Hermione sighed with frustration. How on earth had she let things get to such a state? Months... it had been months! And still... hardly a word had been spoken between Ron and herself.
Oh sure, it'd been fine when Ron and Harry accompanied her to Australia, to recover her parents and it was always fine when Harry or someone else was around but any time that it was just Ron and her in a room alone she felt that inexplicable urge to leave... and she always did. Hadn't she promised herself that she would force the issue if necessary? Hash it out with Ron, lay all her cards on the table?
But nooooo... Clever Hermione Granger decided that it could always wait for just a little longer... sure enough, the day was August the 24th and she was due to return to Hogwarts in a week and she wouldn't see Ron again for months.
Brilliant, Hermione, just brilliant! What a Gryffindor you are!
Enough was enough, however. She bid her parents farewell for the evening and vowed that today, she would speak to Ron and sort things out, once and for all.
She could remember time after time when she could've settled things, but chose not to.
Not this time... although her logical side was also telling her to speak to him anyway.
"The Burrow!", Hermione bellowed, throwing floo powder onto the floor of her fireplace. Hermione mentally thanked Mr. Weasley for connecting her house to the floo network before emerging, covered in soot in the Weasleys' living room.
"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed, shooting up from the seat he'd taken.
"Hi Harry. Where's Ron?" Hermione asked immedlately.
"He's with George and Ginny at the shop. They're almost ready to re-open", said Harry, eyeing her in a way that Hermione most certainly didn't like. It was eerily similar to the searching gaze that Professor Dumbledore always had.
"I need to speak to him... when is he getting back?", she asked.
"Any minute I reckon", said Harry, checking his watch. "But why now? You've had like... three months!" said Harry.
"Because... because enough is enough and I need to stop this ridiculous cycle of us avoiding each other!", Hermione said insistently.
"Cycle? Hermione... do you think Ron's... angry with you or something?" Harry asked, aghast.
"No... but I know that there's a reason for him not speaking to me!" Hermione replied.
"Yeah, there's a reason alright", said Harry, darkly.
"You know? What is it?" Hermione asked urgently.
Harry grimaced.
"He's gone and convinced himself that you want nothing to do with him. He looks damn near ready to cry whenever someone mentions your name. You didn't... say something to him, did you? I've only ever seen him like this twice before", said Harry.
Hermione's heart sank. This was the last direction she wanted things to go.
"No! We haven't spoken alone in months!" said Hermione.
"Okay, good. It's just... some of the things you've said to him over the years have really got to him, you know?" said Harry softly.
No, she didn't know. That thought made Hermione's heart sink. While she certainly received her fair share of painful words from Ron over the years, she genuinely didn't know what it was she'd said that could make Ron avoid her like this. Or perhaps her avoidance of him was the real problem... either way, it was time to sort things out, once and for all.
"Can... can you tell him that I need to see him when he gets back? Is it okay if I wait in his room? I want to make sure we have privacy", said Hermione.
"Of course. But listen... he's not in the best place right now. I'm pretty sure he's using a Dux Memoriae like me, so... go easy on him, alright?" said Harry.
Hermione nodded, swallowing desperately to hold back tears which were threatening to fall.
A Dux memoriae... Hermione had overheard Harry and Ron discussing using them a few weeks ago. In the wake of the war's end, a pair of absolutely brilliant wizards came out and announced that they had developed a modified sort of pensieve which would allow the user to experience not only the memories in question... but to experience the actual thoughts and feelings they felt at the time.
It was an ingenious invention and the makers insisted that the price be kept low, as in their words, "Everyone who's suffering now has the right to help themselves get past this. We just want to give them the tools".
Hermione already knew that Harry had one too and she supposed that she shouldn't be too surprised about the idea of Ron having one of his own. If she hadn't been spending so much time with her parents these days, she'd have sought one out herself.
Hermione quickly walked up the stairs to Ron's attic bedroom and took a seat on Ron's bed. She looked around the room, allowing herself to smile fondly. She'd never really given it much thought, but this room was so... Ron.
The Chudley Cannons poster on the wall, the fact that almost everything in the room was orange, the to-do list of simple things that Ron would most certainly need to remind himself to do... it filled her heart with a wave of affection for him.
However, something on Ron's desk caught her attention. It was a large, blue box. Narrowing her eyes in curiosity, Hermione walked up to it and found Harry's suspicions to be true. Emblazoned on the top side of the box were the words Dux Memoriae.
