Chapter 10

Christian

Today is the day.

The day that I started out counting the days for, and I've now come to dread.

Today is the day I go home.

I'm not going miss this bed, or this building, or fucking group therapy, or not being allowed to eat in my room, or anything else except her. But I'm really going to miss her.

I reluctantly blink my eyes open and glance over at the clock on my nightstand. Just under an hour until my parents arrive. Fuck, I slept later than I thought I would. The one fucking time I can sleep? She's already waiting. I throw some clothes on and practically sprint to the kitchen, grabbing a granola bar, and I eat it on the way as my feet pound through the woods.

I see that she's pacing under the tree once she's in my line of sight, and I hustle a little faster across the meadow. When she looks up, I can tell that her eyes are red. "Oh, fuck, Anna, please don't cry. I already don't want to leave."

She wipes her cheeks. "No, I want you to go. You'll be so much happier at home than being stuck here. I'm just really going to miss seeing you every day."

I take both her hands. "I'll call you here as soon as I get back home, okay?"

She shakes her head. "No, don't think like that. Don't worry about me. You have to focus on you."

"I can focus on me and miss you, Anna. Don't do that. Don't downplay your place in my life. I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't met you."

Another tear escapes, rolling down her cheek. "You have to get going."

"I know." Fuck. Time got away from us so quickly. "Wait. Before I go… there's just something I want to try. Can you hold still?"

She nods. I've thought about this for days, gauging my desire for it, how to execute it, if it's even possible. I hold her gaze as I lift her arms up and place her hands behind my neck, then I wrap my arms around her waist. Whoa. She feels even tinier than I expected. I raise one hand and position her head against my shoulder, and then I just… relax.

So, this is hugging.

There's no fear, no darkness creeping in, not even when she relaxes and nudges herself just slightly closer to me. We're not in any of the danger zones, but part of me wonders if it would even matter. With her, I know I'm safe. But… best not to take that chance yet. I still can't quite believe that I'm actually hugging someone. And… I like it.

After several moments, I pull away and she smiles up at me. "Was that okay?"

"More than okay," I say, disbelief seeping into my voice.

"Thank you for that. I'll never, ever forget it."

"Me neither." Hopefully we'll do it again. I hold out my hand. "Come back with me?" I don't want to waste a second until I'm actively leaving the premises.

We slowly walk back, just talking, but not about what's about to happen. I think we'd both like to pretend that's not what's happening right now. But the mood between us noticeably shifts once the building is in sight again, and it shifts even more within me when I recognize my parents' car.

"Christian?" she says quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I just… I hope you'll always be happy."

"Don't say things like it's goodbye, Anna. It's not. It's see ya later. You got me?"

She smiles halfheartedly. "I know. I just… wanted to tell you. Someone should."

We round the corner of the building just as Grace exits, spotting us. "Oh, darling, there you are! Oh, hi, Anna!" She walks over and kisses the top of my head. "We've got you all checked out. Your father is just grabbing your bags. Are you ready?"

I give Anna's hand a squeeze. "I guess."

"Anna, sweetheart, we'll be sure to be up for a visit if we can before you leave," she says warmly. "Please keep us all posted on how you're doing. Good luck with everything here. I'll just… give you two a moment. I'll be in the car."

When I look back down at her, she gives me a small smile. "See ya later?"

I chuckle. "Hopefully sooner rather than later… but yes. I'll visit. And keep in touch. You'll hear from me soon, I promise."

"I know." She smiles, then nods her head in the direction my mom just went. My dad is packing up the car and gives me a little wave. "Go. It's time." She lets go of my hand. "You're going to do great things, Christian. This is just the start of it all. I'll be with you when I can."

Gloom fills me as I realize that we're completely out of excuses. Completely out of time. "Thank you," I choke out. For everything.

"Anytime." She takes my arm and gives me a gentle push towards the car.

