A/N: My own take on an idea by a friend; I consistently went for the "or something" option, so don't blame him for how it turned out. I am hoping this can be M rated rather than MA, though I might be skirting it, sorry :p Brit-picking and other criticism is welcome.
Idea: Romance drama. Basically, after Harry defeats Voldemort he wants to get back together with Ginny. But Molly for whatever reason doesn't want Harry to get back together with her. Either because now she thinks that Harry is a killer, or Shacklebolt wants Harry dead to make "double sure" that Voldemort won't resurrect and now Harry is a fugitive and doesn't want her daughter to be one also or something. But she plays on Harry's loyalty to the Weasley family or plays on Harry's lack of self worth asking Harry if this is the life he wants to give Ginny or something. But she makes Harry swear a vow to never approach Ginny. Of course, Ginny has no idea of any of this and then Harry leaves to never be seen again or well... something.
Update 2020-07-23: Review feedback correction
.oOo.
A summer Friday the year after the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry was eagerly awaiting the train on platform nine and three quarters. It had been hard not seeing Ginny since Christmas. He had been hard. But finally, Ginny's intense NEWT year was at an end, and maybe they could proceed beyond the heavy kissing... half a year apart would surely see Ginny's hormones at work too.
His musings were cut short by a stout figure walking solemnly up to him. Molly's visage still broadcasted her bereavement. A not inconsiderable amount of Harry's blood relocated, both from who he was looking at, how she looked, and the feelings of loss she brought forth.
"Harry," she whispered and his sense of doom jumped by a magnitude. "I want you to stop seeing Ginny."
His heart clenched. Behind them, an impeccably dressed man stiffened slightly, but he appeared to still be looking for the train. Harry barely heard himself ask why.
Molly looked at him sadly. "I love you like a son, Harry, you know that. But... I guess I shall just have to be blunt. You are a wimp, Harry." She looked at him with the first fire he had seen in her eyes since the Battle. "I pierced Bellatrix through her heart, while you stood frozen, hidden beneath your cloak. And then- I admit to being impressed with you standing up to Him. But when it was time to duel, what did you do? You cast a disarming spell. A simple expelliarmus, Harry!"
Molly was apparently overcome with disbelief, and had to gather herself. "The killing curse cannot be shielded, except physically. And Merlin knows He should have learned to try another spell against you by then. You could not seriously have been expecting His own spell to kill him. Even had you disarmed him and dodged his curse, what if he had another wand?"
Harry was struck mute. He had, in fact, not considered that. Luck had been on his side, again. Unseen, the well dressed man hid his own thoughts behind a blank face.
Molly wasn't done. "Then there was the attempt on your life in March. You stunned him and he's in jail, but you did not scare the next death eater from attempting. Our side adores you. But frankly, the enemy does not fear you." The unknown man nodded.
"What if Ginny gets caught up in another attack? What if your disarming charms and stunners aren't enough next time? I don't want to lose another child. I can't. Please, Harry, for my peace of mind. For her own sake. Don't see Ginny again. Vow to me that you won't!" At this, the man's blank face showed surprise for an instant.
Harry was distraught. Molly was right. He didn't have what it took. Fortune had favoured him too many times already. He never took aggressive initiative. Just like the first war, there had been no great cleansing of Voldemort's followers from society. Gin would be in constant danger of attack. His heart broke as he made up his resolve. He hailed Arthur, who had been standing well back, looking at the ground.
"Please act as our Bonder, Arthur." Harry clasped Molly's right hand in his. The Weasley patriarch had tears in his eyes, but drew his wand and held it to their hands. This time, there was no mistaking the look of shock on the man behind them, had anyone been paying attention to him.
"Will you, Harry, break up with Ginny?"
"I will," croaked Harry as he felt himself start to shake. A flame wound itself from Arthur's wand and wrapped around their hands.
"And will you thereafter avoid contacting her in any way?"
"I will," he answered again, as he fell to his knees. Another flame strengthened the first and Harry felt them tightening around his hand.
"And, to allow her happiness, will you leave and let her seek love elsewhere?"
"I will," he answered a final time. If not for a third flame joining the others into a thick fiery rope holding their hands together, Harry would have fallen down. Then the rope faded and he only just caught himself before his head hit the ground.
