AN: Bella makes some decisions that might not be everybody's cup of tea, and another person gives her a little advice.
I'm so thankful for my ladies MeteorOnAMoonlessNight, Midnight Cougar and ghostreader24 for all their help making these chapters make sense.
And to every reviewer thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. I'd love to hear from followers and favoriters, too.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters, I'm just borrowing them for a while.
Deceit and Destiny Chapter 16
The rest of Sunday went well. Jake and Connor made it home a few hours after me. Connor's clothes were covered in grass stains, but it was clear he'd really enjoyed himself. Jake was smiling and joking around with him, too. It warmed my heart to see the two of them getting along so well together.
That's the way it should be all the time.
Jake insisted on ordering pizza for dinner and even stayed to play a game of checkers with Connor before I ran a bath for him. With nowhere special to be tomorrow, I allowed Connor to stay up and spooned ice cream into three bowls. Connor snuggled up on the sofa between Jake and me to watch a Disney movie.
Sleeping proved to be less of a trial than it had been for the last couple of weeks, and on Monday morning, I woke refreshed, ready for work. It wasn't unusual for Jake to be up long before me, though his side of the bed was cold, suggesting he'd been gone a few hours.
Even Connor was cooperative, getting dressed without an argument over having to get up. He was cheerful, and all he could talk about was watching his dad play football with the guys. The entire journey to my parents' house was full of each pass, catch and touchdown and it was clear that, despite how often Jake ignored Connor, our son still idolized his father.
After I dropped Connor off, I had some time to think as I drove to work. In the back of my mind was the call I'd received on Friday night from Edward, the voicemail burning a hole in my conscience. Since Jess was the only one I could really talk to about it, when she suggested lunch, I jumped at the chance.
The weather continued to be warm and sunny, so it was a pleasant five-minute walk to our favorite café, The Blackbird Coffeehouse. Jess settled at a table outside while I went inside to get our order. I didn't feel like coffee, so I ordered tea for myself, Jess's usual coffee, and a sandwich for each of us.
Jess looked at the tea I placed on the table and then up at me, narrowing her eyes, but didn't comment. "How are you, Bella? How was your weekend?"
"I'm good, Jess, and believe it or not, the weekend was good, too. Jake took Connor to the park for a game with the guys. He was so happy when he got home, and he hasn't stopped talking about it."
"Wow, I have to say I'm surprised at Jake stepping up there, and so glad Connor got to spend some time with his dad. What about you? How are you doing?"
"Angela and I met up at the mall so I could pick up Connor's birthday bike and a few other things. Oh, and she has some news to share, but I'll let her tell you; I wouldn't want to spoil her fun."
"Aw, that's not fair, Bella. Come on, tell me." Jess stuck her lip out and pouted.
"Nope," I said, taking a bite of my sandwich and grinning as I swallowed it. "I'm sure she'd want to tell you the news herself. And making faces isn't going to get you anywhere."
Jess huffed, then laughed. We ate in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the warm breeze.
My mind was in turmoil over the voicemail Edward had left me. The memory of it haunted me and would most likely continue to do so for some time. Putting it into words was hard, but Jess was my best friend. She'd been my sounding board, my confidant for most of my life, and I knew I could trust her with anything. Even so, I wasn't sure where to start.
"So . . ." I began hesitantly.
"So?" Jess echoed.
"Um. . . Edward called late on Friday."
"Really? You were thinking about texting him, weren't you? Are you okay, Bella? You look upset." She leaned over and laid her hand over mine, squeezing sympathetically.
"Oh, Jess." I put my sandwich down on the plate, unable to take another bite. I swallowed hard, blinking until I had the threatening tears under control. "It was awful. He sounded like he was drunk, and at first, he wasn't very nice."
The harsh words he'd first spoken echoed in my mind.
"Bella, why'd you have to be such a bitch."
I looked down the street toward the water in the distance and breathed in and out until I felt calm enough to carry on. "And he wasn't wrong, Jess. He sounded heartbroken, too. I'm exactly what he called me—a bitch."
Saying it out loud made me feel as sick as I'd been on Friday, and I found myself swallowing back the sudden saliva in my mouth, hoping the nausea didn't come to anything more.
Jess's warm hand on my arm stopped me as my voice hardened. "Bella, don't say things like that about yourself. Of course you're not a bitch. It's not an easy situation for either of you, and from what you've told me, Edward obviously has some feelings for you. Your feelings for him haven't faded, have they?"
