I'll Live
I let the cheerful chatter wash over me, nodding along at the slight pauses, barely able to actually look at anyone inside the vehicle. Instead, I gazed out the window. Ash Tree Park passed by. There may have been a group at one of the baseball diamonds. Probably a few walkers on the trails. I wasn't too sure. Most of my mind was farther back.
Even as Kyla turned the wheel to take us out of Treetop Village, following Spike and Brandon's cars, my mind was still back there. I mean, I guess I should be glad Bonnie declared she was joining the outing today. Because she came marching in this morning, sharp disarming smile plastered on her face. I didn't expect much good coming out of it.
Except Paulina stepped in right after Bonnie.
Confused, panicked, uncertain. Somehow, I'd found myself being tugged outside. A much larger group than expected outside of my house. It'd already been too large for my comfort before today. Bonnie finding out, declaring she'd join us. Now there was Paulina and Star and Kyla and Cody. A crowd, many watching eyes and a pair of mouths cajoling that couldn't be turned down. My eyes had swept over everyone gathered, latching onto…
Danny had been staring at my house with astonishment, but I quickly looked away from him.
Overwhelming.
One thing too many to think too much on.
He was here. Would be here. All day. Near me. Forcing it to the forefront of my mind and I didn't want to think about it and all it entailed.
Before I knew it, we were at the mall. Kyla sunnily announced our reached destination as soon as she pulled into a parking spot. I swiveled my head from the window to look around and at everyone inside. Kyla quickly exited the vehicle shortly after her announcement. Bonnie and Star popped out, ready to go, Paulina too from the front. Valerie slid out from beside me to join them. If keeping herself a little distanced, hovering back, glancing back to me.
"Ashley?"
Head ducked to avoid hitting the ceiling, I mumbled in response and scooted out, sliding the van's door shut behind me.
I took in a deep breath, trying to steady and ready myself for the day.
Here we go.
"Okay. Mission rundown." Bonnie clapped her hands, apparently deciding to be the one in charge. Which got both Star and Valerie giving her matching looks, eyebrows raised. She waved them off. "Find one spectacular outfit for Ashley tonight, which we split costs as joint birthday gift. Coax the rest of our ragtag group into various states of nicer if at all possible while here. See about some nail details for us, if they can't fit all of us in, prioritize Ashley."
Startled, I made to open my mouth, but Bonnie made a slashing moment, her curls bouncing.
"Prioritize Ashley," she repeated. "Next. Food. What kind of food are you in the mood for or sounds good? Don't give us that anything will do, shrugging it off, saying whatever is fine. Snacks while we're at the mall are fine, but you're picking out the place and kind of meal before the performance. Give it."
I blinked at her demanding tone. Mind blank.
"But I'm really not—"
"Picky? Try again."
Mind scrambling, I thought about how we'd be here for what sounded like to be a good many hours. Everyone. Including Danny. I forced him out of my mind, letting my mind grasp onto the first viable option that appeared. All day. So. Something filling? Pasta?
"Um, does Olive Garden sound okay to—"
"To you? Don't ask us. Okay. Olive Garden it is. Lastly, make sure we arrive at the Ball in plenty of time, at least a half hour before. Any other missions to complete today?"
"Who put you in charge?" Valerie and Star chorused, matching tones and faces of aggravation, each with a hand on a jutted out hip. Kyla's face turned back and forth between the pair, eyes wide above her round cheeks, appearing uncertain and apprehensive. Huffing, Paulina shoved her way past them, solving the issue as either her or I tended to do when younger.
But in a completely different manner from then.
"Like either of you have any problem with Bonnie's outlined plan of the day. Please," she sneered and peered back at them over her shoulder. Her eyes flickered quickly to me, then back to them. Paulina adjusted the strap of her purse. "You both just take issue about not being the one to say it. If anyone has the right to say anything about anything today, it's Ashley."
I blinked. Unable to speak. This entire thing wasn't even my idea in the first place.
There was a moment of silence and then Star nodded. "Right." And caught up to Paulina.
Kyla breathed a sigh of relief, smiling brightly, jogging after them.
Bonnie's sigh on the other hand, came with a full rolling of her eyes and shaking her head. "She says knowing full well you likely won't." Bonnie's nose wrinkled at Paulina's back. "Oooh, and that tone!"
