How do I feel about owning Dragon Ball? Can't answer that question, seeing as how I don't.

"Yo Vegeta, are you-"

"GOKUUUUUUU!"

"KAKAROOOOOOOT!"

Being able to teleport to somebody's exact location had its perks, cutting potentially long, intrusive trips to a split-second. He could avoid entrances, doorways, and any other barrier to get him to exactly what he needed. But it came with the byproduct of often startling people. And frequently, he'd catch those startled folks in awkward positions. For instance, what he was seeing now – a fully nude Vegeta jumping off a fully nude Bulma and tossing sheets over their, again fully nude bodies. As Goku was often wont to do, he rubbed the back of his head and laughed – out of all the awkward scenarios to drop in on, this was the top of the list, right above King Kai's waxing routine that he still hadn't successfully flushed from his memory.

While Bulma was covering her flushed, red face, Vegeta was staring at Goku with the expression he regarded him with for 90% of their time knowing each other, as rivals and as (in his mind, at least) friends – eyes bulging and bloodshot, fangs bared in a snarl that made his face resemble a literal ape's.

"What are you doing, Kakarot?!" Vegeta growled. "Get out!"

"My bad, y'all!" Goku said, pleading with his hands out, an apologetic smile plastered on his face. "I just needed to ask a question."

"ASK IT LATER, MORON!"

"But it's kinda important-"

Vegeta nudged his red-flame of his head to his blue-haired wife. "This is kind of important!"

"Well, can I wait downstairs? You can come when you're finished."

The coupling couple closed their eyes and pressed their heads against each other in total exasperation. Though flustered, Bulma actually brought her hand to her mouth to contain a giggle.

"Kakarot," Vegeta's voice was constrained, calmly bottling his fury. "You have until the count of ten to get out of here before I wipe you off the face of this Earth. Nine!"

Well, that wasn't fair!

"Okay, okay, okay!" Goku yelled, thrusting his fingers to his forehead.

"Wait."

Bulma's drawled call caught both Goku and Vegeta by surprise. Her eyes were dulled, heavy with disappointment while she motioned herself away from Vegeta. "I mean, it's basically over now."

Vegeta looked at the ceiling with an expression that indicated he was asking the Gods to restrain him.

"Just wait in the lobby; Vegeta will be there shortly."

"To end your life," Vegeta amended as Goku scurried out the door.

A few minutes later, Vegeta sat in the Capsule Corporation lobby, staring idly at some of the plaques while a robot in a maid's apron swept the floors. Emphatic footsteps pounded from down the hall, prompting Goku to brace himself for at the very least a verbal assault.

"This had better be pretty fucking important, Kakarot," growled that perpetually raspy, regal voice.

"So, you and Bulma are goin' for another kid, huh?" Goku asked, ignoring Vegeta's deathly glare as he approached him in a blue bathrobe with gold accents and his distinctive royal family crest stitched on the left side. Sheesh, that guy lived like a king in this place. "I thought Trunks was enough of a handful."

"What?" Vegeta scoffed, his prominent in a bewildered twist. "No the hell we aren't!"

"Well then why were y'all doin' that?"

Vegeta squinted his eyes and shook his head, glowering at Goku like he was asking if Saiyans had tails. "There was no reason. We were just fucking, obviously!"

Goku slid back with disgust, and not necessarily because of how crassly Vegeta had described the act. "Y'all do that for fun?!"

The Saiyan prince might as well have short-circuited, his shoulders slumping while his brows flopped in an uncharacteristically dismayed gaze. His eye even twitched.

"…What?" Vegeta asked, his voice nearly a whisper.

Clueless as to why Vegeta was so stunned, Goku drooped his lips in an inquisitive frown. "Did I word it weird or somethin'?"

The wheels turning in his mind, Vegeta vigorously rattled his head and raised his hand to try holding Goku off.

"Hold on, hold on, hold on. Do you and your wife not have sex?"

Goku merely shrugged his shoulder, darting his pupils around and wondering if he was missing something with the way Vegeta was interrogating him. "I mean, twice to make Gohan and Goten when Chi-Chi wanted a kid, but that's it."

Suddenly very intrigued by Goku's company for once, Vegeta slid his chair out and took a seat next to him, stroking his chin. "Really, now?"

