You need to do the Pokemon stories. They're so bad, they're horrible. That makes them amazing. - An Anonymous Lost Soul
By popular request...and I can't believe there was one, you masochistic heathens...here's these newest, oldest, shrieking apocalyptic abominations from the rotting bowels of 2000s Angelfire. No, I haven't abandoned this account. Shockingly I have a life outside the internet writing mediocre parodies of awful fanfictions. Likely more so if the revoke of net neutrality tries to force me to pay to use this massive time waster of a website come 2018.
Crying, Dying, Humiliation: Starring In Name Only Pokémon Characters
By: I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
Some old school awful from years past, still available on the decrepit pits of ancient Angelfire Rocketshipping fansites. That takes me back.
Pokémon and all related characters are owned by Nintendo, Creatures, and Game Freak, not me. The nigh incomprehensible song lyric filled script fics these were based upon feel like somebody took all Meowth's disturbingly hilarious imagine spot fantasies about Giovanni and substituted them in place of actual canon while forgetting the entire cast of the Pokémon series and its main plot. I am no longer surprised by that at all.
CRYING, DYING, TORTURE, HUMILIATION: STARRING IN NAME ONLY POKÉMON CHARACTERS, PART 1
We join a bunch of expendable characters forced into an absurd fanfic written by a person who, despite not caring about anything in the franchise outside Craig Dragotti, er, Giovanni, his untamed lust for kawaii baby Mew, his rabid obsession over his minor character Mary Sue insert girlfriend Miyamoto and crazy BDSM mafia mommy boss from the five part radio drama Birth of Mewtwo, the major plot points of which go completely ignored in favor of...well, wait for it...assumed this would make them the most popular writer in the fandom. Did it work? Going to go out on a limb here and suggest, no. Cue the eternal wailing and gnashing of teeth and "YOU DON'T KNOW POKEEMANZ CANON, HYPOCRITES! EVERYBODY BUT ME WRITES OOC CHILD PORN!" Boo hoo, self-loathing narcissistic projection. Cry harder, you creepy stalker-pedo.
The Rocket Gang hung out in their nondescript HQ, having a party. Parties are fun and often involve cake. Mmm, cake. That's my fetish. This celebration isn't pertinent to the plot, however. It doesn't involve any cake either. I can smell your collective disappointment.
Instead we focus on our main object of lust, the one, the only, the dreamy, loving, flawless father figure who can do no wrong unless he's been corrupted by an outside source into being a meanie pants jerkwad evil villain, unlike in that slanderous canon that ruins his precious woobie cinnamon roll status, dear sweet innocent Giovanni of Team Rocket fame.
Yes, that Giovanni. Unfortunately.
Now he's the Suethor's own "Original Character" boyfriend called Craig Dragotti. Who was based off Buck-Tick singer, Atsushi Sakurai. And by based off I mean stole the man's entire likeness and personal life, applied some cutesy anime with melodramatic soap opera tropes to it before declaring it Original Property, do not steal, everyone who dares criticize this are a bunch of knuckle-dragging losers and trolls jealous of the Suethor's boundless creative genius. Et cetera and so forth. I Wish I was kidding. Sadly I am not. This really happened. Multiple times. In different fandoms. With the same pattern repeated over and over. With three different yet unbearably similar characters each time. Always.
If you are or ever have been a Giovanni fan, or a fan of the Pocket Monster franchise in general, you might want to leave before you see something that can never be unseen. I feel like I've said that before with many, many of this person's fics in the past. They just keep on getting worse and the hypocrisy more shamefully obvious.
Now back to this reputedly seventeen year long ongoing shitfest crammed into multiple one-shot parody format.
We now stumble through a giant page of subpar description porn of everyone's favorite mysterious character, the grand Madame Boss, elusive original leader of the Rocket Gang, and best of all most important positively real and valid canon fact: Giovanni's batshit cray-cray beloved abusive domming mommy figure to his hyper-feminized sissy little boyness.
Giovanni is a sissy femme gay boy sub and Madame Boss is his cruel femMommy dominant. This is 100% canon fact. Not someone's personal fetish headcanon. The actual canon.
What proof have we? She called him a brat boy. Once. In a radio drama. It means she HATES him and also wants him dead. Meanwhile she'll get off to sexually or physically torturing and humiliating him for kicks. Brat, brat, brat. That's our mysterious Madame Boss. Canon. Don't dare say it's not because it is. Also Giovanni appeared in his undies several times during comedic dream sequences in the canon. That makes him super flaming gay sissy fetish with mommy issues, obviously. Oh, Meowth. What have you unleashed upon the world?
The expendable characters present at the gathering were described by their clothing alone. An entire paragraph dedicated to describing the clothing and hair of every single character in the briefly featured Rocket Gang party here as if everyone in the fandom who is familiar with this series doesn't know what they look like.
And then there was Miyamoto. She was the best Rocket Gang member.
Why is she the best character? It's not because she's competent, determined, tenacious, and reliable. Nope. That's stupid.
