Prompt: Could you write a funny one-shot where they run out of condoms and Haymitch gets very frustrated? I wonder who's in charge of buying condoms in general. Effie? Haymitch? Avoxes? Thank you and of course you can change the prompt, if you want to.

This is crack you are warned. Also warning for steam/smut and explicit reference to smut.

The Condom Mission

He rolled her under him in a practiced move, his mouth never leaving the warm skin of her throat, occasionally letting out a groan when her fingers squeezed him too tight. It made her giggle even though the giggles turned to moans when his own hand started playing with her.

As far as he was concerned, she was the best distraction from this Victory Tour from hell.

"Now, Haymitch…" she demanded, breathless but still bossy. He chastised her by nipping at her throat a little harder than necessary. She moaned. "Haymitch…"

"'Kay." he chuckled, pressing a kiss on the patch of skin he had just abused. "Hold on, sweetheart."

He blindly reached for the nightstand drawer where she kept condoms and felt around for a few seconds, too busy fondling her to give his search the proper attention it deserved.

"Haymitch." she hissed, glaring at him through narrow eyes. "I want you. Now. Stop teasing."

"I love it when you beg." he snorted, dropping a kiss on her lips before lifting himself from her to have a proper look in that drawer.

"I'm hardly begging." she huffed.

"Wait a sec', I'll get you there." he smirked. The smirk soon turned to a frown though. "The box's empty."

"What?" she asked, pushing him off her to sit up. "It's impossible, it's an extra large box. I bought it because there were twice as much as in the usual package."

He showed her the empty box before tossing it back in the drawer with annoyance. "We've been at it like rabbits." he grumbled. The stress the Tour was putting on them had to be relieved somehow and they were each other's favorite way of letting out steam. Angry sex was always a nice way to settle an argument as far as he was concerned. And they had been arguing a lot those past few weeks. "You've got another box?"

She thought about it for a few seconds and then shook her head. "I had an emergency condom in my purse but we used it in Six. Don't you keep one in your wallet?"

"We used it in Four." he sighed. "You really need to stop jumping me everywhere, sweetheart."

"I beg your pardon?!" she exclaimed, glaring daggers at him.

"Who pushed me in that cupboard because they were jealous of the Mayor's wife's wandering hands?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Who kept sneaking his hand under my skirt at dinner and wouldn't leave me alone during the reception that followed?" she retorted.

He rolled his eyes and flopped on his back, trying hard to think of something else than his throbbing erection.

"You could take care of me and I will do you after." he suggested.

She pouted unhappily. "I wanted you."

"Yeah, well… Maybe it's something a spoiled brat like yourself don't know but we don't always get what we want." he scoffed. "I didn't want your mouth either tonight."

"That's a good thing because I am not putting my mouth down there until you had a shower." she snapped. "You are assuming a lot."

He wrapped his fist around himself, frustrated and annoyed with her. He could take matter into his own hands so to speak. It would be weak compared to what it could have been with her and it would leave him unsatisfied but he could drown that feeling out with liquor. She batted his hand away. From his own penis. He glared at her. "What? If you won't help…"

"Cinna may have a few." she said.

That was actually a very good point. Cinna was a man and men generally had condoms. Problem was…

"And how are you going to explain suddenly needing condoms?" he scoffed.

There weren't so many people on this train she could have been having sex with. And Cinna and Portia were already giving them enough mocking glances as it was.

"I am going to do nothing. You are the man, you are in charge of finding condoms." she declared, folding her arms over her naked breasts. "Cinna probably has condoms, ergo you will get your hands on them by any means necessary. Steal them if you must. Now go and don't come back empty-handed. And don't be too long or I will just start without you."

She settled back against the pillows with a very pleased grin, one arm behind her head and her other hand dangerously low on her stomach.

It didn't help his hard on at all.

And, suddenly, he had a stroke of genius.

"The boy has a few." he said, relieved. "You were making such a fuss about them sleeping in the same room… I gave him a couple just in case."

"You gave Peeta condoms when I explicitly requested you talked him out of sleeping in Katniss' bedroom?" she hissed, not at all seductive anymore. Well, that was a matter of opinion probably. He was never more turned on than when she became threatening. He was a fucked up guy and he liked his women fiery.

"I figured you would like a pregnancy less than them actually getting some." he scowled. "He said they weren't doing any of that and he wouldn't need them but I told him to keep them anyway. They must be in his room…"

"And he sleeps in Katniss' room…" She caught up pretty fast. "It's the first time I am happy about that. Go get them. Be quick."

He didn't bothered with underwear, he just pulled up his pants and tossed her the first piece of clothing he found. That happened to be his shirt. "You're coming. I need someone to stand guard for me."

