Chapter 35 (Bella POV)
"Yes, Bella . . . maybe it's time I tell you about my past." Jasper told me with a pained look on his face. He'd mentioned before how hard his past was to talk about, so I was glad, though a bit surprised, that he was willing to share it with me now.
"About how . . . you were turned into a vampire?" I asked cautiously, worried that he might change his mind.
"Yes. As I told you on our way to Port Angeles, I was turned during the Civil War, but soon after that I found myself in a much more dangerous and brutal fight during The Southern Vampire Wars. That's how I ended up with all these battle scars. Other vampires, when they look at me and they see my scars, they're frightened at first. They see me as a threat because they know that for every bite they see, there's a vampire who didn't live to tell their side of the tale, but not all of my scars are from bites."
He lifted up the sleeve of his shirt just past his elbow to show me a scar that wrapped all the way around his arm at the bend. I couldn't help but reach out and skim my fingers along it, though I still almost had to squint to see it inside of the cabin.
"I've had limbs ripped off and reattached with venom dozens of times." He told me. My mouth fell open as I studied the scar. I couldn't imagine being afraid of them. Seeing them had always made me feel sad because they meant that someone had hurt him, even now - I found myself feeling concern over the marks that had been made so long ago.
"Did it . . . Hurt?"
"Big time." He must've sensed my worry before adding, "Don't worry, they don't anymore and it was a long time ago."
"So there were vampire . . . wars? What were they fighting for . . . food?" I asked after a moment. It was the only logical thing I could think of.
"Exactly. They were fought over territory, feeding territory. On the last night of my human life, I came across these three beautiful women on my ride back from Galvenston, TX. We'd been evacuating the women and children from the town. The three of them were all alone, I thought they might've needed my help so I stopped. I knew that there was something strange about them but I was tired and something about one of the women, Maria, drew me in. I knew she was dangerous, but I couldn't run, I didn't want to. Her and her sisters had just lost their territory and they were desperate to regain power. Maria had noticed my uniform and thought that my military expertise could be of use to her. Before I knew what was going on, she was latched onto my neck, drinking my blood and not a minute later I was writhing in pain in the middle of the desert."
"So she just . . . changed you against your will?" It sounded cruel and awful. It made me realize why Jasper had been so adamant that becoming a vampire had to be my decision. He didn't want me to resent him like Louis did Lestat, or like he did Maria.
"Bella, I don't know many vampires that did have a choice, you'll be the exception. Even Edward, Rose, Emmett, Esme . . . Carlisle turned them all in the midst of a life or death situation, they didn't have a choice, he made it for them. Some of them are more grateful than others."
"What do you mean?"
"Edward and Rosalie, they'd much rather have died when they were supposed to. Edward feels like a monster and thinks he'll be damned to hell for all eternity after this life. Rose hates feeling stuck in the endless dread of never moving forward, never having children or grandchildren. But Emmett, he likes being a vampire and Esme has always been so smitten with Carlisle that she never had any complaints."
"What about you? Do you . . . wish that you weren't like this?"
"No, Bella, I don't mind what I am. I immediately liked the extra senses, the strength, and the speed. The only time I grew to resent this life was during the last decade that I was with Maria up until I met Alice, when the guilt had become a crushing weight I couldn't escape. But Alice, she really saved me that day. I was finally able to live with myself again and now, so many years down the line, I've found you. You alone would have made this life worth it." He brought my hand to his ice cold lips and kissed it gently. It made me shiver, though his lips had also left my skin burning and tingling. I had to focus.
"So, what happened after Maria changed you?" I asked, trying to keep myself on track.
"We prepared for battle. We raised a newborn army of incredibly strong and ruthless bloodthirsty soldiers and I was the one who trained them, my gift provided a huge advantage in controlling them. Normally groups of newborns would just tear each other to shreds. They were hostile and thirsty, but I was able to calm them down and get them to work together. We started taking over more territory than any other coven in the South, but Maria never let the newborns live past their first year and it was my job to dispose of them. I had to feel all of their emotions and confusion. They didn't understand, they'd grown to trust me. After decades of this endless violence I'd saw every person that Maria held close to her turn on her. She was a manipulative, power-hungry, dictator and she'd manipulated me more than anyone. I knew I had to get out of there." His face was hard and thoughtful. I wanted to reach out and touch him, lean forward and hold him, but something about his expression told me to give him space.
