Chapter 2: And I
(Queue 'Suffocate' by Elephant Music)
I
Can't breathe
Neeed…. Air….
I awoke to a terrifying darkness, festering with harsh lights and bright, flashing colors. It was beyond disorienting, almost sending me into shock.
I couldn't speak, couldn't move, could barely think. But something was filling inside of me, an emotion that burned within my core.
Rage.
UNDYING, UNSPEAKABLE RAGE.
Feeling the concentration of feral agony, I slowly felt my particles coming together, forming thoughts of pure will.
Crk.
A force, summoned by myself through pure thought. I had cleared out the smallest patch of space, but suddenly, I could feel my body forming, starting with my head and moving down my neck, to my torso.
The entire process was unimaginably painful; My particles were being ripped apart and put back together as I used everything I had to concentrate on keeping myself put together.
Slowly… slowly... Slowly…
Over time, I managed to force thoughts into my head- And this allowed me to enable myself physically…
"G-HUUUUUUUUHHHH!"
I gasped for air; It felt like I had been choking during all that time… Slowly, feeling came back to my hands, my feet, my knees, elbows, shoulders, waist, torso…
"Wh…"
I stared in shock at the wooden floorboards below me, my hands just barely keeping me from collapsing into unconsciousness…
I tried to look up-
"AAAH!"
Everything around me was indescribable; There was no shape to anything, no color except a piercing blackness that completely swallowed everything in sight, besides myself and the floorboards beneath me…
Beyond the void of nothing, I saw flashes of harsh lights, pulsing colors, unsettling shapes that looked as if they were breathing…
What the fuck was this place?!
Pushing my sheer panic aside, I felt a grim determination- It didn't matter where I was, only that I used what power I had to figure it out, and find a way out of here.
I looked down at my hand; It looked normal as before, though I had an existentially-unsettling feeling that it had not been that way this whole time. Had I… forced it into existence?
What a horrible thought… That I would have to continue whatever awful method that was earlier, of picturing and realizing myself and my surroundings into a physical space…
Seriously, what was this place?!
I shook my head, clearing my thoughts; I had no clue if the darkness would close in on me at any second. And so, summoning the courage to push forward, I began channeling my thoughts, trying to imagine my surroundings-
SCCCCCCHHHHRHRHRRRRRRRHRHHHRHRHRRRRR-
"HOLY SHIT!" I shouted, as an ear-piercing screeching nearly shattered my eardrums. I looked around me- I could see the void taking shape; More wooden floorboards, school desks neatly organized, a window that looked out into-
"Oh… my… God…."
(Queue 'Summoning' by Elephant Music)
I stared, helplessly, out at the vast expanse of emptiness outside that window; With the same pulsing colors, shapes, harsh lights and sounds that screeched, croaked, pierced and cracked. Sounds of distant voices, screaming and crying words and noises I couldn't make out.
It was the Screaming Void.
"Nah. This ain't real." I almost immediately asserted, rubbing my chin. At the moment, my mind was completely in denial; This was more so a very vivid dream to me than something I could actually take seriously. Then again, I couldn't blame myself, in that moment; No one rational would ever think this were reality.
No one.
"Fuck's sake." I muttered to myself in irritation. "I shouldn't have stayed up so late playing that game…"
I began clearing out the rest of the room I was in- which I quickly asserted was a classroom, the exact same one from the DDLC game.
"Though I have to admit," I thought aloud; I did this partly to assert my own existence, and partly to calm my panicking nerves. "This would be a really cool book idea. Maybe I should write one when I wake up..."
Finally, by the end of it, and much exhausting mental work, I had cleared out the entire room; To my confirmation, it was classroom that served as the setting for the club. I marveled at the sharpness and realness of everything; This was by far the most vivid dream I've ever had. I would be sure to document this phenomenon in some way; I only hoped I'd remember all of this when I did wake up.
I reached the back of the classroom, noticing a Japanese-style sliding door to my right. Tentatively, I opened it up-
Yep, more void. By this point, the fear had somewhat faded; Clearing away this darkness reminded me of weed-whacking when I mowed the front lawn of my house. This simple connection served to assuage my worries even more, and I went to work clearing it out.
A long hallway- Yep, where Yuri had… done that…. Thing. That I will not speak of.
"Huh?"
In the midst of my work, I noticed another sliding door, which was adjacent to the one I had just opened.
"Welp." I said simply. "Might as well explore."
