The hotly awaited masterpiece, Ron was Fat and Ugly.

Harry finally reclaims all that has been taken from him. Smart!Lord!BAMF!Slytherin!Powerful!Harry. Mild ron bashing. Rated M for mature.

Ron was Fat and Ugly

And an idiot, too. As he skulked around his lair in the dungeon, Amortentia bubbling away in one of his many cauldrons, he spoke in a tone of voice that bordered on the exclamations of a troll. "Blimey!" he blubbered "Out of unicorn blood again. Well, I guess it's huntin' time!". He grabbed his large crossbow and apparated into the forest.

Lord-Lord Hadrian Jameson Potter-Black was quite bored, and threw back his ponytail, rolling over in the grass so the sun would reach his back. "Gee, it sure is boring around here." he said seductively to nobody in particular. Suddenly, Albus Dumbledork came forth from a crack in the floor, and twinkeled so hard Hadrian had to squint so as not to go blind.

"M'boy, this peace is what all true wizards strive for!" he spoke, wisely, and Hadrian felt his face shifting into a smirky scoff. "I just wonder what Tommy's up to."

And in that moment, Severus Snape's luscious locks appeared on the ground, for he had just come by on his broom. "Your Headmasterness! Tommy and his minions have seized the ministry of magic!" he spoke, lusciously, his raven-dark hair glittering in the moonlight. "How can we help?" Said Dumbledumb, inquiringly, quirking his eyebrows quirkily.

Severus quickly took a glass orb from his robes, and the ghostly form of Professor Trelawney appeared, speaking in a ghastly voice: "It is written! Only Hadrian can defeat Voldemort!"

Hadrian quickly rolled upright, and then began bouncing towards the castle, screaming "Great! I'll grab my stuff!", even as the elder wand and the stone of resurrection appeared and melded with his very bones.

"Blimey!" said the slob of fat and ugliness called Ron, "how will I maintain my body weight in this climate?", for the three of them - Lord-Lord Hadrian Jameson Potter-Black, Hermione D'arkness McQueen and Ronald McEvil - had just begun their hunt for the evil Voldymorts Horcruxes.

Hadrian scoffed smirkily at him before emitting an ear-splitting screech of "FIENDFIRE" while flicking his wand in his direction. He expertly manipulated the demonic fire into the shape of a large spork, and eviscerated the fat, ugly, unattractive and evil blob called Ronald.

"Gosh, that was so hawt, Harry!" Said Hermione McQueen, draping herself over his chiseled, adonis-like body.

"Shut the fuck up, bitch, that's Lord-Lord Hadrian Jameson Potter-Black to you! Don't you ever speak to me again. I'm going to make sure you'll never be hired anywhere again!"

Hermione swooned so hard her brain lost circulation and she died of a stroke.

"Blimey!" Said the ghost of Ronald McEvil, who had come back to leech of Hadrian's success, while attempting to grasp the ghost of Hermione McQueen, who had come back to swoon some more. But she wasn't ugly like Myrtle, so it was fine.

Hadrianson Jameson Potter-Black-Slytherin was currently negotiating with the Dementors, and finally managed to use his hidden, secret Slytherin™ Cunning™ Side™ to pay for passage with the souls of his two friends.

Now he was finally ready for the last showdown with the evil Voldymorts.

"Blimey!" said the fat Dementor that had consumed the ghost of Rarnold, who had been too fat and ugly for the non-being to digest, and had instead assumed its form. Meanwhile, the other dementor, who was definitely still hot, had consumed the soul of Hergymine, and powered by her unending love and the hidden soul-chain, had also taken over its otherworldly mind.

Voldyshorts stood before Hadrian and his two dementors, waiting to be killed by the Author.

"No, wait, I will defeat this upstart!" he said, looking like a lost puppy, and immediately died of a heart attack.

"I don't even have a heart! Abra Kedravra!" Sadly, he had messed up the incantations for the AK, and was instantly killed as the curse curved around and splattered blood, brainmatter and various other fluids across the entire room. A bit of flesh hit Hadrian in the face, and once again screeching an ear-splitting "FIENDFIRE", it was gone.

"Blimey!" said the blob of black ectoplasm as it rolled after Hadrian, who had just entered Gringotts, only to find all the Goblins worshipping at his feet, "That is so Hawt!"

"It's him! The grandmaster!" Said BloodOrgy, the master of puppies at Gringotts, and Hadrian was instantly bombarded with small paper balls.

Rolling one out, he noticed it was a marriage contract!

With a single flick of his wand, all the contracts were transformed into needles, and immediately killed all the Goblins in the room.

MurderHobo, the goblin responsible for door maintenance, led Hadrian to Ragnarok, the most badass Goblin of all time, who took a single look at his scar and called for Bill Weasley instead of a goblin cursebreaker.

"Blimey!" said the fat skeleton of Rumbles, as Bill Wesley hit Hardian with a spell. "Horcruxius Removus!" he cried, and Hadrian fell to the floor, dead.

His brain had sadly leaked from the scar in his skull, and he was killed instantly.

The Author went to get drunk enough to forget this entire story.

The End.