Author's warning: This contains some rather adult themes, be forewarned it gets a little darker than some of my stories, but nothing graphic.
Two days later:
Buffy sat hunched over in the cafe, her face blotchy from recent tears.
Willow had come in for a soda and found Buffy looking miserable. Forgetting about the desire for a soft drink, she sat beside her friend, willing to lend a comforting hand. "You and Angel are still fighting." It wasn't so much a question than a statement, anyone could clearly see the interactions between the living vampire and the world's oldest slayer weren't normal.
The past three days had been nothing but walking on eggshells between them. Neither spent more than a minute in the same room as the other.
Buffy slouched a little further into her chair, almost as if she were cringing with her whole body. "You could say that." She muttered into her arms, not looking up to meet her friend's green eyes.
"How are you doing?" The Wicca asked, not really needing to ask since she could clearly see the distress almost flowing off the blond slayer, but wanting to hear a statement from Buffy's mouth.
"Horrible." She whispered, her eyes refusing to let more tears fall, but unable to keep the salty water from shimmering within her hazel-green orbs.
"Did something happen?" Willow probed, hoping talking about it would help her friend to vent and eventually heal that rift that'd been torn between her and her husband recently.
The witch really hated seeing Buffy and Angel fighting, it made her fearful for her own relationship with her husband. Her and Oz had gone though some difficult times due to his part-time beastly status in life, but Buffy and Angel's solid relationship always gave her hope that everything would work out between them. When the slightly older couple fought, she could see her and Oz's own insecurities flashing between them.
Buffy wiped her still wet eyes on her sleeve, unwilling to let the shimmer interfere with her vision any longer. "I don't want to talk about it." She answered quickly, not currently able to tell her best friend what had happened last night. She was still too shocked herself.
"That's usually a sign you really need to." Willow replied just as quickly, seeing the clearly pained look in her friend's eyes.
Buffy shook her head, un-brushed blond hair swaying down around her shoulders. "I can't...it's...I can't, that's all."
After a few moments of silence, Willow voiced her hunch. "Buffy, did Angel do something to you last night?" She'd seen scratches on his cheek and several bruises on his face in passing that morning, but just assumed he'd had a bad encounter with a demon, but now that she thought about it, a pretty awful picture was forming in her mind. Those marks didn't look like they were made by a demon, they were slayer sized.
At the words, the tears Buffy had been holding back finally broke through her grip and ran freely down her cheeks, she couldn't reel in the shame and guilt anymore.
At the reaction Willow felt her own anger flair, in that moment she wanted nothing more that be be the powerful kick-ass witch she was and rein hell-fire down on Angel for doing whatever he did to her best friend. "What did he do?" She nearly ordered, already trying to remember some of the things Anya had boasted about doing to men who abused their wives.
Buffy shook her head, more focused on her own internal fight that Willow's near ready to charge. "He...he...he didn't do anything Willow."
"He must have done something Buffy, look at you!" The redhead really looked at her friend again, saw the paleness in her face and the shaky way her hands twitched on the table in front of her. She had this, kicked dog, air about her that was so unnatural for the normally spunky and proud slayer. She remembered Buffy looking this frail only once before, the night a soulless Spike had tried to rape her. "He forced himself on you, didn't he?"
What little color had been in the blond's cheeks vanished and Willow took that response as a definite yes answer. Enraged, Willow turned to go inflict some serious Wicca related pain on the man she had once thought of as a brother-in-law before this.
Seeing the black flash in Willow's eyes, Buffy panicked and grabbed at her friend's arm to stop her. "Will, No! He didn't! Please, it...it's wasn't his fault...I didn't...I should have..." Words came but Buffy couldn't make them form the right sentences.
"No Buffy, I'm not hearing this. Angel is going to pay for what he did to you!" Willow snapped, beyond angry Buffy would try to cover for him.
"No, I mean he didn't rape me!" Buffy finally managed to spit out, still yanking on Willow's arm to keep the witch from filleting her husband.
The redhead turned back to Buffy, ready to argue over how she couldn't deny or bury what happened and how she wasn't going to just stand around as Buffy turned into one of those woman who made excuses for their abusive partners instead of admitting the truth.
Buffy turned away from her, unable to meet the redhead's eyes, a look beyond guilt flashing in her face. "He didn't rape me, Willow." She repeated, after a moment of holding back tears, she managed to whisper. "I...I raped him."
Shock replaced the anger brewing in the witch, and for nearly a full minute the two just stood there.
Finally Willow found her voice, "Wh-what? I mean...ahh...oh." She had a functioning voice box but the words weren't available. She didn't know what to say to that.
Buffy hadn't looked at her, didn't want to see the shock and disgust she felt reflecting back at her from her friend's eyes. She moved back to collapse in the chair at the empty table again, wishing more than anything right now the ground would reach up and swallow her whole.
After another long pause, Willow collected herself and moved to sit back beside Buffy, still at a loss for words. Finally, "What happened?" made it out.
Buffy lay with her head on the table, supported by her arms that where crossed under her chin. "I don't know." She sighed out, still trying to figure out what she'd been trying to prove last night. She pushed herself up to sit upright but still couldn't manage to get her eyes to lift off the floor. Her mouth just opened and began to repeat what had occurred the night before.
"I...really don't even know what happened Will, I was just so mad at him. I confronted him and he just stood there, that blank guilty look on his face. Throughout the whole verbal assault he wouldn't even defend himself. I expected him to tell me why he did what he did, to try and justify it...but he just stood there soaking in what I was saying like he was nothing but a sponge. Finally, I just wanted to see him react to something, so I hit him."
She paused, controlling the flood of emotions before continuing, "I...I couldn't stop. He...he didn't even fight back...even his demon didn't fight back. He just stood there as I beat him, like he deserved it...and maybe I though he did at the time. Maybe he really did deserve it, I don't know. After, I just...I don't know, I wanted to hurt him more. I pushed him onto the bed...he knew what I was doing before I even knew. He...he said 'no' Will"
Tears welled in her eyes, "He said 'please Buffy, don't do this' but I couldn't stop myself. I was so mad and I wanted to hurt him. He didn't fight me...but he said no." She repeated again, still shocked at what she'd done to the man she she supposedly loved.
