AN: First of: I truly have to apologize to you for making you wait so long for an update. I've had my reasons: trips, a crazy work schedule, family time, sadly dealing with a natural catastrophe (those who follow international news have maybe heard about the flood disaster in parts of Germany, parts where I live; thank God my family and friends are okay, but it hit a little too close to home for it to not have affected me in some way), finishing my translation of this story and thinking about where else I want to take this without finding the time and quiet to actually write something new. You know how that goes sometimes.
But nevertheless I've been incredibly grateful to have received some wonderful new reviews since the last update and seeing that new people still find, follow and favorite this story as well as everyone who's been around from the very beginning staying tuned as well. Thank you so much for your support and your patience, I can't believe that this has been going on for over a year now. I don't think that I have ever stuck to a story for as long as I have been working on this one.
So without further ado: This is a new chapter, extra long. I hope you enjoy it!
Chapter Title "Just Goes To Show" by Eliza Shaddad
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!
"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great."
(Roger de Bussy-Rabutin)
One hour time difference, 2 hours 44 minutes flight time, 733 miles, one big secret, one major information, one relationship status update apart…
It was always quite shocking to experience that everything could change in an instant. Everything. And then there was only a before and an after. And the tricky thing right now was that Jay and her were on different sides of that "after".
Whereas Jay was well up in the air and on his way to a new, possibly dangerous, adventure by now, as well as a potential reunion with his female partner, who might or might not have feelings for him, Rianne was still completely at a loss on how she wanted to handle their 'seriously life-altering' news.
At first she had thought that she needed the quiet of their own home to process, maybe get busy with some more packing or unpacking boxes, distract herself, get into some kind of routine or just sit down and think for a while, she had made her way back to the new house. But after drying her leftover tears and fixing up her face a litte, she knew she couldn't possibly stay. Just being there, taking in the traces of Jay's and her hurried first morning together before they had parted ways and gone to work as usual, only to be faced with some major change of plans a little later, didn't feel right. She couldn't be on her own right now, not when she knew she would be alone here for the next few days. Rianne knew she was in jeopardy of curling up into a ball, feeling sorry for herself, shedding some more scalding hot tears and missing her boyfriend, when he hadn't even been gone for long. It was way too quiet, no workers around today, no friends, no Jay, just her and… her and this little, their child inside of her. It was the weirdest thought, the strangest concept that there was something occupying her body that she couldn't see and not yet feel. No one could, but Rianne had actual proof of it in cold print.
She could have paid Will a visit again, because he already knew. Just not that he had to keep the secret for a little while longer than he had probably anticipated when she had left the hospital earlier.
But no, she desperately needed a woman's point of view, a woman's mind similar to hers. And someone who had no double loyalties. Who first of all was her friend and not in any way related to Jay or his baby growing inside of her.
This crisis here practically screamed 'Major BFF-alarm'! She knew Stella was working at Molly's tonight, so that was where she went.
"Oh hi, gorgeous! Feels like I haven't seen you in ages!"
This was really great! Her and Rianne hadn't had much time to really talk these last few weeks as they both had been incredibly busy. So Stella was elated when she unexpectedly saw someone with a bright yellow knit dress, a colorful scarf and a very messy curly bun walk into the semi-crowded bar this Thursday night. And Rianne seemed to be alone. Just perfect, because there was just so much she wanted to tell her best friend. About Cruz' wedding and the impossible scene at the firehouse only just before the festivities (where some protestors had chained themselves to the firehouse doors), she wanted to share the progress on 'Girl's On Fire' and so much more. But when she really looked at her friends face, after she had pulled her into a long hug, she instantly knew that Rianne hadn't come here for idle chit-chat.
"What's wrong?"
Rianne's eyes almost instantly filled with tears after she'd asked that. Tears she angrily blinked away again and straightened her pose.
"Can we talk…somewhere private?" Her tone was urgent and her voice uncharacteristically low, so Stella didn't hesitate to call out to her fellow barkeeper:
"Of course. Hermann? I'm taking my five now!"
Hermann looked like he thought she had to be joking, because he had to know that by the looks of it, her five would probably turn into a little more. But he didn't try to stop her from taking Rianne into the back of the bar.
There couldn't possibly be something wrong between her and Jay could there? Kelly had told her that the surprise gift for Rianne, that her man had helped built, had been very well received, because just this morning Jay had apparently sent Kelly a text, thanking him again for his help. And their friends' moving project had generally gone relatively smoothly. So maybe something had happened at work or there were some new family issues Stella was unaware of?
"So, what's up?" She immediately asked, after she had shut the door to the kitchen.
