The one where Perry meets Canon... or atleast SOME of it.
All of the Harry Potter characters and the Hogwarts Universe are property of J.K. Rowling.
If you HAVEN'T you read Restless... Harry blows up the Dursley house and runs away. He lives on the streets. He's slightly insane, his first priority is survival, he loves solving puzzles and creating more for others. Also, Hedwig is a white phoenix. Other characters are canon.
Prologue
"Say Harry, why was Professor McGonagall glaring at you?" asked Ron in wonder, though completely unable to take his eyes off the lightning bolt scar.
"Old Minnie? Oh that's just a small misunderstanding, is all."
Flashback
Harry was reasonably sure that the Giant man was after him. He was smiling weirdly whenever he took a discrete glance at Harry, as if he actually knew him. As if he were in dome way related to his birth parents. Which was not at all reassuring considering that the only memory he had of his life before the Dursleys was that of a Redhead in a nightgown jumping before a bright flash of Green light...
...and Rebecca, that worldly genius, thought it may have something to do with a light in a bar. Something that sadly matched a bit with the story that the Dursleys threw at him.
"Just give us the order, boss and we'll bring out the cavalry," said private. private, not Private as he really thought that made his name scarier, was a hulking mass of a man who had served as a private bodygaurd to one of the billionaires that had been visiting Britain.
Two years ago, Harry in a fit of boredom, had decided to rob said billionaire. A month long perfectly executed plan and some help from Hedwig in surveillance later Harry's group found themselves 150 million pounds richer (in diamonds, of course, Hed liked those shiny things).
And private, who had gone on a mad search for the thief that cost him his job, immediately surrendered when he found that it was Perry Hatter himself.
"No need for that, private. The cavalry will kill this man before he knows what's happening. He looks like a fool anyway. Lemme go capture him for interrogation. And if he turns out to be a bouncer, kidnapper or something we'll just buy the establishment and shut down business." Harry didn't lack money. At all.
This guy, however, didn't look in awe of Harry. Instead he looked like he wanted to hug him as if he was a child.
"And Gwen, come on out, will you? You'll need to see this." A 17 year old stepped out of the shadows and huffed at Harry. Out of all the people Harry knew, Gwen was the only one marginally capable of leading the Heists when Harry retired. He was going to leave the group to her and pray to God she didn't get them captured.
"Try to keep up." The little anger Gwen held at being discovered vanished before his eyes, replaced by resolve.
Then Harry raised an eyebrow at the Giant man standing across the road and ran in the opposite direction. The Giant's eyes widened and he followed as fast as he could. He had much longer legs though and had Harry not been used to running, he'd have been caught.
'I've always liked a challenge.'
The Giant was making... giant thumping noises as he ran on the sidewalk. Pedestrians and vehicles were all running out of his way. He was intermittently calling out, "HARRY! HARRY!" out to him, all the while waving at him.
Harry was himself getting curious on he knew his realname and parents.
On reaching the correct building after covering a mile in minutes and after the Giant had caused some small riot in the streets, Harry began to climb the drainage pipe.
"Hey! Wait! I've got ya a letter." But Harry had already reached the first window sill and was about to leap to the second. "Harry!"
He leaped across and caught hold of the supports at the last moment, raised himself up and just as the Giant reached immediately below him. This was also where the ladder of the fire escape began. Harry began climbing that too.
"You ruddy boy! Yer a son of your father alright!" The Giant sounded quite happy when he said so.
'So I was correct. James Potter was a famous gangster. Wonder what his alias was...'
Harry smiled as the giant continued shouting down and he continued running up the stairs towards the 7th floor.
"Come down here right now! And take the ruddy letter ya prick!"
'Definitely a gangster.'
Harry entered through the window... right into the West London HQ of MI5.
A bored looking clerk was reading that day's newspaper. Harry brushed off the dust. The whole building and a few near it were all secretly government owned. They were also carefully manipulated to appear as worthless real estate.
There was a 24 hour surveillance of the whole block. The traffic was manipulated to neither completely ignore the place, nor overcrowd it. Every Agent was sworn to secrecy and not even their families knew about the place.
The building was dilapidated and most of the staff lived there. And nobody had ever found out about the existence of said branch of MI5. Nobody that is until a bored Harry Potter followed an agent who was himself ironically, following a Perry Hatter suspect (a regular teenage mathematical prodigy and gymnast; Harry was insulted) on his way back to the HQ.
That poor man didn't even know he was being followed when they fired him. Sadly, by the time MI5 found out, 'Perry Hatter' had already found out more than a few delicious state secrets.
An agreement was reached. Let's just say that Her Majesty's Government comprimised a lot. In exchange, Harry promised not to steal a lot from the government and also supply whatever intel he could gain.
Harry also solved 5 of MI5's thirteen 'Quantum anomalies', declared two to be a lack of information and smartly withheld the solution of the most complex one. (He would never accept that he couldn't solve the other five.)
MI5's director declared Harry a 'priceless asset' and detained him in an inescapable prison. Then he entered to talk to him with a tub of vanilla ice cream. He shut the door behind him.
Next day, gaurds found him unconscious, with a tub of molten ice cream and a note written in scrawny handwriting, "I'm more partial to chocolate."
The Government comprimised a lot... more. MI5 also found another 'Quantum anomaly.' Anyway, Harry was friendly with the clerk. "Looking sharp, Janice."
"The hell do you want, Potter? And Servy wants to know who the hell's creating such a ruckus down below."
