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I'm alone in the darkness.
I can't feel my body.
I can't even tell if my eyes are closed or opened.
The floor below me is soft and warm. I hear voices, but I don't understand what they say. One of them scares me, but it's strangely calming.
It makes me feel as if I was home.
Then, two shadows attack me. I attack them back. Or was it me who attacked them first? I don't know.
There's pain and blood, but eventually, the darkness becomes quiet again.
The fire then comes and burns me to ashes.
The serpent coils in on itself and I wake up.
Time after time, the dream repeats itself.
It never changes.
What does it mean?
Does it have a meaning at all?
Often I ponder about it, in the silent moments that follow my rude awakenings.
The dream scares me. I fear I will lose myself to it if I stare at it for too long.
But then, I hear Anri's voice.
"Ashen One, are you alright?"
Horace echoes his concern with a hoarse grunt.
"Ashen One?"
And I remember that's me.
I'm the Ashen One.
I'm no longer alone.
I have them.
"Don't worry, Anri. I'm fine, Horace. It was only a dream."
My world becomes real again, and my fears, together with my dreams, fade away like smoke into the wind.
—First entry in the journal of a nameless Undead.
"Look at you. Such appearance is proper of a beggar, not a knight."
Lautrec said nothing in response. It was only obvious his appearance was more than deplorable.
His encounter with the deformed dragon at the Depths had dented his armor; his sabatons and greaves were caked with Blighttown's filth and mud. During their duel, Solaire had destroyed the front part of his cuirass. The knight of Catarina had left his mark on him as well: his dried blood had formed a layer of rust on the golden plates of Lautrec's gauntlets.
Though he had not seen his reflection in what felt like ages, Lautrec knew his face fared no better. He could feel the dirt and sweat plastered on his skin and hair.
"No matter," Fina said, more tenderly this time, "you'll have time to groom yourself soon. Now, raise your arms."
Lautrec didn't understand, but neither did he have the intention to question his goddess.
He obeyed. On top of the fortress's tower, Lautrec remained still with his arms up, waiting for something to happen.
The fire keeper's souls beat inside him like a second heart. They filled his body with strength and power. It was no casualty he had so easily disposed of that ridiculous Catarian knight.
"Ridiculous as he was, he came close to defeating you." Fina reminded him, keeping Lautrec's ego in check. "Even with the power and Humanity you borrowed from those wenches, your skills still leave much to be desired."
I know.
Lautrec answered in silence. His thoughts were scattered. At times, he felt trapped in a dream where none of his actions mattered. Perhaps his whole life wasn't real at all. Maybe he was just part of a god's nightmare.
Maybe he didn't truly exist.
He couldn't fathom a more soothing reality for himself.
"And yet, your cunning allowed you to come out victorious. And the land mine you set on the bridge… you heard the explosion, didn't you? Surely it ended the lives of that pardoner and the Astorans, or at the very least, it crippled their bodies and spirits. They'll think twice before they decide to chase us any further. You were clever, Lautrec. Your mind, your intelligence, your wit, they are precious to me. They're what make me love you."
Fina tangled her arms with Lautrec's and helped him keep them up in the air.
Then, her ethereal lips caressed his ear. "I'm proud to have you as my knight."
"Will I be able to see you soon?" Lautrec asked without emotion.
Oscar, Solaire, the pardoner of his homeland, none of them sparked any sentiment in his heart. It was as if the Humanity of the fire keepers inside him had burned out his soul.
Was that their revenge against him?
Could the spirits of those women remain conscious as they dwelled inside him?
Did they enjoy to torture him so?
They are cruel.
"Once I reach whatever place you are guiding me to, will I be able to see you at last?"
The women in my life have always been cruel.
Fina didn't answer.
Once, Lautrec would have never dared to be so bold towards her, but now his indifference outmatched his devotion and fear.
It wasn't his fault, he knew that well.
It was all the doing of those Fire keepers. They had transformed him into a shell of his former self.
He was not to blame.
He never had been.
"You shall." Fina answered at last.
Lautrec smiled. He knew the answer should have made him happy, but happiness was a concept that felt foreign to him.
This is not real. This is a dream. I am a dream. What does it matter?
Yet, Fina's promise was comforting. After so much time, he'd finally witness the beauty of his goddess with his own eyes. It was a carnal and primal desire, but it also was real and tangible.
