The pillow was sodden with tears, but she didn't move her head. Petra didn't think she could move her body. Maybe not ever again. She wasn't injured physically, but the pain…
She lay on her side, gazing at the castle window. Outside, there were stars. The moon. She could hear crickets off in the woods. The air here was so clean, the silence so complete. I love this, Levi had told her, lying with her in this bed after Erwin sent her along to assist Levi and his squad with the titan boy. Eren. Petra had been glad for time with her lover. They'd lain here, Petra on her side, Levi wrapped around her. It's quiet and clean here. Tch. The brat did a shitty job on the upstairs, though. Dusty.
Petra had come here one month before to help prepare Eren for his first mission as a member of the Survey Corps. She'd spent her days assisting Levi and Hange with experiments, or helping Eld, Gunther, Nifa, and Oruo with…
She began sobbing again. That wretched, full body sobbing that cramped her stomach. Two days ago, they went beyond the walls on their first mission with Eren.
Two days ago, they lost so many to that female titan creature.
They'd lost Eld. Gunther. Nifa. Oruo.
No no no no no please anything please I'll do anything no no.
Petra had lost friends before. She was known as 'the weeper', affectionately. She wasn't afraid to cry when a soldier was on their deathbed. She wasn't afraid to tend to them. 'Angel of the battlefield' someone once called her. 'The waterfall' Oruo had named her, which got him a jab to the ribs.
She had never known a world without Oruo. Their families had been neighbors. Since they'd been little, just toddling through the streets of Calaneth, they'd played together. They'd climbed rooftops, chased birds. They'd trained for the military together. Joined Levi's squad together.
They just hadn't been together when that squad had to protect Eren. And Oruo…
Tch. Quit nagging me, Petra. You're not my wife, y'know. That mocking smile he used to give her was fresh in her mind. He'd never give it again.
Petra couldn't remember much of the moment she'd seen all four of their bodies laid out on the grass. She had snippets; she remembered falling to her knees. She remembered screaming. She remembered people having to pull her to her feet and take her away. Flashes of Levi's grim face. His clear embarrassment. Here she was, aide to the Commander, a seasoned soldier, losing her mind in front of all the new recruits who'd just faced hell.
Nifa. They'd whispered together in the barracks. Nifa had loaned her a dress for the midwinter ball. They'd fought alongside one another so many times.
Nifa had died in Petra's place. They all knew it.
"Please give them back." Petra moaned the words into her pillow like a child, and that brought a fresh round of sobs.
She'd pulled the bloody sheet from Oruo's face and looked down on him. People looked so flat when they were dead. A shell. A shed skin. He shouldn't have gazed vacant at the sky like that. He should have been making faces and telling her to quit fussing. Her heart had pummeled her chest. She'd wanted to run fast, run as fast as she could and yell for Oruo. Maybe she could catch him. Maybe he was not gone yet. But she knew that wherever she went in this world, the highest mountain peak, the deepest part of the largest lake, she would never ever ever see him again. He was gone from her forever.
I don't know how to be me without you.
She hadn't been in love with Oruo. It just hadn't happened. But she had not realized how badly she needed him until she didn't have him anymore. Petra sobbed, clawing at the pillow and thinking of them.
Eld helping her oil and maintain her ODM.
Gunther quietly slipping her a heated satchel when she had her period and didn't want the guys to mock her.
Nifa showing her how to apply rouge, laughing when Petra made herself look like a clown.
Oruo sitting next to her on the roof, ten years old, saying that of course they had to stay together. Always.
They had all been more than comrades. They'd been family.
My family is gone.
Even though she still had her parents and siblings. And Levi.
The door to their room creaked open. Petra lay sprawled on the bed, her eyes bleary with the tears. She heard Levi walk over to the bed. He moved a bit gingerly; he'd fractured his ankle while fighting that female titan bitch.
Why didn't you get there sooner? Why didn't you save them?
She'd never said those words, but these last two nights he'd sat up in his office, or the kitchen. Couldn't sleep. He let her have her privacy to grieve.
They both knew what those unspoken words were.
"You missed the meeting," he said. Yes. Erwin and Eren and some other soldiers. Petra felt like the pathetic fainting damsel to have missed it. But after the way she'd started screaming after the first night, she'd been given some medicine. It made her sleepy. Foggy headed. She preferred the oblivion to the pain, though.
"Sorry," she mumbled.
