Disclaimer: I do not own the owned (aka Harry Potter).
Author's Note: I'm sure this has been done before, but ya'll know what plot-bunnies are like. So without further ado, I present you my latest fanfic. It's mainly humour and fluff but I hope you like it!
X~X~X~X~X~X~X
Hermione Jean Granger was pissed.
There was no other way to put it. She was simply mad.
"Why was she mad?" You ask?
Simple. Or not so much. The answer was that a famous author, Gilderoy Lochart, was teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts this year at Hogwarts. And it was clear to anybody who had a brain that he was an utter fraud.
Of course, no other witches aside from a bookworm could see this as he was an exceedingly famous and popular wizard, although she highly doubted he could do magic aside from a suspicious memory charm.
Being Hermione, she had bought all his books already on the way back from Hogwarts and had read through them. They were very interesting stories and sucked her in, but then she noticed several things were off. She couldn't quite put her finger on it but some of the books felt disjointed or choppy.
When looking at the titles, she realised that they weren't about anything particularly useful like Fight Against the Dark or Defence 101, for example. Instead they were all poetic titles with alliteration that seemed to be a favourite to the socialite wizard. She also noticed how he was in the Witch Weekly magazine for having the best smile.
Now, to anyone else it might seem like the twelve-year-old girl was crushing on the celebrity and that was perfectly normal for every single other girl her age had eyes for him. But not Hermione. To her, education was far more important than some pompous git who could write good stories but only ever qualify for a memory charm.
In fact, she had looked it up in records provided by McGonnal from Hogwarts and from the goblins at Gringots and was astounded. There was no actual recollection if Lockhart had ever graduated successfully from Hogwarts, although he had been Sorted into Ravenclaw. He wasn't even very good at Quidditch said Madam Hootch, upon Hermione recalling that he claimed to have been a Seeker in some interview.
So eventually, a seed of doubt had been planted within her and she finally realised with a sinking feeling of dread that Lockhart was a complete and utter fraud. He was only good at memory charms (everyone had confirmed this) and his past life before becoming a wizard and before writing books was largely unknown. This seemed to reason that his adventures were false and he had gotten them from other people using memory charms or had made them up himself.
This was proved all the more true for many of the stories were greatly exaggerated making it seem like an adventure novel instead of a textbook that would help them fight against dark creatures. She had also received a schedule of Lockhart's supposed classes and was disgusted with how easy and stupid they were.
One of them, for example, was how to fight against Cornish Pixies but anyone who was anyone knew that Pixies could not be fought against.
They could only be sent away by a banishing charm learnt in seventh year classes. That was why no one ever interacted with them and kept them locked up. They were simply too mischievous and existed for the soul purpose of getting into trouble.
Wanting a proper course, she had sent a letter to McGonnal about this with all her proof to which McGonnal replied that, sadly, only the Headmaster could make that decision. So Hermione sent an owl to the Headmaster with a similar letter, only to be disappointed with a polite but patronizing refusal. The Headmaster claimed that she was only a child and should let adults worry about this. Besides, he had put in that he had full faith in Lockhart who was an old friend of his during his younger years.
Frustrated, Hermione had paced back and forth after throwing the letter in the fire to try to think of something to rectify this. That would mean her education in Defence would be sorely lacking. She didn't know what to do as she wanted to get her hands on some proper books. She had already read the Hogwarts Library (the good parts anyway) a few times over as well as their books for the coming year's class. The only books other shops at Diagon Alley had were all about The-Boy-Who-Lived and they were a load of rubbish too.
Heaving a sigh, Hermione plopped down on her favourite arm chair beside the fire. Suddenly, her eyes flew wide open as an idea sprung to mind. It was downright bonkers and would probably get her into loads of trouble. She would never be able to look her parents in the eyes again, nor a professor for that matter but if they were all frauds or senile old coots than what did it matter anyways? Feeling her heart flutter in excitement, she hastily dug out some old tomes and began to read to se if her plan would work.
X~X~X~X~X~X~X
Bang! Bang! Bang!
"Get up boy!" Uncle Vernon roared, startling Harry Potter fully awake. "You have a visitor, tramp. It's one of those freaks of yours. UP!"
Freaks?
Harry struggled to stop his groggy mind from lashing out in anger. He was feeling dazed and disoriented from being so rudely awakened from his nap. He should have realised it was coming but he had been granted some sleep for one hour only and wasn't expecting it.
But why did his uncle say freak?
His aunt and uncle, the Dursleys, would only call people like him freaks so that could only mean one thing. A hopeful smile lighting up his face, Harry rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and hurried down the stairs only to get flung into a sudden embrace.
"Gah!" He said.
At first all he could see was stars and bushy brown hair, but then his face cracked into a grin and he realised who it was.