It was something he could look forward to.
For a man without purpose like him, it was a true blessing.
Two flying demons armed with spears approached him. They emerged from the other side of the gigantic wall next to the fortress. The swinging of their wings sent waves of cold air to Lautrec's face.
He stared at the creatures without shock or fear. He did not fight them, nor did he try to resist when the demons' hideous claws closed around his wrists and lifted him up, like crows picking their prey.
The demons raised him up. Soon, the fortress became a distant and small building under his feet. As he hung in the air, Lautrec looked down and saw a dormant and colossal figure, an unfought enemy that he had not crossed paths with.
I could have killed it easily. Lautrec said to Fina. If you had given me the chance.
"That golem is an unworthy opponent for a knight of mine. Let it live and take care of the Astorans and Velka's slave, if they survived. You have a much more powerful opponent to face, Lautrec. A fire keeper awaits you at the other side of the wall, but she is not a defenseless maiden. She is as much of a knight as you are."
A female knight?
They were not unheard of in other lands and kingdoms, especially in Catarina, but no such concept existed in Carim.
Women were too sacred, too valuable for them to be thrown into the savagery and dangers of the battlefield. The mere idea of it felt barbaric and brutish. That was why their knights existed, to protect them, and sacrifice their lives for their sake whenever it was necessary; for knights, warriors and soldiers were expendable, but Carim's women were not.
"You are bewildered. Still, I expect you to show no chivalry or mercy on her. Treat her as you would any other male warrior. Unless you want her to end your life. That would be beyond shameful and pathetic."
Chivalry and mercy towards women.
The most important values of Carim's knighthood.
A shame for that warrior fire keeper, Lautrec thought with a grin, that he no longer was one.
Mercy and chivalry do not exist in battle and war. She can fight me if she wishes, but she'll share the same fate as her fellow fire keepers regardless.
The winged demons dropped him at the other side of the wall. Lautrec fell graciously on a luxurious and clean floor that made him feel like a thief intruding into a castle.
A city bathed in sunlight unfolded just before his eyes.
"Welcome, my knight," Fina said in his ear, "to the city of lies and illusions."
Lautrec found no words to speak.
The sun above him touched him with its rays, but they offered Lautrec no warmth.
Of course it doesn't. This is only a dream. If I'm lucky, I'll wake up soon. But if I'm luckier…
Gently allowing Fina to guide him, Lautrec moved on, unfazed and uncaring if the place he was profaning with his soles was holy ground.
I'll never wake up at all.
"Count to ten."
Oscar stared at the merchant from behind the visor of his helmet, confused. He had just finished putting away his freshly bought supplies when the merchant addressed him again.
The merchant, a tall and imposing man clad in silver armor, with inexpressive eyes and a duller voice, hunched his head closer to Oscar. "Every time you or your friend feel you are close to going Hollow, count to ten. It'll help you keep your sanity a little while longer, for whatever good that could do. Then again, you might as well allow the Hollowing to take over your mind. That is, after all, the putrid fate every Undead is cursed with."
He chuckled in a manner so similar to the crestfallen warrior that it made Oscar shiver.
"Or you can continue your journey. You are free to do as you please, but I suggest you keep your ambitions and dreams of glory in check. Many warriors, sorcerers, knights, pyromancers and all sorts of scum have passed through here before. None succeeded on their quests, not even the proud soldiers of Balder or the giant warriors of Berenike. Their disappointment and grief made them go Hollow. Do not be so surprised if you end up the same. Or better said, when you do, half-Hollow knight of Astora."
Oscar turned his back on the merchant without saying a word. He had sensed no mockery or ill-intent in the merchant's claims; if anything, Oscar knew they were the bitter but honest insight of a man that had seen much of Lordran's cruelty.
Just like the crestfallen warrior of Firelink Shrine had done.
True and pertinent as the merchant's warnings were, they were not what Oscar needed at that moment, not after what had happened to Oswald.
Especially not Solaire.
Oscar walked towards his friend, who was standing alone in a corner.
As he walked, he felt the heavy gaze of the merchant fixed on his back, but he said nothing, and Oscar was almost grateful to him for it.
"Here, eat this." Oscar said softly to Solaire once he reached his side. He took out a green blossom from his bag, tore a leaf from it and offered it to Solaire. "I know it tastes awfully bitter, but it'll help you regain your strength and energy. I'll eat some of it too."