Rianne took a deep breath, before she looked at her with a stern expression. Close to she looked a little rough. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were a little rosy, because spring in Chicago was really just another, maybe milder, form of winter, with nightly temperatures still just near freezing point, but there were deep, dark circles around her eyes:
"Can you keep a secret?"
Stella nodded impatiently. Of course she could keep a secret. But Rianne kept eyeing her suspiciously:
"I mean a real secret! A 'you can't even tell Kelly about it' secret!" She was dead serious.
Okay, that was a little harder, Stella guessed, but of course there was no way she was denying her friend the request, as it seemed to be something Rianne desperately needed to get off her chest. And no way she would not want to know what that was. So she gave her a "Cross my heart" and held her breath. The suspense was killing her.
Rianne pushed a little piece of paper into her hands and didn't say anything at all. Stella looked at it, really took it in, but the meaning behind this blurry black-and-white image in her hands only caught up very, very slowly. She looked at Rianne again, then at the picture… this … what? Really?
"No shit!"
On closer inspection it had her friend's name on it and today's date. She had to be joking, right?
"True shit!" Rianne stated matter-of-factly, while Stella still felt out of sorts.
"What's Jay got to say for himself?" A real stupid first thing to ask, but the words just fell from Stella's mouth.
But at least the corners of Rianne's mouth quirked up a little: "Nothing, because he doesn't know yet."
Rianne gave her an abbreviated version of why Intelligence had had to leave town so unexpectedly and why her girl hadn't had the guts to tell him in those very hurried parting minutes. So of course that had added to the weight of this unexpected development:
"Oh… okay… and… what are we feeling here hon? Sad, happy, confused, afraid, overwhelmed, excited, all of the above? Help me out here, because I can't really tell with you right now!"
That woman opposite her was pregnant! Her best friend was pregnant and obviously not completely over the moon about it. This hadn't been planned. Rianne would have told her, if she had changed her mind about that in the meantime. If anything, Stella knew that the issue had been a confrontational one for Rianne and as well between her and Jay.
"All of the above?" Her friend was running shaky hands over her face now.
"Good, so…. I mean, I am seriously freaking out every minute now, but you… tell me, what are you feeling, thinking, what do you want to do, I mean… what… What does the 'overwhelmed You' say for example?"
Stella desperately wanted to be helpful, because she knew all about Rianne's history, all about the last time she had been in that… 'state'? So she grabbed her shoulders to keep her focused.
"She says: 'Aw, hm… what? No, I…. I am…what the fuck?' something like that!" Rianne answered in an exaggerated terrified tone.
Okay, overwhelmed her wouldn't be too helpful handling this, so Stella tried again: "Right, maybe a bad example to start with. Let's see, um… 'anxious You'?"
"That's really easy, because she's been a very good friend of mine today: 'Oh my god, no, I can't do this. I wanna crawl under a rock and deny that this is happening, because it just can't, and what if I screw it up again and what if we're not ready to do this, this wasn't in my relationship timeline yet and…"
Stella immediately shook Rianne's shoulders hard to stop her rambling. This must truly be making her head hurt.
"Okay, stop it… I get the impression. And 'rational You'?"
"Hm, good question, let's see…" Rianne was indeed taking this very serious.
Typical social-worker / therapist genes: "Oh yeah: 'That's what you get for not being more careful and considerate, so now you've got to suck it up and deal with it Torres!'"
"That's very good advice, I'd say!" Stella chuckled and Rianne let out a deep breath, looking at Stella as if she couldn't quite believe she had just coaxed her into one of her own methods:
"Wow, that was actually an excellent way to distance myself from all of this chaos!"
"Learned a thing or two from you… Well, I'd offer you a drink for the shock, but I guess that's out of the question…"
"You can have that drink for the two of us…" Rianne snorted and gestured for Stella to hold on a second. She must have felt her cell-phone vibrate in her pocket long before Stella had even heard a sound.
After that very spontaneous flight, a short briefing at the SVU quarters about the case, Intelligence was allowed a little rest before having to be fit to play earliest thing in the morning. Jay was actually excited, one might say even a little pumped. It was a case that they had worked in Chicago years ago and hadn't been able to solve. Now the same kind of gruesome homicides had occurred in New York, so maybe there was a chance to finally get justice for the victims and find the killer with united forces. Tonight though there was just one thing left he needed to do:
"Oh hi, how very progressive of you! So we're video-calling now?" When he saw Rianne's face beaming back at him, he was surprised that from the looks of it she was still out and at Molly's, with Stella, who also greeted him with a wave and blowing some kisses in the direction of the phone-screen.