"After...I pushed him away and he just got up and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. I looked over at him while he was turned away getting dressed, and he was covered in bruises, scratches, bites...I marked him. I remember every single one. I remember wanting him to hurt...and he never fought back. I know he wasn't enjoying it, I know he didn't want to and that I was hurting him...and I didn't care...cause I wanted him to feel pain. And when he left, he didn't say he forgave me, or he was sorry, or even gave any indication what I'd done was wrong. The w-worst part, as he walked out...he sa-said 'I love you' and I-I didn't say it back...I always say it back." She was choking up, her voice shaking badly.
Willow sat in silence as Buffy told her story, feeling terrible for both of them. She knew Angel had deserved some form of punishment for what he'd done to Buffy, but what her friend was telling her went way beyond what she'd considered justifiable. It was true that Angel drinking from Buffy the way he had could be considered a form of rape, he took something from her she hadn't consented to. He'd used her willingness and love against her, manipulated her trust and abandoned her in the night with a cheap 'I'm sorry' note on the counter. That had been pretty damn low of him. But what Buffy just told her, Willow was beside herself.
"I beat my husband then I forced myself on him...and he says he loves me... How could he say that? How could I have done that Willow? Am I really that bad a person?" Buffy asked, tear streaked eyes finally looking up to meet her friend's, desperate to know she wasn't just another monster like the ones she spend her life staking.
Willow wasn't sure what to say, but she wrapped her arms around her sobbing friend as she cried into her shoulder, physical support the only comfort she could manage at the moment.
It took several long minutes, but she dug down deep enough to find a response.
"You're not a monster Buffy." The redhead said at length, understanding what Buffy was going though. She realized she'd had the same thoughts and feelings herself while coming to terms with killing Warren. Buffy hadn't murdered Angel, but vengeance wore many masks, it all boiled down to an act of violence in response to an act of violence.
"I feel like I am." Buffy moaned against her friend, "How could I do that to the father of my children? How can Angel ever even speak to me again? How can I ever being to apologize for this? How do I look at him? How do I look at myself?"
The witch ran her hand along Buffy's back in a soothing pattern, "That fact you're asking those questions proves you're not a monster. A monster wouldn't care, wouldn't show emotion...they might even think what they'd done was justified. Trust me, I know what I'm saying when sometimes emotions just...get out of hand. When Tara died, I lost sight of everything except for killing Warren...I was like a machine until I got to him. Nothing else even registered. It wasn't until after his death that I realized what I'd done; the rage settles, the dust clears, the blinders fall off. I hated myself, but that hate is good. It means you understand what you did was wrong, and you don't want to be that person again."
"Why didn't he fight me Will? Why did he let me do that to him?" She begged, still hung up on that simple fact. Angel hadn't even attempted to duck her punches, never even pulled back. He'd stood his ground and let her blows fall.
Willow knew the demon within Angel and the raw slayer power within her friend could react negatively with one another under stressful circumstances, and the the demon sometimes acted independently of its human host when it came to survival. She's seen it before, especially when it came to biting. The fact Buffy said Angel's demon hadn't defended itself either made her believe both human and demon combined honestly felt as if he'd deserved to be punished. That perhaps the desire for punishment had even invoked the reaction from the slayer.
However, using physiology to try and justify the reasons Buffy beat her husband probably wasn't what the slayer needed right now.
"I don't know Buffy, have you talked to him about it?" Willow offered, unable to know what Angel had been thinking. She doubted he'd done it purposely so Buffy would feel guilty and regretful afterwards.
"No...I...can't even look at him." Buffy admitted. "I'm too ashamed of what I did."
Willow shook her head, "You need to talk to each other at some point, you're married, you have two kids...these wounds will never get the chance to heal if you don't pull the knives out of them."
Buffy pulled away, composing herself and trying in vein to pat her wild hair down. "I know, I just...I can't." She was horrified to realized she was afraid to look at him, to see fear or mistrust in his eyes.
"So you guys haven't spoken at all since last night?" Willow questioned, trying to figure out how you lived with someone and raised a family together without speaking.
"We talked...to the kids." A frown washed over Buffy's lips, "Katie asked me at breakfast if daddy had bad breath because we hadn't kissed. He just told her it was because he got an ouch helping someone and his lips hurt. He just picked her up and brought her into the living room to play like nothing was wrong. She didn't see his flinch of pain from his shoulder, she couldn't see the bruises just under his shirt. Liam didn't notice Angel was moving slower because of the pain in his groin. They didn't know their mother did that to their dad."
Buffy looked back down at the floor, "I don't want them to ever know."
"They don't have to. This isn't about them, it's about you and Angel." Willow agreed, "But you need to talk to him. Things aren't going to resolve themselves if you don't."
Buffy had a sad smile, "And were're back to the 'I know, I just can't' statement."
Willow shook her red head, "I can't force you Buffy, well actually I could lock you both in a confinement cell until you talk it out, but I don't want to have to resort to that. He doesn't blame you Buffy, especially not if he told you he loves you."
"He doesn't have to blame me...I'm blaming me enough for the both of us." She answered.
The witch looked at her friend a moment, then asked, "Do you still love him?"
Buffy looked back at her a moment, a little taken aback. "What? Of course I do." That was part of the problem wasn't it? She really didn't feel very deserving of that love at the moment.
As Buffy stood there, she began to realize something.
She and Angel had switched places.
A few days ago he was the guilty party, he'd taken something from her without consent and she'd turned around and done the same to him.
That didn't make it right, or fair, or even...but she did understand now.
Sometimes circumstances push you to do things you wouldn't normally do, she experienced it herself now.
He'd made the decision to drain her impulsively while suffering from his feeling of inadequacy, guilt and undeserving her love. He'd felt like he needed an escape and he'd been through a pretty decent trauma recently and that rational bit in his brain had just short circuited.
She'd let her own anger and betrayal over that build up until it was uncontrollable. She'd wanted him to feel the pain she'd felt, but hadn't intended for him to suffer, but once she got a taste of it, she found herself unable to pull away.
If he'd resisted, she knew it would have triggered her to stop. But he hadn't because he'd felt as if he deserved it.
In a way, he used her anger to punish himself.
And now they were both feeling guilty and remorseful.