"How'd you do it?" I asked.
"I'd become friends with one of the newborns, Peter, not something I was in the habit of, but we just clicked. Around his one year mark, Maria had ordered me to kill him and his mate Charlotte, but I just . . . couldn't do it. I liked them, they didn't deserve it and I was sick of the needless killing. While Maria was out I told him to run, to take Charlotte up North. I wanted to leave myself, but Maria kept a close eye on me. I knew she wasn't going to let me leave peacefully while I was still useful to her and I was afraid she'd come looking for me. Peter and Charlotte ended up coming back for me a few months later and I just . . . ran. I ran and I didn't look back. I knew that Maria had been plotting something against me after she'd found out that I let Peter and Charlotte escape. She could tell that I was growing to resent her and she wanted me dead, if I'd have stayed any longer there's a good chance I wouldn't be sitting here with you today." He sighed and it seemed like he was trying to relax, I did the same. His story had me all tensed up.
"Geez, I can't even imagine . . . I'm so glad they got you out of there." I closed my eyes and tried to fight off the uneasiness. The thought of that woman almost killing him, the possibility that he could have never made it to me, it made me feel nauseous. He must've sensed my emotions because he reached up and brushed a piece of hair behind my ear and I noticed that his face had softened. "So, whatever happened to Peter and Charlotte?" I asked after a moment.
"After we escaped from Maria, the three of us stayed together for a while as sort of a nomadic coven, we still stay in touch to this day, but I needed to be alone. Killing humans doesn't bother them. They don't have to feel the emotions that I do, it's easier for them to separate the two and I don't blame them or hold it against them it all. Honestly, I just felt like an outsider, the only vampire I knew who felt bad about feeding. I didn't want them to think less of me, of course I know now that they wouldn't have. After I went off on my own I tried to kill less and less, but I could only go so long before the thirst took over and I'd have to give in, then my depression would only sink deeper. By the time I met Alice I was at my lowest point. If I had to take one more life I was afraid I'd be tempted to find a way to take my own."
"But . . . it's . . . you can't help it." My mouth couldn't even form a sentence. Jasper's past was so heartbreaking. I couldn't blame him for not wanting to talk about it openly at first.
"I know Bella and like I told you before, Alice finding me and bringing me to the Cullen's wasn't a be all end all cure for my thirst. I've done things I'm not proud of since then, but things did get better once she found me. Being around others that felt the same way I did really opened my eyes, it made me feel like less of a freak."
"So while you were with Maria were you the one who changed the humans into newborns for your army?" I wanted to make sure we didn't forget to loop back to what originally started the conversation. I needed to know if Jasper would be strong enough to change me when the time came. I trusted him, but I knew he needed to trust himself before he'd commit to it.
"Maria did most of the changing, she had a higher success rate, but when we were especially desperate and we needed larger numbers quicker than usual, I'd step in and help bulk up the size of the army."
"Toss me out an estimate . . . What percent survived the change and what percent didn't?" I was a bit nervous to hear his answer. He was thoughtful for a short moment.
"I'd say it was about 70/30." He told me a bit anxiously. It was a little lower than I'd expected but it was still majority, that had to be worth something.
"Do you think you'll be able to . . . turn me?" I asked, trying not to get my hopes up.
"I would like to Bella. I think that it'll be different, you're my soul mate, and this is your destiny. Some other worldly superlunar thing is tying us together and I would hope that whatever it is would keep me from accidentally killing you. Though, we should probably have Carlisle supervise."
"That sounds fair." My stomach growled and Jasper gave me a concerned look.
"Do you want me to start dinner?" He asked.
"What about the movie?"