Jay found it soothing to see her in the company of a friend though, making the best of his absence. Although he had never doubted that. Rianne wasn't the type to let herself be weighed down by something 'profane' like being alone. At least not really, he had only gotten a weird overwhelmed vibe off of her when they had said goodbye earlier! But surly she had just been a little too surprised by the change of plans.
"Guess I learned from the best," he quipped.
"Who do you mean?"
"Your mum?" She looked confused for a minute.
"Oh yeah…" They both shared a secret smile, thinking back to when that video-call from her mum had caught them in the act.
"Seriously though, I knew this way I would get to see at least one pretty face tonight!"
"Hey, I heard that! Now I'm seriously offended…" Someone else's voice put a puzzled expression on Rianne's features.
A second later Ruzek's wet towel landed on him that he had thrown out of the bathroom door. Obviously his colleague could be pretty quick at taking a shower.
"Is that Adam in your bedroom?" her soft voice asked with a chuckle.
"Yeah, I drew the short end of the stick and got Ruz for a roommate…"
"Right, so did you guys settle in okay?"
"Yep, it's like one gigantic frat party here…"
Jay had been trying to rest his eyes on the flight, but it had been a little hard because of Amanda's constant and at times still incomprehensible chattering on the seat next to him, so he had not really been too thrilled to find that there were only double bedrooms booked for them at the hotel they were staying at. And now Kevin and the new guy were barging into his room too, paying him and Adam a visit for some late night snacks and obviously to wind down.
"What up girl? Love you too!" Kevin made her laugh by butting in on the phone-call as well and waving at the screen.
Jay groaned at those antics. He really should have locked himself in the bathroom to make this call, but it had obviously been occupied already. It was good to see Rianne's warm smile though.
"And Voight gets to have his own room, while you all have to bunk up together?" Stella asked and also still seemed to be in on this call.
Jay guessed he'd better get used to having less privacy the following days: "Yeah…"
"If the position comes with the benefits of a single bedroom, maybe you should take that Sergeant's exam after all, babe!" Rianne winked at him through the screen, which was too far away for his taste.
"Nothing I ain't used to from my Army days, so it's alright. Guess we'll not get to spend much time in here anyway…" From what they knew of the case up until now it certainly wouldn't be a walk in the park.
"It's funny actually, because just a few weeks ago Stella and I were debating wether you'd be the type for roommates, didn't we?"
He saw the two women cracking up with laughter and the screen got a little blurry, because Rianne was shaking her phone around so much.
"Why would you ever talk about that?" he chuckled and his heart gave a little painful tug.
Shit, he missed her already…
"Maybe you just should have told him before he left. I'm sure he would have stayed…" Stella commented on Rianne's troubled sigh when she had ended the call.
God he had looked so handsome and that smile of his had made her want to crawl through the phone and curl up in his arms, where it was safe. It was always safe in his arms.
"I mean, even I felt awkward talking to him right now, because I know more than he does! How are you going to keep that up?"
That was a good question Rianne couldn't answer. She guessed she would have to wing it?
"I didn't want him to stay just because I'm pregnant. What is he supposed to do? Sit by my side and hold my hand while I freak out?"
It was actually exactly what she would have needed, what she would have wanted, but would always deny herself. At least she would have never outright asked for it.
"That would have been an option…"
"Telling him makes it so real!"
"But it is real, isn't it? And it's his 'fault' just as well…" Stella drew quotation marks in the air.
It was really a little late and not very useful to be talking about who's fault it was. There was no going back in time now.
"He should be back next week, so I'd rather tell him in person, see his reaction face to face, not through some damn phone screen. In the meantime I'll do that second check-up, so then we'll know for sure it's actually true and that hopefully everything's gonna be fine."
Because a little part of her still didn't trust this, she didn't dare to get her hopeful side up.
Stella squeezed her hand again, something she had already done throughout the previous phone-call from time to time, giving Rianne the silent affirmation that she was there for her and had her back. Once again she was incredibly grateful that she could just about tell Stella everything, be brutally honest and get just as brutally honest answers in return. And there was just one more reason left she needed to get out:
"Also I know he's going to see Hailey and talk about what she said to him before she left, so… if there is even a miniscule chance that there is something between the two of them after all, I don't want him to base his decision on the fact that we were obviously pretty careless!"
Stella suddenly grabbed her face and made her look at her, urging her to see reason: "Honey, you're insane! I say that with complete love! He told you, that he doesn't feel this way for her and you said you truly believed him. What's happening to you right now? You're usually not that insecure?"
