This is my first songfic, so be nice please! If you really do want to flame, then by all means. I'd just rather you didn't. :)

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plottyness. JKR has Severus and Sirius, and the briefly mentioned other Marauders. Three Days Grace owns the awesome song 'Pain'.

I hope you like this. It was an idea that popped into my head and won't just go away...so I typed it up in order to be able to concentrate on my other fanfic. Anyhoo...


Pain, Without love

Pain, Can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Severus sat against a tree, deep in the forbidden forest. The other inhabitants from within the trees had long since learned to stay away from him. He'd come here so often, and more than usual as of late. For once, his sweltering cloak and shirt were off, balled up and thrown into a heap a few feet away, leaving a loose white cotton shirt on his normally pale flesh. The long sleeves were rolled up past his elbows. Farther down his arm were huge gashes, the result of a few hours' cutting. In his left hand he loosely held a sharp knife, the other arm he had rested across his leg. It was bleeding from the work of the knife; cuts that had been produced by a practiced hand.

Severus stared off into space, feeling more depressed than he ever had. Today he'd called Lily a mudblood. It hadn't been intentional, as he'd tried to explain later. It had just sort of slipped out, and now he regretted it infinitely. Lily refused to talk to him for the rest of the day, and that night, he'd finally cornered her and tried to apologize. She wouldn't listen to him. It was like being slapped in the face…it was painful. She no longer cared for him. She no longer loved him. On top of that, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter had picked up on his unhappy vibes and had decided to help by humiliating him further. The memory shone brightly in Severus' mind. He pulled himself out of his trance and examined his handiwork carefully.

Never had he contemplated suicide before, even when cutting. He'd always been cautious not to go too far, but tonight the physical pain was feeling so much better than the emotional feelings inside of him. A strange thought came into Severus' mind. He loved Lily. As a friend, and then some. She'd been the only one to talk to him, to understand. Now he had no one. No love, no friends, no family, no nothing. Grasping his knife firmly in his hand, he sliced the flesh on his wrist open again hard and fast, hissing in pain and relish as the blood started to flow out of the fresh wound. It felt good and he did it again, letting some of his emotional pain be swept away by the sweet, sickly smell of blood and by the equally sick and sweet pain. Severus wanted to feel that pain. Without Lily, he felt empty and numb. He was alone, and he needed to feel something.

You're sick of feeling numb

You're not the only one

I'll take you by the hand

And I'll show you a world you can understand

Sirius prowled through the undergrowth, looking for the others. He'd lost them earlier when Moony had taken off running and howling, with he, James, and Peter in hot pursuit. Peter and James easily matched Remus' gait, but as a big fuzzy dog, Sirius grew fatigued quicker than the others, and he wasn't as nimble as them either. James could prance around and leap high, being a stag, over objects, and Peter could scurry around or under them as a rat, leaving Sirius in between, having to scramble under or over the obstacles. One of the things that saddened him was that after a long while, the others wouldn't try find or contact him at all. Just as he was about to give up and turn back towards the school and call it a night, a scent caught his sensitive nose. He remembered it from the time Prongs broke one of his antlers off trying to fit between two close trees. Blood.

Sirius paused, cocking an ear, trying to hear something, and heard an odd sound. It was like muffled crying. Curiosity aroused, Sirius followed the sounds and smells carried on the wind. What he saw shocked him. A few yards away from him, sitting quite alone, was Severus. He was covered in blood, and was quietly sobbing, clear tears mingling with red blood. Sirius wondered if he had had any part in this cutting session of Severus', but his contemplation stopped as he looked at the fifth year before him.

It was a side of Severus that Padfoot had never seen before, nor did he even know he had. Severus struck Sirius as the silent and strong type, not an emotional wreck. Just then, Severus noticed Sirius, and although he didn't know it was Sirius, he did know that it was a big, black, dog. Severus hated dogs. The ones in his neighborhood all had attacked him at one point or another. His grip tightened on the knife and he threw a rock at Sirius to try and make him go away. "Get out of here, dog." He whispered hoarsely, another tear falling down his face. No, it's okay, Sirius thought, I'm not a mean dog. It's okay.

This life is filled with hurt

When happiness doesn't work

Trust me and take my hand

When the lights go out you'll understand

After thinking that, Sirius was glad he couldn't speak and that Severus couldn't read minds, for what he'd just thought wasn't really true. He'd always been horrible to Severus. Now he felt guilty for the role he'd played in Severus' depression and pain, and he felt obligated to help. Trying to remember what dogs did when they were friendly, Sirius smiled in that way that only dogs can smile, and wagged his tail from side to side. See? He thought, I'll be nice.

Severus watched Sirius warily. It could be waiting for him to die so it could eat him. Or maybe it just wanted to kill him itself. Either way was fine with Severus. He was sick of living. There was nothing for him. No one. The pain and hurt that he felt was too much. Severus looked away from the dog, and gazed through the trees at nothing in particular, just waiting for the dog to do something.