"I am not wandering around the train in nothing but your shirt." she retorted.

"There's no one around, sweetheart. Everyone's sleeping." he promised.

"Then why do you need someone to stand guard?" she pointed out but slipped the shirt on and climbed off the bed with a sigh. "Let's go."

Her hand slid against his as they crept around the deserted dark corridor and when he glanced at her with a smirk and a lifted eyebrow, she simply entwined their fingers with a giggle.

They were absolutely ridiculous, he mused, sneaking around the train, barely dressed, like a couple of horny teenagers… Even their teenagers were better behaved. Their loss though, because for the first time in a long while, Haymitch was having innocent fun.

They stopped in front of Peeta's door and he pressed his ear against the wood just in case. It was completely silent.

"What if he realizes they're missing?" Effie asked.

"Be quiet, they're just a door down." he whispered, glancing warily at Katniss' closed door. He didn't fancy getting caught by one of the kids. "And he doesn't need condoms. His hand is his best friend right now. It's a waste to let them sit there when we could be having fun."

She pursed her lips. "They're young and accidents happen. How many did you give him? Leave two or three."

"I gave him five." he answered, acknowledging the wisdom of her words. Two kids their age sleeping in the same bed… He wasn't very worried though. Anyone else but Katniss, he would be, but the girl was so slow on the uptake on certain subjects… "I'll take three."

She nodded. "We will reach the Capitol in a few days. We can manage with three."

It was probably flattering that she sounded dubious.

He winked. "We'll be creative. Now, stay here and… I don't know… Whistle if someone comes around."

"Oh, yes, of course… How natural." she grumbled under her breath. "I often spend my nights in the train's corridors, wearing nothing but a man shirt and whistling. A hobby of mine, really."

He slapped her bottom playfully and sneaked inside the boy's room, leaving her outside.

"Stop being sassy, you're turning me on." he snorted, before pushing the door behind him until it was almost closed.

Compared to his, Peeta's room wasn't a complete mess but Haymitch was sure that if Effie had put a step in there she would have gone crazy. There was a heap of obviously dirty clothes on the floor near the bathroom door, smelly socks abandoned on the bed and a clutter of pencils, charcoals and notebooks on one of the nightstand.

Now… Where did the boy keep the condoms?

Not in any place Katniss could have found them which ruled out pockets and the messenger bag he sometimes carried around.

He opened the nightstand drawer but already knew he wouldn't find anything there either. When he was a kid he would never have kept anything incriminating in such an obvious place in a paranoiac fear his mother or his brother would have found them and would have asked embarrassing questions. Teenage boys were always wary and embarrassed about that sort of things.

He checked the other nightstand and the wardrobe but remained empty-handed.

"Will you hurry?" Effie's harsh whisper came from the other side of the door.

He rolled his eyes because trust Effie Trinket to be bossy and unhappy during what essentially looked like a burglary. He felt a little bad going through Peeta's things but the knowledge that Effie was wearing nothing under that shirt soon put the guilt to rest.

He glanced under the bed and then under the pillows before, at last, checking under the mattress.

And, of course, that was when Effie whistled not at all discreetly or naturally.

"Effie?" Cinna's voice called out. "What are you doing here?"

Haymitch rolled his eyes. Trust the stylist to always bust them out. He lifted the mattress in silence while Effie replied in a calm cheerful voice that was as fake as it was convincing. She was a good actress. "Oh, well… I couldn't sleep so I thought I would take a walk."

"In front of Peeta's room?" Cinna asked, obviously confused.

Haymitch had to close his eyes and swallow back his laughter at what he found under the mattress. Now he really felt bad for going through the kid's stuff because there was no way he could forget what he saw. He didn't dare touch the three magazines that were clearly old and well-loved, knowing from personal experience those things were rarely clean, but snorted when he spotted Effie's latest edition of her lingerie magazine. She had been looking for it everywhere and had even accused him of stealing it like the pervert he was. Well…

"I lost an earring." Effie replied.

There were eight condoms next to the magazines and at least five of them weren't his. They were the nice kind Effie liked too, the ones that made an icy sensation or whatever the slogan was… He grabbed two of those and a normal one.

"I will help you look." the stylist offered.

"It's alright, I wouldn't dare keep you up." she refused.

"It's fine." Cinna insisted. "I think Peeta has a spyglass in his room. Let me check."

"No." Effie gasped and nudged the door in his hurry to bar Cinna access.

Haymitch was still out of sight but Cinna was awfully insistent about walking in. He glanced at the remaining condoms – very Capitol condoms – and snorted.

"How many do you want, Cinna?" he called out.