Rianne felt another detested sob bubble up in her throat, because as her friend's words hit home: "I know that, and I hate it! And my guess is there's probably more insanity waiting where that came from, so… It may sound like an impossible ask, but Stella I need you to support me! I just… I wanna handle this well. Take care of myself and this…" she pointed to the sonogram still in Stella's hands and vaguely to her still very flat belly.
"I can't do it all by myself while Jay is in New York and unwitting. And I know it's my fault that I didn't tell him right away, but it was just too much today."
Her relief when she saw Stella nod at her sympathetically was beyond description.
"Okay, I can do this for you, but… I need to get my excitement out real quick, just this one time, yeah? Because I have a feeling that you haven't even let yourself feel that for a second!"
"Oh…kay…?" Rianne wasn't sure what Stella meant and wanted her to do, but the next second she found herself engulfed in a squealing hug dance by her friend, while she chimed:
"You and Jay are going to have a baby!"
Thankfully she still only whispered that into Rianne's ear, bearing in mind that they could very well be overheard by the Molly's staff, but it actually made her relax into the thought for a minute.
"Yeah, I guess we really are!" Stella was right.
Her excitement had fallen by the wayside up until now. The other woman beamed at her, when she finally let her go again:
"This is seriously the fastest from 'zero to everything relationship' that I have ever seen!"
Not the first time Rianne had heard or thought that herself. But like she'd said to Jay: Was it too much? Or just the right amount?
"Do I ever do things with the right timing or pacing? Seems I always jump right in… like with Andrea…."
Stella didn't answer that, because she probably knew that these were random thoughts, not necessarily needing to be answered. Because it didn't matter anyway, it was what it was.
"Sometimes I don't even know if I'm grown-up enough!" Rianne found her forehead wrinkling again, like she had no control over all that chaos in her head.
Now Stella punched her arm in annoyance: "Girl, you're 33! You were ready to do it once before and in two years everyone will begin to tell you how your ovaries are going to dry up soon! So I guess now is the perfect time to get started!"
"You mean once I reach the wrong side of 35?"
"Exactly!"
"Well, I think that's bullshit anyway, but you're right: I'm not exactly too young to have a child, am I?"
And against her will Rianne just had to break out into laughter over her own childish idiocy. Because when could one ever get that 100% safety, the assurance or security that something was right? Now she just needed to find the calm acceptance, that it was okay that things were happening in a different order than the way she had had in mind.
The first few days there was just very little time in between to call and check in with Chicago. They were knee-deep in the case, pulling all-nighters and looking for clues, in a word: working their butt's off as usual.
And somehow Jay reveled in the feeling that in spite of that he felt safe, safely connected to his home, to her. Rianne's 'good morning' and 'good night' texts were enough assurance for him, that they would make it through this time apart. Funny enough their first time apart since so many months of at least seeing each other for a few minutes every day. How he'd already gotten used to that!
Rianne provided him with pictures of little things she had improved around the house or some finally unpacked boxes and stayed calm, when he didn't have the time to get back to her right away. So that's how it felt like when someone was taking a load off of him and had him covered.
The case dragged on longer than he would have anticipated. "The City that never sleeps" surely did her nickname proud and so did the case they were handling. And even though he actually loved the change of scenery and the great team he was working with, there were moments when he was beginning to feel a little homesick.
Chicago was much more laid back, no people constantly rushing around, whereas Manhattan was just one big fuss. The faster the better. In comparison Chicago was a village. A village with higher crime rates though, but it also was home and always would be.
Everything was ten times as expensive it seemed, even the coffee he had gotten for him and Hailey today, that didn't even taste as good as the price should have ensured.
Driving a car around New York was almost impossible, because traffic was reliably terrible and parking hard to come by, so he had stuck with the subway to get to Brooklyn Bridge Park to use a short time slot in his morning, to finally meet up with Hailey. Alone!
They had first seen each other the evening before at a somewhat strange gathering. Celebratory drinks, because of a tiny break in the case and everyone needing a little breather before continuing. It had certainly not been the private encounter he had been hoping for, but seen as the rest of the unit also wanted to see Hailey and Voight had even organized for Erin to be there, he hadn't really had a say in it. It had been quite the reunion party: A somewhat awkward reunion party, the crowd a mixture of people working for the SVU, FBI and Intelligence. So Jay had found himself between a unique assortment of women: His old partner and ex-girlfriend, his currently estranged partner and his recent surrogate partner, who was a very special and odd woman herself, but who kept growing on him.
It had gotten even more awkward when Rianne video-called him and Erin had snatched the phone away from him, when he had just been about to go outside to take the call:
"Oh, is that her? That 'disgustingly serious' girlfriend of yours?"
She had been referring to an earlier conversation where they all had briefly filled each other in on their private lives.