Come on, Sirius thought, trust me. It's okay…I want to help you. Sirius padded forwards a few steps, but he saw Severus' grip on the knife tighten even more. He quickly stepped backwards, making sure to be out of harm's reach. Severus turned his gaze to the dog and laughed bitterly. "It's okay, pooch. I'm not going to attack you." As he finished his sentence, he placed the knife on his skin, and cut one of the deepest gashes he'd ever made. Severus stared down at the blood pouring out of his furiously pumping veins. He acted completely calm, but in his eyes were his darkest secrets. In Severus' eyes, Sirius could see pain, sorrow, and anger, but the thing that stood out most was a trapped soul, screaming as loud as it could to try to escape from it's tormenting hell.

Suddenly, Severus noticed he felt really light-headed. Reaching up groggily, he touched his head and the world spun crazily. The same spinning world grew black around the edges. Severus heard the dog come nearer, and although he hated dogs, he instinctively reached out for it.

Sirius stretched out his muzzle and pressed his nose against Severus' palm, and then licked it. It seemed to partially reassure the half-conscious Severus, right before the dark haired, pale boy pitched forwards, giving Sirius just enough time to bound forward and slip underneath him to keep him from hitting the ground. Instead, Severus landed on soft, fluffy dog fur.

Pain, Without love

Pain, Can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

He could see Lily clearly, standing before him. "No, Sev. I can't forgive you for what you did. I won't forgive you. It might just be a stupid word to you, but it hurt me here." Lily placed her hand over her heart, and looked down at the floor, silent tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes, before she turned and disappeared through the portal into her common room.

He was so alone now, now that Lily had deserted him, right when he needed her the most. The words kept echoing in his head. She doesn't care…she doesn't love me…she doesn't care…

He saw himself sitting against a tree, softly crying and turning the emotional hurt into physical mutilation. He sliced hard and fast, with no mercy for his health, or for himself. To be able to cut, he had learned, you had to not fear pain. No, it was loss and hopelessness that he felt, overwhelming depression, and it was the fear of being alone forever that tormented his mind.

Pain, Without love

Pain, Can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Sirius stared at the boy lying next to him. So much pain, Sirius thought, How long has he kept it bottled up like this? The Severus he saw now was nothing like the one that yelled defiant insults back at him in the hall, or the one that brewed dangerous and dark potions. This Severus was just a little boy; hurt, alone, afraid, and he'd been betrayed by everyone he cared about. Sirius remembered gossip that he'd heard from others about Severus. That his mother had died early on, that his father hated him and drank too much. And now, he realized, Severus' best and only friend, Lily had left him too. Bloody hell, he'd mocked and laughed at Severus earlier today, when he was going through with that? Sirius hated himself. Even Slytherins wouldn't sink that low. But, a reasoning voice in his head said, it's not your fault Severus is doing this. He chose this. And you didn't know how unhappy Snape was…how could you? But still…he felt horrible for the part he'd played in Severus' inner turmoil and pain.

Anger and agony

Are better than misery

Trust me I've got a plan

When the lights go up you'll understand

Severus felt completely at peace, wherever he was, deep within his own mind, shielded from the torture he had wreaked upon himself. Contemplation was in order, and Severus decided that letting loose his anger was better than being miserable forever. Do it all at once in a huge game of chance, and never have to deal with the pain again. Though, that wasn't really true…was it?

Something penetrated his blissful peacefulness. That something was wet…Severus slowly opened his eyes to see the dog crouched next to him, licking his uninjured hand, and with its eyes latched onto Severus'. Sirius wagged his tail again and whined softly. Severus slowly sat up and tentatively reached out towards Sirius. The Animagus waited until Severus' hand was almost at his head, and then stretched out his head to press against his hand. Instantly, Severus flinched, but recovered quickly, reaching out again and patting the large black dog. He pulled away again, and pulled out his wand. Sirius again, immediately took a few steps backwards.

"No…It's okay…Don't go." Severus said quickly, sounding close to desperate. Sirius wagged his tail, and sat down on his haunches. Severus stared at the black dog, perplexed, and then cast some healing charms on his arms, enough to at least stop the bleeding.

"You know…for a bit I thought you were the Grin…or whatever Trelawney calls it." Severus muttered, half to himself. He was of course referring to the omen of death or doom, called the Grim. Sirius smirked mentally. The grin… He thought sarcastically, how classic. Severus was talking again, and Sirius snapped back into reality and paid attention to what he was saying.

"Say pooch, do you mind if I talked to you for a while? Maybe Dumbledore's right…maybe it's better to talk about your feelings and shit instead of using a knife." To Severus' amazement, the dog again looked at him in the eye and nodded three times. Severus stared at it. "You do mind?" Snuffles shook his head 'no' vigorously. No! I meant go ahead and talk! He thought. Severus nodded, "So you don't mind, yes?" Again, Sirius nodded his concurrence.

Pain, Without love

Pain, Can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Sirius listened with rapt attention as Severus started talking to him, completely unaware that the dog he was spilling his darkest secrets to was, in fact, one of his least favorite people. Still, Sirius sat by the Slytherin's side, well into the early hours of the morning, as Severus basically told the canine his life story, and how unhappy he felt about it all. The worst parts, Sirius was certain, was the venom and hate in which Severus described him, Sirius, and his best mates James, Remus, and Peter. But that was before Severus got to the topic of Lily.

