Disclaimer: Harry Potter, and everything attached to the franchise, belongs to J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Press, Warner Bros, and whoever else she sold the rights to. This is just for the fandom to keep it alive in our hearts and imaginations.
Author's Note: This is my first story. It was supposed to be part of something bigger but I thought that it could also work as a short sweet story. I might add more snippets of how Harry/Hermione relationship could have deepened.
Help Wanted: I am just getting the hang out of fanfiction system to post so, if you have any comments or suggestions to get this better please write me TheWrter on Twitter. Also, I am flirting with accepting a challenge so if you want to promote your challenge send me a message.
Comfortable being Alone
Hermione woke up to the sound of quiet sobs, for an instant she thought they might have been hers. They had settled the tent too close to the lake and she could hear the lapping of the water on pebbles. The crying was so soft that it got lost from time to time among the waves. Her tears had dried a few hours ago, it was Harry who cried.
He was speaking in broken words through his dreams and his face shinned under the moon with trails of tears. The tent became silent as she sat, unsure if he would reject her if she went to him. Lately he pushed everyone and everything away in anger.
She had fallen asleep on the beaten couch where just a few nights ago Ron had been trying to coax her into playing a game of magical chess while she re-read the Three Brother's Tale. Her neck ached from sleeping in an uncomfortable position, her feet were cold and she could feel the dryness building in her throat after another night of hopelessly crying for the redhead to come back.
"Hermione...no...please…no...Ron" Harry spoke in a desperate voice. His nightmares were worsening with every day they spent in the wilderness. He denied it every time she asked but she couldn't believe his half smile and wavering eyes.
She got up slowly, never taking her eyes off of him. She searched his tense body to make sure this wasn't more than a nightmare. Suddenly, her sight landed on the cursed locket that had brought such unhappiness to her life. It wasn't just the locket, it was the war, her absent parents and Voldemort. It was always Voldemort in the end.
The moon was high above the silent forest but everything seemed a little too dark. The shadows swallowed every light. Even the thoughts in her mind had been obscured by the recent events. In the darkness, doubt sneaked into her thoughts and she felt hopeless. It had been naive to think three young students would be able to outsmart one of the most powerful evil wizards in history with a tent and a book of fairytales. Many things around Harry made her feel hopeless lately, but she tried to stay strong. In return, he tried to sulk less than he normally would. It made their lives bearable in the silence that Ron had left behind.
She had decided to wait for Ron in the same place, in case he returned. Harry had silently agreed, and had stayed away. His quiet anger gave her space to cry her heart out the second night the boy she loved failed to appear. The remaining parts of the trio had been swallowed by sadness and frustration, and there had been no time to speculate about where the Sword of Gryffindor might be. They were still taking turns on wearing the locket...but it got heavier each day.
Hermione made a beeline to Harry's cot, only guided by the moonlight. His eyes opened to catch her feminine body hovering over him, reminding him of another witch with wild hari and cruel eyes. Just as fast, his wand pointed straight to her heart. Time froze while their breathing pattern struggled to synchronize. The long time friends became strangers for an instant before his pupil's grew in recognition.
"Hermione?" She reached for his wand hand in response and his body relaxed. She hid her expression behind the mass of curls that obscured her face. Her distant atmosphere gave him an excuse to close his eyes to clear his head from the nightmare. They stayed like that for a moment, recognizing each other.
His hand was warm, but she wasn't sure if it was because of his nightmares or if he was ill. She didn't know, and that was a very strange and troubling feeling. She had not known many things since this fruitless hunt had started. Having worked for a reputation as a Know-It-All most of her life, not knowing things was an experience she didn't enjoy. Although, truthfully, there were many things that she didn't want to understand or to know about...but she would never say it. Her lower lip suffered the prolonged stillness between wizard and witch as her teeth sank into it.
He lowered his wand and threw it to the messy cot. She let her hand fall limp to her side. Harry opened his eyes slowly, they were shining, this time with relief. The hand that had abandoned his wand reached slowly for Hermione. His fingers barely touched her hair before he retreated. A dull green met her questioning gaze.
"Hermione? Is there something wrong?" His voice still sounded strained from the nightmares. She could tell that he was trying to create even more distance between them but it wasn't working. There was no one else left who could understand her pain.
"Is something…?" Her voice, usually clear, was barely a whisper. She left out a mirthless laugh. How things had changed between them, it was usually her who had to ask for him to talk. Now, there was nothing she could say. "No Harry, it's not just something, it's all of it…everything is wrong." The worry in Harry's face became more obvious as she fell silent. The witch couldn't help feeling guilty for deepening his frown. They were both very tired.