A sheepish grin made its way to Goku's lips. Clearly, he and Vegeta were finally making progress after their battle with Buu – the prince's typically cantankerous voice was practically glowing with astonishment to discover an apparently interesting fact about him. Nonetheless, he expressed his confusion with a shrug.

"I mean, yeah. Why else would you do that?"

Vegeta folded his arms and cocked his head. "So, wait a minute. Are you saying you get no enjoyment out of it? At all?"

"Not really…" Goku replied, squirming.

Now, Vegeta pressed his arms against the table and leaned towards Goku like he saw a stain on his face. "Seriously? I mean, considering you were all too willing to practically prostitute my wife as a bargaining chip, you understand attraction, right? You understand why the old turtle bastard and that Kai leer over every woman in sight?"

"I mean, yeah, but that's different. They're just lookin' at 'em." Goku shriveled up at the thought. "I know Chi-Chi's pretty 'n everything, but if there was a way to have kids without doin' that, then sign me up!"

Now, Vegeta leaned back against his chair with his jaw sunken, an incredulous grin from ear to ear. What was his deal?

"Like, it kinda feels good at the end," Goku rambled, trying to reason with himself, "And I guess it's a good workout, but it's all gross 'n squishy 'n sticky 'n sweaty!" Just to illustrate his disgust, he rattled his head. "Yuck!"

"Unbelievable…" Vegeta muttered.

"And plus, Chi-Chi makes these faces and noises like I'm hurtin' her, and I don't wanna do that!"

Vegeta swung his head back and released a laugh that echoed through the halls of Capsule Corp, loud enough to startle even the cleaning bot. Looks like King Kai was wrong – Goku was apparently pretty good at this joke telling business after all.

"You never cease to astound me, Kakarot. Every grievance you've expressed are lit-er-ally the best parts. Why else do you think I was so upset?"

"But that's you and Bulma, and y'all are weird. And if it's supposed to be so fun, why were you bendin' Bulma over and yankin' her hair waaaay back like one of Buu's arms?! That didn't look very fun for her!" Goku braced himself for a patented Vegeta rebuke, but the prince's grin spread from one ear to the other.

"Oh, she would very much disagree."

A shiver went down Goku's spine; he only saw that look on Vegeta's face when he was about to murder. "Wait, so do other couples just do it for no reason, too?"

"The very building you're sitting in manufactures products that enable people to do it without the risk of conceiving children. It generators trillions of your world's currency per year."

"Really?!"

"You remember that day a few months ago where you visited and Bulma was walking with a pronounced limp?" Goku nodded. Vegeta closed his eyes with a boastful, salacious smirk. "We had spent an entire week, shall we say, testing the efficacy of a new birth-control pill."

"What's 'efficacy?'"

"It's what your braincells lack."

Failing to understand the reply, Goku folded his arms in deep thought. "So, people really just do it for fun? Huh. Now that I think about it, that probably would explain Trunks, 'cause you never struck me as the kinda guy that wanted kids back then."

Though he did so with a vexed twitching of his facial muscles, Vegeta nodded. "Correct. In fact, I'd wager that there are more unplanned kids than the contrary."

"Amazing…"

"And wait, if you only did it for reproduction, why were you so surprised by your second brat at the tournament?"

Goku mischievously giggled and raised his finger. "See, that second time, Chi-Chi was so worried about one of us dyin' against the Androids that she wanted another kid just in case…but I'd gotten a ton of trainin' in that day and got really tired halfway through, so I just kinda pretended to finish so I could get it over with and figured I'd do it again later. But I guess a little bit came out!"

Vegeta blankly stared at him, only able to blink.

"Anyway…what the hell is so important you had to come here and grate on my nerves?"

Goku scratched his head, trying to jog his memory. "Oh, yeah! You remember that basket of radishes and cabbages I gave you after our spar yesterday? Well, we were apparently supposed to sell those off and Chi-Chi's really pissed!"

"That's it?" Vegeta sneered. "Maybe if you fucked that banshee from time to time, she wouldn't be so pressed over trivial bullshit."

Goku, of course, replied with laughter.