Oscar took a leaf for himself. "I must say I'm not thrilled about this. Believe it or not, I'm quite the picky eater, but maybe if we down them with some Estus, we won't taste the flavor at all."
Despite his efforts, Oscar didn't succeed in making Solaire smile.
Solaire stood quiet, with his eyes fixed on the two prism stones on his palm. One was cyan, the other orange. Both glowed with equal fervor, like small diamonds against the sunlight.
Oscar's hands slowly returned to his sides. In his hands, he continued to hold the green leaves.
"The orange stone is for Laurentius," Solaire explained quietly, "the cyan one is for pardoner Oswald. I'd like to bury these stones together with the others, those we buried near the bonfire at Firelink Shrine."
He looked at Oscar. Through the slit of helmet, Oscar saw only sorrow in Solaire's eyes.
"Would that be fine with you? That grave holds someone who was very special to you. Is it alright if I add two more stones to it, Oscar?"
Special.
Oscar remembered the Undead he had freed from their cell.
What had he and them truly been?
Friends, rivals.
Enemies who had tried to kill each other.
Or maybe just strangers, a couple of miserable losers that had become overly attached to each other in what they had thought would be the last moments of their lives.
We saved each other.
"You needn't ask, Solaire. That memorial belongs to the people we buried there. Laurentius, Oswald and the memory of any other person you'd like to lay to rest there is welcome too."
But is that enough to say that whatever bond we had was special?
"Thank you." Solaire nodded. He joined his hands together and brought them closer to the forehead. After a brief and silent prayer, he put the stones away in the bag hanging from his belt.
Oscar thought Solaire's heart had found peace, but his friend remained silent, his gaze lost into the distance.
Unsure of what to say, or if his counsel was wanted in the first place, Oscar said nothing.
It came to him that he always tried to fill in the moments of silence, as if his stupid quips or comments were enough to make others forget about their pain.
I always try to mend things, but what do I know about other people's grief?
Oscar closed his eyes, his chest becoming heavy with shame.
What makes me think I am capable of soothing someone else's pain, when I don't even know how to deal with my own?
"I love my fate." Solaire finally spoke. He removed his helmet and stared at it as if he was gazing at his own reflection. "It's at this moment when I should be able to say so and truly mean it; right here, right now, right at this moment that I feel hopeless and lost again. I love my fate, I love all that's happened to me, good or bad. I'm at peace with my life, and I'm eager to see what the future holds, no matter how painful it could be."
Solaire turned his head at Oscar and smiled.
"But I can't. I don't think I'll ever be strong enough to say it, not right now, nor in the last moments of my life. It was pretentious and conceited of me to think otherwise… to pretend I had understood the true meaning of what pardoner Oswald told us, or that I had the courage necessary to live by those words."
"Stop." Oscar said. He quickly grabbed Solaire's helmet, just before it slipped from its owner's faltering fingers. The leaves he had been holding fell to the floor, uneaten and forgotten forever.
With utter care, Oscar put the heaume on the floor and faced Solaire, who finally dared to look at him in the eye.
The scars on Solaire's face did not conceal the magnitude of his grief.
"You are strong, Solaire." Oscar stated firmly, but a hole in his chest threatened to swallow his bravado. He put his hands on Solaire's shoulders, more to ground himself in reality than to offer comfort to his friend. "You've proven it many times in the past. Don't forget that."
"Oscar."
"Don't turn Oswald's words into a source of despair for yourself. What he said was supposed to make us stronger, but if they only succeed in hurting you, don't think about them any longer. Ignore them, forget them, just like I've done."
Oscar's tongue betrayed him and it refused to form a single word more. It was a good thing, for he had already said a lot more than he should have had.
Forget those who have died. Forget the pain their deaths caused you.
The phantom feeling of the Chosen Undead's hand manifested on Oscar's chest.
Whatever they had done to him back in the abyss of his death, the Chosen Undead had managed to take away the pain Oscar felt at the memory of the death of his fellow elite knights.
The memory was now null and empty. It was still grotesque and horrifying, but it no longer hurt his heart.
If only Oscar could say the same about the memories of the Undead, the crestfallen, the raven, Laurentius, the fire keepers and Oswald.
Maybe then I would love my fate.
"I'm tired, Oscar," Solaire muttered, "I'm tired of seeing people around me die."
Oscar basked in the silence that followed and used it to regain his composure.
