The Wheely-Thing-With-Bells-on Theorum

(Adventures in Nerdvana)

Ever since I started getting into "The Big Bang Theory", an idea has been gestating in my head. TBBT deals with a group of geeky friends, all of whom are unworldly to some extent, all of whom are on the Faculty of a major university, all of whom have interesting eccentricities and character quirks, one of whom is absolutely convinced of his intellectual superiority, and all are obsessed with the minutae of other worlds while not being fully cogniscant with the social intricacies of the one they actually live in. Hmm... wait a minute... this suggests a cross-over and Two Worlds Meeting.

Minor revision to clear up a few niggles.

Ponder Stibbons looked doubtfully at the contraption. It sat in the middle of the High Energy Building's floor, inert for the moment, looking purposeful and slightly sinister. It was obviously of Discworld design: full of the elaborate decoration and rococo intricacies of polished brass and ivory inlay that local design theory held was wholly necessary for the aesthetic appearance of any functioning machine. It looked like the result of a random explosion in a furniture makers which had on the way picked up accessories it quite fancied from a decorative metalworker's shop.

"What does it actually do, HEX?" he asked. The University's thinking engine occasionally did things like this. With access to the University's clacks account and financial authorisation codes, it had spontaneously sent detailed plans to the Street of Cunning Artificers, who had duly obliged and delivered a very large packing case – and a very large bill – to Unseen University that morning. Ponder was unsure how the Arch-Chancellor would react to seeing the bill, but as the University's de facto Bursar, he had developed certain self-preservation strategies. He had decided to bury the invoice somewhere in the Catering accounts under an anodyne ledger entry, as a very large sudden expense would not be out of place on the food and beverages bill. But first he needed to know what it was for. HEX would not have commissioned it without a reason.

++Professor Stibbons, we were discussing the theoretical implications of the Multiverse ++We speculated that it exists, and that Roundworld is only one manifestation of a greater whole++Indeed, witness the number of alternate paths which Roundworld has taken, and those necessary moments when we have had to intervene to restore its correct path++Those alternate timelines are not dead++They still exist in a limbo but we can recall them at will++All the indications are therefore that Roundworld may well be merely the jumping-off point for other, stranger, realities yet, but which we are unable to access++This vehicle is designed to bridge those gulfs and travel not just up and down Roundworld's timelines, but into alternate Roundworlds lying as close, but as hitherto unreachable, as the back of a shadow++

"All very metaphysical, HEX." said Ponder. "There are two seats, I notice. Ow!" He slapped the polished brass frame, and barked his shin on the rococo brass finials protruding from the front legs.

++I strongly suggest sending two research associates with appropriate skills++ said HEX. ++You will notice the control mechanism on the dashboard takes the form of an adjustable calendar++The large parabolic dish behind is designed to keep the whole unit inside a thaumically maintained bubble which will preserve optimum temperature and atmospheric pressure, in the event of materialising in an environment otherwise inimical to the maintainence of life++

Ponder, hopping on one foot, looked up into a large vertically mounted concave disc behind the crew seats. He nodded.

"Better find Professor Rincewind, then." he said.

++Actually, Professor Stibbons, your presence is mandated for this research trip++ said HEX.

Ponder looked round in surprise.

"Why me?" he asked.

++There are interesting intelligences out there in a place identified only as Caltech++ HEX said. ++It requires you to attend in person as you would be both an intellectual equal to them, and a person they would find sympathetic and congenial++ Professor Rincewind would, on this occasion, not cut it.++

Ponder sighed. At least he wouldn't be there if Ridcully chose to poke around and find the invoice for the machine. At that moment anywhere else in the unknown infinite Multiverse would be preferable.

"And who gets the second seat?" he asked.

HEX considered this.

++The intelligences I would like you to contact are easily swayed by an attractive woman's presence++ he said. ++A woman attractive in appearance, with intellectual abilities of her own, and who in extremis could act as bodyguard and security consultant, as the location of Caltech is not without risk to the unwary visitor++ HEX paused for a moment.