Harry walked to a glass cabinet and took out an elephant tranquilizer gun. "That's what I wanna know too." Harry walked to the window and mounted the rifle on a stand to take aim.
Surprisingly, the giant was trying to ride a bike with a sidecar! Now Harry was never a good shot. But to be unable to hit a target this big on a mounted stand was a feat only Neville Longbottom can achieve.
The bike started with a bang just as Harry fired his shot. The Giant went down. And the bike? Well, for lack of a better word, the bike went up, Up, UP flew...... fortwo seconds before it crashed into the third floor.
"Say Janice. This building is not really weak structurally, is it?"
Janice just read from the computer. "Cont says through Servy that you're gonna pay the maintenance cost. He also says that you're a son of a bitch and that you're a #%*$%!"
[Were this M rated, the author would've filled in the blanks.]
"Wow, that's rich. Tell him same to you," said Harry. He was trying to solve the 'Mystery of the flying bike.'
And that was when Gwen arrived at the scene. "She's late."
Gwen was getting worried. Ever since Harry had read the letter and subsequently talked to the Giant, he'd closed himself off in his penthouse. She was sure she heard some crying going on within. He had only come out in the middle of the night to give a strange order. "Sniff! Ask all snipers to, sniff, shoot down all nearby owls, sniff! And get me some whiskey!"
Gwen only got chilled apple juice. The kid had just turned eleven.
Professor McGonagall,
I've got Hagrid. Come and get me. Hedwig will guide you.
Harry.
End of Flashback.
"Hagrid told me about brooms, you know. So, Minnie had to get her old bones out in the air for hours to reach us in what she thought was kidnapping. She came with a squadron of Aurors, of course."
"And?" asked Dean Thomas, who was listening in.
"And then I found Mr Potter in the middle of a party with unsavory types. In fact, some of the women were wearing quite inappropriate dressing choices. Go to sleep, Gryffindors. I already know that this year is gone for good unless Mr Potter is expelled." McGonagall left in a huff.
Oh yes. Harry and Ron had been talking in the middle of explanation of school rules by McGonagall. They were boring anyway.
Harry completed the story. "So, anyway, I successfully got Professor McGonagall drunk when I told her that the only thing I remember was a flash of Green Light, which actually not a bar dance but Lily Potter, my mum jumping to save me from old Voldie."
The common room gasped as a whole.
Harry continued undisturbed, "So that's why I was crying. Anyway, Minnie, while drunk, got me a barrel of strong butterbeer. Chilled and Preserved. Now, I'm apparently too young for it. So, FREE BEER!"
Harry pumped one fist into the air.
And Harry took out the beer from his expanded school bag bought in Diagon Alley. And that's how Gryffindors found their true hero. The party would go on for three hours.
"Return from the dormitories whence you came from, Potter and Ronald. YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS!"
Then the bushy haired girl banged her wand on the door. Harry was sure he saw some disappointment in her eyes when she couldn't bang it on the floor instead.
If Gryffindor was the house of the Brave, then this girl was fit to be its mascot. You see, about 60 Gryffindors, of all ages and genders were gathered around Harry and they all were ready to go to the forbidden corridor. At any cost. That very moment.
There was no way in hell they were going to let a teeny-tiny bushy little rule-obeying firstie stop them.
In fact, Percy the Prefect had already been made an example of. The redhead had been made to drink to drink three mugs of Free Beer(!) at wandpoint and being the lightweight he was, he'd fallen unconscious in the middle of the Common Room.
"Step aside miss! You can't stop us. We're INVINCIBLE! We're REBELS! WE ARE Gryffindors! And we've got POTTER!" yelled a confident, if drunk 5th year.
"AYE! HEAR, HEAR!" shouted the Gryffs.
"POTTER! POTTER! POTTER! POT—" But Harry suddenly raised his hand.
"Stop my fellow rebels. You're fighting against a girl after your own heart. Hermione Granger has shown herself to be a true Gryffindor. And she will be treated as one."
The Gryffs were drunk teenagers under extreme teenage peer pressure. They were willing to do anything. And Harry had just given them a 10 minute long speech which basically translated to:
"WE'RE REBELS! AND TODAY, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, WE'RE GONNA FUCKING REBEL!"
The idea had sold out faster than a supermarket fire sale.
Now no Gryff was in a mood to hurt a fellow housemate, let alone someone as pure and innocent as Hermione Granger. But this movement was led by Harry freaking Potter. And that kid had not learnt the meaning of loss. So he decided to state the obvious.
"This girl has shown us the meaning of bravery. Hermione Granger is our mascot. She's our leader. All hail GRANGER!"
"GRANGER! GRANGER! GRANGER!"
"And transfigure some sticks, people! RAISE THE HOUSE BANNERS! WE'RE GOING TO WAR!"
And in a wave of passion, the house raised Hermione Granger on its shoulders, the older years transfiguring sticks for all and the house marched out to the 3rd Floor Corridor, flying the house flag.
And Hermione, who'd never been the epicenter of a rebel movement (or even had a real friend), cried tears of joy and frustration and joined in the war cry.
"GRANGER! GRANGER!" Bang! Bang!
"GRANGER! GRANGER!" Bang! Bang!
Albus Dumbledore was sleeping, dreaming of a lemon drop fest when the dream changed to eating Granula Bars in the middle of the Russian Revolution.
Poor Dumbledore had never been able to understand the inticracies of his own brain. He slept on.
