07/24/2021

so it's been a while...

Chapter song: Mistress - Inara George

Chapter Twenty Four - The trick is to never look into their eyes.

Tuesday, October 27th, 2015

CPOV

I call Elliot and miraculously he's not on a date tonight. I tell him that I'm in San Francisco and what transpired between Ana and myself– a fucking disaster of epic propotions that just doesn't seem to fucking end. He groans his disapproval and curses here and there but thankfully doesn't interrupt me otherwise as I recap the entirety of our time together.

"You need to help me with this. She likes you better." I reluctantly admit. This will inflate his ego to the size of Texas for sure.

"Everyone likes me better." Imagining his smug face right now is doing me no favors and only making my blood pressure rise. I pinch the bridge of my nose and exhale slowly.

"I should punch you." Hard.

"Alright, alright... from one manhoe to another, you might want to back off." WHAT?

"Excuse me?" I am not a manwhore. He blows out a breath, his frustration is evident. Welcome to my life.

"She's got more important and life altering things to deal with, Christian." He only calls me Christian when he's serious… which is rare, which means I'm about to get a lecture from Elliot Grey. This is weird on so many levels. My life feels like a circus and I'm the only one not laughing, at all.

"The hearing is this week and I'm sure your little display of complete idiocy is not doing her any favors— you should've told me you were planning to go out there. I would've told you to hold off. She's been nervous about this for weeks."

"I know I just… I thought I could make everything better and be here to support her."

"I'm sure throwing her attempted rape in her face again must have been real supportive." He intones.

"I get it." I snap. "I just… she makes me so god damn mad, Elliot."

Is that a normal response to have? Falling in love with a woman who makes you want to rip your hair out and fuck her all at the same time? The visual of her in that stunning blue dress flits through my mind and my entire body reacts but then as soon as I hear Elliot's voice again it deflates.

"You need a calm translator of sorts…"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah! Remember that Key and Peele Obama sketch I showed you? Where the guy playing Obama makes his statements but his anger translator says what he really means? You need me to do the opposite of that when talking to Ana." He chuckles. "I could be that, if you pay me enough."

"I don't need a calm translator." Where the fuck does he get this shit from? Suddenly, I regret calling him.

"Bro, if Mr. Benoit hasn't shot you yet, trust me, the third time will be the charm."

"Don't even get me started on him. He wanted me six feet apart from her at all times." I tell him about the whole measuring tape shit and the fucker laughs his ass off.

"Bro… you just had to go, kidnap, piss off and then fall in love with a girl like Ana." He laughs out loud and I smile for the first time since we started talking. He's an idiot but he means well, I know that for sure now. "I never thought you'd be the one to bring entertainment to my life."

"I'm not in love with her, I just—"

"Okay, you're not in love with her and I'm the Pope."

"You wouldn't last two minutes as the Pope. The sheer thought of celibacy would kill you."

Fucker wouldn't be able to spell the damn word even if his life depended on it.

Elliot laughs. "Look at you making a joke. You're not hopeless after all."

He makes a few more jokes at my expense before we hang up and I only feel slightly better. I probably should've told him I was going, maybe he could have joined me and this would have turned out differently.

I look at the notebook she left that I brought back up to my room. There's a folded piece of paper sticking out.

I'm not entirely sure if I'm in the right frame of mind to go through it. I'm still pissed off about her looking into BDSM and the shit she was going on about. She's a goddamn virgin, what they hell does she think she's doing? Meeting people from the lifestyle? She knows nothing. Anyone could seduce her and take advantage of her. Then again, she doesn't seem like the kind who can easily be swayed, especially not after everything she's been through. Maybe she just hates my guts. She's only 19, she needs to stay away from the depravity that this particular world can be made of.

It's all about consent. If two consenting adults agree to it then I don't understand what the big deal is?

What the hell did you know about life at 15, Grey? I shake the thought. Any reminder of Elena makes me want to go on a rampage.

Devotion. Selfish. Employment. Sad

All her words echo around in my brain and I find myself getting irritated again. She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about.

I run a hand through my hair. Fuck this. Picking up the notebook I toss it into my bag only to take it back out and just stare at it.

Open and read it, Grey. Man up!