++I propose Doctor Smith-Rhodes++


Sheldon Cooper sat in an ungainly hunched-over huddle on the left-hand side of the sofa. Leonard Hofstadter privately thought he looked more like the result of the unholy genetic splicing of a lemur and a praying mantis than ever. Next to him, Penny looked completely at her ease, as she reached for another serving of dim sum. Leonard sighed, trying not to stare. Why was this woman so god-damned, tantalisingly, painfully, unreachably, attractive? Why she chose to hang with the guys remained a mystery to him. It couldn't just be free Chinese food, surely? Raj Koothrapali sat to her left, mute and uncomfortable. It added to his private misery that Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz was perched on the seat-arm to his right, her pinball smile (1) glowing like a machine that was offering you a free play. Everybody liked Bernadette. Especially Howard, who adored her. Howard, who dressed and hair-styled himself to look like Ringo Starr's long-lost twin brother. He occupied a folding lawn-chair over to Leonard's left. And then there was...

Ungainly, frumpy, unworldly, shapeless in layers of cardigans, thick wooly skirt, heavy-denier tights and sensible clumpy shoes. Leonard knew underneath it all was a hell of a nice girl. It was just that Amy was in so many ways the ideal consort to Sheldon. He, Leonard Hofstadter, ought to know. He'd helped engineer getting them together, something he still felt vaguely guilty about. What if they finally worked out the practical, as well as the theoretical side, of the sex thing, and actually bred? What had he and Howard unleashed on the world? What sort of a Frankenstein would their joint genes produce? (2) He shuddered.

"So what did you guys actually do with that time-machine thing that was cluttering up the apartment?" Penny asked. Raj leaned over and mimed something to Howard, who nodded sympathetically.

"It's under a tarpaulin on Raj's apartment balcony." Howard said. "We put it up for sale again on Ebay but nobody bit. Even after relisting it twice."

"That's just as well." Sheldon observed. "I had a really bad nightmare about it." His voice was nasal, slightly whiny, with petulant overtones. It was not a voice you could warm to.

"Oh, sweetie!" Penny said, sympathetically. "I could hear your nightmare from across the hall!"

"Everyone can hear Sheldon's nightmares. From the other side of Pasadena." Howard said.

"What about me? I'm in the next room!" Leonard added, with feeling.

"At least it's outta here." Penny remarked. She still hadn't quite forgiven them for blocking up the stairwell on a morning when she was late for work. She still went the other way round the block to avoid the Middle Eastern family from the next building. "I'm in no hurry to see the thing again."

The boys had once bought a stage prop from a 1960's sci-fi movie; a piece of steampunk Victorian imagining of what a hi-tech 1890's time-machine should look like, all rococo flounces and superfluous ornamentation. It had looked good, but had been life-size, rather than the miniature model they'd been expecting.

"Nightmares." said Amy Farrah-Fowler, picking up on an interesting point. "I believe they are caused by neurochemical imbalance as the focus of brain activity switches during sleep from the higher cortex to the hindbrain and hypothalamus. This is the deeper reptilian level of the brain and as such is the seat of mankind's primal fears and desires. Freud may well have been partially right in postulating the existence of the id, but he made a fallacious assumption that this is a psychological rather than a neurochemical and neurological phenomenon."

Penny looked bemusedly at her.

"Sweetie, you lost me at the 'I believe' part." she said.

"Interesting" said Sheldon. "So you could provide experimental evidence to support this hypothesis by, for instance..."

"Extracting samples of your brain tissue during sleep and subjecting it to extensive laboratory testing." Amy said, absolutely poker-faced. "Obviously, protocol demands the experiment be replicable and it will need to be repeated."

"Why not? He's got brain tissue to spare." Leonard said.

"I was about to say 'subjecting me to EEG and cat-scans while in a sleeping state during the onset of nightmare.'" Sheldon said, hurriedly.

Amy reflected.

"That may work too." she eventually conceded. Her manner suggested that dissection was by far the preferred alternative.

Penny helped herself to a portion of skewered satay chicken.