"I still hold to Paulina being so ready to kick me out was more to do with that." Valerie huffed from beside me. "Has she somehow gotten worse than what I was in sheer prideful attitude and thinking she's all that without me around? At the very least I've been working on that, while she's just… I didn't come off that insulting with my nose in my air to everyone, did I?"
Er. I blinked at Valerie's beseeching and hesitatingly curious eyes peering over at me. Paulina sounded more…annoyed about Valerie and Star possibly pipping up in complaints to Bonnie being in charge. Sure, Paulina's sense of pride and confidence had swelled since we were little, defiantly coming up to what Valerie and Star had going on then. But better or worse?
"Um, not to me? That I've seen or noticed?" I offered Valerie. "I think she was only annoyed about you and Star possibly going off into an argument about taking charge?"
Valerie's mouth shifted up on one side, thinking over how to take my words, then shrugged a shoulder. "I'll take it. And I guess she could have been."
Besides, things were going to rub and feel off, right? This was the first, besides sporadic group shots, which we'd all actually hung out together since end of fifth grade. Nothing for all of middle school and we were nearing the end of sophomore year. Nearly five years.
"She's so much worse. And better. Honestly, in recent days, Paulina goes in spurts of being the amped up worst version of herself and then back down to nearly decent." Bonnie's brown eyes slide over to me. I shifted my head, curious. "Star's pretty sure she's worked out the cause of it for the past month."
I stared, frowning.
The past month. What happened about a month ago?
"Forget it."
Bonnie shook her head and glanced back to see the others from today's outing grouping up with Paulina, Star, and Kyla. Spike stuck a hand up, palm in our direction, taller form slouching along with the rest. Head spinning, Danny's blue eyes found mine and he waved an arm wildly at me.
"Hey!"
Catching sight of him turning to race back toward us, I ducked my head and moved my feet to catch up with the huge group. Bonnie bounced up ahead of me. And I breathed a sigh of relief as I heard Danny's footsteps stutter to a stop. Not coming over to talk to me. I picked up my pace to catch up to the whole group. And heard Valerie chuckle at my side.
"What is with Danny being terrified of Bonnie? It's not like he's Dash or Zach who've gotten Bonnie's brand of nosiness and discovery fired at him. She likes Danny."
Because Danny is—
DON'T THINK ABOUT HIM.
It was easy.
Going along with them.
The guys kind of kept to the side, for the most part, offering a few reactions to what was shoved at me to try on. I didn't think too much. About yesterday, last night, this morning. Just went along with everything. Nodded along with the ferocity of Paulina, Star, Valerie, and Bonnie in getting the guys and Sam to spruce up their own outfits for later tonight. Cody gamely went along with it, asking me, the birthday girl, for my opinion on what got tossed in his direction.
"You looked good in what you came in."
Kyla nudged him with a broad grin. "See? I told you!"
Cody's responding smile at me was far more disarming than him asking me specifically for an opinion. A crinkling warmth at the corners of his sea green eyes coupled with his handsome features, the way I knew he was earnest. Nice, open, earnest in how he was everytime we were near. From him congratulating after the volleyball game, quick hellos passing in the hallway, a shared class, and him tagging along with Kyla toward our lunch table.
I felt something in my chest jolt up to the base of my throat.
Cute.
Mutely, I turned my attention to the steadfast holdout against any adjustments to their wardrobe. Sam. At least to any suggestions from the girls. At a suggestion from Spike, Sam's face brightened and dragged him off to another store, followed quickly by outrage and curiosity and amusement from the entire rest of the group. I trailed along, near the back and off to the side as people gave our overlarge group of teenagers making a racket. Attempts of putting a halt to it or laughter or egging Spike and Sam on.
Slowly, I edged back and left the store, finding a bench a little ways away to sit upon. And let out a huge whoosh of air. I needed the air, the time to breath. It was nice to be swept along and shove thoughts away for a time, but all of this was too much too. I needed space and quiet and, hopefully, think of nothing. Let my brain go blank. Vacant. Unoccupied. Empty.
Like, no no no.
Don't think of that comparison. Don't think of that. Either with Dad or Danny. Nothing from yesterday.
Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away…
Yeah. Right.
Well. I stood up from the bench, picking up the shopping bags with newly bought clothes—too much, really!—I headed for the next store down. If my head wanted to play music, that didn't seem like the worst option to drown out any other thoughts. Without everything that came with everyone in this big group birthday outing insisted upon for today and buying a nice outfit and making it a whole group thing of everyone dressing nice and setting up a hair and nail appointment and people who weren't even part of the original too large group planned and I should be at home if it wasn't for… It'd be even…
Sucking in a breath, I marched into the store, looking forward to digging through all the music inside. They usually had a small selection labeled as 'World Music' that wasn't all that bad. Perhaps I could find a new one to pick up today.
