Meredith pulled her suitcase behind her as she followed Derek across the busy drop off route along the front of the airport. They had opted to drive and leave the car parked for the weekend in the long term lot, and so had been wheeling their bags from the lot. Derek expertly manoeuvred through the throngs of travellers saying their goodbyes to friends and family. The large, sliding doors opened on their own accord and suddenly Meredith found herself inside the airport. This was it. This was real. She was going to New York. She was going to do the family thing. And there was nothing she could do about it now.
Derek had been annoying happy and upbeat for the past few days, obviously happy to be going home to see his family, but also ecstatic about bringing her along to meet the rest of them. It was like there wasn't a doubt in his mind that everything would go fine and Meredith would immediately be accepted as the shiny new daughter/sister/aunt to all involved. And theyd all live happily ever after. To say Meredith didn't exactly hold his beliefs was an understatement.
And it wasn't that he wasn't fully aware of that. He had been supportive and calm and encouraging and... dreamy... for every one of her near freak outs all of the past week. But his glass-is-half-full, enthusiastic reassurances that the world was a magical place, and she was his queen, and his family would adore her, and Thanksgiving would make up for all of her past Thanksgivings was getting a little old. And a little bit ineffective. She had never seen him so enthusiastic and happy for such an extended period before. It was driving her crazy. And it made her hesitant to fully trust his opinion.
He turned his head as they entered the building to make sure she was still behind him and smiled broadly when their eyes met. She rolled hers as he turned back around and made his way towards the check in. She knew he loved her. And she knew he loved his family, and that his family loved him. And she definitely knew that she loved him. And the short visit of his mother, Anna and Natalie had gone much better than she had expected. But, as much as he wanted her to believe it, that didn't mean everything was going to automatically be kosher in the Shepherd house. A lot could have happened in the months since she had made progress with any of them. A lot could have changed. Opinions could have drastically changed. The realization that their son/brother was actually serious about his dirty mistress could have set in. Plans could have been enacted. Interventions could be scheduled. Seriously. Interventions could be planned and laid out, just waiting for their arrival.
On a rational level, Meredith knew she was going overboard. She knew the worst that could happen was an awkward weekend where she just didn't fit in. And it wasn't like she had never fit in before. She knew that no matter when happened, she and Derek would still fly home together Sunday afternoon. She knew nothing would change between them. But the irrational side, which was gaining strength and decibels, was screaming that this was a bad idea.
Meredith would be completely out of her element. She didn't know how to do the family thing. She didn't know how to do the holiday thing. She didn't know how to do the kid thing. And she definitely didn't know how to do the cooking Thanksgiving dinner thing. Or the football thing. And, apparently, those were her only options. And she would be stuck. In the big house. With the big family. There would be no familiarity. There would be no home ground advantage. There would be no friends to bail her out, or hospitals to escape to. There would be no where to run. No where to hide.
She sighed as Derek dodged a family who had stopped in the middle of their path, and she followed suit. He turned his head again to check she was still there. And he smiled. Again. She shook her head. The man was far too happy about this. He slowed as the throngs of people began to lighten and waited for her to catch up, immediately reaching out for her hand. He smiled again, his eyes sparkling. And she couldn't help but smile back. His enthusiasm was contagious when he was in close proximity. And she hated him for it. He was cramping her anxious and stormy style.
They reached the desk for their airline and quickly made in through the short business class line. Meredith let Derek do most of the talking as they got their tickets and checked their bags, choosing instead to silently freak out a little longer. She blinked as Derek lifted her bag onto the conveyer belt, where the attendant tagged it. And suddenly it was drifting away from her...
Her heart raced as the small suitcase disappeared through the opening on the wall. It was just... gone. She wouldn't see it again until she was in New York. Her throat was dry. What was she doing? What could possibly have made her think she could handle this? She had been distracted by being glad it was Thanksgiving and not Christmas Derek had chosen for their first visit. But now, actually being in the airport, knowing there was no way out of it, she was unsure. She was unsure and she was freaking out. Christmas would have been worse, but it would have at least given her an extra month to prepare for. She was unprepared now. She was unprepared and she was freaking out. There was a silent voice screaming at her that she couldn't do this, that she'd never be able to make it work, that she just wasn't good enough. And the voice sounded oddly like her mothers.
