Prologue: Help

A/N: Family by Love is still my top priority for posting, so this story will be updated infrequently - at least until it becomes my priority story one day. Priority story information and order can be found on my profile page.


Trigger warnings: postpartum depression, severe depression, difficulty parenting, breastfeeding struggles, feelings of inadequacy, inpatient mental health treatment, postnatal PTSD, traumatic birth

NO suicide (or suicide attempts), NO rape/sexual assault, NO abuse (other than some actions that could be perceived as neglect)


Monday, November 20, 2017

"Maura, you can't live like this anymore," Jane pleaded. She was squatting next to Maura's bed. Maura sat in front of her with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs. Her usually sparkling hazel eyes were dull. Her hair was greasy and somewhat matted, and it had long ago lost its usual luster as the highlights grew out and Maura stopped taking care of it.

"Leave me alone!" Maura yelled back, her face screwed up in anger and frustration. "You don't know what you're talking about. Get out of my life. I want you out of my life and out of my daughter's life. You're overstepping and I HATE you!" Maura knew that everything coming out of her mouth was a lie, but she had long ago lost her self-control. She knew that she was pushing away the one person who had never left her – the one person who was keeping both her and her daughter alive.

"Maura, please," Jane begged, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. "Ple…umph!"

Before either of them knew what was happening, Maura had placed both feet on Jane's abdomen and shoved her away with all the strength she could muster. Caught off guard, Jane stumbled backwards, lost her balance, and crashed into the dresser. The crash had shaken the dresser, causing a picture frame to fall from its place on the dresser into Jane's lap. Jane took one look at the photo – a picture of her and Maura from years ago; it felt like multiple lifetimes had passed since they had been that happy – and took a deep breath to center herself before looking back at Maura.

Maura was still seated on the side of the bed, but the look on her face telegraphed her fear and shock at her own actions. Tears were pouring down her face, and her entire body was shaking.

"Jane," she whispered weakly. "I'm…I'm so…oh my god, I'm so sorry," she stuttered. "I'll do whatever you want me to do, just please, please don't leave Alice." Maura closed her eyes and let her head fall forward. She had never in her life been more ashamed or scared. She had been pushing Jane away for months, but she was sure she had finally gone too far. Jane was going to walk out of her bedroom, out of her house, and out of her life once and for all – and it was all Maura's fault.

But Maura was far past caring about what that meant for herself. What she hated herself most for is the fact that she just took the most important person in her daughter's life away from her.

Maura jumped slightly when she felt Jane's arms wrap around her body and pull her close. Maura tried to fight the comfort for a few seconds – she didn't deserve it – but it didn't take long until she gave in and melted into Jane's embrace.

Emotion poured out of Maura as she sobbed in her best friend's arms. Jane continued to hold her close as Maura's entire body shook with her distress. Maura's hands fisted Jane's shirt, and she buried her face against Jane's chest. She could tell that Jane was talking to her, but she couldn't process her words.

Jane continued to whisper reassurances to the broken woman in her arms while she rubbed comforting circles on her back.

When Maura finally calmed down, Jane pushed her hair away from her face and looked her in the eyes. "I'm not leaving you or Alice, okay?" Jane said firmly. "But Maura, you need help. You need more help than I can give you."

Maura nodded. She knew Jane was right. In all honesty, she had known that Jane was right for weeks, maybe even months, but she was scared…terrified. "I don't know how…I don't know what to do…" Maura said in a voice so weak it nearly broke Jane.

"You don't have to," Jane said. "The only thing you need to do is agree to give it a try. I've already done the research. I found the best possible treatment center. I have all the necessary paperwork ready to go. All you have to do is agree and sign the paperwork."

"What about Alice?" Maura asked, even though she knew it was a stupid question. Yes, Alice was technically her daughter not Jane's, but Jane had been Alice's only real parent for months now. She knew that that wouldn't change when Maura finally agreed to get help. The truth was, Maura knew that despite her earlier fears, there was nothing she could do that would make Jane leave Alice uncared for. Jane would always be there for Alice even if Maura wouldn't let Jane be there for her.

Jane gave her a sad smile. "I know you know that I will take care of her," Jane said, and Maura was grateful that Jane didn't point out that Maura hadn't been the one taking care of Alice for a long time. "I do have paperwork for you to sign though that gives me the legal right to make decisions on her behalf in case of emergency. If something happens, I will of course let you know right away, but I want to be safe."

Maura nodded. "We probably should have done that a while ago," she admitted softly. Then, realizing that it had been quiet for too long, she added, "Where is Alice?" As soon as she said it, she felt like a terrible parent for what was probably nearing the millionth time.

"She's with ma," Jane said. "I'll pick her up before dinner."

Maura nodded again as her eyes started to close. She was exhausted. This entire conversation probably hadn't even lasted twenty minutes, but it had sapped every ounce of energy from her body. She sagged against Jane's body as she tried to force herself to stay awake.