"Well, I already ate them all, so tough luck." Vegeta stood up from his chair, marching back towards the stairway. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be spending the next five minutes trying to convince my wife to have sex again until I inevitably end up falling asleep, all because of your third-class, sexually deficient carcass."

As far as Goku was concerned, Vegeta was in luck, but whatever. Now, he was left with a conundrum – and not about how he would explain to Chi-Chi that 100,000 Zeni worth of vegetables were now in Vegeta's stomach. This whole "sex for fun" concept left him utterly perplexed and curious. He brought both index fingers to his forehead, a certain Ki in mind.

While Goku disappeared, Vegeta returned to his bedroom, still stricken with residual laughter from that conversation. Bulma eyed him curiously when he slipped back under the sheets.

"Wow, it's rare that you return from a conversation with Goku with a smile on your face. What happened?"

"Get this," Vegeta giddily began as he undid his bathrobe. Bulma folded her arms and provided her undivided attention. "Kakarot and the banshee don't have sex. They did it twice to get their brats and that's it."

Bulma's eyes and mouth turned her face into a goose's nest.

"Really, now?!"

Goku warped into a cramped bedroom, startling its two occupants who thankfully weren't in the barbaric position he'd caught Bulma and Vegeta. On the bed lay Videl, holding a book while she wore only a black shirt with a dragon design that he had occasionally seen on the man sitting beside him. Gohan, his studious 19-year-old son, sat in the chair across from her, in a disheveled tanktop and sweatpants with baggy, bloodshot eyes and a desk littered from end to end with papers behind him.

"What are you doin' here, dad?" Gohan asked, his voice bleary and tired. "It's kinda late and we're tryin' to study."

"Don't worry, I'll be quick!" Goku turned towards his girlfriend and waved. "Hey, Videl! Kinda lucky you're here, too!"

"What's up?" Gohan asked.

"Do y'all have sex?"

Videl dropped her book. Gohan's entire face went as red as the stars of a Dragon Ball in a single second.

"Dad, can you please leave?" he asked in meek, hushed tones with his eyes glued to the floor.

Goku looked back and forth between the equally embarrassed college students and frowned in befuddlement. "What's the matter?!"

"EVERYTHING!" Gohan yelled.

"Whatever, then," Goku said before disappearing.

Videl picked her book back up, unable to take her eyes off the spot of the floor that her boyfriend's father had been standing.

"Well, I know what I suddenly don't want to do once we're done," she said, cringing.

"Ditto."


Chi-Chi wiped off her forehead with a sigh of relief, the morning dishes finally done. It had taken her longer than usual, as Goku's behavior had been awfully strange since he returned the night before and even in the morning before he went out in the fields, and occupying her thoughts. Clearly, he was trying to come up with an excuse for why he lost that basket of radishes and cabbage.

She suddenly heard a knocking on the front door and left the kitchen to answer. She swung it open, revealing on the other side a young blonde woman with a penchant for striped sleeves and blue denim.

"Eighteen?" Chi-Chi asked, pleased to see a friend but startled by her presence. "What's up?"

"You're coming with me."

Without any chance to enquire, Chi-Chi suddenly found herself in the grip of the astronomically stronger female and flung onto her sturdy shoulder. Eighteen flew into the sky, leaving Chi-Chi to scream while the turbulent winds blew into her face and threatened to tear her earrings through her lobes.

"WHAT THE HELL'RE YOU DOIN'?!"

"It's an emergency," Eighteen replied, her voice a dull monotone even in high-speed flight. "Well, for you at least."

"WELL, IT'S FIXIN' TO BE AN EMERGENCY FOR YOU IF YOU DON'T LET. ME. DOWN!"

It was just an idle threat, as Eighteen kept her in her grip no matter how much she struggled until she reached a certain yellow dome in the center of Earth's busiest, most affluent metropolis. She dropped down the lawn, continuing to restrain Chi-Chi's flailing and screaming body.

"If you don't put me down right now, then so help me…!"

Eighteen dropped Chi-Chi down on a couch in the living room. Chi-Chi immediately stood up with one of her patented death glares, but her edge dulled at the display in the center of the room. Bulma stood with a concerned frown and her arms folded, a chalk bord right beside her.

"What's the meanin' of this, you two?!" Chi-Chi demanded, as Eighteen joined Bulma on the other side of the chalkboard.

