Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion. One Kaji/Misato scene I adopted from my other fic Sincerely Yours cuz I'm lazy :/

Chapter 21: Connection

Misato rolled her head back as she downed her fourth shot of sake since the reception started. She and her college friends – namely, Ritsuko and Kaji sat around a small table while other guests of the wedding ceremony chatted and laughed among themselves.

"Life doesn't get any better than this! YYEEAAAHH!" Misato exclaimed as she slammed the empty bottle onto the table. "More!"

"Katsuragi, do you even know what is self-control?" Kaji gazed at his ex-lover disapprovingly. Deepening his frown as he saw Misato smirked and shook her head, he continued. "You can't act as if we are still in college."

"What gives," Misato huffed, filling up her glass bottle once again. "Don't be such a spoiled sport. I can handle my liquor. We've done much worse in college, and in my home as well." She threw a playful look at Kaji, and her cheeks were starting to turn pink.

"From the looks of it, you're only a few drinks away from throwing up…" Ritsuko sighed. Binge drinking was a horrible habit, and as a doctor, she knew that better than anyone, especially the drunk Major of NERV sitting in front of her.

"Well… I'm gonna go powder my nose…" Came a drunken voice as Misato staggered to her feet. "I wanna good for…for the n'xt batch…" Waving her hand, the Major Drunk walked away from the table limply.

Ritsuko rolled her eyes, unable to make sense of Misato's inarticulate mumblings. "Typical Misato isn't it? Drinks her problems away…"

"Well, everyone has their own ways to deal with their issues," Kaji chuckled. His eyelids dropped as his thoughts drifted to his own world of darkness. "Still, it worries me that… she's drinking too much. I don't like seeing her losing control of herself like this."

"I see that you still care about her, even after that hard breakup you had," Ritsuko smirked. "Why didn't you just admit you love her?"

"I couldn't…" Kaji's gaze fell onto the table. "I have my own issues, too, from Second Impact… things I don't like thinking about. It's just easier that way."

"Stubborn as all men…" Ritsuko shook her head. "Well, it's your own problems, who am I to question them?"

"Speaking of which…" Kaji snapped his fingers, reaching for something inside his pocket. "I got you something you might like." Taking out a red trinket and placing it on the table, Kaji smirked. "This is a cat souvenir."

Ritsuko accepted the small gift with a smile. Though her expression quickly turned serious after a careful examination of the object. Being a professional cat-lover, the blonde doctor had come across numerous trinkets before, including this one, but she was sure this specific type could only be found in one place. "What were you doing in Kyoto?"

Kaji leaned back in his seat, just a little wide-eyed. "I was visiting Matsushiro." He replied. "Why do you ask?"

Knowing how well in terms of controlling emotions the special inspector was, Ritsuko knew such a reaction from him could be considered a jump-up for ordinary people. "You better be careful." She said in a stern voice after gazing at the man for a moment. "Aren't you afraid of getting burned? You should know better than anyone what typically happens to people who get burned in your line of work."

Instead of an immediate response, Kaji leaned back on his seat and rubbed his chin. He knew Ritsuko was right - he was indeed walking in the minefield. If he wasn't careful enough, he doubted Commander Ikari would keep ignoring the fact that he was de facto a spy.

"Hey guys, I'm back…" Misato Katsuragi's tired voice came to the duo. "So…who wants to keep going?" Asked the Major Alcoholic as she slumped down on her chair.

"Well, I'm game!" Kaji exclaimed as he gulped down a bottle of beer in a single shot.

"Well, I'll leave you to it," Ritsuko sighed, getting up from her seat. "Have fun, you two."

"See ya, Ritz…" Misato slurred a response. "Now it leaves only me and the slob..."

"Be nice, Katsuragi." Kaji let out a sigh. "I might have to carry you home."

"I'll be...fine. I can handle this myself." Misato hiccuped, a smell of alcohol spread into the air.

"Sure you can…" Kaji muttered in defeat. Sighing, the ponytailed man stood up and went for the bar with the drunk woman following closely behind him.

XXXXXX

The graveyard looked just like what Shinji had always remembered - thousands of grave markers stood idly on the ground, telling the eeriness and trepidation of the place. He stood in front of her mother's grave, 'Yui Ikari', her name was imprinted on the marble chunk. Gendo Ikari stood beside him, gazing at the endless grey sky above them covered by dark overcast.

