A/N: EDIT: Flames need to buzz off. This is just a story. Fiction!
And yet everywhere I go...all I see are these...
*head meets desk*
As ever, we're sticking with the tried and true "Embers" Rule for this story.
If folks don't like it, it'll be deleted. So speak up! Make yourself heard! Your voice matters!
That's no joke!
In any case, I'm off to get my back looked at after I post this; hopefully nothing's wrong, but its been acting up lately. Guess I really am getting old.
Now then, time for some quick questions and answers.
Q: Does this story have a plot, m'lord? Asking for a friend.
A: Its subtle at times, but yes, yes it does...
Q: Winter's going to regret getting drunk, isn't she? I can already see her turning beet red!
A: To quote Doctor Who? Oh, yes.
Q: Sooo...foodgasms are a thing here?
A: In essence, yes. Haven't quite mastered Food Wars just yet, but I'm getting there. Just think, if Naruto can tame Cinder with food and accidentally get her addicted...
...what might he do to others?
Q: Bit of an unrelated question here old chap, but when are you getting back to your Fate stuff? Its been awhile.
A: It really hasn't, though? I've been updating A Most Unlikely Card, wrapping up Berserker, to say nothing of the others. Because I've been researching and preparing updates on that front. There's so many new Servants to work through now...Melusine, Barghest, Sith, Morgan, and that's just the newest Lostbelt for crying out loud! I've got plans to work on the others, but there's just so much material now...new classes, new events...
*head spins*
And yes, before anyone asks, I'm quite cross with Lostbelt 6. BURN IT TO THE GROUND.
Q: I must ask what the main pairing is!
A: Ask all you like, but its not going to be a large one. I'm quite firm on that in this story. Ten girls would be too unrealistic, even for Naruto. Five's pushing it already. Might well be less than that, but to say anymore would spoil things, and despite what previews might say, I don't do major spoilers.
Q: Soooo...does Naruto have kids in this story? You've flung a few hints around, but nothing too overt. Sorry to pry.
A: Quite alright. I enjoy answering questions like these. As to the when and why...well. Why don't you read and see?
Alright, I've kept you long enough! Kick up your feet and get ready to grin. Hope you brought some popcorn~!
As ever, I own no quotes references, themes or memes. Not a wit or a one!
The Food Wars research continues. Its...certainly something.
Also, loads of food names and references.
"You misunderstand. There is one ironclad rule I live by. Just one. Shall I enlighten you?
Do not. Piss off. The Chef. Every kingdom on Remnant would HAPPILY go to war for that man.
And that's saying nothing of his children. Have you met them? Those three are called Calamities for a reason."
~James Ironwood.
Making a Chef
"Order up~!"
Naruto attacked the weekend as he did all things; with singular vim and vigor.
Whistling a merry tune he whirled a freshly cooked steak down the line, grinning as a clone took the plate and set to work. Even as it did his hands were already moving onto the next, kneading dough at speed -threading it with chakra-! before whirling it onto another clone with a flick of his wrist. An amused doppelganger caught the would-be pizza, spun it once and passed it onto another. Truly he was in a fine mood, which meant his boys were likewise in peak form. They had to be, especially when one considered just how early some students were known to rise.
Even on a weekend the cafeteria was in full swing. Less mouths to feed perhaps, but that didn't make the requests any less varied.
"Miso ramen on the way!" he pivoted and whipped a bowl at its intended target. "Catch it or die!"
A grinning student with violet hair managed just that and sauntered away to a table with meal in hand, guarding it as one would gold. As she should! Ramen was love. Ramen was life. Some students had impeccable taste. Such a those were few and fair between. His ears twitched as a faint chime to the right informed him of another order.
"Glazed Hoisin and Sesame Salmon Bowl!"
A girl with dark skin and a blue beret waved her hand. "Here!"
The meal hit her open hands like a missile. She bowed once and scarpered with her prize before the crowd could swallow her up. Just as well, too.
"Grilled cheese!"
One of his clones whisked out another tray and was nearly set upon for his trouble. Poor bastard. You really shouldn't keep teenagers waiting. When they got hungry they got hangry. Nobody wanted to deal with a hangry teen. Not even him, and he'd fathered at least three over the years. On a whim he winged a free pizza their way. It kept the mob from tearing into one another, at least. With the reprieve he'd granted himself, he had the rest served in short order.
Crazy kids. Reminded him of his daughters.
'Come to think of it, pretty sure its been a few months since I heard from Melusine or Barghest. Maybe I should call-
Someone knocked on the counter behind Naruto, drawing him from his musings.
"Salutations!"
The immortal paused. Blinked. Looked down.
