"…we haven't talked in almost three months. I mean, not really. Is that weird?"

"What does that mean? Like, not a word?" Laryn asked. I wished she had been there with me, but a phone call was the best she could manage at that moment.

"Like we've had nothing to talk about. Like there's no energy to try and have a conversation. We'll check in about each other's days, decide on what to eat, and then go off and do our own thing before it's time for bed. At this point, I can't even remember what it used to be like. This is our new normal." I was trying to pinpoint the exact moment in the recent past when it felt like things had become off, but I couldn't think of anything. I was afraid maybe that moment was much farther in the past than I wanted to believe.

"I take it you're also not having sex then?" she asked, sounding afraid of what I might say. Or maybe I imagined that.

"…Do you even have to ask?"

"Okay. Is there…someone else?"

"Someone el—I'm not cheating on him! Fucking hell."

"I didn't say that! I'm just wondering if there might be someone else you're interested in or something." I quietly mashed my palm to my forehead.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have jumped down your throat like that. But, no, there hasn't been anyone else involved. Which is why I'm worried it's a 'me' thing or a 'him' thing I don't want to admit." About 30 seconds passed with no response from Laryn. "Are you still there?"

"Yeah, sorry," Laryn murmured. "I was just thinking to the last couple times I hung out with you both, and nothing seemed off. Although, I guess you don't go hang out with your friends just so you can only talk to each other."

"Right. Now that you mention it, I think the last real exchange I had with him was when Momes was going on a drunken tirade about some guy before turning and barfing on Jessique, I think? Then we kind of laughed about it together before…" My memory of the incident ended there. "Well, I guess that was it, and that was at…"

"It was Jessique's wrap party, but I was the one who got barfed on. God, she fucking ruined my favorite shirt…" We both laughed a little. "But yeah, that was pretty long ago. Hmmm… Well, sometimes couples just need a break from each other. Maybe you should take a trip somewhere—leave town for a weekend or something. I don't think it's uncommon for couples who've been together for a long time to come up against some rough patches in communication every now and then." I pondered her suggestion for a moment.

"I don't think it's just a communication thing, though. And I guess a trip might help for a little bit, but then I'd feel like I'm running from the problem."

"And what is the problem?"

"…I have no idea."

"There's one right there," Laryn said and laughed. She had a contagious flute-like laughter that made it hard not to smile.

"Hey, this is serious!" I retorted, half-laughing myself.

"Sorry, Rawr, you know I'm here for you. Sounds like you need to do some reflecting. Maybe-e-e a lot of it."

"But I don't even know where to start."

"Just think about what's bothering you most. Better yet, you should write it down, and start with literally anything you can think of. How you feel when you see him, how you feel when he's not around… Stuff like that." I thought about it and mumbled that I'd give it a try, but I already knew that wouldn't work. "Or…you could try talking to him." I was afraid she would say that.

"Again, wouldn't know where to start."

"Do you think he's noticed something change, too? I mean, he has to have noticed, right? You could lead with that." I sighed quietly, but Laryn heard me. "See? You're sighing because you know I'm right!"

"Okay, maybe, but the other thing I'm not sure of is where the conversation would lead."

"I'm sure he'd listen to you. He definitely cares about you."

"And it's not like I don't care about him, too…," I said, surprised by the defensiveness of my voice.

"…But?" I was trying to resist saying what I was thinking because I didn't necessarily think it was true.

"But I maybe I…don't want to be with him anymore." It was Laryn's turn to sigh, and she let out a deep one. A partial weight felt like it melted off my body. I'd spoken it out of my mind and into existence, but a sense of dread crept in to replace the temporary relief. What if we did break up? Where would I live? How would I move all my stuff? When would we talk about it with our friends?

"That's a big thing to admit. How does it feel to say it out loud?" I curled up into an even tighter ball on the couch and closed my eyes.

"Worse than I thought it would. After four years together, is this what we were building up to?"

"Awww, no, try not to think about it like that. Think about the fact that you're both probably pretty different people than when you first started dating. People change, and that's okay. You're allowed to want different things than you thought you would." I knew Laryn was just trying to comfort me, but it was hard to feel bad for myself when she kept saying things like that. All I really wanted was to marinade in pity. Just for a little bit.

"God dammit, Laryn—can I just feel lost for a little bit longer?" I said and laughed suddenly. "I feel like what you're saying is true but also scary."

"What?" she said, also laughing and sounding confused.

"I feel like…I have to break up with him, and I…just don't want to deal with the consequences. Like, I'm trying to decide if it's okay to stay like this and see if something will eventually change or…"

"Or continue to lead both of you on when you already know it's not what you want? That doesn't seem fair to either of you." I knew Laryn wasn't judging me, but that was the only way I could interpret her words.

"Okay, but I'm afraid it'll…" I tried to think of other reasons not to break up with him that didn't have to do with practicality. Laryn started to say something before I blurted out, "It'd hurt him..., hurt us both. A lot." But was that true? Was I concerned with his feelings?

I thought to myself as we both sat with the silence that squeezed its way into the conversation. I could imagine Laryn nodding her head, even though I wasn't saying anything. It was usually how she reacted to things she needed to think about deeply. The pause to keep processing my thoughts revealed I had more to think about than I had time for. She took a breath like she was about to say something, but then I heard the lock to the front door rattle. Hector was home early.

"Oh, shit! He's home—I'll call you back later!" I whispered hurriedly and ended the call. I pretended to scroll through my phone and tried to look natural when Hector stepped in from the hallway. I looked up to say hello. He smiled sadly and looked away quickly as he shut the door. My heart started pounding, and a part of me what to scream out everything I had just been talking about to Laryn. But I sat there and continued pretending to check my social media feeds.

"Hey…," he said quietly after he kicked off his shoes and came to sit next to me on the couch. I looked at him and expected he would ask if I'd eaten dinner or something. He was quiet for a moment, looking down in his lap, and his breath caught once before speaking again. I knew what he was about to say had been rehearsed, and I thought my heart stopped. "Can we talk about something?" He put his hand on my knee. I put my hand on his. We were both shaking.