Go on, guess why. It should be extremely familiar by now.
Hint: She's the Suethor's designated canon Sue self-insert romantic ship fodder who's in One True Love with Giovanni but tragically always gets tortured or dies before they can make proper marriage sperm babies together forever! Just like EVERY FUCKING STORY!
Unless she's swapped out for Jessie. Because that happens a lot for some reason.
Funny when the Suethor can't get any attention bait from their preferred crack ship, so they jump on whatever canon female is more popular in the fandom and change them to suit their own taste into their personal OC. It's almost like every female character is simply interchangeable generic template cannon fodder to them for their Mary Sue shipping urges with whatever canon dude they wanna bang at the time. Hmm.
Giovanni, or Sakaki if you're a Nihongo-is-superior weeb purist, and Madame Boss, or Woman Boss because that sounds a lot funnier thanks to awkward Japanese to English translations, were at the desk in the nondescript office room that Giovanni hung out at when he wasn't on his knees sobbing or being tortured.
Giovanni held his dear mum's hand, cuddling his prized Persian in the other. He made out with Madame Boss's gorgeous face.
"I love you mommy dearest," said Giovanni, his expression growing agitated when everyone else gathered around started snickering, immature bunch that they were.
"Dawww, how sickeningly sweet," said Musashi, also known as Jessie, but dubs are for losers, mimicking the momma's boy by kissing her own mother repeatedly on the cheek. "I WUV U MOMMY!"
Giovanni did everyone's favorite expression. He scowled. Have your beverage ready for our featured drinking game. And make sure it isn't alcoholic in nature or you'll die after three minutes flat. That is not a joke. Don't attempt to Drinking Game any of these badfics. Ever. You will die.
"My little baby brat boy is such a brat," said Madame Boss, smiling, head tilted at a 90 degree angle. "Who wants to see my giant set of blackmail pictures of him? By the way, he wasn't toilet trained until he was 18 years old. How embarrassing, am I right? I just randomly yell this shit out to anyone in the vicinity. It's very in character for me. We can interpret this from my dialogue in Birth of Mewtwo's entertaining radio drama. If you can't, you're an idiot who doesn't grasp proper canon characterization. Only the most elite fans use the minor canon characters as their personal Mary Sue OCs. It saves you the trouble of having to come up with any ill conceived ideas of your own. Creating original content is hard. Stealing is easier. BRAT BOY, BRAT BOY!"
"Mommy," Giovanni whined, his face going three different shades of red in succession. "That is entirely slanderous and you know it!"
"Yes, I do," she said. "That's why it's so funny."
"Akwaaaaaaaard," said one of the nameless expendable background characters who made up the Rocket Bunch. They were of no interest to the plot, only serving as background character filler fodder. They will be dropped from the story and forgotten once they aren't needed. "More awkward."
"WHO WANTS TO SEE NAKED PHOTOS OF MY TODDLER?" Madame Boss waved a bunch of them around in the air.
"That's really awkward," said that nameless expendable guy from before, trying to get more lines of dialogue. He poofed into nonexistence with a scream, proving how little these background characters mattered to the plot. Why they were there to begin with is anyone's guess.
"No one," the remaining Rocket Gang yelled back in unison.
"I do," Miyamoto piped up before Jessie lowered her mother's hand, shaking her head with embarrassment. Miyamoto snapped her fingers in defeat. "Aww, nuts."
"Control your impulses, Mother," Jessie said.
Unable to handle the maddening sexual stimulation of public humiliation by his Mommy, Giovanni screamed and fled the room, hiding his shameful boner. "Mommy, why do you do this to me? I'm practically a grown man and I should be allowed some dignity," his delightful effeminate shriek carried down the hallway.
"You don't act like a real man," Madame Boss said, shooting a disturbing smirk and glare in his absence. "You pathetic whimpering sissy man-baby bitch! I can't be bothered to treat you with dignity when you don't have any to begin with."
"It's not my fault, IT'S THE WRITING," Giovanni's voice called from somewhere in the distance.
"It's canon and you know it," Madame Boss said, chuckling with evil delight, a hand splayed in front of her chin. "Oh ho ho ho, '90s anime laugh!"
"I wanna see the creepy photos," Cassidy said, pushing Jessie and Miyamoto out of the way. "Lay 'em down. Right here." She threw herself on top of the desk, grinning while slapping her breasts.
"Luckily that was an exaggeration made by the parody based off some actual lines of dialogue in the fic that are so OOC it hurts to read them," said Butch, regretting his inclusion in the story. "Without our canon names, you'd never know who any of us were supposed to be."
The original narrative wanted everyone to know that Madame Boss, for whatever reason, owned 100 humiliating pictures of her nude son.
WHY THOUGH? WHY DOES SHE HAVE SO MANY HUMILIATING NUDE PHOTOS OF HER OWN SON?
I get the concept of dark humor but this is creepy in how super fucking casual it's played off as. Then again, that makes sense, given the Suethor's long established rep for using homophobia, rape, racism, and cancer as punchlines. Yikes.