"I have to talk to him." Buffy said quietly, finding the taste of revenge not sweet at all, but bitter and stale.
Willow nodded, letting her know she'd last seen him heading down to the training room in the basement.
...
Buffy had insisted this was something she needed to do alone, and Willow had respected that, staying in the cafe as Buffy headed down in the elevator to find her husband.
Upon entering the basement, she could feel where he was and headed in that direction.
Once locating him, she felt a little disappointment that he wasn't alone. He was showing a handful of trainee slayers how to load the tranquilizer guns.
She wasn't surprised, he'd kept himself overly busy these last few days to keep from having too much time to think about much else.
When he felt her approaching, he glanced over his shoulder and noticed her actually looking at him, her eyes staying on him for more than a second (even if not quiet meeting his eyes) was more then he'd gotten from her over the past few days. He could tell she wanted to speak to him, and since she'd been actively avoid him for days, he figured it was important. He handed the unloaded riffle to the slayer across from him and excused himself.
They moved to the far corner of the room, giving themselves plenty of space from the slayers.
He wasn't sure what to except from his wife, he hadn't really seen her since last night and really didn't want to think too much about that subject. He wasn't angry at her, he accepted what she'd done as well within her rights, and if she'd come for round two, he wouldn't fight it.
"Are the kids ok?" He asked, figuring they would be one of the few reasons she'd come seek him out at the moment.
"Their fine." She replied, looking anywhere but his eyes, usually glancing as an exposed bruise or two.
"What's wrong?" He asked, seeing the red rimming her hazel-green eyes. 'Was she crying? What if not the kids would do that?'
At his concern, she realized at that moment he had absolutely no clue that she was full on hating herself for what she'd done to him.
Her heart tightened as he easily met her eyes, but felt a mix of relief and worry at the lack of fear or blame reflecting back in them. She could clearly see he wasn't skittish of her, nor did he pull back when she raised her hand to touch the dark blue and purple bruise still visible on his cheek.
He'd barely healed from the fight with Braggs men before her own hands reapplied a second layer of damage.
"What's wrong?" She repeated softly. "This is wrong" She said brushing the bruise on his cheek, then gliding her thumb over the black around his left eye, "and this. How do I even being to apologize for this?" She asked him quietly as she looked over the yet unhealed marks her own hands imprinted on his skin only hours ago.
He looked back confused a moment, not quiet understand her. "You don't" He replied back, "You've done nothing wrong."
She shook her head, "How can you say this isn't wrong?" She asked while running her finger over the bruises she knew were under his shirt.
"You acted within your rights." He defended her actions, seeing nothing wrong with it.
"What rights?" She shot back, almost getting angry at him again for defending her beating and sexual assault on him. "I hit you, I didn't stop when you said no...that's not normal Angel, that's abuse...it's marital rape."
It finally dawned on him what she was getting at, she was guilty over what she'd done.
"Buffy, you forget how old I am again. When I was growing up, there were no laws against domestic violence and rape wasn't even considered possible between a married couple. The church and the law agreed that when you're married, your body essentially become the property of your spouse, and beating your wife was actually condoned if she didn't obey you."
She looked back at him in near horror, "You're very badly kidding right?"
"I'm not. Marital rape didn't even become illegal in Ireland until 1990." He added factually, then switched back to a more personal tone. "You know I would never hold you to that archaic standard and it's not just because you'd kick my ass if I tried, but because I love you and I respect you. Ok, so maybe I have a double standard on myself, but I don't see anything wrong what you did. I deserved it. I betrayed your trust and I believe you had every right to pay me back for it."
After a moment she replied, "I don't."
"Well then I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that." He replied.
"So what? Next time you doing something I don't like you expect me to beat you up?" Buffy shot back, confused and angry at him again. "Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? How horrified I was to know I was even capable of that? And you expect me to just forget about it because you said you're fine with it? Damn it Angel, I don't want to hurt you, and I sure as hell don't want you wanting me to hurt you as some form of twisted old-school punishment. You don't just beat and rape your spouse then sweep it under the table."
"Buffy, what do you want me to say? Am I supposed to file charges against you? Should I just move onto the couch permanently? I can't change how I was raised and I can't..." His words cut short as he paused to investigate the stab of pain he suddenly felt in his shoulder. "What the..." He grumbled while pulling a red feathered dart from his flesh.
Buffy glanced at it then the group of slayers across the room, they were looking at then with a mix of amusement and terror. They hadn't been speaking loud enough for them to overhear the conversation but they'd obviously been watching.
Angel turned to the group of young girls, "Who shot thi..." He was demanding before the effects of the dart hit him like a truck.
Buffy felt panic spark to life as Angel's legs unexpectedly buckled, his eyes rolled back in his head as he lost consciousness and dropped boneless to the floor. She suddenly realized with a stab to the gut that the dart he'd been hit with hadn't been a training tool as she'd thought but a real one from the supply closet. Many of the serums were tranquilizers, but there were a few types that could kill a charging bull elephant in under 3 seconds.
She had no idea which one he'd just been injected with.
The trainee slayers panicked right along with Buffy, suddenly realizing this wasn't a game anymore and they could have actually killed their trainer.
"Angel?" Buffy cried as she quickly lowered him to the ground from where she'd caught him as he collapsed, repeating his name as she crouched beside him and patted his cheek while looking for a response.
He gave none.
Some of her initial fear subsided as she found his pulse, still holding steady and strong. "Get Cassidy." She ordered one of the girls, a young woman with dark curly locks that was babbling an apology. She obviously had been the one holding the tranq gun when it had fired.
Buffy knew that even if it was just a tranquilizer, if it was a strong enough dose Angel's respiratory system could shut down or he could go into full blown cardiac arrest.
She really didn't want her husband dying right in the middle of their argument.
"Go!" She barked at the still babbling girl, not wanting to hear a panicked apology right now from a freaking trainee but instead Cassidy telling her Angel would be fine.
...
*Fade in*
"...think he's coming around..."
*Fade out*
"Angel? Angel can you hear me?"
Angel's eyes slowly slid open, focusing on Cassidy's grey eyes hovering over him, a worried frown creasing her forehead.
"Can you hear me?" She asked again, studying his reactions, or more acutely, lack of reactions.
