This isn't a prompt but it's a small thank you story gift for 100years-to-live because I force her to listen to my stupid ideas, I buried her in the ice skating trash can and she is also my cheerleader. I tell her crack ideas and she says 'write them' so… Here is what you should never have told me to write because it is probably even more ridiculous than the tattoo idea.

Fair warning, this is crack.

Wandering In The Nude Has Its Risks

Haymitch woke up with a headache – which was neither new nor surprising.

He blinked, momentarily blinded by the sunlight spilling through the window and then rubbed his face with both hands. It didn't make the drill in his head disappear. His full bladder wasn't comfortable either.

With a grunt of pain, he rolled out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom, almost tripping on the clothes he had hastily discarded before climbing into bed the previous night. Sleeping naked had only advantages, he decided, hurrying to the toilet to relieve himself before the pressure got too much – less things to remove in the morning. He finished his business, splashed water on his face, scratched his chest, grabbed the edge of the sink with both hands and took a good hard look in the mirror.

His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was all over the place, and he looked like he hadn't shaved in a week – which was probably the case, he would need to take care of that soon. His head was killing him. He looked around the bathroom and the bedroom but when he finally managed to locate the small bottle of painkillers, it was empty.

Of course, it was empty.

Obviously, today would be one of those days.

His headache beating in time with his heart, he staggered out of his room.

"Trinket!" he shouted, only to wince when his own voice echoed in his ears. Effie's shrill voice would be the end of him, he already knew it. But Effie always had painkillers. And if he asked very nicely, maybe she would even get him some tea to wash the pills with. He wanted some tea. The herbal one that she forced on him when he was nauseous. He wandered toward her room. "Trinket!"

"In the living-room!" came the answering shout. "Really, Haymitch! No need to scream like the building is on fire! Manners!"

He switched course and walked to the living-room, muttering all the while about double standards because she liked to lecture but there she was, shouting at the top of her lungs, when, really, he wasn't even sure he could bear her talking in her normal voice.

"You have any painkillers?" he asked before he even was fully in the room.

He froze a little past the threshold, when he looked up and realized his mistake. Effie and her guest froze too. There were good reasons, he figured. Maybe he should have put some pants on before wandering around the penthouse. Or some underwear, at least.

Naturally, Effie recovered first.

"Haymitch!" she hissed, bolting to her feet and coming to stand in front of him, trying to shield him from the other woman's gaze. "Haymitch, what in Panem… What… I can't even…. Oh!"

He winced in pain. "Please, don't shout, I have a monster headache."

"You are naked!" she retorted and he groaned. Her voice was like a nasty drill in his skull.

"Never said we would have a sponsor over." he grumbled. Although maybe she had and he hadn't listened. It wouldn't have made a difference anyway, he would probably still have gone around naked because he wouldn't have paused to think about it.

"This is my mother!" she retorted, her voice rising an octave, her accent so cutting he winced again.

"Well, your mother likes what she sees." he snapped.

Effie's eyes widened and she glanced over her shoulder. He couldn't say if she did see the older woman suddenly looking the other way but the old cow had been staring at his junk every since he had walked in that room.

The stranger huffed and puffed in obvious outrage.

"My mother is a lady and would never stare at a man's genitalia." Effie growled in a low threatening voice. "Now, for goodness' sakes, get out of here or I swear to every divinities I will have your head on a plate."

"Why stop at the head?" he taunted, going for the crudest joke he could think of. "You can have my whole dick. You usually like my balls too."

This time the woman gasped in outrage and he took pleasure in smirking at her. There was never anything more amusing than riling Capitols up.

"You are a dead man." his escort declared and there was a serious glint in her eyes that absolutely killed any amusement on his part.

"Just wanted painkillers." he mumbled, trying his best to look sheepish because that always softened her.

"In the cabinet in my bathroom, second shelf on the right." she said. "Don't touch anything else. And don't think you are off the hook."

He flashed her an innocent smile and made his exit, pretending he didn't feel both women staring at his naked ass.

"Well." Effie's mother cleared her throat once he was in the corridor and he slowed down to listen. "No one will ever accuse this animal of being civilized but no one can deny he is well endowed."

"Mother!" Effie screeched.

Haymitch muffled his laughter and continued on his way to her bathroom. It was only later, when he had recovered, when her mother was gone, and when she had ranted for forty-five minutes about outrageous behavior without even noticing he wasn't listening, that he smirked.

"Come on, sweetheart… Don't tell me she didn't like it. She thinks I'm hung."

She started shrieking like a banshee again but he couldn't hear because he was laughing way too much.