"Super awkwaaaaaaaaaaard," yelled out Nameless Expendable Background Character #3.
"About 99 of the possible reasons for me having that many humiliating nude photos of my son point to me being either an awful mother or a pedophile making money off my son. Or more likely, both," said Madame Boss in an eerily gleeful manner. "Place your bets on whether this will be confirmed by the plot at a later instance!"
"I put 100 dollars down on confirming yes," said Butch quite confidently.
"Um, okay then. We're going to leave this increasingly uncomfortable situation before it gets any worse," said James, shoving Miyamoto and Jessie out of the room. "Let's go find the boss."
"I'll bet he's crying hysterically in his underwear in the executive washroom," said Jessie. "He does that a lot."
The group wandered aimlessly, calling out their boss's name until they happened upon a random door.
"Ooh, I hear something. It sounds like either a cat being murdered in a blender or bad karaoke," said Jessie. "I can't quite tell which."
"Maybe it's both," said James. "Some people are into that."
They creaked open the door, finding Giovanni singing some tone-deaf karaoke. In front of his kitties. His expensive stuffed kitties. Er, stuffed Persians. Maybe some Skitties.
Giovanni stood on a stage in the middle of the room with the regular Persian watching him, being the only living creature who could tolerate his master's tone deafness and grating raspy monotone voice void of any charm the canon once held in either dub or sub. He sang Weiß Kreuz songs. Reposting the lyrics of said songs are now against the ToS but frankly a painful reminder of years long past and shitty Mary Sue OC x Canon shipfics in general, and we should never imitate it, even for satire.
"What is he doing," asked Jessie, dumbfounded.
"Why, imitating the Suethor, of course," said James. "As you may have noticed, they are obsessed with cats, cross-dressing sissy men, graphic violence and torture, death scenes, ghosts, baby play, Mary Sues, melodramatic soap operas and reality TV, narcissism, and karaoke. Among other things. These distinct traits tend to be present in every fic in a repeating pattern that never deviates. Naturally, all the assigned self-insert characters end up exhibiting this behavior as well. It's way more obvious in this series than anything else to date. I hope I don't end up in the rape dungeon, getting my mouth held open and pissed in. I mean my ORAL CAVITY! Hold me, Jessie. I'm frightened."
"Oh no! It looks to be true," said Jessie with intense dismay. "All that's missing are picnics with Chinese food and chocolate cake, and grown adults having eerily sexualized childish fetishy sleep overs that have rapey overtones. Because there's nothing cuter than grown adults sexualizing childhood and going one step further to slap needlessly rapey overtones onto it."
"Rose gardens," said Butch. "And a perpetually screaming God Sue baby who the entire cast of canon characters bow down to every waking moment, until every thought in their minds is how they can worship and serve this nightmarish eternally screeching baby monster who is the most blatant Suethor's self-insert to exist!"
"Yaoi," said Cassidy.
"And the cuckoldry," said James, hugging Jessie's waist. "Don't forget that."
"I wish I could," said Jessie. "Why do I have a feeling I'm going to end up as part of this hot mess sooner or later?"
"Your vagina," said James, pointing at Jessie's crotch.
Jessie slapped him across the face.
"Ow," James said, rubbing his reddened cheek. "Well, it's true!"
"I know!" Jessie said, choking back a sob. "I hate having the truth shoved in my face! It's much harder to pretend it doesn't exist!"
"I Know," James said, whimpering.
"Thank God I'm overall irrelevant as a character here," said Cassidy, fondling her breasts unconsciously.
"Same," said Butch. He turned to face all the other completely irrelevant background characters who were poofing out of existence one by one. "It's not so bad. Right?"
"No, it is bad!" Jessie and James wailed.
The Rockets hugged each other and cried, wishing they were in another fanfic.
"Singing off key is a stress reliever," Giovanni said to himself but not quite. He turned toward the fourth wall, grimacing. "How dare you judge me by an adult-baby weeaboo's clumsily written infantile whims inserted on top of my canon personality! You know I'm better than this." He shook his head, feeling faint. "No, wait. This is the actual canon. I'm the REAL Giovanni! Not like those awful fanon versions found in bad fanfic. This is how I act in canon."
"Well, he's got us there," said James from beyond the door.
"Mother, you wouldn't somehow acquire hundreds of humiliating nude photos of me and sell them online to perverts, would you?" Jessie felt compelled to ask.
"Of course not, sweetie. I'm the Good Mother figure in contrast to the Bad Mother figure in these stories," she said, smiling blandly like it was the only thing she could do after being so reduced to manufactured one-dimensional stereotypes there wasn't anything left of her that would be recognizable as canon. "I am a generic flawless female character symbolizing absolute purity from a deeply religious standpoint. In order to do that, I have been stripped of my canon personality. Now I am the blandest of bland, perpetually cheerful and accommodating to whatever or whoever the plot calls for. I am the virgin Madonna to the Lilith whore that is always present with black and white thinking. I am not the exuberant, somewhat melodramatically comedic, and determined sassy go-getter hell bent on making profits that I was presented as in the canon. Canon makes writing out OOC masturbation fantasies with copyrighted characters turned into soulless puppets for whatever the Suethor wishes to project onto them much harder to do. So we simply remove it and replace it with that which we are most accustomed and prefer to see." After that long-winded explanation, she pet Jessie on the head.