Quirrel however, unlike Albus, had set an alarm ward around the perimeter of the 3rd floor corridor, in case someone else got there before him.
An alarm ward that gave of a single loud noise for every person present. And almost a complete house was going there.
If there existed a person capable of sleeping through that, then that person was Helen Keller (or any other deaf person you know of). It was not Quintus Quirrel. And certainly not Lord Voldemort, who'd actually had performed hearing enhancement charms applied on him, to hear everything through the turban.
"Sssshhhh... Are you ready?" asked Potter.
Most of the house nodded as once. Now that they were in the dark corridor, most of the enthusiasm, excitement and camaraderie had turned to fear and the readiness to bolt at the first sign of danger.
"Awo... Aso... No no... Alohomora!" intoned the drunk 6th year Prefect. The door clicked open on the 4th try.
("Lack of proper will and intent translates to poor performance," said Professor Flitwick (and anyone recommending a change in sexual preferences, for that matter.))
It opened to reveal a Rabid three headed Cerberus. And almost as one, half the kids of Gryffindor let out shrieks of fear. They had found themselves facing insurmountable odds.
They were fools because the Cerberus was more scared of the howls and wails and the imminent death it was facing. It let out a whimper and ran towards the back of the room.
Thankfully for both parties, the Gryffs were led by Harry freaking Potter. Who took out his elephant tranquilizer gun and shot three darts, one at each of the heads.
And while stunners don't work, music may not work every time, tranquilizers never fail, ever.
The Gryffs let out a scream of delight and cries of "POTTER! POTTER!" resumed. Harry raised his hand.
"We've crossed the first obstacle, Comrades! From here on, only the bravest will proceed! I will, however, need a sacrifice too. Hear me now, Gryffs. When Rome was falling, Horatio stood in the middle of the Tiber and led the collapse of a bridge, stopping an incoming force. Tell me people... who's gonna STAY AND BECOME THE HERO?"
This was a rather complex way for asking for a lookout. You see, Harry didn't want the poor sod left behind to feel sad.
Unfortunately, Harry had, without Gwen to stop him, drank a glass of butterbeer too. And every first-timer is a lightweight.
Thus, he had forgotten that if you give a bunch of kids a coward's way out of fighting, that actually seems like a brave way out, they'll take it faster than you can say "I've made a huge mistake."
"I expected better, you know."
"Potter... I just came because if you go alone with Ronald, he will get you killed. And then I may be held accountable as you declared me the mascot," said Hermione Granger. She was lying. She'd come because she had just discovered a teeny-tiny crush on Harry Potter, when he'd declared her the mascot and didn't want to see him die so young. Poor, innocent Hermione.
"I came because I am Harry's best mate," said Ronald Weasley. The statement was false. Sadly, the reason was correct. The poor boy truly believed that.
"I came because I believe in Harry Potter and because someone must carry the House banner on the less brave quest," said Neville Longbottom. That kid was more misguided than Ronald Weasley. He was also holding a Gryffindor flag high in the air. Finally, he'd been standing in a corner as far away from Fluffy the Cerberus as possible and so had been invisible to the others.
"Oooooo..." said Ron and Hermione together. You know that creepy feeling you get when you're not alone? That explained it.
They were, infact, still in the Cerberus room. The 60 others had left to gaurd the door. "Fine, you'll all have to do."
Harry opened the trapdoor with one hand while the other pulled out a...
"Is that a HAND GRENADE?" asked Hermione Granger. She half shrieked.
"Yup!" Like Harry had earlier said, MI5 had to make a lot more concessions. This was practically a government sanctioned mission. He threw it down after pulling the plug and closed the trapdoor.
"Neville, come sit on it." It was meant as a joke. But Neville, being Neville still sat on it. And when the explosion took place, there was a cracking sound where Neville was sitting.
"Did you break a bone, Nev?" asked Harry, all the while thinking on how he didn't see that coming. "N-no."
Harry saw that the Gryffindor stick was still intact. Which meant...
"I-i think I just broke my father's wand, Harry."
("And that, kids, is why you never keep your weapons in your back pockets. Now go and find Holsters at your nearest Ollivander's (TM) with a 50% discount on the troll skin ones," says Garrick Ollivander (as does the Metropolitan Police Chief of London, without the Ollivander sales pitch, of course.))
"Hmm... what I just did was 'Secret Potter Family Magic,' Neville. And sometimes, bravery comes from the smallest of sacrifices. I think that magic himself wanted you to break your father's wand."
This statement was completely false.
Neville sighed and looked down at his feet. "I'm not a fool you know... Everyone knows that its magic herself." But this is Neville Longbottom we're talking about.
'Wow. Just... wow.'
"He's correct. I knew that," said Ron Weasley as if to prove he wasn't far ahead. Harry nodded and when he opened the trapdoor, he tied a rope, which he was, of course, carrying, to a knob and the four first years climbed in one by one.
When they had reached the vine room, they had been four. Only three entered the Room of Keys. Neville had stammered and raged and immediately declared that 'the Secret Potter Family Magic was a bad bad thing and that he must stay to take care of poor Devil's Snare.' (Though that moment of bravery took him three tries, not that anyone was judging.)
Harry wished both plant and boy a nice long break from their grief at accidentally loosing their... wooden/leafy parts and they proceeded.
There were flying keys in the room of Keys. And two broomsticks.
"We need to ride the broomsticks to get the keys," theorized Hermione. Ron nodded excitedly.
