She lives! I promise, I haven't gone far. In fact, I've been working on this story and others since...well...forever. I'm slowly revamping earlier chapters in addition to writing future ones. And honestly, it helps that I have it all plotted out in this handy-dandy list, lol. Hopefully we'll start to see more traction in this story soon. For now, please accept my humble peace offering and know that somewhere in the background, I'm still puttering around. Feel free to reach out via review or PM; I may not respond immediately, but I love and appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you all for taking the time to read my humble fic and leave a note, or a Favorite/Follow! Now without further ado... (and for what it's worth, I own nothing. Consider this my disclaimer.)


An excerpt from the diary of the Honorable Catherine Tuttle…

The Art of Hysteria or, Ways to Drive Commodore James Norrington Insane

1.) Paint out The Dauntless and fill it in with The Black Pearl. (Note: how does one get oneself on The Dauntless without attracting notice? Must consider.)

2.) Put pink ribbons in his wig. (Study the servants' schedule? Sneak in at night? Must practice lock-picking skills.)

3.) Switch his uniform with a Marine's. (Complete all at once? See above note for entry.)

4.) Give his uniform to either Murtogg or Mullroy. (When and how? Both are dolts, shouldn't take much effort to convince them.)

5.) Call him Ickle Jimmykins, and other names of that nature. (Dost thou haveth a death wish, madame?)

6.) When he acts all high and mighty (every day, then), go up to him and ask, "Does it hurt?" When he asks what on earth you are talking about, say, "The stick up your backside." (Yes. Yes I do.)

7.) Every time he walks by, wrinkle your nose and mutter, "Ew, what's that smell?"

8.) Disable the rudder chain. (Note: must study diagrams on rudder chains, how to disable, etc.)

9.) Shout, "Look! There's a boy in the water!" (Note: must accomplish this when he is least paying attention. Shouldn't be too hard.)

10.) Act like Jack. (Certainly not in polite society…perhaps involve Elizabeth?)

11.) Paint his nails and do his cosmetics when he falls asleep at his desk while filling out reports. (VERY specific: must be able to locate office, sneak in undetected, and find him at the right moment. Does he even sleep?)

12.) Switch everything around on (and in) his desk. (See above for entry. Time it for when he is out of office. Perhaps on patrol? He will be expecting the routine upon his return and will be ever so disorienting.) (Post Script: move everything just ever so slightly so that it is unnoticeable at first glance, but when he tries to sit or reach for something it's not quite where he expects it to be.)

13.) Write CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW WAS HERE on every available surface. (At home? In his office? Where will this have the greatest impact?)

14.) Hand him a letter stating that Gillette has run away with Groves, and they wish him to stand up for them both at the wedding. (Must convince Gillette and Groves to participate. Will be better with their cooperation. Blackmail is also an option.)

15.) Tell him they plan on naming their first child after him.

16.) Continuously make comments about said child, and his two subordinate officers.

17.) Remark on the different shades of red his face is turning and say you never knew it was possible for a human to do that successfully without their head exploding. (Debating whether he really is human.)

18.) Scatter bottles of rum all over his office. (Elizabeth will know where to get these, certainly.)

19.) Ask if his wig has become attached to his head, or if he was born that way.

20.) Remark on the abnormal height of his shoes and mention it does make him look lovely. Very Swannlike. (Ahahaha. So punny. Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done, woman.)

21.) Switch his tea with rum. (Note: be sure to include the lemon slice)

22.) Put ink in his coffee. (Of course, this necessitates carrying around a pot of ink in your reticule at all times for the opportune moment…)

23.) Take a bit of cloth, and rip it a bit every time he walks, then giggle when he stops. (Would be best to do this at Governor Swann's after supper when we are all together in the drawing room.)

24.) Ask him if the quartermaster gave him britches that are too tight, and is that why he always looks like he's in pain. (Actually take in the seams slightly on all his britches.)

25.) Switch all his clothes with gowns, and tell him his coats have more fabric in them than what you've replaced them with, so it really shouldn't be much of a difference. (NOT the good gowns!)