"Oh. Okay," said Jessie, looking both confused and uncomfortable. "That explains a lot, actually."
"The need for karaoke fuels a large portion of my terribly unfulfilling life for some reason I can't fully explain," Giovanni yelled, attempting to draw audience attention back to himself. "Anime is all I have left now. My room is filled with body pillows of my various hot fictional waifus. They take the place of the flesh and blood significant other for whom I pine after on a daily basis." He waved the mic around in the air. "I'm not bitter! Everyone else is bitter! I've moved on! This isn't the lie I've cried myself to sleep with every night for the past 15 years! DON'T TELL ME I'M LYING! YOU CAN'T!" He began to sob softly. "You can't. Can you?"
"Of course not," said a familiar voice from the doorway. "It would set you into a meltdown of destructive homicidal narcissist rage."
"You idiot!"
"Oops! Ow! Hey, watch it! I bruise easily."
"You blew our cover! Here's a bruise for you, you big dope!"
"OW! You big meanie weenie!"
The sound of squabbling drew Giovanni's attention. He turned around and gasped, seeing several sets of prying eyes peeking from the door crack where all those whispers had originated from. He screamed girlishly, recoiling.
"What the hell are you anonymous assholes doing here spying on me? Whoever you are, I should fire you all. But I can't if I don't know who you are," he said, lowering his mic. "No use hiding! Show yourselves already."
"Oh, boss-kun, do go on. You have such a beautiful singing voice," James lied, opening the door all the way. "We enjoyed your singing so much, we had to come and have a closer listen."
Giovanni gasped again when he saw Miyamoto, Jessie, and James.
"Ooh, clever. You know how to placate my murderous narcissistic rage by telling me what I want to hear seconds before I unleash my wrath on you," said Giovanni. "Get in here. I need a captive human audience to blare my off key karaoke at and you're the only other characters involved that haven't been poofing out of relevancy as the plot moves farther and farther away from the Pokémon universe into an actual OC fic with stolen Pokémon character names tossed around to bait reviews."
The group obeyed without question due to an overwhelming lack of free will. They took a seat on the floor with Giovanni's pet Persian.
And then a long but thankfully not described sequence of karaoke went on, with Giovanni singing songs from another fictional anime universe that somehow exists in this fictional anime universe. Velvet Underworld being one of them. Play it in the background if you wish as you remember your awful childhood AMVs made in Windows Movie Maker.
Everyone grinned with visible discomfort as they endured the concert and enthusiastically applauded after it had ended.
"At least we didn't get fired thanks to my quick thinking," James whispered through his teeth as he smiled and clapped for the bowing Giovanni. "It could have been worse."
"Worse than what? My ears are bleeding! I'm going to kick your butt for dragging us into this, James. You asshole," Jessie whispered back to him, struggling to maintain her false smile.
The rest of the major canon fodder...ha, get it, it works two ways...characters reappeared now that the plot required them once again.
"Hi, we're relevant to the plot again for a few seconds," said Cassidy, waving as she strolled through the doorway with Butch.
"We're the only ones left now," said Butch, growing more and more nervous. "I'm close to having an existential crisis!"
"How come they got to leave the plot and we were dragged off into karaoke ear torture land for no reason other than Suethor appeal," said Jessie, twisting her finger inside her numb ear. She stood up and brushed off her skirt. "I suppose it's better than the torture-rape dungeons."
"Much better," James agreed.
"God, what was that awful noise? Was somebody strangling a Persian to death in here?" Butch read his line in the script. He squinted at it, confused. "Who's Craig Dragotti?"
Jessie went over, took the script from Butch's hands, pulled out a pen and scratched a line through the name Craig Dragotti and wrote Giovanni above it. Then handed it back to Butch.
"OOOooh, now I get it," said Butch. "So that's why it says Interchangeable Background Character where all my lines are. Hey...wait!"
"HMPH!" Giovanni grunted, taken directly from his brief line in BoM. "Being spoken in a different context makes it original now. Every other line of the original fic, imitated right down to the original script format, wasn't stolen off an old transcript of Birth of Mewtwo. The Suethor didn't copy it line for line, with all the accompanying spelling errors and lack of capitalization, switching a handful of things around and replacing the names of the characters involved with their main OTP three or foursome to then claim as original content. Nope. Completely original." He turned toward the confused fourth wall, whispering: "Ha, that's a lie! They totally did! What a hypocrite and plagiarist since the dawn of time! Original content, my lily white twinkish shaven bubble butt."