"This is an intervention, Chi-Chi," Bulma said, her voice as tense as her eyes. Eighteen looked serious as well, but she looked that way even at her own wedding.

"Intervention?!" Chi-Chi squealed, her face flushed with embarrassment. "Y'all don't think I'm on drugs or nothin', do ya?"

"No, no, no. This is something far more serious," Bulma said, making tension in Chi-Chi's legs rise enough that she had to sit back down. "Something you may not even be aware of."

"…Is it about Goku?"

"Yes. About you, and him," Eighteen replied.

"I don't understand," Chi-Chi asked, a droplet of sweat forming at her brow. "What's goin' on?"

Bulma cleared her throat. "Now, Chi-Chi, you may be offended when I ask this question, but it's the crux of why we've brought you here on such short notice. Now, let's get straight to it: how often do you and Goku make love?"

Crimson flooded Chi-Chi's cheeks as she regarded both the aqua-head and the blonde with equal suspicion. "Um, that's a strangely…personal question."

Bulma stuck her hands out in trepidation. "Now, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. At least not yet."

"But you probably should," Eighteen added.

"Eighteen!"

The deadpan Android shrugged.

Though blindsided by the question, Chi-Chi gathered herself and cleared some phlegm from her throat, giving her two friends a demure smile. "Well, not that it's either of y'all's business, but my husband 'n I have a peaceful, intimate relationship that doesn't require physical displays of affection."

"She ain't gettin' shiiit…" Eighteen flippantly remarked in a manner that startled the other two women.

"I said what I said."

"Really?" Bulma replied, as if finally presented with the one math equation she couldn't solve. She planted her hands on her hips, shaking her head at the equally flabbergasted Eighteen.

"What's so hard to believe? Goku 'n I did the deed twice to bear our wonderful sons and that's it," Chi-Chi said, though she anxiously pressed her legs together and slung a bead of sweat away. "I'm uh…perfectly satisfied without it. Obviously."

"Is that your final answer?" Eighteen pressed.

"Yes," Chi-Chi impatiently replied. "Hell, not only have we not even needed sex…we've never even kissed on the lips!"

"WHAT?!" both Bulma and Eighteen screamed. It was a big enough bomb that even Eighteen was expressing her gaping shock.

Smug and satisfied by their stunned gasps, Chi-Chi leaned back against the couch and crossed one leg over the other, smirking. Although she was fighting a knot in her stomach. "A-yep. Me 'n my Goku don't need our bodies to show no affection, no ma'am! The magazines I used to read said a good wife only needs to give herself up to have children." She turned to a certain blue-haired woman with a raised eyebrow and coy smirk. "Though clearly you ain't followin' that."

Bulma rolled down her sleeves. "Excuse me?"

Eighteen grabbed Bulma by her shoulder. "Calm down, Capsule Girl, she can kick your ass."

Cooler heads prevailing, Bulma grumbled and stood down.

"Just face it," Chi-Chi said, her tone stiff. "Goku and I don't need to kiss or indulge in sin. We only need love!"

"See, that's sound in theory," Bulma said, shaking off her salt. "But only if your relationship was just drowning in affection. And not to insult Goku, but if you looked up aloof in the dictionary you'd get a silhouette of his crazy hair right beside it."

Chi-Chi got up from her seat, hands defensively planted on her waist. "Whoa now, don't go callin' my husband aloof! My husband's a lotta things, but he ain't aloof!"

Bulma hummed disbelievingly and wrote the word of the day on the blackboard. "Is that your final answer?"

After a few scoffs, Chi-Chi sucked her teeth even though her mind was taking her to uncomfortable places. "I mean, yeah, he's a little distant sometimes, comes 'n goes when he pleases, can't even remember his own birthday let alone anybody else's…not much of a gift person…"

Bulma smugly coughed and scribbled a few words down on the chalkboard. "Aloof: removed or distant either physically or emotionally! And Goku's a healthy serving of both!"

Chi-Chi sat back down with a groan, burying her head in her hand.

"But this isn't an assassination session for Goku's character, 'cause he's got plenty of good, loveable qualities. And I'm aware that your marriage began on very…unusual circumstances," Bulma took a seat on the arm chair near the couch. "But girl, I've known you for a while now. You're a hopeless romantic! And I've seen you say quite a few frisky things about your man over the years."