Unnoticed, the now recomposed man behind them discreetly tucked his wand back in before he faded into other parts of the crowd.
.oOo.
An eternity that lasted five minutes passed. Then the arrival of the Hogwarts Express brought Harry out of his paralysis and he stumbled upright. Molly and Arthur were still there, as grief stricken as ever.
Soon, an excited Ginny was bounding towards them. As she got closer and saw Harry's miserable expression she slowed and hesitated. "H-Harry? What's wrong?"
Harry couldn't meet her eyes and met her baps. That was the wrong thing to do. They were excellent baps and he remember them pressing against him while snogging last time. Some of his blood started relocating again. Suddenly his chest was constricting and he couldn't breathe. The oath! He fell to his knees.
Then Ginny was there, hugging him. And her breasts were squashed against his chest. This was the opposite of improving his condition! Ginny hugged harder and what little air he still had was squeezed out.
Suddenly, they were forced apart. Harry swallowed a huge amount of air and his head cleared. Ginny, however, was glaring furiously at the man in elegantly tailored deep green robe that was just lowering his wand. "How dare-!"
"Ginny!" interrupted Harry. "I have to break up with you. I'm sorry."
Ginny's head snapped back to Harry. "What!" she screeched. "Why? If this is some noble thing again, I swear you shall sneeze bat bogeys for a year. No, three years."
"I swear Ginny, I wish there was another way. I can't risk you being killed too. I just can't. I love you."
"That just makes it worse, you tosser! Volatilis Lutum!" Ginny turned and walked briskly away.
Harry turned to his saviour, who was now definitely sporting a slight smirk. Behind him, a girl maybe about Ginny's age giggled. "Thanks," Harry muttered and turned away in shame. Not only did he feel like a complete git for breaking up with Ginny, again, but now something was definitely crawling out his nose. He apparated home, his distress causing him to splinch his eyebrows.
.oOo.
The following Monday evening, Harry's door snakes announced an unknown guest outside his home in Hogsmeade. The ministry had gifted him the place as compensation for expropriating his parents' house in Godric's Hollow, and for his recent war efforts. It was leaps and bounds better for actually living in than number twelve, but with the downside of people knowing where to find him. The door snakes had been very helpful in that regard.
Harry debated whether to get up from the couch where he had spent the last days. He decided to wait five minutes.
~Is the guest still there?~
~Yes, speaker. The human is watching our brothers outside.~
Harry sighed and sat up. As always, he drew his wand. Having to be presentable for the first time since the brea- since the Express returned, he also needed the wand to freshen up. A flick later and his eye were less red from feeling sorry for himself. ~Open.~
The door opened outwards, forcing the girl outside to take a graceful step back to avoid smacking into the snakes she had been looking at. Harry was pretty sure she had been in his class, but he couldn't even remember her first name. He was pretty sure the last was Greengrass.
He definitely couldn't remember her being this sexy, though. Getting out of the school uniform absolutely suited her. Or maybe it was his unfulfilled anticipation of getting frisky with Ginny. No, it was without question the tight black dress, presenting two perfectly sized jubblies in her open emerald green robe. Her hair hang loose, showing off golden curls that might have been mesmerizing had his eyes not been occupied elsewhere.
Greengrass stepped inside and closed the door. Shrugging off her robes, she turned around to hang them next to the door, letting Harry view her pert bum now only just hidden beneath the dress.
Harry noticed the green robe laying on the floor. She must have fumbled the hanging. Then his eyes nearly popped out of his head. Greengrass was clearly underdressed for picking things up from the floor, giving Harry an eyeful of that most coveted part that no female had shown him before.
"G-Greengrass, what are you doing? ... here?"
She turned around and started smirking, but then she exclaimed in disgust, "What is that?".
Harry followed her pointing arm to the bucket by the couch. Buggering bloody bucket! "Err..." The bucket was crawling with slimy green things the size of cockroaches. Harry had been flicking the bogey bats in the bucket rather than vanishing them one at a time. They weren't coming as often anymore, but they hadn't stopped. "Evanesco!"
Luck wasn't on his side though, and he felt another crawling out his nose. He quickly pointed his wand to his nose and vanished it while turning back to Greengrass.