He blinked a few times, mind trying to shed the fog the sedative had injected into it. "Hmm?" He breathed out, hearing her words as if she were saying them underwater but couldn't quiet process them yet.
Cassidy's face pulled out of his line of sight a moment and the world dulled.
*Fade out*
"Angel! Angel, Wake up!" Cassidy tried again, this time grabbing his arms and shaking him a bit, hoping to snap him out of it.
That was a mistake.
Through the fog covering his thoughts, Angel felt someone grab him, and his demon reacted first.
Angel bolted upright, his eyes flashing a feral yellow as his fangs lengthened, his clawed hand grasping for Cassidy's neck as he snarled at her in aggressive offence.
'Oh shit.' Buffy reacted immediately, feeling his demon rousing dangerously the moment before he reacted.
Her hand grabbed his wrist as her other arm swung around his chest and neck, catching him in a near choke hold and jerking him back from his deadly trajectory for the MD's neck before he could unconsciously snap it.
Cassidy quickly stumbled away, making sure to keep the slayer between her and her patient until his senses returned. It wasn't the first time he'd snapped awake in full on attack mode, and she figured it wouldn't be the last. She was just glad Buffy reacted as quickly as she did before Angel's demon shredded her into ribbons.
"Angel relax." Buffy ordered, keeping even pressure on him as his demon struggled against her grip. She pulled him against her chest, knowing her heartbeat tended to calm him while he was in instinct mode.
He growled again, turning in her grip, his right hand grabbing at her left shoulder as he spun on her, quickly finding her neck in the closeness.
As his mouth grazed over her scar, she could feel his fangs hovering over her flesh before they pulled away in recognition, his lips whispering her name against her skin.
Picking up on his demon settling, she let herself relax a bit more and released her hold on his wrist, moving her right hand run her fingers though his hair.
"Angel?" she asked when his weight sag against her, his face still buried against her neck.
She looked down at him, finding his golden eyes were heavily lidded but blinking slowly as he fought off the effects of the drug and awoke fully. His breathing was evening out as his body relaxed, the adrenaline drying up.
"They're dead." He muttered against her neck.
"What? Who?" She asked, uncertain if he was actually fully conscious or still out of it.
"Whoever shot me." He growled, suddenly pulling away from her to sit on his own.
She was about to grab him again, but she realized he wasn't homicidal anymore, just plain old pissed off. She knew he was back in control as the vampire's features disappeared from his face, leaving an annoyed scowl on his lips.
"I already dealt with them." She insisted, having had a nice long 'talk' with the group of trainees earlier while Angel was still unconscious.
"How's that?" He questioned, turning to look at her as she sat on the cot beside him.
"I failed them all and told them if they wanted a passing score they needed to retake the class with Xander." She explained, leaving out a few choice swear words she might had added while she was screaming at them for their negligence.
He looked blankly back at her a moment, then raised his eyebrow. "And they used to say I was evil?"
She glared back at him, not finding his dark humor all that amusing at the moment.
They both knew having Xander teach a course with a firearm of any kind was torture for the class. The military training he'd received from the Halloween they all became their costumes gave the once class clown a very real understanding of weapons. Thus when he taught a class, he spent significant time flaunting it. The students would have to learn every single tranquilizer gun part, how to disassemble and reassemble it blindfolded, the history of tranq guns, and all of that before they ever got close to firing it.
A normal 30 training session would be more like 3 hours.
It would be pure torture for the young and impatient slayers.
"Yeah, well I get a tad pissy when the person I'm having a conversation with is shot before we're done talking." she blurted as a cover for the very real terror she'd felt when he'd passed out.
"Yeah, I remember." He muttered, remembering the time Faith had shot him with a poison arrow while he and Buffy were arguing. "At least the parts I was awake for." He added a second later.
A not quiet comfortable silence fell between then again, so Cassidy took that as a good time to interrupt. "Umm, Buffy. Could you give us a few minutes please?"
The slayer looked over at the MD, a little taken aback that she was being dismissed. "What? Why? I'm his wife." She was used to full disclosure.
"It's nothing really. I just want to talk to him alone a moment, that's all." The doctor emphasized, the word alone.
Angel looked over at Cassidy curiously, then back at his wife. "Best not piss her off, she's the one with the needles."
Buffy frowned but nodded quietly, knowing they'd need to resume their 'talk' at a later time. "Ok, fine. I should go check on the kids anyways." She muttered and left the room, heading for the elevator and the upper floors with an uncomfortable feeling in her gut.
Once the blond had left, Angel turned his dark eyes to his physician. "Why did you want her to leave?"
Cass moved beside the bed and looked him over again, taking in the marks on his chest and face. "Because I know those bites and scratches weren't made by a demon and since I'm the one who inserts your catheter I know about the other bruises too."
"Speaking of, anytime you want to pull that out would be great." He grumbled, hating waking up to feeling a tube in his groin and not really wanting to go down the path she was indicating.
Ignoring his deflection she shook her head, "When we're done talking I'll think about it."
He growled and crossed his arms over his chest, fully prepared to stare her down.
"Angel, I'm a doctor. I was trained to see signs of spousal abuse. I know men often don't report it out of embarrassment or..." She started but Angel's un-amused laugh cut her off.
"Cass, just stop right there. I know what you're going to say and as much as I appreciate the concern, I'm asking you to keep out of this. What happened between Buffy and I is personal."
"When I'm the one treating your wounds it becomes my business." She countered. "You don't get bruises like that from consensual coupling"
"Buffy sometimes doesn't know her own strength." He defended his wife.
"I really doubt that." She said so he knew she wasn't buying it.
"Look, I made a mistake Cass, and I payed the price for it." He defended, "That's all."
"That's all?" Cassidy repeated, crossing her arms over her chest with a raised eyebrow. "Yeah, and I'm actually just a drunk gunslinger from a video game." She replied sarcastically.
Angel's eyes narrowed as he was losing patients with his doctor. "Buffy didn't do anything to me that I wasn't willing to allow her to do."
She studied his eyes a moment, seeing the honesty in his words. "Does she know that?" the redhead questioned, having seen the guilt in the blond slayer's eyes as she sat nervously for nearly three hours waiting for Angel to awaken from his unexpected nap.
He looked away, turning that question over in his head a few times.
