Chapter 20 – Truth
Edward
Fuck, my life. Then again, that phrase suddenly seemed so freaking wrong. I didn't want to fuck my anything, but Bella seemed to be hard pressed on convincing me otherwise.
Why did she have to keep kissing me?
Why did I have such a hard fucking time pushing her away?
Why did I feel like I was still on that spinning ride?
Fuck!
"That was a close call," Bella said, awkwardly, when we finally got off that stupid broken Ferris Wheel death trap. "I thought we were going to die there for a minute."
She moved like she was going to reach for my hand, so I took a not so subtle step away. In fact, I couldn't get away from her fast enough, and unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, she noticed.
"Why are you mad at me all of a sudden?"
"Mad? I'm not mad. I'm weirded the fuck out," I said honestly. A part of me wanted to ignore it and pretend it never happened, but we did that with the last kiss and it only lead to a repeat offense. I couldn't let it happen for a third time. I needed to ask her what the fuck was going on between us before I went insane. "Kissing myself is wrong on so many levels. Why the hell aren't you freaking out just as much?"
"It doesn't exactly feel like kissing myself," she admitted quietly. "It feels like kissing you."
"Which should be equally unappealing for you," I pointed out bitterly.
"Why would you say that?" she asked, looking legitimately baffled.
"Oh, come on. We aren't even friends, and I'm fairly certain I normally repulse you. In fact, isn't that what you told me when we first switched?"
She looked at me like I just slapped her across the face. "I know I haven't always been the nicest to you, but everything's different now. I thought… I thought, maybe when we switch back… I guess I just thought…"
"What? Just say whatever you want to say," I said, getting irritated by her incoherent mumbling.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay!" she said intensely. "I'm sorry for being a bitch before. I wish I could take it back. I just want to be your friend again. More than your friend. Edward, I… I like you. More than I've ever liked anyone."
Liked me? More than a friend?Like, romantically? She couldn't be fucking serious, could she? I mean, I guess it would explain the kissing, but to hear her actually say it out loud made it so beyond disturbing.
I still wasn't entirely used to Bella's facial muscles, so I had no idea what kind of expression I was wearing as a result of her horrifying declaration, but whatever it was, clearly upset her. She looked just about on the verge of tears, which only confused me even more.
"I don't understand," I told her honestly. "I mean, aside from the obvious turnoff of being in each other's bodies, I'm so far from your typical type. I wouldn't even think it's possible for you to actually like me in that way. It's laughable really."
"Laughable?"
"Seriously? This whole conversation is a joke, right? You've hated me since you learned what being cool meant, and now that I'm in your body, you suddenly like me? Talk about the biggest narcissist that ever lived."
She jerked away as if had just physically assaulted her, and I immediately regretted saying anything.
"Bella, come on, seriously. Are you messing with me right now?" I asked, trying to soften my tone to attempt to understand her better. "I'm sorry, I just… this is really weird. I don't know how to react."
"I know it's weird, but… it doesn't feel all that weird," she mumbled emotionally. "I mean, at least it didn't before now. The way we've touched each other. The things we've said..."
"The masturbation stuff?" I asked, sincerely trying to understand. "I thought it was just masturbation. That's what you said."
"I know that's what I said, and it was just that… until it wasn't."
"I really have no idea what you're talking about," I told her, frustrated. "Nothing is making any sense!"
"You're right, nothing has made sense since we switched, but that doesn't make it any less real. I thought you felt it too," she said as the tears spilled over her cheeks. "I thought you were the only one who could possibly understand what I was feeling, because I thought we were the same. I really thought we had a connection that went beyond all of this."
I shook my head in utter, unyielding befuddlement. What she was saying was preposterous. Our only connection was that we were wearing each other's bodies. It was skin deep, and nothing more. In our real lives, we were so far apart in absolutely everything we did that we may as well have been on different planets.