"You are still cursed? It has been three full days." Greengrass was chuckling. "Fa-Father said little Weasley wanted to curse you for three years, but I never thought..." She trailed off into a laughing fit.
Harry's cheeks turned red. Unknown to him, his own magic was powering the curse, because he felt he deserved it. Even fully powered, his counter-spell had only slowed the rate of bogeys.
"Finite," the girl shot at him. On reflex, he jumped out of the spell's path. "Stand still, Potter. Finite Incantatem!" This time Harry let the spell hit. Nothing seemed to happen, including no bats coming forth. "There," said the blonde.
Harry felt his tender nose. Nothing seemed to have changed, but he crossed his fingers that the bats were gone. He thanked Greengrass and repeated his question of why she was there, with less hesitation this time.
"I came seeking a favour. You owe us one, you know. By all appearances my father saved you from being killed by your own unbreakable oath. Speaking of which, that is the dumbest thing I have heard of. Who would swear such a thing? Astoria only saw the aftermath, but it is clear you lack common sense when it comes to the better sex."
Harry blanked out for a couple of seconds when those luscious lips said sex, and then grabbed onto the other thing that was confusing him. "Astoria?"
"My sister. You should pay more attention. Nobody in your position should be unaware of any of the sacred twenty-eight. At least you know my name, right?"
"Err..."
Daphne resisted the urge to smack her head — or better yet, Potter's head — and inhaled deeply instead. This did things to her chest that were not good for Harry's focus. "Never mind, I'm only here for a favour. But you will get something out of it too."
"Ok, what, why?" Real eloquent there, Potter.
"It is the Slytherin way. Nobody likes to feel they got the worse part of the deal, so I have arranged it so we both get something we need. As for what you get, I will improve your skills with the best looking sex." There was that word again. "You will shag me."
...
Harry tried to think of a response.
...
The blonde beat him to it. "Like that. Huge room for improvement, Potter. I promise that thinking in a situation like this will be much easier after you have actually had sex."
Harry responded on autopilot. "How do you know I haven't-"
"Please. Everything about your reactions scream that you are a virgin." She retrieved a compass from her robe. Its needle was pointing straight at Harry. "Also, I got this from WWW. It points to the nearest magical virgin, the user excluded. I am a virgin too, but witches are more sensible about it.
"The Greengrasses have a family magic ritual that will increase a virgin's magical power half way to that of his or her first lover. That is what I get out of it. It is clear that you are a powerhouse, even if your skill and choice of spells leave much to be desired. It is also clear that you desire me, so we can both get what we want, this once."
As she was speaking, she had walked slowly towards him. Now, her nipples — their silhouette visible through the silk dress — were half an inch from his chest. His naked chest. He hadn't put anything on after discarding the clothes that were ruined by the initial burst of bat bogeys. How could he have forgotten before opening the door?
Suddenly, Greengrass closed the last distance and took his hands in hers. Feeling her stiff nipples press against him drove the question from his mind. She put his hands firmly on her behind, and any thought became difficult. His feelings felt too large for his head to contain. They seemed about to burst out.
No! Buggering hell! Another bat bogey burst out and launched itself onto Greengrass' face.
Lightning quick, he lifted his wand to vanish it, but it caught on her arm — still trying to hold him on her arse — and clattered to the floor. Embarrassed, he squatted down to retrieve it before the bat could do more damage. This was a mistake, as his nose hitched up her dress and was now touching her nether regions. Her naked nether regions. Harry froze again.
Then he shook out of it. Now completely turned on, and blushing like- well, like a virgin, Harry stood up again to face a much more turned off and grossed out girl. "Evanesco."
The bat disappeared, but the awkwardness remained. They were still standing tantalizingly close, and the silk clad girl seemed to struggle with an internal monologue. While gathering her resolve, she stepped closer again to let her nipples touch him.
"Some silly curse from a girl won't limit my power. Just keep your wand ready and vanish them before they crawl out. But you'll owe me an extra favour for this, Potter." Harry nodded, and smacked into her forehead.
"Ouch! Of all the... calm down, Daphne," she mumbled to herself. So that was her name! "It is just like being stepped on a couple of times by an inexperienced dancer." Then she looked at his wet nose, and continued in a louder voice, "Actually, you can pay that favour now. I have always wondered what Aussie kissing feels like."