"Well, at least we won't be seeing the freaking thing round here again, any time soon." she said.

Johanna Smith-Rhodes read through the briefing notes from HEX. Her Guild of Assassins training had taught her to assimilate complex information quickly. Her vocation as a teacher and zoologist also helped.

"Ja." she said, thoughtfully. "It all seems straightforward. HEX, this will not take too much time out from my regular work here?"

++I can return you here in subjective Discworld time at shortly after the moment you leave, regardless of how much time elapses on the version of the Roundworld you will be visiting++ HEX assured her. ++Time is subjective++

Johanna grinned. She loved adventures, and a simple contract to the University to provide escort services to Professor Stibbons should be straightforward enough. Escorting Wizards who required professional bodyguards on hazardous expeditions where they were ill-equipped to face more mundane perils was a valid use of her Assassin skills. Besides, for Ponder, she'd do this for nothing.

"End the mechine is devised to send us outside our normal space end time, to explore alternetive versions of the Roundworld which stend outside the normal timeline of the elternetive world? Thet which Ponder calls Roundworld Prime?" she said. "I think I comprehend thet."

++Everything you can imagine is real, in the Multiverse++ The phase of the Multiverse you are going to explore is real enough in its own space-time, but in other phases of the Roundworld, outside the consensus reality we call Roundworld Prime, it may only exist as imagination, as a fable, or a stage performance, or a romantic novel in the mind of a particularly imaginative person++Everything resonates++

Ponder took his place in the driver's seat and studied the controls. The control panel looked both deceptively simple and forbiddingly difficult. Ponder suspected it might operate in more dimensions than the usual three. Lights glowed in various colours, including the octarine, and some parts of the console were hard to make out, shifting slightly under his glaze.

++I have programmed the machine++Please clip the omniscope fragment to the console in the indicated place++ This will enable me to monitor and advise++

Omniscopes could, in theory, see anything, anywhere.(3) HEX used them for gathering information and "monitoring".

++Following certain regrettable and painful events involving Professor Rincewind, we learnt the advisability of having cover identities and appropriate personal identification for travelling on Roundworld++ I have researched and prepared cover identities and supporting documentation for both of you++Your names will remain the same for convenience++ Good luck and happy travelling++

Two thick buff envelopes materialised. Johanna insisted that she and Ponder took the time to read who they were going to be on Roundworld and familiarise themselves with the details. Eventually she pronounced herself satisfied. Again, she was intrigued with how Rimwards Howondaland, on her world, so closely overlapped Suid-Afrika, South Africa, on this new planet to her. She joined him in the passenger seat.

"Ready, HEX." said Ponder.

A bubble of octarine light formed around the machine and the two travellers. It shrank to a point and disappeared. HEX felt a sense of personal satisfaction and awaited the development of events.


"And there's more space in the apartment now it's gone." Penny added. "And you guys aren't likely to foul up the stairwell again, any time soon."

She reached for the spring rolls, looking happy and satisfied.

Then there was a sudden explosion of light in various colours. Bernadette screamed. Raj screamed, even more shrilly and more high-pitched than Bernadette.

"What the Hell..." Leonard exclaimed. He closed his eyes, but the after-images flickered still across his visual field. This is freaky, he thought. Am I seeing more colours than the usual seven? What's in that kung-po sauce?

He heard Sheldon say "Interesting" in a very mild voice. Afterwards, Leonard Hofstadter could only describe the eighth colour he had glimpsed as a sort of greeny-bluey-turquoise... look, guys, by definition a colour nobody's ever seen before won't have a word to describe it... you've got to see it. It was like a shaped hole in space where a colour should be, you know?

"Howard, tell me you haven't reactivated that freaking security system? " Penny shrieked. "Can I expect an electrified steel-mesh net to drop on me any time soon?"

And then the light show faded and a humming noise Dopplered down to nothing and cut out.