Even if I did have a thing for her, what good would admitting it do? In our current situation there was no way we could ever pursue it, and if we ever managed to switch back, we would have even less of a chance.
Bella was… Bella.
She had all the opportunity and means to do whatever the hell she wanted in life. We could be head over heels for each other, and still not have the ability to make it work. What could I ever offer her? A guy like me might excite her inner teen rebel, but that kind of thing never lasts long. It's not sustainable. It would only be a matter of time before slumming it with me got old. Not that I believed in forever anyway, but how could I ever recover from that?
How could I survive losing her?
I was afraid I already knew the answer to that, so I didn't want to even think about it. It was pointless. Whatever feelings I may or may not have for her, needed to stay right where they were. Buried.
I sighed. "You and I could never be the same," I told her slowly.
"Edward, I'm not asking you to be with me now, I'm just… asking if there is a chance that maybe after we're switched back…"
I didn't even realize my head was shaking side to side until her words cut off.
"All I want is for everything to go back to the way they were before," I told her as gently as possible. "I mean, we don't have to hate each other, but anything beyond that just doesn't make sense for us."
The pain radiating from her eyes was honestly gutting, but I couldn't take it back. She needed to understand that we could never cross that line, no matter what.
Somehow, she got ahold of her emotions, and then nodded. "You're right. I'm just being stupid," she said, sounding resolved. "Forget I said anything at all."
"Bella, I'm not trying to hurt you," I murmured. "I just… I told you I don't believe it all that romance stuff anyway, remember? I just don't feel…"
"It's fine!" she cut me off. "Let's just drop it now. We should hurry. I'm sure Mom and Dr. Cullen are wondering where we are."
We walked side by side towards our rendezvous location, but I never felt more distant from her. It was like when she ditched me all those years ago, but entirely worse. I was the one hurt before, and I could honestly say, being the one doing the hurting was somehow infinitely more painful. I didn't want to hurt her; I didn't want to hurt anyone, but least of all, her. I just didn't see any way around it. As if things weren't complicated enough already, this strain between us was the last thing we needed.
"There you guys are. Have fun?" Mom asked when we approached them.
"We've been waiting here for like a half hour," Emmett grumbled.
"Sorry, the ride we were on broke. We were stuck for a bit," I explained.
"Everything okay, baby?" Mom asked Bella all concerned, while reaching up and stroking her face. Her sudden concern for my emotional wellbeing just kind of pissed me off. She never cared before when I was upset.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just a little shaken from being stuck so high," Bella told her, sounding very unlike me. If my mom was ever the mom she should have been, she would have known I would have never respond like that. I wasn't scared of shit, and I was slightly embarrassed by the way Emmett was looking at Bella, wearing my body, like I was some kind of fucking wussy. Not that I really cared what that oaf thought, but it still rubbed me the wrong way.
"Well, it's probably best to get on home," Dr. Cullen suggested.
We rode home in a funky heavy silence, but it was coming from everyone, not just Bella and me. I sat in the very back with Bree, and even she was acting strange. Must have been a full moon or something.
Of course, only a few minutes before we turned onto the Cullen's Street, I felt little Bree's head slump onto my shoulder. I guess she was just tired from the late hour, but what the hell was everyone else's problem.
"I'm out," Emmett said the moment the car parked.
"You're not going anywhere, young man!" Dr. Cullen said sternly. "It is ten p.m.. The only place you are going, is bed."
"Bed?" he spat. "I haven't been to bed this early since I was nine!"
"Well, it will give you the opportunity to consider your actions. Now, go," he said, but stopped him long enough to pull his phone out of his hands.
"Hey!" Emmett protested.
The doc gave him a look, so Emmett shut up but stormed off towards his room.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause any issues," Mom whispered.
I shook my head incredulously. Figures she was behind it. The woman didn't know how to not stir up shit.
"It's not your fault," the doc replied, surprisingly gentle. If I didn't know any better, he almost looked at her affectionately. "He just doesn't adjust quickly to change."