Harry stared at her blankly. "Aussie kissing. That slag Parkinson used go on and on about having Draco order Crabbe or Goyle performing it on her. If they can do it, it cannot be hard." That wasn't much of an explanation, so Harry continued his blank stare. "Just lick me."
Now more confused than ever, Harry slowly leaned forward and licked her lips. Daphne recoiled.
...
"Down there, you dolt." She started dragging Harry by his hands to the couch, then fell backwards onto it. She lifted her legs at an angle, giving Harry a more amazing view than he had imagined. "I want to come. Get to work, stud."
.oOo.
Half an hour later, Daphne gave a final shudder and pulled Harry up beside her. Harry's initial blushing was a far off memory. His neck was stiff and his tongue was hurting. He felt great, though. The satisfaction of bringing a woman undone — several times — settled firmly within him.
"You are a fast learner, Potter. I will give you that." Indeed, he now had the vanishing charm down wordlessly to a pat. Not that Harry even noticed, having been busy learning far more extracurricular activities.
She reached over and grabbed the outside of his trousers. "Ready for the ritual, it feels like." She sat up and pulled her dress off. Apparently, Harry wasn't fully accustomed to this whole thing yet. Seeing a total buff in the buff almost had him embarrass himself there and then.
Her perfect bosom inspired poetic aspirations within him, before baser desires almost immediately overrode his burgeoning thoughts. "Now touch my breasts-" Harry immediately stood and complied. "-and activate the runes. You'll need-" Some symbols Harry hadn't noticed before started glowing. "-to use your wand, dolt."
Daphne noticed the runes giving off light through Harry's hands. "Oh. Wandless, Potter? Colour me impressed." Harry continued feeling the famed feminine features and his hands kept pouring out magic. "Oh!" The runic light brightened. Not even considering having Harry move his hands before the ritual was done, Daphne brought out her own wand and vanished his trousers and pants.
Harry felt another of the accursed bat bogeys starting to crawl out. Reluctant to let go of the beautiful baps, he vanished it wandlessly. Or at least he tried. Evidently, the wings vanished. And the rest fell down in Daphne's belly button.
Looking up at Daphne's face, it seemed she found the situation as absurd as he did. She tried unsuccessfully to hide a smile. Harry smiled back. With his eyebrows still missing, his hands inexpertly fondling her breasts, John Thomas giving her his full attention, and bats occasionally falling out his nose like so many lemmings, Daphne couldn't take it anymore. Magic magnified randiness aside, she started laughing. Harry laughed with her.
Then Ginny walked in on them.
.oOo.
Harry felt his chest constricting again. The vow! He had promised to leave so that Ginny could move on. Leaving the platform wasn't enough. He had to leave the country. He fell to his knees, planting his head in the familiar spot between Daphne's dainty legs.
This was not to Ginny's liking, and soon a flood of bats were exiting his nose. Desperately, he staggered upright and focused on somewhere far away. He feared a more serious splinching, but there really was no choice. With a loud CRACK, he appeared at the foot of the Statue of Liberty.
This destination was unfortunate, for a number of reasons. First, it being evening in the UK meant that it was daylight in New York. Second, it being summer meant there were plenty people outside. And finally, this being a famous monument meant that the people there were tourists. Tourists busy taking pictures and videos.
Him still being naked, covered in crawling miniature green bats that kept coming out of his nose did not help. As a point of personal shame, neither did his raging boner. At least that last one started going away.
For once, Harry was struck with indecision in the face of a sudden situation. Three things fought for priority. He was naked. He was violating the ISS to an unbelievable degree. And his wand was still at the couch after grabbing Daphne's dapper dugs. Blast it, now he had four things. John Thomas still reacted to that memory in a healthy — but poorly timed — way.
Before he could decide on a course of action, several CRACKS resounded. "Aurors! Put down your wand! This is an apparition restricted nomaj area."
The woman that had spoken had a lithe body and golden curly hair. Harry's brain unhelpfully supplied Daphne's naked skin in place of her robe and not so little John remained at attention. The man with her guffawed. The rest of their crew were stuck staring at him. The woman snapped them out of it. "Obliviators! You have the work cut out for you, get to it!"
.oOo.
Several hours later and a significant fine extracted from his Gringotts account poorer, Harry was leaving MACUSA's New York holding facility amongst smiles hidden behind fists and not so silent snickering. He decided to lay low in the muggle world for a while.