Me too, my friend. Me too.
"If you are so tired of death and the pain it causes you, then you might as well go Hollow this instant." The merchant approached Oscar and Solaire. He kept his distance, but Oscar doubted he did so out of respect or sympathy. "For here in Lordran, death is the only thing that is guaranteed. That is the fate of us Undead."
Oscar's instinct to protect Solaire from the bitterness of the merchant made his temper flare. His anger swallowed his gloomiest feelings, but in the end, it was Solaire and not him who confronted the merchant.
"We cannot go Hollow." Solaire said calmly. In a strange way, his peaceful voice was more convincing and intimidating than his anger ever could have been.
Solaire rested his hand on Oscar's shoulder. It was then Oscar realized Solaire had never addressed the merchant at all. "We have to keep moving forwards. We must. We have to try."
"We will, no matter what Lordran or fate has in store for us." Oscar said with a confidence he didn't truly feel.
"So you think you are different from me or all the others who came before you?" The merchant shrugged and returned to his previous spot near the opposite corner. "You think you can handle it? That you can endure the cruelties of this godforsaken land? Ah, to be young and naive again. Just like I was once, so very long ago. Believe what you may, but be careful… for the truth always strike us harder the more our heads are filled with vain hope."
Oscar wondered if Solaire could feel the distress the merchant's claims were causing to him. He wished with all his being Solaire didn't.
Despite all that's happened, Solaire remains strong. My friend, I do not have your spirit or your courage, but for both our sakes, I'll try to be strong as well.
"Let's get going." Oscar told him.
Solaire gave Oscar's shoulder a soft squeeze before nodding in agreement. He picked up his heaume and put it back on.
"Be careful out there." The merchant said just before they left that abandoned tower and ventured into the dangerous outer lanes of the fortress again. "These parts are ridden with Hollowed knights of Balder and Berenike. It would be wise of you not to cross paths with them. Then again, that giant and his cursed explosive barrels might kill you both anyway. Regardless, I wish you luck, knights of Astora."
Neither Oscar nor Solaire gave the merchant a merchant did not take offense at their silence.
Oscar suspected he had never expected an answer in the first place.
There had been no time to mourn. Deep down, Solaire was glad about it.
Laurentius, Oswald, the fire keeper of Blighttown, the fire keeper of Firelink Shrine.
Their deaths were yet to feel real.
Solaire knew they had happened, but the process of coming to terms with their demises had been put aside indefinitely.
Lordran's unforgiving nature and the constant threats of the fortress had made sure of that.
Keep going. Focus on your present.
The giant warrior swung his equally giant sword at Solaire. It crashed violently against his shield. The impact disoriented Solaire and left a burning sting in his shoulder and elbow, but he endured the impact without stepping back.
The giant warrior recoiled and tried to attack again, but Oscar pierced the warrior's neck, right at the small slit between the helmet and his armor. The warrior let out a Hollowed scream and dropped to his knees.
Black and rotten blood soon covered his silver armor like spilled ink. Solaire finished the job by stabbing the dying creature right in the center of his face, the only part the warrior's helmet did not cover.
The Hollowed warrior went silent instantly. His stiff hands let go of his shield and sword simultaneously. Like a fallen idol, he dropped to his side. His armor and weapons touched the floor at the same time, sending a deafening metallic echo that resonated across Lordran like thunder.
Solaire looked at the defeated warrior as he faded away into the wind, finally free of his Hollowed existence.
May you rest in peace in the realm of your gods, brave warrior of Berenike.
Exhausted and injured after the prolonged battle, Solaire fell to his knees. He used his shield and sword to support himself as he tried to catch his breath. His face was soaked in sweat under his helmet.
After a short moment of rest, Solaire uncovered his face and stood up. His legs trembled with effort and his arm screamed in pain. It was most likely broken in more than one place. It hurt, but it wasn't something Solaire couldn't endure or something some Estus wouldn't heal.
But before he could heal himself, he had to make sure Oscar was free of danger.
Oscar had removed his helmet too. He was sitting on the floor with his eyes closed. He was panting wearily and had a deep cut on his left side.
Solaire almost panicked at the sight of his friend's blood. His heart skipped a bit and his limbs went numb, but when Oscar opened his eyes and smiled at him, he felt free to breathe again.