"Yes! Let me and Harry do it! You can wait here, Hermione."
Ron was ready to immediately prove his worth to Harry. And show him who his real best friend was.
"Yes. Umm... you do that," said Hermione. Now, Harry was not too interested in riding a charmed stick of wood highin the air without adult supervision.
So he simply sighed and called out, "Hedwig!"
Nothing happened. Harry nodded, took a FOUR POSTER BED out of his bag and lay down on it to wait. He took out a comb and began trying to straighten his unruly hair... unsuccessfully.
Ron, meanwhile took this to mean that the responsibility to be the hero now fell on him. He grabbed a broomstick and began searching for the key.
Hermione, with her newly found crush on Harry sat down beside him. "S-say Potter, is this a house bed?"
"Oh yes. I think its my own. You see, they give us just one bed to sleep on. Now I personally love to see the stars while I sleep. So I took mine when the Gryffindors were partying," Harry said that in a very dreamy voice as he lay down on the bed. (Sadly for the Gryffindors he took two spares too.)
"See, imagine that Ron, there is the moon. And the keys are the stars. And now look at how they shine in the darkness of the room."
Hermione had thought she'd met her intellectual counterpart in Harry. And now, hearing on the sincerity and wonder in his voice, that teeny-tiny crush she had?
It just became a tiny crush.
Hedwig took seven minutes to come. Had there been a Legilimens in the room though, they wouldn't have noticed the passage of time. Why?
Ronald Weasley was continuously thinking of how he was going to get the key and become the best friend of Harry Potter. Sadly, he was so engrossed in daydreaming of his wondrous future that he forgot about the key itself.
A third of Harry Potter's brain, also the only part visible to a Legilimens, was continuously thinking of the stars. The other third, his deductive genius was thinking about squirrels wearing turbans. The last part was thinking of doing some wildly inappropriate things to the girl he had a crush on ASAP. It was rightly named the Dark part.
Hermione Granger, lying beside Harry was thinking of the implications that she had a crush on Harry. Since she was an Eleven year old, with no knowledge of how these things worked, she was sadly coming up empty... continuously.
That was when Hedwig arrived, smacked all three of them one-by-one on their heads before grabbing the correct key in a second and inserting it in a key hole in the next, which she then turned clockwise...
...And Nothing happened. She trilled and said a few words in Phoenix speech that completely brought Harry out of his stupor.
"The hell, Hedwig. What's wrong with you? You never taught me that combination of words. So bloody unfair!"
Harry forget about the peaceful star-key analogy, Ron forgot his hopes to become the best friend of Harry Potter and Hermione Granger felt most of her crush vanish away.
'A hopeless case,' all three thought, though it meant different things to each.
("Peace of mind is but a fleeting emotion, ready to flee at the slightest sign of change," says Albus Dumbledore (as did Buddha for that matter and Albus is smart enough to know exactly when to steal a Muggle quote.))
Hedwig had not stopped trilling expletives as she turned the key anti-clockwise and the door opened.
She then glared at Harry and trilled once before she flew away, though not before smacking him on the way out.
Quirrel was not destined for an easy day, however. There was a reason Hedwig took so much time. You see, this was Quirrel's first day. Now had he been, say a hot French teacher with a sexy accent, everyone would remember him at a moment's glance.
Had he taught an interesting subject, say NOT Muggle Studies, two years ago, everyone would still remember him.
Had he remembered to wear his turban, everyone would definitely identify him. After hearing sixty three alarms, though, Quirrel was walking without a turban, in a lime green nightgown, with his face somewhere between that of a kicked puppy and that of deranged psychopath.
Of course, none of the 60 odd mostly-drunk gaurdians of the 3rd floor corridor identified him.
Now had Quirrel had two faces, say one at the back of his head, the Gryffindors 'REBELS!' would've fled. Sadly for him, Voldemort was taking some time to rest after a torturous interruption in his sleep schedule. He was not to be disturbed at any cost.
"Strand alride, studrents, I-I arm yourr Profressorrr," said Quirrel in what he thought was an authoritative voice. It came out drunk.
The fifth year Gryffindor who'd shown himself a true follower of Harry earlier, saw Quirrel's spindly arms, broken voice, bald head and wavering Hand. 'Dude, he's wasted.'
He, like every Gryffindor with him, knew that the moment of truth had come. Were they brave enough to face the challenge?
He felt like this moment was what his life had been leading up to. "Friends, Enemies and my other insignificant housemates! The invading force has arrived!"
He pointed at Quirrel. "And we are the ONLY sixty soldiers left to defend the forbidden corridor! We must hold the Bald Granny back until Harry Potter, that true Gryffindor brings in reinforcements! We must not lose! FOR GRYFFINDOR! FOR VORATIO of CHROME!"
"FOR VORATIO!" yelled the sixty. "FOR CHROME!" yelled the 59. One of them had fainted. Katie Bell had always been a lightweight.
Horatio, who single handedly collapsed a bridge to the stop enemy invasion of Rome turned in his grave.
It was shameful. It was pathetic. It was drunk Gryffindors.
Anyway, what followed was a complete massacre.
Now, Quirrel was disoriented, out of costume and under a condition not to kill any of the students. That would call the aurors. And no one, not Dumbledore, not Harry, not Voldemort wants Aurors at Hogwarts.
There was a risk of rules and guidelines being followed. I mean... who wants that? So we should cut him some slack, shouldn't we?