He had enacted this plan for two weeks when a red envelope was dropped off by an owl that promptly hightailed out of there. Harry ripped open the howler and immediately regretted not getting some ear plugs first.
"HARRY POTTER! HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF LOCKING CHARMS? THE WEASLEY BINT DID NOT EVEN CLOSE THE DOOR! I HIGHLY RESENT BEING OGLED BY HALF OF HOGSMEADE, DRAWN IN BY WEASLEY'S SCREECHING! NOR ARE BAT BOGEYS CRAWLING UP YOUR VAGINA ANY FUN. THERE IS STILL ONE IN ME, RUMMAGING AROUND MY PUSSY, AND I AM NOT GOING TO ST MUNGO'S FOR HELP. PLEASE KEEP SOME BOGEYS AROUND, BECAUSE WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT I WILL SPELL THEM UP YOUR ARSE. AND YOU STILL OWE ME THAT RITUAL!"
Harry slumped down and rested his head in his hands. As if to mock him, another bat started crawling out. Vanishing them wandlessly was routine by now, but he hesitated. Curiosity got the better of him. It really wasn't fair on Daphne, being invaded by these things because he had an angry ex-girlfriend.
He hesitated. No, better to get some experience now, in case Daphne carried out her threat. He rather thought she would. He stripped off his lower body an wiggled the bat bogey in place with his finger. The bat had other plans and started crawling away. He would have to push it in, and that required some lubrication. He spat on two of his fingers and readied himself. Huh, that felt rather nice, actually. John Thomas concurred. But no time for distractions! He wiggled the bat in place again, and pushed it in. That felt weird. But kind of good weird. His other hand starting wanking without conscious thought.
Speaking of lubrication. His muggle door must have been well lubricated. "Ahem." His gaze froze upon an embarrassed Neville, standing next to a fascinated Luna.
"Hi Harry. It's nice of you to check thoroughly for a nargle infestation before our visit. Don't worry, though, they mostly thrive in hairy places so you should have lost them all when you splinched all your body hair away before the Torch Goddess. Why did you only grow back the hair on top of your head? Do you think Daphne will like your penis now that it not a hairy penis?"
Harry had actually done nothing. His unruly mop had come back the next day, just like when he was a kid. But all the other hair stayed away after his second Splinch Incident that fateful weekend. He was still considering whether to retroactively add the hairlessness as a fifth issue to be deliberated when he had arrived at the newly branded Torch Goddess.
Desperate to focus Luna's attention away from his undercarriage, he stood and pulled his trousers up and asked, "How did you guys even find me here?"
"That's easy, Mr Greengrass placed a tracking charm on you to help his eldest locate you for her purposes. And you are near enough your last known location that it worked. We owe the Greengrasses a favour now, though."
"My... last known location? Wait! How did you know about the splinched hair?"
"That's easy, you left all your hair at home." Luna seemed lost in thought. "Oh, and then there is the muggle picture in Witch Weekly. You didn't think they would print it without informing the readers where it was taken, did you?"
Neville silently handed him a magazine where the front page showed him in all his bogey covered glory. Ostensibly, the wizarding world did not care about nudity, or even decency, because his stiff was right there in clear view for everybody to see.
"The good news is that Ginny is less angry with you now that you've shown the world how much even her bogeys excite you. The bad news is that you lost your hair only after a bad Nargle infestation made you act silly. Neville and I were not far away when you broke up with Ginny. There was something about Mrs Weasley's face. We're here for the full story."
Harry told them all about his oath and how he was a wimp.
"And so, it is best for everyone if I just stay here in the muggle — err, nomaj — world. It was nice seeing you guys, you're lucky to have each other."
Luna looked at him sadly, and gave him a hug good bye. Neville hesitated, but then shook Harry's hand, cast a cleaning spell on himself — and on Luna for good measure — and then they left.
.oOo.
Two years later, Harry had advanced to assistant cook at a local restaurant. He probably didn't need the money. He still rented the same place using Gringotts funds. But he definitely needed the work, or he would go even more crazy.
Mornings were spent sleeping and then perfecting more wandless casting. He was not about to have any contact with home, merely to retrieve his wand. The bat bogeys were still crawling out every so often, so he had been routinely performing magic at an unprecedented frequency.