Penny opened her eyes. To see that freaking god-damn time machine sitting there as if it had never left. With two people sitting on it. Raj Kooptrathali grinned contentedly. The fact two oddly-dressed strangers had materialised out of thin air and that he was now covered in various Chinese food sauces was immaterial. For both Bernadette Wolowitz and Penny had instinctively grabbed him for comfort and security, tightly wrapping themselves around him. For now, Raj savoured the moment, and silently put up a fervent prayer of thanks to Ganesh, the elephant-headed God of good fortune and prosperity.

A girl with striking red hair stepped out of the machine and scanned the room. Something about her carriage and poise implied competence, strength, and an ability to hold her own in a fight. Leonard also noted the very big machete on one hip and the coiled whip on the other. Howard Wolowitz noted that she looked like Indiana Jones' extremely cute younger sister.

"Wow." he breathed, involuntarily. "What world did you just step out of?"

Afterwards, Leonard would reflect that of all the possible ways in which First Contact could be made with people from a different planet, it had to be Howard, as good as hitting on the other civilization's female representative. Forget "Take me to your leader", it had to be "Are all the women on your world as hot as you?"

The girl smiled at Howard. Her smile had overtones of a very hot sunny place and for some reason, a lioness who has opted to play with her food.

"Hot?"she said. "Ja, it is true thet I come from a hot country. I hev heard your...Celifornia... is a pleasantly warm place. But I em a little confused. We intended to errive here in the year twenty-thirteen. But your clothing suggests the year is nineteen sixty-seven?"

Bernadette snorted with laughter.

"That's what I keep telling him, but will he listen?" she said. She had an appealing little-girl high-pitched voice. Johanna smiled reassuringly at her, assessing her as being no threat. She nodded at Ponder.

"I too hev found it difficult to change a man's dress sense." she said. "Perheps some things are universal?"

Seven people. Four men. All of whom appear to be no physical threat. I could floor them all with a single slap. Three women. This one is pleasant and likeable. The well-formed blonde girl, seated next to the woebegone-looking little man of Ghatian appearance, is physically strong and in very good shape. She could give me a little trouble if it came to a fight. Watch her. For the moment her mouth is hanging open and she appears shocked and astonished. As well she might.

The seventh person looked at Johanna and Ponder with only a look of mild dispassionate surprise on her face.

Assuming this is not a hallucination brought on by chemical poisoning induced by contaminated Asian food, Amy Farrah-Fowler thought, this could be a very interesting situation indeed. Are these people from the future of Earth, or could they be from a different planet altogether? And how will their brain chemistry differ from ours? What are the environmental variables? And her accent sounds just like that visiting research fellow from South Africa... a South African alien? Wasn't there a movie Sheldon took me to about aliens in South Africa?

The tall, spindly, one stood up, a look of excitement on his face.

"You... you are... you have... a time machine? And you've made it work?"

Ponder Stibbons smiled, stepped forward, and extended a hand.

"I feel we should introduce ourselves." he said. "I'm sorry to have burst in uninvited and to have caused you concern. My name is Ponder Stibbons."

His voice sounded educated English, Leonard noted. Two aliens, but one sounds South african and the other an Englishman?

"Professor Ponder Stibbons." Johanna prompted him. "If our information is correct, the people here are elso ecademics."

Sheldon Cooper sprang forward, quivering like an excited puppy being offered a new chew-toy. He grasped Ponder's hand and pumped it.

"Doctor Sheldon Lee Cooper. B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D.. Theoretical physicist. When Caltech finally realises what they've got and I'm given tenure, I should also become Professor Cooper. I look forward to that happy day."

Ponder nodded. "Pleased to meet you, Doctor Cooper. My colleague here is Doctor Johanna Smith-Rhodes."

Johanna smiled warmly. Sheldon spared her a brief nod. "And your academic field, Doctor Smith-Rhodes?"

Unseen University had conferred a honorary doctorate on Johanna. It had been in recognition of her work with a certain sort of animal life and had been bestowed by the Department of Cryptozoology, Pseudozoology, Parazoology, and Bloody Odd And Dangerous Animals.

"I em a zoologist. I specialise in enimel menegement, enimel psychology, end related issues."