She smiled at him. She fucking smiled! What the hell kind of game was she playing?
"Don't tell me you guys are flirting?" I blurted. I probably should have bit my fucking tongue, but after all that shit with Bella, I just didn't have the capability.
"Uh… we are friends," Doc said, seemingly taken aback by my harsh toned accusation.
"Well, I hope it stays that way. Trust me on this, you don't want to get tangled up with that one," I warned the doc. "It's only a matter of time until she sucks you dry and moves on to her next fix. That's just what she does."
Mom's mouth fell open in shock. She looked at me, then at Bella as if she expected her to say something to me. When Bella didn't respond, Mom's hurt eyes fell back to me.
"I think it's time you go home now," she said evenly, with a death glare that I had never seen from her before.
"Yeah, you're probably right," I grumbled.
Bella and I locked eyes for one, tortuously long moment. Whatever thoughts and emotions that were exchanged between us, were left painfully unspoken. When the moment finally passed, I turned and left, though, leaving the only two people that really mattered to me was harder than I had anticipated. My mother was sprinting towards another catastrophic fuck up, and Bella… well, Bella was still so maddening that she left my head spinning but I couldn't deny her importance, even to myself.
I knew I should go back and apologize to all of them, but I was too fucking stubborn, and perhaps an even bigger coward. I very well couldn't explain my words and actions when I didn't understand them myself. I sure as hell wasn't about to be all vulnerable and get emotional with them.
But if I was being honest and slightly less chicken shit, I'd tell Bella that she probably meant more to me than anyone else in the world ever had. I'd tell her I felt that connection too and I only lied before because I was scared and confused. I'd tell her we would figure everything out and I'd stop pushing her away all the time… but in the end, telling her all that was pointless.
Everything about our situation was so ridiculously pointless!
We didn't belong in each other's worlds, and as soon as we switched back, we would likely never have a reason to speak again. So, fuck it, and fuck her and her stupid snooty rich father, and friends, and a life that I could never even dream of competing with.
Just… fuck everyone!
Aimlessly, I headed into the dark street, and just walked. Everything had gone to shit, not that I was surprised. Everything always went to shit. At the very least, it wasn't raining, so there was that. No sooner did I complete that thought, the sky decided to give me a big 'fuck you' by releasing a torrential down pour. I hadn't noticed any clouds before that very moment, so I could only conclude the storm was isolated on top of me like one of those stupid cartoon sketches.
I must have walked in the pitch-black forest, in the rain, for a good forty minutes. There were multiple times when I thought I heard animals in the trees, as if I was being stalked by some kind of ruthless predator – if I could only be so lucky.
The first building I came across after that grueling trek, was the local stripper joint. It was the place where recent high school drop-outs commonly made a living dancing for their old dirty teachers and their fathers' sleazy buddies. Such a sick and twisted place that everyone knew about, but no one ever did anything to stop it. Probably because some of Forks' finest were amongst their best customers.
I knew going there, dressed in Bella's body, was a shitty idea, but at that point, I was soaked to the bone and beyond exhausted. The next building in that area was another half mile, and I couldn't bring myself to walk any farther.
I wasn't sure what I was planning on doing once I got inside there; I had nowhere to go anyway, so there was no point in calling anyone for a ride. I suppose my thought process was to just stay invisible and try to dry out a little. It was quite possibly the worst idea I ever had…
"Well, look what we have here. Seems you're lost, little lady," some sleaze bag said as he walked past and noticed me cowering in the corner. "The stage is that way. I like the wet thing, by the way. I'll be throwing my dollars your way… unless, that is, you want a private room. I pay really well for my lap dances."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Aren't you one of the high school administrators?"
He leaned in to get a closer look at me. "Miss Swan? Why, I heard you were missing. Your father has been frantic." He chuckled darkly. "I guess he never thought to look here. His loss is definitely our gain."
"I'm seventeen, fucktard!" I snapped at him.