Her mother's body wasn't even in her grave, and both of them knew that perfectly well. Still, this was the most appropriate place for remembrance.

He was sorely tempted not to come and spend more time with Asuka, considering this time his father had already known his true identity. However, such activity he had done so many times, it might as well be a timed ritual for him.

"Mother…" Shinji sighed. He hated her mother for her inaction when the Second Child needed his help the most, but he had to maintain a working relationship with her every time he sat inside Unit 01's entry plug.

"It's not the memories that we keep that are important." Gendo Ikari spoke, keeping a straight face as he looked over his son's shoulder. "It's the legacy we leave behind."

"Legacy? Did my mother leave any of them?" Shinji turned his head to face his father, not fully able to decipher his emotions.

"Yui left behind two legacies." Gendo's tone was calm and collected as it always was. "The Evangelion, and you."

"I'm her legacy?" Shinji couldn't believe what he thought he had heard; was his father actually showing some kind of support? He would rather believe that this was simply his father's way of manipulating him. He had to admit that this might work before, but the hatred toward his father had already wholly suppressed any positive feelings.

"Of course." Gendo replied. "All the things that you accomplish will give meaning to Yui's life."

Shinji blinked. His father had never said anything like this ever before. Was it because he knew about his looping status, and since he was now helping him, Gendo could actually let down some of his guards? "Hey, father?"

"What?" The old Ikari's tone was still cold.

"When you met Mom, how did you know you were in love?"

Commander Ikari found relief in the fact that Shinji was facing away from him. Otherwise, he might've seen his eyes go wide from the question. "The other mes… didn't tell you?"

"No. Not that I could remember." Replied Shinji truthfully.

Gendo's gaze fell upon the imprinted name on the grave marker. "It's a long story…"

"I'm willing to listen." Shinji put both of his hands clasped together behind his head.

"When I was in college…I had always been alone. In fact, I wanted to be left alone. I was disappointed by the human society, which is one of the reasons I wanted to join SEELE."

"I tended to get into street fights a lot." Shinji almost chuckled at that admission.

"One day after a bad fight, professor Fuyutsuki came found me, and bailed me out of jail."

"It was then I met her, your mother, Yui. She was professor Fuyutsuki's top student at that time."

"At first I didn't really like her that much. She was harsh, tough to handle. But I could see the compassionate and the caring side of her." Shinji's eyes went wide a little.

"She had connections with SEELE, a secret organization I craved to get in, so I thought I could use her as my bridge. We spent more time together and fell in love."

"No one loved me after your grandparents, so when she said 'I love you'…she was the only thing that mattered to me in the world. She made me open up my heart to the world."

"Then SEELE came in. And I think you know the rest." Gendo Ikari trailed off, leaving Shinji with his turmoil of thoughts in his head.

His father's experience…why did it sound…

"Shinji…" Gendo started up again after a long-lasting silence. "Do you hate me?"

"Absolutely," Shinji blurted out. It was one of the few things he was still sure of at the moment.

"Is it because of the Second Child?" Seeing Shinji nod, Gendo continued. "No offense…but I personally don't see anything likable from the behavior of the Second Child."

After musing for a long moment, Shinji spoke up. "Before, I hated you because you abandoned me when I was four. I tried to do anything for you just to get your affection, and I thought piloting the EVA could help me get it. But I was wrong."

"You never gave me what I wanted from you. I was merely your tool to reunite with mother."

"When I had enough of it and tried to run away, she came into my life." Even though he didn't specify her name, Gendo was sure whom he was referring to.

"Actually when I first met her, I could even say I was irritated by her attitude. Everything she did annoyed me. She made fun of me, humiliated me, and even physically assaulted me."

"Her attitude and behavior were so confusing...even though most of her actions told me that she hated me, sometimes she showed me the other side of her that no one else knew."

"She was so strong and confident, while I merely tried my best to just…survive."

"I didn't know what of her attracted me. Maybe it was because of the loneliness she occasionally showed me, or maybe I thought she could understand me."

"That one night…when she cried for momma, I knew she was just like me."

"Gradually, every time she gets hurt…or if she turns away from me, it hurts me so much…"

"Oppositely, whenever she smiles at me...brings me farther away from the cliff of completely losing myself."

"And then you hurt her." Shinji's tone turned 180 degrees from sorrowful to freezingly deep, eliciting a shiver ran down Gendo's spine.