"Interesting." Sheldon Cooper said, in a dismissive voice that suggested it wasn't and that soft sciences such as zoology did not interest him in the slightest. Johanna felt her fists itch.

"What do you know about monkeys?" Amy Farrah-Fowler asked.

"Where would you like me to start?" replied Johanna. "End to clerify the terms of reference here, we ere telking ebout true monkeys, which ere simian creatures who do not identify themselves es Great Apes?"

"Interesting choice of words." Amy observed. "I deal with monkeys in my research labs. If you're staying here for any length of time, you might wish to come and see them?"

"Errr..." Leonard Hofstadter said, uncertainly. Johanna turned to look at him. Something about him, his general look, his air of hangdog uncertainty, the slight build, the glasses, the nondescript dress sense... he reminded her strongly of Ponder Stibbons, as he'd been when they first met. She warmed to him.

"Doctor Leonard Hofstadter". Sheldon said, casually. "Although he's only an experimental physicist."

"Pleased to meet you, Leonard". she said, stepping over to take his hand.

"I was about to say..." Leonard looked down at her waist. "If you're going to go out in public in Pasadena or visit Caltech. Your... weapons..."

"Ah, ja!" she said, realising. The briefing notes had mentioned the local Watch and explained that Californian police did not look too kindly on open displays of armaments. And that they were all gonne-armed. She unbuckled and removed her sword belt. She went armed every day in Ankh-Morpork. It was needed there.

"I epologise if the weapons I cerry caused concern." she said, comfortable in the knowledge that only one of these people would be capable of causing her any sort of difficulty in a fight. "It was not my intention." She rested her weapons belt against a wall. Howard, the one stuck in a 1960's time-warp, interestedly moved to look closely. She took his arm restrainingly. To him, the grip felt like a steel vice and he froze up. This, he realised, was not a grip to shake off or be taken lightly.

"May I make it clear, Doctor Wolowitz?" she said, kindly. But very firmly.

"That's Mister Wolowitz!" Sheldon Cooper corrected her, without turning round. He was excitedly looking over the travelling machine with Ponder and firing questions.

Johanna noted a couple of obviously replica weapons hanging on the wall and the thought occurred to her that these people were perhaps overinterested in weapons that they would not know how to use and lacked the stamina and muscle-power to wield for very long. Similar weapon-nerds existed on the Disc.

"I would prefer it that nobody touches my sword-belt while it stays here." she said.

Howard grinned, almost comprehending. Being Howard Wolowitz, he then said:

"Ah, something like Aragorn in the halls of Meduseld? A weapon handed down by your ancestors, that nobody else may touch for fear of terrible death?"

Johanna's brow wrinkled in confusion.

"I know nothing of Eragorn, or this Meduseld". she said. "What I do mean is that there are pockets and pouches on thet belt which contain certain... preparations and essences. These cen be dangerous to people who do not know how to use them. If my mechete interests you, which by the way belonged to my great-grend ouma, end was hended down the femily to me, I have no objection to your hendling thet. But not now. Later, perheps?"

"Is an ouma like a mee-maw?" Sheldon Cooper asked.

"Do you mean a grendmother? Ja, same thing." She found herself admiring Sheldon's mind, whilst being aware of a sudden irrational desire to hit him. Hard.

"Your grandmother's sword?" the girl called Bernadette said, incredulously.

Whilst Sheldon informed everybody that ouma was the Dutch word for "grandmother" and was also used in the related Afrikaans language spoken in Southern Africa, and now he came to consider the matter, he wondered if ''mee-maw" was a corruption of that word and not just the Cooper family's private term of affection, the attractive blonde girl who did not wear glasses cane out of her shocked trance.

"Yeah, sure, sweetie. Back home in Nebraska I've got antique guns my grandmother gave to me. I can buy that."

She has weapon skills, Johanna thought. Interesting.

"My great-grandmother." Johanna corrected her. "It is a honoured weapon in my femily. My great grend-ouma killed four Zulus with it at the bettle of Isandlhwana end wounded et least es many others."