Chi-Chi modestly closed her eyes and fanned herself off. "Well, he is quite the sight without a shirt, and we all know he ain't got no problem prancin' around in his birthday suit…"

"And there it is!" Bulma yelled, emphatically swinging her hand. "You got the same look on your face Goku has when he sees a sirloin steak! You want that carrot he's dangling in front of you!"

"Oh my!" Chi-Chi prudishly yelled.

"Wait, what do you guys mean when you say your marriage started weird?" Eighteen cut in. "That's might be the key to all this, 'cause Goku doesn't seem like a relationship guy in general."

Chi-Chi shook off the fabric of her dress. "Well, if you must know, he promised to marry me when we were children…" Her brows ridged together while her teeth grit together in a wary smile. "I mean, he didn't actually know what marriage was when I asked…and that was literally the only time I met him 'fore I turned back up six years later and he forgot who I was…but…"

"Oh, jeez." Eighteen said, cringing.

"I always did wonder what Goku did to sweep you off your feet back then," Bulma said. "Because that was Goku fresh off the mountains, at his densest and most brain damaged."

Like she had during the moment she was recalling, Chi-Chi brought her hands to her crimson cheeks while tucking away a tingling between her legs. "It was quite scandalous. I dunno if I can even say it out loud…!"

"Nothing you say will leave these walls," Bulma promised. "Though now I really want to know! See girl, this is why we need to get you and little Goku more acquainted!"

The wife of the amnesiac Saiyan blissfully ran her hand down her face. "Okay, I'll say it. We were ridin' his Nimbus Cloud right after he saved me…and he just went for it! He patted me in my special place and claimed me as his without even needin' to say it. I never knew men were so forward! I knew from then on that it was fate…"

While Chi-Chi's chest fluttered with love, Bulma and Eighteen looked at each other with swelled cheeks, spit flinging from their mouths until they could no longer hold it in. They burst out with loud laughter, leaving Chi-Chi stupefied and scratching her head like her husband often did.

"What?!"

"Bless your heart, Chi-Chi. Goku wasn't trying to claim you…he wasn't even being a pervert!" Bulma said, catching her breath and clutching her ribs. "Goku did that because he was trying to see if you were a boy or a girl!"

Chi-Chi sunk like an anvil had been dropped onto her shoulders.

"WHAT?!"

Eighteen rubbed her jaw, sore from her chuckles. "Yeah, Krillin said Goku did the same thing to him when they met!"

Feeling the world spinning around her in a whirlwind, Chi-Chi leaned back against the couch. "No…that's a buncha malarkey!"

With a sympathetic smile, Bulma shook her head. "I'm afraid not. You gotta remember, I was literally the first human Goku even saw besides his grandpa, let alone the first girl. He figured out guys and girls had different parts after –" She suddenly stopped herself, a cringe briefly twisting her face before she cleared her throat. "Let's just say he figured it out and started patting people's crotches to determine their sex 'til he could do it with his eyes."

Flustered and overwhelmed, Chi-Chi fixated her eyes on the toes of her shoes, her thoughts incoherent. "Goku…barely even realized I was a girl…wasn't even smitten…oh God."

"Fuck…" Bulma murmured. "This was just supposed to be an intervention on your sex life, not a dismantling of your entire relationship."

Bulma grabbed the increasingly distressed black-haired housewife and shook some relief back into her. "Look, it doesn't matter how bizarre and naïve your marriage is; you've clearly made it work in your weird, rural, Goku & Chi-Chi way. We're just trying to get you filled up!"

"You are one dirty girl, Bulma," Eighteen snickered.

"I believe Vegeta's word is vulgar," Bulma said, lasciviously laughing with her tongue hanging above her lips.

Chi-Chi nodded her head, ignoring Eighteen and Bulma's exchange. "You're right, Bulma. And I do flutter with desire around Goku sometimes…I mean who wouldn't after sleepin' with those bulgin' muscles beside you every night?! And that natural musk on him…?!"

"Does it smell like the inside of a farmer's market?!" Bulma asked.

"It does!"