Derek gave her an odd look as he gently tugged her hand and began to lead her towards the security check. She numbly followed him. The entrance into the secure area was ominous; large, but mostly blocked with only a few small walkways, security guards and airport personnel everywhere. It was only for travellers with tickets. Tickets to get on planes and go places. Travellers who had planned to go somewhere. Travellers who were not currently struggling just to put one foot in front of the other in the fear of collapse if unsuccessful.
But suddenly, they were veering away from the entrance, to a quieter spot on the side. She blinked as Derek slid her carryon off her shoulder and set it on the ground beside his. Then he wrapped his arms around her.
"You're freaking out." It wasn't accusing or disappointing, just a simple statement.
She wanted to respond, wanted to shake her head and smile and say it wasn't true; to convince him she was fine, and normal and capable of doing the family thing for a weekend. She wanted for it to be true. But all she could do was nod and bury her face into his chest as tears welled in her eyes.
"Oh, Meredith." He held her while she clutched the front of his jacket in tight fists and shuddered, trying to get her emotions under control.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she finally managed to vocalize as the ability to control her diaphragm slowly began to return.
"Hey, it's okay. You're okay."
"No, Derek. It's not okay. Okay? I'm not okay. I'm a freak. I've never done the family thing, or the Thanksgiving thing, or any... thing. I don't know what to do or say. And I'm going to screw up. And you're so excited about this. And I'm going to ruin it."
Derek sighed and kissed her on the forehead before tightening his grip around her waist. "You're not a freak."
"But I have no idea what I'm doing here."
"That's allowed. The fact that you're worried is a good thing, Meredith. It means you care."
She scoffed and pulled back to meet his eyes. Hers were still watery, but had yet to overflow. "I'm going to ruin this whole weekend for you. You deserve to see your family. You deserve to be happy."
He smiled the smile she just couldn't resist and tilted his head just the way he did so well. "Meredith," he cupped her cheek. "I am happy. I love you. And my family will love you. I promise you won't ruin the weekend for anyone."
She groaned and buried her face into his chest again. "Derek, just because you love me, doesn't mean your family will."
"Mom already does. And Anna and Nat."
"They don't love me, Derek. They tolerated me for a few days."
He shook his head and forced her away from him so that he could meet her eyes again. "Do you not remember their visit? They loved you, Meredith. They didn't tolerate you. They liked you. They liked spending time with you. They like you with me. The first thing mom asked when I told her I was coming for Thanksgiving was whether I was bringing you." He reached a hand to gently brush a stray piece of hair out of her face.
She sniffed, still effectively not crying. "That may have been in hopes that I wasn't coming."
He scoffed. "She likes you, Meredith. She wants you to come. She was impressed by you, don't you remember? She said nice things to you, and about you. She said there was no way you could be a disappointment to anyone."
"She hugged me," Meredith whispered as her heart rate and breathing slowed, still not normal but on their way.
He smiled that smile again. "Yeah, she hugged you. And she only hugs people she likes."
Meredith inhaled a long, shuddery breath. "I'm freaking out," she finally agreed.
He nodded. "You are, but for no reason."
"I feel completely useless," she told him quietly. "I have no idea how to act. I have no idea how to talk to anyone."
He kissed her. "You are not useless. You are absolutely amazing. We've gone over all the family names, and all the expected Thanksgiving stuff. The rest you just have to experience. And I promise you it'll be much easier than you're expecting it to be."
She closed her eyes for several seconds, her hands still clutching his jacket for dear life. "But you're so excited," she finally whispered when she opened her eyes, a single tear now making its way down her cheek. "You're excited and you have expectations, and I'm not going to meet them. And I'm going to ruin your family time. You should be going by yourself. You deserve to see them without having to baby sit me."
Derek tenderly wiped the single tear off her cheek. "Meredith, I would rather spend my Thanksgiving with just you, than my entire family and not you. I am excited about this. And I have expectations to see my sisters and my nieces and nephews because I do miss them, but I don't have expectations on how you should act. I won't be disappointed. You can hole yourself up in the bedroom the whole time if you really want. Or we can always stay at a hotel, that is, if we can get one this late." He kissed her forehead. "And if you're really not ready, we don't have to go. We can stay in Seattle."
She shook her head. "You deserve to be with your family."
"I won't go without you. But I promise there will be no hard feelings if we stay."
He sighed and continued when she failed to speak. "Look, Meredith, last Thanksgiving was hell. I spent the entire day wishing I could spend it with you." He smiled. "I mean, we spent a lot of the day together, but not together. And I want to spend Thanksgiving with you. There's no way I'm missing out two years in a row."
