Chapter 62
Regina straightened her skirt over her knees and primly folded her hands over her lap. A second later, she caught herself unconsciously tapping her shiny pump against the carpeted floor, and immediately forced herself to stop.
Dr. Hopper, or Jiminy Cricket technically, watched her small movements without a word as he took a few notes.
Regina sighed and looked down at her nails (was it time to repaint them already?); what was she even doing here? Talking about her feelings, sharing…those were not things she was comfortable with. Or rather, they were things Cora had taught her to be uncomfortable with after years of preaching about how emotions were for the weak.
You're doing this for Emma, Regina silently reminded herself. She had to prove, no, show to Storybrooke and more importantly, to herself, that she'd changed, that she no longer wanted to be the Evil Queen. And one of the first steps involved exorcising her demons.
Regina cleared her throat awkwardly. "So, where were we?"
True to his nature, Archie smiled patiently at her. "I'm here to help. Whatever you feel like sharing, this hour is yours. Or, we can simply sit here and enjoy each other's company."
Regina scoffed inwardly; she highly doubted that anyone would enjoy the Evil Queen's company. Likely he had to say that as part of his job. But she couldn't deny that it felt nice; how long had it been since she had anyone else to talk to?
"I'm feeling…conflicted," she began.
"And why do you feel that way?"
"You know why." Regina snapped before she could help herself.
Archie didn't say a word; instead, he continued staring neutrally at her, waiting for her to continue.
Slightly unnerved by his silence, Regina continued. "As you already know, Emma has gone to live with Snow White and Prince Charming. Or Mary Margaret and David. Whatever."
"I can imagine how that must be painful for you."
"It is." Regina said. "I was expecting that, of course. I knew it wouldn't be easy for myself or Emma when I sent her away. I raised Emma. I gave her her first home. I know what kind of juice she likes, when she is lying, and how she feels before she even knows it. We spent every day together, developed our own traditions, and now for me to come home to an empty house, to barely even speak to her…I knew it would be hard, but I didn't realize how it would really feel."
"And why did you send her away?"
"To protect her, of course. You know how this town sees me, how everyone sees me. How I see myself. Emma is not going to be safe with me, not as long as the Evil Queen remains at large. Who knows what kind of psychos will see her as an opportunity to get their revenge on me? Before the curse broke, I'm sure you heard that she was kidnapped by someone trying to get to me. I should've seen that coming before that happened, but because I let my guard down, thinking she was safe, Emma got hurt. I simply cannot allow that, not again."
"It sounds like you sent her away to give her her best chance." Archie mused as he scribbled something down on his notepad.
Regina nodded. The irony wasn't lost on her that she'd berated the two idiots for doing the same thing, only for her to turn around and repeat that very action. Except, of course, she hadn't dumped a newborn Emma into an unknown world….
"That's something a true mother would do. Put their child first." Archie commented.
"Am I, though?" Regina argued. "Emma's true mother? Or am I simply the woman who, as everyone sees, kidnapped Snow White and Prince Charming's princess and brainwashed her, turned her away from her true family?"
"Only you can answer that," Archie said. "But let's see. From what you've told me, you know Emma better than she knows herself, you would do anything to protect her, you clearly love her…those are the signs of a mother."
"Maybe." Regina responded. "But would a true mother wish unhappiness on her own daughter?"
Archie kept silent in an effort to get Regina too elaborate. Damn therapy techniques, because it worked.
"I spied on her. Nothing much, just to keep an eye on her. The first time was after she'd had an allergic reaction last week. I hadn't seen the call from the hospital until well after it happened. So I checked on her with my mirror, just to make sure she was fine."
"Emma was okay, then?"
"Oh, yes." Regina nodded bitterly. "But I'm not sure I was, not after what I saw. Her, sitting curled up between Mary Margaret and David, sharing a bowl of popcorn. What a cliche."
"How did that make you feel?"
"They just looked so perfect together. A perfect little happy family. It's not that I don't want Emma to be happy." Regina said. "She wasn't exactly pleased when I sent her away from the only home she knew. But I just didn't expect her to adapt so well."
"Maybe it was just the circumstance. Going to the hospital after what must've been a scary experience may have caused Emma to seek out comfort from whomever she could."
"And she had to do that because I wasn't there for her. I should've been there." Regina sighed. "But I'd missed her calls and the hospital's voicemails, and because of that Emma felt completely alone. I've failed her."
"Or, you allowed her to bond with her birth parents, which is not inherently a bad thing."
"No." Regina agreed. "It's what she deserves. I feel terrible for making this all about me, but it feels like punishment. Part of me wants her to be as miserable as I am, because if she is then it means that all of the bad I've done is…justified, somehow. That in the end, I did something good by casting the curse and adopting Emma. I always thought I was doing a good thing by adopting her, before I realized who she really was. The foster homes she was in, the scared little girl who arrived in Storybrooke. I took her away from all that. But what's going to happen when she realizes that I'm the one who took her away from everything she could've had? Everything that was hers?" Her fists curled as she spoke. "An entire life with her parents, potential siblings, her duty as a princess?"
"Has Emma told you any of this? Expressed any of these thoughts"
Regina shook her head. "She has not."
"Could that be because she loves you? Sees you as her mother? Emma has got to share some of your conflicted feelings."
"Yes, she could probably use a few dozen sessions with you as well." Regina quipped. "But it could just be a matter of time until she realizes what everyone else sees. That I happily deprived her of what was hers in order to fit my own agenda. And the worst part is," Regina continued. "I'm not sure I feel entirely guilty about how everything transpired. Emma changed my entire life. I always thought I knew what I wanted, but the moment I adopted my little girl, all of the expectations I had created for my life simply flew out the window. Revenge had never been my happy ending, or it hadn't been for long. Instead, she has.