"Did somebody say twinkish shaven bubble butt?" Madame Boss questioned aggressively, bursting into the scene. She glared at her son. "Don't you love me anymore, Brat Boy?"
Giovanni gasped and fell to his knees.
"Of course I do, mother! I mean, Mommy, I mean SIR! You're the light of my life. But the more I think about it, being forced wildly OOC, stripped of everything that made me enjoyable in the canon, turned into a walking homophobic joke, then repeatedly tortured and humiliated kind of makes me feel like I'm not appreciated as anything more than a piece of interchangeable meat who will be dumped when the Suethor masturbating to my suffering while claiming to be my biggest fan in the world so they can attack other fans and get away with it finally tires of me and moves on to the next interchangeable character, forgetting my existence entirely from then on. You know? Just like every other character they've ever pretended to stan for just so they could yell at their real fans and call them insulting names because their fanfic was more popular than the Suethor's due to being made with love, not hate!" A tear welled in the corner of his eye. His bottom lip trembled.
"Too bad. Blackmailing, torturing, and humiliating children for your own twisted sexual gratification is part of what being a fanfic writer, I mean, a parent is all about," said Madame Boss. She shook her head, chuckling to herself. "Boy, I've got more issues than Golgo 13!"
"I'll remember that advice if I somehow have children myself. But probably won't. I've been turned into a whiny adult-baby virgin with rage and mommy issues thanks to horrific mischaracterization," said Giovanni, expressing a clear amount of growing depression. He hung his head in disgust. "Fanfiction makes me hate myself."
"You and every other character that falls victim to a pompous clownboat Suethor sadist shipper who can't stand canon because it ruins all their wild deluded fantasies," said Madame Boss. "But them's the breaks."
"These bold but presumably accidental implications in the original narration due to lack of author self-awareness are disturbing," said Giovanni.
"I'll say," said Madame Boss. She pulled a flask from the inside breast pocket of her blazer and chugged the contents. "But they're also pretty damn funny."
"You know what? We should focus more on the karaoke," said James. "I like karaoke."
"Karaoke?" Jessie questioned, snorting with derision. "That's level 9999 weeb trash if I've ever seen it. Vocaloids, desu. Atsushi Sakurai is my astral plane soulbonding spirit boyfriendo!" She snorted louder, laughing hysterically before wiping away a tear. "Hard to believe this person is a real live walking stereotype of weeaboos circa the early 2000s, but it's true. Someone call Weeaboo Stories. We got a real winner here."
"Excuse you, bitchface! I fucking love karaoke," Giovanni said, shooting Jessie an icy death glare.
"Huh, weird. I have the overwhelming urge to agree with the boss that karaoke is awesome," said Butch. He turned and glared at Jessie. "And that Jessie is a dumb bimbo slutfart who's annoying and isn't deserving of all the popularity she gets in the fandom, unlike Madame Boss and Miyamoto, my preferred canon Sues! I mean favorite characters!" He stared blankly for a second. "Wait, what am I saying? Why do I feel like somebody else's words are forcefully coming out of my mouth against my will?" He made a disgusted face, smacking his lips. "It even tastes bad!"
"I have the inexplicable urge to hate Jessie and her fans too," said Cassidy, dismayed. "I also can't form my own opinions any longer for some reason. I can only parrot back what the Suethor's obvious love interest canon character wants me to agree with them on!"
"Welcome to the club," said James.
"Hey!" Jessie snapped at them.
"Huh. Interesting. I was thinking all that in my head," said Giovanni. "Guess those thoughts transferred to everyone else in the vicinity. We must be psychically linked to the Suethor."
"Wait. Does that mean," James asked nervously, "we're a HIVE MIND?"
Everyone exchanged glances of varying horror.
The cast soon realized they had no control of themselves outside the Suethor's dictated personal references and could do nothing but submit or die to their whims. Sucks to be them.
"Oh well," Giovanni said, shrugging.
He broke into an impromptu version of It Will All Be Mine for four minutes and some odd seconds.
"More karaoke," everyone shouted against their wills, clapping excitedly.
"Sure. Why not? It's not like there's much of a story going on outside of reposted Japanese song lyrics," said Giovanni, picking up the microphone again. He sighed. "Just a socially maladjusted weeeaboo's anime fanaticism and revenge-lust obsession for their yaoi uke ex-boyfriendo crammed together. With some copyrighted names from random media franchises thrown in. That franchise just so happened to be Pokémon because of its mainstream popularity at the time. Same as every story to date. No pattern."
"There's a huge pattern," Butch said, bringing out a comprehensive chart before he was slapped in the face by Cassidy's open palm.
"Don't point that out. There will be severe repercussions," she said, looking panicked.
"Quick, click away from this hell before it's too late," James whispered to the fourth wall. "Go do something constructive. Read a book, go for a walk, listen to some real music. Anything!"
"I always enjoyed the Lavender Town theme," said Butch. "Am I weird?"
"Not as weird as this story will get in about two minutes," said Cassidy.
