Obnoxious || Dra-mion-ais-eo || Poly || Non-Magic AU Crack Fic || One-shot || NSFW Themes/Discussions
[Un-beta'd. Any and all errors are, naturally, faults of mine.]
~ Dedicated to Colubrina, the badass Slytherin anon on Tumblr (*hearts* to both of you amazing snakes), and my TumblrTwin LyndaLoyde (*hearts*) ~
Hermione sighed quietly as she ran her napkin over her lips. This hadn't been the brightest of ideas, all things considered, but she was using the band-aid method. Surely this was as painful as the night would get.
She spared a glance at Theodore - sweet, ridiculous Theodore – and almost sighed again when she realized he was still silently antagonizing her boyfriends – yes, plural. Aside from placing their orders, the three men at the table hadn't said a word since they'd sat down. Draco and Blaise being quiet she understood, but Theodore? She had half a mind to see if he had a fever. He didn't do quiet.
As if hearing her thoughts, the man in question sniffed quietly and sat back, breaking his back and forth staring contest with her beaus.
"You could do better," was the first thing he said, "But you've certainly done worse."
"Don't insult yourself, Theo, it's unseemly," she parried, sipping her water and wishing it were wine.
Theodore rolled his eyes. "Please. I'm the best lay you've ever had, and you know it."
Out of the corner of her eye, Hermione saw Draco's clenched fist twitch and she sighed again.
"Must you antagonize them?" She asked.
Theo dimpled at her. "I'm sorry, Precious, am I ignoring you?"
"She isn't your Precious," Draco muttered darkly.
Theo raised a brow. "No? Tell me, Blondie, how many of her erogenous zones have you found so far? Between the two of you, of course."
"Theo," Hermione sighed.
"It's a fair question, sweetness."
Blaise spared her a glance. He was hiding his discomfort and irritation better than Draco, but he was obviously at a loss for how to handle the monster that was Theodore Nott.
"You've slept with him," he mouthed at her.
She shrugged. It was true. She and Theo were each other's firsts, only Theo was much more inclined to make sure everyone on earth knew he'd had the honors of breaking her in' as he called it. A bit arrogant, that one.
"Plenty of them," Draco answered through clenched teeth.
Theo's lazy smile slipped into place. She shouldn't have let Blaise insist they bring the wine with their entrees. She needed alcohol.
"Truly?" Theo purred tauntingly. "Because I found all of them. Even invented a few triggers. Did you know Pavlov's behavioral conditioning methods could be used sexually?"
"Theodore," she said warningly, glaring at him.
"Easy, Precious. I won't say any of them here. If we were at that little hole in the wall pub we used to go to at Uni, however? I'd be game for re-christening that back booth."
Draco's first twitched again, more noticeably this time, while Blaise suppressed a sigh and sipped his iced tea.
Where the fuck was their food and, more importantly, the alcohol? Not that Theodore needed alcohol at all, but she was going to lose it without some.
"I mean," Theo continued, "I'd be perfectly willing to give you a demonstration if you'd like to learn more."
"In your dreams," Draco growled as Blaise muttered, "I mean, if she's cool with it."
"Blaise!" Draco hissed.
"What?" Blaise countered. "If he's got some preprogrammed ways to make her scream I'm all ears."
Hermione gave Theo a blank stare and he fluttered his eyelashes at her. "Sorrynotsorry," he said with a wink.
"You never are," she muttered.
"How does Blondie stand the whole threesome thing if he's so shite at sharing?" Theo asked her. "Do they have to take turns? Do you have a custody schedule? Does Dark Chocolate get his turn every other day?"
She really tried not to smile and would have succeeded if Draco hadn't twitched again. Theo noticed the tick as well and smiled triumphantly while Blaise watched on with amused interest.
"I like this one best," Theo said, inclining his head towards Blaise, "Even if Blondie is a cutie patootie."