And just like that his past had made a connection with his present and hopefully future. It had felt weird, but then again it hadn't been that big a deal as he would have anticipated. He couldn't wait to have a talk with Rianne though what she had thought about it.
At least he had met Hailey's current partner OA as well, something that had been seriously reassuring. Him and the other ex-Army-Ranger had hit it off right from the start, without having to use too many words. There had been a mutual understanding that Jay needed OA to keep his partner safe for the time being and seemed to be well capable of doing just that.
Jay hoped it was only for the time being, so he intended to find out for sure today. Although last night had almost felt like everything was back to normal between them, at least with the others around, Jay knew that some things needed to be said. And he thought that he had given Hailey enough space and time, just like she had requested.
She had looked more sorted, more light-hearted than last in Chicago. This different experience, the other crowd, the different routine, seemed to do her good.
Maybe Voight had made the right call, maybe she had needed this. Nevertheless Jay would be lying to himself if the thought of her staying here forever, didn't scare the hell out of him. He didn't want to be without her as his partner. Because despite the awkwardness and insecurity at the moment, she was the one he needed by his side moving forward on this job. So he was a little nervous what their talk would bring to light. What decisions Hailey had made in the meantime? If they could fix this?
They had met at Brooklyn Bridge Park to go for a walk, because she always found it easier to get tricky issues out in the open when one wasn't awkwardly sitting across from each other in a café, with nothing else to do. It had also become one of her favorite places in New York, some place that faintly resembled the feeling of walking along the Chicago River, something she had felt the need to share with him. And of course the views of the East River and Lower Manhattan were impressive on their own.
"So… are we going to continue dancing around the elephant in the room?" Jay suddenly stopped their work-related talk.
Of course they had not tackled the thing that she knew he wanted to talk to her about right away. The thing why he had asked her to meet him for coffee alone. When she had seen him walking towards her earlier, two coffee cups in hand like usually, as if they were meeting early in morning in a Chicago crime-scene, Hailey had suddenly been afraid how this 'truth talk' would affect her. So she had started them off with more talk about the case Intelligence was working, the reason why they were here at all, although that topic had more or less been covered last night. Time to face the music now:
"Yeah… I hope I didn't cause you any trouble with that… thing…" Hailey only risked a quick glance at his face.
A face she had missed dearly, but that was also a little dangerous. Especially when the corners of his mouth quirked up into that famous half smile of his, like right now:
"You mean the kiss? Can't you even say it out loud?"
She shook her head. Not yet anyway, she needed to test the waters first.
Jay seemed surprisingly relaxed and calm about it. This talk with her couldn't have been one he had been looking forward to. And on top of that he was working a high-pressure case in this city. But Jay was her symbolic calm, always, especially in her most recent storm.
At first, when he had texted her that the unit was coming to New York, she had panicked. She had thought she wasn't ready to see him, to have this talk. Hailey had wanted to put that at the very last position on her list of things she needed to figure out.
But then really seeing him again last night and being in his presence, it had actually been very comforting and clarifying: It was Jay for God's sake! 'Just' Jay! A man she had already told and shared so much with. He wasn't someone she needed to be afraid of. They could survive this, couldn't they? Hailey had however noticed that she had been secretly looked for a wedding ring on his finger and been relieved she hadn't found one. So maybe there were still some issues concerning that she needed to tackle.
"We're good Hailey, and…" Jay's soft voice pulled her from her thoughts and she stopped him right away:
"Yeah, I know Jay, we're always gonna be, but I just feel that I messed up big time and, I guess, I want to apologize for handling things poorly…"
For making this into something bigger than it was. That the thought of maybe never getting to see him again had pushed her to do something really stupid, really embarrassing that night. And afterwards she had acted like a world-class coward.
"But it's true Hailey: We're fine! As long as we talk about it now. And if you're concerned about Rianne and I? We're also fine! Besides, she knows that I wanted to talk to you about this!"
"So you told her about the… kiss?" Obviously she really couldn't say it out loud.
Because she was still ashamed by her own actions. Actions she had relived over and over in her head.
"Yeah, of course I told her! She would have figured it out anyway with that witchy mind of hers. I can't hide these things from her. And she said she gets why you did it!"
Hailey rolled her eyes and sighed: "Ugh, I hate that she's so cool about everything!"
Jay just smiled into his coffee, as if this was something he mostly didn't get himself. If Hailey had been in Rianne's shoes she surely wouldn't have been so understanding. She didn't know how that woman did it, hadn't really gotten it last year at Molly's and sure as hell didn't get it now.
"Any chance she'd be willing to share you then?" Hailey quipped sarcastically.