"Don't be. Erwin understood. You'll need to catch up tomorrow, though. Some big plans over the next few days."
"Yes."
She felt him sit down on the mattress. She kept staring out the window into the cool night. This room had been a little paradise for them these last few weeks. After days of hard work, they'd had nights of play. Petra loved nothing more than falling asleep in Levi's arms, her naked skin against his, watching the shimmer of moonlight on the ceiling as he drowsed. He was such an insomniac that whenever she tired him out enough to fall asleep, she felt especially proud.
These last two nights, she'd slept alone.
"I'm sorry."
The words had been said. She shut her eyes; she wanted to go to sleep. Stay asleep.
"It wasn't your fault." The words she'd rehearsed in her mind. She had to say them. He hated himself enough in the day to day, she couldn't heap this on him. She said the words even if she wasn't sure she meant them.
Levi placed a hand on her side. She didn't react. Didn't move. She felt so heavy.
"I was going back for them—"
"You don't have to tell me."
"I want to." His voice was flat. Calm. Stoic. But she could feel the undercurrent of need. He needed to unburden himself. "I was going back for them, but Erwin had me replenish my gas and blades first. He suspected the female was still out there. Tch. Right as usual."
Petra felt a hot tear streak down her face. She'd been standing beside Erwin and Levi on that branch out in the giant forest. She'd helped try to clear the titans away from the female as they devoured her.
She'd missed that exchange between captain and commander.
"Okay."
"Honestly, even if I hadn't stopped to gas up, I don't think I'd have made it in time."
"Yes."
He said something he didn't truly mean in order to make her feel better. She did the same for him. The bed sank lower as he leaned over her.
"Petra. Look at me."
It was a command. The first he'd given her in days. She looked at him. His face was taut, his eyes burning.
"You believe me?" he asked.
"Yes."
His thin nostrils flared. "I want it out in the open. No good fixing a broken bone if you don't set it right. Do you believe me?"
"Yes," she said flatly. She gasped when he gripped her arms and hauled her to a sitting position. His gaze held hers. His hands squeezed.
"Tell me the truth. Do you believe me?"
"Yes," she hissed.
"Tell me the fucking truth."
She broke.
"Fine. They'd still be alive if you hadn't stopped for the fucking gas!" she barked. "There. There's the truth. Are you fucking happy?"
He let her go and she collapsed onto her side, weeping into her arms. God, she smelled awful. She hadn't bathed. She was filthy. She couldn't lift her head. She couldn't eat. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to be anywhere. Levi said nothing. She peered up at him, his image blurred with her tears. His hands were limp at his sides. He seemed so small.
And that broke her even harder. Petra reared up and grabbed his arms. She tried shaking him, but could barely move him. The man was a block of iron. She sobbed, her hair flopping in her face with the effort.
"Why don't you do anything? Huh? Why don't you just move?"
"What do you want me to do?" He was so icy. Petra screamed. It rang off the walls. She was afraid someone would come. Or maybe she hoped they would, so they could bear witness to her insanity.
"I want you to do something."
"Petra. No one can ever guess how things will work out."
It was that cold, practical voice again. The speech he gave after every loss. Except this time it was for the boys. For Nifa. For Oruo.
"Shut up."
"They did the best they could with the knowledge they had. We all did. And this is how things turned out."
"Shut up, shut up!" She tried shaking him again, but he crushed her against his body. She was held in firm place. He could break her in half if he wanted, but he only applied enough pressure to hold her.
"What can I do? What do you want me to do?" he snarled.
"I want you to give them back to me!" she wailed. That was the first time she saw Levi's expression shift from stoniness to something like heartbreak. The corners of his eyes tightened. His thin eyebrows lifted. His mouth became small. "I want them back. Give them back!" She rocked to and fro in his iron grip. "Give them back! Bring them back!"
"I can't," he said quietly. "Petra. Anything else." His voice wavered only slightly, but for him that was the same as weeping. "What else do you want?"
"Stop. Stop. Stop." She fell against his shoulder. "Make it stop. Please. Just make it stop."
"How?" he whispered into her hair.
"Make the pain stop. Make me feel something else." She looked at him through the ragged tangle of her hair. It was dirty. So was she. Levi hated all things dirty. But she saw something primal in his eyes. "Make it hurt," she rasped.
She wanted to replace one pain with another.
"Petra," he growled.