"What did you just call-"
"Isn't he?" Hermione agreed, interrupting Draco's indignant squeak.
"I assumed, since you've introduced them to me, that they must be packing enough heat to meet your needs?" Theo asked.
She shrugged and sniffed daintily. "I'm pretty sure compared to the idiot I dated after you, I would consider even men not so well endowed proficient fencers."
Theo choked on his Sprite, grinning the entire time he coughed it out. "It's not that hard to sheath a sword," he managed to add after a moment.
"No, but the more talent the better."
"I've spoiled you," he said cheekily.
She grinned. "You all have."
Draco turned to Blaise, his expression pained. "Is this really happening right now?" He asked him. "Are we really having dinner with Hermione's ex, and are they really having this conversation."
Theo made an offended noise. "I am entitled to knowing the details of her sex life, Blondie. I kickstarted the fucking thing."
"You aren't," Draco argued hotly. "It's none of your damn business."
Theo's eyes narrowed and Hermione could see his inner queen rising to the surface.
"Theo, please," she said.
That panty-dropping lazy grin worked its way back onto his mouth for the briefest of moments. "You know I love to hear you beg, sweetness, don't tease me where I can't fuck you."
Draco audibly growled at that. "You wouldn't be anyway."
Theo raised a brow. "Oh sweetie, don't you get it? I boned it first, which means I own it," he snapped sassily. "And if you think for one second that I'm not going to make sure she's getting fucked properly, then you have another thing coming, pretty boy."
Hermione was counting the candles on the various chandeliers throughout the restaurant by this point, thus missing Blaise's smirk and another twitch from Draco. There were two-hundred and eighty candles on their side of the restaurant. Where the fuck was their food?
"So about the Pavlov thing you mentioned," Blaise began, but Draco interrupted him.
"No! Why are you encouraging this shite? Do you hear the way he's talking about her?"
Blaise raised an eyebrow. "I want to learn. He knows things we don't and I like it when she screams."
Draco rubbed his hands down his face. "I do too, but, fuck, Blaise, we can figure it out on our own."
A quiet sound came from Theo's side of the table that may or may not have been disbelieving in nature. Hermione snorted when she heard it.
"Why do you like this egotistical bastard?" Draco asked her, his tone as miserable as the puppy dog eyes he was trying to use on her.
"If you think my ego's big you'll just love my penis," chimed Theo. "'Mione certainly does. Did. Whatever."
"You're good at fencing," Hermione allowed.
Draco put his head in his hands, defeated, as Blaise cleared his throat.
"So…Pavlov?"
Their food and – thank christ – the wine came halfway through Theo's explanation of keying trigger words to certain physical responses. By the time she'd finished eating, Draco was so broken he was actually participating in the discussion calmly.
"So what words did you key to her?" He asked.
"Phrases, not words. And a few combinations of things. We experimented a lot," Theo corrected with a grin as Hermione's eyes narrowed dangerously.
"I'm not the only one with triggers," she reminded him.
"True, Precious," he allowed, still grinning with a glint in his eyes that she remembered all too well. "But I've been wanting to fuck you since I got here, so how much worse can my situation possibly get?"
She frowned. "Please."
Theo made a low noise of approval and Hermione went very still.
"Oh, Precious," he sighed contentedly. "I always do love to hear you beg."
They left shortly after that and she woke up the next morning with three men in her massive bed as opposed to two, and with a delicious soreness between her thighs that was reminiscent of the years she spent sharing a flat with the obnoxious, kinky boy spooning her.
"I'm not done with you," he murmured into her neck. "But I'm willing to share, since you love them."
"I love you too," she mumbled tiredly, wiggling her hips a bit on purpose.
He hummed low in his throat and slipped his hand down to the territory he'd reclaimed as his own. "As I do you, Precious. As I do you. Oh, and pineapples."
There were worse things than being adored by a psychology major, she decided.
~Fin~
*hearts* To everyone for reading this ridiculous thing.
