The Only Winning Move Is Overwhelming Firepower

Chapter 20

Work All Day Makes Crack A Dull Toy

"...The Japanese Embassy wants to know if it will be allowed to continue existing within Name Pending." Paper shuffles, a lot of it, and then Elsa sighs. "And so do all the other embassies within California. There's even some countries without embassies asking if they can convert a few of their dedicated cultural sites into new ones."

"Of course-" I say in between bites, "-they can-", yet another munch goes out across the phone call, "they just need-", gulp, "-to pay-", yet another munch, "-whoever owns them right now."

Elsa sighs again. "Would it kill you to not intentionally broadcast the absolutely most fake eating sound effects I've ever heard in the middle of a very important conversation just to annoy me?"

I'm silent for several long seconds, astounded that she realized what I was just doing. Those were some good sound effects! I even paid for them!

"Planetcaller."

I shove the last piece of deliciousness down my thankfully unending maw while sending her a reply. "I have no idea what you're talking about," I innocently declare.

"Sure. The Embassies?"

I shrug automatically before I remember that she can't actually see me. "Again, sure, I don't care. As long as they follow the laws we set when they're not on their little islands of sovereignty."

Elsa's quirked lips are somehow audible. "That's usually how Embassies and their staff work, yes. Speaking of, do you have some… I don't know, enlightened set of alien laws you want to pass by me for a look before you blunder your way into announcing them into actual law on live TV?"

I pointedly ignore her snark, as is my right as Best Supreme Ruler, and honestly think about her question. Do I have some prepared? Not really. I didn't exactly enter this reality planning on doing anything important, much less creating law.

Then again… Maybe I already have what I need, from when I was Writer Me.

I direct the nanites in the jet flying just a few kilometers in front of me to print a stack of papers with a decent amount of text on them above Elsa's head and drop it on her desk.

Her shriek is hilarious.

"... I…! I am so going to get you back for that," she seethes into the phone. "Just as soon as you get here. In the meantime I'm going to review these 'Terran Morlawls' to see how badly I'm going to need to bullshit to get people to accept them."

"Thanks buddy! You're the best!" I fire back at her.

"Also, I don't care how long you pout at me, we're not calling them that," she adds on.

I pointedly do not pout, and claims to the contrary are total BS. "But it'll annoy so many other heads of state!"

She just grumbles at me and hangs up.

...I don't think she'll actually have any issues with what's in the Morlawls, just with the name. I'm not even attached to the name that much, really, I just wanted to see how she'd respond. I spent quite a long time tweaking the actual laws in the list as my original self. Most of the potential issues with what they propose and mandate come from implementation and overcoming opposition to them, their actual systems and checks are mostly self balancing once running.

And hey, that's what a benevolent dictator is for, right? I even have the tech and power to just sidestep anyone who tries to stop their fellow human from having a good life, ignoring them entirely instead of rolling over them.

But if they piss me off enough… well as I told Kate, that would be devastating for them, and annoying for me.

I'm not really interested in thinking about that right now though, so let's see how I can freak out Elsa's pilots.

… OOH, I know!

I accelerate well past her jet and line myself up, T-posing on the clouds to assert dominance.

Gotta tell you, Commander who can swim in volcanoes or not, there's still something terrifying about an aircraft fifty times your size flying straight towards you.

Even though I know for a fact this isn't going to hurt, I instinctively close my eyes and brace for impact.

"Copy that Reagan, we'll see you in an hour," Pilot Guy continues his conversation with the airport ATC team who likely doesn't want to hear from me again.

"So James, what do you think of our new alien overlord?" Copilot Girl asks, amusement clear on her face and her grin knowing.

James sighs and pinches his nose. "Look, Kim, you're the third person to tease me about this. I know I regularly praise fictional new overlords online but I never thought it would actually happ-"

THOOM

The entire hull of the jet rocks withan impact, a deep, resounding boom not unlike a gong being struck by a tank shell nearly blowing out the mics of the two pilots. Elsa, James, and Kim nearly jump out of their seats.

But nothing else, because I didn't really hit the plane that hard. I both chickened out at the last second and realized it would likely be pretty bad for a jet not made out of me to hit me at the speed it was approaching me.

So I just shook the plane a little and rang the hull with copious use of nanotech bullshit.

Elsa scrambles to get up as the two pilots nearly panic. They quickly glance over their instrument panels trying to find the fault.

"Everything's…. okay?" James almost asks. "Confirm, copilot?"

"I confirm. Instruments are all… clear," Kim affirms with a tone no less confused than his, though clearly her heart is still settling down. "Huh."

There isn't any fault, of course. The jet is fine, and still on course.

"What the hell did we hit?" James asks, still scanning the panels for anything at all.

Kim looks up to reply to him and happens to glance out the cockpit windows. Her mouth drops open. Then she starts to get angry.

Uh oh.

Before she can no doubt start chewing me out, Elsa comes barreling into the cockpit. "What happened? Is everything okay?" she asks rapidly. "Can I help?"

James turns back her way and blinks. He shakes himself out of his monetary surprise at seeing her in their cockpit. "I'm not sure, Ma'am. We're pretty sure we hit something but-"

Finally, Kim manages to come back to herself and closes her mouth. She crosses her arms, then glares forward with all the daggers she can provide. "Actually I'm pretty sure something hit us," she deadpans.

Elsa and James look at her, then follow her glare out the right front cockpit window.

Where I'm pressed up against the glass, waving like an idiot, with the biggest grin I've ever worn on my very, very smug face.

It takes them approximately three seconds to process that yes, I am outside the jet, and yes, I'm hanging onto the nose with no regard for physics or the high speed wind caused by the jet's flight speed.

"Hey guys," I remotely say inside the cabin, timing my mouth movements to match my voice, "fancy running into you up here. How're the kids? Weather all fine? I kinda hit a nasty pocket of lightning coming out of DC, could you give me some directi-"

And that is as far as I get, because Elsa manages to figure out relative scope matter formation just to yeet me off the jet with giant shards of ice.

I'm so proud of her.