Meredith gazed into his honest blue eyes. She believed him. He wanted to see his family; he was at the airport, ticket in hand, bag already checked, but he would turn around and go home with her if that's what she wanted. He would wait for her to be ready. But he looked so freaking hopeful.
"I don't want to disappoint you."
He shook his head. "You won't."
"What if I do something completely stupid?"
He shrugged. "We laugh about it. Plus, there will be lots of alcohol, people probably won't remember."
She actually felt herself laugh at his comment.
"Meredith, you're overreacting, making way too big a deal out of this. There's no special club, or family dynamic thing that you need to know about. The Shepherd family holidays are busy, but not structured. No one expects anything special from you. There's no newcomers initiation you need to look out for. My mom already loves you. Anna and Natalie love you. Kathleen will side with mom, and Nancy will get over herself. And their husbands are all whipped and will take the opinion of their spouse. And the kids will all love you. I'm their favourite uncle, so they'll immediately love you."
"Favourite uncle, huh?" She asked quietly at the proud expression on his face.
He nodded. "I've worked hard since the first one was born. I may have some ground to make up, but even since I moved here I've made sure to send cards and gifts, and call on important days. Mark had always tried to edge me out, but he's been completely out of touch for over a year, so I have the edge."
She couldn't help the smile that came to her face. "I don't know how to act around kids."
"You're great with your patients when they're kids."
"That's different. You smile and reassure, and make a nice comment about their drawings, or toys or whatever."
He smiled. "That's really all there is to it. If they show you something, ooh and ahh over it. For the girls, you compliment their hair, especially if they have colourful clip things. And for the boys, talk about how tall they are. Or, if you're out of ideas, ask about school, what grade their in, who their friends are. And for the older ones, commiserate on how annoying mom and dad are."
"That's all?"
He nodded. "That's all. There's fourteen of them, the only time they really take a time out from playing with their cousins is to go to their parents. You won't see them too much."
"And there won't be any other relatives?"
"My aunt Abby may come over for dinner. She's my dad's sister, but was always really close to my mom. She never had children of her own, and her husband died years ago. So, she usually spends holidays with us."
Meredith nodded. "Just one aunt?"
He nodded. "Everyone else has big families. It'll just be her, and I don't even know if she's coming."
Meredith sighed and finally released Derek's jacket to wrap her arms around his upped torso. She sighed as his arms closed around her frame. "I just wish I could be normal for you."
"I told you before, Mer, if you were normal, you'd be boring. I love you for you."
She nodded against him. "Okay. I think I'm ready."
He pulled back and smiled at her. "You sure? Cause I'm serious about not going..."
She shook her head. "No. We're going. I just needed to freak out first, I think." She met his eyes. "You promise it won't be as bad as I think?"
He nodded. "I promise."
"And you'll be there to help me?"
"Absolutely."
She nodded, more to herself than him. "Okay."
"Did you want me to try to get a hotel? It'll give you some space."
She shook her head. "No. That would just make me the girlfriend who couldn't handle staying there. I don't need to start out as being avoidant."
"Okay, but if at any time..." He trailed off, purposely leaving the comment open for her.
"Thank-you."
He smiled and pressed his lips against hers. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
"You ready?"
She nodded. "Yeah. As long as you're here, I'm ready."
"Good, cause I'll always be here."
000
They passed through security with almost half an hour to spare until their plane was expected to board.
"Do you want a coffee or something?" Derek asked as they passed a Starbucks on their way to their gate.
Meredith shook her head. "I think it's probably better that I don't have caffeine. It definitely won't help keep the anxiety down."
He laughed and pulled her closer to wrap an arm around her waist as they strolled down the corridor. "Good point."
She sighed and allowed herself to fall into the feeling of being close to him. The utter despair she had suffered from only minutes earlier was settling into a much more tolerable sense of apprehension. Her throat was no longer bone dry, her breathing had calmed, and her heart no longer felt like it was going to leap right through her ribs. She was still worried about the weekend, still nervous, but she was suddenly confident that everything really would be okay. She really had made a good impression on his mother and Anna and Natalie. And Derek had told her his brothers-in-law would take the opinion of their spouse, which gave her at least five supporters; Carol, Natalie and Phil, and Anna and her husband Spencer. And if she also included Derek and Mark, it gave her 7 supporters. And that was pretty good. That was majority, discounting the kids, of course. She was going to be okay. There would be no interventions. There would be no shunning.
They finally neared their gate and paused to glance across the rows of anxiously waiting travellers for a glimpse of Mark and Michelle. However, instead of finding the happy couple, all that awaited them was a dejected plastic surgeon bent over his open laptop.