"Need to breath," Harry choked.
Hermione yelped, startled, and jumped back blushing prettily. Gasping slightly from Hermione's fierce hug, he admired how she had filled out over the summer. Her buck teeth were gone and her bushy-hair was slowly but surly being replaced by pretty-looking curls.
She no longer looked knobby-kneed or anything of the sort and Harry was surprised to realise that she was looking very pretty indeed. Hermione coughed politely and Harry clamped his jaw shut, blushing furiously when he realised he had been drooling. He hastily whipped his chin on his sleeve and tried to ignore Hermione's smirk.
"Blimey, Hermione," Harry managed at last. "Never thought to see you here. How did you find me?"
"Oh," Hermione grinned. "I asked Professor McGonnal and she was more than happy to tell me. Is there anywhere where we can talk privately?"
Harry glanced to where she had nodded to and gulped to see the whole Dursley family glaring daggers him as if they hoped they could stun him with their frowns. Well, not all of them. Harry scowled inwardly to see Dudley staring slack-jawed at Hermione, his eyes slightly glazed over and drooling. If that git so much as laid a finger on her...
"Earth to Harry!" Hermione said, waving a hand in his face.
"Erm, yeah," Harry gulped. "Let's go to my room."
Ignoring her yelp of surprise, Harry grabbed Hermione's hand and led her up the stairs to his room.
"Harry!" Hermione gasped. "How can you live in here? This is like a walk in closet."
Harry blushed and looked down at his feet.
"Um, about that," Harry stammered and realisation dawned on Hermione.
"It's your nasty relatives isn't it?" She asked softly. "I saw the way they were looking at you and heard how they called me a freak. Do they do that often?"
"Um, yeah," Harry said thickly, too embarrassed to look Hermione in the eyes.
"Oh, Harry," Hermione sighed, and wrapped her arms around him although it was a much softer and more gentle hug this time.
Harry began to feel light headed and dizzy as Hermione rubbed his back murmuring how things would be okay soon.
"Not to be rude or anything," Harry stammered. "But why are you here? This isn't exactly the nicest place to be."
"Oh!" Hermione gulped.
She quickly pulled back and leaned against the wall.
"Uh, listen," She said. "I know this will sound crazy and I wouldn't feel disappointed if you don't want to do it but I really need your help."
Harry's face fell and Hermione grimaced, realising he was sad that she only came here because she wanted his help.
"It's not like that, Harry," She hastily said. "I do enjoy being around you especially since you saved me from the troll. You're kind, funny, brave, handsome, and... and..."
Hermione's voice trailed off and she got red in the face. Harry's eyes bulged as he realised what she had just said.
No way! He thought.
"You were saying?" Harry asked.
"Yeah, look," She said. "It's about our knew Defence teacher..."
And so she told him all about Lockhart and how he was a fraud, etc.
Leave it up to Hermione to figure that out, Harry smirked.
"So I assume you think I can help somehow?" Harry asked, joining the dots. "Use my reputation to out-class Lockhart's or something? Maybe get him fired?"
"Oh, no, no!" Hermione stammered. "It's nothing that simple."
And then she quickly told him her plan leaving Harry very gobsmacked and week in the knees.
"Married?" He squeaked. "You want to get married? Why to me of all people?"
Hermione's face flushed.
"Harry," She chided softly. "I've crushed on you ever since you rescued me from the troll last year."
Harry's eyes got wide. "Oh!"
"But just think of all the plus points," Hermione said, trying to ignore her own embarrassment. "We would be considered adults and thus allowed to use magic whenever we wanted to. We could even ask for our own personal quarters at Hogwarts where we could practice magic freely. We could apply for books and things that no second year could ever hope for."
"Books?" Harry asked suspiciously.
"Books," Hermione admitted shamefaced, and then added in a dreamy whisper. "The Restricted Section at Hogwarts Library. I hear they have all kinds of interesting reads there."
"The Restricted Section?" Harry asked weakly.
"Ever since you broke into there with your Invisibility Cloak," Hermione said sheepishly. "I've always wanted to find out what else they had there, but legally."
"Wow," Harry breathed, his mind reeling from all the possibilities.
Not that being married to Hermione was bad. Maybe he'd have to make a rule about no nagging, but some reminders were good. Otherwise, he'd never have done any of his homework. Hogwarts was the only place where he had a fragment of freedom so he wanted to enjoy it while he could.
And it was kind of nice that books wasn't the only reason Hermione wanted to marry him. Coming to think of it, at the mention of celebrities like Lockhart he realised that the only girls who would ever want to marry a freak like him would be attention-seeking or power-seeking fangirls who wanted to marry The-Boy-Who-Lived.