"Listen Angel, I'm not going to pretend I know what's going on in your head, but you're not invincible. Provoking a slayer to take her aggression out on you isn't exactly how you reach the old age your mortality will grant you if you live long enough." She let him chew that though over while she removed the catheter.
He was quiet while she worked, silently wincing a few times as she tugged the tube free from his bruised organ.
Once she was done, she tossed the shirt he'd been wearing earlier to him. "You know, I've clocked a lot of hours into patching you up, and I much as I like getting paid, I really don't enjoy seeing my friends hurt." She met his eyes, "You keep on this path Angel, Katie and Liam are going to end up growing up without their father."
"This isn't a normal occurrence Cass, I'm not suicidal nor am I a masochist. My upbringing was a lot different than today's and I did what I thought was just. I betrayed my wife's trust, I took her blood without her consent and then I abandoned her. I took away her control and her power...she needed to take it back."
Cass shook her head, "I don't think she feels the same way."
"No, she doesn't" He agreed. "That's where we differ. I share my soul with a demon, I've lived in that darkness for more than half my existence. Buffy's never been a monster, she doesn't see the world as I do. She can't." He paused a moment, collecting his thoughts. "After all these years, after all the darkness I've tainted her with, I wonder how there can still be light in her eyes."
"You're pretty stupid if you don't realized you are the light in her eyes." Cass said quietly.
He turned to look at her, a doubtful expression on his face.
Cassidy spoke before he could, "You don't usually see it Angel because you're unconscious at the time, but I see it. She sat by your bed for nearly three hours today, unable to move away until she knew you'd be alright. It didn't matter that you two were fighting, that raw fear and anxiety over loosing you never left her face until you opened your eyes."
"Which was actually my demon trying to rip your throat out." He muttered apologetically to dodge the emotions rising in him.
"And despite the fact you weren't coherent and were trying to kill me, whether she realized it or not, she still pulled you against her vulnerable neck and trusted you not to bite her...and you didn't."
He thought that over a moment.
She settled down on the bed across from him and looked into his dark thought clouded eyes. "You don't taint her with your so called darkness Angel, you're the lighthouse in the dark keeping her off the rocks, you keep the darkness away from her. And right now, I bet she's feeling like a big chunk of that lighthouse is missing, and she's drifting closer and closer to those rocks."
At length, he nodded. "I need to talk to her."
"Yes, you do." She agreed, pulling the heart monitoring pads off his chest.
She stood and grabbed the rest of his clothes that were neatly folded on the table, tossing them to him she said with a grin, "Get dressed and go away please. I don't want to see you down here again anytime soon."
He let his mouth twitch in response, "Yes Doc."
He dressed quickly as she cleaned up the Med-ward, pulling sheets off the beds so they could be washed.
Before he left, he approached her, she paused her work to address him.
"Didn't I dismiss you? Or did you want to stick around for Jell-o?" She asked curiously. Usually he fled the second he could, dismissed or not.
He snorted, "The ice cream, yes, but I'll pass on the Jell-o." Then he sobered a bit, "I just...I wanted to say thank you."
She smiled softly at him, not getting many opportunities to really just talk to him as two friends as opposed to patient and doctor. "You're welcome." Then added, "Now no mush please. Just try and not get yourself killed anymore, you're hell on my supply budget."
He grinned again and smiled wickedly, "Who do you think approves that budget?"
"Well you get that you pay for." She smiled back.
He returned the smile and headed out to locate his wife.
...
He found Buffy in her office, Dawn sitting Indian style across from her with Liam in her lap as Katie played nearly with barbie dolls. He was about to walk in when he overheard the two sister's conversation and stopped cold.
"I'm thinking divorce." Buffy replied to her sisters earlier question.
"What!" Dawn exasperated, looking shocked and disbelieving, "How can you say that?"
"Easily" Buffy said the word in segments to emphasis it, "Di-vorce. See how easily I can say it. Face it Dawn, we both know it's over. Nothing is going to bring that sunk ship back from the depths."
"But...but what about couples counseling or a temporary separation?" The younger Summers defended.
Buffy just shook her head, "Oh come on Dawn, you know that stuff doesn't actually work out. Especially not after what he did." The blond sister shot down immediately.
Angel had heard enough, he quickly fled from the room before they noticed him standing there.
Buffy turned around and looked out at the slightly open door as she noticed that flutter in her spine that indicated Angel was close suddenly disappeared. She hadn't felt him approach but suddenly had a bad feeling he may have been standing at the door listening to them talking.
"Buffy?" Dawn asked, seeing her sister looking at the door, "What's up?"
"I have a bad feeling Angel might have been listening at the door." The slayer replied, really hoping she was wrong.
"Oh, does he watch 'Passions' too? Do you think he'll side with me about them having a happily ever after or with you about Jessica and Steve getting a divorce?"
"He doesn't watch it and I don't think he knows that's what we were taking about." Buffy replied quickly, getting to her feet before her spouse did something stupid again.
Dawn realized what Buffy meant and looked horrified, "Oh god, you better go find him."
"Watch the kids, please and thank you." She said on her way out the door.
...
It took longer to find him that she'd expected. He'd wanted to disappear from everyone's radar and he managed that pretty well by retreating into the building's unfinished sub-basement. It had all the delights and charms of a sewer tunnel without the sewerage smell at least.
When she finally located him, he was sitting on the cold cement floor by the back wall, arms resting on his knees as he stared at nothing in particular. She could tell he wasn't even aware of her presence yet, he was too lost wherever he was in his mind right now.
Her guess was proven right when she dropped down beside him and he jumped a little, eyes snapping back into focus as he was drawn back into the hear and now.
"And here I though we were done playing hide and seek." She tried to lighten the mood a little, but he didn't buy it.
"I'm guessing that expression means you were lurking in the doorway earlier." Buffy stated to prove her hypothesis.
When he didn't look up but his expression somehow turned guiltier, she knew she'd been right.
She sighed and shook her head, "And I'm guessing you don't know Dawn and I were discussing the season premier of 'Passions'."
Again he had no discernible response so she continued. "The mystery of the week is whether Jessica and Steve will get back together, or get a divorce. Dawn thinks they'll go to counseling but I wasn't buying it. Jessica caught Steve in bed with a pair of sisters in Vegas last season, had he not already cheated I would have been willing to bet they had a shot, but I think the relationship is doomed now."