"Hey, Mark," Derek called as they approached. Meredith chimed in her own greeting.
Mark looked up and greeted with a terse "Hi,' and a nod before turning his attention back to his screen.
Derek glanced questioningly at her and she shrugged, her eyes processing the single, empty laptop bag on the seat next to Mark. There were no other bags or belongings in his proximity. He was definitely not holding the seats while Michelle was off in the bathroom at one of the shops.
"Where's Michelle?" Derek asked lightly.
"Not coming," was all Mark said, barely slowly the incessant typing of his fingers across the keypad.
"Oh," Derek answered, hoping for a further explanation, but none came. "Okay, then. I'm just going to go the bathroom before we have to board."
Meredith nodded and took his bag as he turned and headed back up the hall. She sighed and sat down on the seat next to Mark. He still didn't break his concentration. One glance at the screen told her he was working on a case study.
"Mark," she said gently. "What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Not even with your co-founder?"
He apparently couldn't help the smirk that came to his lips, and he paused, his fingers still, hanging over his keys. "It was apparently too fast for her."
Meredith sighed and laid a supportive hand on his arm. "Maybe that's okay. Seriously, Mark, I had a near nervous break down outside security. Why do you think we were so late?"
He finally turned to look at her. "You don't have to make me feel better, Grey."
"I'm serious. Ask Derek. I was moderately freaking out as we wheeled our suitcases in and got our tickets, but the second my bag disappeared through the wall on the conveyor belt..." she shook her head. "I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. It took Derek twenty minutes or more to calm me down. It's scary, going to meet the family, being on their turf. It's scary, and Derek and I have been together for a lot longer than you and Michelle. And I've met some of them already. Maybe Michelle just needs time."
Mark met her eyes and smiled. "I wish that were true, Grey. But it wasn't that this weekend was too fast for her. Apparently I was going too fast for her. And, apparently I'm not what she wants or needs in her life. So... she dumped me. Last night, she dumped me."
"Oh," was all Meredith could think to say.
"Yeah." He sighed.
She exhaled loudly. "I'm sorry, Mark."
"Me too. I thought-" He abruptly cut himself off and shook his head.
"What?"
He eyed her. "Co-founder confidentiality?"
She laughed and nodded.
"I was just looking forward to showing up to one of the Shepherd family get-togethers, and for once..." He sighed. "I grew up with this family. Like since I was in Kindergarten. I grew up with them. I've been to every wedding. I was there the day every kid was born. They've all grown up, but I feel like I haven't. I had my lifestyle, and they got that, and it was never a problem, but then I crossed a line, and slept with Addy. And I just really wanted for them to see that I was finally growing up, that Addy wasn't just another conquest. That I eventually want to settle down too. But now? Michelle just proved that I'll never be able to compare to them."
Meredith was taken aback. She had never seen this much vulnerability behind Mark confident smirk. "But they're your family."
He sighed heavily. "Yeah, they are my family, just not my family. Like your friends are your family. As much as Carol was a mother to me, and Derek was a brother. And Kath and Nance and Nat and Anna are sisters, there will always be that little bit missing."
Meredith nodded. She understood.
He glanced at her expression. "That's why I like you Grey, you get me. We have a lot in common."
"What was your family like?" She asked gently.
He shrugged. "Never really had one. My parents were wealthy; very, very wealthy, multi generation money types. My dad had an affair and then he and his mistress left for Europe. My mom remarried within six months, another family money type. They started a new family." He shrugged. "He had kids from a previous marriage, and they had two more together, but I was never expected to be a part of the family. I was just the extra kid, left over from my mothers past. My step dad hated me. My mom didn't care. I started spending more time with the Shepherds. The last time I saw my mother was when I left for college; when the Shepherd's drove me and Derek to our dorm. She's never tried to contact me."
Meredith offered a small, supportive smile. "What about your dad? Did you ever see him again?"
"He'd take me out to dinner once a year or so, when he was in town. He was more of a here-have-some-more-money parent. I still get a check every year for my birthday, although he always sends it at least a month afterwards. I doubt he remembers the actual date."
Meredith laughed. "At least it's something. My father disappeared when I was five. And the next time I saw him, it was because I looked him up and knocked on his front door. He wouldn't even let me off the front porch. Little did I know he had a new, bright and shiny family behind the door."
Mark shrugged. "But what can you do? You don't choose your parents."
She shook her head in agreement. "No. But you can choose who becomes your family."
