A/N: Hello and welcome back to the pain train! I know this story has been pretty emotional and tough lately and I can't really promise you anything different for the below chapter but we really need to make them work for it. Thank you to everyone who is still reading and reviewing; your continued support puts the biggest smile on my face, always. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee

Chapter 18

Kurt felt it before his eyes even opened. The piercing cold, unforgiving and unbending. His eyes creaked open like a stubborn door on old, rusty hinges. He felt stale and stiff as he sat up in bed. He blearily blinked his old eyes to find warm sunlight streaming through his windows, the curtains pulled wide open.

He was still in his room at Darla's. He felt unusually confused as the sunlight, so golden and warm did nothing to heat his freezing room. He swung his feet over the edge of the bed and was shocked at the chill of the wood floors. It reminded him of Christmas morning in Ohio, the one right after his mom died. A hollow, suffocating day. He shuffled nervously over to the window and peaked out.

Outside was bright and sunny, just another day in Cassville. He could see the steam rising off the gravel driveway to his left and the lush green of the lawn straight ahead. The sky was a perfect blue, unmarred by clouds or darkness. And in that yard? There was Darla and Doug. Bev and Linda. Patti and Twila. Cliff and Jo. Lester, Ray, Anna Banana, Lyle, and dear sweet Blaine. They stood around in a crowd in the yard, chatting and joking. Kurt could hear their laughter reverberating through the window.

He placed his numb fingers gingerly against the window, trying to seep through it. Into a world he no longer was a part of.

But the glass was cold.

"Kurt?" Kurt's eyes refocused in an instant, his eyes burning a target straight to the voice of his dreams. "Kurt!" Everyone had stilled on the lawn and was now staring up at Kurt, eyes wide and disbelieving, as if they gazed upon Rupunzel.

"Kurt! Come down here!" Blaine's smile split his face in half as he waved his arms overhead frantically, like you'd wave a plane in for its landing.

Kurt's feet felt nailed to the floor, like his blood had frozen solid in his ice chamber. He could see his ragged breath coming out in plumes of gas. Little clouds of cold.

As if a seal was broken, their wonder broke into noise as the whole town began calling his name excitedly. "Kurt! Kurt! Come down! Kurt!" Their calls were loud even through the window.

Kurt noticed tears in his eyes at the same time he realized he was smiling. His hesitancy broke and he called "I'm coming!" He ran his hands through his hair roughly, suddenly awash in energy. "I'm coming!" His voice was too loud in the confined space.

He whirled around to the closed bedroom door, glancing around his suspiciously empty room and decided fuck it! He didn't need shoes. He just needed to be outside with his friends, his family, his Blaine. Out of this cold and into the heat.

He ran to the door and pulled but it didn't budge. He stared in shock and confusion for just a moment before trying again. The knob wouldn't turn. The door stayed closed. He pulled again. And again. And still nothing.

Frantically he whirled back around and ran back to the window, but the lawn was empty and the sun was gone. No warmth radiated from the world.

Terrified, Kurt whirled back to his door but the room looked different. The layout was different and odd and as he looked around, trying to find his bearings, he noticed he was in his apartment back in New York. It was cold and empty.

He could no longer see the window out to the lawn. It was gone.

"No," Kurt breathed, "No, no, no,"

He raced to his front door, lost in a delirium and he began tugging this door. He needed to move, he needed to get out! But the door stayed firmly in place.

"Please!" Kurt yelled, hands abandoning the useless door knob to bang wildly against the cold, hard wood. "Please! Let me in! Let me in!" He called to no one. "Please! Let me in!"

He gasped for breath, whipping his neck to look back over his shoulder, praying to a god he didn't believe in that his window to the yard would be there: warm and friendly and inviting. But it remained gone.

"Let me in! Let me in!"

Kurt woke in a mess of blankets, his limbs akimbo and his breathing haggard. The room was

dark, the first tiny rays of trailblazing light filtering through his curtains. His eyes bounced around the room, his room at Darla's. He was here, he was safe. The clock on his bedside table read 5:30 a.m. He needed to be up in an hour to hit the road.

"Let me in!" A hushed whisper called from the front of the house.

Kurt shot up in bed, gripping the thin sheet to his chest, heart still pounding.

"Hummel! Let me in!" The voice called again and oh.

Oh. Of course.

Kurt stumbled out of bed on unsteady legs and tripped his way over to the window from his dream, only to find Blaine suspended outside his second story window, clinging to the sturdy ivy that grew there. Like a god-damn Prince Charming.

Kurt hurriedly opened the window, his fingers clumsy with the hardly used lock. All he could think was Blaine will make it better.

They had agreed a few days ago that Kurt would spend Tuesday night at Darla's since he needed to get an early start on his travels Wednesday morning. That and neither of them were sure they could say a goodbye that ended with the finality of Kurt driving down the road and out of town. It was better to drop Kurt off at Darla's like any other night and pretend that this was all just a bad dream.