"My usual favorite here is only fifteen. What's your point? Ain't no law against looking."
I had no idea if he was right about the law or not; all I knew was that he was a fucking creep, and his comment only triggered something in me that had been brewing for far too long.
I attacked him.
Hard.
The next thing I knew, I was being pulled off of the bloodied perv. I must have underestimated the strength of my girly claws, because his face was totally wrecked. He didn't even care about the possible legal ramifications for himself; he demanded the cops being called and an ambulance.
When the police showed, I was taken down to the station, while my so-called victim was sent to the hospital. As soon as the authorities learned my body's identity, however, their shady protection of the town's dirty slime-bags, abruptly shifted to the very rich man's daughter. In a corrupt station like Forks P.D., money was the more powerful than sex, so I became their main priority.
"You won't ever have to worry about that guy again," the chief assured me. "Your dad is on his way to pick you up."
I internally groaned. I'd rather be back with the pervs than with Mr. Swan at his fucking prison mansion.
As I sat there in the police station lobby, waiting for Bella's father, I kept looking around, trying to come up with a plan to escape. I didn't think fast enough.
"Bella?" Charles said as he raced into the building. The panic in his eyes was shocking; I had expected nothing but anger. "Thank God," he said when he saw me. He pulled me into his arms, and a weird feeling washed over me. Was it comfort? Relief? Safety? I had no idea, but it was certainly mind boggling.
"Are you okay?" he asked as he held me at arm's length to get a better look at me. When all I could do was nod, he brushed his hands over my face and down to my shoulders, before pulling me back in and kissing my head. I honestly meant to push him away, but for whatever reason, I couldn't. I never felt that paternal protectiveness before, and in that moment, I seemed to be powerless against it.
After a few more beats, he let me go so he could take off his jacket, and then he wrapped it around me. "Let's get you home," he murmured.
During the drive there, I expected some kind of long-winded lecture and a coinciding punishment, but it didn't happen. All he was, was grateful.
"Bella… I can't tell you how sorry I am," he said, emotionally, as he drove. "I should have listened to you when you said you didn't want to go to Julliard. I shouldn't have insisted. I don't understand it, but that's my problem, not yours. I pushed you into running away, and I can't even… I can't even imagine what could have happened to you."
I didn't know how to respond, so I just didn't. I didn't say anything at all. Instead, I just sat there silently as he cried.
When we finally got to the house, I bolted up to Bella's room, and thankfully, he didn't follow me. I got into the shower and just let the warm water slowly defrost my frozen body. I wasn't sure how long I was in there for, but when I could hardly stand any more, I got out and went directly to bed. I didn't even bother dressing first.
The evening had been so traumatic that I completely forgot about my fortune teller wish until the next morning. The next morning, when I woke up still in Bella's naked body.
"Damn," I said out loud. I didn't really think it would work, but we had to try.
I wanted to call Bella, but I remembered she tossed her phone, and I had no idea where my latest burner went anyway.
I decided to just stay in bed, but I couldn't get Bella out of my mind. I still wasn't sure how I felt or how we would deal with it in the future, but I knew I needed to start with an apology.
As I continued to try to work through everything, my stupid fucking brain brought me back to the way Bella had touched me the last time we were together in that bed. She did it with such skilled precision that I knew I'd never be able to replicate it alone. I could be in her body for the rest of my life, and I'd never make myself feel as good as she had. Just the thought of it created a pulsating ache between my legs. It didn't help that I had her perfect body, lying here within reach.
There was no more denying that desire, so I attempted to emulate the way she did it before. Of course, the sensation didn't even come close to it, but I was able to get off enough to temporarily satisfy that need. I couldn't help but hope I could get her to do it again to me after I apologized.
I stayed in bed for a while longer, but I figured it was only a matter of time before Charles or one of the house keepers interrupted my climatic afterglow. So, I got dressed, and then clicked on the TV, hoping to drown out my incessant, weird-ass, deranged thoughts.
