Prompt? So Katniss hears Hayffie do the do and Haymitch keeps on moaning "sweetheart" to Effie. So the next day, Haymitch calls Katniss sweetheart and she's all.. NOPE NOPE NOPE XD

This is crack. But it was fun XD

The Sweetheart Problem

Katniss had decided long ago that it was her responsibility to make sure Haymitch didn't live only on liquor. She and Peeta made sure he had food and that he consumed some at least once every day. It was simple really… Peeta had opened up the bakery again but aside for hunting for meat to go with his bread, she had only two chores : feed Buttercup and feed Haymitch. More often than not, the irritating mewling of the cat would remind her to feed them both.

That was how she found herself stomping to Haymitch's house with a plate of cold stew: because Buttercup had made a fuss and had demanded that his plate be filled and she had remembered she hadn't checked on Haymitch yet. She wasn't particularly looking forward to it, he was grumpy lately and even more snappish than usual. Peeta wanted to call Effie in back-up, insisting that it had been too long since her last visit, but Katniss didn't see what it would change. If anything, Effie would simply play the target to his current bad mood and that would only mean more bickering over the dinner table when they invited their former escort and mentor to share their meals – which was every day when Effie was in Twelve.

She let herself in through the backdoor, mentally cursing the geese that were making a racket – not that it was unusual, she had learnt to deal with their neighbor's noisy pets – and left the plate on the table, discarding the empty bottles abandoned there while she was at it. They needed to find a new housekeeper for Haymitch, she thought, it was becoming an urgent matter.

"Haymitch?" she called out.

She wasn't particularly surprised not to hear a response. She wandered to the living-room, certain that he was probably passed out on the couch, but the room was empty. She frowned, a little worried now. Haymitch usually spent his days downstairs, she suspected he slept on the couch more often than in his bed.

"Haymitch?" she called out again, checking the other rooms and forcing herself to stay calm and not to give in to the growing panic. She was almost tempted to run in town and fetch Peeta because she couldn't help but fear something had happened. Haymitch was always so careless when he was drunk… What if he had slipped and had cracked his head open? What if he had passed out and drown in his own sick? She didn't want to find him dead. She didn't want…

She took the stairs two at a time with a growing sense of dread.

It was only when she reached the landing that she heard the groans of pain. At least he was alive, she thought with open relief, hurrying in the direction of his bedroom.

"Haymitch!" a female voice shouted, very much not in pain.

Katniss froze two feet away from the open bedroom door. She couldn't see inside – and that was a blessing, she figured.

"Come on, sweetheart…" Haymitch's voice coaxed in answer.

Katniss was wavering between being sick and screaming that she was there and that they should stop doing whatever they were doing because Haymitch was old and it was gross and…

It wasn't until the woman screamed in bliss that she realized it was Effie's voice.

"Sweetheart…" he moaned.

Katniss' eyes widened and she turned around and fled almost tripping down the stairs in her hurry. She needed bleach to clean her ears.

She ran out of the house and straight to her own home, almost crashing into Peeta who was coming back from town.

"What's wrong?" he frowned, clearly worried.

"Haymitch…" Katniss panted.

Worry morphed to fear on his face. "Is he alright? What happened?"

His eyes darted in the direction of Haymitch's house and he took a step that way, clearly intending to find out for himself. However, Katniss felt it was her duty to save him from the trauma of witnessing that so she grabbed his arm.

"Haymitch… And Effie… And…" She was out of breath and she didn't think she could have spat it out even if she hadn't been. "They're… They're…" Her wild gestures must have been enough of a clue because he relaxed.

"Oh." he said. "I didn't know she was back."

"Oh. I'm telling you Haymitch and Effie are doing… are… are… You know! And all you can say is oh?" she exclaimed.

Peeta looked taken aback. "Well, it's not exactly news, is it?" He must have glimpsed something on her face because an amused smile tugged at the corner of his lips but she could see he was fighting very hard to keep it at bay. "Come on, Katniss… Why did you think she was coming to Twelve so often?"

"To check up on us." Katniss shrugged. "That's what she said. She never said she was shagging Haymitch!"

Who was old, a little voice nagged at the back of her mind, and that was gross.

"Language." Peeta laughed, in a perfect imitation of Effie's accent. "You're so blind sometimes, Katniss. It's sweet."