"Just like Vegeta! Must be a Saiyan thing." Bulma let out a deep, erotic sigh that made the younger woman blush. "Y'see, Chi-Chi, this is why we're here."

"I mean, I guess I do have my needs that ain't ever been satisfied. But where do I even start? Goku ain't too good at hidin' his desires and he ain't never shown none for sex. Hell, he was all uncomfortable 'n squirmin' the two times we did do it!"

"Goku, uncomfortable? He makes people uncomfortable more than the other way around," Eighteen remarked.

"Y'all don't know him like I do," Chi-Chi said. "He can actually be quite bashful. He don't like when people touch his face or get all up in his personal space."

"He's a fighter!" Eighteen incredulously yelled, doubling over. "His entire lifestyle is getting his face touched and personal space violated."

"Nah, I see what she means," Bulma said. "It's different in a fight, and I'm sure he actually likes being uncomfortable when it comes to that. But she's right – Goku's always been pretty fidgety and hostile when people try to touch him. He's gotta brace himself for it. That might be an instinctive Saiyan thing, 'cause Vegeta can be the same way."

Chi-Chi found herself shaking with worry and clutching her chest. "Aww, y'all don't think I might be the problem, do ya? Could he not be attracted to me?"

Bulma fidgeted her body in thought. "Nahh…Vegeta said when the Saiyan race was still alive and kicking, they were few in numbers precisely because they only had sex for reproductive purposes. So in a weird way, you and Goku have a traditional Saiyan courtship – but that's clearly left your regular human self with some repressed desires."

"So how did you get Vegeta into it?"

"You just gotta go for it! Vegeta was a total prude when I first invited him in here, but once I got him going…" Bulma tucked her legs together and hissed longingly, her body practically sizzling with desire. "Chi-Chi, you have no idea. He's like a literal animal. Once you've had that power that can destroy an entire solar system ten times over ramming into you like they're in a deathmatch and trying to turn your pelvis into a pile of dust…I mean my God."

While Bulma swung her head back and released a loud, throaty moan that made the cleaning bot slide into a wall, Chi-Chi and Eighteen rubbed the back of their necks with discomfort, feeling like flies on the wall of an intimate moment.

"Do you need a cigarette?" Eighteen quipped.

Bulma raised one hand, signifying she just needed a moment. Chi-Chi winced…though if Bulma could get that way just from thinking about it…

"What about you, Eighteen?" Chi-Chi asked. "Krillin's a fighter himself, but seems normal enough."

Eighteen smiled with red cheeks. "Well, Krillin may be small in stature, but…" She brought her hand to her mouth and cleared her throat.

"Oh..."

Bulma, finally escaping her trance, glared competitively at Eighteen. "Probably not as inversely proportional as Vegeta, though!"

"Wanna bet?"

As if on cue, Vegeta suddenly strolled through the living room, sweaty and fresh off a training session with a towel around his neck. With the headphones over his head, he evidently (and thankfully) hadn't heard anything.

"Hey, Vegeta!" Bulma shouted, making the Saiyan prince flinch and yank off his headphones.

"What?!" he snapped.

"Where'd I put the measuring tape?"

Vegeta narrowed his eyes in suspicion, eyeing every woman on the couch with a distrust that could slice through steel.

"The hell have you wenches been talking about?" When Bulma opened her mouth, Vegeta cut her off with his hand. "Actually, I don't want to know."

As Vegeta walked away, Bulma looked at Chi-Chi and raised both index fingers, spreading them apart with a suggestive smile. While Eighteen rolled her eyes, Chi-Chi sighed in defeat. She knew what needed to be done.

"Y'all win, I guess. I guess I'll give it a shot," Chi-Chi said getting back up and turning towards the entryway.

"Need any tips? Ideas?" Bulma asked.

"Nah, Goku ain't picky," Chi-Chi dismissed. "I've gotta figure this out myself."

"Gotcha! Good luck."

Chi-Chi marched to the door, but froze once she realized one little problem. "Wait…I didn't take a car here, remember?"

She turned around, staring pointedly at Eighteen. Bulma, despite this whole thing being her idea, did the same. Eighteen stared at both of them with her icy scowl.

"What?!"


Goku zapped out of thin air again. This time, Gohan was right in the middle of taking off his Great Saiyaman bandana and dropped the shades as soon as his father materialized.

