Chapter 7
If you didn't love me back.
The words Kate heard him say made no sense to her brain, never mind to her heart that felt such love for him she was often at a loss to find words enough for it.
"I guess you must feel free as a bird now," Rick went on, "not having to check what you say all the time or worry about slipping and spilling your big secret. Must be a relief."
She was instantly a whorl of a hundred emotions, but the sadness in finally having that missing piece of the puzzle placed in her hand, one she hadn't fathomed the size or weight of, eclipsed all the rest.
"Is that…no, Castle, it wasn't like that. No, don't, please listen," she said when he started to turn away. "That's really what you thought this whole time? You thought I didn't tell you I remembered what you said that day because I didn't feel the same way? Castle, I've loved you so much for so long, sometimes I can't remember when I didn't.
"You're the only thing in my life that's ever meant as much to me as getting justice for my mom, and I spent most of the past year talking to someone who helped me understand that I could admit that to myself, and to you, without feeling like I was betraying her. And I was so close to being able to tell you all of it, Castle. I wanted to tell you so badly, but then everything started to change, and I didn't know why."
She came closer but still he seemed far away.
"Say something, please," she pleaded when his silence grew too loud. "I don't want to have to try and guess what you're thinking anymore. Say you hate me. Say the sky is purple. Anything."
"If your ass hadn't called me this morning, I wouldn't be here right now," Rick came back with the air of a man who didn't appreciate how absurd the statement sounded outside of his own head.
In other words, pretty on the mark for the Richard Castle norm as Kate knew it.
Her eyes drifted with her confusion, but soon found their way back. "As usual, assume I have no idea what the hell you're talking about, Castle, and explain what that means."
Instead of explaining, he jumped three steps ahead. "I talked to Alexis the other day…one of the rare occasions she's graced me with her presence lately, not that I house her or feed her or that I'm footing the bill for her Ivy League education. None of that's relevant here, of course."
The restraint Kate exhibited in not flashing even the hint of a smile was award worthy. Though she recognized there was pain in the notes, the way he sang his frustration, his melancholy in such a wry tune comforted her.
"She told me I should give you a chance, that I should listen to what you had to say, but every time I thought about it, I ended up right back outside that interrogation room, and it made me so…god, Kate, I wish I hadn't been standing there. Anywhere else on Earth would've hurt less than being there."
"I wish that, too. I don't want to be someone that hurts you, Castle." Then, for the first time, she uncaged it and allowed it to stand on its own, aloud, absolute. "I love you."
Rick slid his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, curled his fingers into fists inside them-not the sort inspired by anger-as he sent his gaze down to his feet, nonchalant.
"You love me. Is that it?"
"Is that…?"
Confused was quickly becoming the Kate Beckett norm.
"I mean, what happened to the 'so much' part? You didn't say it this time, and given everything that's happened, I just want to make sure I have the facts straight, that's all. Which is it? Do you love me or do love me so much?"
Kate folded her arms across her chest, a gesture he deserved and one that sparked in her a welcome twinge of nostalgia. "At the moment, I'm not sure it's either."
"Let's play out the 'so much' idea for a sec. How much would that be exactly?"
It couldn't have been a more predictable question out of his mouth, but whatever was or wasn't certain at that point, and unspoken though it was, there was a shared sense that a corner had at the very least been turned, and that they'd somehow, some way turned it together.
"Do you really think you should be pushing your luck, Castle, after all of this, after you made such an idiotic assumption and then acted like such an ass?"
Rick cupped his hand behind his ear and leaned in toward her. "Hang on, you were mumbling just then. I must've missed the apology. Can you repeat that part?"
The space between them was already narrowed, unconsciously it seemed, and they now stood just a handful of feet apart. Their pull was always evident, some sort of seduction science initiated, and their hearts sustained. Even through the most severe of storms, it seemed that gravitation didn't weaken.
"Sometimes, when I close my eyes to sleep," Kate began of her own will with the tug of fear diminished, "I can still remember the way it felt when you kissed me." It was the rawest of truth. It was the leap from the cliff's edge she hadn't made so many times before. And then she took flight. "I think about you when you're standing next to me, and when you're far away. I think about you when we're apart, about how I can't wait to see you again, and you're the only man I've ever felt like myself with and wanted to be better for."