She let him drag her back to the house and sulked through his gentle teasing. She even managed to keep a straight face when Effie popped in a little before dinner time to say hello and inform them she would stay a week or two but she didn't quite managed to hide her annoyance when Peeta invited her and Haymitch over for dinner. She didn't even know why she was annoyed. She loved Effie and she loved Haymitch and if they loved each other, well… It was probably a good thing.

But she couldn't be expected to look at either of them in the eye after hearing what she had heard. Dinner was sort of tense – at least on her part, Effie and Peeta were quite happy to prattle and catch up, even succeeding in dragging Haymitch in the conversation from time to time. But the more they were lingering at the dinner table, the more Haymitch was starting to stare at her and by the time Peeta brought the cheese buns, Katniss was ready to flee.

"Alright, spit it out." Haymitch said, at some point, interrupting the discussion between Effie and Peeta. "What's wrong with you?"

Katniss licked her lips and kept her eyes on her bun. "Nothing."

"Come on, sweetheart." he snorted.

The tone was different but the words were the same and she flushed crimson.

"Please, never ever call me that again." she requested.

"What?" Haymitch frowned. "What's your problem, now?"

"There is no problem." Peeta cut in smoothly. "Katniss is just a bit… disturbed."

"Yeah, she's disturbed alright." Haymitch sneered. "There's no one in this room who's not disturbed so she can spill the beans. What's wrong?"

There was a tinge of worry in Haymitch's voice and she cleared her throat awkwardly. "Nothing. Nothing at all. Just… Keep the sweethearts for Effie."

"What?" Haymitch's brow was furrowed. "Have you been talking to Mason again? I've been calling you sweetheart since we met and now you have a problem with it? What's this? Pick-on-Haymitch-day?"

"Oh my god." Effie gasped, covering the end of Haymitch's rant. Katniss glanced at her in time to see she wasn't the only one blushing anymore. "Oh my god, you heard, is that it?"

Katniss closed her eyes in utter embarrassment. Her only consolation was that Effie didn't seem to fare better.

"Heard what?" Haymitch asked.

With her eyes closed, she wasn't sure what happened but she thought Effie must have whacked his arm with her napkin, probably coupled with one of those don't-be-an-idiot-Haymitch glare she had perfected over the years because suddenly their former mentor went very still.

"Oh." he said and then chuckled. "Well, that should teach you to knock, sweetheart."

Katniss covered her face with her hands. "Don't. Seriously, don't. I can't un-hear it."

"I don't know what your problem is." he mocked. "I'm a man, she's an attractive woman. She's willing…"

"God knows why." Effie muttered. "Can we switch topic and pretend this discussion never happened? I'm very sorry, Katniss."

"Not your fault." she mumbled.

"Why are you apologizing?" Haymitch snickered, obviously finding the whole thing funny to no end. "So, what if Effie and I are…"

"If you say the f word, I swear I'm going back to the train station right now." Effie interrupted him. "Switch of topic. Now. Those buns are delicious, Peeta."

"Thanks." Peeta said, clearing his throat.

But Haymitch was like a dog unable to let go of the bone he was chewing – either that or he thought it was hilarious to push.

"I want to know why she's sulking about this." he insisted. "'Cause…"

"She's sulking about this because talking about your sex life is as disturbing as imaging our parents doing it." Peeta snapped. "I'm very happy for the both of you. We're all very happy. Now can we all be happy and talk about something else and never talk about what you do with Effie in your bedroom again? Please?"

There was a small silence and then Effie started talking about that new fashion trend in the Capitol that came directly from Two and just like that the subject was brushed off. Katniss started to relax and realize just how stupid she had been because now that she knew about it, it was obvious. They kept touching, little brush here and there either to catch the other's attention or when they were handing something over. There were glances too and shared grins, silent conversation like she had with Peeta all the time…

By the time dinner was over, she was almost reconciled with the idea.

Until she escorted them back to the door when they left and failed to close the door quickly enough not to hear Haymitch's next comment.

"It's cute the boy thinks we're only doing it in the bedroom."

Effie shushed him, launching herself into a rant about his absolute lack of tact and manners but it was too late. The damage was done.

Katniss would truly need to bleach her ears now.