"Well," Oscar sighed as Solaire knelt next to him with his Estus flask in hand, "it is a good thing those damn explosive barrels don't reach us here. Otherwise, this fight would have been a bit trickier."
"That's quite the understatement." Solaire chuckled. Without warning, he put the flask on Oscar's lips. Oscar stared at him in surprise and disapproval. "Don't worry, there will be enough left for me to heal my wounds, but that cut on your side is more serious than my broken arm. Now drink."
Oscar grunted, almost childishly so, but much to Solaire's relief, he drank from the flask without further complaint. Solaire fed him a bit more than half the flask, just to make sure his wounds would heal correctly.
Then, he drank the rest himself.
With that, their Estus was officially depleted.
Oscar had used all of his on Solaire, to heal the injuries and burns the explosion had left on his body.
Focus on your present. Keep moving forwards. That's your duty.
Together with Oscar, Solaire moved closer to a wall and leaned his back against it. In silence, they allowed the Estus to heal their bodies.
That's all you can do now.
"Here." Oscar said, offering Solaire a leaf of green blossom.
Solaire accepted it. If his mood couldn't be lifted, then at least he could boost his stamina.
Oscar took one for himself. After a short pause, they ate them at the same time.
Without any Estus left, they had no choice other than to endure the leaves' bitter taste as they chewed them. It was overpowering, almost nauseating, but the effects were as powerful as the flavor was intense.
"Lords." Oscar shuddered in disgust after swallowing the leaf. "Not even the sweetest honey or the strongest spice would make this cursed plant taste any better. That is a challenge not even Siegmeyer and his culinary skills could overcome."
"Remember that Estus soup I prepared for you in Firelink Shrine? I… I may have added some of these leaves to it. You see, I met Siegmeyer on my way to Lodran. We shared a meal and he gave me his Estus soup recipe, but it seems I remembered it wrong. Very wrong."
"That explains a lot. How many leaves did you add to it? Three?"
"A whole blossom." Solaire admitted, blushing against his will.
"A whole blossom?" Oscar looked at him in disbelief. He looked away for a second, and then looked at Solaire again. "By the Lords Solaire, all this time I thought you had tried to help me, but now I see you were actually trying to kill me."
"It was a very difficult recipe to remember." Solaire hugged his legs and hid his face on his arms.
"Oh, don't overact." Oscar said, putting his arm around Solaire's shoulders. "It was a decent first try."
"No, it wasn't. It tasted like a pot of manure left under the sound for days and seasoned with black powder."
"Sure, the taste was awful. I'm not going to deny that."
"Always so honest and blunt, Oscar."
"But the soup healed me, didn't it? No, it did a lot more than that. It saved my life when I was at the brink of death." Oscar chuckled fondly. He dropped his mocking tone and spoke from his heart, "I would call that a success."
Solaire lifted his face from his arms and looked at Oscar.
"Hey, come on now." Oscar ruffled his hair. "I gave you a compliment. There's no need for you to cry about spilled milk. Or would it be spoiled soup in this case?"
"I'm not crying!" Solaire exclaimed, wiping his tears with his forearm. "My eyes just got watery because of the bitterness, that's all!"
It was a pitiful lie Solaire didn't believe for one second, and he was sure neither did Oscar. His friend merely laughed the matter off. He kept ruffling his hair a little longer before retreating his hand and closing his eyes.
Oscar was smiling. Even if it was for just a moment, he was at peace.
Solaire allowed him his tranquility, and he too felt something resembling peace forming in his chest.
I lied. I did cry, but it wasn't because of your honest critique of my soup. On the contrary, it made me happy.
Solaire rested his head against the stone wall and gazed at the cloudy sky.
"Thank you for being my friend."
"Hmm? Did you say something, Solaire?"
"No, nothing." Solaire replied.
Nothing you don't already know.
With that, Solaire decided to enjoy the brief pause while it lasted.
Lautrec, their duty, all the bad things that had happened. They had not been forgotten, but at least for a couple of minutes, Solaire was willing to put them aside and focus on the peace he was sharing with Oscar.
I don't love my fate or my life. But right now, right at this moment, I'm glad to be alive. I...
Metallic steps, slowly coming closer, shattered whatever illusion of peace Solaire had started to believe was real.
He recognized that sound.
It was the disinghisbale murmur of a man clad in armor.