"The Shepherds are a good family to join."
"Oh, I meant-"
"I know what you meant, but I'm saying the Shepherds are a good family to join. Carol was really impressed with you. She said she was glad Derek had moved out here; that she hadn't seen him so happy in years. She's glad he found you."
She smiled at his words. Most didn't realize there was a human being in Mark Sloan, but Meredith was one of the few he had let in. "That's good, I guess. I want them to like me. I want this to be easy for Derek."
"You're good for him," Mark commented. "Addy was too... she grew up more like me, with the money. She expected certain things, certain lifestyles. And Derek was content to go along with it, but he wasn't happy. Not like he is now."
"I kind of figured, with the whole trailer thing."
Mark snorted. "I still can't believe he spent a year living in that tin can." He shook his head.
"So, the Shepherds," Meredith prompted, trying to get them back to their original topic. "You feel like you're not a full fledged member?"
Mark stayed silent, but nodded.
"Derek told me you would go home with him at every break in college."
Again, Mark nodded.
"And they would get together to celebrate your birthday, just like everyone else?"
Another silent nod.
She furrowed her brow. "That sure as hell sounds like you're part of the family to me."
He sighed. "I always feel like I'm looking in..."
Meredith shook her head. "Mark, you slept with Addison; Derek's wife. You were effectively the straw that destroyed a Shepherd marriage... okay, maybe not the straw, because I'm pretty sure I was the straw, you were, like, the straw before that or whatever. Point is, you did this horrible thing that a lot of people would find unforgivable. But they still want to see you. You mean so much to this family, that they still want you around. Carol still sees you as a son. The sisters all miss you. Even Derek, the guy who should hate you the most, wants you there. Because they see you as part of the family."
He narrowed his eyes at her, but even that couldn't hide the smile in them. "You should advise yourself, Grey."
"What?"
"You're right. I did a horrible thing, and they still forgave me, are still welcoming me back. And yet, you're terrified of them. There are only five to impress. And you've got three solidly on your side. And you're still terrified? Come on, Grey."
"But... I'm the new one. They didn't know me before."
"Before what?"
Meredith paused, suddenly unsure of her next words. "Before everything that happened this year. I slept with Derek, even though he was married. And I know they know that."
"They know you didn't know he was married."
"Well, I knew he was married when I slept with him at the prom."
"But you were already in love with him."
"So? That's still no excuse. I've had my fair share of one night stands. I was terrified of the relationship thing, so I got by the only way I could, but I never went after a married guy. They were off limits. I was shocked when Addison showed up. Did you know she was the one to tell me? Just walked up to us, and introduced herself as Addison Shepherd. And I was so mad. Because I had always been so freaking careful. And somehow I had let my guard down twice; I had actually let someone in and he was married. But it eventually became acceptable, because they had been separated, and I honestly hadn't had the slightest idea. But I definitely knew what I was doing at the prom."
"I think you're being a little hard on yourself-"
"That is not for you to judge. He was married. I knew it. And we had sex. We had sex in an empty exam room for crying out loud. How does that not scream dirty, freaking, adulterous mistress?"
Mark smirked. "Okay, Grey, seriously. You are being far too hard on yourself. They were long over before prom, hell, they were long over before I slept with Addy. You were in love with him. He was in love with you. That absolves you. You need to forgive yourself. One time does not constitute an affair."
Meredith huffed, but finally sensed the merit in his words. "Have you forgiven yourself?"
Mark sighed. "I don't know."
She nodded. She understood. They really did have a lot in common. She glanced at her watch and sighed. The dirty mistress club was fast running out of time to finish their therapy session. "Look, Mark, I really am sorry about Michelle. But you just can't push these things. One person can't be moving faster than the other. But it's good that you're trying. You just have to find the right person."
He sighed. "I know, at least I think I know. I don't think I exactly saw a picket fence in our future, but I definitely saw an opportunity."
"You'll find someone, Mark. But you can't rush it. And I'm sure the Shepherds will be happy to see you. I doubt they'll judge you for it."
He nodded. "Okay, I'll believe that if you believe that you're not walking into a lion's den. They're good people, and they want Derek to be happy. They definitely won't hate you."
Meredith smiled and nodded. "Okay. Okay, we have a deal."
Mark smirked and held a fist out to her. She laughed and knocked her fist against his. "Deal," he agreed.
He closed his laptop and put it back into its carrying case as Meredith began to glance around for Derek. He was no where in sight. She scowled and turned back to Mark. "So, Derek says the house is about an hour from the airport?"