Hermione had asked him because he was the only one she trusted to help her with her plan and it was not for anything like that. Okay, maybe it did hurt that she wanted books but could he blame her? This would help him in his classes and get good grades. There were so many other bright sides to it as well, such as not having to listen to Ron snoring at night.
"Hermione," Harry said at last with a grin. "You're a genius. Count me in!"
"Are you sure?" Hermione stuttered, blushing like mad.
"Am I sure?" Harry asked incredulously. "If it means becoming an adult six years before our time and getting out of this dump, then I am in no matter what the cost. But how on earth can we become adults in so short a time?"
"Well," Hermione said shyly. "There is a certain potion that is a mix of Polyjuice and something else, some obscure age-changing potion. It is activated by drinking it and a spell. The magic needs three days to take affect so that's the only problem as we have to stay low for three days. The magic will make our bodies grow so we will be asleep for that entire time. It will also give us the minds of how old we choose to be but not the experience. We should retain our memories so it'll just be like we grew five years in three days."
"How did you find out about all of this?" Harry gapped. "If it's possible than why hasn't anyone used it before?"
"I don't know," Hermione admitted. "It's supposed to be real rare and difficult to make. But with a bit of luck we can manage."
"Sounds like a plan," Harry said.
X~X~X~X~X~X
Three days later, Professor McGonnal was sitting in her office sipping some tea. It was early morning and there was only one week left until summer ended and the school began. Normally, she would be at her home during the summer but something had called out to her to stay at Hogwarts. Usually only the Headmaster stayed there over the summer along with the House-elves and other maintenance staff members.
Suddenly, Professor McGonnal was startled of her reverie to hear a knock on the door followed by two other ones. Wondering if this was what her hunch was all about, she placed the tea cup reverently on her desk, smoothed out her dress, and strode over regally to the door.
Upon opening it, she gasped in a stunned surprise. Standing there before her was none other than James Potter and a gorgeous-looking brunette. But that couldn't be, the Transfiguration thought frantically. James was dead! A thought drifted across her mind and she nearly dreaded the answer. No it couldn't be! But then...then...
"Harry?" Professor McGonnal asked faintly, feeling more dazed than she ever had in her life.
James-reincarnate smiled widely.
"Hallo, Professor," Said a voice that sounded very much like The-Boy-Who-Lived. "We just wanted you to be the first to know that Hermione and I have played the biggest prank yet."
"Prank?" The Professor asked weakly.
"In a manner of speaking yes," The woman called Hermione said, directing a fierce glare at Harry who paled.
"Also," Harry put in quickly. "We wanted you to know that we are married and emancipated. As our Head of House, we thought it prudent to inform you first."
"How did this happen?" Professor McGonnal asked, feeling more worried by the minute.
Harry smirked inwardly as Hermione smoothly gave the Professor their made up story for the public. One of the good bits about this obscure potion was that it prevented people from reading your mind at will. At least, he hoped so. Otherwise they were screwed.
"A Soul Bond, professor," Hermione whispered reverently with her eyes taking on a faraway look.
Professor McGonnal's eyes bulged. "A Soul Bond?"
"Yes," Harry replied, taking Hermione's hand in his and smiling at her. "It was the most amazing thing ever."
"Wasn't it, love?" Hermione asked, smirking inwardly at the chance to embarrass Harry.
The poor boy barely stifled a squeak.
"Yeah," Harry stammered.
"Care to explain?" McGonnal huffed.
"I was visiting Harry's," Hermione answered. "When his wail of a cousin and his group of thugs attacked me. He tried to grope me but Harry stopped him. There was this incredible burst of magic and Harry's cousin and his thugs were sent flying. We became Bonded in that instant."
"It was wonderful," Harry said dreamily, pretending to get lost in Hermione's eyes.
But the two young people were so caught up in their act that they failed to notice McGonnal fainting until it was entirely too late to act.
"Oops," Hermione said innocently. "Did we lay it on too thick?"
"I think so, love," Harry smirked as Hermione scowled at the jibe. "But isn't there somewhere we should be now?"
"Oh, right," Hermione grinned and gave Harry a peck on the lips as a reward for reminding her, leaving a very dazed wizard in her wake.
Smirking inwardly to herself, Hermione paused in her departure and turned around with a smug grin.
"Well are you coming or not?" She called over her shoulder.
"I'm right behind you," Harry grinned, and hurried to catch up to Hermione walking to the Restricted Section arm in arm.
Maybe being married wasn't so bad after all!
The End...
...Or is it?
A/N: Okay, first off I realise this is all very unrealistic and OOC but it was just for fun and nothing serious. I don't think I'll make a story out of this but I might if you guys really want me too. I have another couple of projects to work on though so I seriously doubt it. Anyhow, how did you like it? Was it the most cheesy rubbish ever? Or was it okay? Like it? Love it? Hate it? Leave a review so that I can make this better yet!