A/N: The ladies of the BW crew are the best! But I do tinker after they read/edit. So any remaining mistakes are all mine.


Chapter 9. The Rules

EPOV

Rule number one. Don't get involved. With anyone. Or anything. It's the only way I can manage keeping a chill facade. Because that shit is only on the surface, and the moment someone starts digging, it will all spill out.

Rule number two. Don't get too close. So I can actually comply with rule number one. Because I crave it. I crave company. I don't want to be a fucking hermit. I don't want to be in isolation. But being by myself is the only way I can stand being myself. So I don't bring anyone else down with me.

Rule number three. Don't surf with anyone. This one should really be just "don't surf." It's too triggering but I can't quit it. The few times I've tried to stay away from the water, my anxiety skyrocketed to the point I couldn't breathe until I was in it. How's that for irony? Rule number three means weird hours and unpopular surfing spots, but at least I can be in the water, and when I'm by myself in there, it's manageable. Maybe one day I'll get my wish and the ocean will take me too.

Rule number four. Nobody comes in my van. That's my safe haven, where I break down. And I break down hard and often. It's the only place where I can be myself. Where I don't have to pretend. Where no one can see me.

Every once in a while, my rules become too much; it becomes too hard to follow them. When that happens, I escape. I force my mind into oblivion with drugs and alcohol and spend a few days on the Pacific coast, at the beach where my past feels like my present. It's there I remind myself why I'm here, why I can't leave, and why I need my rules to survive.

But my rules, my rules have gone to shit now.

The image of Bella haunts me—and not just the girl with the white dress and haze-inducing eyes that I left moments ago at her cabin, but the other one, the one I've concocted in my head. It's like a dream version of her, a hologram. Or maybe my last self-induced blackout came with hallucinations.

When I close my eyes, all I see is her. Her mirage is all over my fucking space. She's at my bar. In my van. In my bed. She won't leave my fucking head. I've even imagined her scent on my sheets.

I must have really lost it now.

Real or fabricated, Bella is in my every thought, and I can't walk away from her. I don't think I can follow my rules anymore—not with her. After so long trying so hard to stay away from everyone, to not make personal connections, Bella just took me by surprise. I touched her. I gave her my fucking hoodie. I want to get to know her.

She must think I am mentally unstable. Hot and cold. Can't make up my fucking mind. Don't know what to do with myself when I'm around her.

I would have happily stayed with her until sunrise, until my lids became too heavy to keep up. And it seemed she wanted me there too. But I knew I needed to go.

I don't trust myself enough to not break any more rules when I'm around her.

Even though I'm a little buzzed and the tequila shot I had earlier is still burning in my stomach, I feel on edge. Every step I take away from Bella crushes my chest. So as I walk through the dark beach, I light up what's left of the joint I started earlier when I was with her, hoping it will calm me enough to get some rest tonight.

I'm feeling calmer as I climb the last few rocks, but the feeling leaves quickly once I see my sister sitting on the fucking steps of my fucking van.

She smiles humorlessly when she sees me. "Found ya," she says, with a wink. My safe haven exposed. No longer a secret.

I have to swallow my own spit in gulps. The tequila and beers threaten to come back up. I can't fucking do this. Not right now. Not when I'm conscious enough to remember this tomorrow.

"Alice, I can't do this. Please." I'm not above begging. Not when it comes to this.

"I'm sorry about last night," she starts, getting up from the steps. "It's a difficult date to stomach, Edward—for all of us."

"It's okay," I tell her, while I have no fucking clue what she said last night as I luckily, and purposefully, don't remember any of it.

"It's not okay. Sometimes I just feel like…" She takes one step closer and I take one back, suddenly aware of the rocks and the cliff behind me. I have nowhere to run. No way to escape her. "Like you just don't care, and it breaks my heart."

I rub my eyes then rake my hair, just giving my hands something to do.

I care so much.

I care so fucking much I can't deal with it. But I don't tell her any of it.

When she puts her hands on my arms, I freeze. My eyes knit tightly and I hold my breath. My throat closes painfully and it feels like my heart stops.

"Edward." She sniffles, hugging herself to me. "Come home. Please. We leave tomorrow morning. Dad got you a ticket." She sobs into my chest, and my arms shake with the effort of not hugging her back. "Mom is a mess." Her voice breaks and my eyes sting with the tears I no longer have. "We miss you so much. We need you. He is not coming back, but you can. Please."

I remain still except for the slight tremble of my balled fists at my sides. She buries her face in my chest and her tears seep onto my shirt while I wait for her to calm down. When she releases me, I finally breathe out in relief.

"I can't." My closed-off throat that feels like it's in flames. "I can't go back."

"How long do you plan to hide out here?" She doesn't even sound angry, just sad. "It's been five years, Edward."

When I open my eyes, she has an envelope in one hand while the other wipes the tears from under her eyes. "Your ticket," she says, leaving it on the steps of my van, then turns to me with a sad shrug. "Just think about it, please?"

And just like that she leaves, almost running, to the car I now see parked behind my van. My sister's boyfriend, Jasper, in the driver's seat, waves a fucking sad hand at me, and then they back up and drive away, leaving me to pick up my pieces from the ground.

~~o~~