Bright green eyes stared back, framed by an inquisitive freckled face and short curly orange hair. She cocked her head to one side and he mirrored the motion. Idly, he took in a grey-green dress and black leggings edged with green stripes. Huh. Neat. That wasn't a Beacon uniform, though. What was she doing here? Was she lost or something...?
"Well," he muttered, "You're new. What'll it be, kiddo?"
"I am not hungry." she graced him with a beatific smile. "I was just enjoying the smell."
Naruto flung a glance over his shoulder. His clones shrugged back at him. Meh. Kids these days were weird. He'd heard of some people who enjoyed scents over actual foods, but he'd never thought to meet one. To each their own, he supposed. He wasn't one to judge.
"So just to be clear," he waved a spatula at her, "You didn't need anything...?"
"Affirmative!" She snapped off an adorable little salute. "I am simply here to observe."
"Well, observe away." he rolled up his sleeves and went back to work. One wave done, onto the next. "I'm here all day."
He felt those curious jade orbs linger on him regardless. A minute passed while he and his clones carried out their tasks. Still the girl didn't budge. Even as the last of the lunch rush trickled away and content students left to enjoy their hard-won weekend, she didn't waver.
And then.
"Specialist Schnee speaks highly of you."
"Winter?" Naruto perked up and turned to faceher once. "You know her?"
"She is my friend!" the strange girl linked both hands behind her back and swayed on her feet. "I came with Specialist Schnee to compete in the Vytal festival."
"So that's the excuse she used to get here." he thumbed his chin. "Ain't the festival still a ways away yet?" a blink as he realized what that meant. "So you're from Atlas, then."
"Indeed! I am combat ready!"
"So you are."
"Yes!." the girl bobbed her head in agreement, though her gaze lingered on the leftovers. "Your food does smell very nice."
Naruto chortled softly at her longing expression. "Are you sure you're not hungry?"
"I am not." she shook her head. "Thank you for the offer."
What was it with her and refusing to eat? Stranger and stranger, this one. "You're clearly a student so I'm not about to charge you for a meal, if that's what you're worried about."
She paused. Considered him a new. "Specialist Schnee may require some for of sustenance. She was rather ill this morning."
"Of course she is." Naruto bit his lip to stifled a smile. "Hangovers are no joke. Hold on a second."
Three rapid steps carried him to the cooler, where he extracted a bottle of ice water. It was the simplest thing to thread a bit of healing chakra through the frigid liquid. A few sips of this would expedited what might have otherwise been an awful two days for her. Hopefully she'd thank him for this.
"Here," he proffered it to her. "Tell her to take a sip of of this every hour."
She accepted it reverently. "I will do so."
On a whim Naruto stretched out his senses and regarded her with the entirety of his being. What he found there had him recoiling in surprise. He could sense her...and yet, he couldn't. Her presence was muted, present yet distant. For all that she glowed in his mind's eye, her soul a deep vibrant green against her hollow casing. Wait. Casing? Was she a...?"
He frowned anew at her. "What's your name?"
"Penny~!" the girl chirruped, clutching the bottled water to her chest like some precious lifeline. "Thank you for the experience. I will return to Specialist Schnee. Have a sensational day! I hope we meet again!"
"Wait."
Penny paused. "Yes?"
...no, its nothing. Tell Winter I said hello.
"I will do so!" her smile was pure as sunshine. "Good day!"
Naruto watched her skip away -yes, she actually skipped!- and shook his head at her passing.
"Strange girl." he muttered to himself. "Maybe I should keep an eye on her."
Whatever her origins, Penny seemed harmless enough. Yet for some reason he couldn't help but feel...what was the word? Empathy? No, that wasn't it. Pity! Yes, that was the one. If she really was what he thought she was then he felt rather sorry for her. James and Pietro must've succeeded in their little project. Could a robot taste food? Hmm. Sounded like a challenge. He liked challenged-
A faint cough echoed behind him, interrupting his musing once more. He whirled to meet it with smile.
Blue eyes widened. "Weiss! Right on time!"
...I've come for my lesson."
She looked prim and proper in her traditional white outfit...if one were to ignore the apron. Really, he'd meant it was a joke, but it seemed she'd taken it seriously. Say what you wold about Schnees, but they kept their word. No sign of her friends, though. Odd. Team RWBY seemed nigh on inseparable these days. Maybe they had a fight...?
"Where's your team?"
She lifted her chin a little. "Out."
Naruto leaned against the counter, trying to hide his smile. "Out where?"
"In the city." she all but bit the words out. He knew it was the most he'd wring from her at the moment.
"Come on back then," he stepped aside and made way for her. "We'll start with something simple. How about cookies? Everybody loves cookies."
