A/N: So this is a completely stupid story which is a parody that I started writing for fun one day when I was reading a particularly cliche/annoying Jily fic. The whole fic is pretty much based my pet peeves when it comes to Marauder/Jily fics, but is also just random ridiculousness, so have fun i guess! Disclaimer: This shit aint mine yo.
Chapter 1: Like a Giraffe on Giraffe Tablets
Lily Anne Marie Doris Benson Helga Evans sighed heavily in distress as she was woken up abruptly by the sound of loud noises coming from downstairs. As she remembered that today was in fact the first of September, and therefore her first day of seventh year and being head girl, she got up off her bed excitedly and began to get dressed, looking in the mirror as she did so. She sighed in sadness, revulsion, and altogether suicide-nocity as she looked at her gorgeous red-as-she-sun-and-its-mate-saturn tresses that fell softly to her bum so she had to tuck the ends in her knickers, her beautiful emerald-and-blue-and-other-various-coloured eyes sparkling like two sparkley things, and her banging body with perfectly perky breasts and skinny legs. She decided that she hated life IN GENERAL FULL STOP.
"I am just so goshdarned ugly!" She thought to herself as she frolicked downstairs, making a personal memo to cut her wrists later on so much that she got blood all over her owl, Madonna. She had to be at the train station in an hour, so she had to get her perfectly taut rear into gear and get to finishing packing her trunk and disapparating to King's Cross. But first she needed a spot of breakfast.
As she finished descending the stairs, however, she could hear voices coming from the kitchen on the other side of the wall.
She heard her mother's voice exclaiming, "That Lily. What a doofus!"
"She is just so all-round crap." She heard her father answer with a good natured laugh and continuing, "I ought to punch her in the eye and throat simultaneously the second she enters this here kitchen!"
"You are as right as can be, father," Lily's horse-faced giraffe-necked leech-eyebrowed chicken-winged cow-bummed bird-kneed sister replied, laughing along with her parents. "She is such a freaky-deaky-neeky-deeked freak!"
Lily's eyes teared up, her throat closing up, and sobs wracked her small-waisted frame as she sunk to the floor, grasping the banister with her hand dramatically and reeling over while she tried to deal with the emotion-nocity of the situation she was facing. Of course, her parents and her sister had always been horrible to her, and were most of the reason Madonna was subjected to her wrist blood so often (other than the fact that she was saaaaaa ugly).
"And," her sister was continuing, oblivious to Lily's presence in the hall outside, "Guess what I did to the FREAKING FREAKY FREEEAAAKKKERR yesterday?" she asked her parents, amusement in her giraffey voice.
"What, Petunia? Please reveal it all!" Said her father excitedly.
Petunia was smug as she divulged, "I urinated in the FREAK's cup of FREAKY coffee at breakfast yesterday when the FREAK wasn't looking!" she laughed like a giraffe on giraffe tablets.
"HURRR HURRR HURRRRRRRR HARDYYY HARRRRRRRRR!" her parents laughed like ten laughing things at Petunia's gripping story, wiping tears of mirth from their eyes.
"Godric's left ballsack!" murmured Lily, horrified, thinking of how she had especially enjoyed yesterday's coffee.
"That is ITTING IT!" she thought to herself. She was a big gurl now! She didn't need no parents and/or sister! She got up from her place on the floor where she had dramatically sunk down onto, and ran up the stairs, deciding to grab her trunk and Madonna and BAIL like a WHALE! Going up into her bedroom and proceeding to do just this, she held her trunk in one hand and Madonna's cage in the other, and disapparated straight from her bedroom, landing outside King's Cross Station in London.
Lily arrived through the barrier of platform 9 ¾ and had only a second to look at the wondrous scarlet steam train before she head an ear-splitting shriek. "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YY!111111" yelled Lily's bestest best friend in the whole world as she spear tackled her from behind, sending Lily's trunk and Madonna in her cage flying. Madonna let out an indignant squawk that sounded suspiciously like, "Papa don't preach!" Lily sat up hazily, looking up at her two best friends; Mary McDonald, who was grinning madly and standing above her after getting up quickly from the tackle, and Marlene McKinnon who was smiling apologetically at Lily, a book in her hand. Those were the two girls' names because they are the two names we heard from J.K so they would OBVIOUSLY BOTH BE IN LILY'S HOUSE AND YEAR AND ALSO HER BEST FRIENDS OKAY.