And then it took him just 18 minutes to stun the 60 Gryffindors. It was shameful. It was pathetic. It slightly delayed Hedwig. But, it did save Harry's life and that of the three on the 'lesser' quest. It was, thus, the Power he knew not.
Now, on the way out, Harry could've left the key in the lock. That would've been a benevolent choice. He could've left it in the room. That would be a discreet choice or a normal one. It really depends on the way you look at it. Lastly, Harry could've locked the door behind him and taken the key with him. That was cheating.
What do you think he did? Choose the correct option and wait for the shocking answer...
Meanwhile, Ron stared at the chess set as if life had thrown him a... well, a lifeline. Ronald Weasley was good at two things: Talking about Quidditch and Playing Chess.
He liked to think that there existed no magical as good as him in these arts. (He was, of course, wrong. He had yet to meet either Ludovic Bagman or Nicholas Flamel. It was unfair to compare them as they were both lifetime fans of their respective sports.)
To him, this was the perfect opportunity to become the best friend of Harry Potter.
"ROAR!" came a noise from the next door. Bang! Bang! Ok. Ron may just have to retire hurt after the chess game. But surely, by then he'll have proven himself better than Granger.
"We've got to play our way across the board, Harry."
Harry, meanwhile, smiled on hearing the ROAR. "I've got a plan." Both boys saw this as a golden opportunity. Sadly, neither paid attention to the other.
See, Ron had decided to follow the rules for once and quickly went to take the place of a knight (Most boys fancy themselves knights). He also took the knight's sword and the metal helmet he was offered. Then, like those non-refundable offers, the knight crumbled to dust.
Harry, meanwhile, took out the best shooting camera produced to date (of course he had one). He set it up at one corner of the room. He pressed play. Then he remembered that there was no electricity.
He then took out a lead storage battery (of course he had one) and connected the terminals.
Now, if Hermione Granger had even taken a small moment to analyse the situation, she would've seen the disaster about to happen. Sadly, she was judging the size of the crush she had on Harry Potter and the status of the relationship between them.
And just as Ron played his move (Pawn to E5) Harry made his too and threw a grenade at the far doors, pressed play just as the extremely angry mountain troll entered the room.
Poor Ron tried to move, he really did. Sadly, his robes were stuck. Something which Harry noticed a second later.
"Awww Man. You just had to spoil my movie." And Harry had been so confident too, of winning an Academy award for the Best Short Picture (Animation).
While Harry was filming Monsters v/s Chess Sets (We're waiting for a better name), Quirrel was fighting a monster of its own. You see, taking down 60 Gryffindors had not been an easy exercise for him.
The pigeon-hole theorem basically states that if you have enough guns and enough shooters and they all shoot at once in the same direction, the pigeon will get holed. (Ok, it doesn't state exactly that.)
Anyway, the pigeon..., I mean Squirrel..., I mean Quirrel had gotten the holes, alright. Lots of them. And they were bleeding. In fact, he looked so bad that Fluffy, now awake, thought that Hagrid had accidentally sent him his food half alive. Bony, bald, bleeding in a nightgown food is still food.
What followed was a massacre.
Of course Quirrel still couldn't kill Fluffy. As stated earlier, nobody wants Aurors.
[Now, had this been a M Rated Fanfic, the author would described in excruciating detail how Quirrel lost his left hand. Sadly, the author is lazy, he has exams not far off and is just willing to give you this:
"I'll kill you, you Sonovabitch!"
This statement, being factually correct is not, in fact, an expletive. Nor is this:
"You whelp! You Mongrel! You Mutt!" ]
In fact, Fluffy was confused on whether these were insults or endearments and so decided to lick Quirrel's wounds. That further inflamed them. Fortunately for the three on the quest, it also saved the life of Ronald Weasley.
Ronald, meanwhile, had to make a choice. Already, the Troll was swinging his club here and there and the 16 white pieces were giving half as good as they got.
The Troll would easily survive and reach Ron. Now Ron could ask his troops to rally and attack and take down the Troll.
If he did that and he'd accidentally make Harry's film legendary and win Harry an Academy award. Sadly, he was Ronald Weasley. He chose the other option.
Now what do you do when your clothes are stuck to a chess knight that's going to be plowed to death by a troll? And you are a cowardly Eleven year old? Choose the correct option and wait for the shocking answer...
Quirrel had finally defeated the Cerberus and had jumped into the Vine chamber.
That raises the question... what the hell was Neville Longbottom doing? Neville had, after the shocking loss of his wand found solace in the burnt arms of the Devil's Snare. It was love at first touch. (For the Devil's Snare, of course. Even if Neville Longbottom is Neville Longbottom, he is and will remain a human. Atleast, we hope so.)
So when Squirrel, I mean Quirrel, jumped into the room, the Devil's Snare thought it had competition. It became agitated.
Though Quirrel had somehow cauterized his hand, he was limping, he had lots of holes and now he had found a perfect way to take out his anger.
Plants. The only creature whose death did not result in Aurors in Hogwarts. (No one can stress enough how much we like their absence.)
What Quirrel wanted to follow this was a massacre. But then he noticed Neville Longbottom. "Oh you've gotta be kidding me, you Son of a bitch!"
The one thing you should know about Neville is that he doesn't take insults to his mother well. She had gone insane for him. So he did the only thing he could at this stage. He went berserk.
He directed all the power of the vines at poor Quirrel like a music coordinator.
And the lovestruck vines obeyed his every will. What followed would've been a massacre had Quirrel not rushed to the Room of Keys, shutting the door behind him.