Jay snorted and tried to lock eyes with her, probably to estimate how serious she really was: "Get in line! I have to warn you though: Right now we're only taking applicants with some kind of crazy fetish…"
Hailey looked taken aback when he smirked and winked at her, not knowing were this had come from: "Oh, you suddenly funny now Jay Halstead?"
"Maybe… Not, but seriously…"
"I was just kidding Jay!" Hailey hurried to say.
Maybe her attempt to lighten the mood had sent the wrong message. She didn't want Jay to believe that she had seriously meant, that…
"Yeah, me too! Because Hailey you deserve someone who will put you first at all costs!" He lightly touched her arm and squeezed it, making sure she knew he truly meant what he had just said.
Goddamn him for always finding the right words. Hailey felt heat creep into her cheeks. But there was obviously more he needed to get out:
"Hailey, I need you to understand one thing: I am going to marry her! It may not be now, but at some point I certainly want it to happen and I need you to get on board with that. It's not that I need your blessing. It's just that your opinion matters to me and I would like us all to get along. You matter to me and I want us to stay friends. Maybe we'll not be the ones, who double date or make each other godparents of our children. But you're an important person to me and I owe you my life in more ways than one. You always had my back and you believed in me even when I didn't and I love you, just not like I love Rianne. It's just different. And when I'm with her I know I don't want anything to change, and I like that I don't have to care about the complications of a work-place-romance. She can just be my girlfriend, hopefully one day my wife. And we can be completely open about our relationship wherever we go. And if you can't do this, if I am hurting you in any way, I need you to tell me!"
For his and their standards this had been a very lengthy speech and Jay kind of looked exhausted after giving it to her. It also suddenly made very clear to her, how much he had matured in the last few months. He really was in a good place… She would be lying to herself, if she said that some words didn't smart at least a little, hearing them out loud. Hearing the things she had already known.
"Jay, it's fine! Honestly, I've been thinking a lot about why I did what I did and why I said what I said to you… I guess, since you got shot, I have been dealing with the fear of losing you, and then it felt like I was losing you in a whole different way. I haven't been in a good place in Chicago for the last few months. And I think I panicked and I was clinging to something that has made me feel safe these last few years! You've very important to me to Jay!"
The complete truth of these words almost made her well up with tears. She hoped she could blame it on the wind blowing over from the East River and tousling up their hair as they walked on.
"You will never lose me as a person or as a friend, Hailey!" Jay sounded a little choked up too.
Hailey took a deep breath and stopped in her tracks to look into his eyes.
He needed to know that she surprisingly meant what she said next: "It's not that I don't like her, totally not. Rianne might be the best choice you've made so far."
She tried to lighten them both up with a little dig at his track record. Jay smiled and scratched the back of his neck, actually blushing like a little boy:
"I am truly happy with her!"
"Yeah, I think I can finally begin to see that. You have to admit though, that you two are moving pretty fast relationship-wise."
"Yes, I know! But it's what I want. I don't wanna wait around for something, because if that last year has taught me anything, it's that everything can change in an instant, so I don't wanna waste my time hesitating!"
Hailey was taking him in, his dead-serious eyes. He meant every word and she got that someone had been able to fill his heart with trust and hope.
"But I've actually missed this… Us?"
"Yeah, me too!"
There was a little awkward pause, Jay was kicking at some gravel-stones before looking at her again, a look that now made her blush a little. Then he threw away their by now empty coffee-cups and smoothly changed the topic:
"So, what did you think of Amanda?" So Jay had thankfully noticed that it was enough 'feelings' for her today.
"Uh, she is certainly feisty…"
"That she is…"
"But I liked her. I'm actually looking forward to working with her, when I get back!"
"So you are coming back?" Was there slight doubt in his voice? Had he been afraid that she wouldn't be able to work with him anymore?
"Of course I'm coming back, you dummy! Y'all wouldn't know what to do without me! Besides I really don't know how much longer I can go without actual pizza! These things here are like a piece of paper!"
She didn't tell him about the offer from the FBI that was still on the table and that she had not been able to make a decision about, until she had had this talk with Jay. Until was sure that they could salvage this partnership between them. It had been her back-up plan.
One week! One week of fearing what could happen, and of putting that fear away again, one week of worrying how much alcohol she'd had during the time where she had already been pregnant, but unaware… one week of switching now obviously unnecessary birth control for folate pills… one week of making appointments and adjustments… one week of constantly thinking that everyone had to see what was up, just by looking at her, and calling herself a stupid idiot for it. There was nothing to see yet and just because she was constantly thinking about it, didn't mean that everyone else knew. It had just been one week.