Solaire sprung back to his feet. Estus had healed his broken arm, though some of the pain remained. It didn't hinder his movements, nor did it prevent Solaire to wield his shield firmly as he put himself between Oscar and whatever enemy was approaching them.
Oscar didn't need Solaire's protection for long, as he soon was standing right to his side, with his crest shield and his coiled sword in hand.
"Do you hear it? The pace of his steps." Oscar whispered to Solaire as changed his stance and wielded his sword with both hands. "This enemy is not Hollow."
Solaire's mouth went dry.
"Lautrec?" The name left a more bitter aftertaste in his tongue than the green blossom had.
"It could be. Be ready."
The mysterious figure kept approaching until it finally turned around the corner and revealed itself.
Solaire's boiling fury collapsed inside him so brusquely that he became dizzy, as if the floor trembled under his feet and it was making him sick.
At first, he did not believe his eyes, but when the elite knight raised his bow and shot an arrow at them, without warning of provocation, Solaire reacted and became sure the man before them was real.
His round shield blocked the elite knight's arrow easily, but no sooner had the first projectile been shot when another arrow was already piercing its way directly at them.
This time, Oscar's shield was the one that blocked it.
"Stop!" Oscar exclaimed. Solaire tried to stop him, but Oscar slipped from his grip and took a step closer towards the elite knight.
The elite knight, whether out of surprise or realization that he had attacked his fellow Astorans and not a pair of Hollows, put down his bow and looked at Oscar, his expression concealed behind his helmet.
"We are not Hollows, we are not your enemies!" Oscar continued, putting down his sword. "We are your fellow knights. Please, cease your attacks and talk to me. I'm an elite knight as well."
"Oscar." Solaire said under his breath without taking his eyes off the elite knight. "Don't drop your guard. We don't know what his intentions are."
Oscar ignored him. He was too absorbed in his attempt to break peace with the other man. Though Solaire didn't understand his reasons, he trusted Oscar's judgement, but he did not trust the stranger.
"I'm Oscar. I too am an elite knight. What's your name?" Oscar asked, subtly taking a step closer to the elite knight, who stepped back in response. Sensing his distress, Oscar stopped moving. "It's alright, we are not going to hurt you. I know my voice is disconcerting, but I'm not Hollow. I'm sane, and so is my friend. Are you injured?"
The elite knight's shoulders trembled as his breathing fastened. Nervous by the change in the stranger, Solaire rushed to Oscar's side.
"Stop! What are you doing?" Oscar's harsh words took Solaire off guard. "Can't you see he is scared?"
"But—"
"Stay out of this, Solaire. I'll handle it." Oscar ordered. Solaire didn't remember Oscar talking to him so authoritatively before. Sure, Oscar had been strict and severe with him during the earlier stages of their friendship, but he had not been so imposing.
When Solaire did not move, Oscar stepped in front of him and pushed him back. "I told you to stay out of this! This doesn't concern you. Don't you understand? One of my fellow elite knights is alive! I had thought the Undead beast had killed them all. But he is alive. He survived. He..."
The tip of an arrow emerged from Oscar 's shoulder and silenced him. Oscar opened his mouth in a silent scream and fell forwards. Solaire caught him before he hit the ground and protected him with his shield
"Oscar!" Solaire exclaimed, holding Oscar close to him. His wound wasn't lethal, but the treacherous nature of it and the nonchalant manner in which the elite knight unsheathed his rapier and charged at them angered Solaire to the point where he feared his heart would burst.
Oscar was just trying to help you! He was worried about you, he was willing to trust you… and you attacked him! You betrayed him!
Solaire lunged his sword at the elite knight as soon as he was amidst his reach, but his attack was easily parried by the other man's buckle shield. Before Solaire could process what had happened, the rapier sunk into his right arm. The sharp tip broke through the chainmail and reached his flesh.
Blood covered his arm and his opponent's rapier like lacquer. Solaire clenched his jaw and tried to cling to his sword, but the painful jolt of his injury caused his fingers to falter.
His injury was worsened when the elite knight violently removed his rapier from his arm and attacked Solaire again. This time, he aimed directly at the slit of his helmet.
"No!"
Like a raging bull, Oscar tackled the elite knight. His crest shield crashed against the other man's chest with so much force that Solaire could hear the elite knight's ribs breaking like dry twigs.
Yet, either because of a high resilience or the numbness of a Hollowed mind, the elite knight ignored his injuries and counterattacked by slamming his buckler shield on Oscar's helmet.