She kept a poker face as the replica sword collecters looked at each other. Being in the presence of a weapon that had actually killed people was something utterly outside their experience.

"But my grandmomma sure never shot anyone dead." Penny murmured. "She did wing a cattle-rustler, though. And shot my uncle in the butt, but hey, that was an accident."

Johanna smiled.

"We have things in common, then. Miss...?"

"Just call me Penny. Pleased to meet you!"

Penny moved across on the sofa and beckoned Johanna to sit down. She did so, feeling the dark-skinned man on her right squirming in what felt like embarrassment. It was hard to tell if he was blushing under his dark skin, but she suspected that he would be going visibly red if his skin were paler.

"Hello. I'm Johanna. We have not been introduced?" she said with a friendly smile, extending a hand.

The Ghatian-looking man wriggled in discomfort and said nothing. Johanna turned to Penny.

"I mean no offence. But your friend here. Has he the misfortune of being mute?"

Penny and Bernadette both spluttered with laughter.

"Hell, no! It's just that Raj has this thing where he can't talk to attractive women. Can't you, sweetie?" She leaned across Johanna and chucked him under the chin affectionately. Johanna noted in passing that these Celifornians appeared to have a better grasp of personal hygiene than most Ankh-Morporkians; she smelt a pleasant perfume and a warm, well-tended, body. This was good.

Raj mumbled something and stood up, moving to the kitchen area.

"I worried thet it might be because here, I am a white Rim..." Johanna caught herself, "Sed-Efrrrikan. There are bleck end coloured people who hev an issue with thet."

She watched Raj uncork a bottle, pour a glass, and drain the contents in one. He looked back over to the four women on and around the sofa, paused, and poured and drained another one. He looked visibly calmer and more assured.

"Raj has an interesting case of selective mutism." said the dowdy Amy. "Hell, I really want to dissect his brain sometime!"

Johanna said nothing, but gained a growing sense that this group of people would fit right in on the Discworld. She also wondered if this strange Amy Farrah-Fowler was part-Igorina. Or at least part Anirogi. (4) Igorinas generally took care to be better-looking than that, she thought, unkindly. Must be Anirogi, then.

Raj returned with a greater mood of purpose and self-confidence and resumed his place next to Johanna. She could distinctly smell some sort of alcohol, possibly a sweet wine.

"Dear lady." he said, surprising her. "I am sorry if my earlier behaviour may have struck you as impolite. I required something to help me relax. Doctor Smith-Rhodes, I am Doctor Raj Kooprathali. Astro-physicist. I gather you are from a different world?"

"Ja." she said. "Estro-physics is not unknown on my world. Ponder's University teaches it es a discipline. Elthough it has other names there."

She noted he had the sing-song inflection of the Ghatians. She frowned. There was a Ghat-like country on Roundworld, she recalled. Although its human population, to her, had been incidental. It had lions and tigers and elephants. These and other fauna had been enough for her.

"Speak to me of your world." Raj urged her. "To meet somebody from a different planet..."

"Where do I begin?" she said. "And is thet Agatean food I can smell?"

Penny indicated the table.

"Help yourself, sweetie." she said. "The guys can always send out for more."

Meanwhile, Sheldon Cooper was skipping up and down with excitement around the travelling machine.

"Can we go somewhere?" he urged Ponder. "Can we? Can we? Can we?"

"Calm down, Sheldon!" Leonard said, impatiently. "That's up to Professor Stibbons!" Leonard was achingly keen for a go himself. But he knew this incredible opportunity was in the gift of the visitors. He had to admit, they were not hostile. And one of them seemed to have a taste for Chinese food. He wondered if he should ring the Szechuan Palace and order more. It would be worth it.

"All these questions, Leonard! How does it work? What powers the device? Do you have a cloaked mothership in geostationary orbit around this planet right now, invisible to all our puny attempts at detection? Are there others who are even now visiting other cities and searching out the best academic minds? Can we see inside the mothership? So much to learn!"

