CHAPTER FIFTY – My Fear of an Unlived Life

Relief flooded me as the team reappeared a mere minute after their departure.

"Thank God." I whispered, lowering a trembling hand from hovering above the kill switch and went to the platform ramp. "What happened? Did it work? Did you get the stones?"

I looked around the group, all of them smiling except for Clint. He dropped to his knees, tears overwhelming his eyes.

"Clint, where's Nat?" Banner asked.

Clint's mournful gaze stared up at Banner, telling a silent story of lost most of us knew by heart at this point.

Grief swam around the edges, gradually invading the hope we'd built over the past few days. It seeped through the cracks and knocked us all from our confident perches, leaving a gaping hole to question if we'd undertaken this mission without fully comprehending the risks.

Exhaling a shaky breath, I turned away from the team, walking off.

Finding my way to the clean kitchen, I searched every cupboard until I found a bottle of vodka. For as long as I'd known Natasha, I knew she kept a bottle of her favorite Russian brand somewhere – an appropriate choice of liquor for commiserating a Russian expat who'd endeavored to prove on more than one occasion she could outdrink me. She always lost, eventually.

Grabbing a glass, I poured a healthy dose of vodka.

"K nashey druzhbe." I murmured and swallowed the large mouthful.

"Got another glass?" Steve rounded the corner, still in his suit, blue eyes struggling to blink back tears.

I grabbed another glass, pouring for both of us as I moved around the kitchen counter to stand at his side. He drank his as easily as I did, both of us sighing roughly through the afterburn.

"I know she meant a lot to you." He cleared his throat of its husky tone.

"She meant a lot to all of us."

"You know what I mean," he sighed setting the glass down. "You knew her longer than most."

"I was there the day she was brought in," I admitted quietly, swirling vodka around the glass. "Defiant and harden, it took months to draw a simple smile to her face. She fought every day to be the best, to be better than what they made her to be."

"She was better than that, even if she didn't always believe it." Steve's comment forced my lips to curve into a small smile.

"She was tougher than me," I confessed.

"Tougher than both of us."

I nodded sadly, recalling various sparring matches we'd had over the years, her superior skills almost besting me more than I cared to admit. I thought of the battles we'd faced and the quiet moments we allowed ourselves to be normal – dinners, shopping trips, even field trips with Sara to the zoo and museum. I secretly thought she loved the role of Aunt Nat the best.

"Clint said she bet her life on us winning this round." Steve's tone shook slightly as he spoke.

Abandoning my glass, I slid my arms around his waist, leaning against his side. "If she believed, how can we not? Whatever it takes, remember?"

"Whatever it takes." He repeated stubbornly.

-x-

Pacing back and forth, I cracked my knuckles hoping to relieve some of the tension imploding within my body. Great minds worked on bringing the stones together, meticulously arranging them into a new glove Tony constructed. Each jewel glowed ominously; such a tiny object altered the course of millions of lives, it's power beyond comprehension. After everything we'd lost, in mere moments we'd discover if was worth the high price of Natasha's life.

"This is taking too long," I muttered behind Steve.

"It needs to be right." He replied curtly, his body rigidly posed.

"Patience has never been one of my virtues." I twirled the end of my ponytail around a finger, eyes following the building's shields enclosed the space, and confined us within the room. "Finally."

We circled around Banner who held the glove in his massive hands, volunteering to be the one to use it, believing his Hulk strength might protect him against the glove's destructive power.

I remained steadfast at Steve's side, just behind his vibranium shield. The glove attached to Banner's arm, licks of electricity moving up his arm and driving him to a knee. He groaned underneath the crippling energy of the glove, the stones glow intensifying as Banner fought through his agony to shakily raise the glove with his free hand. I held my breath, watching as it took every fiber of his being to fight against the glove, his arm beginning to burn, turning vicious shades of black until he snapped his fingers.

The glove slipped off Banner's arm as he collapsed, a shaky breath parting my lips.

"Bruce!" I yelled.

We gathered around our friend, Tony tending to Banner's burns. Steve tossed me an uncertain look.

"Did it work?" He asked.

"Only one way to find out." I pulled my phone from my pant pocket, finding Michael's number and pressing the call button. Putting it on speaker the dial tone echoed before me and Steve, my heart thumping wildly in my chest until the dial tone stopped and someone picked up.