"We can finish it later, or you can just leave it playing." He told me. I thought about it for a moment before leaving it on and following him to the kitchen. The Hollywood vampires didn't hold my interest as much as the real thing, though it was interesting and I was glad I'd picked it. I'd have never imagined Tom Cruise playing a vampire, but it was decent.
I watched as Jasper started working his magic in the kitchen. He'd already neatly set out all the pans and dishes and washed all the produce before we started the movie. I couldn't help but let my mind wander. What was Maria was really like? What was their relationship like? She was strong, fierce, powerful, and probably just as perfect physically as every other vampire I'd met. I couldn't help but feel slightly insecure when I thought of them together, though I'd be stupid to think that he'd been some virgin saint for the last 142 years since being turned. It was a long time to be alone, I couldn't blame him . . . I just wanted to know if it went any deeper than that.
"Did you . . . love her? Maria?" I asked, trying to fight through my nerves.
"There was a time when I thought I did, I'd have done anything she'd asked, but no. I can say for certain, now that I have felt what true love feels like, that I never loved Maria. I was only a pawn her game, she'd never gotten over her true mate that had died decades before I came along and I was too lost in the heat of the battle for a long time to care that our relationship didn't dip below the surface." He let me feel his love and I couldn't help but smile, hoping that he was feeling mine too.
"I love you Jasper." I told him, it barely came out above a whisper.
"I love you too Bella. Okay, enough about all of that for now. What do you like on your burger? I tried to grab all the fixings. I have lettuce, tomato, onion, ketchup, mustard, mayo, American cheese, pickles and bacon."
"Uh, maybe I should have mentioned while we were shopping that I'm not the biggest fan of mustard, but everything else sounds great. I'll take the works." I watched as a huge smile spread across his face.
"Excellent." He gave me a mischievous look and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Why did you have the butcher grind that expensive cut of beef? I usually just buy the stuff that's already ground up and stuffed into a tube, tastes fine to me." I hated that he'd spent so much money on making me dinner.
"I learned everything I know from an old school guy named Jeff back in 1954. Trust me, you'll taste the difference. You want the right kind of fat content, that's where all the flavor comes from, that and the sear. You'll see, I'll show you." He told me confidently.
I watched him quickly cut the most perfect slices of tomato and onion that I'd ever seen. Then, as if I wasn't already impressed, he chopped a potato into the most uniformly shaped french fries that you could imagine. He heated a pot of oil for frying them and a cast iron skillet for the burger while the bacon went in the oven. Everything was moving so quickly that I suddenly felt a bit sorry that I wouldn't be able to cook for myself once I was a vampire, it seemed so effortless, yet I wouldn't have the need for real food. It would actually make me sick from what Jasper told me, how ironic.
"How are you able to do all this when you can't taste any of it?" I was insanely curious.
"When you're a vampire, everything is easier because you don't forget anything. Learning something new doesn't take as much practice. Once Jeff showed me what to do in that diner on my first day, I pretty much had it down. I could tell by the look and feel of things when they were done and I'd gotten it down to a science after a while." He said nonchalantly with a shrug.
"What about drawing, how did you get so good at that?"
"See, the thing is, I know you think I'm this 'perfect artist' but the truth is, everyone in my family or . . . pretty much any other vampire for that matter, could easily draw just as well as I can with a bit of practice, I just happen to enjoy it. Hell, Esme has an architectural degree and she can draw twice as good as I can, but she doesn't do it for fun. Alice likes to draw too, but mainly fashion designs. It's like a science, each line, each shape can be thought of as it's own little math problem. Music is the same way once you know the theory behind it. Edward and Rosalie are the musicians of the family, where as for me it's just not my thing. I can play pretty much any instrument known to man, but I don't get much enjoyment out of it." I fought the urge to roll my eyes, he really was amazing at everything. Though, here soon enough maybe I would be too . . . it just sounded so unrealistic - I'd have to see it to believe it.
"Hmm, I wonder what my hobby will be when I can be infinitely good at anything."
"It's hard to say." He said with a chuckle.
"I think for a while, I'll just enjoy walking without tripping." I told him.