Blaine practically fell through the window as soon as it opened enough, gracelessly landing in a heap on the floor.

"Blaine!" Kurt gasped, kneeling down and placing a hand on his shoulder, "What are you doing here?"

Blaine's breathing was heavy and when he finally looked up, his curls were untamed and his eyes were wild. He lurched toward Kurt, hands grabbing his face and pulling him into a needy kiss. "Needed to see you," Blaine wheezed between frantic kisses.

He let Blaine breath him in, stumbling backward until the back of his knees hit the bed. He allowed himself to fall backward, pulling Blaine down on top of him. He went from feeling unsteady and like he'd fly apart to feeling contained. But it wasn't enough. Blaine was making little noises on every breath, sighs and squeaks and moans. He sounded like a man falling apart.

So Kurt just held him tightly, trying so hard to not think about how this was the last time. This was the last time he'd kiss these lips, teeth and tongues and quick. The last time he'd ruck up his shirt to feel his taut abs and how they contracted under his smooth palms. The last time he'd peel the layers from between them and feel that lush golden skin pressed heavily against him.

Blaine's hazel eyes were sparking with desperation and he gasped for air, eyes holding Kurt's and searching. He pushed in to Kurt and fuck, this was the last time they'd do that too, wasnt' it?

For all of the energy that was bouncing around inside of Blaine, his rhythm was slow and deep. If this wasn't something Kurt absolutely had to see and record to play in his head months from now, it would have caused his eyes to roll back in his head.

Blaine had his arms stretched out to grip the slats of the headboard as he laid his body fully out on top of Kurt, careful to hold some of his weight up.

"Kurt," he breathed, his lips finally finding their way back to Kurt's. There we tears building in his eyes as he said it again, "Kurt,"

"Blaine," It was the only word that made any sense right now.

The heat built up and up to impossible levels and Kurt wondered if there was a way to make it last forever. To never snap the tension and just live in this moment. This moment where they were joined and one.

But Blaine shuddered, a gasp of Kurt's name on his tongue as he came, long and strong and it shoved Kurt right off that cliff after him.

Blaine let his death grip on the headboard loosen as he fully released onto Kurt and rolled off. They lay side by side, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip.

"Come with me." Kurt breathed, barely able to make the words through his foggy brain.

A pause. A beat.

"What?" Blaine said with an odd mix of confusion and hope and disbelief.

Kurt rolled lazily over onto his side to gaze down at Blaine. He propped himself up on one elbow, hand cradling his own head as he gazed down at Blaine. "Come with me," He whispered and oh my god, why had he not thought of this before? "You can come to New York with me! You can live with me in my apartment and actually eat a real bagel for once!" This was brilliant! He could have saved them so much pain if he'd just thought of this earlier. He felt so silly as he shook his head, a hopeful bubble building in the back of his chest, holding back.

"Kurt," Blaine whispered, that same undecipherable look on his face, "I…" he looked down and shook his head, "What would I even do there?"

"You could do music! You're amazing Blaine, I know you could do it! I mean, we're young; isn't this the time to take a chance? To chase our dreams?" His heart was racing as he tried to figure out if mere tetris or an actual miracle would be needed to fit some of Blaine's luggage in the back of his car. Did Blaine even own luggage?

"Kurt, that's not my dream," He said softly, with a compassionate look in his eyes because he knew that Kurt knew that. And he knew why Kurt was saying it anyways.

"But...but, okay, yeah but you could still be a handyman! I'm sure they need those in New York too!" Kurt felt unravelled. He felt like he was desperately trying to hold all the pieces together. "Like, you could work in an apartment building or something! That's a thing, I know that's a thing. You could fix people's sinks and stuff. I know it's not super exciting but you could do that until you figure something else out or-"

"-Kurt,"

"I just, I know it's quick and you could maybe come up later bu-"

"-Kurt."

Kurt stilled, his face slowly falling because he knew. He knew but it didn't make it any better.

"Kurt, this is my home." Blaine said with a sad smile, carefully carding his rough fingers through Kurt's chestnut locks.

"But why can't I be your home?"

Kurt wiped tears from his cheeks. He wasn't sure when exactly they had started to fall. Blaine didn't seem to be faring much better as that sad smile slowly became more and more sad and less of a smile.

"I'm sorry, that wasn't fair." Kurt said, voice thick.

Blaine nodded and pulled Kurt down into a hug. "It's okay. I get it. I really, really get it." He pulled back to find those blue eyes. "You know that right?"

Kurt nodded, an uncertain laugh bumbling out of his lips. "Yeah...I know." And fuck, did he ever.

They lay there, naked and wrapped in one another and the silence of the room.

Time moved too quickly as it pulled them to 6:30. Darla would be up and in the kitchen, probably making coffee. Filling a thermos for Kurt to take with him.