Mary set off on an excited tirade once Lily had gotten up, retrieving her scattered things, and they had started across to the train.
"Errr mahh gerdd Lily how was your summer? Do anything fun? Catch up with anyone interesting? Excited about head girl? Go out drinking? Shag any blokes? I did. About four hundred and sixty-one. But that's okay because I'm a SEXUALLY LIBERATED AND FUN woman. How was your sister? Your parents? I went to France/Indonesia/Germany/Italy/Japan/Antarctica. Did you go on a holiday? What are you wearing? Your hair looks nice, I like what you did with the knickers-tucking-in. Get any new pets? Get a summer job? I see you have a bit of a tan, nice. Buy any new stuff? Finish your summer homework? I bet you did. Shave your underarms? Anyone give you a wet willy? I know my cousin sure – "
"MARY!" Marlene yelled, butting in. By now they had made it onto the train and were sitting comfortably in a compartment. "Give her time to breathe." She continued, her eyes glaring over the book she was reading, Ladybug's Mating Habits.
"You are always reading like two reading things, Mar!" Said Mary, pouting, "And such booooring books, too."
"Leave her alone, Mary," said Lily, always the diplomat. Mary then pulled Lily into a conversation about the pros and cons of a snail trail on boys, while Marlene continued to read, pushing her glasses up her nose and patting down her short, dirty blonde hair.
A few hours later, while the girls were casually and innocently chillin, killin, beverage spillin, eating shnacks from the trolley and discussing pepperoni, the door suddenly banged open. As they looked up, they were blinded by a bright light and the all-round shineyness of the four boiz standing at the door. They were the Marauders, four boys from their house and year who were lyk, the popularest and good lookingest and mischevieest boyz in skool.
"Greetings, Lily-Petal-Tree-Bush-Flower!" Cried James Potter, the leader of the group, as he threw himself at Lily's feet and began petting her ankles and licking her toes.
"Merlin's nipple ring, James!" cried Lily, pulling her feet away from James' loving grasp, "stawp that at once!" she looked down at the grovelling boy in disgust, reflecting on how much she HATED him with the FEIRCE PASSION OF A THOUSAND BURNING UNDERPANTS THAT ARE IN A BONFIRE AND THAT IS WHY THEY ARE BURNING BECAUSE THEY ARE ON FIRE. Although she did in fact hate him that muching much, as she looked down at him, she could not deny his smexiness. He had black hair that stuck out in every which way, but it looked pretty softy soft even though it was messily messy. He wore glasses over his hazel orbs that glistened like a million rainbows, and to top it off, his body was smexy as FUCK, with his QUIDDITH TONED abs and his QUIDDITCH TONED arms and his QUIDDITH TONED EVERY BODY PART, except his hands that were CALLOUSED AS FUCK from all that snitch catching he had been up to, so I guess you could say his hands were also QUIDDITCH TONED.
James bestest best fran in the world, Sirius Black, then came to James' rescue, hauling him up off the floor and exclaiming to the girls,
"HAI, CHICKENS! HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER!" except because he had about thirteen sugar quills in his mouth as he said this, it sounded more like, "HAEH GEHRLZZ, HERRWW WERRZZZ YERR SERRMERRRR!" He then proceeded to bounce into the compartment like two bouncing things, jumping on the seats and kicking off the wall of the compartment, doing a triple backflip. Lily watched as Sirius landed, proceeding to hump the air and sing "ERRM TOO SERXY FERR MERRHH SHEERTT". She noticed, not for the first time, his mysterious and dark and incredibly smexy good looks. He had black long hair that was black and long and reached his shoulders, grey eyes that were like a stormy night just before you get struck by lightning and die, and his all-round self just screamed, "I HAVE AN ENORMOUS PENIS". This was why all the gurlz lurrrved him, and he never was without a chick on his dick.