She huffed. "I can do that."
"So long as you don't burn them." he placed one hand on her shoulder as he guided her toward the oven. "Fire chakra reacts...poorly when its overstimulated."
Weiss frowned.
...how poorly?"
Naruto mimed an explosion with his fingers and mouthed the word "Bang!" just once. Her already pale visage lost its color completely.
"Not that, then? Alright, just watch me and listen to my instructions for now." he turned away, sprinkling a bit of spice over a cut of lamb. "Take notes if you like. We've got all day."
He heard a faint rustle of paper. Surprise surprise, when he looked back Weiss had a notepad and pen to hand.
Adorable.
"So," she began apropos of nothing, "You and my sister. That happened."
Him and Winter? Where had that come from? "What about us?"
Her back went curiously stiff. "Are the two of you...?"
"No, no," he waved a hand. "Nothing like that." Strange, he felt a curious pang in his chest as he said it. "She was pretty drunk at the time and we hadn't seen one another in ages, so...
Just like tat, the stiffness abated. "So the two of you aren't...?"
He blinked. "Aren't what?"
"Its nothing." She looked away. "This is a nice kitchen."
It really was, but even a blind man could've seen the change of topic for what it was. Naruto knew better than to poke a Schnee.
"I have first claim to you in any case." she huffed.
A blond brow rose at her choice of words. "Ho?"
Weiss growled. "I mean your services!"
"Sure you did...
She subsided at last, watching intently as he worked. Her pen scratched against paper as she took studious notes.
It wasn't to last.
"I don't understand." she asked suddenly. "If you have all this skill and power, then why lower yourself to that of a mere Chef?"
"Must you always be so suspicious?" he flicked her forehead. "I simply want to showcase my talents...and find someone who can truly enjoy my cooking. I have no particular objective beyond that." Truth be told, he held no ulterior motive. "I'm not interested in world conquest." when her scowl redoubled he offered a small shrug. "I could rule, if I want to. But why would I? Food brings people together better than any monarch could."
Really, who wanted to rule Remnant?
That was a pipe dream if he'd ever seen one. You couldn't very well rule five kingdoms -Menagerie still counted to him, no matter what some people might say!- but it would take your entire life and an army besides. That was a thankless task one he had no desire to revisit. Why conquer the world with strength of arms when you could do it with food?
Lot less work, that.
"You might say my only goal now is to enjoy myself." he said at the last. "And of course, I enjoy nothing more than the looks of delight my cooking inspires on peoples faces."
She opened her mouth to reply, only to be muffled by a morsel of warm bread.
"That's it." Naruto patted her head. "That's the look. Never gets old."
Her brow furrowed. "For a reason such as that...?!"
"Ah!" his finger touched her lips before he could launch into another rant. "This is not a discussion for the two us, unlike the salt and pepper over there," he gestured to the well prepared meal he'd been eating while he waited, "It's not on the table. Now watch and take notes. If I'm going to teach you, then I'll teach you proper." a wink and he went to work. "Properly."
Weiss begrudged him a nod.
Naruto beamed and went back to work.
Before long he heard the faint scratch of pen against paper.
(.0.0.0.)
Cinder was hungry.
No, hunger implied she could last a while yet. She couldn't. Because she was starving. With each passing moment that she sat here, she felt her stomach twitch. How?! It had only been a few days! Surely she wasn't so weak that she'd lose herself this quickly...was she?
Did it have something to do with the portions? He'd only given her leftovers this time, not a proper meal. Maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe she wanted more. Once upon a time, such a notion should have galled Cinder Fall to her very bones. She loathed the idea of being beholden to anyone or anything. It would have, were she in her right mind.
But then again, she hadn't been for quite some time, had she?
"Look boss, I'm tellin' ya, we need more men for this...
Why had she agreed to meet Roman here again?
Torchwicks words -and excuses!- droned on and on as he made his report, an endless animal bleat that Cinder no longer bothered to pay attention to. She caught vague snippets of it, something about preparing to hit a shipment at the docks, but little more. She paid him lip service and nothing else. How much longer would this insipid meeting last?
...Cinder?"
"Yes, yes. You'll have your men. she waved a hand flippantly at him. "Are we done here?"
Her pawn scowled, but didn't dare defy her. He knew better. Whatever her mood, he'd just assume she was cross over something else. She waved a hand at him in dismissal, not trusting herself to speak further even as he beat a hasty retreat. Her mind was too frazzled to communicate properly, and her stomach twisted tortuously.
Really, she wouldn't be cross if she could just eat something.