"You'll call? We'll text?" Kurt asked as they slowly began to dress.

Blaine nodded, "Of course. You'll drive safe?"

"Of course."

"Kurt?"

"Yeah?"

"I...I-"

"I know...me too."

Blaine nodded and Kurt pulled his shirt over his head.

"Hey Hummel?" Blaine said softly, looking up through his lashes.

"Yeah?" Kurt said,

"Can I...do you think I could use the front door this time?"

Kurt laughed, his voice sounding soupy and spent. "Yeah. You can use the front door this time."

And that was that.


Kurt felt a little bit bad as he tiredly hugged Darla goodbye and promised to call when he got back to his apartment. He just didn't have it in him for another long goodbye that drug out for what felt like days. It all just hurt too bad.

Blaine had disappeared down the driveway much like he had the day before, during their first goodbye. But this time, he waved to Kurt and Darla, looking just as tired as Kurt felt.

It was as he rumbled out of Cassville on the road he had rumbled in on that he wondered, for the thousandth time, just why he had to leave. It didn't matter if this place felt like home and the residents were a family. It didn't matter if this was where Blaine lived. Not when Burt had sacrificed everything to keep him in dance. Not when they'd damn near cancelled their first real vacation to be with him for a summer. They had done too much for Kurt to simply turn his back on all of it.

Hell, Kurt had done too much to just quit now. He had spent his entire life training for what he now had: a job as a professional dancer. It had been hard and grueling and he'd had to face a lot of shit from his classmates in small town, America but he had done it. And he had won! So who cared if it didn't feel like winning right now.

Perhaps he'd get home and slowly remember the magic of the city. The lights flashing all night, the crowded bustle of the subway, the feeling of being important and in a hurry and constantly on the move. That fast paced energy that couldn't be further from this southern sabbatical he'd been forced to take.

He knew he'd never forget Blaine or the dance moms or the students, but maybe the pain would fade. Maybe, someday, he would be able to look back on this summer as a happy memory that filled him with a yearning for simpler times and nothing more. Not a yawning pit of emptiness.

And Kurt would visit his Aunt Darla as she aged and eventually found that perfect assistant to pass the school down to. He'd eat at the diner and maybe Ray would even bring him out a slice of pie or cake "on the house" for old times sake. Maybe he'd eat that lunch with Blaine. Blaine and whatever wonderful guy he'd found, maybe even married. But while Kurt could imagine future Blaine with a striking partner, one with big hands and long legs and a kind smile, he couldn't see his own future partner without picturing expresso curls and a slanted smirk.

He couldn't imagine ever sitting casually across a table from Blaine and easily talking about that summer, years and years ago, that had changed everything for him.

Well, not everything. He was still going back to work in New York. He'd be in that same apartment with weekly calls to his dad and Carole. Maybe an occasional date he'd meet on whatever app was marketed to be for more than just hook ups. He'd be eating those same bagels. His freckles would fade into unblemished porcelain once again, covered by layer upon layers of fine fabrics that hid him away from the world.

Okay, so a lot was going to be the same. Everything except that now Kurt wouldn't be able to go

through a single day not knowing what Blaine's lips tasted like. And knowing he couldn't taste them again.

Fuck.

He was only an hour into his drive and he was exhausted. He'd kicked around the idea of swinging through Ohio on his way back up. He could really use his dad right now. But that would take his trip for 18 hours to nearly 20 and honestly? That minimal up in time felt absolutely unsurmountable. Kurt was also certain that the kind faces of his parents would send him careening off the ledge he was currently perched on.

He'd be back in New York on Friday, because he wasn't 18 anymore and his aging body no longer did well with 8 hour car rides, let alone 18. So he would stop tonight, stop tomorrow and get back to New York by late Friday. He had the weekend to settle in and Monday would be his first day back at work.

He tried so hard to feel excited about this, he really did. But he felt nothing.

He turned the A/C off and rolled down his windows, letting the heat flood in all around him.

He turned his radio on to the local FM station, a truly terrible old country western station that grated Kurt's last nerve and he sang along softly to words he didn't realize he'd learned at some point over the summer. But when (Love is Like a) Heat Wave came on unexpectedly during the 'Oldies Hour', he had to turn it off.

Over the silent hours, as he crawled further north and the sun began to sink, Kurt swore that the heat started to leave. He knew it was mostly in his head - he was still fairly far down south, moving more east than north yet - but it felt like Cassville was leaving him and not the other way around.

He shivered and rolled the windows up as he pulled up to his first hotel. He willed the heat to stay with him, in that car, in his chest, on his skin. Forever.

He stayed as long as his stiff body would allow until he opened the door.

Day one was complete and he'd never felt further from home.

A/N: I know it hurts, I know, but I promise, we are getting there. There's only 2 chapters (and an epilogue) left so we kind of have to be. Please leave a review, favorite or follow so you don't miss the next chapter! See ya'll next time :)