Finally he turned to look towards her, a tiny spark of hope glimmering in his dark eyes, "You weren't talking about us?"
She let that little smile return, "No dummy, I wasn't talking about us. Had you actually come in instead of being all lurky in the hall you would have known that."
He closed his eyes a moment, letting out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. She could see a good deal of the tension in him dissipating.
Taking a chance, she moved closer and leaned her head against his left shoulder. She was a little disappointed when his arm didn't automatically wrap around her, but she was glad he didn't pull away at least.
A moment later his bent legs stretched out straight, his feet crossing at the ankles which giving her a slightly comfier position against his side.
"I'm thinking that talking about us should probably happen right about now-ish." She spoke, taking his left hand into her lap and playing with his fingers.
She turned her head and looked up at him, his was quietly watching her spin his wedding ring around on his finger.
"Probably." He agreed, still a little afraid she was just messing with him and really did come down here to say she did want a divorce. "I was coming find you to do just that, but after hearing what I thought I heard..." he trailed off.
"You bailed." She finished.
He sighed, disappointed in himself again. "Yeah."
"So, where were we before you took an unexpected nap?" She asked, unsure where to start.
"Arguing." He replied hesitantly.
"Ok." She muttered, "Let's pick a different starting point then."
He exhaled as the arms she'd pulled around herself tightened, drawing her in closer. She felt his chin press against the top of her head. "I'm so sorry Buffy." He spoke quietly to her.
"I think that was my line." She answered back, a little taken aback why he was apologizing after what she'd done.
"No, it's not." He assured. "One of the things Cass wanted to talk to me about were my bruises. She knew they weren't from a demon."
Buffy turned to say something but he shook his head to let him finish, "Like I told her, you didn't do anything to me I wasn't willing to let you do. The demon in me doesn't understand emotions like guilt and remorse, it only knows action and reaction. My upbringing led me to believe you had the right to take back what I'd taken from you and punishment was all my demon would have understood. I realize now I only put you in an impossible situation and I'm sorry for that. I can't take it back, but I can assure I won't let it happen again."
"You didn't make the choice for me Angel. I chose to hit you." She disagreed.
"I let you." He countered, "Hell, I encouraged you."
She was silent to that a few moments, thinking it over.
He spoke again to break the silence, "I violated you that night I drank from you, I took your power away. I thought it was justified you take it back."
"That's not how it made me feel." She responded, feeling just the opposite really.
"I know that now." He answered, "Thus the apology for being an idiot...again."
"You really love to blame yourself don't you?" She questioned.
He let a small smile tug at his lips, "I've got a lot of experience in it, and I find it a hell of a lot easier than blaming you."
"You know I'm not immune at blame, I can be blamable too." she countered.
"The only thing I can ever blame you for is making me happy. Which under current circumstance is a hell of a lot less bad that it used to be."
"Not funny." She muttered, never finding him losing his soul a funny concept...ever.
"Wasn't laughing." He assured. "But as for what happened the other night, you're not to blame, not unless you insist on sharing."
"I do insist, you can't hog blame all the time you know."
"Fine, 70/30 my fault." He suggested.
"50/50" She counter offered.
"60/40 final offer." He insisted on taking the higher share of blame.
"50/50 or you're on the couch again tonight." She gave her final suggestion.
He relented, "Ok, you win."
"That's what I like to hear." She smiled to herself at the small victory.
They fell silent again, this time a much more comfortable one as she sat leaning against him.
"I'm going to put it out there that I'm done with the decision making for a while." When she looked up at him he continued, "Anything you want from me Buffy, just say it and it's yours."
"I want what I always want Angel." She spoke quietly.
When she moved away from him his first thought was he's said something wrong, but she then her leg slipped over his and she moved to straddle his lap, sitting on his legs so she could study his face, she answered, looking deep into his eyes. "I just want you."
She ran her finger along his cheek and he unconsciously leaned into it, enjoying the contact that had been missing the last few days between them.
Tentatively, she leaned down to brush her lips against his. The touch was light at first, then deepened as he responded positively, his arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her in closer, greedy for her warmth.
When the first kiss they'd shared in days ended and she leaned back to look at him again, his lips twitched into a smile as he replied, "I think I can handle that."
She grinned and leaned back in, ready for another kiss.
He obliged.
Their kisses were slow but passionate. They weren't the kind that led to ripping off clothes and to lustful lovemaking, but were meant to help re-bond the torn ends of trust that had been stretched thin and pulled weak over the last few days. They'd barely touched at all since before the fateful night Angel left with Amanda and Stacy and they both desperately needed to mend the gaps that had grown between them.
Buffy was reminded of the long relaxing make-out sessions she'd shared with Angel in Sunnydale's cemeteries while she should have been patrolling during her sophomore year. She hadn't felt that youthful innocence in years and was greatly enjoying it. Now that she wasn't a minor and Angel's soul wasn't in jeopardy, kisses between them usually heated up to something far beyond simple tongue in cheek that even epic smooches were back then.
However, even as she thought it, she could feel what her rising body heat was doing to Angel, whether he wanted it to happen or not. She could feel her own body responding far more sexually to that than she mentally desired now too.
"Ok, stupid hormones." She muttered with a mix and giggle and annoyance.
"Mmm, Hmm." He breathed out, clearly not paying attention to anything but her neck as he shifted for a better purchase.
Realizing he was too far gone to stop on his own, she shifting herself off his lap to sit beside him, facing the same direction as him as apposed to on top of and facing him.
Remove the temptation.
The moment she broke contact, his eyes opened to reveal misty confusion, "Buffy?"
"At ease soldier." She joked as she settled herself against his shoulder again, letting his left arm pull her in securely against his side.
"What?" He asked confused, his mind still too full of their kisses to process information correctly.
A moment later, he noticed what she'd meant. "Oh." He muttered with a smirk, "Well I'm letting you take the full blame on that." He found no shame in getting aroused while his wife was straddling him and kissing him. To be honest, he wasn't sure he wanted anything beyond kissing to happen at the moment either, he didn't want to push their tentative truce.