Evenings were spent working at the restaurant, only coming home late at night after cleaning up. He hadn't tried wandless cleaning again after his first attempt broke ten plates, the dishwasher, and all the lightbulbs. Fortunately, only the plates could be blamed on him, and he blamed that on being startled when all the bulbs exploded at once.
When he got home this Sunday — well, it was Monday now — he wandlessly opened the door and summoned it closed after entering his one room apartment. As usual the last year, neither wandless charm gave him trouble. What was not usual was the redhead sitting on his bed. And she meant trouble.
The girl suddenly sprang to her feet and launched Harry's night table clock at him. Shocked at somebody being in his apartment, Harry might still have reacted in time. That somebody being Ginny made the shock last longer. But what really hit him was her total lack of clothes. Then his clock clocked him, right on his now regrown left eyebrow.
"I hate you, now shag me, you bloody wimp!" Ginny punctuated her statement by throwing herself onto his bed.
Dazed by the blow and dazzled by the young woman demanding to get stuffed, Harry flogged over to his bed. "Wha- Ginny?"
Suddenly his chest constricted and he couldn't breathe. The thrice damned vow! Harry decided to not initiate conversation or physical contact, and he could breathe again.
"Oh," exclaimed Ginny. "I guess it's the vow, huh? Luna told me everything. I'm still furious with you for that, by the way. But I still love you, you prat. And I'm still a virgin. Nobody else seems interesting. And I really, really want to shag now.
"You broke up with me, that's the oath's first condition satisfied. You emigrated and left me to my own devices, that's the third condition fulfilled. Those were both one time requirements. So now we'll just have to figure out how to deal with you not contacting me in any way..."
Ginny got up again and gave Harry a very nice frontal view from his position in the floor. He did not get much time to admire it.
"Lie on the bed," commanded Ginny. As Harry lay down, Ginny noticed his face properly. There was a bat crawling around it. The first one to escape Harry's wandless proficiency in two years. Ginny burst out in hysterical laughter.
This made her naked breasts dance up and down, giving Harry an opportunity to forget his pain. "Like what you see, huh? We'll shag and get married and then I'll forgive you. But I'm not shagging you with those bats. I guess two out of three years is enough." She pointed her wand at him. "Finite!"
This time, Harry felt something change within him. He felt lighter, like an internal pressure had disappeared.
"Volatilis Lutum!" The door had slammed open. For the love of Merlin. His nose burst open with bat bogeys again. Harry internally despaired. "Let us see you trying to shag the bogey-man, bitch!" Daphne looked as angry as the howler had sounded.
"You absolute slag!" Ginny quickly gained a fury of her own. "Harry's mine! I love him and he'll make me his wife, we're destined!"
"Whatever, skank. He owes me a ritual. A ritual that he never showed up for. I held on to hope that I would not have to lower myself to ask again. I am still wroth — with you both — in case you wondered. When you left earlier today, I heard — as payment of a favour — of your slutty plans. I am not going to be a home wrecker, but Harry is not engaged yet so all is fair. Just let him fuck me, and then you can get together. Well, at least you can try." She smirked. "I understand Harry has made that difficult."
Having had few opportunities to exercise wandless counter-spells, Harry was just rapidly vanishing bat bogeys as they crawled out. But they had a head start on him and he really only knew how to rid of one at a time.
With ten bats still to go, Daphne noticed his efforts. She fired off a switching spell. Ten bats crawling up his intestines was a whole different experience than one bat, and not at all pleasant. That had nothing on what she switched them with, which was infinitely worse. He vanished it off his face and applied the sanitary spells he had achieved wandlessly. By the looks of Ginny, her determination to shag tonight had taken a serious hit.
Ginny's willingness to take on the older girl turned up several notches from her last action. Turning her wand on Daphne, it soon became clear that Ginny had experience from the Battle of Hogwarts, while Daphne just wasn't much of a duellist.
Seconds later, Daphne was stunned, bound, and wandless. Ginny got a fire back in her eyes and dragged Harry to the bathroom, mumbling that at least that worked. Not pausing for a discussion, Ginny vanished Harry's clothes, pushed him into the shower and got in with him.