The older Ikari's eyelids dropped. Even though he didn't want to admit it, one of the reasons he abandoned him ten years ago was he didn't wish for Shinji to turn into a man like him. Now though, it seemed the plan had backfired – now he was more Gendo than Gendo himself.

What had he done?

"What would you do…if she's…no more?" Gendo questioned, trying to keep his voice calm but still let worry flow out from his voice.

"Simple. I end the world." As much as he didn't want to do it, in fact in his earlier cycles, even if Asuka was gone he would still try to fix the world. Now though, he had been through enough and lost enough to the extent he didn't care anymore. Not to mention without Asuka, he stood absolutely zero chance of winning against SEELE.

Gendo Ikari was taken aback by the bluntness of his response, but soon regained his composure. After all, he was basically doing the same thing, wasn't he?

At the moment Shinji seemed to hear a soft rustling sound coming not far away from him. He turned his head but found no one. Shaking the illusions off, he continued. "Nothing else in the world matters to me, anyway. There's nobody who can take her place."

"I love her, absolutely. I love Asuka. No, love couldn't even properly describe it."

"She anchors me to the reality. Without her, I'd have already lost my mind…inside this endless madness."

Gendo felt a tug at his heart. Wasn't Yui the only one that gave him direction as well? His own life would've been entirely meaningless without her, wouldn't it?

"Even your mother doesn't mean anything to you anymore?"

"I guess I need her help in battles, but outside of that? Absolutely not." This time his voice didn't waver the slightest.

"I see." Gendo slowly let out the words. If it wasn't sanity telling him otherwise, Shinji could swear his voice carried a hint of sadness in it.

"I should…probably get going right now." Sighing, Shinji turned away from the grave marker. "Asuka's alone at home, and I don't want to let her wait for too long."

Gendo nodded. "I understand."

Understand? That he needed to get to Asuka's side as soon as possible, or something more profound? Shinji felt his father was implying more. Nevertheless, it was not exactly the best time to muse on such things right now. Asuka was alone at home, and he needed to go back soon.

"See you later…father." Saying, Shinji went on his way home, leaving the older Ikari standing silently in front of the grave marker with his hurricane of thoughts.

None of the two noticed a pair of sapphire eyes behind one of the grave markers staring at them in utter shock.

XXXXXX

Katsuragi's hours of binging finally came to a peak at her twelfth shot. She bent over a trashcan in a back alley, vomiting into it while Kaji held her hair back. She was expelling the contents of her stomach quite violently, and besides supporting her, Kaji was holding Misato's hair, so she didn't get chunks of vomit caught in her long lavender hair.

She retched one last time before slumping down, going limp as her ex-lover held onto her to keep her on her feet. He handed her a bottle of water he was able to grab before heading out, which she was more than happy to snatch out of his hands. The lavender-haired woman chugged down a few gulps, and then spit out the rest into the alleyway, getting rid of anything that was left behind in the transition from her stomach to the trashcan.

"Drinking till you throw up, how old are you? We're not in college anymore." Kaji shook his head. "You don't need to drink yourself sick."

"Old enough to regret it," Misato said weakly as she stumbled along the way. "So much stuff's been happening lately… you'd drink a lot too if you were me. All that NERV and Shinji and Asuka business…"

"You and I both know this has nothing to do with Asuka or Shinji," the special inspector frowned a little. "It worries me to see you like this, that's all."

"Well, I'm like this a lot, just mostly at home, that way, I'm not staggering home drunk…" Misato admitted. "Can you help me up, Kaji?"

"Of course." Kaji said as he turned her around and lifted her up onto his back, holding her legs up with his hands while she loosely wrapped her arms around his neck, her high heels dangling from her fingers. "Would you rather I carry you to your apartment?"

"Yeah, I'm having trouble in these high heels, the world keeps turning…" Misato slurred.

"Of course it is…" Kaji sighed.

"Thanks, Kaji…"

Kaji began the walk back in silence, hoping not to disrupt Misato's very-needed rest after her binge drinking. Though his assumption that Misato was sleeping was wrong; moments later a weak voice floated to him.

"Kaji," Misato spoke up, breaking the silence. "I think I've changed."

"You're right." He smirked. "You're even prettier than when I met you in college." Sweet-talking had always been one of his lady-killing moves, the lavender-haired woman had to hide her smile. "Not what I meant." Her tone sounded much more serious, a sharp contrast from Kaji's lightheartedness.