After James and Sirius had sat the fuck down, Lily had a chance to get a proper look-see at the other two marauders who had also entered the compartment; Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew (omgwhatafucktard). Remus Lupin was also mysteriously sexy, but was also shy and bookish and spent a lot of time reading books, for example while eating dinner, while urinating, while in class, while pranking with the marauders, while talking to friends, while peeling potatoes, and other various activities he did whilst reading. This is obviously why he was friends with the two biggest fuck-ups in school. He was also a werewolf, which meant that he was secretly a badass and obviously had a large werewolf-activity toned penis. Lily greeted Remus kindly because she found him a swell guy even though she HATED James and Sirius. She also greeted Peter kindly also because she felt sorry for him because he was FAT and UGLY and had TEN TOES and NO PERSONALITY, all he did was SIT AROUND BEING FAT AND EATING AND CRYING AND WHIMPERING! (A/U Ok Guyz im totez soz but lyk I just h8 Peter so muchies ewe w ew yuck peter u so shitty omg dnt u guyz h8 him 2?! Omg cuz I totez no that I do hehehehehehehehehehe peter is really fucking shitty xoxoxo omg peter u smell yuck /3 ew xpoxoxoxooxx)
Once everyone was sitting nicely in the compartment, James turned to Sirius and opened his Quidditch toned mouth, starting up a conversation about Quidditch.
"So I reckon the New York Giants are totes going to win this year, do you agree?" began James.
"I am against your opinion, Prongsiepoooooo," Sirius debated, "I believe it will be the Yankees."
"Nah-uh!" James exclaimed, clicking his Quidditch toned fingers in a zig-zagging motion across his face, "You did nawt just say that, Siri-baybee."
"Agree to disagree, beyotch." Said Sirius, crossing his arms.
"Gracious me," Lily began, looking grumpy as she sat back in her chair, sick of all the Quidditch talk and determined to give Potter's Quidditch toned self a piece of her mind.
She continued, "I am SICK, of this motherfucking Quidditch talk on this motherfucking train!"
James attempted to redeem himself by saying, "Oh Lilybaybeeboohoneyyeah, I'm so so sorr –"
But he didn't finish his sentence because Lily had already butted in in her extreme anger,
"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"
"But the – " James still didn't manage to get his Quidditch-toned word in as Lily interrupted again,
"I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKING QUIDDITCH TALK ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING TRAIN!111"
"Lily, I think that – " This time it had been Mary, who was starting to worry about Lily's health, and had tried to calm the situation but she had also proved unsuccessful as Lily had gotten to her feet, standing up on her seat.
"EVERY BODY STRAP IN!" she yelled dramatically, then looked around at everyone in the compartment with a serious look on her face before continuing, "we're about to open some freakin' windows." But Lily never got the chance to reach over and prize open the window, for Marlene had decided that enough was enough (teehee) and stunned Lily, who fell back into her seat with a crash.
"What just happened?" said James, his Quidditch-tones eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"Maybe you shouldn't talk about Quidditch around Lily anymore," said Remus wisely, peering out of the holes he had made in his book especially for the purpose of putting in wise words when everyone had forgotten that he was there.
"That is a great idea Moonykins," Said Sirius.
"You are so very smart," James agreed.
"Sometimes I touch my bumhole," Said Peter. No one listened though because they hated him with a burning passion that was burning and passionate.
That evening, as they filed into the great hall for the annual closing feast and Lily feeling a little woozy after her debacle, Sirius turned excitedly to James and exclaimed, "I wonder what lyric-y goodness the sorting hat shall sing this year!"
They were seated at the Gryffindor table when James answered, watching the first years line up in front of the old hat with McGonagall. "I do not know, kind sir. But let us find out."
The students watched excitedly as the tear near the brim of the hat opened and began to sing,
"I don't know what you heard about me
But a bitch can't get a dollar outta me
No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see
That I'm a motherfuckin' P.I.M.P."
"Bitchin' song this year, eh?" Said James to Remus, who was reading and didn't answer. Lily turned to glare at James and shushed him, saying, "I think it's really inspiring, you should listen to the words, maybe you will learn something for once in your toe-raggy life!" James considered Lily's words, and decided to do as she said. He turned back around to listen some more to the hat's inspirationalnessnocity.