"Make it hurt so I can't feel," she said. Then, because Levi was fundamentally a good man who did not like to be too rough with her, Petra launched herself onto him. She clung to him, kissed him as hard as she could. His own iron resolve began to melt as she nipped at him, and he yowled when she bit him on the lip and drew blood. Petra reared back, crouched on the bed as he gazed at her in shock. She was an animal now. If the world was pain, she wanted pain on her own terms.
Finally, the walls around Levi crumbled. She saw in a flash the agony he was living in. He'd suffered as much as she had these last few days, but unlike her he had not indulged it. He'd suffered in silence. He'd been there when everyone needed him.
This was as much for him as for her.
With a cry, Levi threw her down. Petra bounced a little on the springs as he straddled her. He did not unbutton her clothes; he ripped them from her body. Petra squirmed under him, hot delight coursing in her veins as he tossed her ruined dress to the floor in a ball. He tore her underwear away as well. She was naked beneath him now, lying there helpless as he quickly unbuckled and unbuttoned his pants. He did not get naked, only released his cock and grabbed her by the hips. Petra struggled desperately, wanting to be joined. When Levi shoved inside of her, she cried out in real pain. She wasn't ready at all, and the first few thrusts were a deep, burning agony. She hadn't known discomfort like it since she'd had sex for the first time. And she wanted it. The pain released her.
"Make it hurt. Make it rough," she whispered through her teeth. Levi cried out and began thrusting as hard as he could, his fingers digging into her hips as he battered against her. Petra threw back her head, tears squeezing from her eyes at the pain.
Make it feel like rape.
She was free as he used her, finally free as he rammed into her again and again. Levi's eyes were wild, his gaze fixed firmly on where his body joined hers. Petra wasn't a woman tonight, or a lover. She was a receptacle for his lust. She was a warm body for him to fuck. That was good. It was what she wanted. It was oblivion.
Petra felt him move faster inside of her. Levi threw back his head, his teeth bared, his eyes fixed on some distant spot in the room. Maybe he was looking back out there into the forest, where he could have saved them if he'd just been faster…
He went faster and faster. Petra felt raw inside with his speed. She felt him stiffen, and then the surge as he came so hard inside of her she swore that it filled her. Petra moaned as she came, his ecstasy tipping her over the edge. After a few more shallow thrusts, Levi came to a stop. His back bent. He sighed, his eyes closed, a deep V furrowed between his brows. Petra shivered as he slid out of her. Her thighs felt chafed. She was sore deep inside. And she could not think of anything else but the pain.
It was wonderful.
With a groan, Levi fell on top of her. She lay there, entirely naked, his entirely clothed body atop hers. Petra wrapped her arms around him. She buried her face against his neck.
"I know," she whispered. Her chin quivered. "I know it wasn't your fault. You were just following orders." She squeezed him. "It was no one's fault but hers."
Levi breathed heavily. He shivered.
"All I could think," he said, hoarse, "was that if we weren't doing this, you'd have been in Nifa's place. And you'd be dead now."
He held her tighter than she could ever remember him holding her before.
"Every time we leave the walls, it could be you," he whispered.
"Or you," she offered, but they both knew it was less likely. She kissed his cheek. "It's not your fault, Levi. You did everything you could for them. I'm so sorry."
He gave a great, shuddering gasp. It was the closest he ever came to crying. They lay there, and after a while he rolled off of her and she cuddled close against him. She kissed him. She rubbed the back of his head in the way he liked best. Eventually, she felt him relax.
"You need to rest," Petra whispered. "You need to heal."
"Yeah." His mouth twitched. She kissed his lips. "Yeah."
"I'm sorry I said—"
"I know. I know."
She'd been half out of her mind. But now, while she was still in agony, at least she could see clearly again. There was that. He'd given that to her.
She helped him out of his clothes, and tenderly lay down with him in bed. They put out the candle. They lay in the moonlight. His hand stroked up and down her naked back.
"I just can't stop thinking," he grunted.
"Me neither," she said.
But eventually, mercifully, they both fell asleep.
Six weeks later
Levi Ackerman crept into the room, closed the door gently so he didn't rouse her. Petra was asleep in their bed, the bedclothes shoved down from where he'd got out before dawn to go running. He smiled as he gazed at the supple line of her naked back. She sighed in her sleep as he slid off his boots. Levi had run the entire perimeter of the barracks twice, letting the pounding of his heart and the burning pain in his legs soothe him as the dawn melted from cool gray to pinks and yellows. He'd showered hastily in the barracks, dressed, and was only stopping in to put on his uniform before the day properly began.