I shook my head. "No, and before you say it, there's no point in me calling him. I know I should, but there's absolutely no possible future with him, even if he was closer. Then there's Jake; I need to talk to him, but I have no idea what I want anymore. What if he wants to make a go of our marriage? In all good conscience, I can't deprive Connor of that chance, can I?"
"I suppose not, Bella." Jess looked doubtful. "Though I don't think you'd be depriving Connor of anything he couldn't get from Jake, if his father was prepared to make an effort. Jake should respect you and give you and Connor his time and attention, and he clearly doesn't do any of that. I know I've said this a hundred times before, but you have to see you deserve happiness, too. You can't just stay with him in the hope that somehow, miraculously, it'll all turn out to be wonderful. The question is, Bella, do you love Jake enough? Cheating isn't the act of a woman who is in love with her husband, is it?" she said bluntly.
Embarrassment washed over me at her frank words—she was right.
"I know, Jess," I said quietly. My voice was small as I finally put words to the thoughts I'd been avoiding speaking out loud. "I don't think I love Jake the way a wife should love her husband. Maybe we shouldn't have ever gotten married, but we were young, and when he asked, I thought what I felt was love. "
"It's okay." Jess's voice was gentle. "We all make mistakes, Bella, but it would be an even bigger one if you stayed with him for all the wrong reasons. Of course, Connor's happiness is important, but then again, so is yours."
We finished our drinks and sandwiches, then headed back to the office. Jess linked her arm in mine as we strolled along the sidewalk.
"I don't know what to do, Jess. Do you think there's a chance we could turn our marriage around? To fix it? Jake has his faults, but I have plenty, too. We haven't been close for a long time, and I can't remember the last time we went out as a couple, or even cuddled up in bed. I've never initiated sex, but maybe I could spice things up a bit?"
"Whew." Jess blew out a breath, thinking for a few minutes before answering me.
"I know you and Jake have problems, but if you think your marriage is worth saving, then I'll support you every step of the way. Every couple goes through bad patches—even me and Mike have our moments—but without putting in any effort then nothing will change. You were attracted to each other in the beginning, right? So maybe that's a good place to start; to rekindle that spark.
"Buy some sexy lingerie, get your mom to take Connor overnight, cook him his favorite meal, then seduce him. I'm sure he won't be able to resist you."
"You might be right, Jess," I mused. "I wouldn't have my doubts about what to do if I didn't still love Jake. Everything seems to have become buried under bringing up Connor, and with both of us working, we haven't really made time for each other for a while."
"Exactly," Jess said. "If you need any help, please don't hesitate to ask me."
I pushed away the thoughts of how different Edward had made me feel. That wasn't real; the relationship with Jake was real, and it deserved my best efforts.
"I think that whatever I decide, I should delete Edward's messages and voicemails, shouldn't I?"
"I can't tell you what's right for you or not, Bella. It's something only you can decide, but isn't it just a torment to have them available?"
It was a rhetorical question, and I sighed, knowing she was right; it was a torment. There weren't any circumstances under which I would need to call him; we could never be more, especially after the way I'd behaved. Then there were the lies of omission—it was just too late to change everything. I was tempted every day to read and listen to his messages again, even the last one, which upset me so badly.
Later, making dinner with Connor was a diversion, but once he was in bed, I knew it was time to stop prevaricating. I poured myself a glass of lemonade, heading out onto the back porch, and took up my usual position on the porch swing.
I couldn't say I was surprised when Jake sent me a short text telling me he had to work late, then was going to stay for a drink with Embry. Deep down I knew if there was any change to be made I would have to take the first step.
Placing my glass on the table, I pulled my phone from my pocket. Taking a deep breath, I opened Edward's texts. Slowly, I read through his messages, starting on the Sunday he'd returned to San Francisco up to the day we'd flown home from L.A. With each one, I could see his affection, his concern, and finally resignation as he realized I wasn't going to answer, though he didn't understand why.
With my hands trembling, I deleted the entire conversation, knowing I would also have to delete it from my cloud account. I couldn't leave myself with a way to contact him because I knew I'd be tempted. Re-reading them was not an option.
The voicemails, I knew, would be harder to let go of; they were all that remained of his voice, but it would have to be enough to always remember his whispered words in my ear, sometimes erotic, sometimes dirty, and sometimes sweet and romantic.