"That'll be very new for you." He teased. I fought a smirk and rolled my eyes. "Okay time to get the burgers on. We'll do a double, they're thin smash burgers." I nodded enthusiastically and my stomach growled once again, I could have ate the whole cow by that point. I didn't tell Jasper that I'd just had a burger and fries from the diner in town last night, I mean I wasn't complaining. I figured I may as well live it up now, I wouldn't be human long enough to leave lasting damage on my arteries. Though I had to wonder, could vampires be overweight?
"Oh my gosh, that smells amazing." The smell of the beef searing in the cast iron skillet was heavenly. My mouth was watering by the time he set the picture perfect plate of food in front of me. The bun was buttery, the fresh thinly sliced veggies were stacked evenly - Lettuce, onion, tomato, pickles. The corners of the cheese folded flawlessly over the crispy edges of the two thin evenly sized burger patties and the fries were the ideal golden brown. He turned to grab the ketchup from the other side of the counter and slid it towards me so that it landed right next to my plate.
"Oh! One more thing." He went to the fridge and brought me back a can of Coca-Cola from the twelve pack that he'd bought, popping the top open before setting it in front of me. "Okay, tell me what you think, be honest. I can take it." He said grinning and crossing his arms, eyeing me eagerly. I felt a bit put on the spot, but I shook it off and picked up the burger to take a bite.
It was the most juicy, crispy, delicious thing I'd ever tasted. He brought me a paper towel just as a line of grease dripped down my chin. I covered my mouth and felt my face turn red, but it was too delicious for me to really care.
"Thank you, it's absolutely amazing - the best burger I've ever tasted. Those 1950's diner patrons didn't know how lucky they were."
"Oh trust me, I had regulars that only came in during my shifts, though none of them were as cute as you. I'm glad you're enjoying it." He said, giving me a wink. I could see the pride on his face. If it made him so happy, I'd gladly let him cook for me anytime. I was starting to care less and less about what it cost, because Jasper had been right, it was worth every penny.
"I can see why." I said, going for a french fry. It made the perfect crunch sound as I bit into it, but the inside was soft and fluffy. I was on cloud nine. "What else can you make?" I asked, my mouth a bit too full of food, Jasper laughed.
"Pretty much any greasy spoon diner food you can think of. Breakfast is pretty easy."
"Okay, breakfast next time." I shoved the last bite of burger into my mouth, staring at the last few french fries in front of me, determined not to waste a crumb.
"I'll have to order a waffle maker." He said seriously, pulling out his phone and sending a quick text.
"You're going to spoil me." I said shaking my head.
"You deserve to be spoiled." He took my plate after I'd forced the last french fry into my mouth and started doing the dishes, proving his point even further by not letting me lift a finger. I sighed and walked up to stand behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist.
"Thank you Jasper, for everything. Dinner, driving me to school, helping me get to sleep every night, loving me, offering me a life of immortality - all that good stuff." He laughed and turned off the sink. I unwrapped my arms from him to let him dry his hands. He turned to face me and pulled me back in close to him, looking into my eyes.
"Bella, thank you for existing. You've brought me to life again." He bent down and placed a kiss on my lips. The room began to spin and suddenly before I knew it, we were on the couch.
"Woah. Did you just -"
"Pick you up and run with you into the living room? Yes." He said with a smirk, going in for another kiss, this time with much more fervor. Jasper never ceased to take my breath away, but this time I was a bit afraid that I'd ate too much. It felt like I was going to burst. I pulled back a bit and he gave me a concerned look.
"What is it Bella?"
"I'm just so stuffed that I feel like I'm gonna pop, maybe we can revisit this . . . later tonight?"
"Understandable." He said with a chuckle before looking at his watch.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"It's almost 7:00pm. We still have some time, what do you want to do?" I thought about it for a moment and tried not to chew on my lip.
"Well . . . would it really be so bad if we just invited him out here?" I asked a bit hesitantly, looking towards the door.
"Emmett?" He asked, fighting a grin. I nodded. He rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. "Alright, I'll shoot him a text."