Hermione didn't know what made her do it, nor did she even remember when exactly she decided to inch her hands towards the box to open it up.
Inside, there were multiple aspects to the whole package. The bottom of the box held a basin which resembled a pensieve almost exactly, save for the liquid being deep blue, rather than silver, which as she read, was normal for a pensieve.
The underside of the lid held three sections which folded outwards of their own accord. Each section had a large bottle with clear, silvery liquid which Hermione knew to be Ron's memories.
These sections apparently, were Ron's idea, for on the instructions engraved on the side of the box, it explicitly stated to separate the memories the user extracted into categories of their choosing to help the user tackle one issue at a time. Hermione barely had time to marvel at the brilliance of the makers and how considerate they apparently were, for she found herself staring at the labels Ron had written out. Each section had a medium-sized bottle far larger than a normal memory bottle.
Looking at the instructions again, Hermione saw that they told Ron how to not only extract his memories, but also to arrange them in clusters relating to a topic of his choosing, so that he could view them in order like a movie and store all memories relating to one topic in one bottle.
On the left-hand side, the label was "Hogwarts/mad adventures". That made Hermione grin. That was clearly about the (in retrospect) crazy adventures that she, Ron and Harry had gone on whilst at Hogwarts.
The middle label wiped the smile off her face. "War" was its title. There was no mystery about that one either. They had seen far too many horrible things during the war for this not to be a possibility.
The label for the section on the right however, made Hermione gasp. Its title was "Hermione" and the liquid in this bottle seemed to swirl more erratically than the other two. Hermione had no idea what that meant, but she had a feeling that she wouldn't like whatever the reason was.
A seemingly invisible force made Hermione pick said bottle up and almost open it up and pour it into the basin, but when she caught her hand inching towards it, she stopped herself in horror. Would she really invade Ron's privacy on such an intimate level? Doing that without his express permission would likelybe the worst thing she would ever do to him! She almost dropped the bottle, fumbling with it and putting it back in its place, breathing rather heavily.
Hermione quickly sat back down on the bed, as far away from the box as she could get, trying to get her breath under control, letting the reality of the situation wash over her.
Ron needed an entire bottle of his memories of her to deal with whatever emotional stress he was dealing with. A bottle as big as the one he dedicated to the war...
Before she could properly unpack what this might mean, Ron himself entered the room and Hermione wanted nothing more than to disappear.
"Harry said you were-" Ron started, before noticing the open box. His eyes widened in horror and in two long, purposeful strides, he crossed the room to look more closely at the dux memoriae.
"No...Y-you didn't...", he gasped, his face now paler than Hermione had seen it since she had splinched him.
Hermione realised that this didn't look good. She was damn near hyperventilating and a box of his memories was wide open...
"N-no! Ron, I swear I never looked at them! I only opened the box, I promise!" she stammered, hoping... praying that he believed her.
Ron did visibly relax, but the panicked look did not leave his eyes.
"So err... what're you doing here?" he asked stiffly, his voice trembling slightly. Hermione winced. He'd never been so nervous talking to her.
"I... I wanted to come and speak to you. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you, but I decided that enough was enough and we need to have one very long... very overdue talk", said Hermione.
The panicked look finally left Ron's features and Hermione felt herself relax with him.
"Y-yeah... s'pose you're right. For a change", he said, his lips twitching upwards slightly. Hermione felt herself smiling too. "I'm sorry too... it takes both of us to not speak to each other properly for weeks, doesn't it?"
"It's alright", said Hermione softly.
"I can sort of guess what it is you need to talk about. The whole 'what are we exactly' question isn't it?" Ron asked. Hermione nodded.
"Well I... okay, no point in beating around the bush. When you snogged me during the battle I... fucking hell I can't even find words for it", said Ron, blushing. Hermione felt her heart hammering away faster than it had in weeks.
Neither can I. I really want to do it again. And again. Maybe four or five times a day for the rest of our lives... is that too much to ask?
"But it's not that simple, is it? I mean... we haven't spoken since we got your parents back. Not properly at least. I mean you've been around and all, but you wouldn't look at me if Harry or Ginny or George or... someone isn't around. I dunno what to think any more", said Ron.
"Just be honest with me. Whatever you say, I'll believe you and I won't judge you. I promise", said Hermione, leaning forwards slightly.