And now the answer you've been eagerly waiting for:
Harry Potter had taken the key. He was a born cheater. He had also taken away the brooms. He had absolutely no shame.
And now the answers you've also been eagerly waiting for:
Ron decided he valued life over valour and chose the real option.
He sacrificed his dignity for a chance to live just a second before Harry, being Harry freaking Potter ran towards the Troll, shouting "HORATIO" and shot down the troll with a shotgun in the eye, just as the troll destroyed the second last Chess piece.
(We cannot stress enough that the MI5 made a lot of concessions. They literally gave a 10 year old a gun licence and a shotgun. The state secrets were delicious.)
And Hermione Granger, seeing this heroism decided that the crush was back in full force.
And Ron, now clad only in his undergarments, which though comfortable, were not overly manly, fainted from the pressure he suddenly felt at being half naked in front of his idol.
("You should always value comfort over appearance, Ronnie," says Molly Weasley. Of course, she also says that Gideroy Lockhart is the hero of the generation (Which is a completely different story...))
Poor Harry. Had it not been for this misguided advice and had Ron:
either had the gender (and its beauty (and its assets (and the age))) to justify his undergarments,
or he not been a human but instead been a cute puppy,
this movie would surely have won critical acclaim in the Adult Humor and Kids Horror category respectively.
But Ron was neither.
While Ron was spoiling Harry's movie, Harry's cheating had spoiled Squirrel... I mean Quirrel's mood.
Quirrel couldn't go back. That plant would kill him. He couldn't go forward. No key was working.
"Yawwwwn! Use Fiendfire, you idiot!" And now at the only obstacle that required no fighting, had Lord Voldemort woken up.
Now he couldn't stay here too. Or Voldemort would talk him to death while going on and on about how he'd get his revenge on Potter.
In reality, Voldemort had been dreaming of using Fiendfire on Harry Potter. And like Albus Dumbledore, he too had never been able to understand the inticracies of his own brain. He slept on.
And Quirrel spoke a single word. "Fiendfire." Now the casting of Fiendfire required one to not care about their own mortality or magic.
You have to be a powerful and sucidal Wizard.
And 60 Drunk Gryffindors, one Hungry Cerberus, one Angry Neville Longbottom and one Dishonest Harry Potter had all accidentally come together to bring Hell to Hogwarts.
Or atleast to the 3rd Room on the Right side of Third floor Corridor.
Quirrel's death was shameful. It was pathetic. It was well deserved.
Meanwhile, Voldemort, on feeling the heat increase, had accidentally left his follower and gone on to the fourth room.
While Voldemort was accidentally destroying his body, Harry was accidentally saving the world from the resurrection of Voldemort by deciding to spare the world the sight of a half naked Ronald Weasley in (surprise!) a woman's knickers...
... and vest (Don't Ask. Just... Don't). [The author is bored so he can tell that they weren't made entirely for comfort. The author doesn't claim to know what Mrs Weasley was thinking.]
Hermione Granger, meanwhile, was feeling the Force of the crush: Full on.
Anyway, they proceeded to the next room, and then the one after that.
There Harry read the long winded complex riddle and one second later, unwittingly, the words to come out of his mouth were the same ones Hedwig had used.
Sadly, they weren't a series of Trills, something which forced Hermione's crush back to the teeny-tiny level.
[The author is willing to give up this: "Oh Snape, you batty Hook nosed..." The next word said, if spoken in front of the Professor would incite enough anger to produce a killing curse. In a second. On Lily Potter's child. Even if he had been Snape's bastard.
Hedwig sould get points for creativity.]
She huffed and solved the riddle, not a second after Harry drank from the Nettle wine bottle. "That's the wrong one, Harry."
"I know. It's just why can't that (a repetition of that word) gimme some vodka! Wine is boring! I wanted to do a shot!"
That's when Hermione understood that Harry had NOT been irritated by the riddle itself, but instead solved it in the one second after he read it.
He'd been dissatisfied by the results instead.
And Harry Potter became irresistible to Hermione Granger. Just as her own self-esteem went somewhere deep underneath the surface to dig its grave.
"I'm not as good as you, you know," said Hermione.
And then Harry, as if he'd read her mind, said did very very surprising. He hugged her. Then he said, "Me? I just care to enjoy my life. I'm Clever, yes. And maybe I'm fun. But there are more important things in life. Like standing up for what you feel is right. That's the only true Gryffindor, Hermione. And in some way, I envy you for it. And don't you forget it. Friends?"
"Friends." And Hermione Granger felt like she was the luckiest girl in the world. The crush vanished. She decided it didn't matter in the long run.
And then she did something she really shouldn't have done... Maybe? You see, she drank the liquid from the smallest bottle and then she...
...shared it with Harry the only way she could think of.
And neither of them cared as they went through the flames.
[For those of you who think they kissed, the author says that would happen if the Fic were M rated.
In reality, Hermione Granger used only half the liquid per person, the repercussions of which are severe. (or we may even say Severus; Sorry, cancel that.) ]
"Snape, you (a repetition of that word)!" These were not, infact, Harry's words. These were Hermione's.
To summarise, the fire burnt through their clothing. It wasn't selective either.
Thankfully, neither Harry nor Hermione were burnt. Unfortunately, one of them took a peek, while the other looked away.
Who was it? The shameless Harry Potter, who had may/may not have a crush on Hermione. Or the innocent Hermione Granger, who also may/may not have a crush on Harry now.