Mark nodded. "A little less if we get good traffic. It's on the outskirts of the city, so we just get right on the highway from the airport; pretty straight forward."
She nodded. "That's good. That gives me an hour for my final freak out once we land."
Mark laughed. "Hey, no more freaking out. We have a deal."
"I agreed not to expect them to hate me. I never said I wouldn't freak out. That's not something I can control."
He shrugged. "Suit yourself."
She was about to respond when their flight number was called to start boarding. And, as business class travellers, they were being asked to board first. And Derek wasn't back yet. She turned to Mark, who simply shrugged and gathered his bag and jacket.
Meredith followed suit, swinging her shoulder bag up her arm, and hooking Derek own laptop bag over the crook of her elbow. She followed Mark to the line, but knew she couldn't board before Derek returned, as both tickets were tucked into the side pocket of his bag. She pulled them out and glanced around worriedly.
It wasn't until they were almost at the front of the line that a warm presence appeared beside her and the weight of the handle against her forearm lifted.
"Hey," Derek said breathlessly, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "Sorry. I ran into a guy who was in my bio lab in undergrad. Lost track of time. I heard them announce the flight and I ran."
Meredith snorted and shook her head as he pulled his wallet out of his pocket to fish out his ID.
Even Mark laughed. "We were beginning to think it would just be the two of us."
Derek rolled his eyes. "Never. I made a promise to someone that I would be by her side the whole time, and I will." He hooked an arm around her waist and pressed his lips against her cheek. "You good?" He asked quietly, his eyes showing the concern he must have felt when he had realized he had left her alone for so long after her freak out.
She smiled and nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine." And for once, she meant it.
He narrowed his eyes at her expression and she rolled hers. "Seriously, Derek, I really am fine. Good, even." She kissed him for good measure.
"Good," he responded as she passed the attendant their tickets, and then they followed Mark down the tunnel to their plane.
000
After a few hours of drifting between light sleep and groggy awareness, Meredith finally gave up on the concept of sleeping while airborne. She had no fears of flying; she had just never been able to sleep comfortably while doing so. She lifted her head of its resting place on Derek's shoulder and sat up straight, stretching her spine.
Sighing, she settled back against her seat. A glance at her watch told her they were more than half way through the five and a half hour flight. Derek was slumped beside her in the window seat, fast asleep, his head turned towards her. She smiled and gently brushed his bangs off his forehead. It was amazing what she had discovered she could do without waking him. Four months of living with him had been very educational. He claimed he was a light sleeper, but that was apparently only regarding noise. There were few places on his body that contact would actually cause him to awake.
She thought back to her conversation with Mark. It had definitely done wonders to calm her nerves. Mark was right. If they were forgiving him, they should accept her place in Derek's life. And Mark's admittance about the family aspect had made her realize that maybe that was part of her anxiety as well. After Derek's reassurances a few weeks before, Meredith had really come to believe that marriage was definitely something she could handle. And sooner than she had originally believed. She no longer foresaw years being spent getting ready. That made it especially important that she made a good impression on the rest of the Shepherd's this weekend. The next time Derek mentioned the possibility of going back again was spring, for his mother's sixty-fifth birthday. And she didn't need to sit in Seattle for six months and wonder if she would be able to make up for a bad impression.
Glancing at the slumbering man next to her, she was comforted by the fact that she didn't have any doubts. This was the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with. She didn't think anymore; she knew. This was the man she was one day going to marry. This was the man who was open about wanting to marry her. She would be part of his family, and not like she was right now, but part of his actual, legal family. The thought sent chills down her spine. Family. They would be a family. The kid thing was still up in the air. She wasn't sure whether she could handle having kids; whether she could trust herself with the responsibility. But the once completely out of her grasp concept of life-long commitment and marriage was now well in her reach. If he proposed tomorrow, she would definitely say yes. And the thought of starting a family with him was... not completely out of the question. He would be a marvellous father, she had no doubt. And he would be there to help her.
And she knew how important family was to Derek. She knew how much he wanted her to be a part of his. Thus, it was important she fit in. It was important she get over her fears and find a place among his mother and sisters and their families. Because it was important to him. And she loved him. And there wasn't a thing in the world that she wouldn't do for him.
"What're you thinking about?" The soft question drew her out of her thoughts as she blinked and met his eyes, realizing she had been off in her own thoughts, looking towards him, but not seeing him. But he was definitely seeing her.