It seemed that her rational side did everything that was necessary on autopilot, but her mind and her emotions couldn't really keep up. So from time to time she would catch herself staring off into space and feeling a little numb.
Sometimes it felt like she couldn't breathe properly, because it still felt so unreal and made her feel like she was living in a parallel world. That something she hadn't really dared to think about, to think through, because it was forever linked to tremendous trauma, had become her new reality.
And Rianne missed Jay terribly. She really didn't like how much she missed him and how she had resorted to explicitly sleeping on his side of the bed, a bed he had actually only slept in that one time, with his clothes all around her. Sometimes she wasn't really sure, if his smell made the missing part better or even worse.
It was hard to fathom, because, hell she had done this before! She had been alone. She couldn't possibly miss someone so much. She had to be content and capable of living her life on her own, right?
He had no idea how long the days got without him, when she had this big elephant to keep in line.
At least with Stella knowing she had another partner in crime, another one to share the load with and to help her get things organized, make last arrangements to move Jay's and her stuff from one place to another.
Rianne knew she should have probably cut back on several fronts more, but she kept pushing through. Through the tiredness, through overall sickness and through the feeling of fear. She just had to, because the person she needed to share this with, was still miles away.
Between keeping as busy as she could in her current state, she was lying around a lot, just staring into space, trying to connect with her body, with this child, and cuddling with Límon.
It had been the same with Matteo. There hadn't been immediate joy. First of all came the fear of losing herself and her independence. She had only slowly fallen in love with the idea. Maybe she hadn't been so different from her mother in that department after all.
By now she had a pretty good idea when exactly this pregnancy must have started, if her cycle wasn't completely off: The night they had signed the contract for the house, gotten their keys, celebrated their new start and her trauma counseling license… Oh boy!
Jay and her as parents… What would that even look like? When would she tell her boss? Now was way too early and she didn't want to jinx things, but she also wanted to take good care of herself, of that child.
She loved kids, kids were a good thing, right? She worked with them all the time, so why panic about one of her own right now?
¡Joder! There were just too many questions all at once. Questions she didn't have all the answers to yet.
When it became clear that Intelligence wouldn't be done in New York in the estimated time and Jay had to stay for approximately another week, Rianne had made arrangements and called on her friends to make Jay's apartment presentable, after she had spent some sort of farewell-night there. She then took him on a video-tour, his last chance to see it, before they would need to hand over the keys.
The sudden realization that she had to keep holding this gigantic piece of information in for an unknown amount of days, suddenly felt impossible. So Rianne almost came close to telling Jay over the phone after all:
"Jay, I…"
But then they were interrupted by someone else in the background: "Halstead! Again? Haven't you told your pretty lass how much you miss her already two times today?" It was Amanda's teasing voice, that Scottish lilt was undeniable.
Jay, completely unaware what a big announcement she had just been about to make, instantly reacted to the teasing: "Why the hell is no one making fun of Ruzek calling Kim all the time?" Jay asked his colleagues, obviously lurking around and listening in to his phone-call, again!
"Because he doesn't try to suspiciously sneak off every time and is generally more open about being a love sick idiot than you!" Amanda answered with what it sounded a big fat grin on her face.
Rianne was sure that Jay flipped her off, before turning his attention back to her.
"Sorry 'bout that, babe! What were you going to say?"
The moment had passed. God he looked so chipper and…: "Never mind. It… can wait… I'll leave you guys to it then."
She just couldn't do it, it felt like she was never really alone with him! And this was first and foremost something intimate. Words failed Rianne and she hated herself for it. But it was the right decision, wasn't it? Her child needed her, or his, father back here in one piece and the only way to ensure that on her end was, if she kept everything bothersome from his mind. They could deal with this back at home, in private, with time. He had another 30 weeks or so to get used to the idea of becoming a father, hadn't he? Besides, she wouldn't make any plans or decisions on anything moving forward until he got home, so…
Thankfully Jay seemed so preoccupied with everything going on around him, that he wasn't adamant that she got back to the thing she had wanted to tell him before:
"Seriously babe, thank you for everything you've done. I'll try and make up for it when I get back."
"Jay, it's okay. I'm doing this for you and me both." And someone else, you don't know about yet…, she added silently.
"And I truly appreciate it! I'll make sure you know how much! If there's anything left to do, you can also call on Adam as of tomorrow."
"Why's he allowed to come back earlier than the rest of you?"
"I guess having a very pregnant girlfriend at home kind of did the trick…" Rianne was speechless and for a second she wanted to scream:
"But you too have a pregnant girlfriend at home," but of course decided against it.
Her and Kim were not even comparable. She wasn't that pregnant, yet. And she seriously wasn't gonna play that card to get him to come back early, however much she felt the urge to do it.