By the time she finished, the toes of their shoes were touching.
"That's how much so much is exactly," she said when a tiny sound escaped his lips, added saucily, "and that's only the tip of it."
Rick cleared the intoxication of her nearness from his throat so he could speak. "I guess as far as apologies go, that one didn't suck. For a beginning. I do think I'm going to need a bigger down payment, though, if I'm going to have to wait for the rest."
"Really." Kate mirrored his stance, buried her hands in her pockets. "Bigger how?"
"Well, I did fly all the way down here, and-"
"Uninvited and in the middle of the night," she cut in. "And the flight 'all the way down here' is, like, an hour, Castle."
Rick flipped his wrist and glanced at his watch. "It's 9:17 p.m. That's hardly the middle of the night, and by your own admission, you were probably thinking about me anyway. I'd say my showing up was a gift. You're welcome."
It exasperated her how sexy she found his smugness in that moment, but it was her own fault for putting herself so close she could feel the warmth of him, the lure of his stare.
"I still might return it," Kate bantered. "Bigger how?"
A smile crept into his eyes.
"I'll be a good sport and graciously accept what I've been given so far, but you have to be the one to kiss me this time, and I'm talking a kiss that makes me hear a symphony, a kiss that buckles my knees and makes my-"
"Oh, for crying out loud," she sighed and went for him with her whole weight, nearly knocking them both to the floor.
Luckily, despite the abruptness of the pounce, Rick was able to catch their coupled balance and lift her, secure her legs around his waist. Shuffling toward the nearest wall, he steadied her back up against it, her thighs still cinched, their mouths still joined, where they played for several minutes until she eventually grabbed his hair in a fist and tugged.
"Your belt buckle is pinching me, Castle," she panted, then dipped in to kiss him again.
"Okay, okay, I can put you down. Just don't be mad at me for…it's biology. I can't help it."
His hair was still closed in her fingers when their eyes met.
"That's not what I meant," Kate said and waited for him to catch up. "End of the hall."
Her bedroom was at the end of the hall. That's where they went.
xxxx
Kate spent most Saturday mornings working out in the gym facility her apartment building afforded, but there wasn't need for it that morning. She'd already had enough exercise to hold her over for a host of Saturdays, and then some.
What happened between them in that bedroom across those hours was more than the satiation of a single night's craving. It was a feast to satisfy a four-year hunger, and it thoroughly filled them both.
"Please tell me I don't have to move all day." Rick angled to kiss the top of her head, which she had perched on his chest. "And if I ask you again tomorrow morning, please don't think less of me."
Kate's body twitched with a silent giggle.
"We can order in," she assured him. "The lemons and crackers I have probably won't cut it."
"Not with all the calories we burned last night." He couldn't have sounded prouder of himself. "Jesus, imagine the six-pack I'd have if we did that every day. I'd never have to go to the gym."
She propped up onto her elbow. "Seriously, Castle, have you ever even set foot in a gym?" Not that she had any complaints. Toying with him was simply a morning-after bonus.
"I gotta say, kinda snotty for a gal with three shiny, new orgasms in her pocket. The apologies you owe me sure are adding up, Detective."
Kate pressed her lips to the spot where her head had been. "I'm not a detective anymore."
"Oh, right. Old habits. That one's going to be a tough one to break. So, what do I call you now? Honey bunny? Sweetie pie? Sugar lips? Beckett it is," he said when she gave him a bit of the eye business. "Speaking of old habits, do you at least have coffee in this joint I can bring you?"
"I'm too busy to shop, I'm not an animal," she retorted and tumbled onto her back, allowing him the freedom to get up.
Rick slid on his boxers, hobbled to the bedroom door-an act, mostly-and looked back over his shoulder.
"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever woken up to," he told her, no act at all.
A short time later, he returned with a mug in each hand and a lemon wedged between his ribs and his bicep. Already mussed when he left the room, his hair was now even more so, and his breaths deep and audible.
"Do I even want to ask?" She let her curious gaze wander over him. With her phone in hand, she was leaning upright in bed against a clump of pillows, the evergreen sweatshirt she wore the night before covering her once again.
