There was an ask a while ago about doing a hayffie story River/Doctor style. I decided to make it a full crossover. It was fun getting to write the Doctor and River while I was at it, I hope I didn't make a big mess of their characters.

It can be read with only a basic knowledge of the show but in my head this takes place after TheWedding of River Song and before The Doctor, The Widow and The Wardrobe, so end of season 6 basically.

Spoilers

"You're sure you know how to drive this thing?" Haymitch snorted in his silver flask.

"Oy! Don't call her a thing!" the Doctor said defensively, pausing in his mad dash around the console long enough to stroke the main panel lovingly. "Never mind him, Sexy. Humans."

The last part was added on the same tone most people spat "Americans" and it made Haymitch snort again. He was sitting on one of the stairs leading to the control room, still wondering what he was doing there. He had met the Doctor during a very unpleasant meeting with green things apparently coming from a planet called Raxacoricowhatevertherestwas. The man had told him to run and given that giant aliens were actively trying to hunt him, Haymitch had seen no reason to deny him so he had run. Straight into the Tardis. Why he had stayed once the Earth was saved was anyone's guess but he was enjoying the space travels. It wouldn't last forever, Haymitch knew that. The Doctor was a talkative man but never for the important subjects yet Haymitch had kind of figured out that there had been others before – a lot of others – and that his latest companions – since that was the honorific title he had been dubbed with during their visit to Eudamus, their last stop and a real catastrophe because Haymitch was too old to run – thought him dead. He was just standing in until the Ponds, whoever they were, came back on board. It suited Haymitch just fine, he had nothing else to live for.

"Can you drive it though?" he insisted, taking another swing despite the disapproving glance the Time Lord sent his way. "Seems to me we're going at random."

"All of time and space and you're never happy, are you?" the Doctor sighed, shaking his head. "I will have you know I'm very qualified to pilot the TARDIS. In fact I'm the only one who…"

Of course, that was the moment the TARDIS chose to start making weird noises. Lights flashed on the console and beeping started echoing all around the room.

Haymitch didn't even move from the stairs, stoically taking another gulp of whiskey.

He had been traveling with the man for about two weeks and he had already understood that trouble would find them every few hours.

He hoped it wouldn't be Daleks. Very unpleasant, those ones. And deadly for oversized saltshakers…

The ship started shaking enough that Haymitch was flung against the wall. He wisely decided to put his flask back in his pocket – another thing he had learned quickly : always protect the booze – and to join the Doctor at the console. The Time Lord was pulling on levers, pushing buttons but it didn't seem to help neither the TARDIS nor the frown on his face.

"We're being highjacked. That's impossible!" the Doctor rushed out, almost more puzzled than worried. He was staring at one of the monitor. "Ah, I see. This is my ship. The rudeness of some people…"

Haymitch peered over his shoulder but whatever the screen was saying, he couldn't understand it.

"What's going on?" he asked.

As if on cue, the TARDIS stopped shaking, apparently arrived at destination. The door opened wide and the two men barely had time to duck before red laser shots beheaded them both. One of them touched something on the wall that sent sparks of electricity flying everywhere. Two women tumbled inside and remained in a heap on the floor. The Doctor didn't wait long enough to figure it out, he started pushing buttons and levers again and the TARDIS was flying right out of there - wherever there was.

Haymitch wordlessly grabbed the alien fire extinguisher the Doctor handed him and set to work on the small flames leaping from the walls – it wasn't their first fire either, life was never dull in the TARDIS.

One of the women stood up, green ball gown and the messier mane of red curls Haymitch had ever seen in his life. He didn't know it was possible to have that much hair.

"Wife." the Doctor greeted with a delighted smile. "What trouble did you cause today?"

Wife? Haymitch's eyebrows shot up but no one was paying him much attention.

"Sorry for the highjacking, sweetie." the woman replied, pressing a greeting kiss against the Doctor's lips. "Who knew Judoons were so susceptible… They run fast for overgrown rhinoceros."

"You would run faster without high heels." the Doctor pointed out.