"Right, so at least now you got the bedroom to yourself…" she added weakly.
The longer his brother's job kept him in New York, the harder it was to keep that secret between Rianne and him under wraps. And Will sort of began resenting it, because it was putting him in an awkward position. Yes, they could argue that it was all doctor-patient-confidentiality, but the longer these news stays just between them, he was having serious trouble keeping his mouth shut in front of Jay. Funny enough his brother kept in contact more than he usually did, just as if he knew something was up.
Caught between loyalties, Will send Rianne another inquiring text on Tuesday, the second week of Jay's absence:
Have you told him yet?
He had last seen her on Friday, when he had helped her move the rest of the stuff out of Jay's apartment, sort out the last boxes and clean the place. Will had been relieved that she was taking care of herself, as Rianne had left the heavy lifting to others and asked for help. Also she'd told him that her second check-up with an actual OB-GYN had gone well, her and the baby were absolutely okay. Rianne had nevertheless looked as if she was fighting lingering tiredness and feeling a little under the weather. Way too early for that special pregnancy glow to set in.
This had been four days ago. He guessed he hadn't quite the Rianne-radar his brother had, when it came to reading between the lines, so he hadn't felt like he needed to constantly check up on her. Especially as she had made it perfectly clear that she liked getting assigned a babysitter just as much as Jay did: Not at all!
But when he didn't get an answer to his text and calling her didn't get him anywhere, he decided to make a quick appearance on her doorstep instead.
First it was to no avail, because the doorbell was left unanswered and he didn't have a back-up key for their house yet. Her truck was however parked outside, so she couldn't have gone far.
Will decided on waiting a little longer. Maybe she had just popped out to do some shopping. Sure it was nothing worrisome and he was just getting himself worked up.
After a short while however, Stella's Jeep suddenly pulled up on the curb, with Rianne in the passenger seat.
His brother's girl bestowed an annoyed glance on him, when she saw him and got out of the car. A little too carefully, he noticed:
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to check on you, because you aren't answering your phone…"
He was greeted with a bitter snort for an answer: "Right, because you Halstead's can't leave well enough alone, can you?"
Will just shrugged. Admittedly his behavior was something he would usually mock his brother for when he went into overprotective panic-mode. But he wondered why Stella, who by now had hopped out of the car as well, had that strange expression on her face while watching Rianne talk to him. Like she was afraid that her friend would crack every second.
"I left my phone inside. But as you can see for yourself: I'm still alive!"
Alive, but obviously not well, Will suddenly thought, with his heart beating faster and sinking at the same time. Something didn't feel right. Close to, Stella looked as if she had been crying and Rianne was moving awfully slow towards the front gate of the house.
"Where'd you guys go just now?" he asked and the moment the words left his mouth, he knew it was a question he might not wanna know the answer to.
Stella looked unsure between him and Rianne: "Northwestern…" she mumbled, after Rianne hadn't reacted.
"Northwestern?" Will was a little dumbfounded. "As in university or…?"
"Northwestern, as in Northwestern Hospital…" Rianne explained very calmly and retrieved her keys out of her bag to open the front-door, like she had just told him what she'd had for lunch.
Will didn't understand: "Why? Why would you go to another hospital? What… what's going on?"
Maybe this trip had been necessary on many different levels. He'd sorted things out with Hailey, at least he hoped they had. And he'd sort of gotten another 'Erin-closure'. It hadn't been the first time he'd seen his ex-girlfriend since she had left Chicago, but it had been the first time in a long time, that he had been able to look at her differently. It had been uplifting to see that she was obviously good and thriving at what she did, but that was just it: There was no leftover resentment, no hurt, no deeper feelings, it had felt like it was all safely in the past. A past he no longer needed any kind of explanation for, a past that didn't need him anymore. All that was left was the bizarre feeling of looking at someone who had once been the center of his world, who had once been so incredibly close to him, and to know that they had both moved on, had become mere acquaintances, that she didn't really know him, the current him, anymore and neither did he know her. And it was fine.
God, he was really spending too much time with wise-ass, philosophical people like his therapist and Rianne.
The urge to get back to the latter grew constantly. To get back to the woman that made his heart skip a beat, who knew every scar on his body and who's smile lit up every room. Back to the one who made his dopamine levels go all silly.
If he hadn't already known where he belonged and who he belonged with, this trip would have surely done the trick.
He was so ready to go home. There had just been something in Rianne's parting words, an underlying sadness, last time they had spoken on the phone:
I just need you back here safely!
People could call him a lovesick idiot all they wanted, but he sure as hell was taking the first flight out of here, as soon as they were done.