Cheered by the thought, I beelined my way over to that area.
And automatically shifted so I didn't have to catch sight of the 'Local Artists' selection right around the corner. Zeroed my sights right onto—oh!
Outgrow, the newest BoA album that I know came out a couple months ago in Japan was here. Hm. Should I? Flipping it over, I scanned the back, my feet turning about to the headphones lined up along the back wall behind me. At least I could give it a listen. Whether I bought it or not, Brandon would freak out.
"—about who I'd be with today."
"Really? Your sister knows her? Oh, this looks promising. I've not seen or heard any being local from albums I've listened to. Hopefully I can find a good one and one Ashley doesn't already have."
I froze at the familiar voice of Danny floating up from behind me.
Danny.
Danielle's words rattled piercingly in my brain.
My upper body twisted and my gaze lifted up, slowly and unwillingly and unable to stop, spotting Danny through a gap in the shelving.
The one person I really did not want to think about or get in a conversation with what I found out about him yesterday fresh in my—
Wait.
What did Danny say?
Not seen or heard any being local from the albums he's listened to?
"Katie doesn't really know her, more…knows of her. My little sister a big music person, been playing violin for ages and picked up piano, dabbling with the clarinet. Gone to the Institute for the past couple of years."
"Uh. Institute? Someplace for music, right? I've heard it mentioned by Brandon I think. Ashley's performance last night was spectacular. So what? She's like some sort of big deal at this Institute place?"
They went to the Institute?
"Well, yeah." The other voice drew it out, hesitating, but continued on. Cody? I think it was Cody with Danny. "But Katie went from freaking out about overhearing Ashley's last name to about zeroing in on me saying her birthday was today, completely los—"
I could feel the blood draining out of my face.
Don't say it!
Thankfully, Danny interrupted Cody.
"Hey, cool! This local guy has way more than a few albums and looks like he's a big deal! There's a whole sheet pinned up just for him here. 'A prolific composer-guitarist with a baritone voice, Jun was probably best known for creating the soundtrack to the historical based film 'Breach of Peace' about the Korean War which picked up multiple nominations and a couple awards.' Oh man, really? Cool!"
Nope! Nevermind! Not thankful! Not a good thing! They were in that section and of course there was a whole thing up!
I could see Danny's head turn from the gap.
"Yes, but hold up Danny. Do you n—"
"And he composed the soundtracks to…wow. That's a few different movies. And several of his pieces were used in other films. Let's see."
I need to get out of here. My head screamed. Feet! Move! Come on!
Unknowing to where I was or whom he was reading about, Danny continued reading.
"'Jun was known for collaborating with a number of other guitarists, players, and singers on his albums. Performances in and near Amity Park often included his wife and two daughters; particularly his eldest daughter who played piano and sang in a few pieces that appeared on several of Jun's albums. Before his passing, there was to be a new album release he was particularly excited for, but it ended up being delayed after his death and ultimately, not released.'"
Danny's voice paused in reading it all out loud, excitement waning.
Did they have his full name? Did. Was. Can't.
"Huh. He passed away two years ago yesterday. Barely 40. That's a shame. Seems like he was really something. I think I'll pick this one up for—"
Can't breathe.
Stumbling forward, I shoved the BoA album back into its section, my feet finally moving.
"Ashley? Oh, shoot! Hey, I didn't see—Ashley!"
Out.
Out, out, out, out, out.
Panting, I stopped outside of the store, wildly looking about as I heard Danny's voice calling behind me.
"Ashley! Hold up! Is something wrong?"
There was a moment I caught sight of the rest of the group exiting the next store over, Spike and Sam in the forefront with bags, satisfied smirks fading to confused frowns as they spotted me. One by one, everyone else turned their heads to see what was going on. Me. Unable to deal and freaking out.
I stared.
Then spun and sprinted away from all the eyes.
Ashley is back. And...not dealing with stuff. Or facing it. The whole time. Which, yeah, that checks out from her.
Oh Danny. Clueless, thoughtful, well-meaning Danny. Don't worry. None of the readers called it out either before now.
Glad to see a few follows and couple of favorites. And thank you to GhostHex and Violet-All-Along for reviewing!