A second later, he had succeeded in pinning Oscar to the floor. The elite knight slammed his boot on his back, as if wanting to break Oscar's spine in half, and then raised his rapier to deliver a lethal blow to his lungs.
Solaire let go of his shield. Before it touched the ground, he was already casting a Lighting Spear with the talisman on his hand. He had seized the talisman from his belt and had chanted the tale of the miracle by pure instinct.
There was no faith behind his miracle, only anger, and the fervent need to rescue the person he cared about the most.
He launched the spear at the alite knight with all the might of his arm. The spear, jolting with the invigorated power of its contained lighting essence, cut its way through the air more sharply than any arrow. Its flight couldn't be stopped, not even by the body of the elite knight.
The miracle pierced his back and heart as if he was made of wet tissue. Rotten blood exploded all around, splattering over the floor like dark rain.
Then, still clinging to his shield and his rapier, the elite knight collapsed.
"Oscar." Solaire ran towards his friend, who was already back on his knees.
Oscar did not react when Solaire knelt next to him. He didn't even seem to care about the arrow stuck on his shoulder.
All his attention was dedicated to the deceased elite knight that was fading away into nothingness, in the particular way only Hollows did.
"He was Hollow." Oscar murmured after discarding his helmet. "And now he is dead. He is dead, like the rest of them."
Oscar began to laugh. He covered his eyes with his leather gauntlet, but his laughter did not stop.
"They are dead. My friends are all dead." Oscar's mouth twisted into a scowl and tears began to drop down his cheeks. "I couldn't save them. I just watched. I couldn't save them. I can't save anyone. I'm useless. Then why am I still alive? Why do people better than me always perish but I survive?"
Solaire held him close, the same way he had done the first time Oscar had cried in front of him. Back then, Solaire had cried too, but in that moment, tears couldn't find their way to his eyes.
"I was never worthy of being an elite knight." Oscar said as he pressed his forehead deeper into Solaire's shoulder. "I did not earn my place among them. My birth, my status… that's what got me into their ranks. It wasn't my skills or my talent. And yet, I survived. The Undead abomination killed them all. It killed civilians. It killed children. They are all dead, but I'm still here. Why? Why me and not them?"
Solaire processed Oscar's confession in silence, unable to speak at all.
"I'm not who you think I am, Solaire." Oscar stuttered, breathless because of his sobbing. "I was never the knight you admired. I was just some prideful idiot who thought fate had favored him because he was destined to greatness, that he was naturally superior to everyone else. I was that vain, I was that stupid, I was that worthless. I'm just a pretender, a fool randomly favored by chance that could never justify his pride. Why? Why did someone like me survive while so many generous and brave people died?"
"Oscar, it's all right." Solaire at last found his voice again. "It's all right, you hear me? I'm here. This pain you've kept to yourself, I sensed it all, back when the serpent devoured us. Let go of it, Oscar. It's all right, don't worry about me. You've been strong for me for far too long. Please… let me be strong for you now."
Solaire had promised himself he wouldn't cry this time, but his heart had long reached its limit. Regardless, he remained firm and determined.
"Solaire." Oscar said his name as he shifted his position and moved his chin up to Solaire's shoulder. He spoke as if uttering a question he didn't dare to ask. "Brother."
It was the last thing he said before his voice became drowned amidst his unchained crying.
Oscar clung to Solaire with his non-injured arm.
Solaire did the same.
"You are worthy, Oscar. You always were." Solaire said in his ear. "You are worthy of being alive. You deserve to exist, right here, right now. I'm grateful you survived."
Despite everything that's gone wrong, despite all the hardship we have yet to face...
"I'm grateful we are both alive."
Oscar gasped, struggling to breathe in between his sobbing and his hiccups.
"Me too, my brother." He managed to say after many failed attempts. "Me too."
One, two...
Why am I crying?
Three, four...
This memory… it's not meant to be hurtful anymore.
Oscar pondered as he continued to bleed all the emotions he had kept locked inside him since he had been reborn at the Depths.
He didn't find an answer.
In the end, he simply allowed himself to cry in the company of Solaire.
It was liberating, much more than the loss of his pain at the hands of the Chosen Undead had ever been.
He didn't even need to count to ten to keep his lurking Hollowing at bay, as the crestfallen merchant had suggested.