One might think that a problem such as this could be solved by eating something. But she couldn't! Her taste buds had been spoiled to the point of no return. Regular food tasted like ash to her now. Her stomach wouldn't have it. No, it was Naruto's food or nothing at all. It was her drug, one she couldn't get enough of.
She'd had dreams. Ambitions. And she still had them, but everything else was secondary to the Food.
The Food was love. The Food was life. The Food was all. Long live the Food!
'Oh gods, I've become a food whore.'
Thinking of it made things worse.
Succulent sauces, meat that melted in her mouth, rice that tasted like sunshine itself...! Sweat beaded upon her brow. Her stomach growled. Her knees twisted left and right in thinly veiled agitation. No! Calm! She must remain in control. She would not cave to her base urges and bolt; for to do so threatened to expose her double life. The threat of complete and utter humiliation stayed her, if only just.
Emerald finally noticed and fast her a curious look. "Cinder, are you alright? You're acting strange."
She blinked quickly. Too quickly. "I haven't the foggiest idea what you mean...
Her minion tilted her head. "You're drooling, ma'am."
Cinder wiped her mouth. "You saw nothing."
They must never know. Never. Ever.
She'd sooner die than reveal this side of herself to anyone else. And if she couldn't, she slay anyone who witnessed her behavior. Nevermind Roman and Neo -or even Emerald and Mercury!- the rest of Salem's inner circle would make an absolute mockery of her for this. Hazel might not care one way or the other, but the rest were another matter entirely. She shuddered at the thought. Gods above, she could all but hear Tyrian and Watts cackling at her, mocking her, denigrating her for falling so far, to say nothing of Salem herself...
Bzzt!
Her scroll vibrated once in her pocket, prompting the would-be-Maiden to withdraw it in a flurry of motion.
"Hmm?" Cinder frowned, looked down, saw the message. Smiled as she read it; for three lines waited her within, written in a familiar scrawl.
"Made something a little different today. Plenty of leftovers. Hope you like Ramen."
Her heart performed an acrobaticflip against the walls of her chest and leaped into her throat. At last! The Food! Glory be to the gods! Now if she could just make her way to his abode without drawing attention to herself, all would be well. Her cravings would sated for a time once more satisfied, leaving her free to plot and scheme as she had before-
Mercury peered over her shoulder with childlike curiosity. "Who's that? Friend of yours? And what the heck is Ramen?"
Cinder yelped and hastily stowed her scroll before he could get a good look at it. "Nothing!"
Emerald and Mercury exchanged a wry look. "Sound like something...
(.0.0.0.)
"Aaaand, sent!"
They say time flies when you're having fun.
Naruto pocked his scroll and wiped a bead of sweat from his brow.
"I think we'll call it a day there," he declared, regarding the rapidly darkening sky from the window. "You did pretty good today, Weiss. Wouldn't want to wear you out-
When he looked back, Weiss was sound asleep at the table, face down, her head buried in a cookbook. A tiny snore reached his ears. If her arms were covered in flour and her face was sprinkled in spices, he pretended not to notice. She hadn't been content to take notes after all, it seemed. Warmed an old man's heart, it did. She'd worked harder than he thought.
Naruto pinched the brow of his nose. Of course she'd worked herself to exhaustion.
Didn't stop him from tugging a blanket over her shoulders, though.
"Silly girl...
A/N: More of a calm chapter, I know.
As ever, we're sticking with the tried and true "Embers" Rule for this story.
If folks don't like it, it'll be deleted. So speak up! Make yourself heard! Your voice matters!
Seriously. That's no joke.
So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly?
And have some previews.
Also. References ahoy!
Because why not?
(Previews)
"Soooo, how was he?"
Weiss whipped a pillow at Yang's head. The blond fell with a squawk.
Cardin slammed a fist into his palm. "This ain't over...
"Sober, are we?
Winter's pale face turned red.
"I am so terribly sorry for the mess I made...
"Food! Now!"
Naruto sauntered into kitchen with a rueful smile. "Whiiiiiiiiipped."
Cinder trailed after him as a starving dog might their master. "Damn you...
"C'mon, just one bite?"
Ozpin's lips sealed themselves shut.
"FOUND YOU!"
A blur cannoned through the wall, bowled Blake over, and slammed into Naruto.
Ruby flung herself aside, half expecting an attack. It never came. A silver eye creaked open to find a frightfully tall blond woman -easily head and shoulders above Yang!- hoisting Beacon's Chef into the air and squeezing him with all her might.
"Hurk!" Naruto grunted, quite trapped in the intruder's armored arms. "Down, Barghest! You're gonna break your old man's riiiiiibs!"
EDIT: Aye, that Barghest. From FGO. Makes sense, if you think about it...
R&R~!