"Mom?"

Steve grabbed my arm when my hand began shaking.

"M-Michael?" I whispered. "Is that really you?"

"Yeah? Where are you?"

Happiness burst like mini fireworks inside me. For once the tears in my eyes were for joy rather than sorrow. Hearing Michael's voice brought me back to life in way I'd never imagined, instantly healing wounds I thought forever opened.

"It's a long story but I'm at the Avengers Facility, and Sara's with Pepper."

My gaze lifted to the ceiling, the shields receding, yet a darkness crept in.

"Steve–"

A terrifying bang erupted. The ground violently trembling underfoot before an immense explosion sent us flying in various directions.

I tumbled far from Steve, my head cracking against a concrete wall.

"MOM!"

Somewhere in the distance fog clouding my brain, a voice called to me. Strange sounds – shouts, gunfire, broke through my confusion. Breathing through clouds of dusty concrete, I groaned, rolling onto my back in spite of painful aches spreading throughout my body.

"MOM!" Cool hands grabbed my face. "Wake up, mom!"

I knew that voice. Somewhere tangled in my thoughts a violent shock of recognition forced me to open my eyes, allowing the wonderous sight of Michael's handsome face to be all I saw. The blue-eyed blonde broke out into a wide grin, running his thumb across what I assumed to be a cut on my head by the blood staining his skin.

"Michael…" my whisper broke off into a cough, chest heaving to clear the dust from my lungs until he pulled me upright. "Michael?"

I blinked through the dust, ignoring aches spreading across the pain scale to scramble onto my knees, reaching for Michael kneeling before me, still dressed in his tactical gear.

His arms enfolded me, holding me close as I wept into his neck.

"I thought I'd lost you."

"It's okay, I'm right here." Michael leaned back, our arms remaining around each other. My hands moved through his hair and over his face, relishing every touch confirming he was real.

"You were dead! And Bucky…" I abruptly pulled away from Michael, searching chaotic surroundings of what I assumed was the smoldering remains of the Avengers facility. "Where's Bucky?"

"I'm here!" He walked over, weapon in hand as he had been the last day, I saw him.

"Bucky!" I cried, scrambling to my feet. Running towards him, I flung myself at him. He laughed, giving me a one-armed hug whilst I kissed every inch of his face. "I can't believe you're here. You're really here!" I grabbed his hairy face, weeping happily.

"You know you've got some explaining to do, right?"

"All you need know is that you're the l'amour de ma vie, pour toujours." My entire body tingled beneath his touch as I reached up to kiss him. To kiss him forever would never be long enough. I wanted to bury myself in his embrace and never let him go.

"C'mon," he grinned pulling away. "The fights not over yet."

Together as a family we stood, staring across Thanos' forces mounting their attack. I willed myself to find a little energy, just enough to end this fight for good, and with my son and husband beside me, nothing seemed impossible.

We took off in a sprint towards Thanos' army.

-x-

As Thanos' expansive army disintegrated around us, ash of masses floated on the breeze, circling, and fading around all those who'd fought to hold onto what was most precious. Relief flooded my body, the weight on my shoulders disappearing as a sigh passed my lips.

"It's over, it's finally over." I murmured, turning to Bucky, his attention elsewhere. "What is it?" I followed his line of sight to a gathering around Tony. My stomach twisted in knots and I took off in a sprint.

"No… no, Tony!" I dropped to my knees beside Pepper who'd shown up to fight alongside the rest of us. Horrified, my gaze trailed the blackened burns from his face, stretching down to his hand and the remains of the glove holding the infinity stones.

"Tony, look at me," Pepper called softly.

Reaching for Tony's good hand, my fingers slid over his wrist to where a faint pulse sent heartbreaking jolts through my worn-out body. My thumb gently rubbed against his warm flesh, letting him know I was with him, just as I had the day he was born. I'd sworn that day to protect him, not knowing I wouldn't be able to save him from himself.

"We're going to be okay. You can rest now." Pepper promised sadly, her brave front barely holding up as he flashed us a final smile.

Battle weary and fatally scarred, the adventurous spark in Tony's dark eyes faded as did the light thump against my fingertips. Blinded by tears and with a defeated heart, I drew Pepper into my arms as we broke down.