A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. If I did, Rpattz would be going to church with me today so I could show him off to all my Twilight lovin' friends. :D I'd dress him up all cute in a little suit and mess his hair all up, and then parade him around, having him do little tricks with his fingers and stuff. It'd be the best day at church ever. No doubt.

This is unbeta'd, so any and all mistakes belong to me. Yeah...I'm a mess, what can I say?

This is for my wifey, Mrs. Robward. Her words are like little poem filled bombs, exploding as I read them. I can't get enough...

Thanks to Luxure & EdwardsBloodType for prereading this. You...light up my life. You give me hope. To carry on... Geez that's an old song. :D

**disclaimer **

This story is a bit taboo. I think that's what makes you like the story, though. Isn't it? :) Tsk tsk, naughty people... :D

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… Chapter Seventeen - Gone … Bella …

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You're gone. I can't believe it.

Leah gets your texts, your emails. I wish I could get one.

Claire is growing fast, a month old already. Her hair is changing, lightening. The old bitties at church laugh, commenting on how it's so much lighter than our other children. How her eyes are becoming so green.

None of us have green.

I know they're looking for reasons, assurances that they're gossip is true.

That I'm an adulteress.

And I am. I can't even deny it.

Seeing him with your daughter makes me ache inside. He doesn't touch her the way you did, hold her as close as you did. She cries at him.

She knows. Our little Claire knows.

He's not the right one.

I don't know how long I'll make it, being away from you.

At least before, I still got to see you. I thought it would be a deeper hell to see you and not be able to touch you. I was wrong. It's so much worse not seeing you at all.

Sometimes I think about snooping in Leah's room, getting your address. I'd mail you something, a letter or note. Maybe I wouldn't sign my name.

But you'd know.

Just like I would know something was from you.

When you have that connection, that bond with another person, you just know.

It doesn't go away because of distance. Or babies. Or lies.

It's powerful, more powerful than I am.

I'm a slave to it.

I accept that.

I will always crave you...regardless of everything else.

No matter how wrong I know it is.

I can't try to make it stop anymore. I know it's useless.

I'll never stop loving you.

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A/N: I hate that feeling, when the one person you want to see more than anything else is gone, far away, and you can't even write them a letter. It sucks.

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