As I predicted, it wasn't long before there was a light knock on the door.
"Bella?" Charles's voice said softly from the other side. "Honey, listen, I know you're still upset, but I brought you some food. Please eat. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine; I'll just leave your food here."
He was quiet for a long time so I thought he left, but then…
"Bella… did that man hurt you? Has anyone hurt you? Can we talk? Honey, I just want to understand what's going on with you. You've been hanging out with different kids. That Masen boy… If this is just some teen rebellion thing, then it's fine, I'll be patient; I just need to know you haven't been hurt. I need to know you're going to be okay. Okay? Honey, please open the door."
There was a part of me that strangely wanted to believe him. That wanted to forgive him for the shit he tried pulling before, but that feeling just kind of pissed me off. I wasn't that forgiving. I wasn't like my mom who always got over shitty behavior from others with just a simple apology, only to leave myself open for that shitty behavior to repeat. What the hell was going on with me?
I wasn't ready to forgive, but I had a feeling he wasn't going to give up this time either. So, I decided to tell him the truth. What could I lose at that point anyway?
I opened the door. "I'm not Bella," I told him brazenly. "My name is Edward. We accidently switched bodies, and we have been trying to figure out how to switch back. That's where I was this weekend. We went to the fair to wish to be switched back at the fortune teller machine, but I guess it didn't work. Maybe you can use some of your shit loads of money to take us to a witch doctor or something."
He stared at me without an ounce of faith in my words, which was unsurprising.
"I'm not lying to you, so if you're standing there waiting for some kind of punch line, it's not coming."
"Bella… whatever you are going through…"
"I just told you what I'm going through," I cut him off. "That Masen boy, as you called me, was actually your daughter. We switched places. We're pretty sure it was caused by some Native American bracelets we both had, but mine is missing, so I guess we are stuck like this indefinitely. I can play piano. Your daughter can't. I don't want to go to Julliard, because if we ever find a way to switch back, she would be fucking clueless there. That's the truth, take it or leave it."
"Bella, maybe it's time to see Dr. Allister. I can have him come to the house."
"Is that some kind of shrink?" I questioned.
"You know who he is, Bella. He helped you when your mother died, I'm sure he can help you again."
"And what will he do to me if I tell him that same story? Recommend a psych ward? Because I promise you, I will tell him that same story, and I'll keep telling him it until I'm dead, because it's the truth. So, unless you plan to have me committed, there is no point in bringing in a shrink."
"Bella, I don't know how to help you," he said, getting emotional again. "Tell me how to help you."
"Just leave me alone, and let me handle it," I said evenly.
He stared me down for a minute, then nodded, and thankfully, left me alone.
I spent the rest of the day in Bella's room, but I did take the food he brought. I was fucking starving and their chef certainly knew how to cook.
When Monday finally rolled back around, I returned to school, but that was when I realized the consequence of my coldness towards Bella…
"So… you guys get into a fight or something?" Jasper asked me when I ran into him on my way to first period.
"What do you mean?" I asked, unsure.
He gestured towards the area the popular kids usually marinated. I looked in that direction, and there I was, in all my bouffant and pea coat stupidity, surrounded by a bunch of twits and meatheads.
"Are you shitting me?" I asked with a sigh.
"She wouldn't even say hi to me when I saw her," Jasper told me. "What happened? We were all cool last time we saw each other."
I shook my head. "She's just mad at me. She'll get over it."
"I don't know. That death glare would say otherwise," he pointed out. Sure enough, Bella's stare at us was sharp enough to slice me in two.
"Yeah, it will be fine. I just need to apologize."
But things weren't fine. She refused to give me a chance, and her new/old friends made it virtually impossible to get close enough to even have a moment alone with her.
Fucking assholes!
Then again, I guess I was the asshole. I knew I fucking deserved it, now I just needed to figure out how to fix it…