She smiled. "This weekend. Family. You."
He returned her smiled. "You seem calm."
She nodded. "I am. Mark and I talked while you were gone. I think it helped."
"That's good." He reached out to take her hand. "Is he okay?"
She nodded; glancing across the aisle to ensure the plastic surgeon was still asleep. She was jealous of the ability they both had of sleeping through an entire plane ride. But, as top notch surgeons, both Derek and Mark were called on distant consults a few times a year, often taking the red eye to conserve time. They had to learn how to get their sleep while they could. But she was still envious, having come off a twenty-four hour shift in time to shower and change before heading to the airport.
"Yeah, he's okay. Michelle broke up with him. And he's..." she trailed off, not wanting to say too much of what they had talked about when Mark had asked for confidentiality. "I think he's a little apprehensive about this weekend as well."
Derek nodded. "That makes sense. I'd be nervous if I were him." He shrugged. "But, he's family, so he'll always be welcome."
"That's awfully big of you."
Derek smiled. "What can I say? He was practically a brother to me. We grew up together. And Addison and I were way past the day we should have called it quits." He smiled at her. "And in the end, what he did and when led me to you."
She smiled back, squeezing his hand, and then leaning in to kiss him. "I love you," she whispered.
"I love you more."
She laughed and playfully smacked him on the shoulder. "Are we really going to start this again? I thought we agreed I loved you more."
He shook his head. "I never agreed to that."
"Well, then, I thought you said I was always right."
"No, I said you would always be right when we get-" He cut himself off suddenly, his light and playful expression becoming dark and worried.
She raised an eyebrow and laughed. "When we get married?"
He nodded. "Yeah, sorry. I wasn't sure if..." He trailed off. They hadn't talked about marriage again since their late night chat.
"You weren't sure if that was a one time thing?"
He chuckled. "You're being awfully clairvoyant today."
She laughed at his expression and kissed him again. "Let me set the record straight. It wasn't a one time thing. I'm doing okay with the talking and everything, better than okay." She looked him square in the eye. "I don't want you to feel the need to censor yourself around me. Even if some things are still scary, I can handle them. As long as they're with you, I can handle it."
A full fledged McDreamy smile made an appearance. "Okay."
"Okay." She smiled and couldn't stop herself from kissing him for a third time, this time longer.
"You seem much calmer," he commented again when she finally pulled away.
She breathed happily. "Yeah. I'm actually looking on the bright side, hoping for a good outcome. Which means I'll be crushed if everything goes to hell this weekend, but you said it'll be okay, and I believe you. So I'm deciding to go with the flow and make a good impression, and have a good first Thanksgiving."
The McDreamy smile made a second appearance. "Good. And I promise you won't be crushed."
"I know."
He laughed. "I should send you to Mark more often. It's certainly more effective that what I was doing."
The comment was made as a joke, but Meredith could sense the small tinge of unease behind it. "No. You are definitely my go to guy. Mark is just... we have a lot in common. He told me about his family, and I can totally commiserate with the absent parents."
"He told you about his family? Wow, he never talks about them."
She smiled. "Like I said, we have a lot in common. It gives us a certain understanding. He was nervous, and I told him that if they could forgive him and want him there after everything, then he was definitely part of the family. He told me if I could be so sure about their forgiveness towards him, that I should have more faith in their reaction to me."
Derek nodded. "That's true."
She sighed and met his eyes for several seconds. "I..." She trailed off and he squeezed her hand, offering the support and time she needed. "Look, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but Mark made me realize something and I need to tell you that I regret what we did. I hated you for not telling me you were married. I hated that I slept with a married man. But... I get it. You were separated, and in your mind it was over. And that's okay. I'm okay with that now. Really," she said to his look. "It's just... the prom. I-"
He nodded. "I regret it too."
"Really?"
He nodded again. "Absolutely. I never wanted to be that guy. The guy who cheats on his wife, or the guy who forces the woman he loves into that kind of situation."
"Derek-"
"No. You don't get to be sorry. It was my fault. I was so wrapped up in myself and wanting to be close to you, that I didn't see what I was doing to you. I just wanted so much to be with you. And I was so jealous when I saw you actually starting to move on. And that night..." He sighed. "I should never have let that happen. I think it's the thing I regret the most with you. I sunk to her level. I cheated on my wife. And I forced you into something that you were actively avoiding."
"No. You don't get to take all the blame. It took two to do what we did. Half of the fault is rightfully mine."
