Each Moment Lost to the Past

Chapter 14

Bella's POV

We don't have nearly enough time before the first bell to get into my short stay at the hospital, so it's during lunch, in my usual library corner, that I find myself awkwardly facing my girlfriend.

"Did your dad tell you?" I ask, drawing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

"No," she says, hesitating. "More of… after you were mentioned, I… peeked at his files? Well, Edward did, and then he told me."

Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Ignoring how that's a huge invasion of privacy, and ignoring why Edward of all people would go through my files (then again he seems the most leery of me aside from Rosalie)…

"What… what all did you learn?" I pick at my sleeves, doing everything to avoid her eyes even as she scoots closer and places both her hands on my knees.

"That you…" she swallows, voice deeper and in her most serious that I rarely hear. "That you have a brain tumor. And… and why didn't you tell me that the accident you were in last summer caused you to lose your memories?"

Damn. I exhale sharply.

"I don't know," I shrug uncomfortably. "Didn't think it mattered, I guess. You never knew the Bella before, so it's not like you lost her like Rene did, or Charlie, or Billy and Jake. You know me so… there wasn't really a point. And… I guess I didn't want to take the chance that you'd look at me differently."

"I can understand that," she whispers, squeezing my knees. Alice has the worst circulation in the world so, even through my jeans I can feel her chill seeping through. I've learned that I can warm her, though. I release my legs, engulfing her hands in mine, sharing my warmth with her. "I…I don't have any memories before the Cullens," she says slowly.

"I," I finally blink up at the girl, on her knees in front of me and eyes so dark they are almost a normal color, almost brown, but they are still so eerie. I still remember the first time I ever saw those eyes- in my dreams. "What?" I ask.

"One day I woke up, alone, without any memory of my life. I found the Cullens shortly after and I've been with them ever since," she says staring at me intently, burning into me, holding me helplessly in place.

"I…" I search for something to say. It's almost too bizarre that we share this one experience. How likely is it for the two of us, who experienced total amnesia, to meet and become so close? "Did you ever find out who you were before? Why you lost your memories?"

"No," Alice frowns uneasily, and I know that it bothers her. Sometimes it bothers me. Mostly when I wonder how Before Bella delt with the dreams and what she might have learned from them.

"I think the reason I lost my memories has to do with the tumor," I admit lowly.

Alice tilts her head. "Why is that?"

The confession lingers on my tongue, weighing it down but also clogging my throat with a bitter taste. How would she react if I told her that I see everyone's past but my own? I have the most inexplicable feeling that she'd believe me. But, at the same time, I remember that dark room and the girl, and I can't get the words past my lips.

"Just a feeling," I finally sigh, turning my eyes down to break the connection.

Alice nods solemnly. "I get feelings too," she reminds me.

The silence stretches between us longer than it ever has before, even that first day of school when I all but tried to avoid her. Oh, how different, yet completely the same, my priorities are now.

"Alice," I murmur, tracing the curve of her thumb, now as warm as mine from how long I've held it. "Should we break up?"

A startled noise escapes her, and she almost crushes my hand before drawing away. I immediately miss even that little bit of contact.

"Why?" she asks.

I shrug. "That's what people do when their partner is terminally ill, right? Break up with them so that the other person doesn't watch them waste away?"

Alice snorts, returning her hands to me. "Actually, I believe that in the movies, they try, but the loyal love interest stays with them to the very end."

"This isn't a movie, Alice."

"No, but that's what you were basing your ridiculous suggestion from, right? A movie?" Her entire face, sometimes looked to be etched from stone, slackens into something so very soft as she looks at me. "It's going to be okay, Bella. I'm with you, always, okay? Our story doesn't end here. I know it." She tells me, emphasizing the 'know' enough to tell me that it's one of her feelings. Like when she had to go to that thrift store that we met in. For the most part, I genuinely believe that Alice can have a gift of just knowing something (it'd be kind of hypocritical of me to be so closed minded). But grief and shock of learning that someone you care about likely won't make it out of high school can do funny things to a person.

