A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. If I did, Rpattz would be writing my review replies. The response to this story has totally overwhelmed me...I'm in shock. :D

This is unbeta'd, so any and all mistakes belong to me. It's early, I have children everywhere. They think I should feed them before sending them off to school. Picky, picky. :)

This is for my wifey, Mrs. Robward. She loves the angsty sadness, as shown by the story she's writing for me. And she made me cry... You're gonna love what she has coming!

Thanks to Luxure & EdwardsBloodType for prereading this. I, I love them like a love song, baby. I, I love them like a love song, baby. I, I love them like a love song, baby. And I keep hitting repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat. :D (Sorry, I like teeny bopper songs. :D )

**disclaimer **

This story is a bit taboo. I think we're all agreed...poor, heartbroken Edward. :( Don't worry, Bella's not fairing much better. :(

~:O:~:O:~:O:~

… Chapter Eleven - Realize … Bella …

~:O:~:O:~:O:~

I cry half the night, sobbing about the way I lied to you.

You didn't believe me at first, I could see it in your eyes. But that changed. I convinced you. I hurt you. Maybe ruined you.

My mind wanders back to the first time we spoke, replaying it over and over again. On a loop. An endless loop.

"Mom," she begged, "please! He's so cute, Mom. I promise, I'll be good."

"Leah, you can't single date while you're in high school. You know the rules."

"But Mom, he's one of the altar boys from church, the new one who's so cute. I can't tell him no, Mom. Believe me, if you just saw him..."

I'd seen you. Every woman in church had seen you. You were the new boy, from the new family, the new doctor in town. Lots of rumors swirled around your arrival, but it came down to the military. Your father was a newly retired Army doctor.

I had watched you move, the way your shoulders straightened when you were working. The way your lips puckered when the Reverend approached you, giving you a task to complete. The way your tongue slipped between your lips when you concentrated.

Believe me, I had watched you. My eyes drawn to the 18 year old you who was forbidden to me.

Leah had watched, too. I knew how much she wanted to date you, to maybe love you someday. I wanted it too, for me, but I could never tell anyone.

I'd never felt that feeling before. I was relatively happy, content with my life. I was a good, church going housewife, married to a respected reverend, raising five children. I was far from the gossip columns. Too boring to be spoken about.

You, on the other hand, were ideal for the speculation of old women who had nothing better to do than sit around and talk about pretty boys and their handsome father's.

When you walked onto my front porch, introducing yourself, I thought I would melt right there.

You were everything I had missed out on in my life. All the things I didn't realize were missing.

Suddenly I wanted them. I wanted you.

You shook my hand, sweet with your words, and flirtatious with your eyelashes.

I liked it.

It made me feel alive, for once.

He hadn't paid attention to me like that in ages.

Except when he needed to get laid. Then there was only enough charm to get my pants off and his dick inside me. When he was done, it was over.

He never asked if I'd finished.

Just assumed.

You were different.

I let Leah go with you that first night, and every other night you graced my doorstep.

I was blinded by you, your perfection. Your beauty, charm, wittiness.

You were everything beautiful, different. Everything I wanted.

But you were her's.

When she asked for birth control, my stomach knotted. Not because I didn't want her having sex. She was 16, almost 17. I knew it would happen soon.

I was 15 the first time it happened. Then I met him when I was 16, and once it started, it never stopped.

I was jealous of her. Out of my mind with desire to be the one under you, writhing by your hand.

You didn't know I was alive, until one night you did.

It changed everything.

My whole life.

As I lay on my bed, grieving the end of us, the child growing within my womb, for one second I wished I could take it all back. I could stop myself from taking you.

Then I came to my senses.

I would never change a thing. You were worth all of it.

The pain. The joy. The heartbreak. The anger.

All of it.

~:O:~:O:~:O:~

A/N: See? Bella's messed up, too. :(

Next chapter later today. And it's a good one...trust me. :) Edward's got a memory... :)

Reviews are better than flirtatious eyelashes.

Leave one.