"Why don't you get some sleep while I make the final arrangements, okay?" Jane suggested. "I'll come see how you're doing after. Then, I'll go pick up Alice."

"'Kay," Maura mumbled as she laid back down in her bed, consciousness quickly escaping her.

Jane tucked the blanket up to Maura's chin, brushing her hair off her face one more time before quietly leaving the bedroom. She spent the next few hours making the necessary arrangements. She had found the best inpatient treatment facility within driving distance and had already contacted them. She was able to confirm that they had an opening the day after tomorrow, which was a Wednesday. She felt bad that Maura would miss Thanksgiving, but to be honest, in her current state, Maura likely would have missed Thanksgiving one way or another. She just hoped that Maura would be home by Christmas, but there were no guarantees. This program lasted anywhere from 30-120 days and prided itself on being tailored to each patient's needs, meaning that the final length of the program wasn't decided prior to admission.

Jane scheduled the initial admission appointment for Wednesday at 1pm after making sure that Maura's lawyer would be able to be present. Jane wanted him there to make sure that everything was in line to make sure she could take care of both Maura and Alice while Maura was in treatment. Jane was fully aware that she had no legal rights to make decisions for either of them. She was nothing more than the best friend, and best friends didn't have rights.

Jane looked at the clock. She had about 30 minutes before she needed to pick up Alice, so she decided to go wake Maura to tell her the plan. Making her way upstairs, she found Maura exactly where she had left her.

Jane ran her fingers through Maura's hair, trying to wake the woman as gently as possible. "Maur," Jane said quietly.

Maura stirred, eventually opening her eyes and looking at Jane. She rubbed her eyes in an attempt to wake herself and force herself to focus on Jane.

Jane took Maura's hand in her own once it fell back to the bed. Giving it a reassuring squeeze, Jane spoke, "The treatment center has an opening starting on Wednesday. When I pick up Alice, I'm going to ask ma if she can watch her that day so that I can drive you out there. I'm sure she'll say yes. You'll miss Thanksgiving, but I think…I think it's still the best decision…" Jane trailed off nervously, but when Maura didn't protest, Jane continued, "Um, your lawyer is going to meet us there to make sure everything is in order. I'll stay here with Alice while you're away. She'll be okay, I promise. You know how much I love her. I know you'll miss her, but you need to get better so that you can be everything she needs you to be and everything I know you want to be for her."

Maura nodded. She hated this, but she also knew Jane was right. It may have taken a long time for Maura to be willing to admit that, but now that she had, she definitely felt a sense of relief – even if that relief was still mixed with the ever-present fear, anxiety, sadness, stress, and terror.

Jane sighed. She hadn't gotten much of a response from Maura, but maybe nothing was the best she was going to get. It was definitely better than the denial, anger, and hate she had been getting so far. "Okay, I'm going to go get Alice. I'll bring you dinner. Then, maybe you can take a shower while I put Alice to bed," Jane suggested.

"Maybe," was all Maura could offer.

Twenty minutes later, Jane let herself into her mother's house, her eyes instantly landing on her favorite little girl. The almost-eight-month-old lit up the second she saw Jane. Her face broke into a smile, and she held her little arms out while she squealed for Jane to come pick her up. Jane quickly picked up the happy little girl and swung her up into her arms. "Hi Ali-wali. I missed you baby girl," she whispered against the little girls' soft blonde baby-hair.

"Hey, ma," Jane said more loudly, turning to face her mother with Alice still in her arms.

"Hi, baby," Angela greeted.

"How was Ali today?" Jane asked.

"Perfect as always," Angela said with a smile.

Jane rolled her eyes. "You do know I'm looking for a real answer, right?" Jane asked, sneaking a carrot off the plate her mother was putting together. Her mother playfully slapped away her hand away, but not before she successfully grabbed a carrot.

"She was good," Angela said with a laugh. "She had yogurt and mashed green beans for lunch, took a two-hour afternoon nap, and ate some mashed banana after she woke up. We've just been playing since then. She'll probably be hungry for dinner by the time you get home."

"Thanks, ma."

"How's Maura?" Angela asked, and Jane sighed internally. Her mother always asked this question, and Jane always dodged it. She was well aware that her mother knew that everything wasn't okay, but Jane still hadn't found a way to talk about it with her. At first, her mother had pushed Jane hard for more information, but eventually, she had realized that she just needed to support Jane – and by extension Maura and Alice – by being there for them. That didn't stop her from asking about Maura every time she saw Jane, though.

"She's tired," Jane said. "Being a single parent is a lot of work," Jane added, even though she was also aware that her mother knew that she was essentially living with Maura and Alice despite the fact that she still technically had her own apartment. "Um, can you watch Alice all day on Wednesday by any chance?"