Ron sighed and sat down beside her, but he didn't look at her. In fact, he hid his face in his hands, his shoulders slumped and in that moment, Hermione could honestly say that she hadn't seen him so stressed before, save for those first few, horrible weeks in the tent. Ron mumbled something into his hands, but Hermione for the life of her, couldn't understand what he'd just said. It sounded like "mile you", which made no sense at all.
"Err... what?" Hermione asked.
"I love you", he said more loudly, though still not raising his head to look at her. "And I thought after what you did in the battle that something might happen but..." he trailed off.
Hermione was stunned, rooted to the spot. It took her ten agonising seconds to find her voice.
"But I avoided you", she said, softly.
Ron nodded, finally facing her. His eyes were shining with unshed tears which genuinely alarmed her. Ron had never cried in front of her... forget her, even Ginny said she hadn't seen Ron cry since he was seven!
However, Ron was determined to not break his streak and blinked them away.
"And I don't know what to think any more... Part of me is convinced that you don't want anything to do with me and then there's another part... and by another part, I mean Harry" Ron started and Hermione let out a laugh which came out sounding something like a sob, "that's trying to convince me that there's still some kind of hope", said Ron.
Hermione didn't bother blinking her tears away.
"But every time I've let myself hope for something, it's always stamped down!" Ron finished.
Hermione could see the effort it took for Ron to open up like that to her, but before she opened her mouth, Ron did so again... apparently, he'd opened the floodgates and he needed to get more off his chest.
"For the last four bloody years, I've been switching between thinking that you see me as some worthless ginger lump and trying to... to just...be better so you'd notice me... notice me properly I mean, but... fuck!" Ron shouted, his voice trembling with raw emotion.
Hermione removed her wand from her pocket with her trembling hand.
"M-muffiliato", she said, ensuring that no one would hear what else Ron or her may have to say.
"You think... you think you're... worthless?" Hermione asked, wiping the tears off her face. The efforts were futile however; her eyes were now streaming.
"What else am I supposed to think?" Ron asked dejectedly. If Hermione's heart was hammering away before, it was nothing on what it was doing now, but the time for words was over. She needed to show Ron that he was not worthless... that he was far from it... that he was the most wonderful man she knew.
Without thinking, she shifted from a seated position on Ron's bed to kneeling, leaned forward and gently placed her hand on his cheek to turn his face towards her. She didn't have to think about kissing him; it was the most natural thing in the world.
It was nowhere near as frantic as the time she jumped on him and snogged him in the middle of the battle; she was determined to put nothing but her overflowing emotions into this kiss. Ron, again, was in too much shock to do anything at all for the first three or four seconds, but did regain enough control of his actions to turn his body towards her and find his right hand tangled in her hair.
They pulled apart reluctantly, tears still streaming down Hermione's face.
"I've never been one to settle for second or third best", Hermione whispered.
Ron stared at her, clearly completely floored.
"I do love you Ron... I have for the longest time" she finished.
"Bloody hell... what the... bloody hell", Ron stammered, making Hermione give a watery chuckle.
"This err... changes things a bit", said Ron, regaining his composure.
"I should hope so!" said Hermione, wiping her tears away.
"So I uh... really want to spend the rest of the day snogging you but... I can't believe I'm saying this, but there's still a lot we need to talk about", said Ron.
Hermione smiled broadly at him and nodded.
"I guess I should ask... in your head at least... how did you see... us?" Ron asked.
Hermione thought for a moment. That... that was one hell of a question.
"I suppose... that depends on the year in question you're asking about. Our relationship seems to have been defined by our years at Hogwarts so far, doesn't it?" asked Hermione.
"I know. Go through all of them then, I've got time", said Ron.
Hermione smiled.
"Well... at the start of first year I'll admit that my opinion of you... Harry too of course, wasn't particularly high. But then you saved me from the troll. And of course I got to know you and... well... I just realised that the two of you, even though you were both a bit... abrasive, you were really very sweet at heart. Incredibly brave too of course", said Hermione.
Ron nodded thoughtfully. It seemed to be the answer he expected.
"Second year was more of the same. Plus, you can't imagine how proud of you and Harry I was when I found out you solved it!" said Hermione.
"You solved it. We just copied your notes again", said Ron, grinning at her. Hermione laughed, throwing her head back, finally remembering how good it felt to just laugh with Ron.