"Guilty as charged." She smiled against his chest again, a little embarrassed and apologetic for getting him all hot and bothered, but enjoyed the feel of his warm shirt against her skin and the steady thumping under her ear. "That never used to happen back in the cemetery" She giggled, wondering still at the innocence back then. A time when deep sensual kisses had been the most sexually explicit activity in her life.
He had to think about what she meant a moment, then grinned. "That you were aware of." He commented with the same smirk, now just a little wider.
She looked up at him with a dubious stare, "Oh trust me, I would have noticed that."
'Is that a stake in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.' Came to mind amusingly.
"I'll admit it was a lot easier to control when I had no blood flow, but with you..." He added a moment later as he nuzzled against her hair, "that never seemed to be an issue." He was still willing his body to settle back down but it was not obeying with Buffy's own arousal lingering in his nose.
"You pervert." She ribbed with a grin, realizing he was basically telling her he'd been fully aroused while making out with a 16 year old in the cemetery at night. 'Oh my god, I married a pedophile.'
"Hey, not my fault I was born in 1727 while you were born in 1980." He defended himself, hoping to convey that just because they were born in different centuries their attraction to one another shouldn't automatically be taboo.
"God, when you say it like that you sound like a pedophile." She joked back at him, enjoying the playful banter.
He snorted, "Yeah, whatever you say little miss necrophilia."
She turned on him, "Hey! I'm not into...Ok I was into one...ok two dead guys...undead guys...but you're not dead anymore so that no longer counts."
"Well you're not 16 anymore so enough with the pedophile references." He countered. "And for the record, you were 17, not to mention I said 'maybe we shouldn't' then you proceeded to sleep with me."
"Are you accusing me of something?" She warned, not sure where he was going with that.
That smirk tinted his lips again, "Maybe being a little too undeniable."
"Are you complaining." She questioned, pulling away a little to look up at him.
"God no. Ok, so debarring the fact it was technically statutory rape..." He pulling her back against him, "it was one of the best nights of my life." He admitted, pressing his lips to her forehead. Before their children had been born, he would have actually said the best night of his life, but now there were so many incredible memories with her to choose from.
She relaxed again, a smile finding it's way to her lips as she remembered giving her virginity to him that night. It seemed so long ago now.
"I really wished you'd have been there when I woke up." She said quietly against his chest.
"So do I." He whispered into her hair.
They fell silent again, just enjoying the feel of one another now that the tension of their previous fighting was over.
It wasn't until she noticed Angel's heartbeat slowing that she realized he was falling sleep.
Her own body was quickly following suit, having missed out on much restful sleep these last few days with them fighting and not spending the night beside one another.
She figured he hadn't had much in the way of restful sleep while sleeping on the couch every night. She doubted his incident with the tranquilizer earlier that day added any positives into the sleep column either, being unconscious usually didn't refresh the body any.
She hadn't actually realized she'd fallen asleep too until a loud ringing startled her awake.
She jumped and looked around, her mind still fuzzy and unable to decipher from where the noise was coming from.
"What are you doing?" She snapped when she felt Angel's hand begin to grope her bottom.
"Answering the phone." He stated while he pulled the shrieking devise from her back pocket and brought it to his ear.
"Angel." He muttered into the speaker, still half asleep himself.
Buffy could hear a muffled voice on the other end but couldn't make out the words.
"Yeah." Angel answered an unheard question, "We'll be right up." He listened again and smiled a little. "I'm sure they are." Again the muffled voice droned something and he finished with, "Thank you Dawn."
"What's up? Are the kids alright?" Buffy asked as he shut the phone and handed it back to her.
"Yeah, they're a little cranky but since it's pretty much bedtime it's to be expected." He answered.
"It's what?" She questioned, grabbing his left wrist to look at his watch and reading that it was nearly 8:30pm. "Oops, I guess we fell asleep."
"I guess we did." He replied as he went to stand.
Before he could push himself up, she suddenly grabbed his cheek and turned him to face her, her hazel-green eyes scanning over his features.
"What?" he asked uncertain of what she was doing.
"Your bruises are gone." She answered with a note of wonder, taking in the clear, blemish free skin covering his face. Pulling up his shirt she found the marks on his shoulder gone as well. She assumed the areas still invisible under his garments were also healed.
"Hey now." He protested her yanking his shirt up further, "You keep that up and I'm going to want to reciprocate." He warned, letting her know if she was going to yank his clothes off, he was going to do it right back.
She flashed him a mysterious grin as she turned and headed towards the stairs, "Once the kids are asleep, maybe I'll let you."
He was left watching her retreating form for a moment before he jumped to his feet and followed after her.
...
Plans didn't go so well.
The kids were fussy at bath time and took forever to fall asleep. By the time both were finally tucked in and dreaming it was well after 10pm.
Any lingering sexy plans were laid to rest when Buffy exited the bathroom after brushing her teeth to find Angel snoring under a layer of blankets.
Rolling her eyes but unable to suppress a smile, she slid under with him and snuggled in close.
Just feeling his warmth against her skin was a welcomed relief to the last few nights of slipping into a cold bed.
That penetrating feeling of being...alone.
In his slumber, he shifted his arm around her waist as she scooted closer to him.
Buffy smiled as she nested her head against her favorite pillow, Angel's shoulder, and let her eyes drift shut.
...
Sometime after 2am, Buffy awoke alone.
"Angel?" She called quietly into the dark room, feeling he was still around somewhere.
She ran her hand over her neck as a precaution, but no new punctures were felt anywhere on her skin. She'd known there wouldn't be then felt almost guilty for having even checked.
Almost.
Forcing herself not to panic or jump to conclusions over why he left, she eased out and bed and began the search to figure out why he'd wandered off. Something had to be bothering him, she just hoped it wasn't her presence.
As it turned out, she didn't need to look real hard to locate her husband.
Angel was sitting quietly on the couch as she descended the stairs into the living room. It was dark, but she could make out his outline easily enough.
"Did you miss the couch?" She asked lightly as she closed in.
His shadowed silhouette moved slightly, indicating he'd looked over at her as she spoke.
"Not even remotely." He replied sounding rather glum.
Moving closer, Buffy probed, "So why are you sitting down here then?" 'Does he not want to be near me? She wondered with a note of unease, slightly afraid her actions the previous night had scarred him more than he'd admitted.