"G (What?)
G (What?)
G (What?)
Unit (What?)
F-I-F-T-Y C-E-N-T and S-N double O-P
Doggy style in ya mouth for the 2003
And y'all know I'm from the DPG
F-I-F-T-Y C-E-N-T and S-N double O-P
We internationally known and locally respected
(And you know you're just a P.I.M.P) Now what you know about me
G-U-N-I-Tizzy, fuckin' with me and the D-P-Gizzy
Niggaz in New York know how Doggy get down
I got my niggaz in Queens, I got my bitches Uptown
I got my business in Manhattan, I ain't fuckin' around
I got some butter pecan, Puerto Ricans from the Boogie Down (Down)
That's waitin' on me to return
So they can snatch these braids out and put my hair in a perm, word
They love it when I get to crippin'
And spittin' this mag-ah-ni-ficent pimpin
You need to switch over and ride with a star
It'll get you far
I'm a P-I-M-P G-A-N-G-S-T-E-R"
The hat finished his song and the whole of the student and teacher body stood up and gave the hat a standing ovation, stamping their feet and screaming, Dumbledore being the loudest of all. Lily wiped the tears that were running down her face and sat down as the food suddenly appeared on all the tables and Mcgonagall took the hat out of the hall, the students straining to touch it as it went past, and begging for autographs.
"That was amazing, wasn't it?" said Mary as she turned to Lily, also wiping tears out of her eyes. "I am going to take that advice on and use it in my everyday life to the best of my ability." Song: P.I.M.P by 50 cent
"Me too, I didn't know a hat could be so smart." Answered Lily.
"I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE WITH WHAT MY SWEET LILY PIE SAYS!" James butted in across the table, pouring her a pumpkin juice and petting her red head before she could stop him.
"JAMES! YOU ARE AN ARROGANT TOE RAG AND YOU MAY NOT POUR ME PUMPKIN JUICE AND PET MY RED HEAD BEFORE I CAN STOP YOU!" Lily yelled, pointing at James and pushing his Quidditch toned hands away from her person. James wasn't listening, however, as he was looking at the hand that had touched his fair maiden's hair not three seconds ago, and basking in the wonderment of this development. He felt like fainting but at the same time, dancing around the great hall and singing at the top of his Quidditch toned voice, 'whaddup bitchez n' hoez I just touched ma bitch's hair yo whut of it yeah motherfuckerz!' But he managed to restrain himself and instead turned to Sirius, his best fwend, and said, "Yo dawg did you see that, motherfucker? I just touched ma bitch'z hair fo real yo it was totez pimpin yo I aint cleanin' this here hand ever again dawg u no whut im sayin'?"
"Fo sho, homie. But home skillet, yo need to chill yo I need to set u bitchez up cos sim sick of seein ma home dawg getting assed out yo it aint pimpin ya know?" Sirius answered.
"A'ight, dawg. Ya'll no whut im sayin'." James looked excited at the prospect of Sirius setting him and Lily up, and seeing as Sirius always had a chick on his dick, he was hoping that he just might have the way out of his problem-o.
"What are you guys even talking about? I can't understand a word you're saying!" Said Mary, who was across from Sirius and James and looking very confused. Before they could answer, however, Remus butted in by saying,
"Its secret Marauder language. So we can talk about anything in front of anyone."
"Oh," Said Mary, still looking confused. But she was then distracted from her confusion by Dumbledore who had stood up and said,
"Yo and welcome to Hogwarts I guess it'll be an alright year or something." They all got up to leave, assuming that it was over, then were surprised as Dumbledore raised his voice again and continued,
"Sit down you little fucks I ain't done yet." They all sat down. "So the Forbidden Forest is forbidden I guess or whatever you'll probs die if you fuck off into there but whatever you no its your choice yeah I'm looking at you James and Sirius yeah whatever I'm smiling cos you don't give a fuck about what I'm saying but I love you secretly or something xoxo." He continued on "and yeah you no don't have banned items or whatever cos Filch will get you I guess sorry about your shitty life xoxo okay Dumbledore out." He backflipped off of the podium and disappeared, and the students took this as their queue to leave.