She took in a deep breath and exhaled before continuing. "I'm sorry that I wanted to break up with you. When I told you there was another man, I lied." She looked over at him, seeing that he was keeping his eyes straight forward, not the least bit phased by her words. "But you already knew that, didn't you?"

"No." He lied. Of course from the day she said she wanted to break up with him because there was another man, he knew she was lying. Being a well-trained spy, half of his job description was being able to read people through their masks. "Though I had a feeling that…you did it to make me say what you desperately wanted to hear from me."

"Well, you're right…" Misato raised her head and looked up at the sky. At the moment the thick grey overcast had become thin, and the moonlight was occasionally peeking through the cracks between the layers of clouds. "I suddenly realized how much like my father you were…always caught up in the line of work and never paid enough attention to me." Kaji kept his eyes focused on her, but did not rear his head. "I couldn't believe that I wanted a man just like my father. I was terrified." Misato looked over at her ex-lover, and frowned. "So I ran. I was afraid of being with you. I thought I hated my father." She took in a breath, sucking in the night air.

"And then I fell in love with a man just like him." She lowered her head. "I thought joining NERV would be a way to sever those ties. And then it turned out my father was with NERV. So then I just tried to bury it all by swearing my life to avenge him by killing the Angels."

"You chose that path, Katsuragi." He tried his best to sound reassuring. "You don't have to feel bad about it. None of this is your fault."

"Don't bullshit me, Kaji! That was not my choice!" She snapped, raising her volume. "I just ran away! I just wanted to escape from the real world and my father!"

"Misato, there's no need to apologize, I forgave you long ago," said Kaji in a soft voice.

"Well, the problem is, I loved you…" Misato's voice turned tenderer as well. "But did you love me?"

"Of course I did, Misato…" Kaji's eyes went wide slightly. "I never stopped."

"But why couldn't you say it?!" Misato cried. "It's only four simple letters…"

"You know why I can't…I can't say it to anyone because I haven't forgiven myself for…my brother's death."

Misato pushed herself down from Kaji's back and staggered away from him a bit. Kaji caught her and held her tight, their faces merely inches from each other. "Ryoji…" Misato mumbled. "I can't believe I still want you."

"I can." Looking directly into her eyes, Kaji smiled lovingly. "You never stopped, and neither did I."

"Wha-"

She was brought to silence as Kaji held her close to him and locked his lips with hers. Misato's entire body began to tremble in his arms as he kissed her. Suddenly she felt a lightness in her left hand as she dropped her high heels onto the ground, making a hollow clack as they landed. Though, other than the man who held her that time, she didn't care about anything else.

XXXXXX

Shinji hummed Ode to Joy as he paced back to the apartment. Today went better than he had been expecting – he was positively surprised that his father would open up to him, at least partially. Even though it helped a little changing his perception of his father, considering the countless crimes 'Gendo Ikari' had committed, he still felt happy about it.

Not to mention he finally learned about his father and mother from a first-personal perspective. It would help him a lot in the future – if this cycle turned out to be a failure as well.

The downside, though, was he spent more time with his father at the graveyard than he normally would have. The day was turning dark, and he almost regrated talking with Gendo so long, considering the opportunity cost was spending less time with Asuka.

"Tadaima," he announced as he slipped his shoes off in the corridor. "Asuka? Are you home?" He called out, wondering why he received no replies whatsoever.

Maybe she was at Hikari's place just like she said? Shaking his head, Shinji walked through the corridor and entered the living room. "Oh hi Asuka, so you are at home," Shinji greeted as he saw the redhead standing in front of the couch instead of sitting on it. "Are you bored? How about some video ga-" He trailed off as he noticed the unreadable mixture of expressions on her face.

Asuka stood there, crossing her arms together in front of her chest in a defensive posture and glaring at him with a soul-piercing look, as if wanting to cut him open and make him spill all of the secrets inside him.

"Asuka, are you alrigh-"

He was cut off by Asuka's abruptly raised hand. Slowly, she spoke up.

"Today. At graveyard. I heard you."

Shinji felt his blood turn icy cold.

XXXXXX

AN: Special thanks to Iraki01, AsuShin shipper, ghemstro, fonte20nit, spartanman2, TheOneAndOnlyErik, skyf0x, , and SheriffJohnStone's reviews!