His scent of warmth and sunshine, mixed with his cologne. His body, hard in all the right places, yet his touch so soft on my skin. His hand in mine.
Once deleted, the words he'd spoken, even the harsh ones of his last message, were gone. Even without those reminders, I would never forget the time we spent together and the way he made me feel as if I mattered. Unfortunately, nothing could delete my memories, but with time, it would all fade.
Listening to his voice and the memories it evoked, I came to a decision. The long-overdue conversation with Jake had to happen, and soon. I, and by extension, Connor, deserved better—whatever form that took.
Making the decision brought me a modicum of calm. I went back into the house, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned up the kitchen, and put away the toys Connor had dragged out. I headed upstairs to take a quick shower, then brushed my teeth and changed into my night clothes before climbing into bed and sliding between the sheets.
To my surprise, Jake was home early, before I fell asleep, and it wasn't long before he climbed into bed behind me. I could feel his overly warm body close, but he didn't make a move to touch me, nor did we speak. I drifted off to sleep, hoping there would be no dreams tonight.
~ oOo ~
The next few days were busy again. I spent most days out of the office showing families and couples homes for sale, returning home each evening feeling as if I'd run a marathon.
Connor picked up a bug of some sort and was cranky for a couple of nights, leaving me feeling tired and not myself. I made no effort to find a time when I could start that serious conversation with Jake, nor could I bring myself to make any of the changes Jess and I had spoken about.
I knew my usually upbeat mood was absent and tried my best to cover it.
When Didi invited me to lunch on Friday, I knew I hadn't been as successful as I'd thought in hiding my turmoil. It was a fifteen-minute walk from the office to the waterfront bistro, and it seemed she could sense I wasn't talkative and carried the conversation with chatter about Aro and how well he was doing now his cancer was in remission. She talked about the business, my parents, and Connor and his coming birthday party, too, never once touching on the subject I knew she wanted to talk about.
Even though it was a busy Friday lunchtime, we got a table easily and ordered our usual, having been there many times before. As was her way, she didn't beat around the bush once we were seated and brought up L.A. the moment our server left.
"So, Bella, tell me more about your vacation. I've heard lots from Jess, but you haven't said much about your time. Did you enjoy it?"
It was a difficult subject for me, and I was grateful for the reappearance of our server while I ordered my thoughts, waiting for the server to place our drinks and food on the table.
"What do you want to know, Didi? We spent lots of time on the beach, though you wouldn't be able to tell from the color of my skin, would you?" I laughed lightly.
She peered over the top of her glasses at me and raised her eyebrows, and I continued to babble.
"We went dancing at one of the most popular nightclubs, and I drank far more than I would normally. It was fun. We walked along the Santa Monica Pier and went on a wine-tasting trip, and I visited Laguna Beach. It's so beautiful there."
I sighed heavily as the memory of the day trip Edward and I had taken brought forward the thoughts I'd been trying to banish unsuccessfully from my mind.
"That doesn't sound like a happy sigh, Bella," Didi said gently. "You've been quiet and out of sorts since you got back from L.A. Did something else happen? You can tell me, you know; I won't judge."
The warmth of her hand on my arm had me swallowing down my emotions.
"It was nothing, Dee, I'm fine. Connor's been cranky and kept me awake—"
"Nonsense, something isn't quite right. It'll do you good to get it out, Bella. Talk to me—please."
The sympathy in her voice was my undoing. I closed my eyes for a second. When I opened them, it was to Didi's gaze and her nod of encouragement.
"I've done some awful things, Didi. If I tell you, you'll think I'm the worst person." I looked down at the tablecloth as a tear fell unchecked and dripped from my chin, splashing onto the pristine material.
"Bella, my dear, you're the granddaughter of my heart. There is nothing you could do or say that would make me turn away from you. Sweetheart, tell me what the problem is; maybe I can help you find a solution."
She passed me her handkerchief and gave me time to compose myself. I took a deep breath and blurted out, "I slept with someone when we were in L.A." When she said nothing, I continued. "I pushed Connor and Jake to the back of my mind; it was wrong, but I did it anyway. And now Edward hates me, and… and I think I'm in love with him."
Didi moved around the table and slid into the booth beside me. "Oh, you poor, sweet girl." Her arms came around my shoulders as she hugged me.