Harry was all good with this sequence of events, except he still had ten bats buggering him. Deciding they had to go, he stuck a finger up his arse and started vanishing.
Ginny observed him and said, "Luna told me. I don't mind if you like that Harry. But I don't, so make sure you don't miss my proper entrance."
Harry thought this might be the wrong time for explanations of what happened two years ago. Ginny would probably not like said explanations either. So he just continued vanishing in silence. There was one he didn't get to, but by then Ginny had turned on the shower and started washing him, so he cleaned his hands and tried to reciprocate.
Right before his hands touched her, he fell down in agony. Deciding to avoid touching her, he could breathe again.
Ginny helped him up and firmly placed his hands on her breasts. They both exhaled in relief when it worked. Then he moved his hands and Ginny inhaled in anticipation.
She still had to figure out how this worked though. "Grab my arse."
Harry reluctantly lifted his hands and tried to hold her behind. Naturally, he fell to his knees first. Ginny pulled him up again and resumed his holding of her baps. "Move your hands to my bum without lifting them off me."
That worked, but the redhead wasn't exactly thrilled at the requirements. "I'm going to bloody kill mum!" Ginny flashed like a light bulb quickly turned on and off and felt something settle on her. "Uh-oh. I didn't mean to really mean it. Shite."
Harry was aghast, but Ginny soldiered on. "At least I didn't set a time frame. I should be okay as long as nothing else kills her first. Now, let's move onto your bed, I want to wake the slag and make her watch."
That sounded like a bad idea to Harry, but he knew better than to argue with Ginny in her current mood.
A few minutes later, Harry was coming hard inside Ginny, though the hateful stare levelled at them by the bound witch on the floor was arguably harder. Ginny looked close too, so he kept going. But the last bat had apparently taken his orgasm as its cue to finally leave. It jumped down on the bed and started crawling towards another arse, now wet with several kinds of fluids.
Just before she reached the point of no return for her climax, Ginny felt her arse penetrated by a slimy crawling thing. Daphne had wisely kept quiet to avoid being silenced and now burst into vengeful laughter.
Harry pulled out in shock at Ginny's indignant scream, losing contact with her. Looking for the recently escaped bat, he realized what must have happened and stuck a finger in Ginny's ring piece to vanish it. This was a mistake of epic proportions, as he immediately seized up, falling on top of Ginny, stuck in such agony that he could not cease his contact with her.
Ginny's irritation at the second unwelcome penetration saved him, as she kicked him off of her on instinct. He gained a bruise on the back of his head too, as he fell backwards on the floor. Then his ego was bruised as Daphne told them this last part would make a nice wizarding photo in Witch Weekly, as soon she found a pensieve.
Ginny fumbled for her wand. "Obliviate!"
It was too slow. "Exit!" A portkey brought Daphne away, and Ginny's spell hit the wall harmlessly.
.oOo.
Being engaged to Harry Potter was not at all how little Ginevra had imagined it. For one, there was her mother's incessant complaints, challenging her own struggle to avoid the oath bound murder. For another, it was the constant exposure to reprints of Harry fingering her arse and her kicking him off. It had started out as annoying and embarrassing, but now it was just. Not. To. Be. Borne.
She could have dealt with all that. Harry loved her, he desired her, and that would have been enough. Except he could never express that desire, never act on that love. It was always her that had to take the initiative Her. Her. Her.
She had to kiss him. She had to place his hands on her. She had to guide his naughty bits. But worse, she had to come home last. Harry always had to be home before her. If he left for shopping, she would have to leave too, before he could enter their home. If he was working late, she had to wait outside or somewhere else. He couldn't just floo home and ask her to step out for a bit. He couldn't even send an owl, much less a patronus. She really was going to kill her mother.
Not that it would free Harry from his oath. She had now endured for a year, but she didn't know if she could take it anymore. Tonight they were double dating with Ron and Hermione. Hopefully the genius would have a suggestion.
.oOo.
They were well into their seventh bottle of Firewhisky before Ginny broke down and laid out all of her shitty experiences. Harry was nodding along. They had all been drinking more than they should.
Then Hermione unloaded. Apparently, Ron was funny enough, but hardly ideal company for her. Ron was nodding along. To make matters worse, Hermione had wanted to remain a virgin until their wedding. And Ron had yet to propose. After four years, Hermione had started to wonder if he was ever going to commit. Ron was still nodding. Whether he agreed or was just drunk was uncertain.