Choose the correct option and wait for the shocking answer...
Anyway, not a moment after Harry took out two togas (of course he had them), the spirit of Voldemort appeared through the fire.
"Harry Potter..." said the creepy bastard.
"Tom, may I call you Tom, Tom?" Now this was generally a fishing-for-names technique, but it actually worked a bit too well this time.
"HOW DARE YOU, Potter?!"
Voldy charged at Harry, just as he himself took out a rather special appliance. Voldy didn't identify it. Then Harry took out another storage battery and connected the terminals to the appliance.
The Vacuum cleaner sucked Voldy's soul. Which then went into storage in a glass container. Which was devoid of any matter magically.
Like we've said time and time again, a lot of concessions.
Now with the crisis resolved, Harry looked around the room.
Behind them, Harry saw a Red Ruby was kept on a wooden table. He had accidentally ignored it in the aftermath of Snape's fire.
Harry explained to Hermione, "See, if its a Real Ruby, it won't break when I hit it with a hammer." (Harry knew all about Gems, of course.)
Harry took a hammer. He hit the ruby. It broke and crumbled to dust, which then turned black. "Nope. It's fake. Now why would Albus put a fake Ruby here?"
Only God knows that.
If you HAVE read Restless:
'Ocean's Wolf', The Cruise Ship
20th May, 1991
"And that kids is how Harry Potter saved the day."
There are eight kids listening to the tale as Harry writes it down. He is, of course, the author. The other Seven ran away. Sadly, one of the remaining ones is Jon.
"And where the hell am I, Potter?" he asks heatedly.
"Jon, mate, Harry Potter just made an entire House rebel with a speech. Now if you were there, you'd make a speech on how Harry Potter is manipulating them and stop the story from occurring."
Jon scoffed, "You don't know that."
"Believe me Jon, I do. And so do they." The other seven kids nodded. Sadly, one of them is Alexa.
"And what happens between you and... Hermione?"
"I'm coming to that..."
The Epilogue 1: The Cup
"And that's how Gryffindor house saved the day," concluded Harry Potter in an end-of-the-term speech. The Gryffindor house was currently in the fourth place. Dumbledore had asked Harry to boost morale. It hadn't exactly worked out.
Was it partiality to Gryffindors? No, Gryffindors had (minus) 218 points and really needed a morale boost.
You see, when Gryffindor reached the Absolute Zero, somewhere near January, Harry gave another speech on how the rebellion started now that they had nothing to lose. Someone squealed because McGonagall introduced Black Rubies the next day. Sadly for her House Cup hopes, Harry didn't stop the Chaos.
"You don't exactly present the house in a good light, Harry," supplied Cedric Diggory. Most of the Great Hall nodded.
"It is also almost surely an M rated fictious story." screeched Draco Malfoy from Slytherin. He was whiny brat.
"It is not a fictious story, Draco. We have really captured Lord Voldemort. Did you not see the new speaker's podium this year. See this fog right here?"
The podium Dumbledore and earlier Harry had spoken on did contain a black foggy mass revolving around in it in a glass container at the very top. It also shaped itself like thunder and blood-red eyes at random intervals. Finally, it had been there exactly since September 2nd.
About nine months ago. And it had not gone down for a single second. Poor Hogwartians thought it was a special effect by Albus.
Now Dumbledore let them wonder about all the sins they had committed in Great Hall. Some kids do have an exhibitionist streak. "You got that right! Old Tommy was here all along! Isn't that right Tommy?"
300 odd Hogwarts students watched in horror as the cylinder assumed the shape of thunder.
"That's to indicate he wants to kill me," explained Harry to his immediate neighbours.
All students other than Ron and Hermione inched away from Harry.
Half an hour of calming potions, medical attention and meditation exercises later
Harry noticed that Albus's neck looked freshly wringled. Beside him, Professor McGonagall had a satisfied smile on her face.
"Cough Cough. Forgive me for the sore throat. It must be the winds of winter."
It was June. Besides, all kinds of Winds of Winter were far far away.
"Anyway, I believe I have to award a House Cup now." Most people were more interested in making sure that the glass podium was well covered with the cloth. It was.
"Now the points stand thus: In fourth place, Gryffindor with (minus) 218 points; in third, Hufflepuff 362 points; Ravenclaw has 426 and Slytherin 472."
A storm of cheering and stamping broke out from the Slytherin table. Harry could see Draco Malfoy banging his goblet on the table. That kid had issues.
"Yes, yes, well done, Slytherin," said Dumbledore. "However, the recently revealed events must be taken into account."
It was a declared Hogwarts secret. No one was supposed to know. So, of course, everyone did. (Goyle's mother knew. And Gregory Goyle seldom spoke. She was also a portrait. In an abandoned house.)
The room went very still. The Slytherins' smiles faded a little. "Ahem," said Dumbledore. "I have a few last-minute points to dish out. Let me see..."
"To each of the drunk defenders of Hogwarts, I award 10 points." And in one sentence, Gryffindor gained 590 points to reach 372 points. A few people stared sullenly at Katie Bell, the 'lightweight,' who'd failed to deliver.
"Now 10 points to Hermione Granger! She got 50 for the quest but lost 20 when she didn't kiss Harry. She also lost another 20 for a very poor use of old Gandalf." (382)
"Damn you Hermione!" said Harry, in jest of course.
