"Wow, it's me again! What a surprise!" Deadpool announced, hanging out on the roof of a building. "Recap time for anyone who for some reason decided to start on chapter 4 or just has a shitty memory. Basically, our Avengers found HYDRA, Steve found his long lost lover, but both of those dumbasses thinks the other doesn't love them anymore, and also more crushes exist, now that-" he got cut off by a bird ramming into his head. He freaked out and fell off the building, splattering into pieces on the ground.
"FUCK YOU, AUTHORS!"
Over in the Avengers tower, I crawled through the vents some more until I stumbled upon Steve's room. He and Barnes were driving the team insane with their 'woe is me, he doesn't love me anymore' act, and it's really getting old. Seriously the two are pining worse than Pepper and Nat were, and I thought that was impossible!
Anyway, Steve's room with Steve... Alone. Again. Staring at a picture of Barnes who was sitting in the room down the hall by himself staring at a picture of Steve.
My god I hated living with idiots. These two were hopeless. You know what wasn't hopeless? Sandwiches. Sandwiches: the true miracle of life. Unless Tony makes them, the monstrosities he produces should put him in prison. Why is cucumber, banana, mayonnaise and a screwdriver a good choice exactly? Not very fucking nutritious if you ask me. Tony did explain he just grabbed the first four items in the fridge, which leads us to the question why the hell was there a screwdriver in the fridge? Fridges were for pizza and sandwiches and broccoli! Not screwdrivers.
I hated living with brain dead people.
"Yo, idiot, Bucky likes you back!" I yelled through the vents.
Steve visibly jumped. "Who's- oh, CLINT! SHUT UP! NO HE DOESN'T! Why would he...?"
"Because he's longingly staring at a photo of you in the other room, and haven't you been engaged since you were kids? I'm pretty sure you're both very much in love with each other, bro."
"How do you know how long we've been engaged?"
"Because I live in the vents, dumbass. I hear everything. Also you may have convinced the media that Peggy was your love interest, but it was pretty damn obvious who you've really been gay for all your life."
Steve chuckled fondly. "Yeah, she had a secret girlfriend of her own."
"Sweet, NOW GO BLOODY TALK TO BUCKY!"
"No," Steve protested. "He probably hates me at this point..."
I huffed. "Fine, I'll go talk to Barnes myself then."
And I left before Steve could protest any more.
"Hey, Barnes, Steve loves you a whole lot, mate," I said as soon as I reached him in the vents.
Barnes was very freaked out by that, and he procured a knife out of nowhere.
"Hey, hey, caaaalm. I'm in the vents. I'm Clint. It's okay, I'm Steve's friend."
Barnes eventually found where I was and he cautiously stared up at me.
"Yeah, so, hi, please go talk to Steve. You're both very in love with each other. Trust me. I know everything."
Barnes just glared at me.
"I'm gonna leave you alone, but please talk. I'll check back on you later," I said, and then moved on.
I ended up bumping into someone else. It was Pietro. Damnit, I'd forgotten about him.
"There you are, Barton! I've been looking for you," Pietro said in his Sokovian accent.
"Oh! Pietro! Hi! Um, I'm just doing my usual daily rounds for, you know, Avengers training. Anyway um, why were you looking for me?"
"You said you'll 'take care of me' and then abandoned me right after," Pietro explained.
"Oh. Right. Sorry. Well, you can hang with me in the vents if you'd like." Honestly, I'd always wanted an apprentice.
He agreed, and then we went down a floor.
We found Peter singing his heart out to some kind of song from a musical, so we decided to just leave him be, then we found Tony and Loki being... Intimate. Both of us were repulsed (especially since, as I'd learned during our time together, we were both acespec and arospec) so we quickly crawled away, but not before running into some guy who called himself Deadpool, who imploded shortly after we met him. Further through the building, we found Bruce doing nerdy stuff, and near the bottom, Nat and Pepper getting ready to head out for their date, with Liho wearing an adorable bow tie that she clearly hated. Wanda was being an awkward third wheel, so Pietro jumped out of the vents so he could keep her company whilst those two had their date. Alone again, I headed back to Steve and Barnes.
I found them both in Steve's room. Steve was holding Barnes' hands in his own, and Barnes' eyes were closed. After another minute, they leaned into each other and then hugged each other very tightly. There were also some tears. I kept quiet. I had done my job very well, I believed.
I left the vents in the kitchen, and was very satisfied to find one of Nat's sandwiches in there. I inhaled it instantly, and then all of a sudden Thor appeared.
"Oh Thor! Hi!" I greeted, and then held out another of Nat's mastery. "Want one?"
Thor looked at it. "This is what Midgardians call a sandwich, yes?"
"Yeah! These ones are really good," I gave it to him, and he also inhaled it quickly. He seemed to like it. "Anyway, so, Thor, what are you doing here? Don't you have Asgard business to be attending to?"
"I just thought I might drop by. See how my brother and his fiancé are going."
"Oh they're going good, last I saw. Anyway, want something else to eat? We have a bunch- ooh, pride cupcakes- yeah, whatever you want."
A few hours later, everyone was chilling together, and then Barnes and Steve came out.
"Um, so we just thought we would tell everyone that we're officially together," Steve said.
"Wait, you weren't already? Haven't you been together since you were kids?" Tony asked.
"Yeah, but..."
And then Peter appeared.
"Oh, hey guys," Peter said.
"Hi Peter, we're were just saying that I'm with Bucky now," Steve said.
"Oh cool," Peter smiled. "Anyway, um, does anyone know Russian? I have some homework-"
Tony smirked, Bucky looked at Peter, then Nat put up her hand and Loki said that he knew it too.
Peter brought his piece of paper that was supposedly his homework over to Nat.
"Okay, so we have Желание, Ржавый, Печь. Weird, um, so that's longing, rusted, furnace," Nat explained. Bucky was staring, wide-eyed. "Рассвет, семнадцать, Добросердечный, daybreak, seventeen, benign. Девять, Возвращение на родину, Один, грузовой вагон. Nine, homecoming, one, freigh-"
"Я готов отвечить," Bucky interrupted.
Everyone was confused.
"R- ready to comply?" Nat translated.
Tony laughed awkwardly. "Um, yeah, I just wanted to test it..."
"What the fuck, Stark?" Steve yelled.
"Language, Captain! There are children here!"
"Yeah, a child and a fucking assassin!"
"You're the one who's dating him..."
"Yeah well I'm not tricking my son into activating him, am I?!"
"Okay, okay, well does anyone know how to turn him off?"
But Bucky was gone. And so was Peter.
I quickly hopped into the vents to track him down.
And then I found him playing with Peter in his room? Okay then? Well, at least he wasn't murdering anyone.
"JARVIS, please tell the others where they are. Also please mention they are safe, and not to come suits blasting," I said quietly.
"Mr Stark has been contained by Master Loki, and Captain Rogers is on his way up," JARVIS replied.
"Okay thanks, now that that's handled, sandwiches!"