"I've told Ron he can bugger me, you know. That'll still leave me a virgin. But he doesn't wanna. There's nothing wrong with my arse, is there?"
Harry perked up at this. "You've got a perfect arse, Hermione."
Hermione giggled. "You would say that, wouldn't you?" She snickered, thinking of That Picture. "Why don't we just switch, Ginny? I mean, it's perfect. Harry can touch me all he wants, unhindered by any oaths, and I know both you and Ron like traditional intercourse."
Ginny looked thoughtful. Ron looked slightly disturbed. "She's my sister, Hermy. Won't that, you know?" He trailed off, apparently uncertain how he had meant to argue it.
"Of course I thought of that Ron. But it's not like either of you want to have kids, is it? I know Ginny loves her baps and want them to remain firm like they are, and just want to play quidditch. And you don't like responsibility and just want to play quidditch. Besides, it's not like you have to marry. You can just be fuck friends for some years, and then find someone else if you end up wanting kids." Hermione seemed satisfied with her argument and nobody else seemed to find any fault with it.
Ron was still grimacing. "Well, I guess she is my favourite sister... But still."
Ginny was randy. It had been over two weeks since she felt like starting things with Harry and alcohol always got her fired up. She pulled her breasts out of her dress and pointed them at Ron. "It is a fairly good pair, don't you think. Plus, I just want to shag. Come on, feel them."
A thrill shot through her at a man finally touching her of his own accord. She didn't notice Hermione leading Harry off to the bedroom. Nor her whispered, "I really wanna try being buggered, I've always been curious."
.oOo.
The next morning, Hermione woke, well sated on being buggered. Harry letting her finger him while he buggered her was just the icing on the cake. It hadn't been easy to find a position that allowed that, especially while drunk, but she wasn't a genius for nothing. She hoped they could marry soon, though, because she was really curious on that other thing too.
Suddenly, there was a commotion in the living room.
"How could you! I thought I raised you better than some- some- some Blacks."
Harry preceded Hermione to the living room, musing that he kind of was a Black now. Everybody had pretty much seen everybody, so they hadn't taken the time to put on clothes.
"And with your fiancé sleeping in the next room too! Harry, you poor thing." Knowing Harry was incapable of approaching Ginny, the engagement and everything had to be her stubborn daughter's fault.
Ginny was standing in front of the couch in all her glory. Ron was looking at her bum and sporting a very visible morning wood.
"We broke up, mum. Just like you wanted. Just like you made him do. I've had it with you and your schemes. I hate your meddling! It ruined my life and now I'm fucking my brother. Deal with it."
Naked Hermione had emerged behind naked Harry. She had not been impressed with Molly's obtrusion and put a finger to Harry's anus, making his morning wood rise with a vengeance too.
Molly was perplexed. "You. You! You-" She drew her wand.
"Avada Kedavra!"
Ginny had drawn faster. The three others still living stared at her. Then the door closed. The one who had closed the door stared at her.
"Evanesco," said Daphne, and Molly was both gone and gone. "I think you all owe me a favour now, and I am getting that ritual. If you're all nice, I'll even leave the current picture out of the magazines." Raising an eyebrow at the siblings, Daphne decided to take in it stride. "Weasleys, carry on. Hermione, you can watch and learn the ritual." Hermione seemed to think that a fair trade. "Harry, bedroom. Now."
All in all, Harry guess he couldn't complain.
A/N: Well. I was going to make my first attempt at crack, but apparently it turned out as an erotic comedy. I blame my characters, who just wouldn't stop acting on their randiness. Also, I only really had one crack idea, so maybe the author shares some of the blame.
The aforementioned friend had another idea after reading this. My muse is all wrung out after nights of writing, so please PM me if you feel inspired and write something. I'd like to read it just for the absurdity.
Idea: Take the previous idea to the extreme. You have Molly going from boyfriend to boyfriend, making them vow to not get together with Ginny. Because no one is good enough for her. So that leaves Ginny having sex with her brothers and father.
A/N: Guest review response: Molly is not on the character list to avoid people thinking she will be part of the "romancing". I agree she has a larger role than HG. But she is in the summary and even the title.