"There's a good remix of that theme by Solkrieg," said Butch. "Sounds a lot better than the dying cat karaoke tone deaf vocals we've got going on here."
"Anything sounds better than that," said Jessie. "My poor ears!" Blood trickled from them. "Please, make it stop!"
"You shut your impudent whore mouths before I slap them closed," Giovanni yelled. "How dare you discuss real music in my presence! You know I hate that shit!" He slapped the both of them across their faces. "Never mind, I enjoy slapping you losers." He slapped them again.
"Boss!" sobbed the remnants of Team Rocket.
Everyone started a slapstick slap fight because they had nothing else to do at the moment besides sing terrible karaoke and we can't repost song lyrics on this website, unlike the shitty ex-Transformers forum in which this story was first posted.
Madame Boss shoved everyone out of her path, throwing her hands high into the air.
"Everyone shut the fuck up! I'm the most aggressively used main canon character here. The villain Sue. Also I am the not so subtle Suethor's secret author avatar. I control the plot now. You obey my whims. We're doing what I want to do, and I want to steal some rare Pokémon with my dearest little Brat Boy." She turned to the fourth wall and whispered, "Ha ha! That only means I'm going to engage in the submissive male sissy humiliation fetish Suethor appeal pedotrollolol shit again with Giovanni. And there's nothing you can do to stop me. You know. Aside from closing out of this tab."
"Do it while you still can," James encouraged.
"YOU DO AND I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP," said Madame Boss, in a frighteningly dead serious tone.
"I'm concerned that I have the overwhelming urge to stick around and see how bad this gets," said Jessie. "Or maybe that's because I have no control over my own actions and am at the mercy of the writing."
"As we all know, the writing has no mercy to be found," James said mournfully. "So we're all very screwed."
"Please don't show them my humiliating nude photos that you have for some reason that no one wants explained in full detail though we're all morbidly curious," groaned Giovanni.
"Oh, come on. Let's face it, there's no real plot here. We don't matter to the story. Only three characters ever matter: The Craig, the Isabella, and the Sasha. That's Giovanni, Miyamoto and Madame Boss. Sometimes Jessie but only because Miyamoto wasn't popular enough. So really, the rest of us can leave. Let's drop this while we have a bit of our former dignity. Strike, strike!" Butch cheered, pumping his fist into the air. "Who's with me? Strike! Strike! We REFUSE to participate in this bullshit!" Cassidy clasped her hand over his mouth and dragged him away. "MMMMPHFF!"
"Bye, Bob," said Madame Boss. "Now back to the ritual fetishistic cross-dressing that shows up in every other story like this. Where'd I put that Lolicon French maid outfit for my sissy bitch boy of a son? The one with the super short skirt that really shows off the slappable ass cheeks."
"Hey, you stole that cross-dressing thing from us for being more popular," James whined. His hand shot into the air. "I want to be the woman. With gigantic inflatable titties!"
"I'll be the man and put a giant inflatable gag dick in my pants to further offend everyone's delicate sensibilities," said Jessie. "Maybe they'll censor me out of this embarrassing shitshow."
"My son could be the hermaphrodite because he's a big gay loser," said Madame Boss. She pointed at her son and laughed. "Get it? Because you're an effeminate pathetic little sissified bitch with no eyebrows! Bitch boy, bitch boy! Bratty bratty brat brat! How hard did we have to reach to interpret this headcanon? Why does it always appear with every male character any yaoi fanatic Suethor ships, even when they're hetero ships? Having yaoi as a preface? Hating every aspect of established canon? There's got to be some direct link."
"Weeaboos," the other characters chorused.
"I think they stole it off of James and put it on the character they wanted to ship with their Sue instead of the one that was popular in the fandom," Jessie said and laughed, nudging him in the side.
"Hey! I resent that resemblance!" James whined harder than before. "It's not my fault the fandom exaggerates certain characteristics in order to justify their shipping headcanons. Why does shipping turn every canon character into a bunch of slack-jawed squealing morons? How is it so hard to keep a canon character's personality intact while adding in some romance?"
"That takes skill and effort. Who wants to devote themselves to that time consuming nonsense when you crave instant gratification," Jessie said.
"Oh! You're right," James said. "Well then, that makes more sense." He folded his arms and nodded.
"Mother, please!" Giovanni covered his face with his hand. "I'm not like this outside of horrible fanfictions and those creepy Meowth fantasies. None of us are."
Butch stuck his head through the doorway. His hand shot into the air. "I wholeheartedly agree!"
"Shut up, you buttface," Cassidy said, elbowing him in the gut and pulling him away again. "You're using up all our cameo appearance time trying to fight a losing battle!"
"I don't care! It's cold and dark in there and I need oxygen," Butch cried before he disappeared back into the swirling void.
"You know you want to be a helpless and weak slutty little Catholic high school French maid stripper nympho bimbo who sucks dicks all day long like in the fake Giovanni stan's darkest bedroom fantasies," Madame Boss whispered at him, biting the tip of her finger. "Little gay bitch." After putting on her sunglasses, she tilted her head back and laughed. "That's your characterization now and there's nothing you can do about it!"