"You're crying." He whispered. She had not noticed but her face had become wet. Her hands jerkily removed her hair from her face and dried her tears. "Someone has to." Their eyes met, there was nothing else they could say without altering the careful balance constructed after years of living together as friends. After everything that had been broken with Ron, she walked on her tips. "I thought you were too angry to notice." She said, daring to express what she felt clearly.
Harry, still frowning, lilted his head in confussion and Hermione knew this had been probably a mistake. She was about to leave the side of his cot when the young wizard's fingers gently anchored her to the mattress before she had a chance to escape. Harry made space for her and gently coaxed her to lay in his arms. She was so tired and lonely that it only took a light touch for her to give in. As she settled into his embrace in the small bed, shyness and insecurity radiated from his body. Harry didn't know much about physical affection and she wasn't as familiar with being hugged as she was with hugging. They didn't match well in this position, but it was all they had.
It had been so long since she had received proper comfort that she wasn't even sure she knew how it felt to be hugged anymore. Ron had tried to awkwardly put his arm around her during Bill's wedding but it could hardly have been described as a hug. Her parents...she would rather not think about them.
A loud sob escaped her chest while Harry's cotton shirt was stained by her tears. She could feel his body tense under her cheek to contain his already strained control over his emotions. Harry had never been comforting, encouraging perhaps and sometimes understanding, but he had only once before awkwardly attempted to make her feel better… and with little success. His nightmare still swam near the surface of his conscience, screams of pain still rang on his ear, but he ignored them. Hermione needed him, and after everything, this was the least he could do. They had to hold on to each other because there was nobody else. If she died too...
She sighted and her body shifted a little closer to him. One of his hands had found a comfortable space on her lower back and another was cradling her head full of curls to his chest. Hermione had stopped crying while thinking about how her life had turned out different than what she had expected and how useless it all seemed now. At least, she wasn't alone in this madness. Everything would be alright if she could only keep both of her friends alive. Then, maybe, everything would be forgiven. She needed to do something, but...
"Harry, what are we doing here?" She murmured onto his shoulder before trying to look at his eyes. He let her disentangle her body from his and laid on his back. She looked directly at him while supporting her weight with a hand over his chest, half laying over him. He remained still under her gaze because he wasn't sure how to answer. He looked away, avoiding the question.
She observed her friend from above. He had become very thin in the last moths, which accentuated his features. His hair was messy and longer than what she considered proper. No. This wasn't The-Boy-Who-Lived that the Witch Weekly displayed as the most desirable bacheloror, the Hero that a stupid prophecy had named as a saviour, this was Harry, just Harry. Even if he sometimes became the hero everyone thought he was, he deserved more happiness in his life.
"Harry?" She insisted, and he turned to look at her with a sigh. He inspected her face, just as she was doing with him. She was worryingly thin and looked unhappy. Ron's departure had taken a toll on her and he couldn't help feeling guilty for being part of the reason why their friend left. A scary thought whispered to his ear the possibility of Hermione leaving him too. His fear escaped his mind as a question laced with bitterness. "Are you leaving me too?" Her brown eyes focused on his with disbelief. "No! Why would you think that?" His question had hurt her. "I don't care whatever pitiful story that cursed necklace has made you believe, I won't back down on my promise." She added in an firm voice.
His jaw was tightly set and he was trying his best not to look at her accusingly. Harry couldn't help the suspicion that rushed to drown him, so she pressed harder. "Honestly Harry! Why would I ever leave you after all we've been through? After all these years? After all I've given up? Am I not your friend?" It hurt that he would think of her like that. He always jumped into conclusions, and she was tired of it. They were both so worn out.
That last comment got to him because he never asked for any of this. Without warning he shook her off of him and left the cot in frustration. "Don't fuck with me Hermione. Don't fuck with me! You know I hate it when people lie. Don't lie to me!" The air around them was charged with magic. "Why would you stay when you have the opportunity to have a good life without me? How am I supposed to keep the people I care about safe if I'm the one killing them? Do you like being hurt? Is that it?! Why don't you go back to your boyfriend, and leave me alone! I never asked for any of this!" He was shouting now and she hated it.
This was post-Sirius Harry, as she began calling him privately after the summer Dumbledore had ordered her and Ron not tell Harry anything about the Order. "Do you think that any of us asked for this? You are not the only one who has suffered Harry!" She was not in the mood to deal with this Harry, who tended to be angry and paranoid, but mostly afraid. "I know this is not you, but the influence of that locket talking. You won't scare me into leaving." She said as calmly as she could.