"Dad!" Gohan yelled. "You've gotta stop doing that! One day, I'll be in class…or worse!"

"Heh, my bad!"

Gohan calmed down and sat down, anxiously frowning and tossing his red cape to his bed. "Speaking of that…you're not here to ask me about that again, are you?"

When Goku impishly laughed, Gohan sighed.

"Look, if it'll get you to stop asking me - yes, Videl and I are…" Gohan stretched his lips as far as he could while his brows stitched together. "Sexually active."

Goku nodded. "Cool, cool. But not for a kid, right?"

Gohan's face blanched. "God, no. We're being responsible and using protection, if that's what you're worried about." His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Hold on, you're not asking on mom's behalf, are you? Because you've never struck me as caring about that kinda stuff."

"Nah, your mom ain't make me," Goku reassured. Relieved, Gohan nodded and took a swig of water. "Well, it does have to do with your mom, though. 'Ccordin' to Vegeta, it's weird that your mom and I don't have sex."

That water Gohan had been drinking spewed onto Goku's gi.

"Dad, can you please leave?"

"…'Kay." Goku shrugged and teleported home, his Ki-guided travel taking him to the kitchen. Chi-Chi had been hard at work at the sink and thus didn't even notice his arrival. Trying to avoid a scolding for his soaked clothes, Goku rubbed his Gi against the table, in the process making a loud screech that startled Chi-Chi.

"Goku!" she yelled after turning around. "Stop poofin' unannounced! When'd you get here, anyway?"

"Coupla seconds ago."

Chi-Chi put her hands on her hips and stared at Goku intently, leaving the Saiyan wondering if she had noticed the big stain of water on his shirt and Gi. There was a different look in her eye, however – fixated on the stain yes, but without her usual irritation. In fact, she seemed pensive, bringing her fingers to her chin like she had an idea.

"Goku, your shirt," she absently-mindedly remarked.

"Yeah, that was my fault," Goku sheepishly replied. "Shouldn'ta been buggin' Gohan. And speakin' of that-"

Chi-Chi grabbed two fistfuls of his fabric. "This stain's pretty bad. Maybe I oughta get this Gi off."

"Uh, it ain't that bad…"

Regardless of how Goku felt about it, Chi-Chi pulled his Gi from the edge of his pants, and with no choice but to follower her lead before things got awkward, Goku did the rest of the job and took his Gi off. And then, Chi-Chi grabbed his blue undershirt, too.

"Oh, it got on your shirt, too!"

"I mean, barely. It ain't that-"

Rather than nudge it, she tore the shirt off and unveiled Goku's bare chest, leaving him confused and wondering if she was more upset than she let on. But after admiring his torso for a few moments, Chi-Chi started running her hand up and down his bare skin. Though the sensation of her smooth hands tickled in a pleasant way, he flinched instinctively.

"Uh, what're ya doin'?" Goku asked, hesitancy in his voice.

Chi-Chi groaned and slumped her shoulders, a sadness in her face that concerned Goku. "It's true, ain't it?"

"What?"

Chi-Chi folded her arms and shook her head, contemplating her words.

"Goku, are you attracted to me?"

The question left the whimsical Saiyan blinking in surprise. "Y'mean, like, do I like you?"

Before Chi-Chi could clarify, Goku was already grinning and providing his answer.

"'Course I do! You're really kind, but you're feisty too – and that's good! And y'know, you take care of the kids real good, and of course the food's amazin', and-"

"Not that," Chi-Chi replied, though her eyes did glow affectionately with a gracious smile overtaking her features. "Though I really appreciate that too! You should try sayin' it more!"

Apologetically, Goku scratched his cheek and giggled. She was certainly right – but in Goku's eyes, all those feelings were just a given and didn't need to be said.

"But I mean…"

Chi-Chi strutted to Goku and gently touched his arms, leaving him pursing his lips as he felt his breath thinning out and a tightening in his pants. He was supposed to hate this, but he wasn't exactly waiting for her to stop, either.

"Do you like me…the way that dirty ol' Turtle Hermit likes me?"