I laugh and shake my head, finally walking forward to the already running vehicle. I get in and search back out the window for her. She's sitting on the steps.

"Ready, sweetie?"

"Yeah." As I'll ever be.

The car pulls away. She gives me one last smile and wave. And then we're gone.

I close my bedroom door and flop down onto my bed. It's been a whirlwind few days.

As soon as we made it home, my parents informed me of the name of my new therapist that Cascade recommended and the kickboxing instructor that my parents decided to sign me up for lessons with so I could have an "outlet." Then almost immediately after, they announced that we'd be taking a long weekend family trip to our house in Montana.

I admit that it was nice in some ways. Elliot and Mia practically tackled me as soon as I walked in the door, and we spent a lot more quality time together on this trip than we have since I can remember. We went horseback riding, swimming, hiking, Elliot kicked my ass at video games, Mia gave me a run for my money in several games of chess. It has to have been years since we hung out like that. I think my therapist was actually right. I have siblings, and I could definitely do more for my relationship with them. So, I'm cautiously hopeful that this was a step in the right direction for that.

But the first night we were there, there was a massive thunderstorm, and a convenient lightning strike ended up frying our phone lines. Since we were in the middle of nowhere, our cell phones had no reception, and no one could come out to repair the landlines until we were about to leave. So, I never got to call Anna. Until now.

I hold up the paper that my mom wrote the number on and punch it into my phone. A bland voice answers on the third ring. "Cascade Teen Treatment Center, how may I help you?"

"Uh… hi. I'd like to speak to Anna."

There's a long pause. "Are you a family member of a patient?"

"No. A friend."

"What's your friend's last name?"

And it's then that I realize in all the time we spent together, all the hours of conversation, I never asked her last name. Come to think of it, I don't think she knows mine either. "Um… I don't know. I was recently a patient there. Her name is Anna. She's thirteen. She's being treated there. I'd really like to speak to her, I promised I would call her when I left."

The voice on the other end sighs. "Look, kid, there's not a lot I can do for you if you can't give me a full name and you aren't family. We have to protect our patients' privacy. Maybe she'll call you?"

Anxiety blooms in my chest. I didn't give her a number to reach me. I told her I'd call her. I expected we'd work out our individual contact details once she got out, and I didn't want to stress her out with it before it was necessary. It felt too much like goodbye. I didn't think getting through would be this fucking difficult.

I hang up on them and immediately call my mother. She's on a shift at the hospital, so I can only hope she has a free moment. "Hi, Christian. What's up, dear?"

"Hi, Mom. I just called Cascade to talk to Anna, and…" I sigh and roughly run a hand through my hair. "They wouldn't let me talk to her. I know it sounds crazy, but I actually don't know her last name. We talked about a lot of things, but we just never talked about that. And she doesn't have my number. So, I don't know how I'm supposed to get through to her."

"Okay. Why don't we go pay Cascade a visit this weekend and explain at the front desk? You might even see her there. I'm sure we can get this whole thing straightened out."

Her voice is calm and logical, and it eases my frenzy. I take in a consciously deep breath, like Dr. Webster showed me. Look at me. Fucking model patient. "Okay. I don't want to leave her hanging, Mom."

"I know, sweetheart. We'll figure this out. I have a patient waiting, can we talk this evening?"

"Yeah, of course. Bye, Mom."

"Bye, love you."

I lean back against my covers and face the calendar on the opposite wall. Time to start a new countdown.

When we finally emerge from the trees and the middle-of-fucking-nowhere glorified asylum that I called home for two months comes into view, my stomach ripples with nerves. It's been a little over a week since I left, but it's felt like an eternity. I can't stop thinking about Anna. She must be wondering what happened to me. I know I'm wondering what's happening to her. It's fucking torture going from being together most of the day to complete no contact.

I get out of the car and head straight for the entrance, hearing Grace hot on my heels as we crunch through the gravel of the driveway. She seems to understand my haste and I appreciate that.

