CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE – Four Years
My heart throbbed with a new unbearable pain in the days following Tony's death, yet I found comfort in the presence of my family. For once I wasn't alone. I belonged to something bigger than myself. I watched as Michael and Mariko reintroduced themselves to their daughter, marveled at the child she'd grown into and imagined a future they'd be a part of now.
I made a promise to Pepper, I'd watch over Morgan for as long as my long life allowed. Neither girl would ever be far from my thoughts or sight if I could help it.
I left the young family to their after-dinner story time, stepping outside where I saw Bucky lingering near the lake. Hands buried in his jacket pockets; he painted a lone figure in the fading sunlight. Sadness weighed heavily on my shoulders, and Bucky's distance tormented me further. I imagined our reunion bittersweet, a stark contrast to our other separations. But something unforeseen dwelled in the shadows turning him against me.
He appeared good with Steve, accepting his decision to return to the past to finally have a life with Peggy. I'd even heard the playful banter tossed between him and Sam Wilson. I envied every laugh, every touch and conversation he shared with everyone but me.
"Where do you go?" I asked hugging the woolen shawl against my body.
Bucky blinked several times, his blue eyes training on me as I stood beside him, flashing him a small smile. "What?"
"Where do you go when you drift off like that?"
"Nowhere." He looked back at the lake, chest heaving as he sighed deeply.
"I thought I'd lost you for good this time." I touched his arm, the unmistakable flinch causing me to withdraw, feeling like a fool. "I don't understand why you've pulled away."
"I just found out I've lost five years of my life, give me a second to catch up." He snapped unexpectantly, a darkness crossing his face I hadn't seen before.
"When I tried to leave you after Siberia, you wouldn't let me," I moved to stand before him, forcing myself into his line of sight. "You said as much as you fight for me, I fight for you. Time, no matter how much of it passes doesn't change that."
He sighed running a hand back through his hair. "Yeah, well, I didn't have someone lined up as backup."
His spiteful tone slapped all confidence from me. Whatever words I could muster to form a defense died on the tip of my tongue as his eyebrows drew together, blue eyes revealing the jealousy gnawing at his thoughts.
"He said he loved you ... Steve, y'know he thought you two might figure out a future together, but he couldn't pluck up the nerve to tell you." His hands hanging at his sides, curled into hard fists as he revealed something I'd never known.
I swallowed hard, ignoring how my stomach twisted to the point of making me nauseous. "So, you're angry at me because what? That maybe I felt the same? That because I believed you dead, I should've remained a depressed, lonely widow?"
"Maybe you're better off with him." He shrugged.
"Is your brain leaking? He's leaving tomorrow to be with my best friend!" My exacerbated tone fell on deaf ears. There was no openness to him, he'd closed himself off to me, stewing in his own feelings. "Whatever we might've thought we felt never came to anything. We never even talked about anything like that!" I grabbed his arm, tugging at his jacket sleeve though he defiantly refused to look at me. "Please, Bucky, don't do this. Don't leave me."
Bucky shook off my grasp, facing me. "Do you love him?"
"What?" I couldn't ignore the chill racking my spine beneath his cold stare. "I love you! I married you!" I protested.
Bucky blew out a strangled breath, running his hands back through his hair.
"Bucky—" I reached for him again, only for him to sidestep me shaking his head.
"After Steve's gone tomorrow, I'm leaving too. I need some space." Even as the words left his mouth, the tone might've been convincing, but I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe after years of fighting for the chance to be together, that he'd walk away.
"James, please," I pleaded, my tears drawing another sigh of annoyance from his lips. "Don't leave, not now … I need you! I love you, please!"
"You've got your family, what do you need me for?" He muttered, turning, and walking away.
-x-
Steve smiled drawing Bucky into a hug. "Don't do anything stupid until I get back."
"How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you." Bucky hugged him tightly and I didn't miss the strain in his tone. "I'm gonna miss you, buddy."
"It's going to be okay, Buck," Steve glanced at me as they parted. "You've got each other now; you can live the life you're meant too."
Neither me nor Bucky looked at each other, keeping our fractured relationship to ourselves. I didn't understand any of it. Steve was going to be with the woman he loved, and Bucky was still leaving me.