"To Ronald Weasley, I award 30 points. That kid knew when to leave dignity for life. That got him 50 points. However, he loses 20 points for the wrong position. He should, of course, be the Queen, instead of the Knight, given his choice of undergarments." (412)
The Great Hall laughed at Ron. He laughed with them. That's why he was Harry's best mate.
"Youn' Neville gets 30 points. Kid got 40 for whatever he did to ensnare the Devil's Snare!" Contrary to popular hopes, that relationship had failed. Neville said he and Ivy were still friends. No comments on whatever pods she bore yesterday, 9 months later. "He loses 10 as he broke his Dad's wand by sitting on it." (442)
There were lots of claps for Neville. Since he got the new wand, everyone mostly liked him.
"Finally, to Harry James Potter, I award 60 points for flushing Ol' Tommy down here, saying those nice words to Ms Granger and of course, for inciting the Great Gryffindor Rebellion and deduct 20 for having a party without me." (482)
(This accusation was completely baseless. You see, Harry had sent Hedwig to deliver an invitation. Unfortunately, she met Fawkes there. They they... let's just say there's a reason why Hedwig wanted to complete her part quickly.)
[The author would go on to try and kill Fawkes but that's another story.]
The kids were going mad at the Gryffindor victory. Sadly, Albus didn't stop there. "I deduct 11 more points as we all know it was you who peeked, Harry." (471)
The boys of the three houses except Slytherin BOOED at Dumbledore. It was Rule #48 of The Bro Code (written by Harry, of course): "Bros never reveal The Peeper."
In retrospect, the origin of the rule was obvious.
"Wait! HOW?" Harry was more surprised at the revelation itself.
"It's your freaking story Harry. You'd be dumb not to see it." Harry lightly shook his head and saluted to the crowd before he sat down. They cheered back.
"Now, to the revolutionary 5th Year Gryffindor, I give 1 more point."
Oliver Wood pumped his fist into the air. The Gryffindors were going mad. They were now equal in points to the Slytherins.
The Hall was mad with suspense. Then Dumbledore nodded once in Harry's general direction and sat down. Harry ran to the Stage. A certain Professor's eyes widened.
"Hello. So, exactly 9 months ago, when I saw the a certain professor was frowning at me, I hatched an incredibly complex scheme. I mean, I'm Harry fucking Potter. I regularly do these things. So I wanted Gryffindors to win because of that Professor.
"When I had personally lost 500 points for Gryffindor to him, Old... let's call him Snake and I had a small secret drinking contest. At the end of which, I indirectly lose or win our house exactly one point.
"Professor? Do we win or lose, Professor?"
A pin drop silence in the hall. Severus Snape gets up from his seat. This is better than anything Dumbledore could've done.
"(Minus) one point... There's no shame in being a lightweight, Potter... (Minus) one point from Katie Bell."
A Single Red Ruby fell into the Gryffindor hourglass. And as Three-fourths of Hogwarts went mad and Harry brought out FREE BEER(!), Albus realised that this feeling was much better than all the Gold the stone could create.
As was the FREE BEER!
The Epilogue 2: The Hat
"And that's how I defeated Voldy and won Gryffindor the House cup, on the first and last days of the year."
"Hmph... And Dumbledore specially charmed me to put you in Gryffindor."
"The Power he knows not... What do you think it was?"
"That only a Gryffindor with a Slytherin's cunning can truly turn the Gryffindors brave."
"I thought it was the Free Beer." Harry strongly believed that.
"Oh yes! That too. You bought the Firewhiskey?"
"Yup."
"I suppose they all still think the fog is Ol' Tommy?"
"Of course."
In fact Ol' Tom had been exorcised on September First itself. Soul Spirits can't exist in vacuum.
"Now enough of that. Where are you with your girlfriend now, Potter?"
"Second base."
"Headfirst like Pete Rose?"
"You bet. I had a crush on her since Day One."
The Epilogue 3: The Sacrifice
"They think I'm the hero, Mum. Fools the lot of them. If I hadn't been sad due to your sacrifice, Minnie would never have bought the FREE BEER, Gryffindors would never have rebelled. And I would be dead and Voldemort back. Thanks for being there for me, Mum."
He continued planting the Lilies near her grave. Lily Potter deserved nothing less.
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The Epilogue 4: The Peeper
Hermione Granger peeped.
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The Epilogue 5: The Other Crush
In the Room of Keys, Harry Potter's Dark side thought of Daphne Greengrass alone.
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The Epilogue 6: The Message
A message that Nicholas Flamel used to leave everyday for 600 years whenever he left the house, written in a small neat handwriting beside the Grocery list...
Perry,
The stone is Fragile. Handle with Care...
Nicky.
Bwa... ha... ha... ha...
A/N: Hope you liked it.
Harry deduced who the peeper was. The Bro Code was misdirection.
Harry's a lightweight. Snape's a lighterweight.
Harry and Hermione do maintain their friendship. She is his best friend. Ron is his best mate. It was a schoolgirl crush which may/maynot become something.
The door to the Room of Keys didn't open until Harry opened it.
Point out Grammatical/Plot errors. Favorite, Follow, Review.
The Red Ruby is Snape's single point to Gryffindor.
R.I.P. Nicky and Perry. This Story is dedicated to their next great adventure.
Meanwhile, in the second year...
The Great Hall is empty in the middle of the night except for one slick blonde haired boy.
"I'll bring you back, my Lord," Draco Malfoy promised the Fog as he wrote the same in an old blank diary.
He grinned evilly when the Diary answers back.
Of course you will.
Of course you will...