Pain, Without love

Pain, Can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing

Rather feel pain

Never had Sirius seen Severus this emotional; he'd never really stopped and thought about the fact that Severus, cold little bastard that he was, was still human. The real shocker came when Severus started to cry again. It started slowly at first, but then grew into a torrent of pent up despair and sadness. Sirius was speechless. No one had ever cried this hard in the entire cosmos; of that Sirius was damn near certain.

(I know I know I know I know) I know that you're wounded

(You know you know you know) You know that I'm here to save you

(You know you know you know) You know I'm always here for you

(I know I know I know I know) That you'll thank me later

What the hell do you do in a situation like this? Sirius wondered, cocking his head and surveying the sobbing fifth year Slytherin in front of him. It's not like I can hug him…besides, he's my enemy. I shouldn't even BE here.

But you are. Said that annoying little voice in the back of Sirius' mind. He'd be damned if it got the best of him. Sirius slowly stood up and padded the short distance to Severus. Reaching out, he touched Severus on the forehead with a wet and cold doggie nose. Severus flinched away, yet again, and then looked up at Sirius with a red-eyed, tear streaked face. Sirius made an odd whining noise and sat down next to Severus.

This time, without hesitation, Severus threw his arms around Sirius and pulled the dog into a huge and tight hug, refusing to let go for a long while as he continued to sob. Sirius put up with it. He would do this one thing for Severus, and comfort him. At least, in the best way he could. Sirius gazed down at his enemy and classmate, and wagged his tail briefly.

Pain, Without love

Pain, Can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Severus eventually cried all of his tears out, and when he finally let go of Sirius, the fuzzy mongrel felt extremely lightheaded from the lack of oxygen. Sirius' tounge was lolling out of his mouth, and he barked once to Severus, looking back towards the castle. Severus wiped his cheek with a sleeve, and followed Sirius' gaze. "I need to head back…" He said, standing up. Sirius copied his action, and Severus spelled the blood off of him, and put his long and thick cloak back on. Retrieving his bag from a nearby bush, he gave Sirius one more big hug, which was completely uncharacteristic of him. "Thanks." Severus whispered into Sirius' ear. With that, Severus stood and headed back to the school, leaving a confused black dog behind.

Pain, Without love

Pain, Can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

After that day when Sirius found Severus having a mental and emotional field trip, he constantly checked the Marauder's Map every afternoon and night, to make sure that he wouldn't do something stupid again. Despite all the crap that had happened between them, Sirius felt more responsible for Severus. He had no clue why. Maybe it was something akin to what a big brother felt.

It wasn't until about a month after the 'map checking escapade' did Sirius notice a little dot labeled 'Severus Snape' leaving his dormitories after curfew. Quickly, Sirius requested permission to use James' invisibility cloak, which was given. Before James or the others even had a chance to ask why, Sirius had thrown the cloak on, grabbed the map from the table he'd had it spread out on, and had rushed out of the door.

-----

Severus walked slowly towards his usual spot in the Forbidden Forest, where he went to be alone. He felt depressed again. Not as bad as before, but it was enough to make him come out here, so it was bad to some degree. He figured his knife was still lying around there somewhere, since he forgot to take it back the last time. If it wasn't, he had his wand.

And then, there was the same black dog, sitting right in the middle of the faint track upon which Severus was walking. Smiling genuinely, for the first time in months, Severus greeted the dog, who responded with an enthusiastic bark.

Rather feel pain than nothing at all

Rather feel pain

Sirius might have won over Severus' trust while being an Animagus, but during the school day, Sirius and Severus hated each other as much as they used to, or at least Severus did. After having 'talked' or rather, listened, to Severus, Sirius couldn't bring himself to do some things. He didn't throw insults like he used to, and he didn't join in on the Marauder's pranks as often. Not enough for anyone but Severus to notice. Severus would tell Sirius later on about "Black's hormonal mood swings," and Sirius would feel even worse about the predicament.

It became an almost nightly thing. Sirius would check the map, and if he saw Severus leaving, would rush downstairs to meet him, but only showed his face when he was an Animagus. He knew it was important for Severus. And in a way, it helped Sirius deal with his own problems, even if they weren't nearly as dramatic and depressing as Severus'.

But still he couldn't bring himself to tell Severus who the black dog he talked to really was. It was better if he didn't know. But at the same time, it drove Sirius crazy, and hurt him, like a constant throbbing pain in his gut.

And Severus still felt unhappy a lot of the time, and only Sirius knew in infinite detail why he did, but Severus didn't know that. To him, that big fuzzy black dog waiting in the woods for him wasn't a Grim at all, but a companion, and a good friend. Severus regretted not being able to go everywhere with the dog, it was like a constant pressure on his chest, knowing the dog could be waiting for him, when in reality, the dog was really sitting a few desk lengths away from him.

But that is life.


A.N.: Maybe if people like this, I could continue it or something...I dunno. Your call!