"I suppose you're right! Third year... well things were a bit rocky, weren't they? But looking back, the situation shouldn't be blamed on you or me alone, we were both being ridiculous, weren't we? Pets are wonderful and all but we didn't realise for so long that our friendship was bigger than that!" said Hermione. Ron furrowed his eyebrows.
"What?" Hermione asked.
"That might be what the situation was to you but to me... never mind, keep going", said Ron. Hermione frowned, but did as Ron asked.
"Alright... well when Sirius took you to the shrieking shack and you stood on a broken leg to defend Harry... that was it for me. I knew I was falling for you. You were only a fourteen year old boy and there you were, standing on a broken leg to protect your friend. Your actions matched your words, you were honest and just... so... brave!" said Hermione. Ron's ears were starting to go pink. A good sign for now.
"Fourth year was all over the place quite frankly. While I wasn't impressed when you and Harry stopped talking to each other, I did understand why... on both your ends. And the Yule Ball... God... at the time I'd already fancied you for months and the then we were screaming at each other... thankfully that didn't carry on though", said Hermione. Ron furrowed his eyebrows again. Was she wrong about more than she realised? Ron wasn't stopping her though, so she continued.
"The rest of the year was good though. We bickered here and there, but it wasn't anything to worry about. And fifth year... things were really good between us. Only some occasional bickering, but nothing painful at all really", said Hermione. This time however, Ron did interrupt.
"What? You think fifth year was - bloody hell Hermione, fifth year was fucking awful for me!" Ron exclaimed.
Hermione stopped dead in her tracks and her stomach dropped. Fifth year was awful for Ron? How had she not known? Immediately, Hermione began berating herself. She assumed she knew right by others as usual, but didn't stop to try and put herself in Ron's shoes- that was why he was frowning through her explanation of their relationship over the years. Clearly, fifth year was more pivotal and painful for Ron than it was for her...
"I... I'm sorry! I didn't know-" Hermione started. Ron took a deep breath.
"It's alright... I guess this is why I asked you that question in the first place. Keep going, I think I have an idea on what to do next" said Ron.
"O-okay... Well from my perspective, sixth year was obviously rather awful. By that time, I'd admitted to myself that you were more than someone I fancied a lot and I'd admitted that I was in love with you. When I smelled the amortentia... I smelled all the things I associated with you. The grass from the fields around your house... the parchment I used to write letters to you and... your hair", said Hermione.
"My... my hair?" Ron asked, going slightly pink. Hermione nodded.
"And... things at first were going well and I thought that maybe what I thought was a good fifth year might lead to a wonderful sixth year but you started being really cold to me in the leadup to the first Quidditch match and I thought I'd done something wrong and then... well Lavender happened", said Hermione, blushing fiercely.
"About that... listen Hermione, I went out with her for all the wrong reasons... I've apologised to her properly and all, but you need to know that I can't apologise for going out with her. I could only really apologise because of why I went out with her", said Ron.
It was a funny thing. A year ago, Ron saying that would've infuriated Hermione but now... now, it didn't anger her.
"That's okay Ron. And for my part, I'm sorry too. I was hurt, yes, but refusing to speak to you for months as if you'd cheated on me even though we weren't together... that was ridiculous. And the canaries... God, I can't believe I did that", said Hermione. Ron looked confused.
"I mean... it hurt a bit, but it wasn't all that bad", said Ron. Hermione's eyes widened.
"Yes it was! Ron, think of the times when I've hurt you... you have never raised a hand or wand to me! Even when I used those canaries, it would've been self-defence and you still didn't! Using violence on someone you love is inexcusable! And where does it end? If today I'm using canaries, tomorrow it'll be stunners! And after that... no! You can't let me get away with things like that! If i ever do something like that again, you should walk away!" said Hermione vehemently.
Ron looked slightly alarmed at the outburst and Hermione cleared her throat, forcing herself to calm down.
"Err... well... yes. So we were both in the wrong there and I wasn't particularly mature about the whole situation. But when you were poisoned... all I could think about was how you could've died with the last things I said to you being awful... the idea of you dying with me angry at you..." Hermione trailed off, shuddering.
"It was worse than that", Ron said quietly.
"W-worse?" Hermione asked, trembling.
"I'll show you in a minute, just keep going", said Ron. Show her? What did that mean?