He paused in front of her sitting form on the cot and looked at her directly on the eye, like a wild animal who had been cornered. "But I am scared Hermione. I am scared...some Gryffindor I am." His voice was softer and full of regret. "I don't want to be without you but I can't protect you just like I couldn't protect anyone who ever tried to help me. I don't have a plan, I never do. You are the most intelligent witch I know...you know that leaving me gives you a better chance to live. You are my friend, and because of that I ask you to leave. You will die if you stay." He was being serious.
She got up from the bed, and carefully took a step towards him. Hermione spoke firmly. "Leave? Harry, I would never be able to live without you, or Ron, or Hogwarts. You don't scare me." She repeated before reaching for his hands. He held his guard and avoided her touch. He was visibly frustrated. "You know that I will die before this is over. You know I must die if we want to defeat him. I have to die to end this. Merlin Hermione! Don't make me do this. Leave before I hurt you like I did Ron and his family." All of his anger was gone and resignation was the only thing left. He was in tears now and he lightning bolt scar seemed more alive than ever. It made him look younger. They were both so young.
"You know what this scar means. What I am. We might have been able to pretend in front of Ron that this is not what we think it is, but Ron is not here anymore." His green eyes were pleading, but she refused to acknowledge what he was saying. "No, Harry. We will find a way, I know we will." Hermione shook her head stubbornly but she was crying too. "There is no "we" Hermione, it's always been just me." He said, and the words stabbed her.
"How can you be so blind?! I might have been in danger many times but you never made me follow you. I chose it Harry! I chose you as I choose hope! I can't go back on my word!" She declared refusing to give into despair. He became angry once more. A frown appeared on his brow, his eyes flashed with something she didn't recognize. "I never asked you to choose me. I am not one of your charity projects or something you can add to your resume. I am not one of your elfs. I don't need you." It was an almost-believable statement but she saw the desperation in him despite the unwavering tone of his voice. She didn't move. Harry growled.
"I don't want you with me. You don't understand anything, you don't know how I feel." He said in frustration while pulling his dark locks. The positions where truly reversed now. He talked about feelings, while she shouted. "If you won't leave, I'll do it." He said with a stony voice, but she was not responding. His face became hard, and his eyes avoided looking at her before turning around, escaping from her confronting gaze. With matching stubbornness she followed him as he started to summon his belonging and shoving them into his school trunk.
She did not stop him from packing immediately. Hermione could believe that he didn't want her there with him but she knew that it wasn't his place to decide where she should be in this war. He was being unreasonable and he knew it. She wasn't giving in to his deluded ideas of continuing without her, Morgana knew she was not that kind of witch. With a flick of her wand she blocked the exit from the tent and settled an anti-apparition charm. She gave him an unimpressed look and placed her hands on her hips while waiting for him to notice there was no way to leave.
"What are you going to do without me? Run to You-Know-Who and hope for the best?" Her brown eyes were determined and it angered him that she would assume he was hopeless without her. What is worse, he hated to think that it was true in more ways that he cared to admit. All of this was too new, and their relationship had somehow shifted from their usual loyal companionship to something...problematic. They had never been so close, and still so far. He wondered what a "normal" friendship, without an evil wizard trying to kill you every year, would be like. With that fleeting thought he became even more determined to leave, but her magic wouldn't budge. He took a few strides toward the exit of the tent, ignoring her daring stance, until he realized he couldn't leave.
"Let me go...you stupid...Mudblood." He spat at her without thinking. A look of horror replaced his angry and stubborn mask in an instant. Both stood frozen in the dark tent. With the dim light of the moonlight he saw her hold her breath and tried to take it back before the shock settled between them. "No, Hermione… I didn't mean it." He left his trunk fall to the floor and tried to approach her.
The dry sound of a slap cut any apology that was about to leave his lips. The pale skin of his left cheek quickly became red. Her eyes were icy. "Don't you dare insult me ever again with that word Harry Potter. Not everything is about you or what you want. This is not only your fight. It is mine, Ron's, Neville's, and of any magical being who believes there is something more to hope for. We have all lost something, you are not the only one who is scared." All of her body language demanded his attention. Her shoulders were squared. Only the slight tremble of her lip (which she quickly stopped with a sharp bite) and her watery eyes betrayed the emotions bottled up inside her.
"My parents are gone Harry. Ron is gone. I have nothing left but this fight if I want a chance to get them back. You are my best friend and I can't lose you too. Don't make me do this on my own because, I promise you will regret it just like you will regret ever daring to call me a Mudblood." The atmosphere was thick. It was her way of giving him an ultimatum. Many times before she had been cast aside, and it was hard not to wonder if this would be one more of those times. With no warning, he rose his wand at her once more, and she glared at him.