Ponder smiled, seeking to restrain Sheldon Cooper's excited enthusiasm, trying to talk mainly to Leonard Hofstadter, who he sensed was the person with a mind most like his. And possibly the most grounded person in the room to deal with, both as intellectual peer and as group representative.

"And Penny, you're in my spot!"

Penny sighed.

"So I am, sweetie. But there's nowhere else to sit, we have guests, and you're all excited about getting your time machine back. One that works!"

Sheldon, it's getting late. We need to talk about finding our new friends a place to stay tonight." Amy thoughtfully extracted a nearly-new handkerchief from her sleeve and examined it with a frown. Johanna suddenly had a flash of recognition. The ungainly walk. The shapeless sensible clothes. If she piled that lank hair, would it shape up into schnecken over both ears...

"Doctor Farrah-Fowler?" she said. "Tell me, have you ever worked for the Post Office? You remind me of somebody I know at home."

"I had a summer job with the Postal Service while I was paying my way through sophomore school, yes." Amy said. "The whole dynamic of sorting and delivering mail struck me as a classic example of the stochastic process in action. Bringing order out of seeming chaos. I suggested many ways in which it could be improved. Unfortunately my line manager had a mental breakdown, and was not in a position to implement any of my suggestions."

Amy smiled.

"It was a happy time."

Johanna decided not to ask her if she was related to anyone called Maccalariat.

"Sweetie, are those the only clothes you've got?" Penny asked. Johanna was dressed in her usual serviceable veldt clothing, khaki tunic and trousers, with comfortable well-broken boots. She nodded. Penny looked back with an expression of deep sympathy.

"You look like you're dressed for a safari, hon. Have you got dollars? If not, Leonard's got a credit card."

Johanna she had checked its contents, the thick brown envelope had contained, amongst other things, five thousand U.S. dollars in notes, which HEX had acquired through mysterious means of his own. She had thought it wise not to inquire.

"I have eccess, immediately, to five thousand dollars. Will that be enough, do you think? I believe I can get more dollars, if they are needed."

Penny blinked.

"Hon, aren't you lucky you met me?" she said. "Sweetie, you can stay in my apartment tonight. It's just across the hallway. Tomorrow, we are going shopping! Bernie, Amy, are you in?"

"You bet!" Bernadette squeaked. She practically bounced in her place in anticipation.

"All set, bezzie!" Amy grinned. "Between us, we can get this gal looking Californian!"

She slapped a hand on Johanna's shoulder in an awkwardly friendly way.

Leonard nodded.

"No offence, Professor Stibbons, but your clothes are a bit... strange. If you're spending any amount of time here, you need to blend in. Between Howard and me, we should be able to dress you so that you don't attract attention. We're about the same height and build."

"Leonard!" Bernadette squeaked. "You want him to blend in and not look strange, and you're offering to let him borrow YOUR clothes? Or HOWARD'S?"

"And just don't introduce him to your mom, Howard. The poor guy's gonna be a prisoner for life. She's worse than Area 51!"

"hey, with my mom he'll wish he was locked up in Fifty-One with the other aliens." Howard replied.

Ponder accepted the offer of local clothing with thanks – he was quite taken with Leonard's shapeless olive-coloured parka with the blue hood. He wore similar things himself, after all. He thought Leonard looked quite stylish in it. He also made a quick decision.

"HEX, can you hear me?"

++I hear you perfectly, Professor Stibbons.++

The disembodied voice that appeared to come out of Sheldon Cooper's computer terminal made everyone jump.

"Hey!" Sheldon protested. "That's my laptop! You'd better have a good reason for that!"

++Hello, Doctor Cooper++It is a pleasure to make contact with a mind such as yours++Do not be alarmed++I have simply spoken to the admittedly rather primitive artificial intelligence that powers your machine, and it has allowed me to make use of it in order to communicate with you++When I leave, I assure you I will leave no trace and take nothing away with me++ By the way, there is an error in your calculations concerning seven-dimensional phase space in superstring accretions++I have taken the liberty of correcting it and I will take you through the mathematical logic, if you will permit me++

"I don't make mistakes in my math!" Sheldon exclaimed, indignant.