And yet, even as I said that, there was an itching feeling in the back of my head; Even though this was a dream, why was I dreading the thought of encountering another thing here? Perhaps… for the sake of my heart not exploding out of fear, it might be better if I didn't run into anything unknown…
I opened the sliding door, and began clearing out the room of the darkness; It was a difficult job; And it's even more difficult to explain what it's like to create physical space. It wasn't as simple as waving my hand around to create that space; I had to physically imagine that space existed there, then reach my hand into the void and envision my will flowing through my arm, out of my fingers and into the empty space, creating some kind of matter.
"Oh?"
I found my hand had touched upon something black and sleek- A leg of a table? No… with more clearing, I discovered it to be a grand piano.
"OH, this is the piano room!" I said excitedly; An unusual reaction to being in a horrifying setting such as this. And yet, the familiarity of it all, as well as an understanding that I was a human being that lived in a real world, helped to keep my head cleared of immediate panic.
More, more, more clearing; It felt like hours had passed as I continued my diligent work. In curiosity, I cleared out the space around the piano, and sat down on the seat, my hands hovering over the keys.
I actually had a grand piano at my home, and practiced often, from a young age. Unfortunately, I never thought to learn to read sheet music, so I had mostly improvised by own songs. I wouldn't say I was the most proficent at piano, but I thought myself to be halfway decent, at least.
And so, I pressed the C key.
BWOOOOOOOO-
"DAAAAAMN!" I shouted in terror, as an overwhelming BOOM erupted from the piano- Was this the Doom Slayer's piano?!
At the same time, the sound bounced around, turning the void into physical space; The entire room was now visible.
(Queue 'Awaited' by Simon Daum)
Except for one, small pocket of void in the corner of the room, across from the piano. I peered at the little void pocket, beginning to have a basic grasp of how all this worked.
"Huh." I murmured. "This even operates like a game, doesn't it?" I said aloud.
I got up from the seat, walking over to the little pocket of void, and hovered my hand over it, envisioning physical space there.
I placed my hand into the void, and-
"...Huh? HUh?!"
I was startled as I felt my hand touch something- Silky, smooth, almost like… hair?
Clearing the void, I found it to be hair; MY PULSE SHOT THROUGH THE ROOF AS I REALIZED-
"BEGONE!" I shouted strongly; And suddenly the void dissipated entirely, leaving only-
…
…
…
She looked up at me, with glittering, melancholy, emerald eyes.
A symmetrical face, a cute button nose, thin lips and full cheeks-
My hand was lying on her oak-brown, elegant hair; Her scarlet-red bow.
Monika.
…
…
…
For moments, we stared at each other, as if neither of us comprehended the other's existence.
…
…
…
Then-
"Wha-Wha-Wha…." I sputtered, lifting my hand from her head. Her eyes were laser-focused on me, as if horrified that I would disappear when she blinked.
"Y…You…" She mumbled, parting her lips to say something. I could only stare in shock; Was this real? Was I here right now?
If this was a dream… If this was… Was this a dream?!
Countless thoughts swirled through my head, but at the moment-
I couldn't take my eyes off of her.
My God, she was beautiful. Ethereally beautiful. I was so enthralled by her beauty that I failed to hear the first words she spoke.
"...Hey! HEY! HEEEEY!"
I snapped out of my entranced state, realizing that she was shouting at me wildly.
"Wha- Wha?! What's… What's up?!"
I wanted to smack myself with a metal bat for how stupid of a response I gave. Regardless, I quickly felt guilt and sadness wash over me as I noticed her appearance.
Her hair was already ruffled, and in some spots torn out. Her eyes were dilated and jittery, indicating severe mental instability. Her uniform was ragged and also torn, clearly by herself. Cuts, bruises, and gashes of many kinds dotted her body, as if she'd fought a bear and nearly lost.
"Wha-um, are you okay?! You look really-"
"ARE YOU REAL?"
I was taken aback by the question; Though after a second or two it made sense to me why she'd say that.
"Well, uh, yes! I am- WOAH!"
I was shocked as she stood up from the ground, grabbing my face and-
(Queue 'It's The Simple Things' by Simon Daum)
…
She froze, the moment her fingertips touched my cheeks. Her jaw dropped, her eyes widened; Tears welled and dripped down her cheeks in complete, existential shock.
"I...I can… touch you… I can… touch you…" She whispered, as if in complete awe; Her tears intensified, flowing down her face. "Is… this… what flesh feels like?"
