger?"
He could not answer this.
But I think he wished to tell me as much as he could, in such ways as were available to him.
Choosing which of the heavy prices to pay and which of the meager boons to attain, just as he had said.
"Right now, I think, the reason why I'm doing it is that I want to stay here. With you, and Ayanami, and everyone else. I like it here. I like this world, as it is right now. I like it, despite everything, because it has granted me life, and allowed me to experience things. I like the people, the music, all of the fascinating interplay of human nature… I wish to stay here just a little longer. I want to be able to laugh with you all, together in this world."
I like that reason.
I could relate to it, understand it. I wanted to stay with everyone, too, be closer to them even though the hardship.
I wish it could be my reason. But I'm not so noble, not so altruistic, not enough of an idealist that I could die for an idea. I couldn't live off just air and love, I couldn't bleed just for truth and justice. I very much wish that I could… I certainly didn't want any bad things happening to my friends… but if I claimed that, I would just be deceiving myself.
Kaworu must have sensed my uncertainty, however, for he addressed me firmly and decidedly: "Shinji-kun. Everyone that lives, everyone that struggles carries some kind of doubt, fear, or uncertainty within them. Everyone. Rei. Asuka. Even me.
But if you live all your life according to that fear, it will only crush what little resolve you have built up. It takes a strong will to control the EVA – if you're going to be a pilot, you mustn't let go of its reins.
The fear of pain or the fear of getting hurt are not the worst fears that one can face. There are worse things, worse fates even. Like losing yourself – losing your significance, or, all that which is dear to you. You'll have to choose which fates you want to avoid the most of all."
Yeah. Maybe you're starting to understand I really, really like Kaworu.
Some of you might be wondered why I wasn't more critical about that whole 'artificial humans' thing but Kaworu was right: It really had been obvious for a while, I had just consciously admitted what I had kind of already known.
Besides, I had been given the ultimate Carte Blanche justification – how convenient it must be, for my parents and the others, that they can justify everything they do by pointing to the imminent end of the world. If you'd heard that someone had gone and created life on a whim, you'd certainly be suspicious about the ethics, but with a possible apocalypse around the corner? The Godzilla threshold had been crossed long ago.
Kaworu was evidently given a rather large allowance by Chairman Keel, and I still thought – still wanted to believe – that my parents were treating Rei as well as they could, so far as the safety of this pesky world would allow them. Maybe I was just naive.
Or maybe my attention was just slipping, very far from its peak after the struggles of this very taxing week.
But you know, as much as I hated it back then, there would come a day when I ended up being rather glad for it. That is, I think I eventually got the lessons that Misato and Kaji were trying to teach us.
Just a week ago, I don't think we were truly more than a collection of five lone warriors. We might as well have been living in different worlds altogether… and the worst is that I had no idea, though I had been calling myself their friend.
Now, I think that I had least come to understand each of them a little better, and myself in turn.
It helped me realize something:
As contrasting as the five of us might seem on the surface, as disparate as our attitudes might be, as much as our circumstances might diverge, I think deep down, there was a way in which we were really not so different. I think we all saw our role as pilots as a means to attain our own place in this world, something we might otherwise not have.
I think we were all just looking to prove that we were allowed to be here.
With this chapter, you have made it through full extent of any jealousy/triang stuff in this entire fic; It can be fun but it's overdone sometimes & I'm not rly interested in doing that for this particular project, though the lust aspect is such a pronounced part of the Asuka dynamic that any intellectually honest interpretative work would at least need to address it briefly.
So if it seems like Mari/Kaworu/Asuka/Mana etc are appearing a lot (like some ppl have commented) that's just 'cause friendship is important too, they're still important characters & this is still mainly a plot fic, but they're all 100% going the friendship route in this one.
I just can't stand that thing where everyone but [author's favorite love interest] is completely sidelined, minimized or even bashed so I wanted to emphatically not do that.
That said, we're scheduled to reach the romantic bits pretty soon… I have both an idea list and a pile of cute fan arts for inspo.
But before that, stay tuned for the last bit of 2.3, in which a long-standing evil is remedied and Asuka finally gets her long overdue birthday party.
Which motive rant might still be missing, you wonder, if we've already done all the pilots? Hint: She had an EoTV Segment and a Character Promotion Reel….
BTW, did you ever realize that, since EoE takes place on new year's, Christmas falls pretty neatly in the week that Asuka was starving herself in the ruins, and her birthday must have been somewhere right before ep 22? As a programmer I'm obliged to think that math usually makes our lives better, but not in this case :(