Always associating his master's antics with indecency and seeing the way she and Bulma reacted to him, Goku was slow to answer – if he said what he was thinking while she traced her fingers up and down his body, she might have been knocking his head into the ground with a hammer she produced seemingly from thin air, too.

"Uhh…I mean…"

A drop of sweat spilled from Goku's forehead and onto Chi-Chi's wrist. When she noticed, she looked up and realized he was suddenly drenched with sweat like he was fresh off a spar. As if she read his mind and realized it was working, she smirked at him. Suddenly, Goku felt dizzy.

"Like…"

She grabbed hold of his wrist, thrust his hand forward, and shoved it into her breast.

"This?"

"Ooooooh!' Goku whirled, almost automatically giving it a squeeze. It was so soft, better than any cushion he'd ever felt in the universe. Chi-Chi didn't need to grab his wrist for the other hand to go roaming either as his mouth hung open, full of focus and intrigue like he was right back on his excursions through the hills…though the hills weren't this soft.

Chi-Chi brought her head close to Goku's, soft moans ticking his chin.

"It's workin', ain't it?"

Goku could only say "Uh-huh" and nod. Suddenly, he tore the fabric of her purple dress open and upon realizing what he did, slapped his hands over his mouth in fear. Rule number one of the Son household: don't ruin Chi-Chi's clothes! And when Chi-Chi ducked her head and folded her brows with that all-too-familiar scowl, Goku knew this fun little experiment was over.

"Why'd you stop?" she huskily asked. "Keep tearin' it."

Oh. Well, then.

He did as the captain commanded and tore it open, because he was a man and very much attracted to his wife in a Master Roshi way, dammit. And though her orange bra with red stars on the front ends were the only things in the way of his pair of plump, fleshy goals, that didn't stop him shoving his face right down the middle.

"Um, what are you doin'?" Chi-Chi asked.

Goku looked up like a scuba diver leaving the ocean. "What? Puff-Puff – that's what Roshi' always yappin' about, right?"

She grabbed both ends of his spiky hair and lifted his head back up to his face, putting her dazzling, radiant, and playful smile.

"No more mentions of that old toad for the rest the day-"

"But he's the Tur-"

Before he could destroy the mood with a verbal Kamehameha, Chi-Chi pulled his head pressed her lips into his. Goku knew what a kiss was, having seen Vegeta, Krillin, Gohan, and Yamcha on the receiving end many times, but never knew what it felt like. The feel of her soft, and yes, even squishy 'n sticky lips pressed against his, left him shivering.

"Do that again," he ordered in a low voice that made Chi-Chi practically shove herself into him and comply. Not knowing what force was possessing him, Goku grabbed a hold of her muscular thigh while their lips smudged all over each other and and turned around, shoving her towards the table.

"You're gonna break it, sweetie!" she groaned against his lips.

"We got plenty o' trees around, I'll build a new one!"

Before Chi-Chi could finish saying "Okay," Goku slammed her down, and with his poor control over his power, broke the entire the table into pieces and fell on top of her on the floor. With dust surrounding their sweaty, aroused bodies, Goku and Chi-Chi looked around and surveyed the mild wreckage until their black eyeballs eventually journeyed back to each other. They both…laughed. Laughed at the entire silly, awkward scenario.

When Goku saw the way Chi-Chi bashfully blushed underneath his body with a smile she reserved only for him, he knew exactly what he wanted to do – for fun, at that!

Minutes? Hours? Who really knew – but some time later, Chi-Chi and Goku lie in the middle of their wrecked kitchen, their undressed bodies covered only by tablecloths, their bodies as gross and squishy and sweaty and sticky as Goku often feared – and he loved every minute, as did Chi-Chi. Goku had heard his name yelled in a lot of ways and contexts over the years, but never like that! Feeling nothing but love and affection, Goku cradled Chi-Chi's body and held her tight.

"Wow, Goku…this is what we've been missin' huh?" she said, her voice devoid of energy. She rested her hand on Goku's chest, gently drawing circles.

"I'll say," Goku said with a deep breath. "Man, Vegeta 'n Bulma, and Gohan 'n Videl were onto somethin' with THIS!"

"Wait."

Chi-Chi's finger didn't poke Goku's skin so much as stab it, eliciting a squeal of pain.

"What's wrong?!"

"Gohan and Videl are havin' sex?!"