In the corridor, everyone froze. Then the door opened all the way in and he could see Cinna standing there in nothing but sweatpants. Effie had buried her face in her hands.

To his credit, the stylist's mouth barely twitched in amusement. "Well, I gave him five so… Two or three?"

He grabbed three square packets at random and tossed them at Cinna before putting the mattress back in place.

"Is everyone around here encouraging the children to have sex?" Effie hissed. "I expected better of you, Cinna."

"Trust me, Effie, if I had known we would be running so low on condoms I would have given him less." the stylist grinned.

She opened her mouth to chide them both but then she took sight of the mess Haymitch had made of the bed when he had lifted the mattress and started fussing on the bedding. Then she spotted the heap of dirty clothes and they were forced to listen to a rant about men and boys who couldn't pick up after themselves. Cinna looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here – or more likely, he wanted to be back to his room where Portia was waiting – but was too polite to say anything.

"What are you all doing in my room?"

There was a collective moment of horror, Haymitch thought as his eyes fell on the boy still rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"You're making a racket." Peeta complained.

"Oh, dear, we're so sorry. We truly didn't mean to wake you." Effie immediately jumped in. "We thought we heard a noise but there is nothing here so we are all going back to our beds and we will forget all about this, won't we? Oh and, darling, do pick up this dirty laundry when you have the time, will you?"

Peeta didn't look convinced and give a puzzled glance to Haymitch who was still holding to what he had come there for in the first place. He immediately dropped them in his pocket but it was too late. Peeta had seen what he was holding and the boy's eyes darted between him and the bed before turning red in embarrassment.

"You went through my things?" the kid asked, flabbergasted.

"Of course, not." Effie answered at the same time Cinna said "Haymitch did."

"It was an emergency." Haymitch shrugged defensively, sparing a glare for the stylist. "You said you didn't need condoms anyway."

"An emergency." Peeta repeated, looking a little green. "For the three of you?"

"I wish." Cinna grinned.

"Don't be stupid!" Haymitch scoffed.

Effie almost was obviously fighting the urge to bash her head against the wall.

"Not that there is anything wrong with that but no." she replied sweetly. "Separate emergencies. Well, for them. I just happened to walk by when I heard the noise. I am not involved in this little stunt."

Haymitch rolled his eyes because really…

"You're wearing Haymitch's shirt." Peeta commented.

Yeah, that.

"And not much else, if I may." Cinna added politely.

"Hey, don't ogle my escort." Haymitch growled.

"I think I'm going to go back to bed and pretend this is a really weird dream." the boy declared.

Effie jumped on that excuse and quickly excused herself from the room, not without tugging on the shirt that was, admittedly, a little short.

Cinna didn't linger either and Haymitch was left alone with the kid. He would have been embarrassed if something hadn't been bothering him.

"So, if I gave you five condoms and Cinna gave you another five – and you could have said something, boy, that's not exactly cheap – where are the two missing ones?" he asked. He aimed for casual but it ended up being a little threatening. Yes, he was glad to know that if the kids were doing things they were doing them in a clever way that wouldn't involved a pregnancy but he loved Katniss like a daughter and the thought of her doing that with anyone…

"The two of you practically shoved those condoms at me and wouldn't take no for an answer." Peeta grumbled defensively, flushing red.

"'Doesn't answer my question." he prompted.

The boy looked flustered for a second.

"I practiced putting them on, okay?" Peeta blurted out.

Relief, Haymitch decided, was sweet.

"Good for you. Practice makes perfect. And it's always fun." he smirked.

Peeta closed his eyes. "We are so not talking about that, Haymitch."

"Fine." He rolled his eyes. "I will do you one and not tell Effie where her magazine disappeared to."

The boy's head looked ready to explode so he left him there, patting his shoulder on the way out.

Effie was in bed by the time he reached her room, under the covers, still wearing his shirt, with such a spooked look on her face he knew he would never get any that night.

"You're serious?" he scowled. "You made me do all that and you're going to leave me hanging?"

"You are hardly hanging anymore, as you say." she huffed. "And I'm not in the mood now. I'm mortified."

"Sweetheart… Peeta keeps porn under his mattress and what did Cinna means with his I wish?" He waved that away. "Point is, no one is ever going to mention what happened tonight because everyone is embarrassed."

"I am still mortified. And I want a cuddle." she pouted.

He shook his head. "I don't do cuddles."

"If you don't give me a cuddle, you will never convince me to have sex with you tonight." she threatened. "I could be swayed if you cuddled me."

He hoped she didn't believe he didn't know what she was doing.

Still, he crawled on the bed and wrapped his arms around her.

"You're impossible." he accused.

"That's why you want me." she grinned.

Worst thing?

It really was.