The woman at reception looks up at us and smiles when we enter. "Good morning. Can I help you?"

"Hello. I'm Grace, and this is my son, Christian. He just left here about a week ago and he's been having trouble reaching one of his friends who still hasn't completed her stay here. Do you think you can help us get an update?"

"I can certainly try. What's your friend's name?"

"Anna."

"Last name?"

"I don't know her last name," I mumble.

She looks at me for a beat too long to not frustrate me, then turns back to the screen. "Okay, well, I'll look up her first name and maybe we can talk to her and ask her if she knows you." Thank fucking God. She types something into her computer and squints her eyes as they flit around the screen. "I'm sorry… we don't have any patients by that name currently staying here."

"Is Anna a nickname, perhaps? Could it be Annabeth, Annabelle, something like that?" Grace asks.

"We actually don't have any girls whose names ring that kind of bell at the moment. None that even begin with A. It's possible that your friend was moved to another facility or something. We have had some patient turnover within the last week." She frowns. "I'm sorry I can't be of more help."

"Could you at least tell me when the A names left? Where they went? I was just here. I know she was here recently. Please. I promised her I'd talk to her. I need to find her." My voice gets faster and more frantic with each word.

"I'm so sorry, but it's against the law for us to give out patient information except to an authorized parent or guardian, so my hands are tied. I really wish I could help you."

"Thank you, we understand." The word are barely out of Grace's mouth before I turn and stomp off towards the car again, slamming the door behind me. She gets in after a few moments and starts the ignition. "Christian, it's HIPAA. There's nothing they can tell us if she isn't there to approve it. What town is she from? Do you have a parent's name?"

"She, uh… she lives in Montesano with her dad, Ray," I mutter.

"Okay, so we'll look in the phonebooks for Ray. There must be something out there, darling. This can't be the end of a friendship like yours, it simply can't."

I barely hear her words of reassurance. My gut is telling me that this is a lost cause. I can almost feel the clouds gather around my heart again. I have to find her. I have to.

But I don't know if I can. And that fear is suffocating.

June 2021

I take a sip of Armagnac and gaze down at all the folders sprawled across my desk. All leading nowhere.

What a way to spend a birthday. A party that I had to grit my teeth and smile through, only to come home to an empty penthouse to lock myself in my office and look at all of the false starts.

Why can't I get her out of my head? I haven't thought of her this consistently for the entire decade, though she's always crossed my mind at least once a day. I mean, how could she not? For all I have to show for it, she could have been a vivid hallucination. The only concrete proof I have that she wasn't is the fact that my parents also met her.

I think back to the early days of the search, after we came home from that gut-wrenchingly disappointing visit to Cascade. We called every Ray, Raymond, even a few Raes who didn't sound like they were anyone's father, if I had to guess, in the greater Montesano area. All of them had no idea what we were talking about, didn't even know an Anna. We had no idea what to do at that point. It seemed like she was lost to me.

When school started, I even went to a few sporting events in that area. We never talked about sports, and she didn't seem like the type, but I would have tried anything just to catch a glimpse of her. But I never did. She just disappeared. I perused local newspapers, looking for one of their names. I never found them. I must have Googled "Ray and Anna Montesano" a thousand times. I almost want to laugh thinking about my poor kickboxing instructor from back then. It was the only outlet I had for all that fresh pain.

We'd exhausted every avenue, and it all sat on the shelf until I started GEH. Welch gave me another few leads, but every time, it led nowhere. He's never had a problem finding anyone for me, but with so little information, he was grasping at straws. Each folder, a new disappointment. I've finally had to come to terms with the fact that I may never know what happened to her. And not knowing is the worst part.

I don't even know if she's alive. But even now, she's alive in my head.

I drain the glass and put the folders back in the drawer. Enough ghosts for tonight. I have to find some way to move on.

A/N: Answers finally received. All will be explained in full in good time. Next chapter, back to present day.