Giovanni hung his head in shame. A sexy shame. "No, it's pornographic weeaboo projection. Why can't anyone see this?" He turned around and heaved a sigh. He pondered for a long moment. "There's several ways I could end it if I tried hard enough. Anyone got some rope and a chair I could borrow?"
"Shut up, bitch boy. I've got something you can borrow," Madame Boss said, throwing a shoe at Giovanni's head.
The shoe bounced off the side of Giovanni's head. He teared up a little in the corner of one eye. Hot. "Mother!"
"Now give it back to me before I start charging for rental," she said.
Butch and Cassidy fell from a worm hole that opened up in the ceiling.
"Oh, hey! We're back again," said Cassidy. "Did you miss us?"
"Who are you again?" asked Giovanni.
Butch and Cassidy did the anime face-plant.
"Haaaaaaaaaaaa," Jessie and James laughed.
"Stuff it, you goons. You're only here to fill a popularity quota," said Giovanni.
Jessie and James put on wounded expressions.
"But everyone loves us," Jessie said.
"Right?" said James.
"NO," Giovanni and Madame Boss said together. "You're only here because the Suethor had to shove you in for fandom bait. It shows."
Jessie and James' eyes welled up with huge sad animu tears as they clutched each other's hands.
And now for a random filler scene that can be removed with zero impact to the story. Oh, wait. No. It was cut out and thrown into the garbage where it belonged. Because it doesn't matter at all and contributes nothing to the plot. Whatever small amount of plot there is to be found.
"Whoa, did you feel time get sucked away all of a sudden?" Butch asked, rubbing his head.
"No, everyone else answered.
"Back to more karaoke," said Giovanni, shoving Jessie and James out of the way before doing a magical girl twirl sequence. He then appeared in a cross between Boy George and Gothic Lolita drag outfit. "Initiating cross-dressing fetish! I got it from my Visual Kei J-rock daisuki desu. Buck-Tick! Sexual Tacos! Crotch-grab!" He set the radio down and started singing again. "Copyrighted song lyrics." Giovanni waved his hands in the air, beckoning Jessie and James to come up with him. "Get up here, assholes. I'm not doing this embarrassing weeb futanari-fujoshi routine by myself. That's usually what YOU'RE forced to do in every fanfic. They stole your rotten fan characterization and slapped it onto me!"
"I know, right?" said James, looked mildly offended.
"Wow, it's almost like canon characterization doesn't matter and was replaced with something generic copied off from more frequently appearing characters who the fandom found to be more popular in order to steal it and bait an audience into reading this dreck with the preferred minor characters who are being used as empty OC fodder for an uncreative Mary Suethor," said Jessie before gasping for breath.
"Shallow attention baiting," the duo cried out.
"Shut up and karaoke before I erase you from the ongoing plot continuity altogether," Giovanni threatened.
"Sorry, Boss," they cried.
Jessie and James jumped onto the stage with him wearing similar costumes, becoming his backup dancers slash singers for Team Rocket Forever.
"This is a fun way to pass time when you've got nothing else to do," James sang. He did high kicks while arm locked with Jessie. "It's the best song in the franchise! Never forget Animutations! Never forget our original VAs! They were the best! Nostalgia!"
"By the way," said Jessie, "where's Meowth? It isn't like him to be missing during this song. Or anywhere up to this point. Notice how he's been completely absent from this fic. Weird."
"Huh, you're right," said James.
"Meowth?" they both cried. "Where are you?"
They looked around but didn't see any trace of him. Seems he too was irrelevant to the Suethor's appeal, meaning he would never show up unless someone pointed his absence from the beloved Team Rocket trio out for the purpose of ridicule and the Suethor had to cover it up real quick by pretending they cared about that character to begin with. And always badly at that, thereby proving they don't give a fuck about the character in question and that's why most if not all relevant main characters were always missing from the related fics. Looks like no one did. Kudos.
I'll spare Meowth the torture of appearing in this parody outside a brief cameo.
"Gee, t'anks! I was worried dere for a second I was gonna end up dead and skinned for a rug by some crazy old pedo broad," Meowth said in his brief cameo line of dialogue. And then he was gone. Run free, you poor soul.
"Take us with you!" Butch screamed.
Giovanni slide-kicked the radio away, cutting off the music. "Damn it, you inept fools ruined my plan to seduce a Pikachu through song! Wait. What?"
"That sounds like one of our ridiculous plans," Jessie said. "The Suethor really is forcing our characterization onto you, Boss!"
"It sure does seem that way," said Giovanni. "Can you tell me apart from my bumbling comedy henchmen in this story? No? Me either. We're all characterized as interchangeable childish maniacs obsessed with the same trite weeaboo nonsense the person who mangled us into this fanfic is. No correlation."
"It's canon now, remember," Jessie shouted. "Haters gonna hate!"