The other woman scoffed at that, finally picking herself up from the floor.

"Fashion." she declared, smoothing her pink dress. "We could hardly be expected to wear boots with this kind of outfits. It's all about harmonizing, you know." Her bright blue eyes settled on the red bow tie and cringed as if the sight was a personal offense. "Or perhaps, you don't. I wish you would let me take care of your wardrobe, Doctor."

Her pained sigh was followed by a long silence during which the Time Lord stared at the blonde he clearly didn't know. He turned to the other woman and gestured with his hands. "Should we…"

The redhead was already waving a blue notebook and they walked away, muttering between themselves about "where they were". Not that it made any sense.

Haymitch wished he hadn't become that blasé about it all.

The other woman remained by the doors, checking her reflection on the central panel up until she noticed him staring, the fire extinguisher forgotten in his hands. She was quite pretty. Much more than the Doctor's wife – and he would need an explanation about that. Blue eyes, blond strands pinned in a complicated bun, pretty red-painted lips that stretched in a delighted smile when she spotted him.

"Haymitch!" she squealed in obvious pleasure.

She was running before he could ask how she knew his name, and he barely had time to open his arms to avoid an awkward collision. She wrapped her own arms around his neck and drew him in for a kiss that left him breathless. He was never one to pass on a good kiss so instead of doing the honorable thing and tell her she was probably deluded, he pulled her closer and deepened it.

She was still smiling when the kiss ended and she left her arms right where they were, locked around his neck.

"Oh, I had the most awful day." she whined. "How long ago was Fazilum for you? I think I'm going to quit. I love working with Doctor Song but the life and death situations are becoming quite too much to handle, wouldn't you say? Oh, did I tell you about the gorgeous shoes I found on New New New Earth?"

"Do you ever breathe?" he asked, very seriously. He was sure there were odd aliens out there who never needed to take a breath.

"Effie." the other woman called suddenly as she and the Doctor came into view. The Time Lord looked at Haymitch with wide eyes and gestured behind his wife's back what surely was a question about what he was doing with a stranger in his arms.

Effie – since it was her name – simply leaned on him to look at her friend over her shoulder. "Yes?"

The redhead looked particularly amused, there was a smirk on her lips. "Those two are far behind. Haymitch hasn't met you yet."

"My apologies?" Effie stuttered, turning to glare at him. "Why did you kiss me then? Are you in a habit of kissing strangers?"

"You kissed me, sweetheart." he pointed out.

"Oh, don't start nitpicking at semantics." she frowned. "You have no manners whatsoever, Haymitch. Completely insufferable."

"Who are you?" he asked at last, flabbergasted and strangely fascinated at the same time. She looked human but you never knew nowadays.

"My assistant." the redhead said. "And we're in a hurry."

She started talking about a jewel they were supposed to bring back before they were due for a class at an archeology event or another but Haymitch wasn't listening. He was staring at the woman in his arms, obviously crossed with him for having responded to her kiss even though she wasn't trying to escape his embrace, and he was utterly puzzled.

"Care to explain?" he insisted. "Clearly, you know me but I've never met you, Princess. I would remember."

"Oh, you will soon." the Doctor's wife declared, winking at the Time Lord. "It's a good one. You will love it."

"What's a good one?" Haymitch frowned.

"Spoilers." the redhead laughed.

Effie gently nudged his arms off her and kissed his cheek. "Until next time."

"What? No, wait…" Haymitch sputtered. "Who are you?"

But the redhead had already pulled on a lever and before he could do anything, they were out the door. He tried to follow but the TARDIS made the noise it always made when it was about to fly and he was flung back inside.

The Doctor was watching him with an amused expression.

"Who was she?" Haymitch asked, unable to shake her blue eyes and her perfect lips out of his mind.

"Your future." the Doctor grinned. "Be careful, now, Haymitch, last time that happened to me, I ended up married. Women are sneaky."

The Time Lord turned back to his console with a boyish pout.

Haymitch blinked and looked at the door the blond woman had just disappeared through.

He supposed the future was something to look forward to.

She certainly was.