But first, the flowers.
He was a sentimental bitch. He was a sap. But he'd seen the wildflowers growing out of the cracked paving stones and he'd snagged them. They'd reminded him of Petra, bright orange and scrappy, fighting for space in a hard world.
Levi Ackerman padded to the bed and gently eased onto the mattress next to his girl. Petra sighed again as he kissed her bare shoulder, enjoying the light dusting of freckles. She tasted like soap, and subtly of sex. The perfect combination.
Levi Ackerman. Tch. Hard to believe he had a last name now. A family line. A history. He'd never really missed having those things, but it was a whole new identity. An entirely new set of clothes he wasn't yet comfortable in. It'd been a wild couple of months, no doubt. The female titan. The other titans in the 104th. The little matter of toppling a corrupt government and installing that brat Historia on the throne.
Kenny's death. Levi's name.
Through it all, at least he'd had her. She was his bright constant. His clean angel. Levi nuzzled at Petra's naked back, trailing a line of kisses until she groggily moaned, emerging from sleep. She sighed heavily as she rolled onto her back and blinked, her face a little puffy from sleep. But she smiled when she saw him.
"Morning, brat," he said.
"Mmm. Hello." She lifted her head and kissed him. He sank back onto the bed with her, enjoying the touch of her lips, her tongue. Wishing like hell it wasn't a long day ahead, because falling back into bed with her sounded like paradise. But he broke off the kiss, and frowned.
"You sleeping in again? Tch. I don't like layabouts. Think you can take it easy because you're Erwin's aide? Up." He clapped a hand on her thigh, shook her. Petra stretched and yawned, putting her lithe body on display. He appreciated that.
"Sorry. Tired. You kept me up last night." She smiled at him, sweet and sly. That kind of look turned his blood molten. Fuck, he had to get out of this bed before he got carried away.
"Yeah, and I was up at five ready to run. Get up. You miss breakfast, it's on your own lazy ass."
"Yes, sir." She pouted, knowing what that would do to him. He nipped at her mouth, then kissed her. Petra's hands cupped the back of his neck, brushed tenderly through his hair. These last few months, they'd always kept it professional outside this room. You wouldn't know they were together unless you paid close attention. But in here, Levi had learned to be affectionate. To give and receive. To touch without hesitation. To enjoy.
"Here." He laid the bundle of flowers on Petra's chest. He always, even now, got a little uneasy about giving her anything. The old feeling of 'what if she doesn't like it? what if she leaves?' which had been ingrained in him from childhood would return. But Petra's face lit up in delight as she brought the flowers to her nose and inhaled. Good. She liked them. "Just found them growing. You know. Er. They look like you."
Petra giggled. "I love them. Put them in the vase?"
He couldn't help smiling just a little as he poured water in the one little blue and white vase they had, then plumped the flowers. Levi was a world class bruiser, Humanity's Strongest, the grimmest, surliest man in the Corps, slayer of titans and former underground thug, but fuck if the little things didn't bring him such joy. Flowers on the table. The woven rug Petra had found to make their room cozier. Her in bed, naked, rubbing sleep from her eyes.
All the little domestic shit he never thought he'd ever experience. He loved every second of it.
"C'mon. Ass out of bed." He went to haul her up, a little routine that always made her giggle. But Levi stopped when he took another look at Petra. Frowning, he sat next to her. "Oi. Petra. You okay?"
The color had fled her face all of a sudden. Her lips in particular were nearly white. Sweat shone on her forehead, and she had her eyes squeezed shut. Petra began breathing slowly, but she squeezed his hand.
"Ah. It's okay. I feel dizzy when I wake up sometimes, that's all."
Levi had to force himself not to get tense. He'd watched his mother waste away in bed for months as a kid, so anytime anyone looked even a little sick he had an instinctive reaction towards horror.
"How long's this happened?" he asked gruffly. To that, Petra smiled a little.
"Relax. You know I have problems with anemia."
"Oh. Right."
The tension flooded right out of his body. Since the Survey Corps got such shit pay from the government, meat was a rarity, red meat especially. Some of them, like Petra, were prone to 'tired blood' as Kenny used to call it. Levi kissed her forehead.
"We got medicine for that?"