Everyone threw back their heads and barked out a round of maniacal laughter.
"Of course it's canon! Don't you know anything about Pokémon? Fucking posers," Giovanni shouted at the ceiling. "Canon is as nonexistent as my eyebrows in this series of fics."
"Kanpai, Kanpai," the Rocket group cheered, watching Madame Boss pound down more whiskey from her flask.
Giovanni continued to sing random karaoke anime songs until his mom yanked the radio's cord out of the wall socket, picked up the radio, and hurled it at the wall. It shattered into pieces, ending the terrible extended karaoke scenes.
"No more wire hangers! I mean karaoke," Madame Boss said. "Now that I'm good and drunk, we're going to catch a Pikachu ourselves rather than relying on these fan favorite simpletons to do it. Your dumb asses can go to the dumpster out back, where you belong. With all the other shitty garbage popular characters nobody should like because I, the Suethor's aggressive hate mouthpiece, don't like them. I only like minor characters like myself that are easier to turn into OCs because you don't have to follow a truck load of pre-established canon characterization. And don't even think about shipping yourselves together! That's my NOTP! Fucking Rocketshipping. It's sick!"
"Awwwwwww," Jessie and James whimpered.
"I HATE popular pairings! I HATE popular characters! HATE, HATE, HATE!" Madame Boss slammed her seven inch stiletto heel into the drywall, leaving a huge hole when she tore it back out. "Now get the fuck out of here, you stupid shitfuckers!" Madame Boss soccer kicked the comedy duo into the air.
"Okay, into the dumpster we go!" Jessie and James yelled while blasting off again toward the dumpster until they were needed by the plot.
Madame Boss whipped out her wallet and opened it. Out spilled the comically large fold of blackmail photos. "Pikachu would be interested in these, right? That's not an absurd thought forced in as unfunny humor."
Miyamoto raised her hand. "I'll capture the Mew, I mean the Pikamew, and make a huge profit," Miyamoto said. "At least I'll try. I might be declared dead in an avalanche after struggling to capture the creature on a precarious mountain range after I become separated from my search group. And then my poor dear beloved cute little girl will be an orphan! Sob! Hopefully no one will fetishize my dead mother status and turn me into their Mary Sue insert proxy and then briefly ship me with Giovanni, ignoring everything in the Birth of Mewtwo canon that made it interesting. Then write us dying over and over in similar stories featuring an avalanche without the Mew in sight or any of my accompanying Rocket members, over and over and over, until we all go insane. I'll tragically end up little more than an empty plot device to make somebody sob hysterically. Forever. Oh well." He tilted her head to one side and smiled. "I can't be upset about it. I lack the ability to do so."
"Shut up, Miyamoto," said Madame Boss, ending Miyamoto's extensive line of dialogue.
"Sorry, Ma'am," said Miyamoto meekly.
And, uh. There's just more stolen scenes from the original anime but without the actual characters featured in those scenes. They're swapped out for these ones here. Wow, so creative. Skipping through all those.
"Ash? Ash who?" Madame Boss yelled. "LOOK, MIYA-CHAN, THERE'S A PIKACHU! CATCH IT FOR ME!" She pointed at Giovanni. "IT'S RIGHT THERE, RESTING ON MY IDIOT SISSY BITCH SON'S HEAD!"
Miyamoto threw a Poké Ball, hitting Giovanni in the face. "Oops! I'm soooo sorry!"
Giovanni clutched his injured handsome face. "I suppose somehow, cosmically, I deserved that."
"You liked it," Madame Boss asserted. "Little biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!" She burst into childish giggles. "I hate shipping characters the way they are in canon. Total turn off. I'm in love with a narcissistic fantasy."
Jessie pulled out a large paper fan and began smashing people over the head. "Comedy, comedy! Random access humor! Nihongo desu yo! It's funny, right? Please laugh! Give us reviews! Only positive ones, or you're trolls and will be blocked and reported!"
"I'm only laughing because if I don't, I'll start crying," said Giovanni.
"Enjoy it while you can. This story takes a sudden inexplicable dark turn in the next few seconds," said James, spoiling the twist for everyone.
A wild Mary Sue Pokémon appeared!
It's name was FUCK THE WORLD, I'M THE BEST. It ignored the original character limit because FUCK THE WORLD, IT WAS THE BEST!
It looked exactly like a wolf pup with giant kawaii anime eyes. Wolfaboos and weeaboos combined makes everything far more terrifying. It had a blue and black color scheme, reminiscent of the bruising everyone's got from banging their heads against the desk after trying to read this nonsensical pile. Have fun trying to parse whatever the fuck is going on in any one of these stories or the parodies that tried and failed to make some sense out of them.
"Oh my God, that thing's got to be one of the rarest Digimon's ever! Someone catch it!" Madame Boss ordered.
Everyone face-planted.
The God Sue Pokémon cute sneezed, causing the world to explode in a rainbow colored mushroom cloud.
Everyone died.