I suddenly feel drained, emotionally and physically–it seems to be an emerging pattern as of late. Instead I opt to change my clothes and lay in bed hoping that maybe seeing and spending time with her today will help me sleep, just like it did when she was there with me that weekend.

I rub my eyes before opening them and realize I'm in the playroom. What the fuck? How did I get here? I never sleep in here. Shaking my head, I sit up and hear the faint sound of someone singing. Looking around the room, I see a woman kneeling in front of the panel of mirrors on the right wall towards the front of the room.

Will you take me as your mistress, long and dark hair
Will you cut it off when it is useless?
All of my hair
Hmmm,
Could you ever love a mistress?

please get up." I ask, looking down at her. She goes silent and puts the scissors down on the floor. Bowing her head she stands, turning her body to face mine. She's completely naked but for some reason I can't really see her body clearly, just her face. "Why are you here?"

"You brought me here, Sir."

Fuck this shit. I walk over towards the bed and rip off the crimson sheets to bring back and cover her.

"I didn't bring you here. Why the hell are you cutting your hair? Why are you sad?" Silence, all I get in return is silence. "Answer me, dammit."

"I did not please you. You have to punish me." She shivers slightly. "You hate me."

"I don't hate you, Ana. I could never hate you." Again, I'm met with silence. "Look at me, please." She raises her face to my level and she's crying and fuck it breaks my non-existent heart. "I'm not mad at you." I reach out to touch her face but she safewords and steps back.

I bristle at the rejection and try my best to control my rising anger but I fail. "THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?"

"So you can punish me." She answers, softly with her eyes still downcast. "You need to punish me out of your system. Then I can finally say goodbye."

"I don't want to say goodbye to you, I don't want to punish you."

"You have to. I will never be able to please you." She replies, her voice cracking. "Mistress said—"

"I don't give a fuck what she said." I snarl and she shivers again. "I don't want you to please me, for fuck's sake. I want you to…" I want you to love me and be with me. Teach me things I don't know. Just let me back into your life. "Just talk to me, Ana." Please.

"I'm not good for you, Sir. The only way to end this is to punish me. I deserve this."

"No, you don't."

She doesn't react and stands mute in front of me, eyes toward the floor, blinking. All around us is silence. I craved the control I'd find in this room, the dominance over every facet of what went on in here thrilled me and satiated me… for a while at least. But I am completely out of depth here. I'm supposedly bringing her to my safe places but I am never in control. She always leaves, she's always unhappy and I am always at a loss at the end.

"How can I punish you if I love you?" I murmur.

She looks up in horror. "No, no, no! You can't love me, it's not allowed."

Freaking out, she lets go of the sheet and picks up the scissor to slash her face and her body. I'm too slow to stop her and suddenly all I see is a pile of ash in front of me.

From behind me I hear Elena's voice, tutting in disapproval. I turn around and see her standing in a tight black leather corset with a whip in her hand. Her hair and makeup are pristine as always. This is the Elena from my teenage years, the woman I worshipped and lived for.

But why now?

"I told you Christian, love is for fools." She smirks. "See, she'd rather kill herself than let you touch her. That's what you're worth. She killed herself just like the crackwhore," she throws her head back and laughs. "Poor and rejected Christian."

"Shut up, Elena! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I charge at her but suddenly everything turns to black.

I wake up, gasping. Bringing my hands to my face, I notice that I'm sweating profusely and have a damn boner. Fuck this inconvenient shit! I haven't seen Elena in my dreams since my teenage years… and even then they were just glimpses of the shit we did together. I get out of the bed in search of water hoping I can calm myself.

It's over.

It barely even began and it's over.

Wednesday, October 26th 2015

APOV

I had trouble sleeping last night so the moment I see the first slivers of daylight I get out of bed and head down to the backyard to find Nana already walking back and forth with the tasbeeh in his hands. I wonder what he's praying for? He's had the same tasbeeh ever since I've known him, it's a smoke white rosary of sorts with 99 beads. Nani has one in sapphire blue. She told me she bought it when she was in her teens and it's still in pristine condition.

"Praying to win the lottery?" I ask, joining Nana who chuckles and places his hand on my head in greeting.