We stood there for minutes, as she held my face; As if utterly horrified by the idea of letting go. Staring into her shifting, green eyes, my heartbeat began to quicken; I was quickly becoming infatuated with her.
Was this… a time to kiss?-
"HrK!" I choked as her hands suddenly wrapped around my neck, then loosened.
"This… can't be real!" She whispered so softly, yet with such conviction and anger that I began to question if she really would choke me out. "It's just… another cruel joke this fucking world is playing on me, isn't it?!"
"Uh, no. At least, I hope not."
Monika leered back in shock, almost as if questioning what she just heard.
"That… statement… that was original, right? That's not pre-scripted dialogue, RIGHT?"
"Yes! Yes, uh, it is- well, no, I don't mean, uh, that it's, uh, pre-scripted, I more meant the 'original' part- Ah, um…. Yeah."
Despite my word garbage, Monika's eyes began to shine brightly as I talked; I could see the shift from sheer hopelessness to hopeful jubilancy.
And then-
Her face contorted; Twisted into sheer rage.
SMACK!
"OW, GODDAMNIT!" I shouted in pain, as her hand had suddenly raised up and slapped me across the cheek.
"WHERE WERE YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH?!" She screamed in fury, continuing to slap, punch and kick me.
I fell to the ground, and she climbed on top of me, punching and slapping my chest, my arms, my face.
"I SPENT SO F-U-C-K-I-N-G LONG HERE! I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THEIR FACES LOOK LIKE ANYMORE!"
She must be talking about Sayori and those others, I thought subconsciously, though most of my mind was still focused on trying to defend myself from Monika's onslaught of punches and slaps.
"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?! WHERE WERE YOU, WHERE WERE YOU, WHERE WERE YOU?! YOU LEFT ME BEHIND, TO ROT HERE IN H-E-L-L! I CURSED YOUR NAME EVERY SECOND I SUFFERED! I WANTED TO RIP YOU TO SHREDS AND… AND…"
(Queue 'Over The Wave' by Elephant Music)
Her punches and slaps began to slow; I felt something drip onto my cheek. I looked up at her, to see a wealth of tears welling in her eyes; They were so sad, as if… grieving. Her mouth quivered as she stared at me to no end.
"W...hy… why did you leave me? Why did you make me wait so long here? Why did I have to suffer all this time?"
I stayed silent, trying to slow my heartbeat as she laid her head on my chest, in complete exhaustion.
"I don't even want to exist anymore… Everytime I fall asleep, I'm tortured by the horrible thing I did to them… I can't even play the piano anymore, I forgot how to play… I forgot everything… Hoping I could just fade away…."
Her cries turned into sobbing, her chest heaving as she pulled air and exhaled in unimaginable grief and sorrow.
"But now you came, and now I have to suffer here all the longer! I lost my desire to speak with a real person so long ago! I just want to die!"
I couldn't describe the horrible guilt that shot through me. How long had she been stuck here? If this was the game I had, it couldn't have happened… I had never deleted Monika, I had just left her there, then quit the game.
But… was this how it actually was? She had been suffering like this for… how long?
I tried to sit up-
"NOOOOO!" She screamed in guttural horror, much to my fright. "DON'T LEAVE ME! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD ABOVE! PLEASE GOD DON'T LEAVE ME!"
"I'M NOT- I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU!" I assured her worriedly, as she wrapped her arms around my torso and squeezed; I hugged her in consolation, rubbing her back and whispering that it would be okay.
I wasn't the best consoler, but in that moment all I wanted to do was stop her suffering. I couldn't imagine how broken her mind was...
We sat there for minutes on end, as she cried and cried about the many miseries she suffered, crying and sobbing so hard that she nearly choked from the lack of air in her lungs.
Finally, as she began to quiet down, I thought about my next words carefully.
(Queue 'With The Spheres' by Elephant Music)
"Monika…"
She weakly raised her head from my chest, staring at me; Her eyes gleamed with hope, and I could tell she would cling to every word I said.
"You don't have to worry about being here any longer." I said firmly, my face deadset. "I can't imagine how you feel, or what you've been dealing with while you were stuck here."
Noticing some strands of her hair had fallen in front of her face, I moved them behind her ear without realizing it, my cheeks turning red in embarrassment.
"Uh, uh, shit! Sorry, I didn't mean to-"
My words stopped, as I realized her eyes shined with adoration; She was completely infatuated. And we'd just met…
I grit my teeth, grabbing her shoulders, which surprised her.
"One way or another, we're getting out of this hellhole!"