"I can," Angela said slowly. "I'll be getting ready for Thanksgiving, but I can do that with Alice here."

"Thanks, ma. I'll drop her off around 9am, if that works."

"Sure," Angela replied. "The three of you will be here for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday, right?"

"I'll be here," Jane obfuscated. "I'll let Maura know she's invited, but I won't commit her to anything."

"Fine," Angela acquiesced with a sigh, knowing that was going to be the best she got out of Jane – and also knowing Maura most likely wouldn't show.

"We should go," Jane said, changing the subject.

"Okay, I'll see you guys Wednesday. Let me give my baby a goodbye kiss before you go," Angela added, reaching out her hands to take Alice away from Jane. Jane packed up Alice's things while her mother said goodbye to the little girl. Jane knew that her mother considered Alice to be her grandchild, and she was incredibly grateful for that.


Two Days Later

Jane stood outside Maura's closed bedroom door. She had just gotten back from dropping Alice off at her mother's house, and she wanted to make sure she and Maura were on the road before 10am. The facility was two-hours away, but Jane wanted to stop for lunch on the way there. Jane had fully packed for Maura based on the recommendations provided by the facility and Maura's bags were already in the car. She had convinced Maura to take a shower while she took Alice to her mother's house, and she only hoped that the other woman had followed through.

Jane knocked softly on the door.

"Come in," Maura answered quietly.

When Jane stepped inside the room, she found Maura sitting on the end of her bed. She had showered and dried her hair, but she wasn't wearing any makeup. She was dressed in yoga pants and a sweatshirt. Jane's heart broke at the sight. Maura looked so small and helpless, and she looked younger without makeup and with her hair pulled back. Maura also looked completely defeated, and that was the part that pained Jane the most.

Maura looked sadly at Jane as she walked over and sat next to her on the bed. Jane wrapped her arm around Maura's shoulders and pulled her close. She left a soft kiss on the side of her head. "You're doing the right thing," Jane said quietly. "They're going to be able to help you get better."

Maura nodded but didn't respond. She was feeling too many things and absolutely nothing at the same time.

Jane gave Maura's shoulders another gentle squeeze. "I already packed your stuff in the car," she said. "Is there anything else you need?"

Maura shook her head. Jane closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to keep her own emotions under control. She had to be strong for Maura. This wasn't about her. It was about Maura. It was about her best friend. She couldn't break down – at least not yet.

Jane stood and held her hand out for Maura. Maura followed her downstairs and allowed Jane to help her into her coat before leading her to the car. Maura remained completely silent as they made their way to the car and throughout the entire drive, even when they stopped for lunch. She only responded with a small nod or shake of her head. Otherwise, she just went through the motions, allowing Jane to dictate what came next.

When they pulled into the treatment center, tears started pouring down Maura's cheeks. She didn't leave her seat as Jane got out and grabbed her bags. It wasn't until Jane opened the passenger side car door and squatted next to her that Maura finally turned her attention away from the front door. She hadn't even noticed that Jane had already taken her bags inside before coming back out to help her.

"I can't…" Maura said thickly through her tears. "Jane, I can't do this."

Jane reached out and took both of Maura's hands in her own. "You can. You can do this. I know this is hard, but you are the strongest person I know. I know you can do this. It's okay to need help. It's okay to let others help you. They can help you get better," Jane said, tilting her head towards the building.

Maura opened and closed her mouth a few times before finally nodding once. She undid her seatbelt and let Jane help her out of the car. She felt completely numb as Jane guided her into the building. They were led into a small consultation room. She recognized her lawyer. There were also three other people whom Maura didn't know. All four of them took turns talking to her, but she wasn't listening. She only listened to Jane when she talked her through the forms she needed to sign.

Fear finally started to permeate the numbness when everyone stood up from the table. The other four people stepped out of the room to give her and Jane a moment. Jane turned her body so that they were facing each other, and the tears once again started flowing down Maura's cheeks.

"Maura, it's going to be okay," Jane said, desperation permeating her voice. "I'm so proud of you for getting the help you need. Alice and I will both be here when you get better, and I promise to take good care of her while you take care of yourself. I love both of you with all my heart, and I will always be here for both of you." Maura didn't respond, but Jane pulled her into a hug anyway. Even though Maura didn't return the hug, Jane whispered one last time, "I love you, and I'm so proud of you," as the door opened, and the doctor gestured for Maura to follow her.

Jane watched as Maura left the room without looking back at her. Jane was certain that she had never done anything harder in her life than walking out of that treatment center without Maura. No matter how much she logically knew that Maura needed this, emotionally, she hated walking away from her broken and hurting best friend.


A/N: I feel like I keep putting Maura through all the hard stuff in my stories. I actually wanted to try to flip the roles for this one, but in the end, this version seemed to work better.