Steve drew me into his arms.
"Give her a hug for me?" I whispered.
"Course." Steve gave me a tight squeeze before releasing me.
He went to position himself on the makeshift platform Banner put together. He flashed us a small smile, determined with his fate and I couldn't fault his decision. We'd faced so much over the years, usually sacrificing our own happiness for a greater good, but now we possessed the chance to follow our own paths. Except I had no idea what that path was or where it led without Bucky at my side.
"Where is he? He should be back." Sam came up behind me a few minutes after Steve disappeared through the time portal to return the Infinity Stones to their correct time periods.
"I'm working on it." Banner struggled one handed with the equipment before him.
"Over there." Bucky nodded to an older man sitting on a bench lakeside, as if he'd always been there without us knowing.
I recognized the figure and embraced an overwhelming sense of relief. "He did it," I murmured, watching Sam approached the bench. "He probably would've taken you if you'd asked."
"He did ask." Bucky replied curtly.
I turned to him; his hands buried in his jacket pockets he stared ahead. "Why didn't you go? You could've had a different life, in a different time."
He gave a noncommittal shrug of his shoulders. "Did he ask you?"
"No. He knows I wouldn't leave my family."
"He wants to talk to you, Renard," Sam approached carrying Steve's shield, an unexpected future set before him.
"You take care of that; it means a lot to some of us." I smiled heading over to the lake as Steve, a portrait of his true age rose carefully from the bench.
"Gin," he smiled drawing me into a hug. Though we'd only parted minutes earlier, everything about his embrace communicated a long life lived. "You're as I remember."
We sat side by side, hands clasped together, the cool metal of his wedding ring against my flesh luring a smile to my face.
"What was it like?" My voice barely rose over a whisper, yet Steve's kind eyes focused intuitively on me.
"It was everything I hoped it would be." His comforting squeeze did nothing to stop tears forming as I thought of my two best friends finally having the life they deserved. "We were happy together."
"So, she's …" I trailed off, a fool's hope lingering in my heart.
"She's gone, as before." He broke our hands, digging into a pant pocket to pull out what appeared to be a photograph. "I thought you might like this for your collection."
Accepting the photograph, I rapidly blinked, unable to prevent tears rolling down my cheeks, admiring the portrait of my two best friends on their wedding day.
"What do I do without you two in my world?" I hugged the photograph against my chest, almost wishing to fall into it.
"You can do whatever you want, Gin, you don't need to be so afraid of who you are. Peg saw it, I saw it, and Buck too." Steve gently patted my knee. "We all saw the woman you wanted to be already existed long before Zola put his serum in you."
"Who's that?" I mumbled, a finger brushing over Peggy's smiling face.
"The girl who fought against everything the world told her she should be." He stated, flashing me a smile when I looked up. "Imagine what might happen if you became her again? Think of the life you and Buck can have now, maybe even the family you always wanted."
I fought against every instinct screaming to tell him to the truth, beg Steve to make Bucky see reason and not leave me broken. But I failed at the last second and slipped the photograph into a jacket pocket. I hugged Steve again, grateful to have spent the better part of my life calling him my friend.
"Tell Buck to come over."
I rose from the bench, wiping my damp face with my hands as I walked back towards Bucky, visibly concerned by my tears. "He wants to talk to you."
"What did he say?"
"He told me to remember who I am." I continued pass Bucky without stopping, heading towards the cabin where my family waited, welcoming me with warm smiles and open arms.
"Where's Steve?" Michael asked pulling away.
"He's … he's not coming back," I flashed a watery smile at Mariko and Sara, who stood at her side, holding her hand.
"And Barnes?" Michael asked quietly, staring pass me.
"I don't know." I shrugged hopelessly, Sara reaching for my hand preventing a complete public breakdown. Giving her small fingers a squeeze, we headed into the cabin.
I didn't know what the future held, but I knew I wasn't the same person after today. Bucky would find his way back to me, he always did whether he knew it or not. We were bound in a way we didn't understand, as if our separate strings of fate entwined us, never severing despite our partings. Maybe I didn't feel whole without him, but I could survive on my own. I'd done it before, and I'd find my own path until ours crossed once again.