"You do," he replied gladly, "so I can then tell you I had a sudden burst of energy and did a few dozen pushups in your kitchen while I waited for the coffee."
He climbed back into bed with a wince, reached down toward his foot.
"Is that what you did?"
"No. I just wanted to tell you that's what I did. It has a better ring to it than 'I stubbed my toe on the corner of your cabinets and hopped around in agony,' doesn't it? Just because I have you now doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to impress you. Oh, and I brought one of the lemons, in case desperation set in."
Kate tilted sideways and pushed in for a kiss, one more sweet than spicy.
"I missed you so much," she said. "Not just, I don't mean just now, I mean since…"
"I know what you meant." Rick let his forehead rest against hers. "I missed you, too, every minute of every day. Even when I didn't want to. Us, here, like this, is everything I've ever wanted. You're everything I've ever wanted."
She dipped her head and nuzzled it against his neck. There were few places she'd ever felt safer in all her life.
"How about you order me some food, and then I'll thank you for it until it gets here."
Rick reached with such haste for his phone on the nightstand, he went right over the edge of the bed.
xxxx
The day's light had journeyed its full arc across Kate's bedroom, and its warm, orange glow was now but a sliver passing through the far corner.
As Rick hoped, they didn't stray far from the bed that did quite right by the pair both new to it and to one another, certainly considering the full-scale test run they subjected it to.
"Are you happy?" Rick stroked his fingers through the hair at her temple again and again, her body curled into the crook of his arm. "With the job and being in D.C. Are you glad you decided to come?"
"I don't know," she answered honestly. "I've been going nonstop since I got here, I don't even think I've stopped to really think about it." She kissed his skin. "I'm happy you're here. When are you supposed to fly back, by the way?"
He reached over and touched his phone awake, noted the time.
"About three hours ago. Well, I wasn't sure you'd even talk to me, let alone do everything else you've done to me," he grinned when she jerked back. "I figured I'd probably end up in a hotel for the night and then be headed straight back. I must say, I much prefer the turndown service in this place to the Hilton's. If you're lucky, maybe I'll leave a naughty note on the comment card before I go."
Kate tucked back into her spot. "Since, apparently, I owe you this laundry list of apologies, are you going to make me pay you back for the hotel room you didn't use, too?"
"Um, yeah I am, if your paybacks are anything like your thank-yous. But, in all seriousness, I'll go back to New York whenever you want me to go back, or I'll stay for as long as you want me to stay. I know there's a lot we still need to talk about, but I don't want you to feel like there's any pressure, and I don't want to be in your way."
"Oh, yeah, since when?" she teased.
"It stings, but it's a fair point. It has felt strange," he shared after some thought, "working on Nikki Heat stuff without you there. I know I can pretty much write her in my sleep, and you've never really wanted to be involved, but for me it's always been us doing it together."
"Are you going to keep writing the books?"
Rick wove his fingers between hers, caressed her thumb with his.
"Are you kidding? I turned down James Bond for this hot cop of ours. I'm going to ride this pony until its legs fall off." Kate pinched him beneath the sheets. "Okay, I'll put it this way instead: I love you, I love Nikki, and I want both of you in my life for as long as you'll have me."
Without a word, she rolled away, climbed out of bed wearing only that evergreen zip-up, and crossed to the bathroom. From its open door came the sound of running water, and soon after Kate appeared again, her hair now gathered up off her neck, her body bare.
"I'm getting in the shower," she announced, letting her eyes do the rest before she tiptoed out of sight. In no time, Rick was standing at the shower door she left ajar for him, knowing he'd come.
He stepped inside and wrapped her up in his arms, held her as the hot water rained down.
"I wish I'd been able to tell you. We could've had all this time," Kate lamented, her forehead falling against his chest. "Are we really finally doing this?"
"Look at me. Hey." He cupped her face, angled it so she would. "I was scared, too, but I never would've forgiven myself if I'd lost you that day and never said it."
Rick reached down and lifted her hand to his heart.
"Tell me now." She did. "Do you feel that?" he asked of its quickened beat. "We're really finally doing this," he said and then slowly backed her up against the tile wall.