"Sheldon." Leonard said, mildly. "If an alien supercomputer far in advance of anything we can devise takes over your PC, reads your files, and tells you you've screwed up the math, if I were you I'd accept it with good grace."

Sheldon, all else forgotten, stomped angrily over to remonstrate with HEX.

Ponder Stibbons said, hurriedly, "HEX? Please power down and immobilise the device until we need it again? Then you can consult with Doctor Cooper. Thank you."

"Very wise." Howard Wolowitz said, as the lights on the Travelling Engine flickered and died and the residual faint hum faded to nothing. "Never leave your vehicle unlocked with the keys in the ignition. Not this car, and not around Sheldon. He'll want to go joyriding. Can't even drive a car, but give him a spaceship to play with and suddenly he's Captain Kirk."

"It's not that I don't trust you." Ponder said. "But some things are perhaps too big a temptation. If we lose this, or anything happens to it, we're stranded here."

"No mothership, huh?" Leonard said. "Just direct transfer from your world to ours?"

"The two are closely interlinked, in some ways we understand and in many ways we don't." Ponder admitted. "We all speak the same language, for instance. The close resonance allows for travel between worlds."

"You're not using a universal translator?" Howard exclaimed. He was surprised. And slightly disappointed.

"There are... similar things." Ponder said, deciding not to broach the topic of magic, just yet. He was intrigued by this world's casual acceptance that if for instance you needed light, you flicked a switch in the wall and it just, well, happened. Ponder had a few vague ideas as to what sort of magic fuelled this. Linguistic spells for mutual understanding would sound freakish to Roundworlders, he suspected.

"Come and eat." Leonard urged him. "We've got some Chinese food still. We can warm it up in the kitchen if it needs it. Looks like Sheldon's gonna be too busy to eat, what with arguing with your computer, so you may as well have his share. Then we can fix you a bed for the night."

Leonard paused.

"None of my business, I know, but are you and Doctor Smith-Rhodes, you know... errr?"

Ponder nodded.

"And you and Penny are... errr?" he asked. He'd seen the little signs too.

"On and off". Leonard admitted.

"Almost as good as science, isn't it?" Ponder said.

They looked at each other and laughed. In the background, Bernadette and Penny were trying to explain Roundworld clothing conventions to Johanna.


Part Two beckons!

What is the real reason why HEX is so keen for Ponder Stibbons to make contact with a group of very bright academics and loveably dim human beings at Caltech?

Will downtown Pasadena survive a shopping trip that includes Johanna Smith-Rhodes?

Will Sheldon get punched?

Will the Caltech administration start asking awkward questions as to exactly which academic institution conferred a Professorate on Ponder Stibbons?

Coming soon!

(1) OK, it's not original. But the authors of The Big Bang Theory are demonstrably fluent in the language of science-fiction works. Red Dwarf is one of many references and shout-outs which are strewn liberally about. So giving Bernadette the famous pinball smile attributed to Lister's love interest Krissie Kochanski... it fits. You only have to look at Mellisa Rauch's character to understand the phrase. OK, so this makes Howard Wolowitz into Dave Lister. But like Lister, Howard went into space as a very unlikely astronaut only to do the equivalent of servicing the chicken-soup dispensers on the International Space Station, and like Lister, initial awe was replaced by a sensation of how bloody dull the view was. It all fits. Especially if you view Sheldon Cooper as a man whose quirks and OCD make Arnold Rimmer look normal.

(2) Sheldon Cooper's mother is called Mary. Sheldon's name is affectionately contracted to Shelley. Mary Wolstonecroft Shelley wrote the novel Frankenstein – Mary effectively created and gave literary birth to the monster. Go figure.

(3) The omniscope had once linked to something called a palantir in a place called Middle-Earth, a device enabled by its own world's technomancy to see everything, everywhere. It had caused no end of bother.

(4) The Rogi is the opposite of an Igor. They're good at dismantling people. Only not so hot at re-assembling them afterwards.