My fingers comb through Jacob's long hair, carefully arranging the locks for easy maneuverability. He doesn't play video games as I work like he usually does. He sits patently, chatting as I work. He's actually the one who started this braiding session, when my head was resting in his lap and he started fiddling with it.

Now my hair is in an intricate updo that has no business being in place while I wear sweatpants and an overly large lounging shirt.

"How about you make a bucket list or something?" he suggests eagerly.

"I don't know, Jake," I sigh doubtfully

"Seriously, a lot of people have them! What do you want to do before you 'kick the bucket'?"

"Everything I want to do isn't really up to me. And it's just not possible."

He fidgets nervously before quickly stopping when his hair tugs. "Like what?"

"Like graduate high school," I grunt irritably, but despite that, I'm careful to keep my grip gentle on his hair. He's only trying to help. "Graduate college. Get a job, marry Alice, be at your wedding one day, get Rosalie to like me one day, see Charlie fall in love again."

Jacob's shoulders slowly slump. "…I was thinking more along the lines of you not wanting to die a virgin."

Miraculously, my mood suddenly lightens as I snort. "That's not really up to me, either," I tell the boy, tying the band to hold his hair in place. "At least not solely up to me."

He turns when he feels his head free, shuffling until he's sitting cross legged across from me on the couch. "Well, what else would you want to do- things that we can do? Get drunk? Learn to ride a motorcycle?"

"Maybe," I allow. "But Charlie would never let us."

"So, we don't tell him," Jake shrugs as if it's that simple. I shake my head mournfully at the irresponsibility of the suggestion. It's times like these that I'm remined just how young my best friend is.

"That is so dangerous; what if something goes wrong?"

"Then we call someone on these fancy new cellphones our dads got us. That's why we have them right?" He flips his phone up in the air casually, as if it didn't cost nearly a hundred bucks, before catching it again.

I sigh heavily. Then again, that's the thing, isn't it? I'm not much older than him. Aren't I supposed to be irresponsible and take risks? That's the whole point of a bucket list, right?

"Okay, fine," I relent with a slight thrill of excitement. "But we are asking Charlie about the drinking one. I don't know if it's dangerous to do with my medication."

Jacob rolls his eyes but doesn't argue.

…..

Rosalie's attitude towards me changes dramatically. Before, when she wasn't ignoring me, she was scowling or glaring. Now, she stares. There isn't pity or sympathy or anything that I imagine a person normally expresses when they learn that you're dying. She just stares with a blank expression etched in marble.

Sometimes I get the impression of curiosity, but it's impossible to tell. Jasper is very similar in his interactions, and even hesitatingly approaches me more often whenever I'm at the house. I usually play at least one game of chess with him whenever I visit.

Every Cullen's interactions with me changes in some way, but despite that, the only one I get the feeling of pity around is Edward. He always has that sad mourning look whenever he talks to me (and he does approach me more as well), and he almost seems to talk down to me- treat me like I'm delicate.

I don't like being around Edward much. He seems like a great guy, but his sympathetic looks just make me uncomfortable.

While Edward gets more careful around me, and Esme (somehow) dotes and offers even more food to me, Emmett seems to get even more enthusiastic and excited about whatever time we get together.

Alice is the only one who doesn't seem to change her behavior. It's almost like she doesn't see that anything is wrong. She's definitely in some sort of denial. Not about my sickness (she's perfectly okay sitting down and going over symptoms to look out for and what to do if I have another seizure and she's around), but the fatality of what I have.

Whatever reasons for her earie calm, I appreciate it. The only time I can forget about the insanity of my dreams, brain tumors, dying, is when I'm with her. Especially when she kisses me. I forget about everything when she kisses me.

Only, she does this thing where, just when I start getting excited, she pulls back.

I take advantage of the new (unwanted) space by gulping air, but cling to Alice's hips to discourage any more ideas of distance. She doesn't try crawling out of my lap and, in fact, seems just as reluctant about the break.

One of her hands is still tangled in the hair at the back up my head and, when I peek up at her through lidded eyes, hers are still shut tight. She doesn't even seem to be breathing, which I realize after a moment.