Now the floodgates had been opened, the events of the entire weekend poured out. How we'd met while dancing and talked until dawn. How he'd taken me on a motorbike trip along the Pacific Coast Highway and spent time at Laguna Beach. How we went out for dinner after coming back from the beach.
Didi didn't ask questions, just allowed me to get the words out.
"I didn't plan on us spending the night together, but I couldn't—no, I didn't want to stop it, Didi. He was wonderful; I never knew it could be as intense between two people. And then all these feelings started to build; I know I felt them coming from him, matching those inside me."
Didi leaned back in her seat a little and took my hand. "Did you tell him any of this, Bella? Did he say anything to you that would tell you he felt the same?"
"No, we never had a chance to really talk. His flight to San Francisco left on Sunday, and I guess he thought he had more time. Since then he's sent me texts and left voicemails."
"What about them? Have you called him or answered his messages?"
"No, I haven't." I turned to face her. "I know this all sounds crazy, Didi. God, it was only one night, but I know we had a connection—I felt it. There was definitely something special developing between us, even in that short time. My heart's already breaking, but with nine-hundred miles between us..." I trailed off.
"Nothing's impossible, Bella. Did you tell Edward you were married? Did you tell him about Connor?"
I shook my head. "No, I was an utter coward, Didi. I know I should've told him, but in my heart, I think I knew he'd never have stayed the night if I had; he never would've made love to me. I've hurt Edward and cheated on Jake. Am I such an awful person for wanting something more?"
"Of course you're not, Bella. As I see it, first and foremost, you need to figure out what it is you want. How do you know Edward would be the right one for you, Bella? A couple of days spent together isn't long enough to get to know a person. And Jake, do you love him? Is your marriage worth saving?"
"It's true I don't know a lot about Edward, Didi, but I know what I felt when I was with him. From the texts he sent and the voicemails, I think he felt the same. Somewhere inside me, I just know. Jake and I seem to be living totally separate lives. He spends almost no time with either Connor or me; it almost feels like we're roommates. We were so young when Connor came along, and before I knew it, I was married, and my life was set in stone."
"Oh, Bella, sweetheart. It doesn't have to be. I can see why you've been so tired and not yourself lately. You're carrying a huge weight on your shoulders, and I'm glad you've decided to share it with me. Have you talked to anyone else? Does Jess know? Or Alice? Or your mom?"
"Oh, I couldn't tell my mom; she would be so disappointed in me." I wiped the remaining tears from my eyes. "Jess knows; there was no way I would've been able to hide it from her since we shared a suite. She's my best friend, and she was so great about everything; I don't think I could've gotten through those last few days in L.A. without her. Alice and Angela don't know anything, though I think they can guess something's wrong. Jess keeps telling me I deserve to be happy, and if that's not with Jake, then I should accept that and leave him. Even Angela said the same, and you know how she feels about the sanctity of marriage."
"I think you're underestimating your mom. I'm sure she'd be behind you just as she was when you got pregnant with Connor. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself either—you're only human. Jess is right, you know, you deserve to be happy, Bella, even if that's with neither Jake nor Edward."
I leaned into her comfort. "Thank you so much for that, Didi. It might sound strange, and I know I should, but I don't feel guilty—not for sleeping with Edward. The guilt is more about the act of cheating on Jake, who'll be hurt even if our relationship is at its end. It's also for not telling Edward the truth and hurting him with my actions. I don't deserve either of them."
"Nonsense, Bella. Like everyone, you deserve love, so don't punish yourself, please." Didi stood and waved at the restaurant manager behind the bar. I knew she had an account here, so there was no need to wait for the check.
"Come on, Bella. I need to get back to the office, and you need to go home so you can get ready for Connor's party tomorrow."
We left the bistro, tucking my arm under hers, and slowly walked toward the office in the now late afternoon sunshine. We reached the door, and Didi hugged me.
"Can you please not tell Aro, Didi? I don't know if I could face him knowing what a mess I've made of everything."
"Don't be silly, Bella. You know Aro loves you just as I do; we see you as the granddaughter we never had. I've never kept secrets from Aro, but I'll keep this to myself. Though you have to know he would never judge you, whatever you decide."
I nodded. "Okay, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow at the party?"
"Of course, we wouldn't miss it. Now go! Have your talk with Jake and figure out where you go from here. Change is never easy, but you'll reap the rewards in the long run."
~ oOo ~