Hermione didn't dwell however; she pushed on.
"When you held me at Dumbledore's funeral I felt like I hadn't been such an idiot for hoping after all... and everything between then and after we broke into the ministry... you were so wonderful!", said Hermione. Ron grimaced and Hermione knew why.
"And then we wore that locket... when you left... it felt like you'd taken my ability to smile with me. And so I lashed out at you when you came back... again", said Hermione, ashamedly.
"Okay, that I had to deserve", Ron mumbled.
"No", said Hermione firmly. "I mean what I said when it comes to violence. It's a line one should never cross", said Hermione.
"But we have to agree that was the worst thing I've ever done... by far", said Ron. Hermione looked at him and saw immediately that Ron hadn't even come close to forgiving himself yet... in spite of her and Harry forgiving him months ago. It made her want to cry again.
"After you came back though... you were amazing. While you were gone, Harry and I were useless! And then you came back and suddenly we were making progress again! And you were so good to me, even though I was horrible to you! You didn't even raise your voice or anything, even once!" said Hermione. Ron was blushing again.
"And of course... the battle happened and then I decided to act like a coward for three months, not speaking to you but... here we are", said Hermione.
"Here we are", Ron echoed softly, and the two of them fell into an uncomfortable silence.
"So... what now?" asked Hermione.
"Well... some of what you said I'd agree with completely. But honestly... I thought you understood the stuff I was going through a lot better than you really do", said Ron quietly and Hermione's eyes widened in shock.
"I'm not blaming you, it's not your fault! I guess I have this picture in my head of you just... understanding everything without trying", said Ron, sheepishly.
"I do try... I try really hard actually", said Hermione quietly and Ron smiled.
"I know... for what it's worth, I prefer that you try really hard and fail to you not trying at all and just understanding all of my feelings", said Ron and Hermione beamed at him.
"But..." Ron started, making Hermione's heart sink. "There are some things I think you really need to know about me. Some of that stuff you got wrong is really important for you to get right about me, you know?" Ron asked.
Hermione's initial panic was gone and she had to agree. If she was to enter a relationship with Ron, she wasn't going to make any more ridiculous mistakes that she could've easily avoided.
"Yes. So tell me, I have all day", said Hermione.
"Thing is... I'm not too good with words. I was about to use the dux memoriae today. To tell you the truth, I'd been feeling like utter shite all week, pretty much completely convinced that you thought I'm... well... nothing, so it was unavoidable", said Ron. Hermione opened her mouth to apologise, but Ron raised a hand.
"You just kissed me and told me you love me. I'd call that a decent mood lifter, wouldn't you?" he asked, grinning at her and Hermione allowed herself a small smile.
"No... what I'm saying is... well I've never used the thing before, but I was wondering... would you want to come into it with me?" Ron asked.
Hermione was floored. Ron was actually inviting her to see... not just see... but experience his memories, thoughts and feelings about her over the years. The bravery and trust that must've required... and he trusted her that much!
"You don't have to!" Ron added quickly. "It's just a thought, probably sounds a bit crazy and there's some stuff you'd probably never want to- mmph!"
Hermione was overcome with love for Ron and couldn't resist leaping at him and kissing him so hard that he fell backwards onto the bed. This time however, Ron responded very quickly and as Hermione lay on top of him, he wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her against him as their mouths moved together.
"You really have no idea how wonderful you are... do you?" Hermione whispered after pulling apart from Ron.
"I-well-I guess I'd believe you if you said so", said a dumbstruck Ron.
"Well I am saying so. I'm not letting you believe otherwise even if it kills me", said Hermione forcefully.
The way Ron was reacting gave Hermione a rather bittersweet feeling in her gut. He looked astonished and delighted which was obviously what she was going for. However, the fact that he was so shocked to hear something like that was just... wrong.
She had a nasty feeling that entering Ron's dux memoriae with him would show her the ways in which she had contributed to his insecurities, something she hadn't given as much thought as she'd ever wanted, owing to her mind being preoccupied with all the utter madness that seemed to follow Harry.
However, she knew that seeing and experiencing it was absolutely worth it if it gave her a stronger understanding of the stubborn, abrasive, foul-mouthed and utterly wonderful man holding her.
"I'll go in with you. Now if you want", said Hermione.
Ron grinned at her sheepishly as his stomach growled loudly and Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"Or perhaps after dinner"