"Getting to raise her, to shape her into the lovely young woman she's become, to have her turn my life upside down…I was the happiest I'd ever been. If I had to do the curse all over again, if that meant losing Daniel and my father again, I'd do it in a heartbeat, if meant having my daughter in my life. But how can I prove to Storybrooke that I've changed if I could so easily take away what was rightfully theirs, including what Emma should've had, in order to secure my own happy ending?"
"I'm not sure." Archie admitted. "Those are not easy questions to answer. Everyone thinks you took away what was theirs in order to make yourself happy. And yes, you did. But I'd like to argue that you may have cast the curse, but you weren't the sole cause of everything that happened. Every action has a ripple effect, including Snow's and yours.
Regina raised an eyebrow. "Funny coming from you. Aren't you on Snow White's side?"
Archie chuckled. "There are no sides anymore. We're all citizens of Storybrooke now. Nobody is royal, and no one is a peasant anymore. What's done is done. There is no going back. For better or for worse, we're all here living completely different lives than we had before. If you look at it one way, it hasn't been all bad. Storybrooke is not the hell everyone imagined it to be. We've all built lives we can be proud of. The only difference now is that that we have two lives and two identities to reconcile. Including you. Who do you want to be, moving forward?"
"Thank you for meeting me." Regina wrapped her hands around her slowly cooling mug of coffee as Mary Margaret and David shook off their coats and settled themselves into the booth.
To their credit, Mary Margaret and David did not appear angry, instead more curious. They placed their orders (a plate of fries to split and two cups of hot cocoa) and sat back, looking expectantly at her.
It was one of the first times Regina had been in public since the curse broke. She'd selected a booth tucked in the far back corner of the Granny's to ensure she'd stay hidden in the shadows, yet she still caught a few glares every now and then from passerbys. A few went as far as to openly gape as they noticed who she was sitting with.
"I won't take up too much of your time," Regina started. "I had a few things to say, and then I'll be on my way."
"If this is about Emma's trip to the hospital—" Mary Margaret started.
"No." Regina said. "The hospital gave me a call. It sounds like you handled the situation perfectly. Which reminds me," she reached into her purse and pulled out a zippered case, setting it on the table. "Here is Emma's Epi-Pen. I found it in her room earlier. She must've forgotten to pack it, so I wanted to make sure you had it."
David reached over and put a hand over the case. "Thank you." He opened his mouth as if wanting to say more, but Regina held up a hand.
"Let me just say this while I still have the courage to, and then I promise I'll give you a chance to respond." She took a slow, measured sip of coffee. Was she really about to do this?
"I wanted to apologize." She said simply. "For everything I've done to you both and by proxy to everyone else in my attempt to seek revenge." She directed her next words to Mary Margaret. "You were just a child. You didn't know what you were doing and what my mother was capable of, and it wasn't right of me to hold on to my anger for so long."
If Mary Margaret and David were surprised, their faces bore no indication.
"It was unfair of me to use everyone as pawns for revenge on the two of you. It was wrong of me to take away what was rightfully yours and everyone else's in order for me to get what I thought was my happy ending. Which brings me to my next point."
Archie's words had rattled around in her head after her therapy session. Everyone thinks you took away what was theirs in order to make yourself happy. And yes, you did.
Maybe Storybrooke was not as horrible as everyone had expected. Maybe there were a few silver linings (hello, indoor plumbing) to being transported to a completely different land and having dual identities. But that didn't change what Regina had done.
"If you would like to live with Emma permanently, and if Emma would prefer that, I'm not going to stand in your way. I'd like to stay in her life, of course. I'm excited to see her graduate and learn to cook and so much more. But I've taken away everyone's happy endings for long enough. It's time I gave them all back." Her throat tightened at the notion of saying goodbye to her daughter forever, but she pushed that aside for the moment. "Emma is your daughter just as much as she is mine. I think we have all agreed on that. I'm not going to pretend that I regret casting the curse, because I don't. It gave me the chance to raise my wonderful little girl. But it also took away your happy ending, and I'm ready to stop manipulating other people's lives for the sake of my own."
She had come to this conclusion as she'd left Archie's office. Maybe she couldn't make everyone stop seeing her as the Evil Queen, no matter how much she knew she'd changed. Maybe the only thing she could do was give back what she had taken away and allow everyone to heal and move on.
Including herself.
Mary Margaret's eyes filled with tears. "We appreciate your apology. But you say you want to give us back what you took…how we can we make up for all that lost time? The chance to raise our baby, to hear her first words, to see her first steps? To teach her to ride her first horse and wield her first sword? To read her to sleep at night and defeat any imaginary monsters?"
"I don't know." Regina answered honestly. "I really don't. But Emma is here now. 17 is not too late to teach her those things. And there are so many other things to look forward to. Teaching her to drive, her first boyfriend, graduating high school? Emma has so many more milestones to come. She may not be an infant any longer, but she needs her parents more than ever."
She took a final sip of coffee and placed a few dollars on the table to cover the bill. "I've said what I've come here to say. Again, I'd like to sincerely apologize for all the pain I've caused."
The words felt strange and foreign coming out of her mouth, leaving a strange taste. But the almost cleansing feeling left behind was not entirely unwelcome.
Sensing that Mary Margaret and David were likely too stunned to respond, Regina pulled on her coat and stood up. "Thank you for your time," she said before making a move to leave.
"Wait." David said before she could take a step away. "You said you wanted to give back everyone else's happy endings. How are you going to do that?"
Regina paused. That was a good question, one that would be hard to answer. Whether she could truly pull it off was currently unknown.
"I'm going to find a way back to the Enchanted Forest," she responded finally.
Author's note: Thanks to all who are still reading! Next chapter is nearly done and should be up shortly!