"Alice?" I call softly in concern. Her eyes flicker open, a dark amber that seers my soul in its intensity. A bolt of excitement shoots straight to my abdomen. "Breathe," I say.

Alice takes a slow deep breath that looks deliberately exaggerated. Her eyes swirl a shade darker as I watch and, without thinking, I reach out to touch her temples in fascination of those strange, strange, eyes, so familiar after all this time.

"What would you do if I said that I've seen these before?" I murmur absently.

"I'd…" her eyes somehow sharpen further. "I'd say that that is surprising."

"Why is that?" I ask curiously, letting my hands drop from her face to lean backwards on my elbows. Alice's bed is unfairly soft.

She stares at me, unblinking, for several moments, and I watch as her eyes slowly lighten to their normal honey gold. "Carlisle would tell you that we have an extremely rare genetic disease that only affects a few thousand in the entire world. Our eye color is a side-effect of this disease."

"Disease?" I instantly sit up again, grasping onto her waist as my anxiety take a sudden steep spike. "What else does it affect?"

"Our diet is a bit strange," she says slowly. "Our circulation isn't normal. It's why I'm so cold."

"Is it life threatening?" I ask urgently. Oh god, is this how Charlie and Jacob and Billy and Rene felt when they were told that I'm dying?

"Bella, calm down," Alice says quickly, gripping my clutching hands. "Quite the contrary, people with this particular…disease… live rather long lives."

The pressure that suddenly appeared in my chest eases. "Does it cause you pain?"

"Sometimes," she shrugs, unconcerned. Her hand traces up my arm to cup my neck in a firm grasp. "That doesn't matter though."

"It matters if you're in pain," I insist. So maybe I didn't ever plan on telling her my ailments, but why has this never come up before? I knew that she was odd (her whole family was odd); I should have asked.

Her forehead leans down to press against mine (it's cold- I've always noticed how cold her skin is before I try warming it myself), and I blink up into her eyes which are quickly darkening again (is that another symptom?).

"You make me forget," she admits lowly, and wasn't I just thinking something very similar a few minutes ago (or, well, not thinking it)?

Or lips clash again, and all thoughts of diseases and death flee my mind under the assault of Alice's lips that burn me so cold. Much like her deft little fingers that smoothly work open the buttons on my shirt which I watched her hands carefully sew weeks ago.

About now is when she usually pulls back, but she doesn't this time. She pushes me down onto her bed, pressing into me with her whole body, and I can't think, can't think, can't feel anything but her. My head is foggy, cloudy, can't focus on anything except the way she feels, smells, tastes, the way she makes my body ache.

It's all just too much, too much, a complete sensory overload, and my anxiety washes over me in an unexpected flood of panic.

"Wait," I whimper when her mouth suddenly leaves mine to attach to my neck. Her hand splays out across my bare stomach and it's too much, too much, my head is throbbing. Gasping for breath, my brain suddenly processes the smell of burning rubber and my spine goes ridged. Something is wrong.

"Wait, wait, wait," I gasp, shoving Alice to just get her off- something is wrong- and she instantly rips herself away from me.

"Bella, what's wrong?" she asks from across the room (and I don't know how she got there) but when I sit up, it's too late. The world spirals to black.

I don't black out. I don't even lose awareness. I can still hear Alice in the room with me, trying to figure out what's wrong, and calling for Carlisle. But I don't answer her inquiries. I hold myself perfectly still because I'm not sure what's real anymore.

I can feel the unfairly soft bed beneath me, but I can also feel cold hard tile under my feet.

I can hear Carlisle asking how long I've been unresponsive, and I can hear Mary whimpering by the door in this dark room, begging to be let out. Everything is real, so real, and I don't know which stimulus input is real, so I just react to nothing. This can't be happening right now. Not in front of Alice! How am I supposed to explain this? I'm going to end up right where Mary is, in a psych ward, except for real.

Burning rubber scalds my nose, and this is one of those symptoms Alice and I looked up together. So, I wait for the daydream to end, bracing myself for the resulting seizure that is sure to follow.


A/N: I got impatient so here it is. Welp, more next week. And I believe you guys might enjoy the next chapter- special surprise and all that.

Please review!

~Silver~