"Mmm. I need some tablets. They won't have them in the med, though. I'll need to go get some today." She sat up, still a little woozy as she clutched at his arm. "Let me get dressed. I'm sure the Commander will allow me to go before lunch."
"He'll allow you now," Levi grumbled. He nosed at her hair. It smelled of lilac. He loved the scent. "I'll tell Erwin. You just get dressed when you can and go to the doctor. Tch. Those scummy, shitty MPs probably get steak every night. Maybe I can put in a word with Zackley, get you some."
"I can't have some if the Corps can't," Petra said. She hugged him. "Though I love you for saying that."
"I never had this before." He rested his chin on her shoulder, kissed her neck. This intimacy. This contact. "I need you okay, brat."
"I'll get some leeks from the market on my way back," she said gently. "They have a lot of the good nutrients of red meat, and they're cheaper."
"Okay. Lie back down until you're steady. I'll go talk to Erwin."
"Levi. Wait."
That urgency in her voice, almost like panic…
"What?" He gripped her hands.
"I…I don't know." She nestled back into the pillow. "I love you," she whispered.
"Tch. Gave me a heart attack for that?" he grumbled before kissing her. "I love you," he whispered, like it was a secret he didn't want to get out. She giggled. There. If she was healthy and laughing, he could survive anything the world gave him. He'd faced Rod Reiss as a titan, all nine million feet of him, and felt nothing. Petra coughing? That scared the shit out of him.
Levi got up and quickly dressed in his uniform. He smirked when Petra ooh-ed and aah-ed and whistled as he got naked and stepped into his trousers, his boots, his harness.
"You're lucky I got somewhere to be," he growled, tying his cravat. "Or I'd have disciplined your ass. Twice."
"Maybe tonight?" She winked as he headed for the door.
"Get your tablets and we'll see."
Levi Ackerman closed the door on his own private heaven. He got rid of the last traces of his smile, and walked back into the world as the stone cold killer everyone needed him to be.
But inside, he was still smiling.
Petra studied the market stalls she passed on her way to the center of town. She eyed those leeks she'd mentioned, only two pennies each. If only the Corps was still in Calaneth, she could get Papa to give her some.
Petra had stopped feeling woozy shortly after Levi left. She walked through the streets of Trost feeling a strange, almost impossible calm. The sky was clear. The warmth of summer was at its peak. The streets smelled of manure and soup, a potent combination. Petra wrinkled her nose as she turned down a quiet lane and made her way to the doctor's door.
She knocked twice. An older woman with calm eyes and graying hair opened, and smiled.
"Come in," she said.
Petra removed her clothes with all the easy grace of a dance. She smiled as she thought of her little home with Levi. Captain Ackerman. Even though they'd agreed all those months ago that they would never marry, she'd found herself occasionally daydreaming of Petra Ackerman. Ugh. The incurable romantic, as ever. But really, she had all the joys of a wife, and some of the difficulties. He could be taciturn and crass, but then he brought her flowers. Most men would moan and cry about their lost freedom in being 'tied down' to a woman, but Levi looked absolutely blissful in domestic tranquility. Reading over reports together in the evening. Having tea after a long day. Lying in bed while Petra read one of her romantic novels, telling him the plot and laughing when he teased her. Lying in his arms, listening to his heart, feeling his hand smoothing her hair. Levi had been born into blood, darkness, and death. Tea and romance delighted him.
"Sit up," the doctor said, positioning herself between Petra's legs.
The big thing now was planning Shiganshina. The operation was coming up soon, and there was an almost ecstatic energy amongst the Corps. Petra had worked long hours at the Commander's side, coming up with plans. Preparing. Privately, she and Levi both had worried about Erwin. He was down an arm, after all. Most soldiers retired from the field after an injury like that. Petra knew how much the Commander's potential involvement aggrieved Levi especially. Maybe she could help talk to the Commander. He seemed to respect her, like her.
Soon Petra would ride out to Shiganshina alongside Levi and Hange and Eren and all the rest. She would be a proud soldier in the fight on the front lines for humanity. Even if she had to give her life, she'd give it gladly.
That was her destiny. Unchangeable.
Her whole body began to shake uncontrollably when the doctor had finished.
"Do you need some water?" the woman asked.
"No." Petra grinned at her, teeth chattering. Must be cold. "I-I'm anemic," she said.
Tears filled her eyes.
"You're pregnant." The doctor did not smile.
Petra began to sob.