She heard him take a deep breath and sigh it out.
"I don't know." He answered after a few long seconds of silence, "I just...I don't know."
Discouraged she couldn't read his face, she sat down beside him to try and get a better look at him the a dim moonlight. His features were far more vivid with the shadows playing across his face, making his cheekbones pop in contrast and his eyes inky black pools of mystery.
Almost hesitantly, she lifted her right hand to his cheek and ran her thumb along the warm skin, as if she were trying to wipe away the shadows.
He leaned into the contact, already hungry for more of her touch. Instead of giving into that desire, he pulled away.
For a moment, her hand hung in the space between them before she slowly pulled it back to lie restlessly in her lap.
"I'm sorry." Angel apologized after a tense moment, feeling like as ass for pulling away from her.
"No, no." Buffy defended him, "it's my fault..."
Angel cut her off, "No it's not. It's mine."
"Here we go again." She signed, remembering their earlier conversation in the basement of AI.
"That's not what I meant, Buffy." He stated. "I'm just...I do want your touch...in fact, I want it too much."
She looked up at him, not comprehending the backwards logic. "You came downstairs because you want to touch me?"
"I want to do a lot more than that." He told her, "but...you...you didn't want to earlier."
"Oh." She exhaled, realizing what he meant. "You came down to avoid the temptation."
He nodded, "Yeah."
A smile slowly streaked across her face, "Well, I think we can do something to correct that." As she spoke, she slid her leg over his until she was once again straddling his thighs.
She more felt than saw him swallow hard.
"Is this what you want?" She asked in a husky voice, anxious for a little make-up sex to help relieve any leftover tension.
"Yes." He answered almost immediately, but forced his enthusiasm down enough to add, "But...is it what you want?" He didn't want her to push herself into doing something she wasn't ready to let happen.
She leaned in close, close enough to tease him mercilessly with her breasts just inches from his face. "Do you think I'd be sitting here if it wasn't?"
He made a brave attempt at keeping his eyes on her face.
"Good point." He muttered before her lips descended over his with a hunger equal to his own.
Pulling her body in closer, Buffy could feel something else beside her words were making a point at the moment.
He moaned against her lips as she nudged his arousal.
"That was quick." She grinned against his ear as she ran her fingers though the thick spikes of his hair. 'A little too quick.'
"Hardly." He breathed out, reveling in the feeling of her hands moving over his skin, "Been like that for hours now."
'So that's why he came downstairs' She concluded, 'Lying beside me got him all hot and bothered again and he though I wasn't ready to make love to him.'
However hard it was, she pulled back from his lips so she could look at him as best she could in the poor lighting, she knew he could see her perfectly clear. "I didn't want to earlier because...well I thought you might not want to. I thought you might be hesitant to make love again after..."
"That wasn't making love Buffy and you know it." He interrupted, his hand brushing a stray golden hair behind her ear. "This." He said as he brushed his lips over hers again and their kiss resumed a moment. "This is love." Those large hands moved across her lower back, pulling her closer to him, "and I always want love from you, in any way, shape or form."
Her smile against his mouth tasted wonderful.
Buffy sobered a moment and leaned her head against his shoulder, the real reason of her hesitance breaking out, "What I did to you the other night..."
"Don't" He said, not wanting to get backing into the blame game again.
"No, I need to say this and you need to hear it." She overruled. This was bothering her more than anything else, and she figured somehow he was picking up on it too. She wanted to make love to him and his body was obviously seeing that message loud and clear on account of his arousal, but she was pulling away because of what she was feeling now. His body picked up on that too when he left their bedroom tonight.
He stopped his hands from roaming under her shirt and looked down at her lovely but sad marred face as she sat in his lap. "What is it Beloved?" He asked softly, seeing a cloud of emotions swarming in her hazel-green eyes.
Her chest rose and fell with a heavy breath, then her words muttered into his skin as she pressed against him, not wanting to look up at his face in the darkness, "What I did to you...it made me feel...unclean."
His fingers lifted and ran a soothing trail on the back of her neck, encouraging her to speak.
"I feel dirty Angel." She admitted, finally meeting his eyes. "Every time I touched you, it made me feel dirty."
Those fiery lips of his brushed hers again, coaxing a kiss from them.
"Does that make you feel dirty?" He asked calmly.
"No." She breathed out, her lips itching for his taste again.
"How about this?" He asked while his strong fingers slid up her shirt again.
A smile tugged at her lips at the ticklish sensation, "No."
He shifted slightly and she could feel his hard length press against her womanhood.
"And that, does that make you feel dirty too?" He managed to ask over the pleasure he felt.
"God no." She almost purred against his lips, "That feels amazing."
"Then make love to me Buffy, let me make you feel clean again." He whispered into her ear.
And did she ever.
...
Afterwards, they were lying together, sunk into the plush fabric of the couch beneath them, their bodies still joined. They were breathing heavily, their heart rates settling after such a strenuous but desired display of affection.
They were pleasantly drained, but still awake, just relishing the renewed love and trust bonding between them.
"I love you." Buffy breathed out against her lover's broad chest, feeling an overwhelming desire to say it to him.
Even though she wasn't looking up at him, she could feel his smile.
"I love you, a chuisle, always." He replied, pressing a kiss to the top of her golden head.
They laid contently together for awhile, feeding off the love they'd made.
Buffy had almost fallen asleep when Angel's movements roused her. "Where are you going?" She more or less demanded as he swung his legs off the couch.
Before she could get up, he scooped her up, blanket and all into his arms. "We" he emphasized, "are going upstairs because honestly, I'm sick of the damn couch."
Realizing he was carrying her upstairs and not trying to escape again, she relaxed in his arms and let him bring her up the stairs to their bedroom. Usually she didn't care too much for the chivalry, she liked to open her own doors and carry herself places, but occasionally she enjoyed the pampering.
A few seconds later he placed her down on their bed and slipped in beside her.
"Better?" she asked as he got comfortable.
"Almost." He muttered as he fidgeted with the sheets.
She scooted closer and he wrapped her arms around her as she settled against him. "How about now?" She questioned.
He smiled and kissed her cheek, "Perfect."
Soon after, they fell into a deep and restful sleep.
...
End
...