My Sweetest Friend

2021

Joey Sharkbait

[Soundtrack: "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails]

I guess I should have known we would implode together, anyway. Opposites attract, be damned. I can't be what he needs me to be. What he deserves…

"Hey." A soft voice interrupted the chaos of my inner monologue. I stood up and spun around, quickly unsheathing the blade strapped to my right wrist.

"Kagura…"

"Are you ok? What the fuck was that back at the bar?"

I lowered my weapon and looked away from her, still clenching my teeth. How dare she?! How dare you, Kagura—interrupting my perceived peace… my rage… interrupting with your—your…

The wind demon approached me. The perturbed, angry side of me wanted to step back and maybe even swing at her. I don't think I wholly wanted to, however…

Kagura placed a hand on my shoulder. With her other, she traced my tears with her fingertips, gently brushing them away. That look never left her eyes… the same look she always gave me… ever since the waterfall—

How dare you interrupt my tears—

"I wish you wouldn't cry over him…" Kagura faced away from me, hands on my shoulders. She watched the water beside us and I watched her.

With your kindness—

"I wish you didn't have to hold this sadness at all… I think I saw what happened." Kagura looked back to me and then took my hands in hers. The warm feeling was warring in my chest against the anxiety and anger. I was curious to see which part won.

-you have nerve, my dear; interrupting my rage with your words and your hands…

We made eye contact and I froze. Everything was spinning again except for her.

-and your fucking pretty face.

Why must I be offended by kindness?

I guess I don't have to be… Your hands still fit so well in mine. Half of me would fly away with you in a heartbeat.

I had to ask. I just had to. I think I wanted to, deep down in my brain, back before we even got to the bar. Just out of curiosity…

"Kagura, can I ask you something?"

"Anything. Any time."

I looked down at our hands; I couldn't see her face. I would probably break down again if I did.

"Do you still think of me? Wait, maybe I don't want to know…"

Kagura laughed. "Of course I do."

"Even with Sesshomaru…?"

"That was short-lived. And exactly what it needed to be. Once bitten, nothing more. I had my fix."

"Oh…"

"Oh?"

I didn't know what to say…

"Now what?"

An awkward silence fell between us. But maybe it did not have to be that way.

"I don't think we'll work, you know…"

"Who?" Kagura's eyes widened a little and I could detect the slight alarm in her voice.

"Miroku and I…"

"Because of the bar…?"

"Not only that." I sat down beside the stream once more. Kagura mirrored my actions and we watched the water and the trees once more.

I was just simply too fucked up. He could do better. Maybe in another place, another time, we could have happened differently. Unholy thoughts of violence, alcoholic distractions, and the occasional flirtation with suicide still raced through my mind. Miroku didn't need that.

I looked down at my hands in my lap. I turned them over so I could see my palms and the scars on my forearms. So faint, potentially fatal, and so permanent were the reminders as lines on my fair skin. She always stopped me somehow. I tried to stifle the tears to no avail. They fell silently down my face as I could feel myself drifting a little.

"Sango…" I snapped back to the present and looked at Kagura as she gently grabbed my hand.

What have I become, my sweetest friend…?

I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to make her hurt. Or Miroku… or Kohaku…

"I know what you are thinking, my dear," said Kagura. "Please stay."

Goddamn mind reader. As always.

My buzz was beginning to wear off, replaced by all the constant anxiety and general bad feelings. I prayed in the back of my mind that I did not have a hangover in my near future but would settle for that physical punishment in lieu of the barrage of mental torture that was liable to return at any time.

"Why do you ask me to stay?" Burden… I should go.

The wind demon slowly changed the direction of her gaze to my hand in hers. "Because I enjoy your company… among other things…"

I felt sick all of a sudden. In a good way. I think…

"…Other things…?"

Kagura released my hand and nervously rubbed her arm, looking away from me. "I may still have feelings for you, Sango." We were both silent except for my heartbeat echoing furiously in my own head.

Kagura looked at me, a neutral expression on her beautiful face, but a rush of emotion in her ruby eyes. "I still love you."

"Why?"

Kagura laughed. "I don't know! I mean, I do, but… there are just too many reasons, I guess." She looked up at the sky, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "You're wonderful."

"I wouldn't go that far…"

"No, really!" Kagura insisted. "You're the bravest, most loyal person I've ever met. You've survived hell and all it did was piss you off."

I blushed. I really wanted to argue with her, but part of me was too tired and the other part was maybe beginning to see her point.

Kohaku was free, finally…

So was Kagura.

I won.

"I'm still broken, Kagura." Once again, heaven and hell were raging inside me. Most days, I had no idea which side would win. For now, I shall settle for neutral ground. See where it goes.

"Yes, but you're healing."

"Hmm…" I looked into the water, watching its slow currents. Nothing is the same. But things are still changing… I'm still changing…

"He's still out there." Was I scared? Not at the moment. Fucking determined, even briefly.

Kagura raised an eyebrow at me.

"Naraku is still out there." I looked her in the eyes, feeling smoldering ash and embers in my chest. I would not be afraid to say his name. I refuse. I stood up and looked into the sky, myself, my mind fixating on things and people elsewhere.

Father…

Kagura stood up and grabbed my arm. I turned to look at her and for the first time, we made steady eye contact. "You can't fight him alone."

"I know… I accept that." Finally… "We'll get him. Together. I must avenge my village and the rest of my family. You, Miroku, and the others have unfinished business, as well."

I was beginning to feel the weight of the darkness falling away, although it still tried to take a hold of me. I couldn't let it win, as tempting as it may be sometimes. So tempting… to start again, a million worlds away…

I felt Kagura take my hand in hers and looked down at the gesture between us.

If I could start again…