"If I had never lied to you, or forced you into that friendship-"
She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. At that moment, I knew you were married. I was sober and completely in love with you, but I knew you were married."
He sighed and nodded. "And I was sober and knew I was married."
"And we let it happen."
He nodded. It was the first time they had ever discussed their actions that night.
"It didn't change anything," Derek finally spoke up. "It was only a matter of time before I gave up pretending to try with Addison and landed on my knees on your doorstop, begging for you to take me back."
Meredith laughed at the visual. "That would have been something to see."
"It's what you deserved. You deserved a thousand apologies. And flowers and chocolates and absolutely anything else you wanted."
She smiled as tears came to her eyes. "All I wanted was you."
He nodded as his eyes also welled. He dropped her hand and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close and pressing his lips against the top of her head. "It should have been magical, when we finally got back together. It should have been gradual; I should have taken my time getting you to trust me again. There should have been dinners, and dates, and walks in the park. There should not have been a bitter ex-wife and hospital gossip and staring and controversy."
"Thank-you," Meredith whispered against his shoulder as she felt two tears slide over her lower lids.
"I feel like it will always mar the beginning of our relationship."
"Mark told me I needed to forgive myself, and I think he's got a point. We've forgiven each other, but we still need to forgive ourselves."
"How do we do that?"
"I don't know. It's weird, because I know you've forgiven me, and I know I've forgiven you. But, there's still that little part of me that won't let it go."
"I know exactly what you mean."
"You cheated on your wife. I was the other woman." She had no idea why it was suddenly so important to be talking about, but she wasn't about to hold back. She lowered her voice and continued. "I met your eyes across the floor, and it was so wrong. You were dancing with your wife. And I was with Finn, and he had literally just finished telling me he had plans. And I met your eyes, and I just knew what was going to happen. It was like I had a flash or something. I left and raced down the hall, but I knew you were following me before I could hear you. And you followed me into that exam room, and all of the things I was yelling at you meant nothing, because I knew I loved you. And I knew what was about to happen. And I knew that I wasn't going to stop it."
Derek nodded. "I knew too. I followed you, I couldn't help myself. I still couldn't believe what I had said to you. And I couldn't stand that you were in pain and it was all my fault... again." He sighed. "And you were in pain and you were yelling, and I have to admit, I don't think I processed half of your words. And then I just couldn't stand it anymore. And the moment you were in my arms again I knew there was no going back. It was like I had this horrendous headache from the moment I agreed to give it another try with Addison, and the second I kissed you it just disappeared."
She sighed as he trailed off. "Me too. But it was still wrong."
"Yes, it was."
"Would we feel less guilty if you had left Addison first?"
He paused. "I don't know. But there was definitely no guilt free way out of the situation, which, of course was my fault."
"Derek, even if you had signed the papers the first time, there still would have been guilt. You would have left your wife. I would have felt guilty about that too."
"But it was still my fault for putting you in that situation."
She raised her head off his shoulder and shrugged. "The only way you could have not put me in that situation was to never have come to Seattle. And that's definitely not something I wished had happened."
"Me neither."
"So, maybe there just wasn't a way to get from there to here without the guilt. Maybe it's just something we have to live with."
"I think you're right," he agreed.
"Of course I am; I'm always right."
He scoffed, but laughed anyway. "Not yet you're not."
"But I will be one day." And the meaning of her words was definitely not lost on either party.
AN: Okay, so I very rarely plan things before I write them, but I was trying to loosely map out the days of their thanksgiving trip, and I need some help! I am Canadian, and celebrate Thanksgiving on a Monday. I know American Thanksgiving is on Thursday, but I need to know what a typical thanksgiving weekend is like in the US. Football on Thursday?Only Thursday? Anything else special I should know about for Thanksgiving day or the rest of the weekend? And is Friday a holiday, like a day off work? Thanks ahead of time for your input, I can't finish the next chapter till I know some things.
AN2: With regards to Michelle... lol, I think it's funny how many people seriously did not like her. She was supposed to not be liked, but not exactly disliked, so that she could disappear relatively easily. But even as I was writing her, I found it hard not to make her more annoying; I actually kept erasing things. It's like she was just not meant to be liked at all. Anyway, she was never supposed to go to New York, but the concept of her was important to produce this chapter. She was always just Mark's rebound, and in my headthe type of girl someone like Mark would go for when he was hurt and trying to find a relationship, though I'm not Mark, nor am I a guy, so I'm just guessing here. LolHe'll get a real girlfriend eventually... I have a loose picture in my head of who it should be.