"That would be futile since I never bought the ticket. Isn't there a joke about something like that?" He laughs.

"Probably, anything can be made into a joke." I smile.

We walk together, barefoot on the grass that feels cool and wet but also quite calming. I'm used to the companionable silence, not like I had a choice when I was recovering since I couldn't really initiate conversation to begin with before I learned how to talk again.

"What happened last night?" Nana finally asks. He's a curious man too but he hides it well for the most part.

"You mean to tell me, Benny didn't already fill you in?"

"I'd rather hear from you, he talks too much sometimes." He says with mirth and I smile. Poor Benny either gets super chatty when he's pissed or grumbles incoherent sentences.

"It didn't go well." I begin. "He's a very angry man and I don't think I can talk or be friends with someone like that."

"Were you patient?"

I chuckle. Abdul Karim knows me well.

"I tried to be. I let him talk, didn't interrupt him and I don't know, I tried to be compassionate but I didn't do a good job, I think. I'm hurt too and I don't know why but I really tried to be nice... " I shrug, trying to find my next words. "Some of the stuff I said… it didn't translate well and he got really mad at me."

"What about?"

"I can't tell you." I look up to Nana apologetically, Nani knows but I made her promise not to give him too many gory details. I respect that she doesn't keep any secrets from him, it's the foundation of their relationship but I also trust her to only reveal enough to give an idea without alarming him too much. She knows how to keep that balance.

Benny knows of course but doesn't keep promises when it comes to safety issues, so if Nana did want to ask him, Benny would spill the beans faster than the speed of light. I'm sure he's given Nana his own assessment which after the whole Vishaal incident is a description of the situation with a heavy sprinkling of Defcon 1 vibes.

"All I can say is that he's not at peace and he doesn't seem to want to work to find it either, or maybe he does but is lost. I don't know."

"You can't help someone who isn't ready to receive it."

"But…" I exhale sharply because I feel so emotional about last night all of sudden. He doesn't deserve to live his entire life in turmoil. No one does.

"It's okay, Aana. Sometimes it's not the right person, sometimes it's not the right time and sometimes you realize it's both."

"Then why do I feel so strongly about all this?"

"Because whatever happened to the both of you was wrong. You're growing up, meeting new people and there's a lot you don't know. It's easy to get fixated on something and give all your energy to it but that doesn't mean it's absolutely necessary that you do. Part of growing up is knowing when to walk away and not look back."

I feel my heart break into tiny little pieces again but maybe he's right. This is just one of those unique and odd situations that I need to leave behind. We're even now. Our circumstances were extraordinary but that doesn't mean it has to continue in the form of us being in each other's lives.

"There are two kinds of people who come into our lives. Ones who stay for a long while because they have many lessons to teach us and ones who aren't here for long but teach us very important and sometimes unpleasant lessons about life, ourselves and then, they disappear. Our job is to learn and appreciate the knowledge we gain from it, even if it breaks our heart."

"Then what lesson were Vishaal and Kiran supposed to teach me?" My voice cracks and tears begin to fall from my eyes.

Nana stops and turns to look at me. "Many but most importantly that everyone has to earn their place in our lives, not take us for granted and vice versa — and to open our eyes and realize who is truly on our side."

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Now I know who's truly on my side but I also feel a loss, the kind where I'll never fully be able to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I'll always wonder about ulterior motives.

"I'm scared about tomorrow." I confess, after a few minutes of silence and walking. That's the true problem here, I've been on edge and now Christian's little visit has me even more so. I'm dangling off of it right now, looking down sizing up the fall and trying to come to terms with it.

"I know but I don't want you to be. Whatever the outcome, you're not alone and you'll always be protected. Your family will always stand behind you." He promises and wipes a tear from my cheek. "Those who have no one have God. Never forget that." I nod and he pulls me in for a hug and kisses the crown of my head, whispering an arabic prayer to bring me peace.

In my mind, I hear the ticking of the clock and the echo of my heartbeat like a countdown to tomorrow.

Tomorrow I face my attempted rapist in court and submit all my control to a system hoping they will make the right decision for me.

Till then, I patiently wait.

A/N: Some reviews in the last chapter had me in stitches, lol. Team CG never fails.