"I don't want to do this either, but you don't know what you are asking for Hermione. You don't understand what it is like for me." His voice was almost cruel and she didn't know how to reach him. "Everyone is better off without me while he is out there. He won't be satisfied until I die and everyone that means anything to me is dead." She could see that he was serious, and it made her insecure. She had witnessed Harry being different levels of depressed or angry before, but never hopeless. He had never raised his wand as a weapon against her either, but he now did both. "Get away from me, or I'll make you." His wand hand trembled. He looked very much like a scared cat that had been cornered
She quickly rose her wand and disarmed him. "Expelliarmus!" The angry witch succeeded at leaving the wizard unarmed, he was not focused. "Fine, if I don't understand then show me what it is like for you." She had had enough of this. "You don't get to treat me like I am a naive child who doesn't know what she is choosing, if you refuse to let me into your life to know what I am betting for." She wouldn't give him up this easily. Hermione had made him her friend, whether he wanted her or not, the night he had saved her life from the troll. Still, a tiny shard of rejection had graced her heart. "Show me how it is for you so you don't have to carry this burden alone." Fighting with Harry always hurt deeper than fighting with Ron did because he understood her better. While Ron insulted her, Harry ignored her and that hurt her the most. She wouldn't give in this time, he would listen. Slowly, she reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Please."
Harry remained quiet for what seemed like an eternity, until, to her surprise, he returned the gesture. His fingers interlaced with hers, before letting go. "Alright. Just promise me you won't die...I wouldn't be able to bare it." She was not satisfied, but accepted the new agreement by cradling his face in her hands and supporting her forehead on his. He leaned into her embrace and inhaled her scent. His arms came around her bringing her closer to his chest and she allowed it. "You know that is not what I meant Harry, you never share your feelings with Ron and I, not even with Ginny." He exhaled. "You don't either Hermione. I can tell something is wrong, but you never out right say it...and I...I'm not good at this." He spoke softly. Color rose to her face as she realized the truth behind his words, she barely talked about her life outside of Hogwarts and there were many things she had not shared with him and Ron. "If I've learned anything about this, about family, I learned it from you guys." It was hard to share with them when they barely had time for something else than survival. One of his hands softly caressed her curls while the other made small circles on her back. "I wish you stayed somewhere safe. Ron is right. I don't know what to do and I don't want you to die because of me." The Harry she had known since they were children, was still there somewhere. There was still hope that someday they'd be together and happy again. At least, that is what Hermione tried to tell herself. "Promise me that you'll survive, even if it is without me." The young wizard insisted, oblivious of her thoughts.
"Harry, nothing will happen to you." Hermione answered in a whisper. "Just, promise me. Please." He said with a strained voice. They were friends, and they were together, nothing else mattered at the moment, so she nodded. "Thank you." He said because there was nothing else he could say, even if he wanted to. They stayed silent for a while, holding each other, not even bothered by the cold that was slowly seeping into their bodies. Both were lost in their thoughts and thinking of the possibilities of what could have been and what would come. "Promise me that you won't leave me." She requested in a barely audible voice, feeling a bit childish for asking that of him when there were so many things on his shoulders already. He left out a frustrated sigh at her request. "Hermione I..." She gave him a stern look that admitted no discussion. "Alright, I promise."
Rain started to fall outside, marking the end of their quarrel. They slowly separated and looked around avoiding each other's eyes, feeling a bit awkward. There was something in him that had not been there before but she couldn't quite put a name to it. She wanted to think it was hope, but knew better. Harry had always been a mystery and tonight had proved that there were many things she still didn't know about him. His eyes focused on her for a moment before dropping to the floor. "I'm sorry Hermione. I'm sorry I called you...you know." She closed the distance between them and gently traced her fingers across his bruised cheek. His attention returned to her. "I'm sorry I hit you." He placed his hand over hers and nuzzled against its warmth, surprising them both. He let her go, while blushing deeply, and her hand fell limply to her side no knowing how to react.
"It's getting colder." She pointed out lamely. "It is." He agreed, suddenly feeling embarrassed because of the liberties he had taken with her. A weak smile painted her lips and he anxiously reached to fix his non-existent glasses; they were somewhere around his sleeping space. "Good night then." She said before bolting to her bed preventing the questions that had formed in her brain to pop out.
"Good night Hermione." He answered to the night wondering if he would be able to live a simpler life some day. The rain continued to fall, just like the day Ron left, but Hermione wasn't crying anymore and he felt a little bit more alive.