The Houses Competition - Round 4 Drabble
Slytherin, Charms
A/N: It's a Crack!Fic AU. Nothing is canon. Or makes sense. Enjoy! I hope!
Prompt(s): [Object] Coffee Mug, [speech] "Can't you see I'm sleeping?"
Betas: VanillaAshes, Aya Diefair, Fires of Eden Red Rose Aurora, CupCakeyyy
Word Count: 967
Voldemort's Coffee Mug
Voldemort stood in the middle of the drawing room in Malfoy Manor, fuming at life. Of all the things that hadn't gone right in his day, he'd never thought this would be one of them.
"Lucius!" he called. He never shouted. Why would he? Someone of his power never had to shout, right?
No one came.
"Narcissa!"
She didn't answer his call either. Voldemort let out a slow breath as he stared at his empty coffee mug in his hand. What was the point of having followers if they weren't around to cater to your coffee needs? He had important plans to make. Deadly plans. The Harry Potter killing kind of plans. He needed his caffeine.
"Draco!" he raised his voice a touch. Nothing. "I knew I shouldn't have let Wormtail go on holiday!"
Swinging the coffee mug as he walked, Voldemort began his search through the Manor for someone to fill his coffee mug up. It was only three o'clock - where were they all? Not even an elf could be found in the downstairs rooms. He looked at the staircase…they were really going to make him walk up them. Rude.
"Absolutely ridiculous that I cannot find one inhabitant of this bloody house," he muttered, each word said with a step of the foot.
When he came to the first closed door of the upstairs corridor, Voldemort flung his arm holding the mug, causing the door to fly open and bang against the wall. "Severus! I need coffee!" he said sharply, stepping into the dark room.
Severus, who hadn't even sat up in the bed, turned his head to look at Voldemort over his shoulder. "Can't you see I'm sleeping?"
"Sleeping? Severus, it's three o'clock. You're not usually this indolent - it's this place, isn't it? Made you a bit lazy?"
Severus sighed heavily, slowly sitting up. "It's three o'clock in the morning, my Lord," he said with the same patience barely reserved for his students.
Voldemort frowned, well, as best as one could with no eyebrows, and looked around the room. "So you won't get my coffee?" He held the mug out to him.
"Might I suggest you find the owners of the building," Severus said through gritted teeth.
"If you get it, I won't use the Cruciatus Curse for a month."
"Get out!"
Voldemort swiftly stepped out of the room when a pillow came flying his way, moving quickly down the corridor as Severus called a few choice insults after him. The next door was slammed open.
"Voldy! Get out!" a naked Narcissa shouted from the bed.
"My eyes!" Voldemort cried. He used his free hand to pull the door closed while holding the coffee mug in front of his face.
He stood there, outside the Malfoys' bedroom door, staring at his mug. "Cissa - I need coffee," he called through the door.
"There was a pot of it on the table," Lucius called back.
"It's gone."
"Don't you think you should go to sleep?" Narcissa suggested between giggles.
"Just one more cup," Voldemort pleaded.
"Goodnight, my Lord," Lucius said.
"Who do I have to kill to get a cup of coffee?" Voldemort grumbled as he moved onto the next door. He slammed it open to find the lights on and the occupants in bed, reading. "Draco. Harry. I need coffee."
Neither of them lifted their eyes to look at him. "Hermione's usually up with a pot of coffee at this time. Try her," Harry said absently, turning his page.
"Oh - is she here?" Voldemort said excitedly. He almost crushed his coffee mug with happiness.
"She's avoiding the Manor after last month's torture. Try Grimmauld Place. She could probably do with some help with the seating plan for the wedding," Draco said with a glance to him. "Don't forget - no Unforgivables until after the wedding."
Voldemort nodded, backing out of the room. "Of course—oh, Harry?" Harry gave him his full attention. "I've left the plans on the dining table, you'll be sure to have a look before you go home, won't you? Make sure the dates for the battles work for you?"
"It'll be the first thing I do at breakfast," Harry smiled.
Closing the door, Voldemort practically skipped to the fireplace to Floo his way over to Grimmauld Place. "Fantastic!" he cheered when he found Hermione huddled over her seating plans in the kitchen.
Hermione sat up with a deep frown. It could've been at the plans or it could've been at Voldemort's early hour appearance. Who knew anymore. Voldemort held his mug out to her. "For pity's sake, Voldy - we've discussed this," she said, reaching for her own mug. Empty.
"You were saying?" Voldemort raised the muscle above his eye where he used to have an eyebrow.
"Shut up," she muttered. "Come on, I'll show you how to make one, then maybe you'll stop turning up in my kitchen in the middle of the night."
"Or," he started, handing his mug to her as she stood up, "you could make the coffee and I'll look over the seating plans?"
"Would you?" Hermione asked with the relief coming off her in waves. "I can barely get Sirius to look at them."
"Don't you worry, dear. I'll sort those Blacks out in exchange for caffeine. Do we have a deal?" When a small smile started to appear on her lips, Voldemort clapped his hands. "Fantastic."
"One of these days I'll have nothing for you to bargain with," she warned with an affectionate look.
"You're marrying Sirius, you'll always have something for me to bargain with." He took a seat, cracked his fingers, and looked at the mess that was the Black family.
"I should marry you instead. Less complicated," Hermione muttered, moving around the kitchen.
"Enough of that crazy talk and make the coffee, woman!"